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Dating interrupted: Why women need male friends

I have a small group of male friends that I consider like brothers.  I’ve known them long enough to trust their judgment and definitely listen to their advice on dating!  I don’t always like what they say, and I definitely don’t always love the way they say it.  These guys mean well but they aren’t real big on tact.  It’s pretty straight, no chaser kind of feedback I get from them.

When I asked one of them to go to the Nightline Face-Off debate earlier this month, I somehow got a dating  lecture.  Vince didn’t understand why I needed to go to any debate/forum about relationships.  He seemed to think that a lot of women (read: me) sabotage our own chances with potential matches because we don’t like being happy.

I, of course don’t agree and prepared an impressive rebuttal with evidence of my concerted efforts to get coupled up.  He counter argues (he’s finishing law school, a clear advantage over me) with my line up past of seedy characters and bad selections.

In my defense, I truly believe that I haven’t had major dating misadventures in the last three years. At the same time, Vince made me wonder about the little things I subconsciously do that probably are counterproductive.  Such as having a crazy busy schedule and not making time for the time-worthy men I meet.

This is why it is good to have boy “space” friends.  Ladies, they call you on your stuff when you need it.  They do not sugarcoat no matter how much you threaten them using blackmail. Do you have people in your life who you trust to give you sage advice?  I don’t just mean dating advice, but self-improvement in general?  How did you come to trust this person so much?

Who do you seek out when  you aren’t able to recognize the bad dating habits that are interrupting your dating life?  I recall dating a man that literally had no close friends.  At the time, I found it really odd but I think men are totally different in that they don’t require the same friendship connections that women do.  What do you think?

Guys, do you have little to no male friends you consider your to be in your “inner circle”? Is it pretty common for a man to have no close friends? How healthy can that be emotionally? Or do you guys even think of that kind of thing?

One disclaimer about having boy “space” friends: Do not. I repeat. Do NOT ask them about sex.  Men bring a totally new meaning to the phrase TMI (too much information) on that topic.

467 comments Add your comment

kinderbabe--19 days and counting! woohoo!

April 28th, 2010
8:11 am

definitely will just be reading today. never been a strong believer in male confidants….have a great day everyone!:)

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
8:20 am

Good Morning Good People!!!!!!!

You are right Diva!!!!1 I have a close group of guy friends and they are late 30s to mid 40s and they tell it like it is……I too ask my big brotha about the Nightline dating issues and he laughed it off saying we aren’t intimadated by no successful single black woman….that was the extent of the convo….This guy has been in every phase of my life….As I was dealing with my seperation/divorce he was there giving real life advice and even kept it real saying I got married for the wrong reasons and have to know deal with the bed I laid…..That was about 5 years ago and it rocked me that he was right….never judge me but always give great advice…..I remember him giving good advice also about my trip to Vegas last year with an ex boyfriend…….He explained why dude was going even though we were over and how my behavior up to that point could make him change his mind…..It is great to have a solid male perspective when dealing with relationships….It keeps me grounded and shows me my errors and shortcomings with hopes of doing better…..I was with that guy last evening for HH and as a dude tried to talk to me after I gave every indication I wasn’t interested I just grab my big brotha’s arm and stood behind his back and my brotha told dude hey what’s up and the other dude got lost……He protects me and truly cares and it is the best male platonic relationship I ever had in my life!!!!! Nothing but respect for his wisdom and him embracing me for who I am!!!!!! LOL

Jeff

April 28th, 2010
8:38 am

Having close male friends? Why do you think YOUR definition of close should apply to our relationships with our friends?

My experience has been that women are actually the ones who go into too graphic of detail about bedroom issues, not the guys.

Guys convo: “did you get it?” “yeah”, “cool”. “Catch that move Kobe made last night at the end of the game?”

Women: “so he leaned over….and then he…..and then I….and you know what a babies arm is shaped like right……but the skin tone was a little off…..and then he….” for an HOUR.

