Chasing Pavements
One of my favorite singer/songwriters, Adele sings about chasing after love, even if it leads nowhere. It reminds me of what it feels like to be the woman asking a guy out first. I know men are used to this feeling, all the time, but for a lady, there could be more at stake. Every time a woman asks a man out first, she is taking a risk at shifting the dynamics of a future relationship.
Is it better for a woman to make such a risk if she feels that strong of an attraction to a guy?
When women approach men, what exactly do they stand to lose? I always hear so many men say that they truly admire a woman that can ask him out. I have no hard statistics, but these same men aren’t actually married or in a relationship with that woman. So is it really admirable or are men secretly thinking they don’t want to be the one pursued after all?
When a woman asks a man out, is she chasing pavements? Can it ever lead to a relationship with good potential?
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361 comments Add your comment
Lady J
February 18th, 2010
12:06 pm
Mo not usher!!!!!! I don’t do him lol but glad you like the song! LOL!
kimmie
February 18th, 2010
12:07 pm
Yes, it’s just that simple
If only it was. If it was, we would not be having this discussion.
A real man is going to be a man regardless, no person can take that from him.
This has always been my take! In fact, I’ve always found that whole “let a man be a man” stuff hillarious. That’s like me saying a dude won’t let me be a woman. I’m all woman and nothing will ever stop that!
PRINCESSNIK
February 18th, 2010
12:08 pm
lady j, no usher for you
i think his cd is going to be a good one
Mo I’m with ya I love Daddy’s home
Cemeeli
February 18th, 2010
12:08 pm
Now passin’ Mo some pop cone in a cup…and a lil pepsi to follow.
Her you go Mo cain’t have you choking on the pop cone….4 oz wont hurt.
kimmie
February 18th, 2010
12:09 pm
Melo – What’s your take on a woman asking for your number and a date?
Lady J
February 18th, 2010
12:11 pm
PRINCESSNIK nope and it goes waaaaaaaaayyyyy back never did and Papers made me totally write him off! LOL I am a Tevin Campbell chic if we comparing the two….Usher just never did it for me I remember in college not caring for him! LOL
PRINCESSNIK
February 18th, 2010
12:13 pm
@ Kimmie…..A real man is going to be a man regardless, no person can take that from him.
a lot of times Women don’t know how to fall back and let the man do what men are supposed to do, we’ve become so programmed to “do it all” that we feel like a man is imposing on our self proclaimed independence
Mo (aka Moeisha - tired as h3ll! )
February 18th, 2010
12:14 pm
Lady J – now I dont like Papers…awful song. But I like Tevin Campbell too, Always in My Heart is one of my favs by him
PRINCESSNIK – I ‘ahem’ got a lil bit of Usher’s new cd…..it wont beat Confessions but it will be better than Here I Stand
Cemeeli – THANK YOU CHICA!! Now dont mind the way I scoff it down…..lol
Melo
February 18th, 2010
12:15 pm
What’s your take on a woman asking for your number and a date?
@Kimmie!??
im really ok with a warm smile,nice set of teeth and just a nod,suggesting i can converse with her at ease and if i wanna approach,she aint mugging me.
Str8 up “u look nice,ooohhh,can i have ur number,what do u do” is gonna get her the number,no problem(coz im just polite) but lots of ???? in my head.
Unless she has something really redeeming in her head and background,she str8 up sirlon..ready to be devoured!
Nothing more,nothing less!
PRINCESSNIK
February 18th, 2010
12:19 pm
Lady J…..I like most of Usher’s music, now i don’t own the usher cd library or anything
I used to have a crush on tevin too……………thank goodness i got over that cause its just summin……
kimmie
February 18th, 2010
12:20 pm
a lot of times Women don’t know how to fall back and let the man do what men are supposed to do, we’ve become so programmed to “do it all” that we feel like a man is imposing on our self proclaimed independence
Princess – Oh, I totally get that. Yes, it can be a little tough, but a lot of times that independance is not “self-proclaimed”, but out of necessity, because the man had not stepped up. Those that have not stepped up anyway are usually the ones I see doing the most complaining about “too independant” women. But, that’s my observation and a whole nother Oprah!
I am loved (or at least I thought I was)
February 18th, 2010
12:21 pm
I would like to clarify that I made every attempt to get this man back his stuff but he chose to ignore me.
I did not want to mail the key or just drop it off because I did not want to be held responsible if someone broke into his apt.
Otherwise may have felt “Who cares” but that is not my attitude.
Please say don’t have the woe me attitude.
