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When She Pays

I can empathize with men who shell out so much money when they go out with women.  It can get expensive to pay for two people go out, especially in Atlanta.  Often times, the issue of going dutch vs. one person pays kind of works itself out after a couple of months.

When a guy offers to take me out, he plans the date and is prepared to cover the costs. When I make an effort to ask the man out, I expect to handle it in the same way.  I know some women who only feel comfortable paying for men when the costs are kept low.  The idea of paying for an expensive meals, concert tickets, or weekend trips for men just doesn’t sit well with them.

When a woman pays, should she be mindful of the amount of money she spends? Is it merely the thought and gesture of offering to pay or paying that men want to see? Does it matter if she doesn’t find a way to reciprocate to the exact degree a man has treated her?

While we are on the subject of paying, why does the idea of going dutch seem so unromantic?

577 comments Add your comment

Dan - my invented truth

February 26th, 2010
8:28 am

The idea of “dutch” being unromantic is entirely cultural.

It’s actually a practical idea in that both parties pay for what they choose with no obligations (implied or otherwise) to the other person.

But it’s not romantic because we’ve all been raised to believe in certain processes, and few break free of that training and think for themselves.

But when it does happen (thinking or paying for a meal) tis a beautiful thing.

Good morning

Lady J

February 26th, 2010
8:29 am

To me going dutch for the most part means platonic friends….like lately I go on many group dates and everyone pays fro theirself or the total bill is split including the tip…..my take…..

I have a great respect for men know being single and taking me out…..On Tues I did do the comedy club by myself and it wasn’t cheap and sitting @ the tableI kept think wow if I was on a date and he was paying for two it can get pricey….I went to peters street first to kill time (and I have done this with a date so again the respect is their for men who cover costs) for 255 happy hour…..that was $10…parking @ the comedy club 10…..20 to get in…..2 item min. with tip 25 so that was 65 bucks on a Tuesday night double that and that is truly a bill meaning a household bill so again the respect level is their for men bc they really carry the lod with paying overall….

Now I truly don’t mind paying for a date bc I always can find something to do and it is my idea to do it so I will get the tix and dinner or if its a concert I will get the tix and we split the picnic basket etc….I do find it men feel sorta trap when women name the palce but slow to get the tix and they become mute bc they feel ok you can get the tix….I agree 100% with this theory….

Kudos to Men on this Happy Cold Friday!!!!! Morning Blog!!!!

Jeff

February 26th, 2010
8:35 am

Most reasonable men can see fairly quickly what a woman is all about. The ultimate question in relationships (on BOTH, sorry boeff) sides is are you a team player (us as a couple) or are you on your own team?

Jeff

February 26th, 2010
8:36 am

If a woman acts like she needs to be bought, eventually I’m going to treat her as a money transaction, if you know what I mean.

Raqi

February 26th, 2010
8:41 am

The rule is whoever invites the other pays.

2nd rule, you should at least offer to pay the tip when being treated. There are exceptions though.

3rd rule, if you are keeping a score card you don’t even need to be engaging.

“Reciprocating”, the word itself, seems to be making things a lot more difficult and robotic these days.

SlimOne...just call me Nicety!

February 26th, 2010
8:43 am

Well, being that I was out of work for 13 months and now work for slave wages, I am not so quick to suggest places to go, because I desire to be able to pay for my idea (both of us). It really bothers me because I don’t expect a dude to pay for every outing that we have. (Call me crazy)

princessnik

February 26th, 2010
8:44 am

RAQI

I agree with you.

I don’t know about dutch as in each and everytime you go out splitting the cost. But i do agree with the woman paying sometimes.

Reciprocity is always a good thing

Morning Everyone

princessnik (w/ a Kool-aid Grin)

February 26th, 2010
8:47 am

Good Morning Lady J!

Raqi

February 26th, 2010
8:48 am

The “unromance” of going dutch kinda depends on the setting.

