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Digital dating drama

I caught a few minutes of MTV’s True Life: I Have Digital Drama and I realized that I am truly an analog girl in a digital world. (Shout out to Ms. Badu!) I am connected to a lot of devices, but I don’t have one problem unplugging from time to time. Especially if Mr. Wonderful is within arm’s length. Priorities people!

The show follows people who are so plugged in to their digital worlds that their “analog” relationships are suffering.  Even though the people in this show were younger, I have seen similar dynamics with people of different ages.  Imagine you have managed to get into an actual relationship with that text message abuser. Things are going great until you realize that the reason they are text message offenders  is because their thumbs are surgically attached to their smart phone.  What happens when you both have a bad habit of being too plugged in, though?

One of the girls asked her boyfriend to keep his phone unlocked so she can do “spot checks”.  Another girl stated that both her and her boyfriend “agreed” to allow access to each others emails.  They thought it would actually work until he saw her reading an email from an ex-fling. She didn’t like the racy tone and he didn’t like having to explain his private communications. Talk about reality checks!

Do we need to give up privacy to be in a relationship? If so, exactly how much are you willing to give up?  How do you handle dating drama caused by Facebook, Twitter, personal blogs, etc.?  What would you do if the person you were getting really serious about asked for “digital” access? I don’t know about this. It sounds exhausting and kind of stupid. What do you think?

395 comments Add your comment

PrincessNIk

March 23rd, 2010
8:28 am

Do we need to give up privacy to be in a relationship?

All privacy? Definately not. However, you shouldn’t be doing anything you’d be afraid of getting caught by your s/o. It’s all too true that what’s done in the dark, comes to the light.

How do you handle dating drama caused by Facebook, Twitter, personal blogs, etc.?

I don’t fool with facebook and twitter, people who need to get in touch with me know how. If nothing else my parent’s phone number has not changed in like 35 years, my mother will deliver a message. She won’t give you my number but she will give me yours.

CMS

March 23rd, 2010
8:42 am

One question that always played around in my mind was about you Wise Diva. Since you’re job requires you to blog and be somewhat transparent has it been the root of a dating MisAdventure?

Professor

March 23rd, 2010
8:59 am

Hola!

Nope we should not have to give up privacy to be in a relationship, HOWEVER we should not be in a relationship hiding things either.

kinderbabe--40 days to liberation and counting!!!

March 23rd, 2010
9:01 am

I agree that misuse of technology can lead to some ugly situations in relationships. For folks who always keep mess going, it’s just another way to behave badly. I let my sweetie see my FB page regularly to show him pics and such since he is not on FB. There is nothing for me to hide so I don’t mind. Now texts are a different story…lol. I would feel highly offended if my phone was looked through. That is my mode of communication w/my girlfriends. That’s something that I would not want to disclose to my guy. I offer him the same consideration also by not looking through his phone for texts, calls, etc.

Raqi

March 23rd, 2010
9:02 am

I don’t have a problem with my husband reading my emails or blog now that he is my husband.

But you know what I don’t get? When two people are out together yet they both spend the entire time on the blackberry and/or smart phones. I don’t get that. I saw this couple that was walking ahead of me and my companion that was obviously a couple because they displayed unmistakable PDA on the way into the restaurant. However once they were seated within minutes they both were pecking away on their hand units. They looked up long enough to say a word or two to the other but that was it.

One other time I saw this pair that was mother and daughter. When the mother walked up the daughter said ‘thanks for meeting me for lunch mom”. After being seated the daughter within minutes after giving the waiter her order pulled out her blackberry and never looked away for the rest of her meal. The mother soon pulled out a book and read while she ate.

Call me old fashion but I just don’t get it.

We as people are losing our personal connections. I go out with other people because I enjoy their company. I can go out alone if all I am going to do is have my face buried in a phone.

kinderbabe--40 days to liberation and counting!!!

March 23rd, 2010
9:07 am

i agree Raqi. i see that often w/friends, families and couples out at restaurants. it’s terribly rude to be distracted when you are supposed to be enjoying each other’s company. sometimes i think that ppl are addicted to these devices.

Raqi

March 23rd, 2010
9:08 am

Kinderbabe, I agree. It’s a matter of trust.

