Cupid’s Aftermath: Advice from The Love Squad
I hope you all survived the weekend! Some of you probably can relate to today’s topic. If it hasn’t happened to you, well, great, just consider yourselves prepared if it ever does: You or your date under- or over-delivered on Valentine’s Day. Right, so that’s awkward? The gifts/gestures you had are not even close to the same effort. Now there’s like a cheap stuffed pink elephant in the room.
Should you address it or pretend it didn’t happen? How do you react to an over the top or dreadful gift/gesture from your Valentine?
Daniel, 27, Atlanta.:
“Probably better to address the issue. If you are ‘the scmhuck,’ you should probably acknowledge to your date that you didn’t make the day as special as you might have wanted. That shouldn’t be the determinant of everything. Honesty and a good effort going forward should go a long way.”
Elizabeth, 30, Atlanta.:
“Oh, my, this happened to me. We had only been dating a short time before V-Day. I played it casual (and assumed he was) by getting him something small and funny. I felt terrible he had spent a ton on me, and I had just gotten him a freakin’ cookie. I told him I loved the ring (which I did), but a few weeks later, I asked him to take it back and put the money in a savings account for our potential future.”
Martin, 40’sh, Atlanta:
“It’s easy to say that ‘It’s the thought that counts,’ but it can be quite awkward if one doesn’t appear to put in the time and effort of the other around Valentine’s Day. It should be addressed and discussed, and then both parties should move on. The person lacking effort on Valentine’s Day better prepare for a big comeback on the other’s birthday”
LaShonn, 39, Atlanta.:
“I’ve been there – on both ends. I’ve gone w-a-a-a-y overboard, and had someone else catch me off-guard and do the same. Looking back, I think it’s best to say, ‘This is really sweet, but I don’t think we’re quite there yet. Can we slow down a little?’ Everything in due time. You could pretend you weren’t offended or weirded out, but what good would that do?”
Oh, I could recount endless times a guy has left me speechless over gift selections. Oddly enough, Valentine’s Day is about the only time I haven’t been in this awkward situation. I’m always the type to use humor, so, knowing me, I’d start clowning myself or make a tongue-in- cheek comment about the guy. What would you do?
When you think about it, it’s probably difficult for a new couple to aim for the exact same degree of efforts in gifts/gestures.
Do you think that unmatched efforts mean you are not feeling the same way about one another? Is that a good time to have the talk?
What was the most inappropriate or outrageous gift you received from a date? How did you handle it?
It’s all love … links:
A Love Story: Love in the HOV lane
A Marriage Story: Cupid on duty at Rhodes Hall
Penguin Love: Love at the Atlanta Aquariam
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337 comments Add your comment
I am whatever you say I am
February 15th, 2010
11:37 am
ImAPeach404 : the part that hurts the most is I honestly believe that GOD doesn’t want me to be with anyone.
It hurts.
I feel like it is Karma for all the wrong doing I did in my teens and twenties.
I’ve made amends for my wrongs and I’ve learned how to treat guys better.
When will the hurting stop?
Am I still being punished?
Again, I am so sorry for the way I treated people when I was young.
DIG THAT
February 15th, 2010
11:38 am
@Professor
I did have a friend that called me last night and said the dude she has been with about 3 months showed up with an engagement ring. He was the living room waiting on her to come back with an answer and she was in the bathroom calling me asking what she should do. A little too early don’t ya think
I am whatever you say I am
February 15th, 2010
11:39 am
I don’t think 3 months is too early.
It’s all based on quality not quantity.
kimmie
February 15th, 2010
11:40 am
Raqi – To your 11:25, I am so GLAD somebody finally said it! All this “I show you I love you all the year, I don’t need V-day to do it” mess is such bull to me!
Let me put it like I told my boss when we were discussing it: If you are not showing your love & affection for me the other 364 days of the year, then you don’t have to worry about V-day!
Yes, I love and appreciate anything my SO takes the time and money to give me at any time of the year. I do the same for him and I know he appreciates it. But using it as a rebuttal for later is just tired!
Leggs
February 15th, 2010
11:41 am
@i am ~ you also have to encourage yourself. Each time you want to text him, pinch yourself, get a glass of water and sit your arse down (said w/luv)!
PRINCESSNIK
February 15th, 2010
11:43 am
@ I am, you have to truely forgive yourself for whatever you did in your past. I mean i feel ya, hanging out with mostly guys most of my life made me feel like a “teflon don” i had a peek into the innnermost workings of the dude psyche and i used it to my benefit on every occassion but as the saying goes its all fun and games until somebody gets hurt. Then when I finally met what i thought was “the one” the game flipped on me and i had to do the tighten up and quick!
