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Do you trust your judgment?

My friend Nathan has been dating “Ella” exclusively for a little over a year now.  He recently found out the reason Ella’s first marriage ended was because of infidelity, on her part.  I could tell that this news was really bothering him because Nathan broke up with his fiancee three years ago because she was cheating on him.

Obviously, he is concerned about the type of woman he is drawn to.  He wonders why he seems to attract the women that have a problem staying faithful.  I tell him that women do it all the time and someone’s past should not be held against them.  What do you think?

Do some men think that female cheaters are not worthy of redemption?  A lot of women forgive cheating, overlook a partner’s past and find a way to handle it.  Is it harder for men to do this?

Have you ever noticed some kind of behavior pattern in the people that you have dated? Has that been a good thing or bad thing?

Do you trust your judgment when it comes to picking people that you date? Do you have moments when you second guess yourself?

465 comments Add your comment

princessnik

February 25th, 2010
8:33 am

A lot of women forgive cheating, overlook a partner’s past and find a way to handle it. Is it harder for men to do this?

yes, for whatever reason men have a much harder time with this

Have you ever noticed some kind of behavior pattern in the people that you have dated? Has that been a good thing or bad thing?

yes, good and bad

Do you have moments when you second guess yourself?

yep

Good Morning Everyone

Leggs

February 25th, 2010
8:34 am

Good morning.

I trust my judgment very much. It’s not that he’s picking women that cheat because he’s now aware of this upfront. He’s picking women that he’s attracted to, not women who cheat. Yes, I think it’s harder for men to forgive woomen. Heck most on this blog have said so. Herein lies the double edge sword. What’s good for the goose is not good for the gander.

Someone’s past shouldn’t be held against them??? Hmmm, all depends on what that checkered past encompasses. Murder, history of cheating, rapist, yeah, it should be held against them! I know, I know that’s not what you’re asking.

This morning I have worms for brains and bricks in my chest. I’m feeling mighty puny!

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
8:41 am

I cosign your post princessnik….hey Leggs!

Morning….

Leggs

February 25th, 2010
8:43 am

Hi LadyJ ~ Whoever is in my area, please come to the 5th floor and give me a rubdown! I’ll be the one sitting in the corner with a blanket and a cup of tea!

lurker

February 25th, 2010
8:47 am

Do some men think that female cheaters not worthy of redemption? A lot of women forgive cheating, overlook a partner’s past and find a way to handle it. Is it harder for men to do this?

The old double standard. This is be in effect along as time exists.

Do you trust your judgment when it comes to picking people that you date? Do you have moments when you second guess yourself?

If I can’t trust myself who else then? I don’t think any one of us should be too harsh on past choices or mistakes as it’s life. Along with that, the one thing I’ve come to learn is this, what or who you are is you. Good, bad or indifferent. When it’s revealed (because it will be) that you’re a liar or cheat, that’s still you. Nothing to do with me. However, should you choose to stick around for the show, then you’re displaying bad judgement.

Living Life

February 25th, 2010
8:48 am

Good Morning All!! I agree princessnik. I still for the lif of me can’t figure out why some of us women can forgive men that cheat, but men can’t forgive women for cheating.

lurker

February 25th, 2010
8:48 am

“this will be in effect….” is what I meant

kinderbabe

February 25th, 2010
8:58 am

definitely finding that there is no formula to how relationships proceed after one or both parties cheat. i really think it depends on the couple. i don’t think men or women have ownership over the inability to forgive cheating. to me, forgiveness is releasing resentment from the situation so that i can move forward. sometimes that means with the person who cheated, sometimes without. i can admit, most of the times it means without…lol. also, i am a STRONG believer that we often attract what we feel we deserve. secretly, a lot of ppl struggle with the idea of someone being “all theirs.” we say a lot of things superficially that is not believed in a core sense. it’s all lip service. what/who you REALLY feel you deserve is ultimately who/what you wind up with. every other experience is just a process of getting to heart of your true thoughts on love.

Raqi

February 25th, 2010
8:59 am

We live and we learn. As we get older we all should have some experience under our belts that helps us back better decisions. Have better judgment.

There is a double standard when it comes to certain between men and women. I don’t think we will ever change that.

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:02 am

and kb forgivness starts within you have to come to peace with self before you can forgive others!!!! It is my living tetimony so no I won’t hold thier past agaisnt them and when I see for a half sec my past is being used agaisnt me i am OUT!!! Can’t change one’s perception but I can’t make you want me wither…..As Raqi pointed out growth comes from experience and all I can say is Take Me As I Am-A Better Woman or keep it moving!:)

Leggs

February 25th, 2010
9:04 am

General Platt has a stint in Las Vegas w/his Pants On The Ground message! Yay for him!

kinderbabe

February 25th, 2010
9:05 am

lady j…i agree. everything starts with self. the past is something we can’t change however there’s a lot to be learned from it. take me as i am is a good motto.:)

princessnik

February 25th, 2010
9:07 am

Yep everything starts with self, and when i see the same “bad” trait reappear in relationships then i have to look within myself and see what am i puttin out into the universe to attract that

Living Life

February 25th, 2010
9:07 am

Raqi: so true. The double standard will always be here.
Kinderbabe: Your right we attract ppl we feel we deserve.. I have a friend right now that the boyfriend is cheating on her and so she in turn is cheating on him and when I ask her is she okay with it she says well a man will be a man like its okay for her not to expect more out of him. One of her men friends has went on to say if they get married she will need a man on the side to get with every now and again. I am like are you serious.. WOW

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:07 am

Raqi

February 25th, 2010
9:08 am

i am a STRONG believer that we often attract what we feel we deserve.

Kinderbabe, that’s an interesting statement. I think we often attract what we put out in the universe. Like if a person is weak minded and maybe have low self esteem, they will usually attract a person that will often run over or mistreat them.

But I don’t know about feeling inwardly like you deserve such as being a way of attracting a person that is not or will not be faithful.

Now I do know sometimes when some people grow up seeing a certain thing it tends to become what they expect therefore being drawn to such lifestyle. And I guess that could kinda fall under the inwardly feeling like you deserve it category.

princessnik

February 25th, 2010
9:09 am

@ Living Life

boyfriend is cheating on her and so she in turn is cheating on him

wow, I remember being in that situation when i was 20 and dumb

Living Life

February 25th, 2010
9:11 am

Lady J: Right on!!! You have to forgive people and move on with your life. All the bumps in the road should only make us smarter and stronger. If you don’t forgive that person has control over you.

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:11 am

I do know a issue I am working is is not being so damn defensive about being divorce….all I can say it is a process it it hasn’t even been 5 yrs not really putting a time frame on it I just hope over time I can let my guards down a bit more….I hope….

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:12 am

Right Living Life and I love your moniker! Welcome!:)

Living Life

February 25th, 2010
9:14 am

@princessnik… I know right.. She is 30. Wow is all I can say.. I have been cheated, but that didn’t make me want to go cheat on him. I love myself too much and was not going to degrade myself by sleeping with other men. I’d be out of that relationship in a heartbeat.

princessnik

February 25th, 2010
9:16 am

Living Life/Lady J

All the bumps in the road should only make us smarter and stronger

very true words! I look back at the way i was and the things i used to accept I did some bad things and had some bad things done to me……and i’m stronger and wiser and a better woman because of it all.

lurker

February 25th, 2010
9:16 am

I don’t buy into you attract what you are. However, I do believe if inwardly, you have not come to the realization that you deserve better and REALLY come to terms with your self worth, then you won’t know to accept better.

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:17 am

Laws of Attraction is really and the irony of it leaves me baffled as to what I know I need to improve bc it isn’t a mistake I keep attracting the same type of men with dirrent names…I tell ya it is an eye opener when you are true to thy own self…..slight tear! LOL

Living Life

February 25th, 2010
9:17 am

@Lady J. I feel ya. I was separated for 5 yrs. (felt like a divorce), but actually just recently got the decree. Your right you have to try to let your guard down slowly but surely. It will come in time.

princessnik

February 25th, 2010
9:18 am

Living Life

I’d be out of that relationship in a heartbeat.

yep me too now that i’m older and wiser, I now know that if you gotta go through all of that that is not the person you need to be with

No More Drama!

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:18 am

you do yeild what you put out in my opinion….I do embrace it daily that is why I try to do better…10 years ago I put out mess trust and you reap what you sew or sow whatever it is but I feel it is true….

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:18 am

thanks chica!

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:19 am

meant is is real not really or it can be really real HAHAHA! I am feeling some kind of way this morning I need some tea!

Sassy Me :-)

February 25th, 2010
9:21 am

A lot of women forgive cheating, overlook a partner’s past and find a way to handle it. Is it harder for men to do this?

Yes,yes and yes…I think we just touched on this the other day but men are territorial and just the thought of their woman with another is too much for some and knowing that she has will forever leave a visual etched in his memory he may never get over.

Do you trust your judgment when it comes to picking people that you date? Do you have moments when you second guess yourself?

Yes I do, if not me then who. For me it’s about intuition and that gut feeling…if something doesn’t feel right then I’m out and vice versa. I’m suspicious by nature so I take my time getting to know someone new I’m interested in/dating,etc.

princessnik

February 25th, 2010
9:25 am

Lady J

I cosign your 9:18

kinderbabe

February 25th, 2010
9:25 am

@living life…i pray that your friend will realize that she is deserving of someone faithful. our expectations play such a big role in what we get.

@raqi…don’t get me wrong. i am not advocating a “blame game” or inferring that we are responsible for the inconsiderate behavior of others. when someone cheats, it is not the other person’s “fault.” i’m talking about expectations. as you said due to cultural and societal perspectives, we paint a picture of what a relationship is like. sometimes that picture involves unfaithfulness. it’s up to us to paint the picture of what ultimately brings peace and happiness we desire.

DreamsMaterialize

February 25th, 2010
9:25 am

Morning
Men and women can’t be put into a box. Everyone deals with infidelity in a different way, depending on the circumstance. If I were in Nathan’s shoes, I would definitely be second guessing whether we should move forward, especially since it took a year of dating for him to find this out. Is Nathan a “nice” guy? A lot of women will date a nice guy, even when he isn’t their type. They’re conflicted because they feel that they should want to date this type of guy, but they’re not really attracted to him. So, they date him, against their natural prefernce, and then what happens? They run into the guy who does fit that preference and they cheat. Never try to convince someone that you’re right for them, it’ll only lead to disappointment.

princessnik

February 25th, 2010
9:31 am

Dreams M

Never try to convince someone that you’re right for them, it’ll only lead to disappointment.

AMEN brotha!

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:34 am

yep me too now that i’m older and wiser, I now know that if you gotta go through all of that that is not the person you need to be with

No More Drama!

Great post princessnik….That jumping through hoops when you know the sh*t ain’t right just for sake of having a man is for the damn birds….seriously….it is too draining and that thing called self esteem will be in the negative mode……respect and sanity is PRICESLESS!!!

Sure there will be normal conflict and you work through it with the same goal to move forward together…..anything else needs to be nip early on….people are who they are and when they tell you and show you with actions believe them and make a responsible decision even if it hurts….you weep and keep it moving!

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:34 am

Good Post DreamsM!

OLD FAITHFUL

February 25th, 2010
9:35 am

He wonders why he seems to attract the women that have a problem staying faithful. I tell him that women do it all the time…..ARE YOU KIDDING ME.?????….WOMEN DO NOT DO IT ALL THE TIME..!!!!….YOU ARE EITHER YOUNG, DUMB OR JUST INEXPERIENCED….

princessnik

February 25th, 2010
9:36 am

I’ve heard Oprah say

“when people show you who they are, beleive them THE FIRST TIME”

princessnik

February 25th, 2010
9:37 am

oops believe

kinderbabe

February 25th, 2010
9:37 am

attracting what you “are” is not a literal interpretation. instead it simply means as you think, you will have. if you didn’t have any thoughts or negative feelings about cheating or whatever the adverse situation was it would be impossible to find yourself in that situation. it works the same in a positive scenario. i am a science person, let’s use magnets for example. if an object does not have a trace of iron in it, the magnet will not attract it…period. also, i feel there is a certain defensiveness that comes b/c ppl think the law of attraction is used to bash or blame one for their conditions. it’s not that kind of thing. simply reflection and being invested in the probability one’s circumstances.

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:47 am

yep kb that is my point! we are buddies for a reason! LOL You making me smile! Good post!

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:48 am

i feel there is a certain defensiveness that comes b/c ppl think the law of attraction is used to bash or blame one for their conditions. it’s not that kind of thing. simply reflection and being invested in the probability one’s circumstances.

love it kb!!!!! real talk! you broke that down boo! LOL

kinderbabe

February 25th, 2010
9:51 am

thanks, lady j!!:) i appreciate that. you are right, we are friends for a reason! you keep it real girlie.:)

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:52 am

princessnik yes it was here and it is the truth….one dude told me he HATES kids I didn’t get in a shouting match just reminded him it is ok not to want kids but someone had him and it can be a blessing and NEVER looked back….I am a woman, I am divorced, and I am a mother…..those factors aren’t changing…to each its own but I won’t be disrespected for being any of the three…..lol

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:52 am

key word that was my first thought sis you are my friend!

Cemeeli

February 25th, 2010
9:53 am

Ooookaay…ya’ll were some chatter boxes yesterday. 8 pages!!!

@ Melo – How do you do that GPS thingy? That’s some awesome stuff guy…Is that a gift within all my motherland kin? I’m truly intrigue.

a side note ya’ll…..

i’m thankful to be grown, peeps…I was looking at my favorite personal stuff this morning…you know, like my favorite body lotions, my hair products, earrings, jewelry and stuff, and I smiled …remember when you are under your parents, they’d get what they felt, and you just havta deal wit it? My momma was a Vaseline lotion & cocoa butter fan, and she likes gold jewelry. I’d get her hand- me-downs, old purses, jewelry. ‘n I haven’t used Vaseline in years…and since mamma was gifted in sewing…lawd, if she made one more scoop neck blouse!

..being grown is cool, even though I tell kids it ain’t all that…respectfully tho, that “my own” is why we ourselves wanted to be “grown”, so bad.

I might do a kinderbabe and buy me a pair of curvy Levi’s.

Cemeeli

February 25th, 2010
9:55 am

Good morning…by the way.

Dream_n

February 25th, 2010
9:57 am

Morning Everyone!

I believe in second chances, do overs, live and learn, all those sayings. I wouldn’t hold it against someone if they were a cheater before, but I would keep my eye open for potential signs. It’s not right, but what you’ve done in your past good or bad can directly effect your future and could cause people to look at you in a different light.

Personally I don’t like cheaters. I think they’re sneaky and I really dislike sneaky people. I do believe a person can change. I dont’ chalk it up to, Oh they were young in their teens or twenties. No it was who you were (or still are). There are are plenty of young folk that hold to steady to their values, so justifying your negligence with someone else’s feelings is on you and your character not your age.

So I trust my judgement when picking a potential mate??
I would like to say that I would chose someone that is compatible with me, makes me happy, and we enjoy eachother’s time and company. So in that aspect I trust what I’m looking to go after, but I can’t take responsibility for the actions of another human being.

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:58 am

This subject makes me think about songs today blog sitahs…..No More Drama Mary J, When Erykah Badu says “I am sensitive about my sh*t”, Mary J Take me as I am………ok princessnik follow up sis! LOL I can’t turn on any music so the blog will be my playlist today! LMAO!

Hey sistah cee!

Lady J

February 25th, 2010
9:59 am

Dream_n that was a great assessment really! You have to protect you but be open….lol!:)