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Juggling Dates

One of the perks of being single and available is supposed to be all those options that are available to us.   Not everyone enjoys taking trips to the singles buffet, though.  The hardest part in dating around is knowing when to stop the rotation.

Personally, when I have met at least three potential candidates, I generally don’t put effort in meeting a bunch of other people.   If I happen to meet another person (this has happened on occasion), I am then left to decide on who is most promising.  Sometimes a guy eliminates himself out, other times I get eliminated!

When you are single, how do you manage your rotation?  What if your goal is to have a dating relationship that leads to a commitment?  It seems that men have an easier time managing their rotation because they generally know what category the women they are meet are placed in.

Some men prefer women who want to focus on only them.  There are also lot of guys that welcome this kind of dating behavior.Would you let the person you are seeing know that they are one of many?

Is there a way to be honest and upfront, without coming across as a commitment-phobe player?

452 comments Add your comment

Leggs

February 17th, 2010
8:34 am

Hhhrrrmmmp ~ all I can say is Good Morning (lol)!

Peaches

February 17th, 2010
8:40 am

No means No Sucka!

MzNewy

February 17th, 2010
8:41 am

Ahhhhh o Wise one…great post.
When I was single, I managed the rotation in this manner : Guy A liked music, but wasn’t into the spoken word scene. So he was my concert date. Guy B liked spoken word, was easy on the eyes and was just an all around fun guy; but I couldn’t take him seriously. Bottom line, while I was dating, I was looking for an all around guy that could fit into different roles. Until I found that all around guy, I made sure that everyone knew we were “dating”. Personally, I think that we (women) cut off other folks way too early. I have been guilty of such behavior. Just because you are going out and partaking in a meal/movie or other social activity with someone else who happens to be paying, it does not mean he is ready for something exclusive. Why can’t we just accept it for what it is “He enjoys your company for that specific moment in time” ? I think we (women) have to learn to date like men do. They are not necessarily sleeping with everyone they socialize with but they socialize, not getting too attached to any, with the purposes of finding one they would like to get attached to. We (women) look at it like going shopping, sure I didn’t set out to buy those shoes but I stumbled on them and they fit so why not buy them. So we buy them…then find out we have nothing to match them…or they don’t wear well….or that they are just all wrong for us. Then we go through the cycle again. If we spent time really dating…not sleeping with but DATING a guy we could find out that he was all wrong for us before we got too wrapped up in him.

PRINCESSNIK

February 17th, 2010
8:57 am

Morning everyone, Whew i am feeling some kind of way this a.m…………

Would you let the person you are seeing know that they are one of many?

YEP, because in the end if you are not honest it will probably back fire. I have a friend i kick it with and when i meet someone new i’m very upfront with them about him and should it get to the point that i’m feeling the new dude in a commited kind of way I will let the friend go

Leggs

February 17th, 2010
8:57 am

Hello MzNewy! You said a mouth full (here’s $102.89)

Raqi...!?!?!?!?!?!?

February 17th, 2010
9:01 am

I was talking to someone else at the time my husband and I became a couple. In fact I was just kinda talking to them both. Things just kinda took its course. I wasn’t really even aware of choosing one over the other at the time. But I do remember when I started to favor one over the other. I liked what he was saying. I liked the look in his eyes when he looked at me. I liked the feeling I got when he was near.

That’s why I always say that he got to me first. He piqued my interest and I liked what he was coming with so I let the other one go.

That’s all I have to say for now.

Leggs

February 17th, 2010
9:03 am

What I do know is I’m not good with the rotation aspect. I don’t like to juggle men. So, I will date one at a time. Hell, no I won’t. I’m going to start dating like the Mike and Ike box of candy. I will have an assortment of flavors to compliment different things I want to do in life until I find The One! You’re absolutey right, MzNewy!

Lady J

February 17th, 2010
9:05 am

me too PRINCESSNIK whew it ain’t nothing pretty either…hope I can shake it….i promise if someone else calls my name @ this work place….smdh!