However I would have problem if when I asked to use his phone he denied me the privilege. And I know he would have a problem with me not allowing him to use mine. Or better yet if I asked to use it and he had to scroll thru it or delete stuff before handing it to me. That would not go over too well with me.

I have nothing to hide from him. He has nothing to hide from me.

SlimOne on autopilot

March 23rd, 2010
9:13 am

Good morning and Happy Tipsy Titillating Tuesday ;-)

“We as people are losing our personal connections”

Raqi- I agree with you there. It also, in a way, causes us to more emotionally disconnected hence more desensitized to certain things. Just like that story in New York, I believe where a guy had been exchanging text messages to his girlfriend via the girlfriends’ phone. However, the friend sent a response back that he didn’t like, so he went up to the school and beat the girl up, stomping her head which put her into a coma, and no one stopped him during this beat down. :shock:

Raqi

March 23rd, 2010
9:13 am

They are addicted, kinderbabe.

When we are at home my husband and I very seldom use our cell phones. The only time you may see one of us using it is to retrieve a number from it or if one of is on the landline and someone calls for the other we will tell them to call on the cell phone if they need to speak to us immediately.

And if someone calls us while we are out together I either don’t answer or answer long enough to see if it’s an emergency. If it isn’t I tell them I will get back to them. I do the same thing when I am out with my friends. I will take a call from my husband, kids or father. Other than that I have to call you back.

kinderbabe--40 days to liberation and counting!!!

March 23rd, 2010
9:15 am

Raqi, absolutely…if he asked me to use the phone, i would let him w/o a doubt. he has done the same. i am open about that though b/c i know he’s not trying to be slick and “check” my phone..lol. you are so right, if you there’s some deleting going on that’s not a good sign. i would be quite ruffled about that too.

i sometimes feel that when ppl are “looking” for something, they often misinterpret things because they want to be right. you know what i mean? almost as if they want to validate the insecurities they have. sometimes that action defies common sense.

Leggs

March 23rd, 2010
9:16 am

Good morning! No digital drama, no analog drama…no drama!

@Prof – mail call.

TiffTaff

March 23rd, 2010
9:22 am

I think it really depends on how long you have been in the relationship. If it’s early on then that’s a problem. In the early stages of a relationship you are still weeding out ppl and things from your past in order to make room for this new person. So, the likelihood of them coming across something that they don’t like is greater. However, as the relationship progresses those ppl and things should be long gone and full access should not be a problem.

@ms_jones74

March 23rd, 2010
9:24 am

What bothered me about this episode was the expectation that the guy would ‘change’ for the girl, because she meant so much to him. A woman cannot change a man. Ever. I was incredibly frustrated watching the young couple especially because it was a case of ‘do as I say and not as I do’. She couldn’t even yell at him in complete sentences because she couldn’t take her eyes off of her own phone, and yet she wanted her boyfriend to change.

How you got him is how you’ll lose him. Rule of thumb.

As for the older couple, I did understand that she was frustrated with his phone use, but chick was nag. I wanted to punch them both! I did agree that dude needed boundaries and at a certain time of night, the phone needs to turn off.

I am big into technology, I like to stay connected but when I am out with friends and family I am out and the phone is put away. If I disappear from the internets, it’s because I am dating someone. I’d rather BE with him than sit online talking about being with him.

i'm swiss

March 23rd, 2010
9:38 am

@Raqi — Maybe the couple were “sexting” each other… :lol:

Sassy Me...juicy fruit :-)

March 23rd, 2010
9:39 am

It sounds exhausting and kind of stupid. What do you think?

I think that sums it up…it is exhausting and kind of stupid. As adults we all want privacy and should have it deservedly so. Each couple has to establish their own boundaries with regards to what crosses the line as (un)acceptable. I’ve never made it a habit to go through any of my S.O.s personal things and vice versa…I mean if I have to play CIA covert behind my mate’s back is it really worth it? Alot of times when you go looking for shyt you find it…and it ain’t always what you went looking for.

