Love Does Not Hurt
It is a sad and tragic fact that relationships and violence go together at times. There are some of us who grew up around abusive relationships in our homes or in our families. If there is no healing involved from this, we have all seen what can happen when another generation carries it into their relationships.
It seems that during the early dating stages, a lot of red flags are presented, and sadly overlooked. I remember reading about the young teacher who was allegedly slain by a boyfriend. Her father, heartbroken, mentioned how his daughter would make comments about certain behaviors that simply seemed “protective” or “attentive” at the time. What can single people do to be more aware of person who has dangerous behaviors?
It’s not just adults that cope with this issue, teens also find themselves faced with dating violence, at very young ages. Imagine your first love, puppy love. Then imagine if all that intense emotion led to physical abuse. If you were confused and caught up in your “normal” teenage love affair, how awful would it feel if domestic violence was added in? I could barely handle the ending of a grade school crush, who knows how I would have dealt with something so terrifying.
We all have to take a part in educating our families, communities, and our teens that love does not hurt. The Partnership Against Domestic Violence will conduct a panel discussion this week: Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence.
I believe that we should address what is causing the rise in domestic violence and work together on ways we can stop it. How can we become more involved?
When it comes to your children (if you have any), what do you teach them about violence in relationships? What were you taught?
Event information from article:
Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence
When: 9:30 a.m. to 2 p.m. March 13
Where: Carl and Mary Ware Academic Center, Clark Atlanta University
Participants must preregister.
For more information, call the Partnership Against Domestic Violence at 404-870-9603 or visit www.padv.org. There’s also a statewide crisis line at 1-800-33-HAVEN (1-800-334-2836
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445 comments Add your comment
BlackMagicWoman
March 10th, 2010
11:07 am
Amazon..I watched that show last night. I can’t believe what a d0uchebag this guy was. But that text he sent was so uncalled for. I hope he never has good luck for that.
I can say as a child in in herited my father’s temper. So I was nice but I could flip the scrip on you in a second. I remember my mother getting a call at work because I (at 5 years old during summer camp) punched a boy in the nose for kissing me. That was his first bloody nose..he thought he was dying! My mother quickly taught me that was wrong. And I stopped hitting people unless they hit me first. I was told by my grandfather to love myself more than any man. So I do not allow any type of disrespect. Once I see it…you are out! I have a friend who refuses to believe that she was mentally abused for 3 years. I just bothered me because someone so smart was so stupid when it came to this dude. And he was no prize. But she loved him….whiel he wouldn’t even claim her! She tried to make him love her…as he manipulated her to keep her hanging on. But I told her if she stayed with him…she must like the treatment. She could have left him alone so many times…there were no ties such as kids or marriage. First time he hurts you…I’m there. I will put on my fight gear and help you kick his azz. But if you chose to go back….you are on you own and you deserve it because you made the grown up decision to go back so be a grown up and deal with the consequences. It hurts to walk away from someone you love. But it hurts more to stay. The choice is yours. Now I know there are some instances where a man has threatened to kill a woman if she leaves and she stays in fear. But they need to know….he will kill you eventually if you stay. It starts with a mental/emotional killing then finally the physical. I’d rather dying leaving than die staying! At least you have a chance if you leave. You may have to move and hide….but you won’t be with him anymore.
I went out with a guy for a month and all was well…then this dude flipped the script and was cursing me out on my voicemail because I would not return his texts while I was at the movies with my girls. Needless to say….old dude got the ax real quick after me unleashing some rather venomous words and threats that I am not afraid to carry out. Women need to learn to love themselves first and more and stop expecting a man to do it for them. One wrong word to me and you and I are done because I LOVE ME…not you!
Melo
March 10th, 2010
11:08 am
Smart-mouthed women(and men) were once smart-mouthed kids that were never put in check. See that mess might seem cute to some, but it manifests into adulthood
^5!