Look, When I hurt I hurt. It’s okay for me to cry, vent, etc…
I much rather go thru the hurt and pain so that if it is ever meant for me to be with someone new, I will be in a healthier state.
This is one of the reasons why I wanted to stop blogging, I didn’t want to her comments like well we saw this coming and it could have been prevented, etc.
Like I said before, I made every attempt to give him his stuff back and when he didn’t respond I boxed it up and put it out of site.
I am not the type of woman to throw someone’s stuff out because they’re not coming to get it.
I also look at it from his perspective: Maybe he didn’t contact me to avoid confrontation, maybe he didn’t contact me because he wasn’t sure how to tell me the news, maybe he didn’t contact me because it wasn’t important at the time.
Who cares1?! This chapter of my life is now closed and it hurts like hell.
All I ever wanted was to find someone that loved me as much as I loved them and enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed theirs.
For 34 years (yes Melo, I’m 34) all I’ve ever wanted was to be loved, marriage, kids, etc….
I have my son and I love him dearly but I still want a husband, etc…
I don’t know if it will ever happen for me but after 34 yrs, I’m real tired of the hurt and the game.
I’ve never really been one for games and maybe that’s why I’m losing because I choose not to play it.
As far as the ex goes, I wish him the best and I hope the new chick is everything he ever wanted.
NY2GA
February 18th, 2010
12:21 pm
Kimmie – Exactly, you are all woman and know one is/can take that away from you.
We are having this discussion not because things are and can’t be simple, we are having the discussion to show how different people think. I also laugh at the notion of let a man be a man nonsense, wasted time and energy…
PRINCESSNIK – If it’s a real dude, the woman does not have to fall back or do anything different. What is it that the woman is doing that she needs to fall back on? Asking for a number, asking to go out for a drink, or something much more? I like a woman that can handle hers and do for herself, does not have any impact on my manhood. Now when I come into the picture, I should be able to help enhance what she is doing, not take anything away, that’s how real dudes think.
NY2GA
February 18th, 2010
12:23 pm
Professor – pre’ciate that … Just trying to keep it real.
kimmie
February 18th, 2010
12:23 pm
Melo – Thanks for your honesty!
kimmie
February 18th, 2010
12:26 pm
NY2GA – You sound like a real stand-up MAN! Cool post!
PRINCESSNIK
February 18th, 2010
12:26 pm
NY2GA, i’m speaking in terms of a relationship, not just a meeting. Let me give you an example, right now i do my own yardwork, fix minor things as needed, pay all the bills etc…..now if/when i get married some of those things should know longer be 100% my duty. Some women will continue to try and do everything and not give dude the chance to “be a man”.
“I should be able to help enhance what she is doing”
I absolutely agree, where I am weak he should be strong and vice versa
PRINCESSNIK
February 18th, 2010
12:28 pm
I am loved……you wanna borrow my waiting to exhale soundtrack cd?
Raqi
February 18th, 2010
12:29 pm
I agree that no one can stop us from being who we are. If the person is not down with who you are and how you deal that person is not the one for you.
Melo
February 18th, 2010
12:30 pm
but a lot of times that independance is not “self-proclaimed”, but out of necessity, because the man had not stepped up.
@Kimmie!
I agree,or that she just dont know how to let a man do it. Some females did not grow up in that environement and may not know how to do it.My Queen had a passive kinda dad.From what i hear,he was entrenuerial,had a thriving bizzness,left a cpple of homes to his wife and kids but the pic i get is that his wife(my mom in law) soemhow ran the show.And my Queen, i think inherited her mum traits.
She didnt know how to be a woman and let a man be a man,esp after we were married,untill after we got thru some issues and after she learnt some lessons thru our church women(this,she confessed to me)
So yeah,its takes learning and growing up osmosis(from parents/family) smtimes to learn how to be a woman and be led!
PRINCESSNIK
February 18th, 2010
12:31 pm
Melo!!
i agree
Raqi
February 18th, 2010
12:35 pm
Princess, I agree with you but IMO in this case it’s not the contribution of manual labor that makes a man. It’s his authoritative nature. His courage. His leadership. His reasoning. His giving of respect. His ability to love. His accountability.
