‘Nightline’ looks at successful black women’s relationship struggles
See tonight's show, then discuss it on my follow-up blog Thursday morning. (ABC/Guy D'Alema)
You will definitely want to watch, record, or hold a viewing party for “Nightline Face-Off” on ABC, airing tonight at 11:35 p.m. The hot topic on the debate table was why successful black women can’t get a man. Not only was the debate taped locally in Decatur earlier this month, yours truly was there to witness it all! That’s right, people, the relationship revolution will be televised…tonight on ABC!
The debate moderators included author and radio host Steve Harvey and Nightline’s Vicki Mabrey. The lively and decidedly entertaining panelists included CSI star, Hill Harper, journalist/VH1 star Jacque Reid, Comedian and ‘The View’ panelist Sherri Shepherd and author Jimi Izrael. Atlanta’s own Dr. Tartt (and Misadventures in Atlanta guest blogger!) was featured as an audience guest panelist as well, as was soon to be published author, Helena Andrews. Andrews is the author of an upcoming memoir that will include stories about her “crazy dating trials and triumphs in Washington, D.C.
As I sat in the audience, I found the dialogue to be honest and intense at times. Thankfully, there was also a great deal of laughter and fun. I actually came away with, dare I say, more hope? I was happy this town hall debate afforded me a chance to recruit a new Love Squad panel. I pitched them a couple of questions that came to mind from the face-off. Let’s meet them and hear what they had to say!
What are the hurdles professional black women face when fishing in a relatively small dating pond? Do you think these hurdles are more difficult in Atlanta or easier to overcome?
Bren Herrera, 30, Atlanta. Education: Post-Graduate. Industry: Entertainment
I could totally relate to Bren: “Discerning a man’s intent and genuine interest has been a problem. I attribute that to having entirely too many options and ultimately, a lack of preparedness to settle down. Coming from DC, where the ratio of black men to black women isn’t half as bad as it is in Atlanta, dating here seems much more obscure and a ‘game’ of sorts. There are so many women here, men have taken the liberty in being dishonest, driven by their ulterior motives or just immaturity.
Kenneth 35, Atlanta. Education: Currently in graduate school. Occupation: Consultant, Minister, Relationship Coach.
Kenneth believes that the many hurdles successful black women face are complex. They include: media influence; misconception that men are intimidated by them; a misunderstanding of their relationship value. He mused, “Professional black women may encounter greater distractions in Atlanta than other cities, but this can be attributed to the social competition and materialism that exists.
Allen, 27, Lilburn. Education: College Degree. Occupation: Business Analyst
When I think about the topic of dating/marriage in the educated black community, I just wonder if we can ever go back to our traditional roles. A lot of my friends and I want a woman that has aspirations to be a good homemaker as well as a career woman. We also don’t think that the educated successful women enjoy being in a submissive role.
I think our love squad raised some wonderful points! Some things I hadn’t though about. Do you agree or disagree with them? How would you answer the panel questions?
Rodney Ho, Sherri Shepherd discuss her ‘Nightline’ experience in his Radio & TV Talk blog
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559 comments Add your comment
Professor...
April 21st, 2010
10:04 am
@Princess you know you have a seat at the table don’t be alarm if you smell chicken that is Mo sneaking some lemon pepper wings in. We are going to munch on those instead of ordering an appetizer
@lurker I agree with that 9:51
@swiss you raise a good point about getting down to the numbers.
@abc I hate I missed your stats. I wanted to know more about how should the culture deal with them in a real way???
Professor...
April 21st, 2010
10:08 am
abc as you know there are lies, damn lies and statics. When you truly look at the numbers white america is in the same boat or maybe on a bigger ship do to the larger numbers, however this information is not reported.
Teen mothers is not an AA thing, you can watch Pregnant at 16 and know that
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
April 21st, 2010
10:08 am
For Real…I am saying that perception forms reality. Look at Hitler…tell a lie long enough and people begin to embrace that lie. I am also saying that “perception” does not have to be your reality…unless you let it. Not saying it is your reality, I am saying that if enough Paris Hiltons, Lindsay Lohans, and Brittany Spears keep getting the publicity, then young ladies begin to actually believe that is reality. Think about it, is there anything more “unrealistic” than a “reality show”. Media have that kind of power to perpetrate myths. Listen to what is inside of you, not the media and things will get better.
