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Single again

One of the trickiest things to deal with post-break up is “reclaiming yourself” so to speak.  For example, you rediscover your friends.  I’m talking the great ones that don’t hold grudges because you all but disappear from the land of the living with your boo.  You get back to doing the things that only you enjoy doing — out in the open, without fear of getting strange looks from your significant other.

You will also have to adjust to sleeping alone again, cooking for one, and having to find a “plus one” for parties.  Sounds slightly depressing, doesn’t it?  Whether you were the dumper or dumpee, you are probably dealing with some kind of emotion. Guys, you can call it something else, if you want to, but you go through “something” too!

What are the best ways to deal with break-ups?  I am referring to the bad breakups that make you feel as if you’ve gone a couple of rounds with Pacquiao – except you actually landed tough punches.

How do you adjust to life after <insert wonderful/horrible ex-mate’s name here>?  Does it help when you are able to forge a friendship with the person? Is that even a good idea?

Your turn: What is the best way to handle a break up?

View Results

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539 comments Add your comment

Raqi...Recently separated from Ben & Jerry

March 22nd, 2010
10:18 am

SexyCool, aside from other reasons, that what you experienced in the reason I will not do face book. You are not the first person that I have heard that by accepting a friend request an ex has made an inappropriate comment or assumed something to be there that clearly wasn’t. One of my bffs deleted her page altogether. It’s seems a couple of exes found her and assumed something because she accepted the request. And that caused problems with her husband.

JtJ

March 22nd, 2010
10:21 am

@ Raqi..your seperation from Ben & Jerry must be just as hard as mine from Milky Way with his dark chocolate self!!

@ SexyC- Ol’ dude might’ve tried…..willing to risk his family for a chance to hook back up with an ex….smh

SexyCool...

March 22nd, 2010
10:26 am

In hindsight, it was not a real surprise considering how he was when we dated all those years ago. (Which is also why it never went past some dates and a hook up or two over about three or four months.) I realized he came with a special brand of bllsht back then.

Carlito

March 22nd, 2010
10:30 am

Single Again? Nope not me, I can’t comment on that one. I have to much to be happy about :)

Friends with an ex? If there is enough to salvage a friendship, how is there not enough to salvage the relationship. And what male or female,in your new relationship, is going to be okay with you being friends and buddy buddy with your ex, whom you used to love and “bump uglies with”?

PrincessNIk

March 22nd, 2010
10:30 am

My ex and I are cordial, because we have kids, but when he trys to be all buddy-buddy, his feelings get hurt when he realizes that he misses what he had. Then, he turns into Dr. Jekyll (sp) and tells me don’t call him or text unless it is about the kids. I am then thinking to myslef, nicca, that’s the only time I call or text you, you the one who try to go down memory lane!!

JTJ same here (except one Kid)

Morning all

SexyCool...

March 22nd, 2010
10:31 am

Carlito – I actually thought about you last night. Wondered how your weekend went. Glad to see you smiling.

AmazonRed™

March 22nd, 2010
10:32 am

I couldn’t do it. Not to mention since we broke up that probably means there is some strife between us that I wouldn’t want you around me anyway.

:idea:

Lady24k

March 22nd, 2010
10:33 am

GO to the Gym and work out..It will help you shed all that “HAPPY WEIGHT” and you may meet some new freinds in the process

Raqi...Recently separated from Ben & Jerry

March 22nd, 2010
10:33 am

My ex and I are cordial, because we have kids

JtJ, that there is how I am with my son’s father. I thought at the beginning he and I could be friends for the kid’s sake but I found out quickly that it would never work. Now that the boy is 15 his father and I hardly ever speak. The boy is old enough to go to his father’s house and return without much interaction from me.

When he was much younger I would see him out to the car and go out to the car to get him when he was returned home. Now I don’t need to do that. He just let’s me know when he is leaving and let’s me know when he gets home.

