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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

‘Nightline’ looks at successful black women’s relationship struggles

Photo: ABC/Guy D'Alema

See tonight's show, then discuss it on my follow-up blog Thursday morning. (ABC/Guy D'Alema)

You will definitely want to watch, record, or hold a viewing party for “Nightline Face-Off” on ABC, airing tonight at 11:35 p.m.  The hot topic on the debate table was why successful black women can’t get a man. Not only was the debate taped locally in Decatur earlier this month, yours truly was there to witness it all!  That’s right, people, the relationship revolution will be televised…tonight on ABC!

The debate moderators included author and radio host Steve Harvey and Nightline’s Vicki Mabrey.  The lively and decidedly entertaining panelists included CSI star, Hill Harper, journalist/VH1 star Jacque Reid, Comedian and ‘The View’ panelist Sherri Shepherd and author Jimi Izrael. Atlanta’s own Dr. Tartt (and Misadventures in Atlanta guest blogger!) was featured as an audience guest panelist as well, as was soon to be published author, Helena Andrews. Andrews is the author of an upcoming memoir that will include stories about her “crazy dating trials and triumphs in Washington, D.C.

As I sat in the audience, I found the dialogue to be honest and intense at times. Thankfully, there was also a great deal of laughter and fun.  I actually came away with, dare I say, more hope?  I was happy this town hall debate afforded me a chance to recruit a new Love Squad panel. I pitched them a couple of questions that came to mind from the face-off.  Let’s meet them and hear what they had to say!

What are the hurdles professional black women face when fishing in a relatively small dating pond? Do you think these hurdles are more difficult in Atlanta or easier to overcome?

Bren Herrera, 30, Atlanta. Education:  Post-Graduate.  Industry: Entertainment

I could totally relate to Bren: “Discerning a man’s intent and genuine interest has been a problem.  I attribute that to having entirely too many options and ultimately, a lack of preparedness to settle down. Coming from DC, where the ratio of black men to black women isn’t half as bad as it is in Atlanta, dating here seems much more obscure and a ‘game’ of sorts. There are so many women here, men have taken the liberty in being dishonest, driven by their ulterior motives or just immaturity.

Kenneth 35, Atlanta. Education: Currently in graduate school.  Occupation: Consultant, Minister, Relationship Coach.

Kenneth believes that the many hurdles successful black women face are complex. They include:  media influence; misconception that men are intimidated by them;  a misunderstanding of their relationship value. He mused, “Professional black women may encounter greater distractions in Atlanta than other cities, but this can be attributed to the social competition and materialism that exists.

Allen, 27, Lilburn. Education: College Degree.  Occupation: Business Analyst

When I think about the topic of dating/marriage in the educated black community, I just wonder if we can ever go back to our traditional roles.  A lot of my friends and I want a woman that has aspirations to be a good homemaker as well as a career woman. We also don’t think that the educated successful women enjoy being in a submissive role.

I think our love squad raised some wonderful points! Some things I hadn’t though about. Do you agree or disagree with them? How would you answer the panel questions?

Rodney Ho, Sherri Shepherd discuss her ‘Nightline’ experience in his Radio & TV Talk blog

559 comments Add your comment

Chris

April 21st, 2010
12:56 pm

Also, because my mom cooked everyday good meals she never had to wonder where her man was or what he was doing. He was home as we all were at the same time everyday sitting there. He would always give her compliments to her on dinner in front of us. We had many “the best dinners ever”. It was never a discussion about who was cooking or if it would be there. It always was.

If mom asked dad to take over a small nation for her he would. Alot of women wonder about the lack of romance and chivalry but what are doing to be different and shown you’re worth it? telling a man what you won’t do gets you little, making him a sandwich and other things gets you lots.

Some of y’all got your dude so busy with housework he doesn’t have time to sit and think of that bug idea, work on his business plan and dreams and y’all wonder why he may be mediocre. Alot of times the support position is highly important but y’all won’t even do that. If dr. Seuss and Charles schultz, Billy Graham and other men were so busy doing other stuff with kids and house werk they probably wouldn’t have been able to be the men they were. Folk need to drop the pride and get to helping and loving much more. Women want to be there for the harvest but not help with the planting. Brothers could use the support.

And of course the women are being put up and moved up cause they can have sex with y’all. You have to think big picture sometimes. It’s not always what you think.

Melo

April 21st, 2010
12:56 pm

do the “shake n’ bake” homemade pies, good cooking from scratch etc

@Prof??

u dont have to cook the gourmet type of meal every day but u can cook sme,quick and dirty for ur man in 45 minutes,trust me on that.