PrincessNik
April 21st, 2010
10:08 am
Professor
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
April 21st, 2010
10:10 am
Prof…the sad thing is that pregnancy is preventable, whether black or white (or pink, purple, or chartreuse)…all the numbers are too high.
abc
April 21st, 2010
10:13 am
Professor, that’s just not true, sorry. I’ll take your comment on a (stupid, retarded) reality show (intended for an audience of morons) to be a stab at humor!
Now, there’s going to be a new reality show featuring the chicks that Tiger and Jesse James cheated with, all about how to be a skank ho, apparently. Maybe they can get the Pregnant at 16 alumni to participate in that. TV for morons, tellin ya.
Professor...
April 21st, 2010
10:14 am
@Randyt-I agree.
Kym--Didn't realize my life was that bad..Thank you Steve Harvey!
April 21st, 2010
10:15 am
Good Morning All,
Whateva Professor said on this topic including her list I agree with. I mean Christmas Crackers and Christ!!!!!..why why why..do I have such problems as a black woman? Lord it’s a wonder Black women are not jumping out of windows at record rates..consider all the “problems” we have. Sigh…pass me a mimosa..
DreamsMaterialize
April 21st, 2010
10:16 am
I’m not quoting the stats again in here, but until the culture faces them in a real way, nothing is going to change.
They need quoting. No one likes to hear them, but they are real. There are serious cultural issues that have been (self)perpetuated over several generations. The solutions are very difficult because the problems aren’t mutually exclusive. Of course it never helps that, when soloutions are proposed, there is never enough concensus to implement them in a real way.
abc
April 21st, 2010
10:16 am
If I was quoting statistics, and I’m not, in 2008 there was a 29% incidence of white unwed pregnancy vs. 79% AA unwed pregnancy. 29% is very high, but 78-79% is ridiculous. But I’m not quoting statistics. It’s completely pointless.
But if I were to do so, then it follows, what is to be done about something like that? What are causes of prevalence of unwed pregnancy? Does something like that have pointers as to why professional AA women have a hard time finding a man to marry?
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
April 21st, 2010
10:17 am
@abc re: Tiger’s mistress and jesse james’s mistress. I saw that. Same producer as “Cheaters” I think. It must really be screwed up to be normal these days. If a person is straight, doesn’t have more lovers than fingers and toes, or wears underwear in public, he/she must be abnormal I guess.
Professor...
April 21st, 2010
10:18 am
abc we can agree to disagree, because the reality is THIS you can make stats tell whatever story you want. Look at the number of whites on welfare, look at how white men were leaders in the meltdown of this economy. I am not trying to make it a black/white debate, however we all no the lies stats give us. Looking at false numbers that have been manipulated don’t mean a thing.
As for 16 and Pregnant yes their was both humor and truth in my statement.
Professor...
April 21st, 2010
10:19 am
I meant know
Raqi
April 21st, 2010
10:20 am
WiseDiva, just from these answers you posted I am intrigued and may actually watch the program tonight.
I recorded the show “Baggage” and watched it last night with my husband. You need to watch that WiseDiva. It’s humorous yet interesting. The only thing is the show really does not focus on “Baggage” as most people tend to view it. From that one show I take it that it is going to focus on individual’s quirks, habits, physical “defects” and past.
When most people speak of baggage they are usually referring to having a child from past relationship or carrying disdain from a previous broken heart. But the show Baggage does not focus on that, it calls baggage shaving your entire face as woman, or the one lady that lives with two platonic male friends. And the woman that has 4 psychics. That’s not baggage. Oh and the lady that has one breast bigger than the other. Those are quirks and individual “defects” and preferences.
The interesting thing about the show is it is sort of like the old Dating Game. One person choosing from three. The three potentials have three suitcase. A small, a medium and a large case. Each case reveal something about that person. The reveals get more interesting the bigger the case. When opening the small case the guy gets to see what woman goes with each small case. When opening the middle sized case he gets to see what is in the case but not know which case belong to which woman. After seeing that case he chooses which one is the deal breaker not knowing which woman is eliminating. So just from the information he gets to know he stands the chance of getting rid of the woman that he may think is the most attractive.
When the deal breaker is sent away the two women remaining reveals what is in their biggest case. From there the guy choose which woman he wants to date.
