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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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How will you know?

I consider myself pretty cautious when it comes to dating. I like taking calculated risks, carefully weighing my options before taking the plunge, so to speak.  I feel as though it’s been a blessing and a curse sometimes though!  How are you suppose to figure out when you are being too cautious (or careless) in dating?

Well, last month I said I was interested in exploring the matchmaking world a bit. I reached out to a real-life matchmaker, Mr. Paul Brunson aka the “Modern Day Matchmaker“.

The Modern Day Matchmaker

The Modern Day Matchmaker

Paul had a wonderful series of videos that sparked a lot of interesting dialogue among my friends and I. My favorite so far is “ How Do I know When to Invest?” because it explores one of the issues that I struggle with personally.

If you can’t view the video, there is one important question that really resonated with me:  “Do they respond selflessly in times of challenge?”  I have always believed that Maya Angelou quote, when people show you who they are, believe them. This is an example of that, I think. When you are faced with something really tough, how does the person you are dating handle it?

What do you think about risk management in terms of how and when to invest in each other?

When do you start to evaluate when to invest in potential mates? Is it before you go on the first date or after a few weeks?

How do YOU know when it’s time to invest?

464 comments Add your comment

Leggs

March 16th, 2010
8:49 am

Good morning…I’m forever cautious is all I can say. Too may wolves in sheep clothing masquerading concern for you and your feelings.

Lady J

March 16th, 2010
9:08 am

buddy, buddy!

Wise Diva

March 16th, 2010
9:10 am

Good morning ladies :)

Wisdom

March 16th, 2010
9:19 am

GM All!
Yes Leggs!

DreamsMaterialize

March 16th, 2010
9:20 am

Morning
Every investment has risk. You have to research the various instruments (mates in this case) out there and determine whether their risk profile is aligned with what you can reasonably absorb if you were to lose on that investment. One of the problems people have when investing is that they can get caught up continually hunting the arbitrage (risk-free) scenario; sometimes like chasing a ghost.

Wise Diva

March 16th, 2010
9:24 am

are you guys able to view the video? I am trying to embed it into the blog post so you won’t have to open a youtube page (I’m learning new tricks, bear with a sista LOL)

Lady J

March 16th, 2010
9:34 am

WD I can’t Youtube and the work computer is a No go so…….but great blog for today nevertheless! :)

SlimOne

March 16th, 2010
9:39 am

Morning errybody!

kinderbabe

March 16th, 2010
9:43 am

nice post Dreams. good morning all!:)

Lady J

March 16th, 2010
9:45 am

taking risk are scary, money, people, time, expectations, standards, life, hmmmmmmmm becoming more secure with self will help detour foolishness I think….it is an ongoing process of being a better person….so over time and after several misadventures you have to leap and some will still fail and others will reap greap results but stepping out on fate and faith with wisdom can bring better soothing adventures I think…..

Lady J

March 16th, 2010
9:47 am

KB it was a great post by Dreams!!!!! I am loving your take here lately too honey!!!!! lol! Real talk!

Lady J

March 16th, 2010
9:47 am

meant reap “GREAT” results! ha!

Melo

March 16th, 2010
9:49 am

are you guys able to view the video?

WD..make sure the video is action packed..no useless videos 4 MIA OK!

Good morn!

AmazonRed™

March 16th, 2010
9:49 am

Morning all –

You never know. I am a calculated risk taker too, but eventually you’ll have to just leap. But there are definite signs when you know you have a good one.

With the current mister, I remember whenever I needed help, he was always right there. I had this 200 pound TV that needed to be moved…he almost broke his back trying to move it.

When I swear I saw something furry moving in my garage, he was there in 15 minutes with traps fishing around trying to find something. There was nothing there but I swear it was dang it! :lol:

When somone is there for you so selflessly, it makes the decision to invest pretty easy.

