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What just happened?

It is so perplexing when men are attracted to you one minute and the next they act all weird and distant.  I can understand when someone doesn’t want to pursue things. I get confused when they come on so strong and then start to backpedal.  Are women guilty of doing the same thing to men?

I’m usually not the type to come on too strong because I have that cautious nature that puts the brakes on.  Even when I feel like I am plunging into the “new man” haze head first, I remain cautiously optimistic until things start to progress.  Sometimes there is a shift in attraction.  You figure out that the person who once made an impression on you really isn’t that compatible with you after all. What is your next move?

What are ways you  can tell you are attracted to someone?  Let’s go beyond the obvious, “I want to see them naked” barometer to test how strong your attraction is; how can you determine that your attraction is significant enough to compel you to focus on just them?

How do you handle it when you are attracted to someone unexpectedly?  Just because it catches you off guard, does that mean you won’t pursue things?

658 comments Add your comment

Raqi

March 30th, 2010
8:29 am

the next they act all weird and distant

And they say we women are the flaky ones. GTFOH

Mike P

March 30th, 2010
8:31 am

Good morning Everyone,
I only pursue someone if, at each time I see them, I’m still attracted to them, say on a third ‘meet up.’ But I’ll come on strong when I flirt; doesn’t mean I’m that interested though. Lots of time the women assume I’m interested when in fact, I’m just ‘testing the waters’, or just being my playful self.

Raqi

March 30th, 2010
8:32 am

Attraction to me was the desire to see the guy. Thinking about them just out of nowhere. Feeling satisfied just being in their company. Non-sexual thoughts of them. That for me was a true attraction.

SlimCoo-Coo

March 30th, 2010
8:33 am

Morning,

Have experienced this with the main guy i’m dating now. Two steps forward, one step back. Sheesh!

Mike P

March 30th, 2010
8:35 am

hey Raqi :)
Isn’t being flaky when someone agrees to meet up with someone else and then bail (change mind in the last possible second) with an obvious lame excuse, wasting the time of the other?

SlimCoo-Coo

March 30th, 2010
8:36 am

Can’t wait to read what the menfolk are going to say about the topic. Till then, Coffee time!

Raqi

March 30th, 2010
8:38 am

I remember meeting a couple guys that had come on pretty strong and the nothing. Left me like “huh? what was that all about?”.

I understand caution but I never did understand the ones that just kinda left you up in the air. If the attraction isn’t there just say so.

And Leggs I got a bone to pick with you. This topic is perfect for what I want to say.

Raqi

March 30th, 2010
8:41 am

Hey Mike.

Yeah and it also is being all one moment and not so much the next. Same thing. Some of you mean are like light switches. No dimming process. Just on and then off. That used to be so aggravating. Just flaky. Undecisive.

kinderbabe--35 days to liberation and counting!!!

March 30th, 2010
8:41 am

i have measured my attraction in the past by the “wanting to no more” factor. i am not easily intrigued so if i find a man intriguing, that’s a good sign.:)

kinderbabe--35 days to liberation and counting!!!

March 30th, 2010
8:42 am

btw i meant wanting to “know” more…lol

SlimCoo-Coo

March 30th, 2010
8:49 am

Men If a chick you were dating told you she had been either molested or raped at some point in her life, would that lessen your attraction to her? Would it make you view her as tainted or damaged goods?

THE INFAMOUS DK

March 30th, 2010
8:49 am

Once you open ya flap and I hear something I dont like. I go from speed racer to driving ms daisy to parked in long term parking and Im gone.

THE INFAMOUS DK

March 30th, 2010
8:52 am

The convo dictates how much I like you past the pretty face.. No substance, a poser, full of yourself or just a bust will make turn left in a heartbeat. If I have to try hard to muster up convo then its not gonna work. We are not as fly as we think and sometimes it just isnt meant to be.. Its a part of the game to get you to the Baby you need to be with.

CoolShadow

March 30th, 2010
8:55 am

How can you determine that your attraction is significant enough to compel you to focus on just them?

When I feel like I have lost emotional control of self, a situation that borders on excitement and extreme vulnerability. That person becomes a significant attraction when they are in constant thought without substantial basis and if I’m really sprung, I’ll lose my appetite.

How do you handle it when you are attracted to someone unexpectedly? Just because it catches you off guard, does that mean you won’t pursue things?

If it’s a random encounter, I’ll approach and see what happens. If we happen to have a mutual acquaintance, I’ll get intel on them to see what’s up. Assuming there are no pre-existing conditions (i.e., married, seriously involved, etc.), I’ll may make arrangements to approach depending on the intel that I get back as well as the source.

