Reaction to the ‘Nightline’ debate on successful black women’s romantic woes
Sherri Shepard (left) and VH1 star Jacque Reid represented for the ladies on ABC ‘Nightlline: Face-Off” debate, ‘Why can't a successful black woman find a man?’, It was taped earlier this month (April 2010) in Decatur, Ga (ABC/Guy D'Alema)
I hoped you watched ABC’s Nightline last night! I always find it fascinating how much production goes into a piece that airs. Of course, they have to edit a great deal but I think they highlighted the key points of the discussion! The debate that aired last night hit on a couple of interesting points.
I recall Hill Harper saying that 95% of professional women want the top 5% of men who they see as their counterparts. I have my oh so brilliant Love Squad on deck to answer our own face-off questions:
Is it a misconception that Atlanta women are looking for highly educated, successful men? Or is there a grain of truth to this? Considering the many single professional black women I know and meet in the city, I honestly can not think of many that only date corporate/executive, pro ball players. What do you think?
Bren Herrera, 30, Atlanta. Education: Post-Graduate. Industry: Entertainment
“I’ve seen a plethora of women that seek that prototypical man–the baller, the pro player, the actor, singer, etc… I’ve had conversations with these “tangibly” driven women. Sherri underscored this point, from the other side when she mentioned the man at Home Depot whom didn’t call her back because she was on TV–he didn’t want to deal with the things he perceived come along with the entertainment personalities. As a woman, I feel her on that. At the end of the day, I’ll subscribe to the cliché: I just want a good man. A man that I can first trust at ALL times, not just when he’s behaving well. A man that extends himself, is open to learning new things and is willing to compromise. A man that goes to God for answers and not his single boys that can potentially lead him in the wrong direction (because we all know men are just as vulnerable as women are!)
Craig T. Taylor, 34. Sandy Springs, GA. Occupation: Founder and Editorial Director of Indakno.com, LLC.
Women should not be looking for a man. That is where they fail. Whosoever findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22. Just make yourself available as a woman and the right man will find you. Position is relative. I think women just generally want a “good man”. Loyal, honest, respectful, responsible, passionate, and loves God. What else can you ask for in a “good man”. If a man has these traits, it does not matter if he is making 25k or 125k. He will always be doing the BEST that he can and trying to do better. Any person that is looking for someone to match them equally is looking for a boring relationship and may as well be with themselves. It does not take two corporate executives to have a successful relationship. It takes two people who love, respect, and has an undeniable passion about each other to make it work.
Dr. Tartt responds to my Love Squad question: Do you believe there are special hurdles Atlanta professionals face in finding a partner?
Your turn to weigh in my insightful readers: Professional Atlanta singles certainly enjoy the good life, but have we lost sight of what is truly important like family, raising healthy children, and building good relationships?
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925 comments Add your comment
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA THE GOD OF WAR
April 22nd, 2010
10:25 am
Justine – But if you knew how to identify a real dude these DL dudes would stand out to you as soon as you see them or at least get to know them. Its just certain ish a real man aint gonna do..
i'm swiss
April 22nd, 2010
10:26 am
@ Melo — Yeah, it is interesting… Sad thing is, the solution to this whole problem was right there for the taking & it slipped right through all the beautiful, successful, black women’s fingers… they just needed to date me.
Professor
April 22nd, 2010
10:27 am
Now that Fred Savage was the best I thought he was cute too. Shoot I had a crush on Lex Luger the wrestler
Dan
April 22nd, 2010
10:27 am
@DK
Would you ride in a car with someone that’s never driven before?
Better yet, at 30+ if she doesn’t know how to drive wouldn’t you feel some kinda way about it?
My point is, unless you’re providing and protecting a young lady since 8, the world has already gotten to her and, at least, spanked that azz. Wanting to protect her is noble, and in time, most will let you. But you have to start from one – wherever that is for her.
Part of this is, people not living in reality. Yeah, I want “x,y, and z” but (s)he giving me “a,b,and c” let’s see if we can meet in the middle.
Simple Man!!!
