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Need better matches?

After enduring some dating disaster or meeting a host of strange creatures, single people have to get proactive.  We can’t sit by and continue to let bad dates happen to us!  The thing is, it’s not necessarily difficult to attract people to you.

I could probably write a book about how to meet men who are handsome but know it and are arrogant.  I could teach a course on dating men who want all the perks of relationships and marriage but mention the big M word? They disappear faster than Tiger Wood’s sponsors.

The big question is: How do you attract the right people to you? The people you actually want to date past two weeks. The people that want what you want, when you want it.  Impossible? I don’t think so. Challenging? Definitely!

What are ways we can improve our chances of getting better matches?  If you aren’t online dating, you have to meet people more organically.   Is it possible to meet “The One” in a bar?

When you think about your last great date that developed into something substantial, where did you meet? Do you believe that the way you met and how you met made a real difference?

578 comments Add your comment

PrincessNIk

March 24th, 2010
9:49 am

@Mo

I think they underestimated the demand for those Monica Cd’s and I think its going to hurt here sales, cause you know some folks will not buy it after the first week at 9.99 LOL.

@ Raqi, let me add to my “what you are lookin for is lookin for you” i’m not talking about what you “think” you are looking for, sometimes you don’t even know what you are really TRUELY looking for until you find it or it finds you. You have some basic ideas, and your personal “deal breakers” but what is for you, is for you.

@ Professor~ Hola, Que Pasa?

Carlito

March 24th, 2010
9:49 am

Mo, thank you. :)

Rell, I agree with all that you have said. Also the underlying self defeatist attitude is very sickening to read. If people sell themselves short in any sort of way they will always come up short in every way. IMO

I guess guys are used to encouraging themselves to step to a woman and a man can have any woman he puts his mind to getting, yes I said it ladies. If a man chooses you, you really have no choice in the matter, if he REALLY wants you he will get you. You can not stop a determined man. Thank about those guys you wish you were never involved with, the one night stands, the wasted months, the failed relationships or the great LTR’s or your happy marriage. He chose you. So a man can date whomever he pleases, the issue is if he wants to put in the work or not. Sometimes he will just to get what he wants and then leave or he may want that woman for the long haul. I hate to break it down that way. :)

Raqi...A Vision of Loveliness

March 24th, 2010
9:50 am

Rell, let me give you an example. A socialite is not looking Mr. Let’s Eat At IHOP On A Two For One Coupon and let’s go home and watch Ion. See you may can get a date, but can you date. That’s why we have so many 2 date max runs. Many find that they can’t keep it going. Again, not meaning to generalize but there are certain people that run in certain groups that are not looking for a “You”. (Not you literally)

Many of us can make a date, but can we date.

jraw

March 24th, 2010
9:50 am

If you are looking for marriage, then you need to move away from Atlanta. People are afraid of committment in the A. My wife and I went to more weddings when we lived in Detroit versus being in Atlanta and we have lived in Atlanta for 10 years. We only lived in Detroit for 4 years. The dudes are mostly committment phobes or just like being with different chicks and the women for the most part are too darn picky. Just my .02 cents.

AmazonRed™

March 24th, 2010
9:52 am

Morning all –

Let’s see, where did I meet the “substantial” (more than a few dates) ones…

I’ve met the two most substantial ones at mixers/events that one of the fraternities has thrown around the city.

I’ve met one at a professional networking function.

One I met the one and only time I actually went out with someone on a dating website.

One I met at the Compound during Morehouse homecoming weekend.

One I met at some HBCU reunion party (neither one of us went to an HBCU) :lol:

One I met through a fix up.

One I met after years of bantering back and forth on a greek message board we frequented.

Meeting guys out on the town isn’t too hard. I just look for the tallest one in the room and set my trap. :lol:

Raqi...A Vision of Loveliness

March 24th, 2010
9:52 am

Carlito, it is not a self defeatist attitude, it’s reality. There are some women out there that will laugh in your face if you step to them. I have never met you but I can introduce you to a few.

Lady J-Lioness

March 24th, 2010
9:53 am

the truth hurts….per se…ha!

Many of us can make a date, but can we date…….Raqi that is sooooo true…..

Carlito

March 24th, 2010
9:54 am

Open your world to something new. If you have not found what you seek in your current circle make your circle larger by expanding and doing things that are new to you. The fun part of dating and relationships to me is taking an interest it what your partner does that is new to the other.

PrincessNIk

March 24th, 2010
9:54 am

One I met at some HBCU reunion party (neither one of us went to an HBCU)

@ ARed, you are a trip Ms. Lady :lol:

M. (pronouced M dot)

March 24th, 2010
9:57 am

@Amazon

Whats the trap lol?

