Dating interrupted: Why women need male friends
I have a small group of male friends that I consider like brothers. I’ve known them long enough to trust their judgment and definitely listen to their advice on dating! I don’t always like what they say, and I definitely don’t always love the way they say it. These guys mean well but they aren’t real big on tact. It’s pretty straight, no chaser kind of feedback I get from them.
When I asked one of them to go to the Nightline Face-Off debate earlier this month, I somehow got a dating lecture. Vince didn’t understand why I needed to go to any debate/forum about relationships. He seemed to think that a lot of women (read: me) sabotage our own chances with potential matches because we don’t like being happy.
I, of course don’t agree and prepared an impressive rebuttal with evidence of my concerted efforts to get coupled up. He counter argues (he’s finishing law school, a clear advantage over me) with my line up past of seedy characters and bad selections.
In my defense, I truly believe that I haven’t had major dating misadventures in the last three years. At the same time, Vince made me wonder about the little things I subconsciously do that probably are counterproductive. Such as having a crazy busy schedule and not making time for the time-worthy men I meet.
This is why it is good to have boy “space” friends. Ladies, they call you on your stuff when you need it. They do not sugarcoat no matter how much you threaten them using blackmail. Do you have people in your life who you trust to give you sage advice? I don’t just mean dating advice, but self-improvement in general? How did you come to trust this person so much?
Who do you seek out when you aren’t able to recognize the bad dating habits that are interrupting your dating life? I recall dating a man that literally had no close friends. At the time, I found it really odd but I think men are totally different in that they don’t require the same friendship connections that women do. What do you think?
Guys, do you have little to no male friends you consider your to be in your “inner circle”? Is it pretty common for a man to have no close friends? How healthy can that be emotionally? Or do you guys even think of that kind of thing?
One disclaimer about having boy “space” friends: Do not. I repeat. Do NOT ask them about sex. Men bring a totally new meaning to the phrase TMI (too much information) on that topic.
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467 comments Add your comment
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
9:25 am
lol kb!!!!!! that is nothing new lol even on my worse day I find some store energy and still be poppin’!!!! LOL I must say though I am rested…this past weekend was the best restful weekend and I need it…..my child was the best nap date ever! LOL Professor that was to you! LMAO!
It's me....lurker
April 28th, 2010
9:26 am
my typing reads backwards this morning…
PrincessNik
April 28th, 2010
9:26 am
@It’s me….lurker
i don’t do fb either, even though my brother is forever saying please set up a profile so folks will stop asking me about you.
Good Guy Getting Greater (4G) - betta den ur 3G
April 28th, 2010
9:27 am
Guys just don’t read as much into things. We actually let things go
@swiss – hit the nail on the head with that one
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
9:27 am
Lucinda I support your assessment that gut feeling doesn’t lie for the most part but you do need a male perspective…..ok guys what is your take….
It's me....lurker
April 28th, 2010
9:27 am
What a coinkidink sort of kinda….I just sent an “I forgive you” message to this dude that my best best best friend yesterday. I feel relieved and like a ton of bricks have been lifted. I didn’t do it to rekindle or even step back into the friendship, I did it to free myself…lol But as it relates to the topic, yeah men are good to have as friends because who can tell you better about a man than a man himself? Women can only speculate to some degree but a man can hit it dead on.
It's me....lurker
April 28th, 2010
9:28 am
PrincessNik – too much exposure for you? FB?
PrincessNik
April 28th, 2010
9:29 am
@Mo I’m feeling ya, we are on the same page. There was only one girlfriend my brother had that i just did not like as a person but we didn’t mesh before they started dating so…I mean my brother and i lived like 3 minutes apart and they lived together and if i said i’m coming over she was ghost when i got there, then she started trippin i wanted to get at her so bad but out of respect for my brother i didn’t. The rest of them have been cool peeps but just not what my brother has expressed to me he is looking for and/or what he needs in his life. you know “in the meantime” type chicks.