April 22nd, 2010
10:27 am
AmazonRed™
April 22nd, 2010
10:08 am
Your guy is a very lucky man!!!!While I am sometimes fustrated by what seems to be a never ending cycle, I know that if I keep my head on strait and continue to be the best guy I can be, Ms. Right will find her way ahead of Ms. Righ-Now. But until then, there is this cute lady I see at the Dekalb Farmers Market every couple of weeks…
WM married to BF
April 22nd, 2010
10:27 am
Just wanted to weigh in on this subject. I’m a successful wm and I’ve dated black women for last 20 some years and we’ve been married now five years. My wife has said she was happy to find a good man, that race wasn’t an issue. I’m just happy I have a beautiful woman, who is a great mother to our kids!
jamaal knight
April 22nd, 2010
10:27 am
We do have a lot single women here in the Atlanta Georgia area, but most the women are too picky and gold diggers. I am single male with no kids, I have a good paying job and a college graduate. But majority of the women I met always asking for this and for that but dont put nothing into a relationship so I just keep on moving. I think that a lot women has be brainwashed by the way of society, a guy need to be this and need to have that etc.
Sassy Me..Sun Kissed :-)
April 22nd, 2010
10:28 am
I have also come to the conclusion that most women now a days werent raised to be wives they were raised to live out their Moms missed opportunites..
Dayum…really? Do you have daughters DK if so then what do you tell them. Better yet what type of woman do you want?….Do you want the hood rat or the woman who has it together…or is on her way to having it together. I think parents want their children to do better than they did…plain and simple. Are there some who live vicariously through their children?…sure but you’re painting that pic with a rather broad brush…but that is your opinion and you know what they say about those…right?
kimmie
April 22nd, 2010
10:28 am
Sassy – Read my 10:12 about the Shapeups! Yes, girl, worth every penny! And that is coming from someone who would have never paid over $25-30 for a pair of sneaks!
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA THE GOD OF WAR
April 22nd, 2010
10:30 am
Look this convo is way past Steve Harvey cause he cant possibly be the spokesperson for relationship.. Cause honestly to me.. He’s the biggest hypocrite of them all.. and if he’s the spokesperson.. We are doomed.. Hey of course Men need to step up and do their part.. But dont get a dude whos trying to start a foundation a chance and then dog him out for not workign and coming to live with you. You knew who this dude was off the dribble.. I believe in potential but people with potential work hard to accomplish their goals.. They actually have goals..
Lady J-Streaming Live Now-Cool, Calm & Collected! LOL
April 22nd, 2010
10:31 am
Thank you for being a friend,
Travelled down the road and back again.
Your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confident.
And if you threw a party-,
Invited everyone you knew-,
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say,
Thank you for being a friend-.
LOVE IT LADIES!!!!!!!! That was a great show!!!!! That Betty White buddy!!!!!
PrincessNik
April 22nd, 2010
10:31 am
Kym yes that is it LOL
I used to be in love with Fred Savage also, my sister used to swear i looked like winnie (i think that was her name)
fergie
April 22nd, 2010
10:33 am
If we could just learn to love and appreciate ourselves and thank God for what we do have – family, friends, work – whatever, we might not feel so alone and left out because we don’t have a man. Yes, we all want a good man in our lives, but if you don’t have one and can’t see to find one; lets not blame ourselves or anyone else. Lets just be thankful for what we do have.
Professor
April 22nd, 2010
10:33 am
ok, Princess, Kym and Lady J…this was one of my favs
Welcome back,
Your dreams were your ticket out.
Welcome back,
To that same old place that you laughed about.
Well the names have all changed since you hung around,
But those dreams have remained and they’re turned around.
Who’d have thought they’d lead ya (Who’d have thought they’d lead ya)
Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)
Yeah we tease him a lot cause we’ve hot him on the spot, welcome back,
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA THE GOD OF WAR
April 22nd, 2010
10:34 am
Dan – You know what.. The world might have beat her before she got to me but once shes on my watch it wont beat her anymore.. Its up to her whether or not she can play her position.. See you missed the point.. The fighter is only as good as his cut man.. They are a team.. Its them against the world.. If I dont have somebody giving me water and put vaseline on me then I wont be able to fight long..
Carlito
April 22nd, 2010
10:34 am
The link on the ajc home page reads. “Black Women’s Woes”.
http://www.ajc.com/
I have not read one blog entry on topic yet, is it like yesterday’s conversation. I will say this,
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3288/2961175776_b341ca0fc5.jpg
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA THE GOD OF WAR
April 22nd, 2010
10:35 am
Sassy – How many times have your mom told you “You dont need a man for ish”
Christopher
April 22nd, 2010
10:35 am
Everyone ignores the most basic issue at hand. Jacque made a salient comment about the disparity between the pools of available successful black men and available successful black women. She cited prison rates, homosexuality (which I wish she hadn’t), and the lack of black male college graduates as reasons why there are so few successful black men. What you’re left with is a statistical inequity that is nearly insurmountable. Simply put, this isn’t a race issue. If any race of people were facing these same conditions, they would have the same outcome.