I need u to work on that. U dont do home made pies etc and baking every day…seriously. Dont approach marriage with a negative mentality coz if u do,that spells doom for u.

The same way u plan at work is the same way u plan ur meals at home.

Assuming ur marriage is that important ofcourse!

Chris

April 21st, 2010
12:59 pm

Being from the country I went home last year and helped my mom plant a garden of veggies. Tilled it and stuff and dug a trench for rainwater.

kimmie

April 21st, 2010
12:59 pm

Chris

Cry me a river.

Lady J-Free as a bird......

April 21st, 2010
1:00 pm

Carlito

April 21st, 2010
1:01 pm

Swiss, it is our Wednesday uniform :) .

Lady J, thank you and you are very correct :)

BlackMagicWoman, are you in the same store as Swiss and I?

lurker

April 21st, 2010
1:01 pm

Chris, your parents didn’t invent love life and beautifully relating. Many of us here can attest to growning up in the same surroundings. Your post really ain’t shed too much light on the dilemna of today.

Alot if ya’ll women act like y’all digging ditches 8 hours a day. If you love someone you should want to take care of them
in some way<—— this wreaks of some dude wanting a working slave

and if ain't married, then, ummm 8 hours of work, then home to cleaning and cooking, all done by you……..ummm rightfully so.

For Real

April 21st, 2010
1:01 pm

Mo (aka Moeisha )

April 21st, 2010
1:02 pm

Im with you Swiss, waiting on the answer to that!

Lady J – co-signing taht 12:53

Professor – have some wings chica! And I hear you on the Publix dinner, not everyday but i will do it. its all about a compromise people that is what it boils down too. like someone else stated, get someone that works for you.

Chris – I too loved having a hubby and a kid and loved doing for them BUT I wouldnt be human if I said that it didnt wear me out sometimes. No woman would be truthful if she said she didnt tired sometimes….c’mon now

lurker

April 21st, 2010
1:03 pm

Chris

Cry me a river.

I know right…lol He’s preaching to the choir. We know all about love, life and happy relations….a lot of us was reared and can attest. The pendulum always sings both ways. If you can find somewhere, anywhere where a woman has fallen off in her duties of being “woman”, there’s a man somewhere around or nearby with the same issues….of falling off. I don’t think that’s the case though

sexycool

April 21st, 2010
1:04 pm

I am from the country. And I too have tilled a garden.

Not really making a discussion related point though. LOL!

Lady J-Free as a bird......

April 21st, 2010
1:04 pm

for real huh what dude??? what did I say or not say or type incorrectly????

Sassy Me..Sun Kissed :-)

April 21st, 2010
1:05 pm

Okay Kimmie…there are alot of men who want to marry thier mothers and maybe this guy is one of them. Good luck..seriously.

Professor...

April 21st, 2010
1:07 pm

If dr. Seuss and Charles schultz, Billy Graham and other men were so busy doing other stuff with kids and house werk they probably wouldn’t have been able to be the men they were.

Likewise for successful women. Please let me know if you need a list of names. Chris you never answered my question either about does it make a man lazy seeking out a woman to do something that he can do for himself.

@Melo I will think about it if I get married or better yet have the talk with him before marriage. I know you are looking out for us single women and you want us happily married when that day come, so I will make sure I remember your advice. BTW, do you think it will work if I boil some water and make some tea and stuff in the kitchen and play like I am cooking and hide the Publix bags? :grin:

Lady J-Free as a bird......

April 21st, 2010
1:08 pm

sexycool why am I going to plant a garden and my child wants to plants flowers…..I want some fresh tomatoes!!!!! WOOHOO! can’t wait! I think it will be soothing to my soul….lol

Chris

April 21st, 2010
1:08 pm

@ I’m swis, yup I’m suggesting it. I’ve seen many women that did it. The home I grew up in, aunts homes and other extended family and friends. Folk complain too much these days about doing stuff for someone. If I’m seeing someone and she’s complaining about doing stuff for me then that tells me she doesn’t really care right there. Doing something for someone you love shouldn’t be a chore. I don’t mind buying flowers, candy, cooking for my girl, using my man skills to fix something for her cause you’re supposed to be nice and sweet to the ladies. Not a chore.

Lady J-Free as a bird......

April 21st, 2010
1:08 pm

Kym--Didn't realize my life was that bad..Thank you Steve Harvey!

April 21st, 2010
1:08 pm

Mary M. Bethune..founded a college school..worked with a President and a First Lady and has a slamming recipe for a Sweet potato pie..as found in the Council for Negro Women cookbook..so Chris..I fail to see your point.