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
8:39 am

on the flipside I interact with his lady friends and some even seek me out to get invited to certain functions……I also respect him by letting him know…he is my friend first….I too give my spill on his dealings and he listens to my POV….This chic he is dealing with now is simple to me bc as she was there sunday for the cook out and last evening for happy hour she kept rolling her eyes and when I left and said bye to each person that heiffer just looked at me….so I feel some woman have issues with male/women relationship….A insecurity flaw at best bc 1st and farmost you should respect your mates friends if you are going to hang around…..she don’t have to like me but being pleasent with hello, good-bye and not looking sideways shouldn’t be the case with a good and grown woman…….I don’t want him we just have a close bond through it all……..she’s the only one out of 6 years that is acting like this…..

the crew is planning a Tailgate getaway for the Falcon’s/Saints game in NO for late September….it is plenty men and woman apart of this crew….This will be my 1st getaway with many male friends and female counterparts….I think we are going to have a blast……Go Falcons!!!!!!!!

PrincessNik

April 28th, 2010
8:40 am

Do you have people in your life who you trust to give you sage advice? I don’t just mean dating advice, but self-improvement in general? How did you come to trust this person so much?

Yes, my brother/best friend. We talk about EVERYTHING (and Diva you are so right about TMI on the sex issue.) We call each other on all the BS, i know if i want it told to me exactly how it is with no sugarcoating then my brother is the one to do it. He will say you aren’t gonna like what i’m about to say, or you may not want to hear this but………and I do him the same way. We don’t always listen to what the other says and end up having to say you were right i should have listened. I don’t have many “close” female friends, females have proven to be to “messy” for my tastes. I do have friends i hang out with, but confide in not really

Good Morning!

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
8:40 am

jeff too funny!!!!!! LMAO!

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
8:41 am

PrincessNik

April 28th, 2010
8:43 am

hey Lady J, Hey KB

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
8:44 am

you are right PK…….Over time and losing some close female friends over mess I deal with many at a far not all the time but I do have them….It is a healthy balance to embrace both……experience has taught me to love from afar and it is ok….lol

When I am hitting the street I hit my crew up before I dial a chic….lol……sometimes they ask too many questions and it works my nerves…you either down or not and men can be clear cut most times with locations and happenings….

Good Guy Getting Greater (4G) - betta den ur 3G

April 28th, 2010
8:46 am

Good Morning Everyone!

Being a guy and at the same cost, being cut from a different cloth altogether, no I don’t have a close inner circle or group of friends. I do, have a few girl *space* friends that I consider sisters to me, blood couldn’t make us any closer, but I don’t have a lot of male friends, because it seems guys these days ain’t made like they used to be. I’m from old school & old fashioned upbringing so my thoughts and views differ from a lot of guys i work with or have known for a while. We may be cool, but I can’t bear the thought of having to be around them while they’re calling women out of their name, making cat calls, always talking about money & seldom about the Lord, betraying one another (trying to take another dude’s girl & such foolishnesss), the whole M.O.E/M.O.B. attitude…..I just figure myself way more mature than I am for my age, so what good will it do me to have close friendships with guys who are less mature? Exactly.

But the women in my life (what a blessing they are) are so much more on my level in terms of maturity and how they handle themselves and their business. We use each other because they know the reasons I don’t associate with males, so they know I can put them up on game & vice versa when it comes to dating advice. Of course their opinions aren’t always to my liking, but I wouldn’t have it any other way because its the God honest truth.

Yes, a lot of women that I have dated think it’s weird or odd that I don’t have any male friends, but when they learn more about me and how I handle biz they slowly, but surely realize why. and @WD, yes guys can be explicit on the sex details, but so can women believe me lol actually I thought it was men who were more like “Did you hit?” Yea “Cool.” and women who were like “Girl, What Happened?” Well, blah blah blah & blah blah blah & whoop whoop whoop “Girl, no he didn’t!?!? What else?” lmao!

CMS

April 28th, 2010
8:46 am

I have one platonic female friend and that’s because she has my back like my blood sister. Besides that no female friends that would actually fulfill the fullest sense of the word.

Now I got one main homeboy, ace, runnin partna that gives me good advice on a number of different things besides women. Plus I have my brother who I can be totally transparent with. We’ll call eachother out on anything. This past Saturday we met up at our mom’s house. He had a big smile on his face as I brought my son with me…I looked inside his mouth and before saying hello I told him, “You need to go to the dentist!”

Professor (sort of sleepy)

April 28th, 2010
8:50 am

Hola!

Yes, I have my male friends, and I will say this they are wonderful “Never would have made it without them” (singing in my Marvin Sapp voice). Although they call me on my BS, set me str8, get in my behind, they love me no matter what, and most of all they are my biggest cheerleaders. I love those guys! (Most are family cousins and my brother and a long term friend).

My male friends are in categories like the rest of my life they fall in different compartments…I have one that I discuss business/career moves with he is the best, another one I discuss family issues with and the other one mainly relationships…two of them I discuss anything with. Even with my friends I know their strengths and weaknesses so I tend to lean on certain ones when I have certain problems.

Hey Princess and Lady J

Good Guy Getting Greater (4G) - betta den ur 3G

April 28th, 2010
8:54 am

My male friends are in categories like the rest of my life they fall in different compartments…

@Prof – Same here. I find this true with a lot of my girl *space* friends (thanks WD lol)

Professor (sort of sleepy)

April 28th, 2010
8:55 am

@4G you know what you made some good points. I was talking with an associate a few weeks ago about my circle is not big at all. I don’t do BS. Yep, I will call you out, but if I have to call you out too many times I know we cannot hang. Although I have GF I don’t run in a pack. I will stop through for a birthday dinner or a girls day at the movies or something, but that is it. I get tired of hearing certain stuff. My theme is this whether male or female you need to be bringing value to my life…point blank period.

Mo (aka Moeisha )

April 28th, 2010
8:56 am

Lady J – girl whats the deal on that tailgate?? I may have to crash……lol

My BFF is a guy and I do have a few male friends as well that I am tight with. Like Lady J, I can always count on them to give it to me straight no chaser. I appreciate it and thats not to say I dont appreciate my female counterparts but sometimes I want a POV from a man’s perspective. I feel that I have a great balance.

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
8:56 am

Hey Professor!!!!!! Your like a big sistah to me and I appreciate it!!!! :) Have a great day too!!!!!

Mo (aka Moeisha )

April 28th, 2010
8:56 am

Professor – ^5 on your post chica, how are you

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
8:57 am

Mo meet us in New Orleans Sept 26th!!!!! I can’t wait!!!!!!!! you know you are always welcome to the local tailgate spots!!!!!! ;)

PrincessNik

April 28th, 2010
8:58 am

hola Profesora!

Professor (sort of sleepy)

April 28th, 2010
8:59 am

Disclaimer this is only my experience and opinion

I have noticed that my male friends are most honest in their advice it seems like it is coming from the heart more. Also I like the fact that they use fewer words, the communication is clear and concise. On the other hand sometimes my female friends will sit on the fence with me and the advice is a little in the middle. I know my female friends love me and want the best for me, but I feel it is more difficult for them to take a position in their advice. IMO

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
9:01 am

you right about fewer words…….so tot the point and moving on to the next convo….lol

Good Guy Getting Greater (4G) - betta den ur 3G

April 28th, 2010
9:03 am

My theme is this whether male or female you need to be bringing value to my life…point blank period

@Prof – Amen to that one! Mi thinks I need to quote on fb for that one lol Simple statement, but sooooo true

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
9:04 am

Mo how are your interactions with his female friends???

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
9:04 am

good one professor!

look @ good guy updating his status!!!! LOL Good morning sir! lol

Professor (sort of sleepy)

April 28th, 2010
9:06 am

@Lady J, no I am looking up to you! You are doing it and it is amazing watching you take off…much love and respect to you!