Now here’s the catch. The guy has one big red piece of baggage that will reveal something big about him. Throughout the show Jerry Springer gives three things that could be in the case. The women don’t know which it is. When the guy chooses the woman he wants, she then decides if she wants to have a relationship with him after the reveal of his baggage.
The show that aired Monday night, that I watched last night, the 3 things were they guy either 1) Was married to two women at one time, 2) has a tattoo of his ex-wife on his chest or 3) had sex with a man.
Jerry asked the lady which one would be a deal breaker and as you know she said him having had sex with a man. So they open the case and she gets to see what his secret is. That particular had had sex with a man while drunk in college. LOL She was like bye-bye dude. LOL
The guy he didn’t understand why that was a big deal to her since she shaved her face for extra smoothness, which he touched and confirmed, and she wanted to adopt 5 kids.
He was crazy. Her two major things together do not even level up to him having had sex with a man.
Randyt (aka With that stupid volcano, I thought I was stuck here with "Toothless")
April 21st, 2010
10:20 am
On a personal note, thank God they have finally lifted the flying ban in England…I was getting really scared that the gal in the drive through was my destiny.
Kym--Didn't realize my life was that bad..Thank you Steve Harvey!
April 21st, 2010
10:20 am
Hello but what solutions came out of this shindig last week..cause I would rather skip the debate and get to the solutions..so what pray tell did The Great Teeth One come up with to solve this plague on Black women?
Melo
April 21st, 2010
10:21 am
Hell if nothing else allow polygamy or give a tax write off to those black women that are finding black men to marry if it is that deep.
Agggh Professor!! Polygamy??
Who is the wise Senator/Congresswoman sponsoring the Polygamy bill,I got a BIG donation to make to her political action committee???!
Kym--Didn't realize my life was that bad..Thank you Steve Harvey!
April 21st, 2010
10:26 am
Have any of you seen the promo for Dana Owens and Common’s new movie..Just Wright?..now I might actually go see that one…
Lady J
April 21st, 2010
10:28 am
DreamsM you sound like a research methods professor! LOL
Randyt (aka With that stupid volcano, I thought I was stuck here with "Toothless")
April 21st, 2010
10:28 am
@ Melo
You would WANT more than one wife? I can’t imagine two or three PMS’s in a month. If one had four, and the moon did not align, he might have to deal with it all month long…not without a room with a lock I can hide in…no way
(jus playin wit ya)
abc
April 21st, 2010
10:31 am
Percentages of whites and blacks on welfare are about the same. Hispanics receive welfare at about half that rate, Asians at less than 1/10th that rate. Poverty is not an indicator of unwed pregnancy, nor crime, nor incidence of marriage and divorce, at least if broken out by race.
i'm swiss
April 21st, 2010
10:31 am
abc — I’m curious to hear your thoughts on the cause of the teen pregnancy epidemic. I grew up & briefly taught high school in a very poor rural area in northwest GA. At one time, in fact, my county had the highest teen pregnancy rate in the state and the problem was not limited to the black community. In fact, it was proportionally spread across the white, black & latino populations — the common denominator seemed to be economic more than cultural. Do you think there is something beyond socio-economic factors that places some kids at higher risk? Or do you think it’s more that those socio-economic risk factors are unevenly represented across racial/cultural lines? Just curious…
Randyt (aka With that stupid volcano, I thought I was stuck here with "Toothless")
April 21st, 2010
10:33 am
@ Raqi re: had a one nighter in college when drunk…yechhhhhhh. (Although I have heard bad jokes about men waking up in an alley with their pants around their knees and a sore backside…just the thought is enough to make me quit drinking). Again a personal belief based on some observation…women can be legitimately ‘bi” …but a man is one or the other…if he has any confusion he is gay in denial. IMHO
Melo
April 21st, 2010
10:33 am
I can’t imagine two or three PMS’s in a month
@Randyt??
thats where good scouting comes in buddy?? U gotta mix and mismatch so that u have sex on deck when the other party is on menstrual sabbatical!
Polygamy aint even a stretch especially here in the south coz most of the pple are religious anyway,so they understand those (g)olden glorious ways!
Lady J
April 21st, 2010
10:33 am
acb I thought whites recieved more assistance than blacks??? Or is that a myth???
Lady J
April 21st, 2010
10:33 am
dag abc I meant!
Kym--Didn't realize my life was that bad..Thank you Steve Harvey!