Dig That

March 23rd, 2010
9:39 am

I love technology and probably have more gadgets than I know what to do with but if you are out on a date and the other person is texting, tweeting or consumed with any other thing other than sharing that quality time then it may be safe to assume they have A.D.D., a rare disease that worsens with letting go of the phone, or maybe they are just not into you.

Melo

March 23rd, 2010
9:40 am

Morning pple!

Im old fashioned too.The moment I enter the house,if Queen was talking to one of her gerlz,she will promptly say,”oh my hubby is here,talk to u later gerl!” and drop that ish quick.

Well,she didnt always know,early on….being younger ofcourse.

Untill I told her,”Im priority #1″

Dig That

March 23rd, 2010
9:41 am

Alot of times when you go looking for shyt you find it…

@Sassy
So true.

SlimOne on autopilot

March 23rd, 2010
9:42 am

I personally think it’s rude to be out with someone and they text the whole time. I can see if they have a child and need to do a quick check in or address an issue, but to sit there having an all out convo is just Unacceptable

SlimOne on autopilot

March 23rd, 2010
9:43 am

I’ll never forget a time when an ex of mine printed out my cell phone history. He confronted me like, who were you talking to at 11:56 at night for 41 minutes?!! :shock:

Professor

March 23rd, 2010
9:43 am

@swiss that is a good thought…how fun would that be sitting there sexting and getting all primed up for dessert :grin:

Tazzee - 51 days til Mrs.

March 23rd, 2010
9:44 am

Morning Folks!

Glad I’m getting a chance to jump in before we’re at 200+ comments.

I’m pretty connected. When I’m home, I use my phone to surf the internet more than my laptop because it’s more convenient. It has presented an issue in our relationship sometimes when I’m surfing the internet and he’s talking to me. I’m trying to work on that. On the other side – sometimes when he’s over, I can’t pull him away from the computer. If I’m folding laundry, sometimes I want to talk to him – he’d rather play on the computer. When I’m out with him or friends, I put the phone away. I only pull it out if the other party does. I really hate when folks talk on the phone at the table, but sometimes it can’t be helped and if I’m dining with someone and they get to talking, I get to surfing.

As far as privacy, I’ve always been a transparent person – there is nothing that my fiance’ doesn’t have access to. I’ve told him about my blog – he doesn’t want to read it. We are FB friends – and all my closest friends are his friends. When my iPhone broke, he gave me one of his to use. Anything that looks like it could be misconstrued, we tell one another. Although he has more of those instances than I do simply because some of his clients try to hit on him.

Kym

March 23rd, 2010
9:45 am

Good Morning All,

I read this article this morning and thought since we talk so much about adultry and cheating here it was quite interesting.

A woman facing a $9 million judgment for having an affair with a married man plans to appeal.

Anne Lundquist, 49 , now of Aurora, N.Y. , said Thursday the court system did not give her enough warning about when the case was going to trial and did not grant her a continuance to prepare. She had decided to represent herself because she could not hire an attorney.

“I’m so caught off guard by everything,” Lundquist said in a telephone interview. “I don’t have a lot of money, so where this $9 million comes from is kind of hysterical.”

Lundquist said she is trying to find a North Carolina attorney to handle the appeal and look into whether the courts followed procedure in notifying her of court dates.

She did not attend, nor was she represented by an attorney, at the two-day trial earlier this week.

On Tuesday , a jury awarded Cynthia Shackelford money for alienation of affections, criminal conversation (legal speak for adultery) and intentionally or recklessly causing severe emotional distress.

North Carolina remains one of a few states that allow someone to sue the person who interferes in a marriage — called alienation of affection. More than 200 such cases are filed statewide in an average year, according to the Rosen law firm in Raleigh.

Shackelford, 60 , now of Raleigh , sued Lundquist in 2007 , charging that the younger woman’s affair with her husband ruined their marriage.

Shackelford said her husband, Allan Shackelford, met Lundquist while providing legal services for Guilford College . Lundquist was the dean for campus life at the private school.

Court records show Cynthia Shackelford remains married to Allan Shackelford, 62 . They have been separated since 2005 pending divorce proceedings.

Lundquist and Allan Shackelford contend the Shackelfords’ marriage was irreparable before their relationship began. They remain a couple and live together in Aurora, N.Y. Lundquist is the dean of students at Wells College , a small private school.

