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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Reaction to the ‘Nightline’ debate on successful black women’s romantic woes

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Sherri Shepard (left) and VH1 star Jacque Reid represented for the ladies on ABC ‘Nightlline: Face-Off” debate, ‘Why can't a successful black woman find a man?’, It was taped earlier this month (April 2010) in Decatur, Ga (ABC/Guy D'Alema)

I hoped you watched ABC’s Nightline last night! I always find it fascinating how much production goes into a piece that airs. Of course, they have to edit a great deal but I think they highlighted the key points of the discussion!  The debate that aired last night hit on a couple of interesting points.

I recall Hill Harper saying that 95% of professional women want the top 5% of men who they see as their counterparts.  I have my oh so brilliant Love Squad on deck to answer our own face-off questions:

Is it a misconception that Atlanta women are looking for highly educated, successful men?  Or is there a grain of truth to this? Considering the many single professional black women I know and meet in the city,  I honestly can not think of many that only date corporate/executive, pro ball players. What do you think?

Bren Herrera, 30, Atlanta. Education:  Post-Graduate.  Industry: Entertainment

“I’ve seen a plethora of women that seek that prototypical man–the baller, the pro player, the actor, singer, etc… I’ve had conversations with these “tangibly” driven women.  Sherri underscored this point, from the other side when she mentioned the man at Home Depot whom didn’t call her back because she was on TV–he didn’t want to deal with the things he perceived come along with the entertainment personalities. As a woman, I feel her on that. At the end of the day, I’ll subscribe to the cliché: I just want a good man. A man that I can first trust at ALL times, not just when he’s behaving well. A man that extends himself, is open to learning new things and is willing to compromise. A man that goes to God for answers and not his single boys that can potentially lead him in the wrong direction (because we all know men are just as vulnerable as women are!)

Craig T. Taylor, 34.  Sandy Springs, GA. Occupation: Founder and Editorial Director of Indakno.com, LLC.

Women should not be looking for a man.  That is where they fail.  Whosoever findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22.  Just make yourself available as a woman and the right man will find you.  Position is relative. I think women just generally want a “good man”.  Loyal, honest, respectful, responsible, passionate, and loves God.  What else can you ask for in a “good man”.  If a man has these traits, it does not matter if he is making 25k or 125k.  He will always be doing the BEST that he can and trying to do better.  Any person that is looking for someone to match them equally is looking for a boring relationship and may as well be with themselves.  It does not take two corporate executives to have a successful relationship.  It takes two people who love, respect, and has an undeniable passion about each other to make it work.

Dr. Tartt responds to my Love Squad question: Do you believe there are special hurdles Atlanta professionals face in finding a partner?

Your turn to weigh in my insightful readers: Professional Atlanta singles certainly enjoy the good life, but have we lost sight of what is truly important like family, raising healthy children, and building good relationships?

925 comments Add your comment

PrincessNik

April 22nd, 2010
11:42 am

Ared, negative to the condom

AmazonRed™

April 22nd, 2010
11:42 am

i can tell u getting it…

u generally very relaxed on the blog..no raised brow or any such bullshyyt!

Shut up melo. :lol:

THE INFAMOUS DK AKA THE GOD OF WAR

April 22nd, 2010
11:43 am

Two Cents- A lot of women say that but cant give up the control they are so used to exuding.. And are so busy lookin for a dude to make a mistake so they can correct him, like he’s a dog needing “Strong Correction”

AmazonRed™

April 22nd, 2010
11:43 am

Ared, negative to the condom

Okay. And like I said, I’m going home for lunch so I won’t be missing it.

abc

April 22nd, 2010
11:43 am

To clarify: by definition, people of European extraction are Caucasian, including Italians.

anonymousella

April 22nd, 2010
11:43 am

@dan my point is that we are focusing on black women as though we are problematic, when in reality it’s both of us. and while sherri and jacque seemed to grok what the men were saying, hill and jimi were not and did not do the same. steve (thankfully) had some sense.

keep in mind, i have followed jimi for years and dude stays wrong when it comes to gender, relationships and sexual orientation. and hill did not make himself look smart.

Melo

April 22nd, 2010
11:44 am

Ladies, keep your legs close and demand that these men respect you

emack06??

u were on point untill u posted that “closing of legs” heresy/blasphemy.

They will run u outta here too,if u not careful!

:lol: :lol:

i'm swiss

April 22nd, 2010
11:45 am

“Where is the line?”

It’s a fine line between being funny & being offensive… But a good rule of thumb is to keep the subject of the humor light-hearted.

Example:

White dudes can’t dance = who really cares = inconsequential = light-hearted = funny, so roll with it.