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
9:29 am
lurker lol fb isn’t a monster….it is what you make it…..you can be out there and negative and in the mix the wrong way or you can stand for something and have character…the delete button is powerful and your page is your virtual playgorund you control it……it works fine for me……lol
Good Guy Getting Greater (4G) - betta den ur 3G
April 28th, 2010
9:30 am
@lurker – i feel you, but you can adjust your privacy settings to your liking therefore no one will see ur bday or any other information that you wouldn’t like out there. but yea it is sort of a hassel. fb ain’t for everybody. actually the phone is quite as useful to me, but people are so busy nowaday. gotta find someway to keep up.
PrincessNik
April 28th, 2010
9:30 am
It’s me….lurker
yep, too much exposure. I keep in touch with the people i want to already, and if my brother mentions someone that i would like to re-connect with then i do
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
9:32 am
lol @ pk and lurker!!!!! LOL!!!!! Glad I have yall on this forum!!!!
Mo (aka Moeisha )
April 28th, 2010
9:35 am
I have no problem with FB, it has allowed me to get in touch with folk that I havent seen in forever and really had no way to get in touch with. I dont live and die by it but it has been useful
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
9:37 am
positivity is the theme! Lean with it, Rock with it!!!!!! LOL
Professor (sort of sleepy)
April 28th, 2010
9:43 am
Hey Kinderbabe…time is going by fast…only 19 days. Do you want to trade jobs?
@Mo-Awwww Lil’ Mo is graduating I bet he is too cute.
@4G I love me some Teddy Grahams I found a good deal on a variety pack and now I am stuck with these chocolate things. The funny thing is I hate throwing food away because people always get on me for doing that saying folks are starving. At the same, time I hate given folks stuff that I don’t want or like, so I guess I will use them to feed the birds or something.
Trevor0529
April 28th, 2010
9:45 am
Good Morning all,
This is my first post to the blog. I have been reading it on a daily basis because I am getting ready to jump into the dating scene very soon.
@Lucinda, you could be the fall back chick. He needs to be upfront with you about what his intentions are.
It's me....lurker
April 28th, 2010
9:45 am
Lady J & GGGG(4G) – I hear you guys but I dunno, I can google someone and bam right there..what’s the first thing to pop up? FB…not a resume or something of the sort…FB Not knocking those that dig it, just too much exposure for me.
Melo
April 28th, 2010
9:47 am
I truly believe that I haven’t had major dating misadventures in the last three years
WD??
SO why only last 3 years?? Is that the only time u have been a grown UP woman??
@Lucinda??
ur gut feeling is absoultely on the money!
He is busy with some other cootie and sending u email everyday takes what? 5 seconds! Thats all the time u will get!
@LuvBug??
I have always been iron clad in my convos about my relationships when I’m in one.
I know! I sensed that?? why?
@Swiss!
yeah, u right.When we are cppled up especially,that becomes our universe.I have friends but their uselfulnesss really is now a lil different than when i was a bach.And i dont drink beer like that so hanging out?? NO! Not that much unless im having issues at home that i want to confide in with a friend.
SINGLES!
If u are too busy To date anybody due to ur job schedule,ur job is ur priority,nothing wrong with that but dont expect a different result on the men side.
Its absoutely imperative to have somebody to defer to when it comes to relationships and i dont count single friends as such on that level. I wld rather u have an uncle or big brother or auntie or big married sister.Somebody u respect ofcourse and who has seen it and done that.
Not any other beyaaoth thats getting it and thinks they know..hell NAW!
Good morning!
kinderbabe--19 days and counting! woohoo!
April 28th, 2010
9:49 am
@professor…it sure is going by fast. i am very grateful.:) i’m not sure if i wanna trade jobs though…lol. you work at a university, right?
as far as FB goes, like LadyJ and others said, it’s what you make it. if you have a messy drama filled life, it will follow you EVERYwhere including FB. if you have a peaceful life…well, you get the point.:)
abc
April 28th, 2010
9:49 am
If you think that men don’t form very strong bonds with each other, and if you don’t have much of a clue about men that you have romantic interest in, what makes you think you have a good idea of where your so-called male friends’ heads are at? Why would they be such good friends with you, if they’re not inclined to make good friends with anyone?
I’d say you make more of it that it warrants. I don’t mind telling female friends the truth about whatever BS they’re into, but it isn’t out of some kind of ultra-sincere friendship or bonding with them. I just shake my head and tell them how stupid they’re being. I’d be the same with pretty much anyone.