Mo (aka Moeisha )

April 21st, 2010
1:09 pm

Sassy – LMAO!! Go ‘head chica!! That is funny as hell!

SCool – LOL @ the 1:04

Kym--Didn't realize my life was that bad..Thank you Steve Harvey!

April 21st, 2010
1:11 pm

@Swiss..you know you wayyyy behind…Mrs. Swiss should have been barefoot and preggie..months ago..you not trying hard enough..joker!!!LMAO!! Classic..

Melo

April 21st, 2010
1:12 pm

using my man skills to fix something for her cause you’re supposed to be nice and sweet to the ladies. Not a chore.

@Chris!!

boy u grew up right!!

For Real

April 21st, 2010
1:12 pm

Kimmie: You are projecting and tring to work around the fact that I’m right about your choice of words. I bet your man says the samething. Hell all men say the samething about their women. Men have to distinguish between what women SAY and what the MENT TO SAY.

Kimmie: Smokie, Smokie, I had a hard day at work and I don’t know what to do about it.

Lester (aka Smokie, Smokie): What happened Pretty Brown Round?

Kimmie: Well Smokie… why did your momma name you Lester?

Lester: Huh?

Kimmie: Are you gon listen or what?

Lester: Huh.. but..

Kimmie: Smokie, Smokie, come on now I listen to you when you complain about not getting enough flour to batter your drumsticks.

Lester: What? I was try….

Kimmie: Fine Smokie, Smokie if you don’t want to listen I’ll call my sister Limmie!

Lady J-Free as a bird......

April 21st, 2010
1:14 pm

i love live entertainment!!!!! MIA Blog ROCKS!!!!!! LOL!

i'm swiss

April 21st, 2010
1:14 pm

“Doing something for someone you love shouldn’t be a chore”

@ Chris — Very true, but that works both ways. Shouldn’t you also want to do things for her to make her life easier? Maybe you don’t do the same chores — maybe she does the dishes & you do the yard work, etc. — but if you both work & you both share the responsibility of paying the bills, shouldn’t you both share the responsibilities around the house? You’re not really saying she should do everything around the house after you both get home from work, while you just kick back & chillax, right?

Professor...

April 21st, 2010
1:15 pm

Look at Chris all big and strong growing the food so wifey can pull out that can of lard, put on her plaid dress, pearl earrings and little two inch pumps and red apron and cook it up for him. Next she will sit the pies on the windowsill and put on her rouge as he comes in from a long day of work. She will greet him with a curtsey and a kiss and pour him a gin & tonic and listen to his day. Next she will change into her playboy bunny outfit and make love to him like a porn star all while working and paying bills. :grin:

Now, Chris is awaken from his dream and realize he is just blogging ish for the hell of it

….stepping out for lernch

sexycool

April 21st, 2010
1:15 pm

So…I’m supposed to work all day, then come home, cook, clean, vacuum, do the laundry, bathe the baby, suck the dizzle, not complain all while you sit around and daydream…er, um…I meant, plan?

Seriously?!?

You on that ooo-wee, aintcha?

anonymousella

April 21st, 2010
1:15 pm

here’s what i don’t get: the panelists. the panelists consist of

1. a thrice-married man with no psychological training to speak of or expertise beyond writing a book of anecdotal advice.

2. a divorcee who proves she’s kind of a twit on a regular basis.

3. a thrice dumped man who wrote a book expressing why he is mad that women want a charismatic, intelligent, discreet man (i mean when do you hear dirt about denzel?). see sister toldja’s breakdown of jimi please.

4. a never married man whose claim is, again, writing a book.

5. a single woman.

to tell black woman why we can’t find a man. um, what?

Melo

April 21st, 2010
1:15 pm

BTW, do you think it will work if I boil some water and make some tea and stuff in the kitchen

@Proff!!

Actually, when i get home,my Queen asks me every day, with out fail if i may want some tea!

It only takes less that 2 mins to boil that water in an electric kettle and meanwhile,the dinner is getting ready!

And she comes and sits beside me on the couch as we watch Chris Mathews and we discuss the day gone by!

Im a lucky guy!

Mo (aka Moeisha )

April 21st, 2010
1:17 pm

I love this blog!!! LMAO!!!

thanks Swiss & SCool cause im like “WTF” @ Chris…..

Raqi

April 21st, 2010
1:18 pm

LOL SexyCool. Ain’t nothing in this life free.

If you are expecting the good, good you better be coming with the better, better.