SlimOne...no mo' locked doors
March 10th, 2010
11:08 am
@Ared I’ve been watching that show too and it is amazing the energy these chicks keep putting into the dudes who are BLANTANTLY disrespectful to them. The guy from last nights show was just plain awful. He just gave up his rights to the child, then she decided to change the babys’ last name back to hers. They should play these shows in schools for the kids to see that having a baby or sex before they are ready for it can be.
kimmie
March 10th, 2010
11:10 am
this dude flipped the script and was cursing me out on my voicemail because I would not return his texts while I was at the movies with my girls.
Same happened to me once – never saw dude again!
Carlito
March 10th, 2010
11:11 am
Why did Celie stay?
2CPTG-"Anna Mae, just eat the damn cake"
March 10th, 2010
11:14 am
Hey Cee…..your lil man gon’ be aiiight….you have a passive nature, so naturally it’s gon rub off on him…..but he gon’ be straight…
and yeah, my babies were taught how to defend themselves early! used to tickle me when they wanted to watch old tapes of my wrestling and boxing matches, and actually be cheering like it was live…..then, naturally tried to imitate the moves, and such, so I just taught ‘em the correct way…..I remember one time babygirl got in a fight, and Jr called me and was like, “Da, you shoulda saw her, she was doing just like you taught her….throwin a jab then followin wit a hook”……that was one of those, “that’s whats up moments”….
Mo (aka Moeisha )
March 10th, 2010
11:17 am
Cemeeli – thanks for sharing that link chica! Thats alright…..
SCool – I was sitting here just thinking about getting my caramel cappucino on….SIGH! I did have one this past saturday too. QT here I come…..
ARed/SlimOne – I watched that show last night and that dude was worthless and disrespectful as hell. I never watch that show but when he said to her “I want you to stop calling me bc im out hunting and doing stuff” I was DONE!
Raqi
March 10th, 2010
11:18 am
Black and Slim, what show are you all speaking of?
Cemeeli
March 10th, 2010
11:19 am
They should play these shows in schools for the kids to see that having a baby or sex before they are ready for it can be.
@Slim – I was thinking along the same lines. But if the parents are off the Ricto scale…then…what?
If your mom is supporting how the guy treats you, and she hanging out, let dude move in/shack in the house…then the young lady has not point of reference what to do…or what not to do.
Raqi
March 10th, 2010
11:19 am
Why did Celie stay?
Carlito, so Mista could get on top hur and do his bizness.
Carlito
March 10th, 2010
11:19 am
Not that I promote violence at all, but what gets into a woman where she thinks she can beat a man down. Furthermore what are you doing dating or going out with a man in the first place that you can even fathom that you could beat in a fight? Is not being a protector a quality that woman look for in a man? Or do someone women think if they are walking down a dark road and someone approaches she will be the one to knuckle up. My point is, if you are seeing a guy of which whom you think you can beat, it probably isn’t going to work. Right off the bat you think he “is not man enough”. I have no remorse when I hear a woman has run over to “jump” on her man and ends up getting the wrong end of the fight. She should not have initiated the violence. Not saying the guy should have done it, but I understand.
Cemeeli
March 10th, 2010
11:21 am
Mo Girl i’m allover the place sharing it! My gf from Chicago hadn’t even read that. She’s replying to me that Englewood is on of Chicago’s roughest neighborhoods….
High drop out. High prison rate.
And look at these young men!!! LOVE IT!!!!
love it…love…love
Melo
March 10th, 2010
11:22 am
I saw a woman being verbally abused at the check out counter at Walmart and it hurt me so bad.
The man was mean and angry and really not treating that woman good. And that was in a public place..so i wondered how it was at home.
Their 3 kids were also cowed. I swear that man will kill that woman one day.
I looked at her eyes str8 up and she looked down and shook her head,kinda crying sofltly.
But I can also understand how it is noit that easy to walk away for a lot of woman.
For starters,most marrried women luv marriage and their kids and they want the marriage to work so as to not raise kids in a broken home.Others stay because of the “comforts” financially,especially if they themselves have limited capacity to earn enough money.Or it can be a combination of issues.
Walking away would be the ideal but its never an easy decision for most women,esp when there are kids involved.
Its easier when people are just single and dating.
Raqi
March 10th, 2010
11:22 am
let dude move in/shack in the house
Cemeeli, I don’t know what the heck you are talking about but just from that statement alone I know that it’s some mess.