“the part that hurts the most is I honestly believe that GOD doesn’t want me to be with anyone
you have to accept that sometimes God is going to say NO! and sometimes he is going to say not right now, apparently you still have some healing to do from your past so its possible that a s/o is not what you need right now. I been there/am there but life does go on……….
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
February 15th, 2010
11:44 am
Dig That…thanks for sharing that with me. So now I can never trust a review on a movie from you again.
Melo
February 15th, 2010
11:44 am
Am I still being punished?
Again, I am so sorry for the way I treated people when I was young.
@I am whatever??
gerl…why all the low self esteem u pouting??
why shld u be punished anyway or why do u view it as such??
Did u murder somebody in ur youth and go scot free?? What did u use to do to them guys??
All this haranguing and angst and pity party simply coz u are not under smobody??
Geeeeerl please!!
DIG THAT
February 15th, 2010
11:44 am
@I am
Out of 3 months she said they have only been on a date maybe 10-12 times and she wasn’t sure about him because he has feminine qualities and his roommate is gay, but swears he is not(it’s possible but suspect). I think there is a lot to sort out before you jump into MARRIAGE. In the military I used to see guys propose after a week. In a week you know you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. I’m not sure bout that one.
I am whatever you say I am
February 15th, 2010
11:45 am
Thanks Leggs: fugg him
Dig that: That was tacky of your friend to leave dude hanging while she ran off to call a friend. If she felt unsure she should be telling dude that, not hiding in the bathroom calling a friend.
kimmie
February 15th, 2010
11:49 am
I am – I used to think I was being punished for something I did wrong because I just seemed to be unlucky in love, so I know how you feel. But I don’t believe God works that way, especially if you’ve asked for forgiveness and you are truly sorry.
I had to realize that I was beating up on myself and I had to stop. While I’ve always tried to treat everyone how I would want to be treated, I’ve made mistakes like everyone else.
God has forgiven you and I bet others in your past have forgiven you. Now you have to forgive yourself. And realize you are just as deserving of a fullfilling relationship like anyone else.
PRINCESSNIK
February 15th, 2010
11:51 am
@ Kimmie in ref to your 11:40,
I don’t think people are necessarily using that as a rebuttal, cause they didn’t get much. Some people just don’t feel the need for someone to go all out on just one day of the year. If the person is showing the love 365 then i’m not hurt if i don’t get the biggest flower arrangment delivered to my job, matter of fact my mom made my dad stop buying her those expensive roses, she was like there are other things you can buy me that will last more than a week. I guess that’s the same way i see it………………..
Leggs
February 15th, 2010
11:54 am
keep repeating that and you’ll be fine. As stated, time will heal all your pain. Remember, you have to go through to get to….
I am whatever you say I am
February 15th, 2010
11:56 am
Kimmie: how do you know whether or not God wants us to be with someone?
Someone once told me that if God didn’t want that for me he wouldn’t have put the desire in my heart.
IDK
DIG THAT
February 15th, 2010
11:57 am
@I am
I think she got caught so off guard so she panicked. She has been thru that before and seemed like deja vu.
@Princess
Mom is smart. Put that money on the light bill
Leggs
February 15th, 2010
11:58 am
I believe he put the desire element there, but you picked the person to be desirious of.
Willie Dynamite
February 15th, 2010
12:01 pm
Darling Nikki – My wifey agrees with your 11:51
DIG THAT
February 15th, 2010
12:02 pm
@I am
With that thinking it might not be God’s will but your own intervention that keeps you single. I was the worst toward women forever. Player beyond belief and no regard. God has the power to change all circumstances and situations. Snap out of it. This is your time to learn to truly love yourself so you will be so ready when he sends you someone to love.
Professor
February 15th, 2010
12:04 pm
DIG THAT three months is soon coupled by the down low behavior. I know of an alleged straight guy years ago had a gay guy for his roommate…my friends and I wondered about him. Not long ago I heard that some gay guy said he was tired of being a secret and him and dude dealt with each other. So I don’t think I would trust that living arrangement.
I am whatever you say I am
February 15th, 2010
12:05 pm
Dig: Why be a player?
PRINCESSNIK
February 15th, 2010
12:07 pm
Professor the situation in your 12:04 sounds like something right out of an E. Lynn Harris novel…….