When I was dating if we just agreed to meet up for lunch then going dutch was what it was. Not all the times. There were times when one of us paid and/or offered to pay for the other. Although we are a couple and were dating, just meeting up was not really considered a date “date”.

SlimOne...just call me Nicety!

February 26th, 2010
8:49 am

So since I make peanuts, if let’s say I go to dinner and a movie, he can get the dinner, and i’ll vouch for the movie tixs. :-D

Lady J

February 26th, 2010
8:51 am

Good Morning princessnik!!!!!!:)

Lady J

February 26th, 2010
8:52 am

yep that is my point princessnik we canpay sometimes and not keep score as to when really just do it natrually I say…..

Raqi

February 26th, 2010
8:53 am

LadyJ, I agree with the concept of sharing the cost when it’s a duo date. You get the concert and I’ll do dinner.

But what I don’t agree keeping a scorecard. If folks are comparing receipts at the end of the evening making sure I didn’t spend two pennies more than you they don’t need to be dating.

Dan - my invented truth

February 26th, 2010
8:56 am

@Raqi

Explain for me please, how each of us paying our own way (i.e. going dutch) is unromantic? If you don’t mind

Lady J

February 26th, 2010
8:56 am

yep agreed rqi that is petty childish ish that J ain’t got time for! LOL

Lady J

February 26th, 2010
8:56 am

raqi that is! LOL

princessnik (w/ a Kool-aid Grin)

February 26th, 2010
8:57 am

Dan! You came back, where you been hiding LOL

SexyCool - You need more people!

February 26th, 2010
8:58 am

Proof of whether or not I am digging a dude – I will invite him out with the understanding that it is my treat because it was my invitation.

With TheDude – that’s kinda how we play it at this point. The inviter is the payor.

Dan - my invented truth

February 26th, 2010
8:58 am

@Princess

I’ve been in and out of South Carolina for a month.

Hiding? Me? Neva that

princessnik (w/ a Kool-aid Grin)

February 26th, 2010
8:59 am

Lady J

yep that is my point princessnik we canpay sometimes and not keep score as to when really just do it natrually I say…..

yep, just wanted to repeat that. Keeping score is the unromantic part if you ask me. I don’t mind taking my boo out which means my treat.

princessnik (w/ a Kool-aid Grin)

February 26th, 2010
9:00 am

Dan,

that’s interesting, did you catch the other day when we were reminiscing about SC LOL.

Luvbug

February 26th, 2010
9:03 am

Dan – Back by popular demand. Glad to read you again. :lol:

Yes, a woman should be mindful of what a man is spending. She should not take advantage of him or his kindness. When it comes to dating, I have paid, not paid and gone dutch. In ALL honesty, I preferred to pay when I felt the guy was trying to sneak into a relationship with me…and loved the benefit (and feeling) of not paying when I really liked the guy.

Now that’s all in the beginning of the relationship. When it’s leaning more permanent, the jig is up.

Lady J

February 26th, 2010
9:03 am

I know an upcoming date thatis bout to break a sistah off is this dag on circus…..whew it cost! two adults, my child, three neices and nephew is 16pls not ilcuding parking and food….not trying to change the subject but entertainment overall cost and as Jeff mention you have to be team players no matter what the realtionship is….me and my sis splitting all cost…..smh laughing! LOL

DreamsMaterialize

February 26th, 2010
9:04 am

Morning
I don’t see what’s “unromantic” about going dutch. A man paying for a woman has a completely practical history, often unrelated to “chivalry”. There was a time when women were not allowed to educate themselves, vote, own property, and were HIGHLY discouraged from working at all. In this scenario, if a man wanted to enjoy the company of a woman, then he HAD to pay because she had no means to pay for herself. Women now have the means to pay, but they don’t want to because it doesn’t benefit them. We can also dismiss the notion of paying as a chivalrous act. Chivalry, as it was practiced in medieval times, would not apply to 98% of the eligible dating women today. It’s just another concept from the past being incorrectly applied today under the guise of being romantic. Romantic to me is a free thinker who makes choices based on the sound reasoning, not on dissected aggregations of concepts that only advance her agenda.