Kym--waiting on spring.
April 28th, 2010
9:50 am
Good Morning All,
I have had quite a few male friends like this. They all knew how to reign me in..when I was going overboard(Not for the faint of heart) And I have a few friends now I trust with my life and to give me the 411 when I am way out there. I have a few good male friends who if I want to know what bs is being thrown at me they can give it to me straight–no chaser– and all in the sprirt of love. For this I am truly grateful. As for FB..I enjoy checking it..I reconnected with some high school classmates..find old friends..and made some great new ones. Now if I can just get them to stop copying me on farmville and sorority life..and I had to give up mafia wars..seriously I was not doing enough jobs to make any real cash…LMAO!!
Professor (sort of sleepy)
April 28th, 2010
9:52 am
@Lucinda, I am female, but I will say this I think your assessment is correct. Don’t get me wrong I love words and beautiful emails and naughty text messages by the right person. However I want to see some action. Sometimes you have to put a lid on it if someone is texting or emailing all day while the “boss” is not looking, however at 5 o’clock they get ghost. To me that is a red flag. At times I have, (a) told them I get the feeling you are not shooting str8 with me because of (the reason listed above), or (b) I will send a quick message telling them I do not like using email and texting as a primary form of communications and wish them luck in their future endeavors and K.I.M.
Wondering
April 28th, 2010
9:52 am
I havent read since last week but did that trick that calls herself cough sexyleggs run Carlito off, she really had some nerve.
abc
April 28th, 2010
9:53 am
Facebook is a loser’s playground. That so many participate in it simply shows what a large volume of Internet addicted losers there are.
As if I want to catch up people from high school or something. What for? That’s crazy… a kid told me some time ago that he didn’t understand the value of reunions, because everybody puts it all out there on Facebook anyway, so why bother? Point taken. What a bunch of losers.
SexyCool
April 28th, 2010
9:54 am
Three Words Daily – Believe in yourself.
Timeless
April 28th, 2010
9:56 am
Professor @8:59. I have also had the same experience. Men tend to give straightforward advice while women tend to be more concerned with political correctness first.
Professor (sort of sleepy)
April 28th, 2010
10:00 am
@Trevor0529 Welcome to the blog!
Wassup Melo!
Kinderbabe yep.
As for the FB, I have seen the good and the bad. The good thing is I’ve never had any problems with my FB account or friends. Like Lady J if I am not writing something positive on the wall that will motivate and encourage others I don’t write. I use my acct for positive energy only. In fact, I am fiesty by nature and I am not even that on FB I just love giving and receiving the positive energy on there. I will say this a few of my HS friends have taken down their accounts due to drama…simple stuff over he said she said, things that happened in HS and hooking up with old flames. I still don’t understand that mess, but maybe I work too much and too hard to add those problems in my life…I am trying to live debt free and stress free.
PrincessNik
April 28th, 2010
10:00 am
@Professor, I love the choc teddy grahams LOL. My fav is the honey though. I always buy the 12 pks when Publix has them BOGO
AmazonRed™
April 28th, 2010
10:02 am
Morning all –
Yes, I do have a core set of male friends whom I could talk to about anything if asked. Most of them are married now, so we don’t have talks like we used to. In any case, I do bend their ear when I’m trying to figure out the male brain.
But I’m 32 now. If I don’t have it by now, I’m not going to. Opinions are good, but at the end of the day, I have to be accountable. So really, having someone to talk to is great, but ultimately I am the master of my fate and pilot this ship the best way I know how.
Professor (sort of sleepy)
April 28th, 2010
10:05 am
abc
Are you saying that all of these corporations, entertainers, musicians, and media outlets such as the NY Times, ABC, Proctor and Gamble, Sony, CNN etc. are losers that got it wrong because they have a FB page? Also if you are so against the Internet, please explain why you blog? It is easy to see the correlation between blogging and FB there are similarities as well as differences.
M. (pronouced M dot)
April 28th, 2010
10:08 am
Good day.
I have a good mixed diverse group of friends. Its good because we can compare notes and trends in the dating game but also every situation is going to be different.