@Mo it is going well. How is little Mo? I might have to meet you and Lady J in NO I could use some seafood and a hurricane. Y’all know I am a Falcon’s fan for life.

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
9:09 am

Thanks Professor!!!!

Good Guy Getting Greater (4G) - betta den ur 3G

April 28th, 2010
9:09 am

@Lady J – I rarely do update it, but when I do believe me it’s gotta be for something good lol

Professor (sort of sleepy)

April 28th, 2010
9:09 am

@4G I had to pop my collar when you said you was going to update your status. lol

Good Guy Getting Greater (4G) - betta den ur 3G

April 28th, 2010
9:11 am

@Prof – Pop away miss, pop away lol

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
9:12 am

I feel ya good guy!!!!! I use my fb as a personal wisdom page too….I have my settings where no one can write on my wall but me….So I only do positive updates and get positve feedback……it works for me!

Professor (sort of sleepy)

April 28th, 2010
9:13 am

On the record: Lady J, 4G is about to make me pull out the Kool-aid smile…you know I am smiling hard.

Off the record: The honey and cinnamon Teddy Grahams are good these chocolate ones are nasty.

kinderbabe--19 days and counting! woohoo!

April 28th, 2010
9:14 am

hey lady j, mo, professor and princess nik. hope all is well.:) i am a little sleepy over here…lol

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
9:14 am

:) on chica!!!!!

I won’t disclose what I ate this morning! LOL! I have to do better! LOL

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
9:15 am

KB wake up chica!!!!!!! I will give you some of my energy…..lololol!!!!!!! :)

Lucinda

April 28th, 2010
9:16 am

Wish I had some close male friends.

Trying to figure out what’s going on with the current (potential) man. Needs a man’s perspective. Potential seems interested, then drops outta sight, but sends clever emails almost every day.

Imma thinking another lady holds more interest for him and i’m the fall back?

Mo (aka Moeisha )

April 28th, 2010
9:16 am

Professor – Lil Mo is getting his baseball on right now, preparing for Pre-k graduation and a birthday! Busy lil kid! LOL! All is well though.

Lady J – I so didnt forget about tennis but I had to hit another hook-up, I’ll keep you posted. As for my BFF and his female friends, Ive never had a problem with any of them. Now his soon-to-be ex wife thought I couldnt stand her but that wasnt true. I had no problem with her, I just didnt like THEM (as in together) and its sad to say that they are divorcing so I may have been right! People just have to be mature about it.

Okay and yeah, may have to make that trip to the NO, hurricanes, beignets and some good ole n’awlins food would hit the spot!!

Mo (aka Moeisha )

April 28th, 2010
9:18 am

Hey KB, how are you? You sound like my sister with the countdown! Speaking of….

Hey sis, I know you are lurking, c’mon and join the party!! :0)

Good Guy Getting Greater (4G) - betta den ur 3G

April 28th, 2010
9:19 am

I have my settings where no one can write on my wall but me….So I only do positive updates and get positve feedback……it works for me!

@Lady J – lol! now why didn’t I think of that? sound like a good way to permanently delete all the negativity :-)

@Prof – dang, you brought that one back I haven’t had Teddy Grahams in forever! lol yea the chocolate ones are poo :-(

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
9:19 am

cool mo keep me posted bc lil mama does want to play tennis………..I dig your assessment too….you are a good friend to him….heck yall been friends many years!!!!! hope he sustains the break up…..

PrincessNik

April 28th, 2010
9:20 am

I had no problem with her, I just didnt like THEM (as in together)

@MO, this is the issue I have with my brothers choices of women so far

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
9:20 am

good guy I try to maximize everything in my life for the good……lol….use it to your benefit FB doesn’t control me i control it! LOL

kinderbabe--19 days and counting! woohoo!

April 28th, 2010
9:22 am

@LadyJ…sure, i can use some of your energy. you have plenty to spare!! lol

@Mo…i can’t wait til school is done!! this has been a VERY challenging year. ready to see it come to a close.