MzNewy

February 17th, 2010
9:12 am

@ Leggs…LOL can you tell I have thought about this subject? LOL

I used to date one at a time, then I found myself winding up with the wrong guy for me. I know there is no such thing as Mr Right, but there is Mr. Right-For-Me. And it wasn’t like we set out to be a couple, we were “just dating”. It just so happens that our dates with others began to fall off naturally and before you know it, we weren’t dating but in a relationship.

Lady J

February 17th, 2010
9:12 am

date and think like a man huh….this older lady told me she does it and enjoy it….I guess in the start until its exclusive one would think most are seeing others…meaning most don’t get rid of their other situations just cause they met you…with a little exploring and actions one can tell this early on go from there with convo on both sides to see if there is a need to stop or cottinue to date others while dating that person….

MzNewy

February 17th, 2010
9:18 am

@ Lady J…yeah I do find that the way I dated in my 20s (out to catch mentality) and the way I date in my 30s (let’s just enjoy each other’s company) is different. When I say date like a man, what I mean is…when I was in my 20s, I would meet a man who fit into my image of the man I thought I wanted. I also think that some guys say they are “dating” as a code for “We are not mutually exclusive so don’t hound me about who I’m with and what I’m doing.” Think about it, when a guy says “I’m dating”, it usually means he is seeing more than one woman, one may have more of his attention, but he is still a free agent, free to sign a contract with any team he is playing for. I think some women who like exclusivity (I mean hey who doesn’t but for the purposes of this …we are talking about dating) usually cut back on “folks they go out with ” when they feel they are dating “The One”. Men on the other hand tend to date multiple women at one time because he is still looking for “The One.”

Cemeeli

February 17th, 2010
9:18 am

Good morning…

@ Peaches…i chuckled at “sucka”…

@ Princess – I realized when i’m feeling ’some kind of way’, i shop hard. Went to Dillards sale and bought a dress & a purse…a big purse. What i’m feeling is a mixture of emotions. Me and emotions dont really get along…ugh.

Samantha

February 17th, 2010
9:20 am

Unless someone is willing to make a commitment to me I will NOT tell them of other guys I date. They have to EARN IT!

MzNewy

February 17th, 2010
9:21 am

Alot of women meet a man they want to be the one and decide we want to get married. On the other hand, men decide they want to get married then set out to find “The One”.
I don’t want to find a man I think I can live with; on the contrary…I want to find the man I can’t imagine living without…and truthfully, since changing the way I dated, I think I have.

Lady J

February 17th, 2010
9:21 am

@MzNewy thanks for that totally understand your point….

Cemeeli

February 17th, 2010
9:22 am

& i’d stopped in to leave a msg for Demi.

They did the meter audit finally, and i got a nice credit to my account….I’m glad of that.

stay on them about yours.

DreamsMaterialize

February 17th, 2010
9:29 am

Morning
I don’t need a woman to tell me I’m one of many…I assume she’s seeing people when I meet her. I hope she assumes the same about me. MzNewy I agree with your dating philosophy. “It is what it is”, nothing more, nothing less. Where people go wrong is when they try to make an interaction something it’s not.

Magenta

February 17th, 2010
9:29 am

While I’m quite happy to be married and off that particular merry-go-round, it bothers me that I never got the hang of “playing the field,” as my mother used to call it. Our mother’s generation believed multiple dates would minimize the chance of “getting too close to” (i.e. getting into bed with) any one particular guy. However, by the end of the 1960s, sex had become so much more casual, you could “get close” on the first date — with more than one guy.

So in my late teens, “keeping steady company” with a nice but rather boring young man named Jeff, I was intrigued by another guy named Win, whose characteristics were quite the opposite. He was a “bad boy.” Jeff found out about Win and was surprisingly tolerant of the situation — perhaps realistically, since he was at college many miles away and I KNOW he was “playing the field.” Win, however, went all macho on me and broke things off the minute he got wind of Jeff. This always puzzled me, because Win was so ridiculously attractive. I’m guessing now that the attractiveness was all on the outside, and in his own head, he was a desperate little nerd.