Next year he will probably have a car of his own and his will not even need to come to the house to pick him up.

Tweti

March 22nd, 2010
10:35 am

Wow…I feel like the village idiot. I’m friends (WITHOUT benefits) with all of my ex’s. My ex-husband and I are actually best friends; just got off the phone with him…talked about how his new baby is keeping him and the Missus up all night! My family gave a birthday party for my Papa on Saturday…2 of my ex’s, as well as my current S.O., were in attendance. Everybody gets along fine. I’ll get some counseling, since this behavior is clearly unheard of and unacceptable in most circles! LOL.

Leggs

March 22nd, 2010
10:38 am

@BitOHoney ~ Congratulations. I love babies, esp. girls.

@Carlito ~ “…If there is enough to salvage a friendship, how is there not enough to salvage the relationship” Great point, and glad you’re taking your own advice…I see you smiling way over here!

My ex will forever be in my life due to lil leggs, but I don’t like him!

Professor

March 22nd, 2010
10:39 am

@Tweti it is great you are able to keep the frienship ties.

PrincessNIk

March 22nd, 2010
10:40 am

@Tweti

nobody is saying it COULDN’T happen, i think most of us just haven’t come across an ex that was worth maintaining a true diehard friendship with. as for me i have enough male friends that i don’t need to throw any ex’s into the mix.

Raqi...Recently separated from Ben & Jerry

March 22nd, 2010
10:40 am

Tweti, no need for the counseling. LOL What works for some doesn’t work for all.
I have to agree with Carlito in saying if there is a salvageable friendship why not still be in a relationship. Part of what makes a relationship great is friendship that you have. And then many relationships start out as friendships so what’s to prevent the backwash after you have gotten into another relationship.

SexyCool...

March 22nd, 2010
10:40 am

Well, no…in a situation like that, the village *idiot* is not what I would call you.

Who wants to be around that many dudes that they have related with at one time?

AmazonRed™

March 22nd, 2010
10:40 am

Yes…I love Facebook.

I was trying to be friends with an ex…but he was letting me know that he was factoring me into his future. He was talking marriage, kids, travel, the whole nine. I got suspicious about all this “talk” and no action… so I went to Facebook. There I found out he is very much involved with someone else. Upon confronting him, he lied about it.

Yes…I LOVE Facebook!!!

Sassy Me...juicy fruit :-)

March 22nd, 2010
10:41 am

What are the best ways to deal with break-ups? I am referring to the bad breakups that make you feel as if you’ve gone a couple of rounds with Pacquiao – except you actually landed tough punches.

For me going through a break up is like mourning…and for me the best way to deal with it is to allow myself to go through those feelings,the hurt and the tears. I retreat into myself and just fall back so to speak…while I heal. During this process I remove all visible reminders and erase phone numbers and finally I resign myself to the fact that this isn’t the first break up and it won’t be the last as I realize that I’m gone be just fine,fine,fine.

Does it help when you are able to forge a friendship with the person? Is that even a good idea? Unless children are involved and/or the breakup wasn’t “bad” then maybe but other than that I feel like you’re my ex for a reason so kick rocks….

Liza

March 22nd, 2010
10:42 am

I exited a 22 year marriage a while ago. It was absolutely necessary to leave and I am 100% sure of that.

The best part about being single again is that I have reconnected with friends, and now put a lot more effort into growing and maintaining friendships — both with female friends and with couples.

I am entering the dating world again and am really comfortalbe with it because i. I know I am just fine being single, 2. I’ll meet new people and 3. regardless of what happens, I’ll surely have some great new stories to tell!

All this to say, embrace where you are in your life and LIVE LIFE.