Palm

March 30th, 2010
8:56 am

I recall this woman that I met and I was attracted to her (on a scale of 1 to 10, she was an 8). We went on date and while on the date we had a discussion on the origin of black people. I was stimulated intellectually and all of sudden she went from an 8 to a 25 on a scale of 1 to 10.

THE INFAMOUS DK

March 30th, 2010
8:56 am

Slim – no but if she wears that on her sleeve and hasnt figured out it wasnt her fault or that bad things happen to good people then yeah it would be an issue..

Raqi

March 30th, 2010
8:56 am

Infamous, so you are one of those guys that take the number and say you are going to call but don’t.

Or one of the ones that leave the last date like you are really into the woman just to get ghost after that?

Luvbug

March 30th, 2010
8:57 am

Once you open ya flap and I hear something I dont like. I go from speed racer to driving ms daisy to parked in long term parking and Im gone.

DK- I think that works both ways…well you may be categorized as a “friend” or something along those lines.

Jeff

March 30th, 2010
8:58 am

If he was all over you then flaked out, most of the time it is going to be something about you. Bad weave, tiolet paper sticking out of your thong, whatever. Or maybe he realized you work with his wife! Who knows.

Dan

March 30th, 2010
8:59 am

I’m with DK

There have been some, that would just say something or in some kinda way that was like nails on a chalk board. I back up, reassess at the very least, and depending on how bad it was – walk away.

@Slim

Heard that story tooooooo many times. But that’s never her [the abused]fault, so I don’t think about her any differently with that new information. And shame on the douche that does.

Jeff

March 30th, 2010
9:00 am

Raqi-I’d rather flake on a woman from a distance than have her go finger-snappin on me in a restaurant.

THE INFAMOUS DK

March 30th, 2010
9:00 am

Raqi – Maybe. If we are just meeting i dont owe you anything neither do you owe me anything..

Raqi

March 30th, 2010
9:04 am

Okay Jeff. But why act like you are all in? That’s what used to get next to me. Why lie?

You all pride yourself in being “men”, be a man and say it was nice to meet you but I don’t think we are meant to be together.

Yeah I know, imma give you the right answer before you answer. Men don’t like to hurt women. Yall would just rather lie to her instead. LOL

Cowards. :lol:

tmac

March 30th, 2010
9:04 am

I am going thru same damn thing. I saw her, was drooling to get with her. Got her. Now I am backpaddling and I feel sometimes bad. But reality is I was on the other end. She saw me, died to get with me, and she was gone.

THE INFAMOUS DK

March 30th, 2010
9:04 am

Luv – I agree cause the convo will make the connection glow or fizzle out.. like a dimmer on a light switch.

Maya Angelou said “When a person reveals themself.. Believe them”…

Raqi

March 30th, 2010
9:05 am

I understand if it’s you first encounter Infamous, but I had some guys just flake out after like the 3rd date. Nothing. Ended the evening like all was going well and then nothing. Hell state you stance. LOL

Luvbug

March 30th, 2010
9:08 am

He may not state his stance b/c he is leaving room to change his mind. Guys always keep a door open just in case…at least that’s what I’ve heard.

THE INFAMOUS DK

March 30th, 2010
9:09 am

Raqi – You know Im gonna get you.. Now its funny how women can always tell a man how to be a man when most dont even know how to be a woman. If we just met I dont owe you anything. If a woman does it its ok, so when is she gonna be a woman? Thats what I cant grasp.. Women think dudes should eat ya’ll sh!t and call it a delicacy.. Just be the best woman you can be and stop worrying about what a man is because truth be told a woman can never tell a man how to be a man.

SlimCoo-Coo

March 30th, 2010
9:10 am

“if she wears that on her sleeve and hasnt figured out it wasnt her fault or that bad things happen to good people then yeah it would be an issue..”

Infamous – not wearing it on the sleeve but if the chick just mentioned it to you..would you automatically sort of discount her because of the “possible” issues you could forsee even if she never exhibited any effects?

Luvbug

March 30th, 2010
9:11 am

Let’s go beyond the obvious, “I want to see them naked”

It’s funny that WD had to put that in there. It hadn’t even crossed my mind. :lol:

Mike P

March 30th, 2010
9:13 am

Raqi, Why should I say something about why I’m no longer interested, when I’m never given the same courtesy from you women I’m feeling, especially when it is I who makes the plans, and pursue them (actions, or lack there of, speaks louder then words)? After-all, isn’t that apart of the weeding process? Am I wrong about this here???