On the other hand:

KKK = Killed & terrorized lots of people = lots of people care a great deal = very consequential = not very funny.

I know you didn’t mean anything by it & I’m sure most everyone else here does as well, but it’s just a very sensitive reference (and understandably so).

emack06

April 22nd, 2010
11:45 am

Oh, if a man is not willing to give his life for you then he doesnt love you. God commanded us men to love our wives as Jesus loves the church. Jesus so loves the church that he gave his life for it. So must us men be willing to do for our wifes; that agape love.

SexyCool

April 22nd, 2010
11:46 am

abc – I know that. Carlito is the one that makes the distinction. (Actually kinda had me scratching my head….or at least it would if I had dandruff.)

Sassy Me..Sun Kissed :-)

April 22nd, 2010
11:46 am

I can’t even begin to try to catch up or comment because this successful black woman is leaving work early today to get her marriage license

YAAAAAAAY!!!! Congrats Tazzeeeeee :lol: :mrgreen:

PrincessNik

April 22nd, 2010
11:47 am

Okay. And like I said, I’m going home for lunch so I won’t be missing it.

@ARed ;)

Kym--Happy Earth Day!!

April 22nd, 2010
11:47 am

Pretty sure the void in my soul..would be filled with veggie lasanga if Carlito would come back here and bring me a recipe.

Sassy Me..Sun Kissed :-)

April 22nd, 2010
11:48 am

Dude you usually on point but you read kinda bitter today….

Sassy Me..Sun Kissed :-)

April 22nd, 2010
11:49 am

Kym I think lito took his ball and went home…

Lady J-Streaming Live Now-Cool, Calm & Collected! LOL

April 22nd, 2010
11:50 am

I have to profess there are GREAT BLACK MEN OUT there!!!!!!! yep they are out there…….so I guess that is why I am close minded with dating other races bc I feel in my heart my successful balck man is out there for me…..just a personal desire……but I am open to great conversations with other races it does make me think “what if” but i am a bit timid to the thought….

Dan

April 22nd, 2010
11:50 am

@Anon

They may focused on it as a root cause. But “black women” aren’t the problem, just like “black men” aren’t the problem.

It’s the pockets of crazy in both sexes that throws somma us; and then for added measure, they leave a little of the crazy behind and causing unnecessary drama.

Relax, relate, release (since we bringing up old isht)

abc

April 22nd, 2010
11:51 am

White people can dance, they just don’t go so much for some tantric boogie. European white men are among the best players in the NBA. White people like chicken and watermelon, too.

I can’t think of any KKK jokes I’ve ever heard, except to make fun of their sheets, or cast aspersions upon their mama, uh sister, uh, …well, that’d be the same girl, I reckon. Auntie mama?

AmazonRed™

April 22nd, 2010
11:53 am

Sounds like someone is getting luckier by the minute!!!! :0

Simple Man – I know you’re new and all…and welcome…

But you can shut up too! :lol:

East Point's Own

April 22nd, 2010
11:54 am

What about the thought that many of the problems between men and women may be partially due to the way that thw working work makes us behave. The very traits that allow one to be successful in the business enviornment may be the very traits that drive a wedge in our relationships. All these people striving to get to the top and make all the money are so used to being in control and beating the competition that we forget, or don’t know how to turn those attributes off once we are at home. Everything can’t be a competition, and everyone can’t be in control.

At home somebody has to know when to say when, or else you might as well not be in a relationship if you have to always have everything your way… Now the tricky part is this… a lot of women SAY they want their man to be in charge but when they don’t get things to go thier way they show their whole and entire backside. So either say and act like you want your man to be in control of things the majority of the time… or admit to yourself that you don’t have it in you to let him take charge and go get you a dude that will let you be in charge.

And no bible verses are needed to determine who should be in control, because I can find another bible verse to counter your arguement…I’m just sayin’

http://hispointofview.com

i'm swiss

April 22nd, 2010
11:54 am

abc — Exactly…. My point is that some stereotypes are about silly, inconsequential things & can be joked about without causing offense to most reasonable people. Other things, not so much…

steve

April 22nd, 2010
11:55 am

The stages of romantic relationships generally correspond to age. In youth we are selfish and hungry for self satisfaction. If we are lucky enough to have a stable partner we grow in harmony as we learn sharing. After about 10 – 15 yrs. we have a unique, special history and connection with our partner that is like yeast rolls that have risen at room temp and ready for the oven. I think we are now ready to inherit the gift that sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom…instant awareness of our partner’s needs and desires. The final stage in this relationship enterprise is the best…Actually looking forward to his or her needs so we can fill them. That is an endorphin rush that allows us to fall in love all over again every day. Knowing our partner’s unique needs from decades of commitment is a gift they give us. I think all of this takes time, maturity, forgiveness, patience, and willingness, but I promise it’s worth it. I think these dynamics cross racial, gender, ethnic, religious, or language barriers. I think they even apply to long standing homosexual relationships. In short, I think happiness in mature relationships is about the personal joy the comes from giving to your exclusive partner….the exact opposite of the way the relationship started…Remember you only really own what you can give away (fear, hate, selfishness, territory, etc)…otherwise it owns you.