PRINCESSNIK
February 18th, 2010
12:39 pm
Raqui…I wasn’t referring to simply the contribution of manual labor
a very vivid memory i have from growing up was every month my dad would sit down with the bills and a legal pad and go through and write on them how much to pay, my mother would then sit down with the stack of bills and write out the checks and place them in the return envelopes, my father would then put stamps on them and take them to the post office
I am very aware of all of the aspects of what a real man contributes to the household, manual labor is just a small part of the big picture
kimmie
February 18th, 2010
12:42 pm
Melo – I respect that so much, because while I had a great example with my parents, my dealings with men turned out to be a learning experience. The men I dealt with in the past did not STEP UP, so I had to continue “wearing the pants”. I would even ASK for help & get shot down. I’m a hard worker and never played the helpless female role. I know where my weaknesses lie and am not too proud to ask for help. So, now I’m dealing with a REAL MAN, more like my dad. I have to stop myself and accept the help he gives, but it’s tough because I’m so used to having to do it all myself! It’s nice not having to carry all the weight! This is how it is suppose to be.
What I’m most grateful for though Melo, is that he recognized that in me and gently WORKED WITH me on it, instead of beyotching about it and dumping me! Or just sitting back and being lazy and not STEPPING UP. Sounds like you worked thru that with Queen, which is great and shows what a stand up man u are!
DreamsMaterialize
February 18th, 2010
12:46 pm
kimmie
Sorry to just respond…had a meeting. I have had lots of women approach or ask me out. Two women have recently sought me out, and I didn’t see anything desperate about it. They are both very attractive, one is a Ph.D. and a professor, and the other has an MBA in a very high profile position. They are both down to earth, good conversationalists, and really cool to hang out with. Their approaching me also didn’t detract from my manhood in any way. I don’t need a woman to “let me be a man” because I am already that, regardless of what she does. Only I have power over that.
DIG THAT
February 18th, 2010
12:48 pm
Wassup good people.
On topic. I actually experience being pursued pretty frequently and I don’t think anything is wrong with that. I think I read earlier and totally agree that all these professional women that are truly agressive in business and education and other avenues of life, why would it be so out of the norm for them to pursue a romantic aspect or at least a dude as gifted as myself for their other needs. If you see something you like go for it.
kimmie
February 18th, 2010
12:49 pm
Dreams – Cool. The modern man, I like that.
PRINCESSNIK
February 18th, 2010
12:50 pm
maybe we should stop using the phrase “let a man be a man” and instead say accept the things that a real man brings to the table
kimmie
February 18th, 2010
12:52 pm
Princess – I do hate that “let” phrase!
DreamsMaterialize
February 18th, 2010
12:54 pm
The modern man, I like that.
Is that what it is? It just seems like the reasonable man. lol
Mo
What’s good with you? Glad to see you poke in. Back away from the Pepsi! Besides, I still haven’t replaced it. lol
PRINCESSNIK
February 18th, 2010
12:55 pm
Kimmie,
yea when you think about it and process it, its not that you are stopping him from being a man or letting him be a man, its a matter of being open to what he is bringing or being closed to it. If a man is trying to share his strenghts and gifts (personal talents) with you and you keep on doing it your way or no way one of two things is going to happen, he will get tired and move on to a woman who is open to all he has to offer or he will try and work through it with you, in which case he still might end up moving on to where he feels he is appreciated.
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
February 18th, 2010
12:56 pm
The topic of “let a man be a man” reminds me of when my mom was showing me how to make scrambled eggs when I was younger. She was telling me what I should do and then stood watch as I did it. Apparently, I wasn’t scrambling the eggs around enough because they started to stick to the bottom of the pan. So she stepped in and took over because she couldn’t stand to watch me do it. lol Anyhoo, I said all that to say, I think that’s how women sometimes treat men when it comes to allowing the men to do what they do in the manner they feel it needs to be done. Women have gotten so used to doing certain things in their own way, that when a man comes along, they tend to have a hard time sitting back and seeing another do it, maybe not in the fashion they would do it. We are all human, so even if the man makes a mistake, still stand behind him in a supportive manner. No need to kick em while he’s down or do the “I told you so” look when he decided to go a different way than you. We still need to maintain a level of respect with each other.
PRINCESSNIK
February 18th, 2010
12:57 pm
Slim, nicely stated
Lady J
February 18th, 2010
1:00 pm
someone please help me answer this…..What might be your challenges in the clinical arena? How would you address those challenges?
Wise Diva
February 18th, 2010
1:08 pm
I can never predict what side of the debate some of you will be, LOL. I love it.
I wish we could fast forward through the Tiger Wood conference/coverage. I’m so over it, ugh
Wise Diva
February 18th, 2010
1:09 pm
uh I meant Woods, that was not intentionally left off to refer to,..oh never mind
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
February 18th, 2010
1:14 pm
Thanks Princessnik
@Wise Diva….Beeeeehave.