Carlito

March 30th, 2010
9:14 am

Sometimes you will be attracted to someone and after the initial conversation, you go back and analyze and decide that person is not worth getting to know. I think that women think that they are doing everything perfect and say it is the guy flaking out when in reality they BOTH are in observation mode. Nobody wants to “feel” like they have to prove themselves while it seems like the other is just sitting there making a choice without giving as much as the other.

SlimOne, I think those who are molested are damaged mentally and it takes a special person to deal with that in a mate. I.E. not me.

Jeff

March 30th, 2010
9:15 am

Works both ways Raqi. Some women will pay attention to you and be all flirty, then never answer an email or a phone call. Yes, when I was younger, I was afraid of hurting a woman’s feelings, but that fear has been stomped on, run over, put through the grinder and made into hotdogs. Now, I’ll call you out pretty quick on anything. What are you gonna do, cut me off?

THE INFAMOUS DK

March 30th, 2010
9:15 am

Slim – No but I would file it away and if it starts to affect the relationship then i might suggest counseling. Again if it rears its head in a way the clearly shows she hasnt dealt with it then I may bounce or depending on how involved I am would want to help her..

SlimCoo-Coo

March 30th, 2010
9:17 am

I wonder why dudes start pulling back when they feel themselves really getting into a chick…what’s that about?

SlimCoo-Coo

March 30th, 2010
9:18 am

“it takes a special person to deal with that in a mate. I.E. not me.”

Carlito – LOL can’t blame you for being honest. ;-)

Carlito

March 30th, 2010
9:18 am

Infamous, IMO if a woman is telling a man how to be a man, she needs to remind herself how to be a woman.

Slim One, it would depend on when she told me, I guess. If it is in the beginning of the relationship I would not date her also it depends on her age when it happened. If it were preteens maybe we could work through that. If it were in her mid to upper teens, I would think she had issues as well for not getting out of that environment.

Luvbug

March 30th, 2010
9:18 am

I was afraid of hurting a woman’s feelings, but…Now, I’ll call you out pretty quick on anything.

I think this is true for a lot more men nowaday. Seems yall have had a little men’s lib of your own.

Carlito

March 30th, 2010
9:21 am

Luvbug, I think men are just sick of being punks.

Dan

March 30th, 2010
9:22 am

@Raqi

Honesty is the best policy for me. If I’m not there with you, I have to address it. No BS, no game.

I don’t want to waste your time, and I refuse to let you waste mine.

@KB

intrigue – is my word too. Something compelling, almost magnetic, that little piece of something that makes me wanna come back.

Yet, it is soooo sad when nothings there

THE INFAMOUS DK

March 30th, 2010
9:23 am

Im gonna say it… At least we shake the spot instead of keeping ya’ll around for free dinners, dates and the occasional I need a dude to escort me to my coupled up friends event.. Im just saying..

Dan

March 30th, 2010
9:25 am

@Slim

He may not be feeling you.

Here’s the thing: we all speak English; stop trying to translate it into Mandarin (or Spanish).

If I say, stutter, or imply – please believe me.

Dan

March 30th, 2010
9:26 am

@DK

You and me today brother.

Let’s cut it all to the quick.

Carlito

March 30th, 2010
9:26 am

SlimOne, are you experiencing this?

Luvbug

March 30th, 2010
9:27 am

Carlito- We ask for a little freedom from manipulation. Yall showed up will a list too. :lol:

I guess a little compromise aint too much to ask…as long as you’re not being rude in your honesty. We are women, we remember things and may not shake it off as quickly as you do.

Carlito

March 30th, 2010
9:28 am

Can;t be mad when a man does man things. Handles business when in it, but wise enought to know when he should not be in it.

Carlito

March 30th, 2010
9:29 am

Luvbug, I do not think we as men shake it off. We just carry on and try not to lose focus on everything else. If we are hurting we try not to let it dominate our every thought.

SlimCoo-Coo

March 30th, 2010
9:30 am

Carlito – Nope ;-)

Dan

March 30th, 2010
9:30 am

@Luvbug

In the “sh!t as delicacy” vein. Why can y’all say some nasty isht out yo mouth to the random dude, but we can’t be honest without having to blunt it.

If we’re both adults, we both need to mindful of what and how we say stuff. That “woman as weaker sex” dissipates with every proudly sassy chick.

Luvbug

March 30th, 2010
9:30 am

Free dinners? Every woman is not like that. I would like a permanent plus one though. I get tired of hanging out with females.