accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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Single again

One of the trickiest things to deal with post-break up is “reclaiming yourself” so to speak.  For example, you rediscover your friends.  I’m talking the great ones that don’t hold grudges because you all but disappear from the land of the living with your boo.  You get back to doing the things that only you enjoy doing — out in the open, without fear of getting strange looks from your significant other.

You will also have to adjust to sleeping alone again, cooking for one, and having to find a “plus one” for parties.  Sounds slightly depressing, doesn’t it?  Whether you were the dumper or dumpee, you are probably dealing with some kind of emotion. Guys, you can call it something else, if you want to, but you go through “something” too!

What are the best ways to deal with break-ups?  I am referring to the bad breakups that make you feel as if you’ve gone a couple of rounds with Pacquiao – except you actually landed tough punches.

How do you adjust to life after <insert wonderful/horrible ex-mate’s name here>?  Does it help when you are able to forge a friendship with the person? Is that even a good idea?

Your turn: What is the best way to handle a break up?

View Results

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539 comments Add your comment

Jeff

March 22nd, 2010
8:11 am

Being close friends doesn’t work. Being socially cordial is fine.

I go for a nice long, slow run. I allow a mourning period, strip club, go get some food I gave up because she didn’t like it, reclaim my house as having my influence only, etc. Basically, piece by piece purge her from my life. But unlike women, I don’t burn her stuff, scratch her car, write bad stuff about her on the internet, degrade her bedroom skills, call her family members, etc.

Jeff

March 22nd, 2010
8:12 am

Nananana, plsst (tongue stuck out). I’m first.

Lady J

March 22nd, 2010
8:19 am

lmao jeff that’s a great high to be first huh! lol

Lady J

March 22nd, 2010
8:26 am

hmmmmm a friendship with the ex……..have to agree with the 1st poster socially sure close not at all….my record with being friends with ex lovers is pretty low….one has challenge me with remaining friends and I guess I have embraced it somewhat…..it’s periodically hello how are you etc every blue moon……other than that I don’t….I don’t see the purpose really….I have my own set of friends male and female and we were lovers not friends per se……it is just not the same to me…..

have a great day folks!

Raqi...Recently separated from Ben & Jerry

March 22nd, 2010
8:47 am

Break Ups are hard to do. I don’t think remaining friends is the best way to go. I couldn’t do it. Being cordial is one thing, but claiming to be friends is just too crazy for me.

The one thing that I learned about breaking up is you need time for it to truly register in your mind. It needs to process in your heart. And remaining friends, if you ever were truly friends, IMO just prolongs the process. You are hanging on to the past. You are hanging on to parts of that relationship.

The best thing to do would be to recapture whatever part of you that may have been lost in the relationship. Or better yet take whatever lessons to be learned from that past relationship and strive for a better you.

You have to be careful to not prematurely get into an even worse relationship trying to find a way to forget about or mask over the prior one.

Thomas

March 22nd, 2010
8:49 am

Hmmm that is honestly a tough question. I can not speak for everyone, but personally I prefer to distance myself for a long while. To get my head back straight.
I made the mistake of dating rather quickly again and subconsciously assumed my next partner would behave a certain way and know me already.
Lesson learned; take a long break to clear your head and not go into the next relationship with preconceived notions. Find yourself and see what lessons you learned from your ex. I learned a few new dishes to cook. =)

Raqi...Recently separated from Ben & Jerry

March 22nd, 2010
8:56 am

LadyJ, I have a bff that said when she tried to be friends with an ex it created problems in whatever new relationship she tried to entertain. She said she was accused by one guy that she and the ex were still sleeping together. At the time he accused her they weren’t but it was only a matter of time before they were again.

I can see how easily that could happen. You have the comfort and the familiarity. If you find yourself needing a shoulder to cry on or warm hug, that “friendex”, not that they would purposely take advantage of you, offers a place to go that is so easy to fall into.

I couldn’t do it. Not to mention since we broke up that probably means there is some strife between us that I wouldn’t want you around me anyway.

Fulton

March 22nd, 2010
9:00 am

While staying ‘friends’ with the ex sounds cool, in reality it’s just prolonged misery for the one who got dumped. In most cases they’re only hanging on in hope that the other just might change their mind.
After a break up, I say stay out of the game and take a moment to yourself. Those rebound situations usually end up making things worse anyway.