Good Guy Getting Greater (4G) - betta den ur 3G

April 28th, 2010
9:23 am

good guy I try to maximize everything in my life for the good……lol….use it to your benefit FB doesn’t control me i control it! LOL

@Lady J – In the words of my good friend Derwin Davis….”That’s Wassup!” lol

i'm swiss

April 28th, 2010
9:23 am

“I recall dating a man that literally had no close friends. At the time, I found it really odd but I think men are totally different in that they don’t require the same friendship connections that women do.”

Men are definitely totally different in this regard, and I think it’s actually illustrative of how men & women approach all relationships differently.

Example: The dude that I consider my oldest & closest friend (known the guy since 2nd grade) I haven’t seen since my wedding day & have only spoken to on a handful of occasions, despite the fact that we both live in ATL (albeit on opposite sides of town). We haven’t had a falling out. And we both know that if either of us really needed anything, the other is the first person we could call. We’ve just both been busy with our own lives & haven’t really had time to catch up in a while. And that’s okay.

Now, imagine if we were chics. I guarantee you somebody would have her feelings hurt by now and somebody would long ago have called the other a trifling bytch…. :lol:

Guys just don’t read as much into things. We actually let things go. You ladies should try it sometime, it’s actually kind of nice… ;-) :lol:

Now where’s my vest?

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
9:23 am

Thanks Good Guy! Thumbs Up to you too!!!!! ;)

Luvbug

April 28th, 2010
9:24 am

I used to have a lot more close male friends than female ones. Once they got into serious or marriage situations, I (they or we) created a distance. I can talk via phone or see them every now and then. I weave in and out of female circles now. It’s a challenge. I miss my male friends, but (IMO) it’s not practical to have them when they are attached.

Even with my closest friends, I have always been iron clad in my convos about my relationships when I’m in one. After I’m out, I tell a little more.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a go-to person for relationship advice. I have friends who are vocal about love and life in general. I listen and filter. That’s about it nowadays b/c I find, these days, that some people’s circumstances don’t line up with their choices. Just b/c you’re in a good situation does not mean you should give advice…especially if your history doesn’t reflect good decision making. Some folks should lay low on advice and be thankful that they’ve been blessed with a good outcome…despite themselves. Actually (IMO) all people should (especially me)…what’s that called grace? A lot of times thank you is the best phrase (advice) ever!!

Lucinda

April 28th, 2010
9:25 am

open to suggestions here

It's me....lurker

April 28th, 2010
9:25 am

Am I the only one that don’t really like FB? I had a former coworker that moved back to the west coast…her dad did a tv series in the 90s, who sent a request to connect. Well, I’m so not “up to date” savvy that I didn’t know I had to create a profile. I did it because she asked but I felt so exposed, didn’t want folks reading about me, not even my birthday. Anyway, I shut that thing down. I skeptical about professional connections but I will do that. Anything personal and on the internet? No way.

PrincessNik

April 28th, 2010
9:25 am

I’ve heard that the kind of relationships you maintain with you parents affect your real life relationships.

for example i was a BIG TIME daddy’s girl and as a result I relate better with males than i do with females. I am much more at ease with being Nik when i’m with the fellas.

Mo (aka Moeisha )

April 28th, 2010
9:25 am

Lady J – he sseems to be fine with it, he was the one who filed. I did ask him if he was really sure, if he had done/taken all he could and when he said yes I said ok Im with you then. He was definitely with me through my divorce and he is Lil Mo’s godfather so he really looked out. Plus he lives round da corner, lol! (Oh and he’s a SC State bulldog too! :0) ) We have been friends since the age of 13 so yeah, its been a minute!

Princess – Most of his other choices were okay with me, I could see what he likes about them. I saw what he liked about wifey too HOWEVER there were some things about her that just didnt mesh and I KNEW she wasnt a good fit in the long run. As a person she was cool, never had an issue with her. Having gone through a divorce myself though….lets just say she wasnt ready to get married (may have WANTED to be married but wasnt READY to be married)