All in all, I’ve tended to stick to one guy. It was just easier because I wasn’t the deceptive type. But nearly all of my relationships were the “sticky” kind, with melodramatic breakups. The few times I tried a casual relationship, the guy always turned out to want something serious and exclusive. It’s a mystery to me how other people manage to pull this off.

ImAPeach404... still learning lessons

February 17th, 2010
9:31 am

Ehhhhh… I’m a relationship kinda gal. I don’t like dating. But it’s necessary.

I’m not good at juggling. Or lying. So I’d rather not do either.

I wish I could subscribe to the whole “lets just enjoy each others company” proposal but I did that in my 20’s. I’m ready for a mature… adult… committed… “let’s do life together” kind of situation.

Raqi

February 17th, 2010
9:32 am

LOL Samantha. He has to earn his right to know huh?

MzNewy

February 17th, 2010
9:34 am

@ Samantha…how do they have to earn honesty? To me, not being upfront and honest dooms the relationship (whatever it may be) from the door. There is nothing wrong with saying “I am seeing other people.”

Lady J

February 17th, 2010
9:37 am

me too ImAPeach404… still learning lessons had a guy recently say I want to hang out with you and he comes back with wow didn’t know you wanted to get engaged trying to be funny and I said I don’t I want a relationship and granted being friends first is important I am not interested in hanging out and having everything of a relationship but the real deal….GTFOHWTS!!!!! Really told him I had plenty mutal friends to hang out with….I tell ya men and woman will only do what one allows….BS is becoming low tolerance with me…

MzNewy

February 17th, 2010
9:38 am

@ ImAPeach – I hear you. For me, it was when I got to the “I am not pressed for a relationship…if it happens great…if it doesn’t I’m still ok” stage….that is when I found the right-one-for-me. Before that I put too musch pressure on myself instead of just relaxing and enjoying the ride. I reversed mine and was so “I need a relationship” in my 20s that it is cool to be on the other end of the spectrum.

Lady J

February 17th, 2010
9:38 am

DreamsM I think it is a silent understanding for most….

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

February 17th, 2010
9:39 am

Personally, I never could understand the whole “rotation” thing. One woman at a time is confusing enough for me. I would rather know one woman well than a whole bunch of superficial relationships…but that is just me, not right for everyone. Also, if I feel that a woman is dating several guys as well as me, I tend to just back off. If I haven’t made enough of an impression fairly quickly, I move on and let the others fight it out. Let someone else be the meal ticket.

Raqi

February 17th, 2010
9:40 am

MzNew, that really is what just dating is, open to see other people. IMO once the agreement is made to be exclusive it becomes a relationship. Or relationship natured.

MzNewy

February 17th, 2010
9:43 am

@ Raqi – exactly! I think folks exchange dating and relationship and have blended what it was SUPPOSED to be.

You know, when I changed my whole mentality on dating, I picked up the moniker : MzNewAgenda. Because I developed a new agenda toward dating, life and relationships. And I became MzNewy for short.

Raqi

February 17th, 2010
9:44 am

Randy, you feel that way even before the relationship becomes physical?

I have never been one to be involved, as in physical, with more than one man at a time. But just talking to a guy, I have talked to 2 or 3 at a time. A very short time but I have done it.

MzNewy

February 17th, 2010
9:46 am

@ RandyT, just because you are “dating” multiple people, doesn’t mean he/she is a meal ticket. I mean really, I can pay for my own meal if it is about money. The purpose of dating is to figure out what you want…and more importantly…what you don’t wnat and won’t tolerate, right?

ImAPeach404... still learning lessons

February 17th, 2010
9:47 am

he comes back with wow didn’t know you wanted to get engaged…. having everything of a relationship but the real deal

@Lady – yea,see, people (read:men) get the two confused. I am not marriage minded, but I am relationship minded. Marriage is not my end-goal. And for the second statement… dude looking for a part time job with full time benefits

“I am not pressed for a relationship…if it happens great…if it doesn’t I’m still ok” stage…

@MzNewy – ummm hmmm. I went through that stage too… and now I’m over it!