Lady J

March 22nd, 2010
9:02 am

so true raqi!!!! playing devi’s advocate with a man always going back to that one ex that he truly wanted and she placed him in FZ to find comfort is a huge red flag for me……it is an unfair friendship to try to be something of less for sake of communicating……this was a biggie in college not sure if adults still use this act of getting over….lol….

Lady J

March 22nd, 2010
9:05 am

fulton I feel your post….that is why I get ghost really what’s to talk about after it is over???? It is over! go heal without involving another party…..as Thomas pointed out learn from it and find a new hobby and with time you will be out dating again but it does take time to heal….you are only fooling yourself to jump back out there saying I am fine and really hurt especially if you’ve been rejected

CMS

March 22nd, 2010
9:07 am

What’s the difference in being friends with someone you recently broke up with and being placed in the friend zone? Both are pointless in my opinion and should be avoided at all costs.

SexyCool...

March 22nd, 2010
9:10 am

Mo (aka Moeisha - March Madness has my head hurting)

March 22nd, 2010
9:10 am

Morning everyone!

Friends w an ex…..well I have a dear friend that is an ex but he’s an ex from way back. So there was a significant amount of time before we ventured into a friendship. My ex and I are cool but I wouldnt call us friends per se.

Michael

March 22nd, 2010
9:11 am

Do not hold on to your ex by trying to now be friends. Who are you kidding? Get on with your life, take up a new hobby, go to church, go hiking, volunteer, but take care of yourself. Better things are ahead. Dating is all about finding compatibility, there should be a lot of frogs thrown back into the pond.

SexyCool...

March 22nd, 2010
9:13 am

Like I say all the time…“We can just CALL it friends. We don’t have to BE friends.”

That being said, I truly believe that a part of the pain of a break up comes is physiological response to the change in your routine, your thought patterns, etc. Habits are hard to break and we are naturally resistant to the one constant in our lives – change.

Lady J

March 22nd, 2010
9:16 am

I somewhat hate the word friend in the dating world…..it is misused just like the word hater….geesh #random! ha!

Bit-O-Hunny

March 22nd, 2010
9:16 am

Wow…I haven’t been on here in FOREVER! Good to see the old heads still holding it down. Hi Raqi and Mo!

On topic: I’ve been successfully able to maintain a friendship with an ex. We were friends years before we decided to see if we could be more. We soon learned that we were better as friends. It’s nothing weird between us. He’s in a relationship and so am I. We both get along well with one anothers significant other and there is no drama.

ps. I’m having my first child (a girl) in 2 weeks! Yay!!

SexyCool...

March 22nd, 2010
9:16 am

I am reminded of that *hit* from Trina – Single Again.
♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪
I’m Single Again Back On The Prowl
I Thought It Was Perfect I Don’t Know How
I’m Single Again Back On The Prowl
I Thought It Was Perfect I Don’t Know How
I’m Single Again

That and Beyonce’s To The Left were in strong rotation right after I put Shithead out.

Fulton

March 22nd, 2010
9:17 am

Lady J – At this point, I choose to remain single because I know what I like and what I can deal with. But, I wasn’t able to figure that out until I to took a break from dating and just focused on self. Unfortunately, most of what I see out there just isn’t up to my standards (hell yeah I’m being picky), so I just leave it alone. So many in Atl are either too shallow and materialistic, ghetto fabed or gay. Yep, I said it….

Dan

March 22nd, 2010
9:19 am

A break up produces some anger, some resentment for at least one party in the relationship in 95 percent of instance. Given that, who would want to be friends with an ex? The other 5 percent.

If it’s amiable, if you’re both adults, if the dumpee has truly moved on, there is no reason that people that used to date can’t be friends. My thought is that I don’t like a lot of people, so the one’s that I do like, I tend to try and keep them around.

But, hey, that’s me. I’m generous like that.

Lady J

March 22nd, 2010
9:19 am

I feel ya Fulton!

Dan

March 22nd, 2010
9:21 am

@Bit

Congrats!!