SlimOne

March 16th, 2010
9:52 am

Dreams speaking of risk, how would you weigh the emotional risk in dating for a man? I ask because someone i’m dating has been fairly guarded with regard to trying to keep from getting too attached emotionally. I guess the whole idea of trying to be more controlled and level-headed…states he’s never been in love etc. Is that such a large part of factors considered in dating. Seems to me that you can’t really get a good idea of a dating situation unless you are willing to be open. JMO tho

Lady J

March 16th, 2010
9:57 am

slim you brought up a great concept “emotional risk” I am trying my best to fine tune that bc dating isn’t that damn emotional I don’t think….I am an emotional person and very colorful but it is a time and place for everything…I am making strides though…..from 07 to now I see my flaws and things are getting better with keeping those emotions in tact….Just don’t want to get to the point of not giving a damn and coming off blah! lol

Melo

March 16th, 2010
10:03 am

I ask because someone i’m dating has been fairly guarded with regard to trying to keep from getting too attached emotionally

@Slimone??

even after shock and owe,he is not biting? U say he says he has neva been in luv,how far has he ever been involved with a woman? How old is the guy?

I think ur situation is the reason why some women resort to shock and awe to entice some bite from the guarded fellas..I dont know,just a thoght I am throwing out there.

:lol: :lol:

AmazonRed™

March 16th, 2010
10:04 am

I am trying my best to fine tune that bc dating isn’t that damn emotional I don’t think

I agree, but we’re women. It’s okay for us to be emotional.

For guys, they don’t like to show vulnerability. His sharing his feelings and emotion with a woman is a scary thing…especially since they could use it against him if things go sour.

Mr_NYC

March 16th, 2010
10:05 am

My takes is you have to be as open as you wish your partner “to be” to be. The greatest satisfaction in a relationship can only come about when both put their all into it. You have to do it at some point. So I tend to ask “how much do I want this” with this woman and based on that, just put it out there. Sure it may hurt when it doesn’t work out or maybe the other person was not completely honest. But all we can do is go with what we have and our gut. Do your due diligence and then make a decision. But you can’t sit on the fence forever or you will never receive what you wish for. The discovery is part of the journey.

Lady J

March 16th, 2010
10:07 am

yep ared…..and you were on point with someone being there…..actions are important….different type of actions not just schemeing and plotting actions…..but on the flip side not every person you meet has an agenda to hurt per se….sigh!

SexyCool - About Bidness

March 16th, 2010
10:08 am

SexyCool - About Bidness

March 16th, 2010
10:11 am

I think that the biggest problem lies not in knowing when to make the investment, instead, it’s knowing when to realize that the ROI is not adding up.

And it’s often much easier to fall in love than it is to pick up and walk away from it and sometimes, we need to RUN and not walk away.

AmazonRed™

March 16th, 2010
10:13 am

but on the flip side not every person you meet has an agenda to hurt per se

Lady J – So true. You have to let the guard down. Yes, getting hurt sucks, but you get back up and try again.

Kym-My name is not Susan

March 16th, 2010
10:23 am

Morning All,

Its a beautiful day in the neighborhood! Can I just say I agree with whoever said you have to take risk to get rewards..No pain..no gain.

Wise Diva

March 16th, 2010
10:25 am

Lady J, I really appreciate you, thanks chica! I’m trying really hard to mix it up :)

I really enjoy you guys checking in every day, this community rocks because of you guys!

kimmie

March 16th, 2010
10:25 am

Morning Gang!

Amred, I can really relate to your experience. I was faced with some similiar situations early in me & SO’s relationship and he was right there for me. I was a little gun-shy because the 2 guys prior were just the opposite and acted like they were doing me a favor when I would ask for help. And I’m so not the needy, helpless type. I would resort to doing everything myself or paying someone. They really kind of messed with my head because I started to think maybe that’s just the way men are now. That I didn’t have the right to expect these things from men. Boy, was I twisted. It took some good advice from a respected few and my SO to show me I indeed did not have unrealistic expectations.

I have to be careful even now, about opening up emotionally because I have been hurt so in the past. I don’t want to come off as too nonchalant or cold and I’m not that kind of person. Also don’t want to bottle so much up inside. Thru heartache and deaths of both parents & a brother, I’ve become somewhat stoic. The iceberg is slowly melting. Thank God.

DreamsMaterialize

March 16th, 2010
10:27 am

Slim Guys do tend to be a bit guarded when it comes to things that are emotional for them, but to be completely closed off can be a sign too. Some things just shouldn’t be that hard (emotional) to discuss. Remember that the way things start out is the way they tend to be throughout. So, if he’s a stonewaller now, that issue will probably be recurrent and amplified in the relationship. It’s ok to be sympathetic that he may have been hurt before, but don’t spoon feed him either. Relationships go two ways, and he has to decide to take the risk just like you are. If he isn’t matching your effort, you know what to do.