Like Randyt says, one person at a time is confusing enough. And, if you’re dividing your time between multiple ppl, how can you make an honest attempt to get to know know any one person?

MzNewy

February 17th, 2010
9:48 am

@ Raqi – Exactly…Dating and sleeping with are two very different things.

Leggs

February 17th, 2010
9:48 am

This blog can have a woman seriously thinking about becoming a NUN. Sheesh!

For Real

February 17th, 2010
9:50 am

Morning Blog Fam! I thought I would share my morning drive-in mix:

Let me hear you tell me you love me
Let me hear you say you’ll never leave me
Ooh, girl, that would make me feel so right
Let me hear you tell me you want me
Let me hear you say you’ll never leave me, baby
Until the morning light (I)

Let me tell you how much I love you
Let me tell you that I really need you
Baby, baby, baby, I will make it all right
No one but you, baby
Can make me feel
The way you make me, make me, make me feel

MzNewy

February 17th, 2010
9:52 am

how can you make an honest attempt to get to know know any one person?

@ ImAPeach404 it happened naturally. I mean before I realized it, I was spending more and more time communicating with him, spending time with him and got to know him naturally. We started out just going out once a week or so, but then began shooting emails and texts throughout the day…eventually turning to daily phone calls etc. I think that whatever is supposed to happen will…when it is supposed to happen. *shrug* but that’s just me.

ImAPeach404... still learning lessons

February 17th, 2010
9:52 am

I have never been one to be involved, as in physical, with more than one man at a time.

AMEN Raqi! I didn’t always feel this way but since I’ve gotten older and wiser and wanting more… I definitely live by this code.

The purpose of dating is to figure out what you want…and more importantly…what you don’t wnat and won’t tolerate, right?

@MzNewy – WORD! on finding out what you do not want. I think THOSE are the biggest and most important lessons I’ve learned. (hence the recent add on to my nic)

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

February 17th, 2010
9:54 am

Hi Raqi,

For sure when it becomes physical. If after a few of dates we are still “seeing others”, I tend to move on. I guess I believe in pretty immediate chemistry. I don’t ever want to be a “fallback position” for a lady who did not get her first chioce on Friday night. Have I missed out on some nice ladies, perhaps, but I don’t play games…either get in or get out. There are an ocean of fish out there, why bust your chops to chase one.

RE the physical, actually I have never really chased that as a goal, it happens on its own. Not 100%, but usually a woman knows in the first five minutes if she is going to sleep with you. One can try to change or influence the outcome, but why? Once in a lifetime opportunities seem to come along about once a week. I’ve just never had a major shortage of women since I have been single…and the physical happens a whole lot easier than the emotional.

ImAPeach404... still learning lessons

February 17th, 2010
9:54 am

…seriously thinking about becoming a NUN

ROFL @ Leggs
I had that as my FB status last week!!!

Lady J

February 17th, 2010
9:55 am

raqi lil mama is signed up for soccer and tball! I did it! Soccer Mom J is ready! LOL

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

February 17th, 2010
9:56 am

Hi MzNewy,

Not saying it is right for everyone, just right for me. I am very loyal and I don’t stray when in a relationship…for me it is not about numbers. Money is not the issue, just don’t want to be anyone’s second choice.

For Real

February 17th, 2010
10:00 am

MzNewy: You got it right people (read women) confuss DATING with a RECON Mission. (In my Tommy Lee Jones voice) Alright, listen up, lades. Our SO/Man/Husband has been on the run for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Go get him.

ImPeach: “And, if you’re dividing your time between multiple ppl, how can you make an honest attempt to get to know know any one person?” – You have several friends that you got to know so what’s the difference when dating?