Lady J

March 22nd, 2010
9:21 am

most times the dumbee just doesn’t move on that swiftly adult or not over time sure a hello here and there but buddy,buddy daily naw Dan….

SexyCool...

March 22nd, 2010
9:22 am

When’s the wedding?

Lady J

March 22nd, 2010
9:22 am

Congrats Bit of Hunny Girls Rock! :)

Bit-O-Hunny

March 22nd, 2010
9:26 am

Thanks Dan and Lady J!!! I’m thrilled!

Mo (aka Moeisha - March Madness has my head hurting)

March 22nd, 2010
9:26 am

Hey Bit-o-Hunny!! Congrats on the lil Diva!! Good to read you again chica!

SexyCool...

March 22nd, 2010
9:31 am

I *think* I have a comment stuck in moderation. Either that or I have slid into an alternate universe.

AmazonRed™

March 22nd, 2010
9:32 am

Morning lovelies – I had my toes out on Saturday, and my snow boots on today. :|

I think first rule is to not lose yourself in the first place. Easier said than done, of course, but unless it’s your very first break up, you should learn to leave a little for yourself in the next relationship.

I too, believe in a mourning period. But then, get right back out there. Life is too short and too good to wallow. I rather believe that I’m free to find the right one, and that makes the future look way more brighter.

As for becoming friends… f*ck em! :lol:

SlimOne on autopilot

March 22nd, 2010
9:34 am

Morning all

Best way to deal with a breakup I would say, would be to be social. Don’t sit around at home moping around looking pitiful. If you need to cry or yell & scream, do so then keep it moving. It doesn’t take the pain, hurt or sadness completely away, but at least activities will occupy your mind to a point where you aren’t suicidal or totally depressed. It’s just going to be one of those hard things in life that time eventually will heal.

btw, really enjoyed seeing the Ques in their capes lookin all fine n sh!t at the stepshow Saturday. Mmmmm Mmmmm goood ;-)

Lady J

March 22nd, 2010
9:34 am

Good Post ARed!

Raqi...Recently separated from Ben & Jerry

March 22nd, 2010
9:37 am

Congratulations Bit-O.

CoolShadow

March 22nd, 2010
9:37 am

@ Raqi- your 8:47 assessment is spot on.

At the risk of being redundant with previous postings, you need to reconnect with yourself, look both introspectively and retrospectively to see where things fell apart and acknowledge the lesson learned. Reassess and readjust when you’re ready to move on to subsequent relationships. Use your support network to lend an ear and be a voice (hopefully objective) of reason.

How you process the recovery and the journey to get there may differ, but one thing you shouldn’t do is linger on the past and prolong your pity parties lest the potential to erode your support base.
Find a element to use as your catharsis, be it a hobby, volunteering, outings or a new man/woman. :)

As for friendship with the ex, it’s probably best to keep your distance until some time has elapsed. Maybe a friendship will rekindle, but maybe not.

Professor

March 22nd, 2010
9:38 am

Hola!

I don’t do friendships with the ex. I have one ex like Mo from 1-2-3 wayyyyyyyy back and we are cool, but that is it. I tend to agree with Fulton being friends tend to prolong the hurt for the person that is still hoping. Plus I am the type that enjoys moving on.

As for the best way to get over an ex…I do not hold on to a bunch of ish to cry over. Either I put it up or it goes on ebay. I try to stay in the mix with my girlfriends and have dinner and stuff at least once a month. S after a break up I never left the posse and can slide righ in without getting the side eyes.

Beelzebubba - Demon of the South

March 22nd, 2010
9:41 am

The single scene isn’t for all men. So far, I don’t care for it. I was recently divorced after my wife admitted in a drunken stupor that she had slept with Tiger. I went to the park Saturday to see if I could run across a woman to befriend. I soon left and went back home after being approached twice by gay men on the prowl. I don’t think I’m going to like it much.

Professor

March 22nd, 2010
9:42 am

I forgot to say this I feel like there are two kinds of break ups (1)the one that knock you off your feet and you never saw it coming. Example dude tells you he cheated on you and now the other woman is pregnant, and you thought things were going great. (2) You and your SO have cussed and fussed the the past six months and you can feel the relationship shifting.

With #2 you should have planned your escape and started reading and reconnecting…with #1 you are just trying to keep things going.