Dar

March 22nd, 2010
10:43 am

It is kinda easy to take the high road and say “let’s be friends” when you are the dumper. However, if I were the dumpee it would be a good long while before I could really be friends and it would depend on how the dumping was handled. I have been officially dumped once and he will never deserve my friendship because he cheated, lied, crapped all over me about it and then walked out on me and our child. Why in the world would I ever want to be friends with someone like that? My X has virtually none of the qualities that I would look for in an acquaintance better yet an actual friend. I am civil because we must co-parent, but I have no desire to be anything more and I am getting stronger every day and more able to shut him down with his seemingly constant need to speak with me about what is going on in his life (he is alone, broke, in debt and miserable….poor bad choice making baby). They say there is a very fine line between love and hate, that the two are in the middle of the scale rather than at opposite ends; after what I have gone through over the last two years with my X I finally understand that. Peace and love to all.

Carlito

March 22nd, 2010
10:43 am

Sexy Cool, We had a great weekend, Friday was wonderful. I went to the Farmer’s Market and got all of the ingredients to make some homemade sauce. We had dinner and just hung out at home. I woke up Saturday morning to the smell of breakfast :) As I went to the basement to smoke my Saturday Veggies, my stash spot was empty. Long story short she threw away my “greens”. Ehhh, small price to pay, I need to stop smoking the “icky” anyway. We had breakfast, went out driving and tried to get lost. We never made it to Leopard Lounge, as we did not want to be around large groups of other people. Sunday morning we went to church and the message was spot on. Right before we left the Pastor started to pray and while he was pray I put my arm around her and she leaned in. I fully realized that I am her covering, that felt good :) . We came back to my house put on our pj’s, lounged and watched basketball all day. This morning I took her back to the airport, all in all great weekend. How was yours?

Leggs

March 22nd, 2010
10:44 am

@Tweti ~ I too am friends with all of my ex’s but there’s only one I don’t care for. I was going through some papers last night and came across my wedding planner, and when I saw his mother’s name I almost puked. I’m so glad I have no dealings with her and even wished to myself I had no dealings with him. But, that’s not case.

Liza

March 22nd, 2010
10:44 am

@Tweti 10:30 a.m.: Good for you, do what works for you! Don’t worry about what anybody else thinks.

PrincessNIk

March 22nd, 2010
10:45 am

They say there is a very fine line between love and hate, that the two are in the middle of the scale rather than at opposite ends;

:idea:

AmazonRed™

March 22nd, 2010
10:46 am

Long story short she threw away my “greens”. Ehhh, small price to pay, I need to stop smoking the “icky” anyway.

:lol:

And Leopard Lounge has been redone and is now ER Lounge now!

Tweti

March 22nd, 2010
10:46 am

@ Sexy…what does my prior relations with these people have to do with anything? These people were not only a part of my life, but my family as well. Their attendance has nothing to do with me…it has to do with showing their love to my Papa, the patriach of my family, and a man that they admire and respect. And not that it matters, but they brought their S.O.’s as well. My past with them is just that – PAST, period. I’m sure no one there sat around and wondered about our “relations.” I know I didn’t. But thanks for putting an immature twist on something genuine.

JtJ

March 22nd, 2010
10:49 am

Wow @Tweti..we didn’t say it couldn’t happen, it just hasn’t happened in that way for us. I would feel very awkward though being with that many ex’s at the same time, same place–Whew, do you girl!!

I know of a couple who hang out with the wife’s ex-husband and the mistress he left her for. Granted, it took them about 10 years to get to that point, but the ex-wife goes to lunch and shopping with the new wife. Whatever floats thier boat!

M. (pronouced M dot)

March 22nd, 2010
10:50 am

Morning.

Being friends is not a good idea. It’s cool to be cordial with that person, but its best that you two dont see each other. Being cordial meaning not telling your business. You dont have to tell your ex what you are doing now. It’s none of their business. Pick up the pieces and move on. We need to acknowledge our roles in what went wrong, accept it and move on. I think we mess up because we use our experience as baggage and we sabotage our future relationships. We talk about our ex’s to much and we give them to much power over our future relationships.