Lady J

February 17th, 2010
10:00 am

I think it is perfectly fine to tell someone what you want or looking for from the start and let the cards fall where they may trhough dating to go to the next level of a exclusive relationship. I want just that and what I am not pressed for is the mind games and bs of for the moment loving….it is so old and tired…

MzNewy

February 17th, 2010
10:02 am

@ Randyt – Touche,
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

Think about it. If you are dating a person exclusively and they are still “just dating” then you are making yourself their option, their “just in case” their “fall back person.” I have resolved that if I’m not number 1(in the dating realm), then I am not taking a number . No, I am not going back on what my thoughts are about dating.

but once you move from dating to a relationship, if you see you are not number 1 don’t stay number 2 waiting for a promotion to number one….Think about it…if you are number two while he has a main girl…if you get promoted to number one…someone has your old job at number 2 you better RTFM…The manual says that if you were second to someone before you will never TRULY be number 1 you are always number just in case.

Dating Newbie

February 17th, 2010
10:02 am

This is an interesting thread. As a recently divorced women who didn’t really date before marrying fairly young, I’m at a total loss as to how to navigate this scene. I realize there is no defined right or wrong way. But are there some clear, universal lines? Personally the idea of dating, meaning spending time with men, is exciting and fun. I know I am not ready for anything near the word “commitment.”

I’m talking about dating, not sleeping with someone. I assume that’s the general consensus. For me, if you start a physical relationship the game changes. However, what about a little kissin’ and makin’ out???

I’m of the keep it pretty honest mindset, but don’t necessarily think you gotta share every little detail. Though again, if sex is in the equation, gotta be upfront and know your boundaries. I know I don’t want to share that with a guy who is “dating” (read: “sleeping with”) other women.

Please keep the posts coming!

Oh, brother

February 17th, 2010
10:03 am

I personally think most singles over-think all of this. Meet someone or several people. Date the people you have fun with. When someone strikes a cord with you, narrow it down to that person. Simple. If someone expects you to be paying all your attention to them…well, that’s their problem. I wouldn’t bring it up unless they ask and if they do, then you should be honest.

Dating can be very simple…if you let it.

For Real

February 17th, 2010
10:04 am

MzNewy: “The purpose of dating is to figure out what you want…and more importantly…what you don’t wnat and won’t tolerate, right?” – I agree except for the last part. Women spend too much time on finding out what they don’t want or will tolerate. The million dollar question is what do you want? It’s a question men have been asking women for millenniums and we still haven’t got an answer.

Second of morning drive-in:

I just saw you look at me,
Tell me do you want what you see
And I was kind of wonderin’
why you’re sitting alone – you’re just too cute
Is it that you want me to go over there,
If you don’t…
you better come over here.

Slide over, baby.
Slide over, baby

ImAPeach404... still learning lessons

February 17th, 2010
10:05 am

You have several friends that you got to know so what’s the difference when dating?

@For Real – Yea? Same thing huh? So,if a guy I’m dating doesn’t call me for a week, I should treat that like when I don’t talk to my gf for a week? Come on, son!

If dating and friendships were equal – no one would be married, everyone would just be friends.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

February 17th, 2010
10:07 am

@McNewzy good post

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” Well stated. I don’t take the second seat either. I may have actually dropped a few when I was actually in the first seat, but it did not look that way.

MzNewy

February 17th, 2010
10:07 am

@ For Real…hmmmm nah I think finding what you don’t want is a natural part of anything. For example, when you are looking for a job, you narrow down your options based on location, pay, mobility etc. You narrowed down your choice of college based on some set of criteria; so what makes dating/relationships any different? All it is really about is setting up some standards. For example, I don’t do drugs, I am not gonna date the neighborhood weedhead cause that is not my thing and I’m allergic to jail.

Lady J

February 17th, 2010
10:08 am

so enjoy the moment is the theme without hitting the sheets….

Lady J

February 17th, 2010
10:10 am

agree peach and that guys end statement to me was ok I want to be your friend…I didn’t respond back….imo prove it! LOL