PrincessNik.....One in a Million
March 10th, 2010
11:22 am
But if the parents are off the Ricto scale…then…what?
CeeMee, you are so right I can’t remember which comedian was talkin about how mamma is 30 and grandma 45, aint no mo Big Mamma’s……….. quite often its an ongoing thing a “generational curse”. Someobody has to stand up and want to break it
Carlito
March 10th, 2010
11:22 am
Raqi, that is funny. She must have liked his dizzle, hmm is it true ugly women have the best cashmere?
SlimOne...no mo' locked doors
March 10th, 2010
11:23 am
Raqi We are talking about the show on MTV called 16 and Pregnant.
BlackMagicWoman
March 10th, 2010
11:23 am
Slim…girl I think it would help a lot with Teen Pregnancy. These girls will see it’s THEIR lives that will change. That boy can go on like nothing happened and leave it all on her and her family. It’s my birth control and I am grown woman! LOL
Carlito…you need to watch The Color Purple. But the gist of it is that it was set in the early 1900’s and Celie is a Black woman in the south…so she was given away to this mean old man who needed a new wife to take care of his household and kids because his wife died. He asked the father for the younger prettier daughter but he wanted her to be a teacher. So he offered up Celie and said she was spoiled twice (2 kids by him). The man (Mister)took her and made her life hell. Women period back in that time had no rights..but a Black woman had it even worse. So she stayed. But you really have to see it.
Mo (aka Moeisha )
March 10th, 2010
11:23 am
Cemeeli – I went ahead and forwarded that to some folks as well, first was my brother who is a middle school teacher (bless him heart)! Lovely article….and Im lovin it!!
PrincessNik.....One in a Million
March 10th, 2010
11:24 am
CeeMee, are you talking about how the mom’s of thes preg, 16 year olds let their boyfriends/soon to be baby daddy’s move into the house with them like its A-okay?
PrincessNik.....One in a Million
March 10th, 2010
11:25 am
is it true ugly women have the best cashmere
Carlito I asked this question a couple of weeks to the blog guys, never really got a good answer………
Carlito
March 10th, 2010
11:26 am
BlackMagicWoman, I have watched the movie. “You told Harpo to beat me?”
SlimOne...no mo' locked doors
March 10th, 2010
11:26 am
Cee “But if the parents are off the Ricto scale…then…what?” Yeah, parents have to stop trying to be the kids friend and be real parents…It has to start somewhere. I know saying that is like saying, “I wish for world peace if i were to win this here pageant” but I mean, it takes a village right? We have to start wanting more for ourselves…morals, respect, and not always trying to do what’s simply popular ( as Monique said)
Luvbug
March 10th, 2010
11:26 am
Beautiful – I wasn’t talking about that situation with your friend in particular. I was recalling a few episodes of Snapped…the most extreme ones that include women and children having no choice but “us or him”.
IMO, there are ranges and I think the outcome was reasonable.
I guess some people can self correct after being reported and/or jailed…others after being told off, others after being popped off and others (the ones who won’t stop until they kill you)…may need someone to expedite their one-on-one conversation with God about it…cuz aint nothing else to talk about down here.
BlackMagicWoman
March 10th, 2010
11:28 am
LMAO…ok Carlito. You are quoting lines from the Color Purple! You be kin now! (LMAO) Did I say it correctly Southerners?
Raqi
March 10th, 2010
11:28 am
Slim, thanks. I have never watched the show.
When my son got his girlfriend pregnant I made it my business to allow his life as a teen father be a living hell. It’s his burden to bear. When I found out last year that he is up state playing house, the Bank of Mama went out of business. I only pay the university to education. How he eats and puts gas in his car and feeds his son and pays his bills ain’t my problem.
SlimOne...no mo' locked doors
March 10th, 2010
11:29 am
@Black You are absoulutely right…on almost all of the shows, it’s really the girls that are having to deal with the whole situation. The boys don’t really have that bond with the child until AFTER the baby is here, IF they end up with one at all…Just like the show last week where the boy went to school in the daytime and was supposed to relieve the chick at night so she could go to school…he didnt even show up on time causing her to be late. Definitely makes me more weary about having any kids.
Melo
March 10th, 2010
11:29 am
Furthermore what are you doing dating or going out with a man in the first place that you can even fathom that you could beat in a fight?
Carlito??
but that decison to fight is not rational,it is an emotional one..thats not a fair qstion.
lurker_1
March 10th, 2010
11:30 am
Yesterday morning on GMA, there was a feature about install spyware on your cell phone. This one lady ex boyfriend had installed it on her phone. Through the gps, he was able to know where she was located, he could read her texts, he could hear her conversations and he could see what she was doing. Every time she went out, he knew what, when and where. Also, if you have phone off, it still was recording your conversation. She said she almost lost her mind. It took three years for her to discover what was going on. She had him arrested. They say it is difficult to know this spyware is on your phone. She changed phone numbers several time and it didn’t work. It only stopped when she bought a new phone. NOW THAT SOME SCARY ISH!!! Ladies and men be careful where you keep your phone.
Cemeeli
March 10th, 2010
11:30 am
2C – hehehe…your son actually called you and gave recaps of baby-girl’s fight…how ’bout that? Now that is really what’s up. Most kids would have been intimidated to share they were in a fight to parents.
You enjoy every bit of thier open & confidence in sharing with you. Really cool.
Auh, yup you’re right i’m not easily influenced by external rif raf.
yes…hope it’s the same with my look-a-like & still the same the older he gets.
Cemeeli
March 10th, 2010
11:32 am
Raqi/Princess – Yea, I’m in response to Slim’s statement about “16 and Pregnant”….
sorry i lost ya’ll..
SlimOne...no mo' locked doors
March 10th, 2010
11:32 am
Raqi, how is that going with your son anyway?
Melo
March 10th, 2010
11:33 am
Carlito I asked this question a couple of weeks to the blog guys, never really got a good answer…
…PrincessNik…..??
its man pride and ego..
Nobody wants to admit they
took advantage ofdated Precious!Raqi
March 10th, 2010
11:34 am
Slim, he tells me he is doing well in school and my brother that lives up there and keeps an eye on him can attest to that. However….
How he eats and puts gas in his car and feeds his son and pays his bills ain’t my problem.
PrincessNik.....One in a Million
March 10th, 2010
11:34 am
melo, i almost spit my water out on my keyboard!!!!
PrincessNik.....One in a Million
March 10th, 2010
11:36 am
But seriously melo, i had just finished a conversation with a male friend on that topic and he was like they have better p-dussy because they have low self esteem and are willing to do more etc…. i just wanted to know was that the general consensus
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
March 10th, 2010
11:37 am
After my father died, I grew up in some rough environments where as a male you were “tested” by the bullies. Sometimes it was a matter of survival to show others where the boundaries were. I could take a lot of shyte, but sooner or later I would “blow” (the Irish blood in me) and when I did, it was not nice to see. No more about trying to “defend”, it was then about making them hurt and hurt bad enough to remember it the next time when they started feeling a little “froggy”. There have to be boundaries drawn, in all relationships, but in a male/female relationship physical violence is BS.
Cemeeli
March 10th, 2010
11:38 am
Through the gps, he was able to know where she was located, he could read her texts, he could hear her conversations and he could see what she was doing. Every time she went out, he knew what, when and where.
Dang Sherlock!…these folks are crazy.
Why would i wanna know what a grown person doing all the time. I don’t know what i’m doing next, all the time.
SlimOne...no mo' locked doors
March 10th, 2010
11:38 am
LOL @ Raqi…I hear ya!
LL411
March 10th, 2010
11:39 am
I have a friend back in the 80’s that had a boyfriend and the two of them would go toe to toe most every Friday and/or Saturday night. The first time we’d just become friends and they went to fighting and I was about to get in the middle (help her) and someone grab my arm and said “you don’t want to get in the middle of that”, they do it every weekend (parking lot of wherever the party was).
One of the fights.. he’d been stalking/following us all night, she’d had enough and pulled the car over and he stopped. They both got out and where standing at the trunk of her car, next thing I hear is a huge thump on the trunk… while they were cussing and tussling her watch fell off, he bent to pick it up and she slammed his head on the trunk knocking him out cold. I think had I not been there she’d a dumped him in the lake (very rural area in Louisana). He has no idea just how close he’d come to disappearing.
2CPTG-"Anna Mae, just eat the damn cake"
March 10th, 2010
11:39 am
“You enjoy every bit of thier open & confidence in sharing with you.”
yep!!! My youngin’s know they gon’ get real life from me; I’mma shield ‘em and protect them from the dangers of life as much as possible, but I also let ‘em know that it’s real, and it’s out there!
anonymousella
March 10th, 2010
11:39 am
here’s the thing randyt: abusers are rarely ‘bad boys.’ they’re usually pretty charming and admirable on the surface. you don’t know what’s happening unless you are really savvy to the pattern and the process. most people aren’t.
what’s more, some level of abuse and violence is normal for a lot of people. you don’t realize just how effed up your situation is unless you have a healthy norm to compare it to. (imo, this is a case against spanking your kids y’all.)
in every abusive relationship i have heard of, the woman – and except for one case, it’s a woman – has lived through or witnessed some kind of abuse herself. part of why they don’t leave is because on some level, it’s normal to them. and as long as the abuse consists of arguing, name calling and only sporadic bouts of violence, she can pretend that times are good until his fists fly again.
but most stay out of fear. if this fool has proven himself to be a crazy, stalker-type em effer with a propensity for violence, why wouldn’t you believe that he will stalk or harm you or harm your family? i know someone who went back to an abuser because he threatened to kill her newborn nephew.
that said: the easiest way to reduce the violence, IMO, is for folks to learn spot crazy from jump and pay attention to the little markers of control and possessiveness. the signs often show up way early.
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
March 10th, 2010
11:40 am
Carlitto, ugly women will still be ugly, regardless of the cashmere. It is what it is.
Luvbug
March 10th, 2010
11:41 am
so how will the courts make that determination without them being there physically when ish popped??
Melo – I’m strictly talking about scenarios in which the crime is full on happening…in the middle of being raped, or savagely beaten…the same kind of reprieve people get when an intruder breaks in your house and you have no choice but to shoot. If they happen to die, that’s not your fault…you had to protect yourself.
They usually investigate those type cases and drop them.
I know you’re really going to cross your eyes when you find out I don’t support capital punishment. Proof after the fact? I don’t know about that. If you shoot in the middle of the act, you got all the proof you need…don’t let the evidence walk away and then try to prove it later…
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA DADDY NOT A HUSBAND
March 10th, 2010
11:42 am
Nik – Yes because the cute girls are too busy acting too cute to Fcuk. They wanna roll around in the rose petals and have this big romantical experience and think a dude should enjoy himself just because she is giving him and his loins her.. Pullleeezee…
Raqi
March 10th, 2010
11:42 am
Dang Sherlock!…these folks are crazy
Cemeeli, was listening to Mike Baisden yesterday and this one lady was saying how she has a friend that checks her man’s mileage in his car to see if he actually went where he said he was going. LOL You know you hear of people checking cell phones and emails but that’s just too crazy.
If I got to be tracking your behind like that, we don’t belong together. That has to be a miserable existence. Why be with someone you don’t trust? Just crazy.
2CPTG-"Anna Mae, just eat the damn cake"
March 10th, 2010
11:43 am
PrincessNik….ummm, not really (ugly girls having the best cooch)……shiiid, in my experience you can get ya debutante barbie doll to do just about everything as well….just gotta know how to get it out of ‘em…..
Leggs
March 10th, 2010
11:44 am
@Carlito ~ Celie stayed cuz she didn’t have self-esteem in the beginning and felt she could make Mister love her back by taking care of him and turning a blind eye.
@2C ~ Tina Turner’s story was on last night.
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA DADDY NOT A HUSBAND
March 10th, 2010
11:45 am
2 – I was just about to say that.. Or its the girls that were told they were cute all their lives and ended up getting banged at 12 by the high school senior.. It was all downhill from there..
Melo
March 10th, 2010
11:46 am
they have low self esteem and are willing to do more etc…. i just wanted to know was that the general consensus
thats my guess!