Carlito

April 22nd, 2010
11:58 am

I’m here, and I promise if I really tried to join the KKK I would be denied. Can anyone tell me why? LOL

And for a little more clarity, for those who care to know. Italians from the North and South have different origins it is not just an economic disparity.

Here is some good reading, if you shall:

In certain places and certain times, Italians, like other Southern Europeans, have indeed been considered ‘non-white’. This was the case, for example (but not exclusively) in the U.S., during the 19th century and the early 20th century. The white elite of predominanty Northern European extraction that dominated the country wanted to monopolize power for itself, and one way to do that was to define everyone else as ‘non-white’. Since (according to the ideologies prevalent at the time) the white race was superior to all others, making it a very ‘exclusive club’ allowed them to bar access to power from Southern European immigrants. There were even immigration laws that defined which percentage of each nationality was allowed to enter the U.S. every year, based on their respective race: more Northern European immigrants were allowed in than Southern Europeans, even though in the late 19th and the early 20th century there were more people wanting to come to the U.S. from Southern Europe than Northern Europe.

The more recent evolution has been very curious, in a way. As the flow of immigration from Italy to the U.S. diminuished, and Italian immigrants became more and more integrated into the American landscape, and as immigration from Latin America became more prevalent, the new category of ‘Latino/Hispanic’ appeared. And, in spite of the obvious linguistic and cultural similarities between all Southern Europeans; in spite of the fact that the very word ‘Latino’ is derived from the name of an ancient people of Italy, Italians are not usually regarded as Latino. Madonna, an Italian-American with Italian last name, can innocently say that she ‘loves Latinos’ at a concert.

The lesson I personally draw from all this is that race concepts are fluid and culture-dependent, much more than most people realise. In the end, in our racist societies, ‘white’ is just a synonym for privileged, and ‘non-white’, or the various other terms that are employed around the world, a synonym for ‘discriminated’

SexyCool

April 22nd, 2010
11:58 am

Dave Chapelle’s Clayton Bigsby is one of the few things that can make me laugh at KKK jokes. And that is only because it is SO frickin’ outrageous that you *know* it’s comedy.

Kym--Happy Earth Day!!

April 22nd, 2010
11:59 am

@Carlito..all that..and still no recipe..smh!!

Dan

April 22nd, 2010
12:00 pm

@EPO

Some people ain’t ready.

Jesus himself (the real version, not the lionized misquoted dude) could come back himself and few would believe him.

At a certain point, both men and women have to take a leap of faith in a relationship and trust that the person you give your heart to won’t misuse that faith. And if it does happen assess why and do better.

You can’t love with limits – SLS

(umm except for dying – emack – that’s marriage and we just talking dating right now….)

anonymousella

April 22nd, 2010
12:00 pm

@dan but the topic was “why can’t a successful black woman find a man?” not “why are successful black men …” or “why are successful black people…” feel me?

asking about black women suggests that unmarried black men are not a problem. otherwise, we’d be discussing, right?

Carlito

April 22nd, 2010
12:01 pm

Kym, what do you want to know how to make?

Melo

April 22nd, 2010
12:03 pm

@East Point!

u on point homie!

i'm swiss

April 22nd, 2010
12:04 pm

@ SexyCool — RE: that Chappelle skit… That is pretty friggin’ hilarious. My favorite part is when he pulls up to the stop light beside the 2 white kids blasting the rap music…. :lol: “Did he just call us n____? Awesome!!!” :lol:

Lady J-Streaming Live Now-Cool, Calm & Collected! LOL

April 22nd, 2010
12:06 pm

socialogy 101 peeps! lol

SexyCool

April 22nd, 2010
12:06 pm

Naw, Cheese, it’s when he goes to the rally and his *handlers* tell him to keep his hood on. But then he takes it off anyway. And the reaction, complete with the dude’s head exploding, hilarity.

Dan

April 22nd, 2010
12:08 pm

@anon

I get it, and you’re right. The debate does begin from a bad proposition.

But, if Black women have a problem, then so do Black men; and vice versa. So of course the subject is going to expand from the original hypothesis. That’s to get you to watch.