The best way to deal with breakups is to look at yourself and focus on you. Hit the gym, travel, do what you want, stay out to 5am, just do something that will get you outside of the scope of what happened. Its natural to blame yourself but just move forward.

Another issue is that we look back at all that we wasted, time, money, energy, and missing out on other potential mates. We need to realize our time is valuable so we need to just move on and not waste any more time worrying about them.

Plus you know what they say, somebody new helps you get over somebody old. I noticed that when I am hanging with a new woman, I dont even think about my ex. I am just worried about this woman and our dynamics and how we will interact.

Leggs

March 22nd, 2010
10:50 am

@Carlito ~ you are sprung!! You even shrugged off her throwing away your “greens.” Good for you!

Sassy Me...juicy fruit :-)

March 22nd, 2010
10:51 am

Long story short she threw away my “greens”.

:shock: WHAT?!

Now see….just don’t up and throw my shyt away…come and ask me first or sumthing….just don’t throw my shyt awaaay

Raqi...Recently separated from Ben & Jerry

March 22nd, 2010
10:52 am

I’m sure no one there sat around and wondered about our “relations”.

Tweti, you would be surprised. LOL

Professor

March 22nd, 2010
10:53 am

@Tweti I think it is cool that everyone came out to see your dad to me it shows your dad is a great guy, and you have the ability to keep things in order and move on.

Tweti

March 22nd, 2010
10:54 am

One of the ex’s has been in the family for 16 years. The other for 13. If after that amount of time I can’t be in the same room with these folks without holding a grudge, I really do need some counseling. I refuse to let anyone have me emotionally/mentally/physically bound, regardless of how it ended. Life. Goes. On.

Carlito

March 22nd, 2010
10:56 am

AmazonRed, thanks for the heads up. I would have been looking stupid if I would have driven down there. :)

Leggs, you did not have to say it like that. LOL :) But yes, I am happy.

Single again, back on the prowl..kinda

March 22nd, 2010
10:57 am

I am currently “rediscovering” myself. I can’t believe how many hobbies I gave up in order to spend more time with him. When you lose yourself in a relationship it’s pretty much doomed. Ironically, I feel like the weight of the world is off of my shoulders now. Here’s to new hobbies.

Tweti

March 22nd, 2010
10:58 am

@ Raqi – my ex’s weren’t the only ex’s there. There were several people there who were either married to or involved with members of the family at some point in time. So, this is our “normal”. We would have found it odd if these people did NOT show up.

@ Professor – he’s the “best-est”!!

SexyCool...

March 22nd, 2010
10:58 am

Um, yeah…so, Tweti – do what works for you, honeybunch.

That is all.

AmazonRed™

March 22nd, 2010
10:59 am

Tweti – Good for you. It just shows you picked folks who were actual compatable to you and your personality.

I am friends with one ex. He propositioned me the whole time he was engaged. He’s cut it out now that he’s married. It’s stuff like that that make it rather difficult to remain friends with someone.

There was a bigger picture that I chose to focus on (he’s a great business contact and resource) and we did have a good friendship before we broke up so that helped. But a lot of friendships are just “friendly” after the romantic relationship ends.

Grace

March 22nd, 2010
10:59 am

I have absolutely no reason for being friends with an ex. I can be cool with him because I still have to share the globe with him, but I would not call him my friend not even virtual(FB,twitter) or go out my way for us to stay active in each other lives. I can’t go from being in a relationship where it was all lovey dubby with promises and such to being friends even if the break-up wasn’t ugly.

kinderbabe--41 days to liberation and counting!!!

March 22nd, 2010
11:00 am

after one of my worst breakups, i found my true love. i think it was mostly b/c i was committed to the idea of appreciating me for who i am/was, no matter what. it was then, that someone finally saw me for “me.” i am grateful. so glad i didn’t waste time trying to cultivate a friendship w/an ex who was never my friend in the first place. oh what a revelation! lol

Tweti

March 22nd, 2010
11:01 am

Um, yeah…so, Sexy – I am, honeybunch.