April 21st, 2010
10:34 am
@Randy I am glad you got out..but I am really rooting for the volcano..the last time it erupted it lasted years…(science nerd statement)
Sassy Me..Sun Kissed :-)
April 21st, 2010
10:36 am
thank God they have finally lifted the flying ban in England…I was getting really scared that the gal in the drive through was my destiny.
i'm swiss
April 21st, 2010
10:37 am
Randy — You know when women are around each other long enough, their menstrual cycles have a way of aligning. Think about that. Four — count them FOUR — PMS’ing women in your house at once. Oh no, I think I just shat myself…
Randyt (aka With that stupid volcano, I thought I was stuck here with "Toothless")
April 21st, 2010
10:38 am
Hey Kym…not out yet. I am going to paris this weekend if my new flight does not get canceled. I have a ticket home next Friday and if the plane is delayed, I might start swimming. I want gravy and bisquits, fried food, cold milk, and a foot long chili dog…maybe two…and that is before I even drive home from Hartsfield Jackson.
Wise Diva
April 21st, 2010
10:39 am
those of you who want to join in on the topic on deck, please feel free to continue to do so! I see some of you checked out on it already, LOL! It’s ok, like many of the topics we cover on the blog, I believe it is worth exploring and finding solutions. I think it is all about getting different perspectives
You habitual topic hijackers are on my radar, stay focused please
LOL
Randyt (aka With that stupid volcano, I thought I was stuck here with "Toothless")
April 21st, 2010
10:41 am
@I’m swiss if that were the situation there better be no guns in the house. Nothing scarier than a PMSing woman and a firearm.
Professor...
April 21st, 2010
10:42 am
@Kym I think the Dana Owens and Common movie will be a cute fun movie.
@ Randyt I was going to ask you about where i could send a wedding gift to the happy couple. In my eyes I saw you giving drive-thru girl a ring as she handed you your food.
@Melo I should have known you would enjoy that line, and you know Queen and the kids are not going to share Melo.
kimmie
April 21st, 2010
10:42 am
Kimmie, THE WOMAN, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND is in the house!LOL!!
It’s Secretaries(Admin) Day and we gave her a big breakfast. I made 2 quiche – one seafood, one turkey sausage, all good!LOL!!
As to the topic, I AM SICK OF IT!!! But if you want my real opinion on it, I think the REAL reasons why AA women have a difficult time finding marriageable AA men lies in some of the bad statistics being thrown around. It stands to reason that if you have all of these social ills affecting your community, it’s going to have an effect on the marriage pool! Duh!!! And please, go somewhere with the “AA are too picky, standards too high, too many baby daddies, too materialistic, not submissive enough, angry, bossy, __ fill in the blanks”! All this stuff is used to destroy the AA family & too many are falling for it hook, line & sinker! But yeah, it’s tough for EVERYONE trying to meet a good person, whatever the race.
Now you all know, I am in a wonderful relationship with a great AA man! He has great AA male friends that are family men. Birds of a feather flock together! Meet one great guy & he is bound to have others around him.
I am going to follow this with another post about stereotypes I have faced in my dating adventures!
For Real
April 21st, 2010
10:42 am
Swiss: Calling it culture is too broad as that would imply that all people of a certain label. Teen pregnancy is however a product of ones envirnoment. What one or a group of people in a certain area consider prestigious then that one or group will strive to achieve such prestige. Thus, if having a baby during your teenage years is encourage and supported in a certain area then the numbers will be high. Back in the day getting preggo or going to prison meant somebody was moving to the South to get an education. Not so much now! Oh and I don’t think abc has any answers. He strikes me as an issue pointer-outter.
abc
April 21st, 2010
10:43 am
Lady J, I think it’s a myth. Whites are 80% of the US population in 2009, with almost 13% AA; of those receiving welfare, about 38% are white and 39% black. So, there’s about the same pure numbers of white and black people receiving welfare; white welfare recipients represent a much smaller percentage of total white population than black recipients represent of total black population. So, while welfare money is split about evenly among black and white people, black people are more likely to receive welfare than white people.
Kym--Didn't realize my life was that bad..Thank you Steve Harvey!
April 21st, 2010
10:44 am
@Wisey but like For Real said this topic is not about solutions. It is all about whining and moaning problems..Did the panel even talk solutions? Or was this a forum dedicated to bashing black women..because even your three little panelist gave no solutions at all..”See what your problem is..” is not a solution statement.
Lady J
April 21st, 2010
10:44 am
thanks abc!