Luvbug

April 22nd, 2010
12:09 pm

Carlito – You’re back. You are soooooooooo dramatic! LOL

SexyCool

April 22nd, 2010
12:09 pm

Oh and to the topic….broke ass black chicks aren’t exactly having great luck in relationships either.

So, again, I say – it’s not about the *success* of it all…it’s that relationships are frickin’ difficult to maintain. Add this to the fact that today, EVERYBODY has too many options. When there were fewer options….

Lady J-Count your Blessings, Cut your loses, & Follow the yellow brick road!

April 22nd, 2010
12:12 pm

wow I just read the post again………i see said the blind man…….trust has to be there…..all of it

SexyCool

April 22nd, 2010
12:12 pm

There is this Jewish guy at work who *thought* he could make a racially insensitive comment to a Black co-worker because “Jewish people are discriminated against too”. Even made reference to the Holo…..um, yeah, let me not go *there*.

Dan

April 22nd, 2010
12:13 pm

@SC

“options” is a bit of a cop-out too.

Again, it suggests that forces beyond your control, control you.

It’s not options, it’s “informed consent”. But you I don’t know me, how can I get you to know me? (replace know with comfortable, love, respect, and self-control and you’ve covered 99% of the foolishness).

Carlito

April 22nd, 2010
12:14 pm

Luvbug, that is me “The Situation” and I received an interesting email :) lol

Melo

April 22nd, 2010
12:14 pm

I think this week is not black females’ week..thats all…

they are talking about black females and herpes too,this week…

just loading up on black females……

I think they just need to give uall a break..u too WD!

:lol:

East Point's Own

April 22nd, 2010
12:16 pm

@ Dan I understand that some people are really not ready, but if you are not ready for commitment then you should not continue in a 3-5 year + relationship when you know that the other person wants to marry. If you know that marriage is not in your near future plans you should not waste your mate’s time. Having said that, I don’t think its necessarily that most of those folks are not ready for marriage, its more that they are waiting for something/someone better or they feel like they might miss something if they get married before they are 30 or whatever age in their head they feel is old enough to get married.

Also long those lines, the men who don’t want to get married until they can buy a house or until they are financially well off are just as much misguided because it would 9 times out of 10 be much easier and faster to buy a house and get financially settled if you have the RIGHT person by your side. By the time you get to where you want to be its hard to tell which women are into you or your nice house/car, etc.

http://hispointofview.com

Carlito

April 22nd, 2010
12:16 pm

I am this way, if you joke with me I am going to joke with you. If we never joke from the initial there is no worry about being offended.

mytw♥cents

April 22nd, 2010
12:17 pm

SEXXXY Sounds like a viable solution to me! Oh, but then they’ll say they were distracted and it’s not their fault they choose wrong cuz they were mesmerized by whats tween her thighs…

INFAMOUS Alright, I know of what you speak. BUT. Whatever happened to fight for your love? Whatever age you date em… it’s been like 34, 42, 51 yrs of having to fend for herself. Why would it be automatic for her to relinquish that mentality? In my mind, you have to be willing enough to become invested in her, which means logging time disabusing her of the notion that she’s gotta steer the ship at all, nevermind doing it alone.

SexyCool

April 22nd, 2010
12:18 pm

Since when did option = control.

And option can’t jump up and force you to take it. Exercising an option is still action that YOU have to take and that YOU control.

And I didn’t say that the availability of choices is THE cause. I simply see it as another factor in what makes relationship success even more difficult.

Luvbug

April 22nd, 2010
12:18 pm

Okay Carlito. You do know you can only use the Dear John Letter and come back once right?! I mean how else are we supposed to know when you’re really serious? You can’t just be saying bye forever all willy nilly.

Actually you waisted your one cuz you didn’t even give us five minutes to miss you after you posted your big exit. :lol:

Carlito

April 22nd, 2010
12:21 pm

Luvbug, I here ya. LOL

AmazonRed™

April 22nd, 2010
12:22 pm

You do know you can only use the Dear John Letter and come back once right?! I mean how else are we supposed to know when you’re really serious?

Luvbug – :lol:

Why do folks even waste their time giving these dramatic swan song exits. You always come back! :lol:

We don’t need the annoucement. When it’s your time to join the blog graveyard, just go. You look so silly when you announce you’re leaving and then come back!

kimmie-livin my golden life

April 22nd, 2010
12:22 pm

Can’t everybody just lighten up, chill please?!LOL!!

What’s on tap for the weekend?

i'm swiss

April 22nd, 2010
12:23 pm

“You look so silly when you announce you’re leaving and then come back!”

Just like Celine Dion… :lol:

Professor

April 22nd, 2010
12:24 pm

…stepping back in.

Did I miss anything?