Bottom line: Until you decrease the disparity between the pool of successful, available men and women, this problem will exist. Given the proper conditions, this problem is self correcting.
More time should be spent determining the best way to produce more successful black males than discussing why Sherri can’t get a man.
Melo
April 22nd, 2010
10:35 am
Just judging by the lengths of the posts,yeah we really have a problem on this issue.
The (new)Ladies are really opening up their chests today,letting it out!
Maybe after today,some of that anger will dissipate a lil bit,hopefully increasing their dates in the process!
Carlito
April 22nd, 2010
10:36 am
Enjoy my photo.
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3288/2961175776_b341ca0fc5.jpg
i'm swiss
April 22nd, 2010
10:36 am
“If I dont have somebody giving me water and put vaseline on me…”
Funny… Mrs. Swiss & I had that exact same conversation last night…
BeBe KID
April 22nd, 2010
10:36 am
There are large number of successful black professional married couples in the ATL but there is also a large number of single black professionals who have a cynical attitude about relationships and marriage. Unfortunately many of the cynical people have made poor selections in the past and levy a sweeping indictment on all black men or all black women out of frustration. If you selected people for superficial reasons that you felt were important when they were not and based your relationships on sex, money, what kind of car they have or any other criteria lacking substance you have no one to blame but yourself. If the superficial is important to you then seek it out but don’t levy a sweeping indictment of a whole group when your selection process is flawed and does not reflect what you really want. You cannot consider a materialistic sex driven black male or female with no integrity who is full of game ideally suited for a long term committed relationship like marriage. Don’t hate the “PLAYAS” hate the game. If the game appeals to you be honest enough with yourself and pursue it realizing sometimes you will get and sometimes you will get got. If you want substance then eliminate the flaws in your selection process and focuns on who is trully ideally suited for you in the long term. First, you must know substance and unfortunately many black women and black men have no clue and are just simply lost leading to toxic relationships and much confusion.
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA THE GOD OF WAR
April 22nd, 2010
10:36 am
See the problem is we think we dont need each other but we do. We need each other to be a family unit.. We have been brainwashed to think the higher we go up the ladder the better off we’ll be but at what expense.. Is your family worth it?
Sassy Me..Sun Kissed :-)
April 22nd, 2010
10:38 am
Kimmie I’m going to get a pair today when I leave work…you convinced me.
See now y’all done brought up the Golden Girls…I loved that show. I’ve watched it from the first episode to the very last and will watch it now if I saw it on tv…..picture it Sicily 1943…
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA THE GOD OF WAR
April 22nd, 2010
10:39 am
The problem is people are equating being successful with a job and money.. You are successful if you do XYZ.. It doesnt really matter if you love me or not.. We look good on paper..
Kym--Happy Earth Day!!
April 22nd, 2010
10:39 am
I use to know the words to All in the Family and Maude…you know when I was little..I watched Maude every night.(loved Bea Arthur) wait a min..wait just a women’s lib..Gloria Steimen min..maybe..thats what did it..maybe this is all Maude’s fault..I mean…the lyrics to song could be the very reason I wanted to be a successful black woman..
Lady Godiva was a freedom rider,
she didn’t care if the whole world looked.
Joan of Arc, with the lord to guide her,
she was a sister who really cooked.
Isadora was the first bra burner
Aint’ ya glad she showed up?
And when the country was falling apart
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up
And then there’s Maude
And then there’s Maude
And then there’s Maude
And then there’s Maude
And then there’s Maude
And then there’s Maude
And then there’s that old compromisin, enterprisin’ anything but traqulizin’ Right on Maude!!!
Yep that’s it I am blaming the old white lady for all my problems..Curse you Maude..Curse you……
Luvbug
April 22nd, 2010
10:41 am
Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Kym--Happy Earth Day!!
April 22nd, 2010
10:41 am
Welcome Back Kotter!!! I LOVE YOU JOHN TRAVOLTA!!! AND FRED BOOM BOOM WASHINGTON..now fainting….