Carlito

March 24th, 2010
9:58 am

Raqi, I am good on the meeting people part. But for scientific reasons if you provide the environment I will prove you wrong. I will not close the deal, but I am certain I would not have a problem doing so. Line them up, but you clear up the aftermath. Shall we bet a $1.00, like in the movie Trading Places?

AmazonRed™

March 24th, 2010
10:00 am

Whats the trap lol?

:lol: No bonafide trap M. just when I see a fish I want to reel in, I but the vibe out that he gets the green light to come talk to me.

That is, if he hasn’t noticed me first and is devising his own game plan. ;)

Raqi...A Vision of Loveliness

March 24th, 2010
10:01 am

Carlito, close the deal on what? What is closing the deal?

Carlito

March 24th, 2010
10:01 am

Men need to exercise some focus and discipline and loose women need to stop giving guys all of the options, so easily.

Rell unplugged

March 24th, 2010
10:01 am

So a man can date whomever he pleases, the issue is if he wants to put in the work or not. Sometimes he will just to get what he wants and then leave or he may want that woman for the long haul. I hate to break it down that way

- word..i agree

raqi…it does not hurt to try

i tried to step to chilli last year in publix..she was by herself…but you know what i still wanted to see what she would say…she didnt she just gave me a crazy look and keep it moving…but so what..i still but my bid in…and so i failed…hell she might have did me favor..but i dont think i cant have what i want…i mean how did you feel before you meet your husband…i mean the whole single woman with two kids things prolly was not good for the self-esteem at the time..but you still felt in your mind you would get better right…so whats wrong with men having the same mind state..regardless who the chick is.

Carlito

March 24th, 2010
10:03 am

Raqi, “close the deal” meaning I would not desire to seek a relationship with those individuals or anything like that. The point of the introductions is just to prove the point the you and I are trying to make. Me saying you handle the aftermath is me saying you can explain that the whole thing was just an experiment.

kimmie

March 24th, 2010
10:07 am

Hey Gang!

I met my boo at Publix and it’s been all good!LOL!! Anyway, we have somewhat similiar backgrounds and ran in similiar circles. We are very compatible. The same on some things, but we have differences that add spice.

All fix-ups have been terrible. 2 were 1 date, no more. One did result in a 3 year run that was 2 & 3/4 years too many. I blame myself for staying in it past the expiration date. He was the only man to ever steal from me & cyber-stalk me. I shudder to think about it!

Anyway, did anyone see Millionaire Matchmaker last night? The AA couple was beautiful and had a fantastic date! I think the lady was a former contestant on America’s Next Top Model, but I’m not sure. They just seemed to click really well though.

Randyt (the gal in the drive thru STILL has maybe 14 teeth))

March 24th, 2010
10:10 am

Avoiding “Psycho”

In all seriousness, I still like Internet dating the most and all of the “meaningful” relationships I’ve had since my divorce were started on the “net”. When I see a lady on line that intrigues me, or I receive a message from one that has some potential, I take the time to know her as much as possible before we ever meet face to face. I start with emails, graduate to a phone call or two, and if they have made it through the “weeding out” process, then I ask them out…not one minute before I get a sense of who they are and if their stories are consistent from contact to contact.

I can tell as much from a few emails about how a person thinks, as I can from an hour at a dance bar playing the ”mating” game and rituals. Have I had a few bad moments? Certainly I have had a few, but not many. Did all stick??? Nope. But before I meet her, I have already seen a picture or two, I have read enough of her coorespondence to get a general feel if she graduated from the “Bates Motel”, and can tell if she is smart enough to write a complete sentence.

Kym

March 24th, 2010
10:10 am

Chilli is actually getting ready to do her own reality show about trying to find “the one.” Maybe you were her inspiration for the show Rell..LOL..

Raqi...A Vision of Loveliness

March 24th, 2010
10:14 am

Rell, I never said there was anything wrong with trying. I even said that many can get that first date but many find that they are not able or capable of “dating” that individual.

Heck my oldest son used to like to get girl’s telephone numbers and I would hear him telling his friends that he got more than a few. But how many of those numbers were genuine. And better yet, how many of those girls gave him a real date. Not nearly as many as he hoped. He talked them into giving him a number but he wasn’t able to get passed that for many of them.

I am not going to lie to you there were guys that I didn’t give the time of day when I was dating. Many of them came at me with some good game and a masters of suave but it wasn’t for me. We weren’t on the same playing field. Yeah some of them could beat their chest after getting the digits but it feel flat after that. And there were some guys that I tried to date that were just too much for me. I am not a jetsetter and trying to date one was just fooling myself.

So it’s not just being able to get a date, it’s being able to date. That’s the premise of the topic this morning. Finding the one.

Carlito

March 24th, 2010
10:17 am

Rell, once again I agree with you. You stepped to Chili and she blew you off, but if you wooed her a different way or just found an opening, there is no telling what would have happened. It was your choice to move on to the next one. :) I remember my first date here in Atlanta, I was at Phipp’s Plaza and saw this beautiful woman(very well put together and it was real and not a front) just frowning and walking. I said “stop frowning” she looked me up and down and kept walking and gave me a direct frown. So what did I do? I gave her the ugliest face I could conjure up. (At this point I had already determined I did not like her attitude, but who was she to tell me no? I must conquer) She said, “I do not look like that.”(Uh ohh she is losing ground I got her talking to me now). I said, “To me you do. give me a real smile and I will leave you alone” She gave me a fake smile and I just busted out laughing and so did she. (Oh, now she is laughing with me) Then she gave me a real smile from the laugh that we have. (Got her, now) We talked and walked and I got her number. We went out a few times but I really was not into her(Even though she was a Senior VP at The Weather Channel, had no kids and was verified single, hot and sexy), the deep rooted issue was that she tried to play me to the left initially and I had to prove her wrong, I do the choosing not her.

kimmie

March 24th, 2010
10:18 am

Raqita, I get what you’re saying. It’s almost like the topic a few weeks ago on dating leagues. Miracles happen, but the chances are slim that you are going to be dating and marrying someone that travels in vastly different circles than you normally travel in. That’s why other than Cinderella stories you hear about, old-money rich usually marries old-money rich. Even though she was a nanny, Elin was introduced to Tiger thru one of the other golfers that she nannied for, plus her family has money too.

I have no doubt I could hold my own in any social situation – I’m intelligent & I clean up well. But I’m not a Washington insider, so I doubt if the Obama’s will be setting me up with someone in their inner circle if I wasn’t seeing my SO. I just don’t have the opportunity.

Rell unplugged

March 24th, 2010
10:19 am

ok, like lito said raqi..the man chooses you..so he was choosing wrong not you. But i get your whole can you date point. Interesting, but when a man is properly focused he can have the women he thinks of in his mind.

@kym, thats funny maybe..she was walking in front of me and i was like shorty is cute…then i came up on her again when i was grabbing some milk..i was like thats!!!…i was on the phone with my peoples and they said go ahead do it..i said bet let me call you back..so i walk up said hello how are you..she gave me that “here is a fan look”…me i said my name is derrell and you are…she gave me a funny look and walked off smiling..lol…so i just said o well..call my peoples back to hear him lol at my attempt to bag a celeb…it happens…but thats my world…i am fearless when it comes to women..fearless!!!

Raqi...A Vision of Loveliness

March 24th, 2010
10:21 am

kimmie, Exactly. Getting a date and being able to keep that date are different fetes.

Lady J-Lioness

March 24th, 2010
10:22 am

Kym the Jazz Festival is back @ Peidmont Park this year!!!!! Yipppppie!!!

Rell unplugged

March 24th, 2010
10:23 am

I had to prove her wrong, I do the choosing not her.

ok could it be the return of real talk on the blog…i cosign that statement player…i been saying the same thing for YEARS.

Mr_NYC

March 24th, 2010
10:23 am

I met a great lady online and surprise surprise she lives in the ATL
Funny thing is that I was not “looking” for a relationship, just relaxed and enjoying conversation. I felt she was a good professional contact to have and then all of a sudden I noticed that we were having daily convos about other things and had a lot in common. The connection developed from that and she is definitely a keeper. Show you how to eat your words — both of us said from the outset we would never do a long distance relationship. Oh well.

Carlito

March 24th, 2010
10:24 am

Some men’s lack of back bone and self control have caused many women to feel empowered in the wrong way.

Rell unplugged

March 24th, 2010
10:24 am

Jazz Festival is back @ Peidmont Park – love it…

AmazonRed™

March 24th, 2010
10:24 am

remember my first date here in Atlanta, I was at Phipp’s Plaza and saw this beautiful woman(very well put together and it was real and not a front) just frowning and walking. I said “stop frowning”

I can not stand when men do this.

Raqi...A Vision of Loveliness

March 24th, 2010
10:25 am

she blew you off

Which proves my point. He was looking for a Chili but Chili was not looking for a him.

Heck you show me one average guy that would not date her if given the chance and I will show you a “her” that will not give 95% of them a chance.

LL411

March 24th, 2010
10:25 am

@ Carlito…

Carlito

March 24th, 2010
10:17 am

Well, well, well, who knew!

kimmie

March 24th, 2010
10:26 am

the deep rooted issue was that she tried to play me to the left initially and I had to prove her wrong, I do the choosing not her.

Carlito – So the ONLY issue was that she initially blew you off? Is your ego that big? j/k LOL!!

I kinda have a problem with this “I do the choosing”. I’ve always heard the opposite actually, with the woman choosing to date you, but the dude doing the proposing. Anyway, how about we choose each other?

Rell unplugged

March 24th, 2010
10:26 am

Some men’s lack of back bone and self control have caused many women to feel empowered in the wrong way

- this cat is shooting from both barrells today…cosign

Lady J-Lioness

March 24th, 2010
10:27 am

hmmmmmm do you just shut down dating after dating the wrong ones or stop bc you can’t keep one….serial daters and serial divorcees should what in their down time…..and working on self is ongoing hence…..it just can’t be this difficlt to find a compatiable mate and date and progress to a relationship…..

Rell unplugged

March 24th, 2010
10:29 am

@raqi..i will say you proved your point…i just dont agree…lets end it there. chilli is not the only woman tht has blown me off..just an example.

AmazonRed™

March 24th, 2010
10:29 am

Who does the “chosing” is mutual. My grandfather pursued my grandmother relentlessly until she gave in.

There are plenty of guys who do the same and still never get the time of day from the woman they chose.

Both parties have to be willing.

Dan

March 24th, 2010
10:30 am

@Rell

Chili’s a cool chick (from the Westside), the whole ‘fan’ thing was probably her guard being up. Bet if you’da went at her like a normal female, she may given you some play.

I guess I need to go back and read y’all discussion on “leagues”, because the way Kimmie is putting it, it’s less about who you are than what or who you know…..interesting.

Was that the conclusion that was reached?

Lady J-Lioness

March 24th, 2010
10:30 am

ARed so true….

Carlito

March 24th, 2010
10:31 am

Rell, exactly. We win some and we lose some,. The problem comes in when we can’t admit our own faults in the ones we lost, or did not work out. Some tend to pass blame or make excuses.

PrincessNIk

March 24th, 2010
10:31 am

He was looking for a Chili but Chili was not looking for a him.

Maybe, Maybe not, without any interaction beyond a hey how you doing how do they really know? Sure she is beautiful but she could have turned out to have the personality of a bi-otch. And on the flip side, he could have turned out to be a really great and genuine guy with everything she was lookin for outside of “a million bucks”…….

Cemeeli

March 24th, 2010
10:31 am

“sometimes God will wink at you to let you know where you are really supposed to be” ~ Zane

I had never read any of the chile’s books, but after reading this ONE with limited uninhibited story line…this statement reigns true, true indeed.

Morning to ya’!…

I’m not wearing sandals today, but the temp today will permit it…Finally!

74 & Sunny…-Good day for a Wednesday WinDown….

LL411

March 24th, 2010
10:32 am

I’ve met men everywhere, but the one that stuck I met on-line.

SexyCool - Project170 in full effect!

March 24th, 2010
10:32 am

Cemeeli

March 24th, 2010
10:34 am

Lito Are you being productive at work? I mean you are on this blog young man… :lol: lol

Mr. Rell Did Sean do you well?…hows that core doing for ya?

Raqi...A Vision of Loveliness

March 24th, 2010
10:34 am

kimmie, I have heard kinda the opposite also. While it’s the norm for a guy to approach, it’s the woman’s place to accept or not. Now who chooses who? It’s all mutual.

The man may choose to step to the woman but she choose whether or not it goes anywhere from there.

I will even say in the proposal of marriage the man will do the asking but the woman has to accept.

Lady J-Lioness

March 24th, 2010
10:35 am

I was thinking about WWD this morning…..escape wednesday it is!

Raqi...A Vision of Loveliness

March 24th, 2010
10:37 am

do you just shut down dating after dating the wrong ones or stop bc you can’t keep one

LadyJ, you never stop looking. However we all find those things that we need to stop doing that gets us with the wrong one time after time.

Rell unplugged

March 24th, 2010
10:38 am

Mr. Rell Did Sean do you well?…hows that core doing for ya?

- second round day 10…i will be cool by 4/1…i am on day 100…i have done one round of 90 days

Lady J-Lioness

March 24th, 2010
10:38 am

yes ma’am!