Carlito

April 21st, 2010
1:20 pm

My parents are farmers, everyone carries their own weight. They see each other every day, the farm is the sole cash provider for their household. My mom will drive a tractor, if need be and she works the livestock and fields just like all of us did. My dad was the one who would load to go to auction or slaughter houses. She will take off early afternoon to have chow ready everyday for us all. They love to go to Las Vegas to gamble together, their cruises and back home to the motherland. They worked together for a common goal, each other and us kids. They had their issues, but never did it escalate into something to serious where they divorced. The simple country life is great sometimes. If I ever get married and heaven forbid, have kids it is back to the farm life for me.

Raqi

April 21st, 2010
1:20 pm

Shouldn’t you also want to do things for her to make her life easier?

Gouda, I couldn’t have expressed it better.

kimmie

April 21st, 2010
1:20 pm

For Real – Lol!! Okay, projecting, okay whatever you say, whatever makes you feel real & important!LOL!!

Cry me a river

Swing low, sweet cha-ri-ot!!!

Kym--Didn't realize my life was that bad..Thank you Steve Harvey!

April 21st, 2010
1:20 pm

@Professor..you know that happy homemaker character you described is one of the personalities of this woman on showtime’s The United States of Tara. LMAO!!!

For Real

April 21st, 2010
1:21 pm

“If you are expecting the good, good you better be coming with the better, better.” – Dayum, I guess it ain’t equal either. I have come with better just to get good. Something about that ain’t right.

Lady J-Free as a bird......

April 21st, 2010
1:23 pm

Carlito and sexycool and that professor I am in tears!!!!! LMAO silly!!!!!

kimmie

April 21st, 2010
1:23 pm

This ain’t no farm.

Imma citified woman

For Real (Hold My Mule)

April 21st, 2010
1:23 pm

Kimmie: “Swing low, sweet cha-ri-ot!!!” – Naw I’m more like Shoutin John, Hold my mule!

Carlito

April 21st, 2010
1:24 pm

Raqi, I thought you called me Gouda? LOL

sexycool

April 21st, 2010
1:24 pm

Goodgood/betterbetter – no problem. But this one sided crock of entitlement nonsense that dude is talking makes no sense.

And this is coming from one who has no problem *catering* to her man. But with the understanding that reciprocity is involved.

kimmie

April 21st, 2010
1:26 pm

For Real – The spiritual was for the folk talking about their farmwork & such!LOL!!

Put that mule away & get a Jaguar!

Carlito

April 21st, 2010
1:27 pm

kimmie, I see you :)

Kym--Didn't realize my life was that bad..Thank you Steve Harvey!

April 21st, 2010
1:29 pm

“I can bring home the bacon..Fry it up in a pan..and never let him forget he is my man..cause I’m a workin woman..” W-O-R-K-IN”

kimmie

April 21st, 2010
1:30 pm

Carlito – That was really for other folks, tilling & stuff. I know about you already!LOL!!

Carlito

April 21st, 2010
1:31 pm

Iranian cleric blames quakes on promiscuous women.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/8631775.stm

Mo (aka Moeisha )

April 21st, 2010
1:32 pm

Oh this is hilarious!!

Kym – why did I get a visual of Whitley on A Diff’rent World when she sang that song in your 1:29! LMAO!

i'm swiss

April 21st, 2010
1:32 pm

@ Carlito — Nah, bro… “gouda” is one of my blog nicknames. Though, actually, the moniker “swiss” had nothing to do with cheese, nor being a whiteboy, but I digress… :lol:

I will also answer to: “token,” “Mayor McCheese,” “white chocolate” and “fat weasel.”

Now back to your regularly scheduled blogging.

Dig That

April 21st, 2010
1:32 pm

What up peeps? We have had this topic a million times and it really trips me out because relationships are really not that hard. WE complicate the heck out of the most simple things. Good people are finding each other and finding happiness. Misery loves company and they find each other too. For the single ladies I can only suggest that you truly evaluate yourselves before you begin to trying to find a mate. Make good choices.
Oh yea BTW some people are supposed to be single. And most times people are single for good reason. And for those silly ones that love to blame the misery on the dating pool over and over. It’s nothing wrong with the dating scene, might be something wrong with yo a$$.

Luvbug

April 21st, 2010
1:33 pm

skimming and sneaking in…

Chris – No disrespect, but most women marry (and/or continue to stay married) into better emotional or financial conditions. I am curious to know what her premarriage life was like. Care to share?

Raqi

April 21st, 2010
1:35 pm

But with the understanding that reciprocity is involved.

SexyCool, imma just high five ya and keep silent. LOL