TiffTaff
April 22nd, 2010
10:42 am
@ Sassy Me..Sun Kissed
Wait, don’t forget the… “well back in St Olaf…”
Lady J-Streaming Live Now-Cool, Calm & Collected! LOL
April 22nd, 2010
10:43 am
My girlfriend that attended the forum said Jacque is somewhat becoming bitter over her last break up and won’t even entertain anyone new because of the hurt and anguish……which is very bias to me to give sound advice…again I haven’t watched, brought, or entertain this subject just though I would share….I wanted to say it yesterday but it never came out……don’t shoot the messenger and again I don’t know what her past relationship was like…..my response to my girlfriend was WOW…..and the beat goes! LOL
anonymousella
April 22nd, 2010
10:43 am
@DSP said: “People who are educated do not use terms like “degreed up”.”
except when they do, as i did in my comment. some of us educated folks be code-switchin when we conversate. (see what i did there?)
simple man: you’re a 40+, divorced father of 2. you, sir, have baggage that few single, child-free women of any age would be able to overlook. that’s not to say you’re not a good man. that’s to say you got some stuff in your life that adds some, uh, “complexity” to a relationship or dating scenario. think about it this way: if a person has reached your age with no crotch fruit to show for it, it’s probably because they are ambivalent about kids. an instafamily gets an automatic thumbs down.
a few folks called it: why is single, successful hill harper not married? i’m sure his reasons have a lot to do with career and such. but why is his singleness not viewed as problem worth of handwringing and not one, but two “nightline” segments. 40-whatever% of black women aren’t married, but it’s not like 90% of black men are. why is that?
(i’d guess the regular sexism and rigid gender roles as expressed by black men here are a problem for black women who, out of economic necessity, don’t fit that role. you can’t want a homemaker if you can’t be a breadwinner, nah mean? and historically, that hasn’t been the dynamic for most black marriages.)
abc
April 22nd, 2010
10:43 am
I didn’t watch the show, but I would discount input from the panelists, as I seriously doubt they’re very representative of real people. Plus, they all about ugly as hayell, their challenges in finding a mate go beyond their education and income. They’re just bad looking, self-absorbed, nasty personalities. Ugh.
If you consider professional ball players to be a better catch, I say you’re after the dough and notoriety. Pro athletes? Come on! Nice, normal people are busting 6 figures all over town, you don’t have to be a so-called ‘professional’, you just have to be competent and in a decent field.
AmazonRed™
April 22nd, 2010
10:44 am
SimpleMan –
Your guy is a very lucky man!!!!
Why thank you. I think he is too.
But honestly, he makes it easy because he’s really not trying to be in the streets (though he does spend time with his boys) he’s just trying to build a legacy. How can I hate on that?
While I am sometimes fustrated by what seems to be a never ending cycle, I know that if I keep my head on strait and continue to be the best guy I can be, Ms. Right will find her way ahead of Ms. Righ-Now. But until then, there is this cute lady I see at the Dekalb Farmers Market every couple of weeks…
Question for you, do you date divorced mothers with kids? I would think they’d understand what you’re going thru and work with you. Though I’m sure it’d be hard to sync your busy schedules up.
SexyCool
April 22nd, 2010
10:44 am
Do you know a hs senior heading off to college to pursue a communications degree?
Go to ryancameron.org click on grants for details and app process.
$$ for all 4 yrs!
Sassy Me..Sun Kissed :-)
April 22nd, 2010
10:44 am
How many times have your mom told you “You dont need a man for ish”
My mother tought my brothers and I to be good people,to go to college and to be independent, she never said to either my sister or myself that we didn’t need a man. She’s always led us not by talk alone, but by action so for her to tell us something like that would be hypocritical,seeing as she’s currently married….for a second time,mind you. It wasn’t a need but a want and who are we to argue that.
Lady J-Streaming Live Now-Cool, Calm & Collected! LOL
April 22nd, 2010
10:44 am
Moving on up to the EAST side!!!!!!!! The Jefferson’s are my all time favorites I have the DVD collection…..I often want to be Weezy!!!!!!! LOL!
Dan
April 22nd, 2010
10:44 am
@DK
I didn’t miss the point, in fact, I conceded it to begin with.
The point is, if you want her to be your cut man, you have to show her: a) how to do the job, b)that you can in fact, fight (for her and you) and fight well, and c) let the rest happen.
I dig that I’m preaching to the choir, but for those in the audience:
Do you.
Know you, do you, and let those that will, be with you.
PrincessNik
April 22nd, 2010
10:45 am
@DK
I know you said Sassy, but
How many times have your mom told you “You dont need a man for ish”
my mom has never told me this and looks at me sideways if i imply any such thing. Now when i almost got married my dad did say, you don’t have to marry him.