Lady J

February 26th, 2010
9:06 am

DreamM you went deep on a friday morning boo….lmao!

princessnik (w/ a Kool-aid Grin)

February 26th, 2010
9:06 am

Lady J

you are so right about entertainment cost!

Kids activities are just as expensive as adult activities.

Dan - my invented truth

February 26th, 2010
9:09 am

@Dreams

Exactly.

In our lifetimes the mores, conceptions, and realities have changed. If a person can’t accept that and still wants to misappropriate an arcane tradition – then lets go all the way.

I’ll pay for the dates, then go to her pop’s and buy her for six sheep and two pigs to be named at a later date. Then she’s mine…..

Lady J

February 26th, 2010
9:10 am

yeah pk I meant 160 pls too

Lady J

February 26th, 2010
9:11 am

I truly despise paying to park!!!!!!!!! Girl I hate to pay to park!

Luvbug

February 26th, 2010
9:11 am

Dreams – On average, woman are still paid less than men doing the same job. We gotta balance it out somewhere. :lol:

Lady J

February 26th, 2010
9:14 am

Lady J

February 26th, 2010
9:15 am

Luvbug you made a great point don’t take advantage of a GREAT THANG being damn greedy!!!!!! if a homecook meal cost! So again women can pull their end on many levels!

Lady J

February 26th, 2010
9:15 am

meant even a homecook meal cost….not if

kinderbabe

February 26th, 2010
9:16 am

good morning all! i don’t like the idea of paying my own way on a date. it just doesn’t feel like a date. i am cool with me OR my date paying. if both of us are in a tight spot financially we can choose free or less expensive options. who says a date has to break the bank?

princessnik (w/ a Kool-aid Grin)

February 26th, 2010
9:17 am

Me personally i’m the type that if i Know a place is super expensive, i’m going to recommend we go somewhere else and if you insist you want to go there then to me that means you are willing and able to cover the cost. Don’t try to blow my mind with some superfancy super expensive “date”. Because when i get ready to treat it is going to be within my means.

princessnik (w/ a Kool-aid Grin)

February 26th, 2010
9:18 am

Hey KB, i totally agree

couldn’t locate the duplicate Mary J song……..

Lady J

February 26th, 2010
9:20 am

yep and in Atlanta KB you can find great alternatives than the usual…….

DreamsMaterialize

February 26th, 2010
9:22 am

If I were making out like a bandit, then I wouldn’t want to “keep score” either. You never want to keep score because if we ever did, I might actually see how much I’m getting robbed. lol

Sorry Lady J. Let me do two doubles of Don Julio so I can lighten up. ;-)

Dan they don’t want to go all the way. If we truly applied chivalry, then almost none of them would be beneficiaries of it. Chivalry applied to nobility who were maidens.
Dreams now shouting out “Do we have a maiden in house?!? Any maiden will do!

Luvbug I know the playing field is still now level. Women are making about 80% of what men make to do the same job. So, when we go out we can easily account for that. You just pay for 80% of your share. LOL

Lady J

February 26th, 2010
9:22 am

I knowon a friday I ain’t doing no history class DreamsM but I respect your stance!!!! hahaha

SexyCool - You need more people!

February 26th, 2010
9:23 am

If a guy suggests an expensive place to take me to dinner, I’m not going to try and change his mind. IMO – he knew what was in his pockets when he made the suggestion.

Besides, I’m all for a guy treating me as nice as his budget will allow. Who am I to lower his bar and make him think that I don’t want him going all out for me? Of course I do. Not only am I worth it – if he proves to be The One, I will certainly be going all out for him.