I am whatever you say I am
February 15th, 2010
12:07 pm
Dig that: Judging by who a person’s roommate is is not reason to think that dude may be on the low.
If her instincts are telling her something is up she should listen.
Professor
February 15th, 2010
12:12 pm
@I am ~ you might want to ask God to give you the ability to love and to make you lovable. That Prayer goes a long ways, especially when you start working on yourself and saying your affirmations.
kimmie
February 15th, 2010
12:15 pm
Princess – What you said is very practical and makes perfect sense. I actually feel the same way. The mere fact that my SO & I do so much for each other the other days makes it crazy for him to put $80 into some roses for v-day. I’m okay with a card, because when I really needed that GPS, & it was not anywhere near a holiday or my b-day, he got it for me.
The thing is, it’s been my observation, that the folk that buck on V-day so much really are using it as rebuttal. If you’re doing what you need to do the other days, fine. A lot of times it’s how you start out, too. If you start going over the top for v-day & Christmas and it’s wearing you out, have a talk with you SO about it. If you don’t chose to celebrate vday at all, be upfront about it!
Some people also just don’t know how to live, and court, within their means. They are trying to live up to someone else’s standards. Trying to keep up with the Jones, not realizing the Jones are broke too! Michael Baisden had a show on where he took this survey. He asked women whether they would rather have a nice engagement ring or use the money for a downpayment on a house. My question was, since when did there have to be a choice? What’s wrong with getting a ring AND a house within your means? Folks in the past did it!
Professor
February 15th, 2010
12:15 pm
@Princessnik…the funny thing is his gay roommate occurred here in GA, and since he was not from GA we were like maybe that is the only person he knew at the time. Fast forward when we heard about the gay dude he dealt with…he was living in a different area, and another gay dude! Straight crazy!
Melo
February 15th, 2010
12:16 pm
DIG THAT??
I wld panick too if a chic starts talking babies and pressing me for marriage after 3 months.
Raqi
February 15th, 2010
12:18 pm
If you are not showing your love & affection for me the other 364 days of the year, then you don’t have to worry about V-day!
kimmie Exactly. I don’t hear folks saying that they are okay not getting a gift for Christmas just because their S/O did something nice for them a week before. It’s only on Valentine’s Day that you hear that statement.
Princess what I am saying is why is Valentine’s Day any different or less important than the other days that we do things for our mates? My husband and I do nice things all the time for each other. But neither of us have expressed the sentiment that an acknowledgement on our birthday was not all that important because we do nice things all the time. If Valentine’s is just a day then so are all the other holidays and special days that we acknowledge.
Raqi
February 15th, 2010
12:21 pm
cause they didn’t get much
And Princess no one is saying that. Let me ask you this, if you S/O got you that big bundle of roses for your birthday or Christmas would you feel the same way about them? Or would you just say thank you and be happy?
DIG THAT
February 15th, 2010
12:22 pm
@Melo
Exactly. That is what she did. Panicked
@Professor
I told her that is too much suspicious behavior. Would you wanna be married to this guy only for him to jump out the closet 2 years and 2 kids later and all the signs were there. It happened to another good friend of ours and that is why she ran in the bathroom to call me. Not to mention I met her dude one time and looked like he either eyeliner on or just took it off. LMAO!!!!
i'm swiss
February 15th, 2010
12:22 pm
D@mn @ DIG THAT’s friend. Yeah, that definitely smacks of a “play-action” proposal. Dude may be just trying to freeze the defense to open up the deep ball to a tight end, if you know what I’m sayin’….
Though, I do agree that the phone-a-friend move was uncalled-for. If you have to use a lifeline to come up with your answer, that should pretty much tell you what your answer needs to be…
I am whatever you say I am
February 15th, 2010
12:22 pm
Princess: Thanks for the prayer. I’m going to try that
Melo
February 15th, 2010
12:25 pm
If my Oueen “only??” said,”happy birthday” on my birthday and kept it moving, i wldnt be mad or expect anything more really,just as I said,”happy vday” to her, whilst we were still snuggled up in bed on sunday.
Its no biggie..
Melo
February 15th, 2010
12:28 pm
just trying to freeze the defense to open up the deep ball to a tight end
@Swiss.. good analogy altho in this case,the freeze attempt is proly the dude’s suspicious behavior and rooming with flaming dude..so to keep qstions at bay,the gerl will be,”oh,he proposed,so he str8!”
Raqi
February 15th, 2010
12:28 pm
And just to make my point a little plainer Christmas, birthdays, mother’s day are all only just one-day-out-of-the-year also.