Thanks.

SexyCool...

March 22nd, 2010
11:02 am

It is interesting to read my FB page this morning and see how the responses to the passing lf the healthcare bill are vastly different based on a certain characteristic.

M. (pronouced M dot)

March 22nd, 2010
11:03 am

Also people need to be careful of the Ex’s wanting to remain friends because they will try to use you as security, backup, and an ego boost. If a woman is in a drought, they need to know they are desired by someone. Women really like to do this from time to time. Im sure guys do this to.

Carlito

March 22nd, 2010
11:04 am

Sassy, it was the one thing she always did not like about me since I have known her. Soooo, I did not put up to much of a fight. And it does not hurt that my Julia is very convincing in heels….yes just heels…nothing else on….at all. Heels with nothing else on early in the morning with a glass of wine after breakfast…..Yes I will take that every Saturday rather than my “greens” any weekend. Ok I will digress, going to stop being a sap on here.

Tweti, how many ex’s do you have over the past 16 years? I don’t think anyone is judging you, it is just odd that you keep them all around, in my humble opinion.

Lady J

March 22nd, 2010
11:04 am

it was then, that someone finally saw me for “me.” i am grateful. so glad i didn’t waste time trying to cultivate a friendship w/an ex who was never my friend in the first place. oh what a revelation! lol

That is on the money KB!!!!!!

AmazonRed™

March 22nd, 2010
11:05 am

Carlito – So it sounds like you got some this weekend. Good for you (and her). :lol:

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

March 22nd, 2010
11:06 am

Hello from thousands of miles away.

No good answer. If a person can date just to socialize, then dating quickly is okay. Involvement is dangerous though. One has not given oneself time to “rediscover” who he/she is. In addition, getting involved is just anaesthesia, the wound is not healing until someone goes through the processes…

■Denial
■Anger
■Resentment and fear
■Withdrawal and grieving
■Acceptance
■Action

You cannot circumvent these steps by getting involved. It is like a football player with a compound fracture…the pills may take the pain away but eventually the wound has to heal.

Luvbug

March 22nd, 2010
11:06 am

Now see….just don’t up and throw my shyt away…come and ask me first or sumthing….just don’t throw my shyt awaaay

Sassy- Now that is not fair. Everyone does not know what that stuff is. To SOME it looks like ashes…especially if it is in an ash tray and you have never seen it before in your life…and you are cleaning up around the house.

I’m not incriminating myself…just sayin it can happen. :lol:

RelldaRake - the nasty song as me sore

March 22nd, 2010
11:07 am

I really do need some counseling. I refuse to let anyone have me emotionally/mentally/physically bound, regardless of how it ended. Life. Goes. On.

- i feel you on the bound part…but for me the sequel is never better than the original…so i just choose to be a different person..so they no longer fit…no hate…i just dont know them anymore..and thing is they always come back with some half arse apology or life changing moment where they feel like i should not have left you…i am lke sexy cool…lets just call it friends and keep life moving

Leggs

March 22nd, 2010
11:08 am

@ARed ~ curious :arrow: :He propositioned me the whole time he was engaged. He’s cut it out now that he’s married.” Yeah, probably propositioning someone else.

Why didn’t he ask to marry you since before you all became “ex’s?

SexyCool...

March 22nd, 2010
11:08 am

Carlito – Spend time with myself Friday night. Went running Saturday morning. Saturday midday, went to the bridesmaid dress fitting. Saturday afternoon, spent an uncomfortable hour on the back of a bike. (I’m way too old for that mess.) Slept in Sunday morning and Sunday afternoon, TheDude and I also spent time on the couch, watching all the basketball we could stand (What the Wocka Flocka happened to GTech?), ordered pizza and napped off and on – sans the pj’s.

Oh…decided that we were rooting for *the cowboys* on The Amazing Race last night.