Luvbug

February 26th, 2010
9:23 am

Lady J – Funny enough, I was thinking about Dreams’ example of telling his date she’s on her own if she wants to buy vintage wine. That still tickles me b/c I can think of a woman who will push it that far.

Some men do not say no for fear of embarrassment and some women know it and takes advantage.

Guys should say no. That’s a very sexy word from a guy when the time is appropriate. It sets boundaries.

SexyCool - You need more people!

February 26th, 2010
9:25 am

So, Dreams, a chick was only shown chivalry when she was a maiden?

Married women of that time were no longer considered maidens. Does that mean then that they were not due the common courtesies dictated by the rules of polite society during the period to which you refer simply because they had taken a husband?

mytw♥cents

February 26th, 2010
9:26 am

Although in most ways, I have traditional leanings, I think this Dutch debate can really show how s.e.l.f.i.s.h. some of us can be. Sowwy ladies. I will treat him as well as I treat me – meaning if I’d take myself, I’d take us. And I’ve talked myself into some pretty nice treats. I think ladies that have a big problem with this are probably also bad gift givers. (this is a phenomena i’ve observed for many years.) She’s the first one in the Secret Santa pot, gives a gift she wouldn’t want… but has high expectations for what’s given to her. Selfish.

DAN We missed Harassing reading you, man. Obviously, Wisey knew this would bring ya back to us.

Luvbug

February 26th, 2010
9:26 am

*take* advantage

Lady J

February 26th, 2010
9:26 am

and DreamsM I was thinking about that really over that three yr period on how both of us spent including travel it is an ivestment be it short term or long term….I like to play and some time I play hard and it cost money so you have to pay to play…..with playing I am realistic and pay off debts I created too…nothing like being on a date thinking about a bill…..lol

Dan - my invented truth

February 26th, 2010
9:27 am

@Luvbug

You speaking of lames, not “guys”, lames.

I’ll be daggoned if I have to pull out a card because she wants to act crazy….

princessnik (w/ a Kool-aid Grin)

February 26th, 2010
9:27 am

sexy cool

Not only am I worth it – if he proves to be The One, I will certainly be going all out for him.

yep yep!

DreamsMaterialize

February 26th, 2010
9:31 am

I notice that whever we start talking about approaching and paying, then the HMCA comes up (Homecooked Meal Counter Arguement). A homecooked meal is not a benefit or a privelege; it should be a GIVEN for any self-sufficient man. Most of the women I’ve met/dated couldn’t cook better than me anyway. ;-)

M. (pronouced M dot aka The Return of the Mack)

February 26th, 2010
9:31 am

What’s up all. I thought I would chime in…

When women pay, I am sure that it makes them uncomfortable because it goes against everything their Dad probably told them.

But this is 2010, and if women can afford a $300 sew in weave, she can afford to take you to Houstons. ;)

“When a woman pays, should she be mindful of the amount of money she spends?”

No she should NOT be mindful because if she really likes the guy, this amount wont matter. What if guy’s were mindful of the amount of money we spent on her? We would be called cheap, frugal and get clowned by women right?

Women love to use that notion, “I will pay if I ask him out”, but ladies you really dont ask guys out therefore you can justify it to yourself when you dont pay. You can say things like he has to earn my attention, he is paying for my attention, and I am doing him a favor so lets call it what it really is….An exchange relationship.

And also, why do women play that “Ill pay the tip card”? Honestly that means nothing to us. It’s like if we were moving 50 bricks, and already did 49 and you come along like I can do this, it is pointless. The tab is $100, your $10.00 tip wont make things any better so just put it towards an actual date where YOU will pay.

Reciprocate-Verb, To give, feel, etc. in RETURN!

Dan - my invented truth

February 26th, 2010
9:32 am

@My2

I like that 9:26!!

Selfish is the word.

I’m paying, she wants lobster. She pays, salad. riiiiigghhhtt

And Raqi, it’s not “keeping score” it’s being mindful of how she treats me.