Melo
April 22nd, 2010
10:45 am
lets not blame ourselves or anyone else. Lets just be thankful for what we do have.
@fergie??
I agree with u lady. All this cussing and fussing and crying is annoying. Pple think that having a man is all that.Its not!
They forget that Insurrection needs ur business too!
Sassy Me..Sun Kissed :-)
April 22nd, 2010
10:47 am
Wait, don’t forget the… “well back in St Olaf…”
I know right?! That’s when everybody would suddenly have something else to do…..sometimes all I could do was listen to her story,laugh and think bless your heart.
Foreigner
April 22nd, 2010
10:47 am
I had my share in dating degreed black chicks, and from my experience I would say the expect you to make a minimum which is usually 50% to 100% more than what they are making, beacuse” I deserve it, else I would just be single”. But I can safely say, if you not happy with yourself without the money, you not gona be happy when he shows up with it. They are a lot of guys these chicks can share a life with and really enjoy life, but they choose to sit and wait, all alone. These guys with money (like me) think you just after the money since it is such a priority. So I settled down with a nice country latino chick, she don’t care about my credit cards and bank card to go shoppin at the mall. She just like enjoying life and sharing it with me, and that no money or benz could replace.
PrincessNik
April 22nd, 2010
10:47 am
Carlito
that was the look i had this am before anyone had even posted!
Lady J-Streaming Live Now-Cool, Calm & Collected! LOL
April 22nd, 2010
10:47 am
random my summer concert line up dates all include female group dates…..while that is cool and it is important to embrace healthy female partnerships I am left wondering why have some men have checked out with concert type dates???? Outdoor and Live entertainment rocks!!!!!!! My day is coming huh to experience such!!!!! Dating is funny! LOL
Sassy Me..Sun Kissed :-)
April 22nd, 2010
10:48 am
my mom has never told me this and looks at me sideways if i imply any such thing.
That’s what’s up Princess.
New to this
April 22nd, 2010
10:49 am
I am in total agreement with “Newbie”. As a white women, married to the same man for 28 years, it takes alot of give and take on both sides. We were not the “socially compatible” people when we met, he is college educated and I am a HS graduate. Most relationships take patience, devotion, and trust. He is my best friend! I see in so many of my black girl friends their need to go out an party because their man is partying! The easiest way to be “picked up” or “hit on” even when you are not looking for that, is to wear a wedding band. It seems to attract men! Ladies, their are a lot of great men out their to be had, just be yourself.
Carlito
April 22nd, 2010
10:49 am
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3288/2961175776_b341ca0fc5.jpg
Lady J, How are you
Did you all know that on the home page it reads Dating:”Black Women’s Woes”?
And I would like to comment on this as well, people can saw “white dude”, or “white this, white that” or whatever race as an adjective. And this is being said from someone who is not the race of which they are speaking on. But when it’s the other way around, if someone says black guy or black this, it is wrong.
(topic change, maybe…LOL)
Lynn
April 22nd, 2010
10:49 am
Good Morning Ladies
First I want to address Hotlanta- how are you today? Great I hope. Racist means one group or collective institution dominating another through politics, power and/or money. So no the show does not fit into this catagory. There have been plenty of shows targeting certain populations in the US.
Second, this topic is important. It dispelled alot of myths about Education and those educated in the Black Community. Most of society still thinks Black women are either: On welfare with 6 kids, Gold Diggers etc. So this was a good display of educated Sistas.
However, this show didnt go indepth enough for the topic. You all are right, Steve Harvey is not the Guru, however he has a voice in Hollywood so he chooses to use as he pleases. This topic should have been highlighted in the CNN series Black in America with atleast 2 segments dedicated to this.
Carlito
April 22nd, 2010
10:50 am
saw means say
Kym--Happy Earth Day!!
April 22nd, 2010
10:50 am
Lady J/Professor/Princess..I will now do one of my most amazing TV facts trivia feats..I will attempt to link..Maude, the Jeffersons, All in the Family and Good Times..ready…here we go..
Maude’s maid was Flordia Evans from(Good Times)
Maude’s cousin was Edith Bunker(All in the Family)
George Jefferson was the Bunker’s neighbor on All in the Family.
Carlito
April 22nd, 2010
10:52 am
Lynn, Racism:
rac·ism [rey-siz-uhm]
–noun
1.
a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one’s own race is superior and has the right to rule others.
2.
a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.
3.
hatred or intolerance of another race or other races