Randyt (aka With that stupid volcano, I thought I was stuck here with "Toothless")
April 21st, 2010
10:46 am
@ Prof …NO wedding, NO happy.. no,no, no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no, and hellz no.
Lady J
April 21st, 2010
10:46 am
get it kimmie! good post!
tmac
April 21st, 2010
10:46 am
The problem with succesful black women is not because the the dating poll is limited or there arent enough black men who posses the same level of education. No. The problem with black women in my observation is because sucessful black women always have a very inflated stock value of themselves. Its amazing. Specially if they posses a some sort of physical attribute to go along with their education and money, then they always think of themselves above anything.
I have professed in the past at this blog that I never dated a black woman for the very same reason. There goes one successful, young, educated black man, not in jail but out of your site because of such behaviour of a sucessful black woman.
There are many sucessful black men tanggled with a white/non-black women, so if there is a guilty party in this debate its the victim.
i'm swiss
April 21st, 2010
10:46 am
“Thus, if having a baby during your teenage years is encourage and supported in a certain area then the numbers will be high.”
@ For Real — This is what struck me the most during the year that I taught… Getting pregnant wasn’t seen as a negative by these girls. I overheard several of them saying they wish they had a baby, like so-and-so. SMH…
Wise Diva
April 21st, 2010
10:47 am
I see your point. There was efforts made to gain understanding and solutions, it goes deeper then mere compatibility issues. I think you will see when you watch tonight
Wise Diva
April 21st, 2010
10:47 am
sorry, my last comment was directed towards Kym/For Real
For Real
April 21st, 2010
10:50 am
So now 39% of 136,500,000 is the same as 38% of 45,500,000?
Randyt (aka With that stupid volcano, I thought I was stuck here with "Toothless")
April 21st, 2010
10:51 am
@tmac
Interesting post but don’t be offended if I don’t stand near you for the next little bit. some of those arrows might be off mark
Melo
April 21st, 2010
10:52 am
I overheard several of them saying they wish they had a baby, like so-and-so.
:eyeroll: 
Kym--Didn't realize my life was that bad..Thank you Steve Harvey!
April 21st, 2010
10:52 am
@Wisey…honey I am not staying up that late to watch Nightline..ya’ll will have to give me the short version tomorrow. I would love to know is this just a American “problem”..or are black women all over the world having this same “problem”? I mean what about Canada, or Europe? Has this epidemic reach a global scale? Should we have a march to raise awareness? Sigh..
Tazzee - 24 days til Mrs.
April 21st, 2010
10:54 am
Morning Folks! Wow, the day I decided to peep back in there’s such a negative tone.
Thanks for the shout-out Professor – yes, I am VERY happy. Every day my man makes me smile and on May 14, I will be Mrs. That brings me joy.
The other side of the equation for this successful black woman is – most 6-figure women would not give my fiance’ a second look. When I disclosed on here that he makes less than me, some of the guys even tried to make it seem like he was less of a man. But our relationship works well for us.
To Allen’s response – I never truly knew I could be a submissive woman until I met a man I felt safe submitting to. I would enjoy an answer to Professor’s question – how much of a homemaker would you like a woman to be? On a good day, my job keeps me from home 10-11 hours of the day. When we’re not busy I leave between 8-8:30 and get back home between 6:30 and 7pm. Now if I want to maintain a workout schedule, I either need to be in bed by 9:30 to wake up early or workout after 7pm. I’m not making excuses, but that doesn’t leave time for a lot of homemaking without killing myself. Because when I get home, we need some time to wind down together and discuss our days. When you factor in the intimate time… well you get the picture. Shoot, when we’re busy at work I can spend 12-13 hours at work – add in the commute.
And that is why being engaged to a man that makes his own schedule works for us. He could make a LOT more if he chose to work for someone but that’s not what he wants, that’s not what will make him happy.
I do think that black women desiring to be married to black men have an uphill battle. The numbers just aren’t there no matter how you slice it. Because you also have to factor in the number of eligible black men that have no desire to be married. But it’s an uphill battle I was willing to fight.
But I have to agree with abc – we are putting so much effort in addressing the plight of the successful black woman when we need to address more pressing issues of our community. Single parent households, education, unemployment, I could go on and on…
Professor...
April 21st, 2010
10:54 am
I will leave this topic alone it reminds me of the crack vs. cocaine debate