Cemeeli
February 18th, 2010
1:19 pm
Nicety aahhh…i just ate a good lunch.
Hmmph, somebody’s been behaving…I’m reading that 12:56 and shaking my head (in a good way) while calling the shower coordinator ’bout your sky blue pinata.
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
February 18th, 2010
1:21 pm
Mr Pinata is a self-proclaimed Hopeless romantic…he sent me this quote last night, “Dreams are like stars…you may never touch them, but if you follow them, they will lead you to your destiny” author unknown.
kimmie
February 18th, 2010
1:22 pm
Slim – Good post. Funny, my mom was the same way when she used to try to teach me stuff!
It’s been talked about on here before, and Raqi mentioned it earlier this morning, about the Natural order of things. I think a lot of this “too independant” behavior sometimes is just a natural reaction to an unnatural situation. Because regardless of what the guys have said on here, quite a few men still have very traditional views of male & female roles in relationships. And it becomes a major topic of discussion when one party does not want to go along with the tradional way of doing things. Not all bad, just different.
As for my own experience, while yes, I admit I had gotten used to having to do things myself, so much that it was automatic that I either do it myself or pay someone else to do it. Even my asking for help in the past was my way of trying to bring the guy in, see what help he could offer. With the man I have now, while I had trouble at first accepting help, I have never been disrespectful. I just can’t fathom someone being SO INDEPENDANT and driven that she would run roughshod over a man, belittling him to the point of him feeling unappreciated. This is what it sounds like when men complain about women being too independant. I guess it happens though. They’re not smart enough to be cool about it, these women? I mean, even now it’s some things that I know I could do better than my man, but I know how to make my point without putting him down. I am supportive, I chill, and then gently suggest another way we might try to accomplish something. I try to back it up with information. He’s more receptive and it usually works, no putdown or disrespect.
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
February 18th, 2010
1:23 pm
@Wise And come to think about it, i’m not sure why all of us were so surprised about Tiger Wood(s)…just think how he uses that…ah hem, NINE iron on the green. Shouldn’t have been any different in the bedroom right?
Cemeeli
February 18th, 2010
1:27 pm
Mo – Okay Usher is looking older finally.
Melo
February 18th, 2010
1:29 pm
NINE iron on the green
SlimOne…??
he uses a Nine iron on the fairway,not green!..
putter on the green.
In fact,if u are to give him credit,its for his putting ability and strokes…
Dead center,in the hole!
Cemeeli
February 18th, 2010
1:31 pm
Slim Quotes are used sometimes in place of saying “love you” stuff.
i'm swiss
February 18th, 2010
1:33 pm
Afternoon, blogville… A little late chiming in, but here goes:
“When it’s a woman they find unattractive that approaches she is labeled desperate and/or throwing herself at “men”.”
@ Raqi — This is true, however, it works both ways. You ladies know that when a dude who doesn’t live up to your standards approaches you, you (and your girls) label dude a loser & laugh your arses off at him.
You know it’s true…
Personally, I’ve been approached by women, but it’s never amounted to anything. I think probably this is because if she were a woman that I was truly interested in, I would have beaten her to the punch. Even a woman who is willing to make the first move is likely to be slower to make the move than an equally interested man, just because of the way we’re taught to behave. Consequently, all the women who have managed to beat me to the punch did so only because they we not at the top of my list to approach in the first place…
Cemeeli
February 18th, 2010
1:34 pm
I am not touching that golf nine…
ok
Mo Get back here with the bag of popcorn. and stop hiding the pepsi from folk!
Raqi
February 18th, 2010
1:34 pm
They are both very attractive, one is a Ph.D. and a professor, and the other has an MBA in a very high profile position
DreamsMat, what if they had been the total opposite, would you have labeled them as desperate had the come at you?
i'm swiss
February 18th, 2010
1:35 pm
Oops, typo… Should have read: “…they were not at the top of my list…”
Raqi
February 18th, 2010
1:37 pm
I think probably this is because if she were a woman that I was truly interested in, I would have beaten her to the punch.
Gouda, I agree with you there. But I to realize there are cases where the woman may see the guy first and like I already stated there is nothing wrong with the woman showing her interest. But the man should do the chasing.
DIG THAT
February 18th, 2010
1:37 pm
@Raqi
I have never never labled the women that approach me as desperate. Could be ego but I always think well she definitely has good taste. And she is not scared to go after what she wants