Lady J
what’s good? how’s school?

it’s knowing when to realize that the ROI is not adding up.
And deciding when to cut your losses.

Mr_NYC

March 16th, 2010
10:27 am

@sexy cool
that’s a good point – I think that’s where the ocnfusions comes in some time. Feeling like you’ve got to a point where you hesitate to “cut your losses” and move on. It really doesn’t matter what’s happened before that time if things are not adding up. We have to remind ourselves that we only get what we deserve when we act accordingly and not allow ourselves to receive less.

KP (www.chatkafeonline.com)

March 16th, 2010
10:31 am

Good morning MIA family! I’m going to lurk so I don’t disrupt the current topic.

kimmie

March 16th, 2010
10:32 am

Slim, that’s great advice Dreams gave about your guy. I understand being hurt in past & how a lot of men are not emotional, but there is an extreme too. I dated one of those extremes once and sometimes his lack of emotion about ANYTHING was downright chilling! I was not trying to create drama at all, but I at least want someone who is alive. At least get excited about something! And falling in love was out of the question. I could not deal.

Carlito

March 16th, 2010
10:36 am

The hardest relationship decision I ever made was when I knew it was better for me to pull out of my investment. Relationship wise that was the toughest decision I have ever made, it hurt. Deep down that is the underlying issue as to why I do not want to “invest” in a marriage or kids. I could not possibly cope with that hurt and pain of pulling out with so much on the line. I will admit that I am to scared to get to deep, due to the risk of being hurt like I was in the past.

SexyCool - About Bidness

March 16th, 2010
10:36 am

I’m considering finding a roommate.

AmazonRed™

March 16th, 2010
10:41 am

I was a little gun-shy because the 2 guys prior were just the opposite and acted like they were doing me a favor when I would ask for help. And I’m so not the needy, helpless type.

kimmie – Girl…you said it! At least when we do it ourselves we know it will get done and done right! But I am re-learning that it’s okay to let him do his man thing! :lol:

And it’s funny how these things show you what kind of man you’re dealing with. The mister came right away to fix the problem. I told another guy who was interested in me at the time what was going on and the only thing he did was say “sorry.” :?

AmazonRed™

March 16th, 2010
10:42 am

And it’s often much easier to fall in love than it is to pick up and walk away from it and sometimes, we need to RUN and not walk away.

Girl, yes. I’ve had to put on those track shoes more times than I want to admit! :lol:

SexyCool - About Bidness

March 16th, 2010
10:44 am

Maybe my sister. Or…moving in with my other sister.

I’ve got some financial goals that are causing me to re-think some of my current lifestyle choices and spending habits/patterns.

AmazonRed™

March 16th, 2010
10:44 am

I’m considering finding a roommate.

SCool – Try and find a situation like I did. Fort McPherson is closing, so a lot of folks are moving. There are several people that are here in ATL that live in NC and SC. They commute home on the weekends. So all last year, I had someone renting one of my extra rooms, gone every weekend and then paying half my mortgage. It was a great way to stack my chips!

I believe you live in my neighborhood, so the person would not have to go far to get to work which makes it a win-win for you both!

Lady J

March 16th, 2010
10:45 am

Awwwwww Thanks Wisey!!!!!! Your MIA Blog Rocks and I am a #1 fan!!!!! :)

DreamsM school is going great! I am fine tuning time managament and focusing on what is important and what isn’t be it sociall, profesionally, and even @ home. Its an investment worth altering somethings for etter results, a huge RISK I am taking so I am taking it seriously. My first assignment is due today and just thankful for good people in my life you are there for me and support me!!!!

CoolShadow

March 16th, 2010
10:45 am

When do you start to evaluate when to invest in potential mates? Is it before you go on the first date or after a few weeks?

After the potential mate shows you through words and actions that he/she might be worth the effort or a further look at least. You can’t put a clock to the evaluation process because you don’t know when you will gather enough information to process a judgment.

How do YOU know when it’s time to invest?