Professor

March 23rd, 2010
9:45 am

@melo

Are you okay with Queen getting back on the phone once she hears all about your day and all is well…I am thinking like talking to one of her girls while she prepares dinner

Raqi

March 23rd, 2010
9:48 am

Melo, you are a mess. LOL

I don’t hang up the phone because my husband walks into the house. Yeah I love him and all but it ain’t at all like that. And he doesn’t require that neither do I.

But I will not sit at the dinner table and be on the phone. Nor will I go out with him and spend the whole evening texting, surfing the web or chatting on the phone with someone else. I usually write on my spot or in my personal journal while in the tub. When I do update those while sitting in the bed I don’t do so shutting him out. He is asleep, not in the room or watching something on the television.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit :-)

March 23rd, 2010
9:49 am

That’s what up ya Dig. What I don’t understand is when (wo)men go looking for sumthing,they find it and get upset…what for? Really and truly,isn’t that what you wanted in the first place?

Raqi

March 23rd, 2010
9:53 am

My “Captain” uniform just arrived here at my office. Imma take it on the cruise us.

Imma “cheat” (lol) and let you all see the one I bought. I found it on the web. Let me get to the site. I hope the blogmaster allows the link to go thru.

One sec….

Tazzee - 51 days til Mrs.

March 23rd, 2010
9:53 am

I hang up the phone when the Mr. walks in – I suspect that will change once we’re living together, but usually when he walks in we haven’t seen one another in a few days.

I have had to talk to him about coming in the house on the phone, giving me a quiet peck and then staying on the phone for 30 minutes. Especially when I can tell the call is personal and not related to business.

Raqi

March 23rd, 2010
9:54 am

Melo

March 23rd, 2010
9:54 am

Are you okay with Queen getting back on the phone once she hears all about your day and all is well

Prof??

I spend 8 hrs on the job,with the massa foot on my neck and his watchful eye glancing at me and away from Queen, and i have to share the time when i get home with her other heiffer friends???

NO! I aint cool with that.

Now,smebody can call her to talk etc but she has to respectfully keep the time to a minimum. She’s a mum and wife and we have to have time to talk about our jobs,the day gone by,the kids as well as other stuff…..

I dont mind her facebooking,much later in the evening….

SlimOne on autopilot

March 23rd, 2010
9:54 am

Question: when you are dating someone and whenever they leave the room, let’s say to just go to the bathroom and they always take their phone in there, would you see that as suspicious behavior?

Raqi

March 23rd, 2010
9:56 am

but usually when he walks in we haven’t seen one another in a few days.

Tazzee, that’s different. You two only get to see each every so often. That will change once you are married and living together. I doubt that he would demand that type of attention from you as his wife.

DreamsMaterialize

March 23rd, 2010
9:56 am

Morning
If you are the type to start/allow drama, then there will be drama, “analog” or “digital”.

I have nothing to hide, but I like my privacy. You’re grown, and I don’t care about your phone records, emails, text history, etc. I don’t monitor grown people, and no one monitors me. If we can respect that about each other, then we’ll be fine.

Raqi

March 23rd, 2010
9:57 am

would you see that as suspicious behavior?

Yep SlimOne. I would call foul on that one.

SlimOne on autopilot

March 23rd, 2010
9:58 am

Whenever I talk to my married girlfriend I can always tell when her hubby is around, because she’ll begin talking in ‘code’ so-to-speak or comment in a more filtered way. I think it’s funny. For whatever reason, I guess the way folks talk around their SO’s isn’t necessarily the way they talk more freely when the SO is not around.

Tazzee - 51 days til Mrs.

March 23rd, 2010
9:59 am

Kym – I heard about that lawsuit. Men losing $$ for cheating hasn’t seemed to be a deterrent, but it might for the mistresses.

jandy

March 23rd, 2010
10:00 am

Technology has allowed to become social misfits and to “be” in ‘two’ many places at one time. I have seen women I have wanted to approach but they have been so into their phones that I thought, ‘what’s the point?’
Maybe we should learn from the G-Tech basketball team last week. They put away their phones for their first tourney game adn actually started talking to each other – 4 months and 30 games later. Tells you something aobut ‘teamwork’.