I am used to being balanced. Sometimes I hang out with my female friends, sometimes with my guys and just shoot the breeze.
Sometimes women are naive to the “He is like my brother” game…This usually a guy who wants to get with you but just does not know how to close the deal so he thinks coming in through the friend angle is his way in. Does not work that way.
I do think sometimes women need to hear other thoughts besides those of other women. These other women usually just cosign each others ideology and try to justify what they are doing as right because they both don’t have a man. Sometimes you do need to hear a guys point of view because you are trying get a guy right? If so, don’t be so quick to embrace the idea of being around the sisterhood of they will always try to justify what they are doing rather than calling thme out if they are wrong.
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
10:09 am
Thank God this is America for freedom of speech and respecting others opinions…..wow it amazes me how emotional some folk can get about minor stuff…..tisk, tisk! LOL
It's me....lurker
April 28th, 2010
10:10 am
Men tend to give straightforward advice while women tend to be more concerned with political correctness first.
I mesh very well with men and rarely have I encountered a male friend that’s not a friend for life. On every occasion of getting advice or their take, it’s always been on the up and up. Females? I have a number of women that I’ll speak to in passing or courteous but a handful that I’d consider “friends.” As phrased earlier, the faint of heart can’t hang. I’m not into political correctness, not into worrying about what someone says or think of me…once I’ve left the circle and if you ask me I’m going to tell you….my honest opinion. Not what you want to hear. I think it’s hypocritical to see a friend maybe making the wrong decision or blinded and talk about it and shake your head at ‘em but you won’t tell them. I have a couple that will take a hard line with me but I could only be the better for their advice and insight.
abc
April 28th, 2010
10:11 am
All the corporations use Facebook to market to you. So does my company, even though there’s not much chance of there being a market for our products there. I can see that the marketeers have detracted from the Internet a great deal; I understand how they do that because I participate in doing it. Guys like me figure out ways to track you that you’d never dream of, it’s been going on since the mid-90’s. Things like Facebook bring all the tracking mechanisms together.
There is no correlation between Facebook and a blog like this one. If you think there is, please explain.
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
10:11 am
melo it is men out there too that are into their career and dating or a relationship isn’t their main priority…….it goes both ways….lol
PrincessNik
April 28th, 2010
10:11 am
It’s me….lurker
^5!
SexyCool
April 28th, 2010
10:11 am
Sometimes, my guy friends confuse the heck outta me. I can talk with two or three of them about the same issue and get three totally different responses.
And while I value the glimpses that they give me in the male psyche, I’ve learned that, much like with advice from my female friends, to take what I need and make my decisions based on what I believe is best for me and my relationship.
And I also know that while talking to my male friends can be helpful, talking to my man works out best every time.
Melo
April 28th, 2010
10:13 am
Wassup Prof!
I am wonderig why Wondering is wandering,wrongly calling out Sexxyleggs and if Wondering misread which bloggger called out Carlito and also wondering if Wondering aint a regular wandering and blandering female blogger?
I am lso Wondering if a male blogger cld really be envious(coughing) of Leggs’s so sexxy leggs or maybe Wondering is just some jealousy non-Wonderful Woman that goes by the name Wondering
Professor (sort of sleepy)
April 28th, 2010
10:14 am
@Princess yes I got the BOGO deal at Publix…lol. Now, I will trade you my chocolate ones for your cinnamon?
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
10:15 am
it’s a virtual forum just like fb….you can give your saus or not…it is concise with a daily topic but it serves the purpose with connecting with other folks via the internet…..of course you don’t put up personal pics and your other info but they are very similar and yet different but both serve the same purpose to me the positive connection……FB isn’t a tool to be or do nothing I won’t be or do in person nor is this blog…..I am the same in the virtual world and real life….
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
10:16 am
melo I was wondering the samething…..smh lol
PrincessNik
April 28th, 2010
10:16 am
aww professor i’m fresh out, i have a 7 year old remember LOL
It's me....lurker
April 28th, 2010
10:17 am
thanks PrincessNik….we are here today
AmazonRed™
April 28th, 2010
10:21 am
I have my settings where no one can write on my wall but me….So I only do positive updates and get positve feedback……it works for me!
What kind of negative things would folks be saying? I’ve never had such a problem.