It’s a two-part evaluation process for me; the logical aspect where I try to absorb the responses, actions and emotions from various scenarios, noting the green flags and red flags. Some people reveal themselves earlier than others, and dealbreakers immediately suspend further evaluation from me. Then I try to look for consistency in action and evaluate whether a response in a given scenario is an episode or part of trend in their actions. Once I’m comfortable with the fact that the positives greatly outweigh negatives, then I decide to invest.

For guys, they don’t like to show vulnerability. His sharing his feelings and emotion with a woman is a scary thing…especially since they could use it against him if things go sour.

Excellent point, AmazonRed; in the early stages of the relationship when men show vulnerability, women may view it as an endearing quality and a show of closeness. However, once things go sour that once same endearing quality is now a weakness and is sometimes used against him for emasculation.

kimmie

March 16th, 2010
10:47 am

financial goals

Good that you are open to different ways of realizing those goals. At least if your sister was the roommate, you already know what it’s like to live with her, vs someelse.

Leggs

March 16th, 2010
10:48 am

@Mr NYC ~ you make a valid point—>”We have to remind ourselves that we only get what we deserve when we act accordingly and not allow ourselves to receive less.”

And, because of this mindset some punk called me a bitch last night because I refused his advances. I could only SMH and quickly walk to my car.

Professor

March 16th, 2010
10:48 am

Hola,

On topic, I think you know it is time to invest when you realize what you want, and that you are not finding that person. The reason I say YOU realize what YOU want, is because a lot of us date aimlessly without any thought. So, how can we communicate what we want if we don’t know?

@Kimmie great post. I feel you on doing things yourself or paying someone out of the notion that men are different these days. It is refreshing to have a man that can T.C.B.

AmazonRed™

March 16th, 2010
10:54 am

Great post CoolShadow

SexyCool - About Bidness

March 16th, 2010
10:56 am

It’s a tough decision from the standpoint of the lifestyle change. I’m comfortable with my situation just like it is. But, the smart money decision is to consider it because I need to be doing more saving and investing. I have no debt, just feeling a real need to be doing more for the future.

Lady J

March 16th, 2010
10:57 am

“We won’t even attempt to achieve what we do not believe at a deep level we can have or deserve.” (Ruth Ross)

Carlito

March 16th, 2010
10:58 am

Ladies, how do you some of you overcome and move on after a bad investment? One thing I admire about women is the ability to learn to “invest” again. Whereas some men,including myself, will hardly if ever go “all in” again.

Mike P

March 16th, 2010
11:00 am

Men are not naturally emotionally distant, we become that way because many times women can be soo cruel and brutal towards us when we show our “softer” side, so we learn to protect it at all costs.

The more painful the experience, the more we lock up inside, period. Women assume we men don’t have feelings like they do so they believe it’s okay to be emotionally brutal towards us; falsely thinking it doesn’t/shouldn’t hurt us.

Since we pretty much resigned on having an emotionally open (spoken) relationship with women, we’ll settle for showing you all how we feel (do things for you, buy you nice things), that’s if we have any feelings for you at all. If not, it’s gonna be a primarily (what can I get from her / imma get mine), sexual relationship; that is until we find her, “the one” (worth the risk).

good morning folks

DreamsMaterialize

March 16th, 2010
11:01 am

It is refreshing to have a man that can T.C.B.
TCB? Like the hair product? I didn’t know you like dudes who use texturizer. ;-)

Professor

March 16th, 2010
11:01 am

Hey Lady J!

I love the quote.

AmazonRed™

March 16th, 2010
11:02 am

Ladies, how do you some of you overcome and move on after a bad investment?

Carlito – I have a couple of things going for me.

1) I’m not afraid to leave
2) I’m not afraid to start over
3) I will leave someover moderate mistakes, so they don’t have a chance to be major ones.

That being said, no relationship has left me devistated to a point where I wouldn’t know where to begin if I left someone. It’s that first step (out the door) that is crippling to a lot of women. That’s how we lose so many years hanging on to someone who isn’t worthy of us.

kinderbabe

March 16th, 2010
11:02 am

@Carlito…it’s called being resilient. and this too shall pass. it’s all a part of life. we often are so stuck in survival mode that we don’t “live.” once you get through, get over it! the way that you move on is by living.:)