Leggs

March 23rd, 2010
10:04 am

@Raqi ~ that’s hot!

It is very rude to text while out on a date with another. Plain and simple.

Professor

March 23rd, 2010
10:07 am

Melo~I gotcha

SlimOne on autopilot

March 23rd, 2010
10:07 am

Raqi – the powers that be won’t allow me to view it. :-(

kimmie

March 23rd, 2010
10:08 am

Morning bloggers and bloggettes!

I mean if I have to play CIA covert behind my mate’s back is it really worth it?

This statement says it all to me. Me & SO have nothing to hide, but we allow each other privacy & space too. We both have our phones within each other’s reach, but we don’t answer them unless one asks the other to. If I don’t have mine on hand and need to make a call, he has no problem letting me use his. While I have total access, I don’t go thru any of his things. It’s an invasion I would not want done to me. If something is going on foul, I’ll find out in due time, no need to go looking for it. A friend of mine regularly searches thru her husband’s phone & email & FB. She criticized her sister for not “checking up on her man” after her sister’s husbands infidelity was discovered.

And yes, it is the ultimate rude to be on the phone or texting when you are supposed to be out with someone, especially at the table.

AmazonRed™

March 23rd, 2010
10:08 am

Morning all –

I do think we need to give up privacy in relationships. Years ago, email wasn’t common and landlines were the primary phone. If you were doing dirt, you had to go to a phone booth or have some special ring. You had to go out of your way.

Now a days, you have your own phone, email, bank accounts. And when a person asks you about it, you get defensive or feel its intrusive.

I think there needs to be more transparency in relationships. If I call my sister’s cell, her husband will pick up if she’s not there. They have trust. Many people find that crazy that they’d answer each other’s phones. That’s sad to me.

Kym

March 23rd, 2010
10:09 am

@Tazzee..I thought that same thing. 9 million seems a bit excessive..but what I found funny is the wife sued for the affection but not for divorce. I guess they are still working out the details on that.

On topic..I am big on privacy even in relationships..but I do find it rude to text while talking or spend hours on the phone when you should be giving your SO or kids your attention. Not sure I would take to well so some joker reading my text messages..I need to ponder that.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit :-)

March 23rd, 2010
10:09 am

let’s say to just go to the bathroom and they always take their phone in there, would you see that as suspicious behavior?

Yes..either that or they’ve probably had someone go through their phone before and think you might,too…could be a trust issue.

AmazonRed™

March 23rd, 2010
10:10 am

Six belly dance classes for $25 found here: http://livingsocial.com/

Get your shimmy on like Staceye!

kimmie

March 23rd, 2010
10:11 am

Dreams – Your 9:56, I agree totally.

AmazonRed™

March 23rd, 2010
10:11 am

Question: when you are dating someone and whenever they leave the room, let’s say to just go to the bathroom and they always take their phone in there, would you see that as suspicious behavior?

SlimOne – My ex did this. He did it from day one though, so I figured it wasn’t about me. But yes, he wasn’t the most trustworthy guy either!

kimmie

March 23rd, 2010
10:16 am

Amred – I think that if you establish transparency & trust, you will have privacy kinda automatically. Call me naive, but that’s just the way I’ve always sort have run my relationships. I have the access, but I don’t spend my time going thru his emails & phone. I think every human being should have a certain level of privacy, but that’s me.

kimmie

March 23rd, 2010
10:16 am

Slim – Yes, it would be suspicious.

SlimOne on autopilot

March 23rd, 2010
10:17 am

Ared & Sassy

For the most part my phone is locked with a code (blackberry) because if I were to lose it, the thief would have too much access to my personal things. So I don’t have to take my phone with me to pee. However, i would think it strange if the person had to break their back to make sure they had the phone on them at all times.

Ok, so we are in the world of music & ringtones. So of course folks will have certain ringtones for certain people. Ever been with a SO and heard a ringtone you may have thought inappropriate to have for another person of the opposite sex?

Dude out with a chick, her phone rings, “Boyfriend #2 plays”, he’s now looking at her sideways. :lol: