Romance and Finance
I was having a discussion with some people at dinner recently. There was a married couple, an engaged man, and the rest were single people. We were talking about our so-called post-feminist age and I noticed how uncomfortable people became when the topic of money came up.
The engaged man commented that his wife-to-be had more education and a higher income then he did. She had already expressed a desire to change careers and possibly be a stay at home mother when they have children. Some were surprised and (in my opinion) a little judgmental about that, including the men. They didn’t seem to agree with the idea of giving up income/earning power for the greater good of the family unit.
Are women who have a desire to be provided for – in this day – really that rare? Aren’t men still interested in the traditional dynamics of being the bread winner, even if it’s “less bread” then what his partner is making?
Do you think men who have difficulty being attracted to women who make more money would be willing to date and marry women if they scaled back their careers/salaries? Would that change the dynamics in the relationship? Should it?
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377 comments Add your comment
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
March 2nd, 2010
8:43 am
Good gloomy morning to all…
Raqi
March 2nd, 2010
8:44 am
Well since my husband didn’t marry me for my money or my earning potential…
Good Morning.
Raqi
March 2nd, 2010
9:00 am
My marido has stated that I can stop working anytime I am ready but right now mainly for one reason I choose to stay employed.
If a one income household is how a couple chooses to live that’s their business. I don’t get how people fix their minds and mouths to judge what another couple chooses to do. It’s not their business. If the husband, or wife for that matter, is okay with being the sole breadwinner that affects no one but them.
There are more men in this present day that choose to not be with a woman that does not contribute to the financial responsibilities and he has that right. But so does the man who is perfectly fine with taking care of his family and the wife doing in relationship what they both agree is of equal importance to them.
Cemeeli
March 2nd, 2010
9:08 am
good day….
They didn’t seem to agree with the idea of giving up income/earning power for the greater good of the family unit.
The family unit should be waaaayyy more important than the earning power. When did financial leverage keep your home front thriving and well?
I just don’t get this new age stuff…if the home and family is where the wife/mother role is…then why are we shunning it when a women is financially able to switch her endeavors? She wants to be a stay at home mom…encourage her.
It’s snowing…just got here, I’m leaving real soon.
Jovial
March 2nd, 2010
9:08 am
This works on any lady.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmJbJs-9ST0&feature=player_embedded#
princessnik....ay dios mio
March 2nd, 2010
9:10 am
Good Morning,
To each his own, IMO,
Are women who have a desire to be provided for – in this day – really that rare?
I don’t think its rare, even a woman who continues with her career after marriage and kids, has a desire to be provided for in some shape form or fashion…..
DreamsMaterialize
March 2nd, 2010
9:15 am
Morning
Women who want to be provided for aren’t rare at all. Even most of the career-oriented ones would stay home if that were a viable option. Men who want to be bread winners aren’t rare either. Being a bread winner isn’t just about making more money; it also means making the tough choices, acting decisively on those choices, and taking responsibility for those actions, ensuring the forward momentum of the family unit. With all that said, both of us will be working in my family, our goal being to create the best opporutnities for our children, as well as a lasting legacy.
Lady J
March 2nd, 2010
9:18 am
I run into men who are supportive for the most part of this topic and they welcome it not to be a leach just respect for her accomplishments…I think its some women’s attitude that change the dynamics with the i got the power syndrome be it money, position, etc….I feel a couple can get past this I amke more than you and embrace it….meaning mostly men make more than women and we embrace it daily what is so farfetched of a woman making more even having a stay @ home dad really….to me its other factors that makes it an ugly situation but it is plenty of woman making more and are married and they find their balance and make it happen….just from articles I read thatis….lol
Morning crew…..PK guess what on FB last night I joined the Big DM Group and I laughed out loud thinking of you and I sc blog….lol
princessnik....ay dios mio
March 2nd, 2010
9:19 am
lady j
LMBO
Lady J
March 2nd, 2010
9:21 am
lol
Jeff
March 2nd, 2010
9:24 am
I married (and then got divorced) a woman who made more money than me. Eventually, she couldn’t be happy without the money. I think a question can be asked: How do the 2 genders merge the “want it all/don’t settle/girl power” etc with the dual pull of wanting the family tradition? You can’t have it both ways. I was willing to be a stay at home dad, but she was’t willing to forgo my income.
Interesting, because she wanted my income to make her happy, but now doesn’t have access to my income at all. How ironic is that?
Lady J
March 2nd, 2010
9:24 am
the ugly side of this topic makes me think of Tyler Perry’s movie The Family that Preys and how Sanna showed out on her husband for that eveil power of I make more than you….most women arent that evil as her character is my point….lol
Lady J
March 2nd, 2010
9:25 am
jeff that is a good point on how do you successfully merge the two…..
Raqi
March 2nd, 2010
9:38 am
Cemeeli, the problem is for a lot of people nowadays the number $$$ is more important than family and a strong family structure. Have kids, buy them all sorts of crap, dress them in the finest but don’t have any structure in the family. That’s how things are getting out of hand.
Raising kids ain’t no joke.
lurking
March 2nd, 2010
9:40 am
I’m confused. Is the topic about the opinions/feelings regarding women making more than men in the relationship or is it about feelings regarding women choosing to stay at home and the man being the sole bread winner. Or both. Anyway, in my relationship, I make more than my guy and at first it wasn’t a problem in the dating stage. Then as the relationship become more serious, I had some concerns about it. He didn’t. At least not obviously expressed issues. However, we’ve been together for several years and on the road to marriage and it isn’t an issue. Sad to say, it took this whole economy crash, to make me realize that nothing is guaranteed. I’m not guaranteed my income. And even if he was making more than me, who knows how this economy would have impacted his earnings…Now as to staying at home and being a one income family, I would have a problem with that, either way. Unless, both parties have viable skills that could be utilized if the stay at home partner had to get back out in the workforce to make ends meet if needed.
princessnik....ay dios mio
March 2nd, 2010
9:40 am
Jeff Great question
I know for one, I would not feel comfortable staying at home, i’m not sure how i would feel about my future hubby doing it though. I came from a home where both parents worked and it was agreed my mom would be home in the a.m. to see us off to school and my dad was home with us after school or he arrived shortly after we did, when i had after school activities my dad was the pick up guy. My mom stayed home with us when sick because dad’s job didn’t have paid leave. I think that type of arrangement would be my comfort zone, but to each his own as i said before.
Mack Nif
March 2nd, 2010
9:40 am
I agree with jeff
Mack Nif
March 2nd, 2010
9:42 am
@lurking..word…nothing in life is a given..but some of these folks out there think that what is now will always be…no so…what i find now in these streets is that folks want change but have a hard time reprogramming the brain…
princessnik....ay dios mio
March 2nd, 2010
9:45 am
Raising kids ain’t no joke.
that is an understatement. As a single mom i think about how much raising just one child is and you could not pay me to have another one outside of marriage, and possibly not after.
Cemeeli
March 2nd, 2010
9:46 am
@ Jeff
…funny was jus txt’n my cousin Jeff…he wants to come down and visit here soon…sans the snow. He’s running from the snow state.
How do the 2 genders merge the “want it all/don’t settle/girl power” etc with the dual pull of wanting the family tradition?
Key word: Compromise
@ Raqi – Right raising kids is not about money…we know it takes money to feed, house, and clothes the Lil bandits…But ask them, and your husband if they care more that you are there for them, versus you supplied the best toys for them.
…aaannnnd they are closing schools now.
princessnik....ay dios mio
March 2nd, 2010
9:49 am
oops typing too fast
9:45 post should read how much HARDWORK raising just one child is
princessnik....ay dios mio
March 2nd, 2010
9:50 am
@ CEE
But ask them, and your husband if they care more that you are there for them
yep kids spell love T-I-M-E
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA BLACK DYNAMITE!
March 2nd, 2010
9:50 am
The bigest problem is this.. People think when they get married its still your money instead of ya’ll/our money.. When you get married you have to have the mindset that I dont have just my money I have household income..
East Point's Own
March 2nd, 2010
9:52 am
If this couple lives together then it has to be a group decision for either party to stop working, as it will have a huge impact of both of their lifestyles, not to mention added expenses of a child. What matters here is the scale. If they are both in the 6 figure range, but she makes more then its much more feasible for her to consider working less, or not at all, provided she will not be expecting her man to cover a huge pile of debt she has acquired over the years. On the other hand, if she makes $45K and he makes $35K it is not reasonable for her to expect him to be able to cover everything alone on his income.
But either way they have to agree, because it will affect everything from their lifstyles now, up through their retirement, insurance, travel plans, or their lack of the ability to retire potentially.
http://hispointofview.com
mqew
March 2nd, 2010
9:53 am
How bout this, I’ll be a stay at home mom; AND I’ll send the munchkins to school/daycare
Before I entered into motherhood, I had always said that I’d LOVE to stay home with my kids and even consider homeschooling….. NOT
I don’t say that crazy isht anymore. That lil boy is too much for me!!! Off to school/daycare you go
I thoroughly believe that anyone that have more than two kids is just plain showing off
Now he’s three and he’s a lil easier to manage and he behaves cause it’s about negotiating… you do this, you get to go to Chuckie Cheese (damn those commercials on Nickelodeon) or Tumble tots…
princessnik....ay dios mio
March 2nd, 2010
9:53 am
DK, you better say that!
I get so confused when i hear married folks say, i pay these bills, my s/o pays those bills,…….
Mack Nif
March 2nd, 2010
9:55 am
@cee..i hate the word compromise..when you compromise you are coming from a position of weakness..i like cooperation better..meaning everyone playing there role
princessnik....ay dios mio
March 2nd, 2010
9:56 am
mqew you too much lol
I thoroughly believe that anyone that have more than two kids is just plain showing off
now that is hilarious, i am the youngest of 8 BUT, only one other sibling was still home when i came along…….
Jay
March 2nd, 2010
9:57 am
Lurking makes a great point. Although each family has their own plan for success. Thats a lot of pressure to put on a sole bread winner. For instance, the economy or a illness. I believe the spouse should contributed something. If she/he are forced by into the workplace it could be a easy transition.
Cemeeli
March 2nd, 2010
10:00 am
I thoroughly believe that anyone that have more than two kids is just plain showing off.
@ mqew – Okay. I just look at ‘em when they have like a 11, 7, 5, and 3 year old…Cause i’m just trying to figure out the art of all that.
@ princess – the lil bandit recalls when i was in the Mommy club…being one of a few at the school with him a lot, and balancing less work hours. like you said + quality time.
princessnik....ay dios mio
March 2nd, 2010
10:00 am
My best friend and her hubby did this:
she makes about 70,000 a year, and he is an over the road truck driver, they bank her check and live off of his income that way if anything happens they know they can get by on just one income, and the smaller of the two incomes at that.
Cemeeli
March 2nd, 2010
10:03 am
@ MacNif – Really?…but since you consider “compromise” a negative conontation. If you cooperate you’re still “giving in”.
Same definition sweetie…
cooperate/compromise = give and take.
abc
March 2nd, 2010
10:05 am
If a woman makes more than her husband, it only becomes a problem if it has the effect of not allowing him to be head of the household.
If a man has a problem with his wife wanting to stop working to stay home and not work, then he isn’t living up to his role of headship.
Lurker2
March 2nd, 2010
10:06 am
Speaking of being provided for has W8 or his crew been back? It just hasnt been the same
I am whatever you say I am
March 2nd, 2010
10:07 am
snowing and I’m off today!!!!! Yippee!!!!!
After the birth of my son, I have come to realize that being a stay at home parent is not in my blood.
If I get married, one day…the ideal situation for me would be to go to school full time (dual income would allow me to go full time versus part time) for my master’s and then open up my own practice making a nice income but having a schedule that would work along better with kids (my son would be elementary school by the time I’m done)
But since I’m single……I can dream right?
I’ll save the planning for when and if it happens
mqew
March 2nd, 2010
10:08 am
Princess & Ceemee – I’m serious. I don’t see how people have all those kids… I. Just. Don’t. Get. It. For real, fa real!
I very much understand how the dynamic could change if you WANT to have all those (I’m trying hard not to say damn kids by the way)… kids. To maintain the home, you’d almost have to stay home or work part time.
Hell I had a Nanny and a housekeeper come in often when Mason was born and both of us were working….. Just don’t get it..
CoolShadow
March 2nd, 2010
10:10 am
I think that most women with maternal instincts would prefer to stay at home and raise children. With the economic pressures that we’re living through, the option for staying at home and raising children has become more of a luxury and/or lifestyle sacrifice, especially if both parents are working. The decision to scale back has to be discussed upfront and evaluated by both spouses and for a wife to make that decision unilaterally is asking for trouble.
Sexy@Cool.com
March 2nd, 2010
10:11 am
I would leave the workforce to be a full time wife and mother in a heartbeat once I got married.
Not because I want HIM to take care of ME, but because I want to be in a position to use my skills, knowledge and energy to focus on providing a better home environement for US.
I am whatever you say I am
March 2nd, 2010
10:12 am
My thoughts: If a man has a problem with the women making more money, he would be better off with someone that makes less than him.
If the woman makes more, let her man be the man! Geesh! Just because you make more, still let the man wear the pants!!!! He doesn’t need to hear “will i have money for this so this is what we are doing , or no we can’t do that because you don’t have enough money, etc…..
It doesn’t matter who brings home what, at the end of the day it is still used for the benefit of everyone in the household!
Melo
March 2nd, 2010
10:12 am
I thoroughly believe that anyone that have more than two kids is just plain showing off
@mqew
u funny…that hit me
yeah.3 rugrats aint easy. And they eat like wild pigs…put 2 loaves of bread in the pantry and 2 gallons milk in the frezer, in 5 hrs u almost contemplating going back to publix!
…..
it takes more than money to raise the kids well…..
Im not comforable with her staying at home unless I proly dble my income.
Think about retirement,savins,insurance,car notes,their clothes,extra lessons and tutoring,house notes,monthly bills,food,vacation,dentist and doctor copays etc…
We wld have to ask for food stamps to manage and im not one to be on the system so no one income household for me unless our earnings dble up.
Merning!!
princessnik....ay dios mio
March 2nd, 2010
10:13 am
mqew i feel ya, i always thought i wanted three kids, then miss lady came along and i said okay maybe two but the older i get i’m like uhhhhhh one is fine LOL, I have no desire to plan my retirement around my childs graduation.
DreamsMaterialize
March 2nd, 2010
10:15 am
and even consider homeschooling
Most parents aren’t cut out for home schooling. It takes lots of work, structure, and consistency that most honestly aren’t willing to maintain.
People think when they get married its still your money instead of ya’ll/our money
People have funny definitions when it comes to money. Like, “you pay all the bills and provide with your money. I’ll just spend mine.”
I am whatever you say I am
March 2nd, 2010
10:16 am
Cool Shadow: I have very strong maternal instincts, I just prefer to be out and about making money. I enjoyed being with my son when I was on maternity leave but I also missed working.
The happy medium for me would be to have my own practice working 20-30 hrs per week.Basically part time.
Mack Nif
March 2nd, 2010
10:17 am
For CEE — explain to me how they are the same..
To compromise is to make a deal where someone gives up part of, or all of its demand. In arguments, compromise is a concept of finding agreement through communication, through a mutual acceptance of terms—often involving variations from an original goal or desire.
Cooperation, co-operation, or coöperation[1] is the process of working or acting together, which can be accomplished by both intentional and non-intentional agents. In its simplest form it involves things working in harmony, side by side, while in its more complicated forms, it can involve something as complex as the inner workings of a human being or even the social patterns of a nation.
mqew
March 2nd, 2010
10:17 am
Oh and my family thought I was being wasteful because they know (as well as everyone else) that it can be done without the nanny and a housecleaner….. It just wasn’t in me then! shrug
I can do it now because I’m not working, and because I’m not the same person I was three years ago
Cemeeli
March 2nd, 2010
10:17 am
@ mqew – Auh i see…the dang kids are not going to have you running around like a chicken with her head cut off.
I get that…yeah i get that, sis!!!
princessnik....ay dios mio
March 2nd, 2010
10:17 am
dang Mack Nif, you went all Miriam Webster this a.m. lol
Cemeeli
March 2nd, 2010
10:21 am
“For CEE — explain to me how they are the same”..
@ MacNif- Just reread your very post. Or, maybe i can learn to copy and past today…
* compromise is a concept of finding agreement.
* cooperation is the process of working or acting together,…to accomplish.
mqew
March 2nd, 2010
10:21 am
Sexy.com – Yeah, that’s exactly how I use to feel. Kids are unbelieveably sweet an their miracles within themselves….
You wanna babysit luv
princessnik....ay dios mio
March 2nd, 2010
10:21 am
mqew/Ceemee
I always wonder how they manage to juggle all the activities of that many kids. Lil mamma is about to do tee-ball and we are ending our hiatus from gymnastics and I’m wondering where will the time come from….