Professor (sort of sleepy)
April 28th, 2010
10:21 am
That so many participate in it simply shows what a large volume of Internet addicted losers there are.
abc, you mentioned the internet addicts both take place over the internet and both are addictive. I was just curious, but it is neither here nor there…just more curiuos than anything. Also, I remember being in undergrad and I will never forget some information came out that in 15-20 years if a person could not use the internet it would be equal to not knowing how to read. Actually I can see that now, although it did not make sense than, but I digress.
abc
April 28th, 2010
10:22 am
Now, that is a load of crap, Lady J. Do you think we are ‘connecting’ in the same way as Facebook? The blog allows Faceless exchange of ideas, although the resource is mostly wasted — there might be 600 posts in a day on here, but 500 of them will be pointless blather.
Yall are delusional about the male friend thing. If you need advice about men because you don’t understand anything about them, why do you think another man will tell you the truths that the object of your romantic interest won’t tell you? If you’d be up-front and honest with the men you’re dating, chances are they’d tell you the truth, too.
AmazonRed™
April 28th, 2010
10:23 am
The dude that I consider my oldest & closest friend (known the guy since 2nd grade) I haven’t seen since my wedding day & have only spoken to on a handful of occasions, despite the fact that we both live in ATL (albeit on opposite sides of town). We haven’t had a falling out. And we both know that if either of us really needed anything, the other is the first person we could call. We’ve just both been busy with our own lives & haven’t really had time to catch up in a while. And that’s okay
Actually swiss, this sums up my closest female relatinships too.
kimmie
April 28th, 2010
10:24 am
What’s up, Gang? Blogging from home today – just chillin’
If I don’t have it by now, I’m not going to. Opinions are good, but at the end of the day, I have to be accountable. So really, having someone to talk to is great, but ultimately I am the master of my fate and pilot this ship the best way I know how.
Amred, I with you on this.
I’m like you Professor, in that my friends, both male & female, are in sort of compartments. It’s ones that I go to for certain things. Usually it’s because I respect their perspective on certain things. Some I like the way they raise their kids, so I go to them for advice on SO’s kids. Others I admire how they relate to men, how they run their careers, decorate their home, cook, etc, you all get it.
Most of my main girlfriends I met in college. We NEVER did the play-by-play talk about men, even back then. We give some basic info and may go into a little more detail if things didn’t work out, like one did AFTER her divorce. If we were truly into some mess we thought was destructive or unhealthy, we would be honest with each other about it, and we have. Otherwise, we live & let live. I have one friend now that I met at a prior job, and she can’t deal with the fact that I don’t do the play-by-play. I told her it’s nothing personal, it’s just not something me & my friends have ever done.
As for male friends, it’s great until they get a gf or wife. So I don’t put much stock into them anymore. It’s a few I chat with at work, but that’s very limited too. I guess if I really needed a male opinion about something, I really respect my boss. He & I have had some similiar experiences, like dealing with deaths of loved ones & such, so he has actually become a great source.
My brother’s were good sources of info growing up, but I limited what I told them too, didn’t need no siblings up in my business, LOL!! I do miss my late brother – he was so smart & he really schooled me with love about a dude I was seeing that he thought was wrong for me. He was so right.
Good Guy, I respect so much what you said about some male friends and how they talk about women when they are with their “boys”. I dated a guy that was heavily influenced by his male friends that were complete dogs! It really affected how he related to me! I began to see him as very weak, not his own man, being still so influenced by peer pressure at darn near 40. That really made me pay attention to what kind of friends future men I dealt with had. Birds of a feather. My SO has wonderful family men, like him, that he has as close friends. They are all so positive to be around!
My SO is actually becoming a best friend to me. I respect his advice and views on things. Very refreshing.
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
10:24 am
To each their own ABC and I am over your assessment! We will never agree so lets happily agree to disagree! To get snappy with it concerns me but you are who you are so I respect that! Enjoy your day sir!
SexyCool
April 28th, 2010
10:25 am
Lucinda – I think I have dated the dude that you are currently playing email games with in the past.
Drop him. He is a loser. And trust, he’s sending the same cutesy emails to at least 5 or 6 other chicks.