SexyCool...

March 22nd, 2010
9:45 am

Oh…and yeah…I am cordial with some of my exes. However, these are not people that I have any sort of regular contact with. Hell, I’m even FB friends with my ex-husband.

Speaking of exes and FB, a dude that I dated casually about 5 or 6 years ago recently sent me a friend request on FB. I accepted. His page show that he is now married to a lovely wife with three beautiful children. Friday, my phone rang and it was him. (Reminder to self – take phone number off FB page.) He was calling to see if he could take me to lunch. My response – “You can’t be fckng serious.” Just wow – shakes head…

Raqi...Recently separated from Ben & Jerry

March 22nd, 2010
9:48 am

LOL SexyCool. Just like the huh? Let’s go to lunch. I hope his invite included his wife and TheDude.

SexyCool...

March 22nd, 2010
9:51 am

Naw. It was more like, “You shoooooole is looking good. I need to take you to lunch so we can *catch up*.” GTFOH! Seriously?!?!?

Lady J

March 22nd, 2010
9:57 am

he tried ya! they all do men and women our response sets the tone for action……lol sexy cool that was funny! lol

i'm swiss

March 22nd, 2010
9:58 am

Morning all…

What happened to spring…?

On topic: I’m not advocating this as a strategy, but after breaking up with my last ex, I went on a man-wh@ring binge of a lifetime & I think it helped me recover quite nicely. :lol: And as for the “friendship” with the ex thing — well, I was “friends” with that ex for a while, but only because I occasionally still phlucked her. Once I started seriously dating (and stopped wh@ring), that “friendship” went by the wayside… :lol:

Raqi...Recently separated from Ben & Jerry

March 22nd, 2010
9:59 am

I had been saying for several months that I was going to break up with Ben & Jerry. I my mind I really wanted to. I knew I needed to. But I kept them around. Every time I opened that door there they were staring at me. Reminding me of how wonderful they made me feel when I needed comfort. And before I knew it there I was again entangled in a ménage trios. It’s bad. It’s horrible. But it is soooo good. It’s detrimental to my health and it works against what I am aiming to achieve so I knew that in order to get over them I had to cut them out of my life completely. I took what was left and dumped it. Put it out of my sight. Hoping never to look back.

Now imagine that’s your ex. LOL

Lady J

March 22nd, 2010
10:03 am

that virtual playground of FB makes on think it is ok to be carefree like we were years back…..some get it twisted….lol…..fb can be the devil if you let it….lol

RelldaRake - the nasty song as me sore

March 22nd, 2010
10:03 am

wow, sc say it aint so….i am hearing alot of married men knocking up bust downs..thats killing me

Lady J

March 22nd, 2010
10:04 am

Lady J

March 22nd, 2010
10:04 am

meant makes one think not on….lol

kinderbabe--43 days to liberation and counting!!!

March 22nd, 2010
10:07 am

good morning, everyone!:)

JtJ

March 22nd, 2010
10:08 am

Morning All,
I thank God that I have not had to deal with this much, but being single after divorce, was a whole ‘nother story for me. Young and inexperienced at the age of 26, after being married for almost 7 yrs, it was a lot of crying, screaming, and weight loss for me. After realizing that I gained just as much as I had lost, I was able to get up and start my life again. My ex and I are cordial, because we have kids, but when he trys to be all buddy-buddy, his feelings get hurt when he realizes that he misses what he had. Then, he turns into Dr. Jekyll (sp) and tells me don’t call him or text unless it is about the kids. I am then thinking to myslef, nicca, that’s the only time I call or text you, you the one who try to go down memory lane!!

Friend-like relationships can exist with ex-s, but not like BFF’s or too close that they are able to think they have another chance with you.

East Point's Own

March 22nd, 2010
10:10 am

Wow… is this a first??? does everyone actually agree on an idea ” there is no good reason to be friends after a break up”
Mark this date on your calenders
http://hispointofview.com

idk...realizing my age...!

March 22nd, 2010
10:17 am

i think you can be friends with an ex, bc as some have stated, you do like that person. if the relay ends mutually, then after some seperation time i definiely think a friendship could form. in fact, i know it. but dating sucks. that is all. have a great day everyone.