I am whatever you say I am
February 15th, 2010
12:30 pm
Honestly for VDay: I would prefer the simple
here are some things that would blow me away:
1)my room decorated with rose petals on the bed, candles lit, bubble bath, and of course some sort of alcoholic beverage on ice
2) a handmade card (bonus if crayons were used)
3)A homemade Italian meal (complete with salad and garlic bread)
4) if dude can sing – Him singing me a song he made just for me
5) A poem he wrote
6) or anything that he created himself that took time and effort. It doesn’t have to require money. Simple things mean the most to me.
I am whatever you say I am
February 15th, 2010
12:30 pm
Of couse…I would have to have a man first for those things to be done.
Raqi
February 15th, 2010
12:30 pm
Oh yeah, I forgot about anniversaries. Only once a year.
i'm swiss
February 15th, 2010
12:31 pm
Melo — It’s my one & only talent: You give me any life situation & I can give you a sports analogy.
Professor
February 15th, 2010
12:33 pm
@DIG THAT! Not to mention I met her dude one time and looked like he either eyeliner on or just took it off. LMAO!!!!
Dude sounds like he is playing both positions. If I suspected that from a guy I would leave him…eyeliner…gay roommate…WTH he would have to go and I would give him a MAC gift card on his way out the door.
Melo
February 15th, 2010
12:35 pm
@rRaqi
Christmas is seasonal…its a whole late december/early January period/season.
Mothers and birfdays..yeah,one day stuff but birthdays are more personal no wonder the personal attn.
Valentine is commercial extortion
kimmie
February 15th, 2010
12:36 pm
I am – Those simple things are the best, especially coming from someone you KNOW loves and cares for you!
It’s sad when the only way some people can operate is to lead with their wallet instead of their heart!
Melo
February 15th, 2010
12:37 pm
Simple things mean the most to me.
@I am whatever??
how about Waffle house?? Simple enough for u?
Raqi
February 15th, 2010
12:38 pm
I am whatever, you bring about a point that I know many do not realize. Those things that we call simple actually require more effort and thought than a high dollar going overboard gift. Those gifts take more time to come up with. Cooking a dinner while we all say is a simple gift, takes more effort and time than making a reservation and showing up. So it is in fact those “simple” gifts that are huge.
So while we say “keep it simple” we are often asking for more and we don’t realize it. Buying a card is simple. Creating and illustrating a personal card is takes more work. So when you S/O take you out to celebrate the day that is quite a simple task. If he cooks, lay out the rose petals and create the ambiance not simple at all.
I love it all.
Raqi
February 15th, 2010
12:41 pm
Melo, while seasonal the gift exchange only happens that one day.
Actually my husband and I did do 12 days ’til Christmas gifts one year but that was out of the ordinary. Some different that we probably will not do again for many, many years.
I am whatever you say I am
February 15th, 2010
12:43 pm
@ Melo: I’m not a fan of waffle house, too salty.
I would prefer if he did something simple like make pancakes with a smiley face.
I would do something special for him too.
DIG THAT
February 15th, 2010
12:44 pm
@Professor
He is definitely playing both sides. Women can’t hardly tell these days but when you got clues and hints falling from everywhere then you should be able to say without even paying attention.
@i’m swiss
You said it bruh. This dude is off his rocker.
kimmie
February 15th, 2010
12:45 pm
I would give him a MAC gift card on his way out the door.
Priceless Professor!
Dig – Why was she even dating a dude that was so “questionable”? I guess that’s why my friends used to be on me about making snap judgements about dudes, but stuff like that I see right away & don’t waste my time. No, we probably would have never made it to date 1, much less date 10 or 12!
Professor
February 15th, 2010
12:46 pm
I think a lot of folks get wrapped up in the big gifts and the Hollywood fairytale. Every year is not going to be big and grand that is reality. In fact, what if you and that person get married and fast- forward 35 years together. There will probably be times that the money is not there, the energy is not there, or you all just forgot. Like anyone else I love the special attention year round, but I refuse to let some writing on a calendar tell me how I should feel and judge my relationship.
Melo
February 15th, 2010
12:47 pm
@I am..??
I’ll take u to I Hop instead…
now if u dont want that either..now geeeerl,iam spending my money,remeber??
I dont like difficult women
I am whatever you say I am
February 15th, 2010
12:51 pm
Kimmie: My son’s father would spend money on me in a heartbeat but he could never quite get how I rather him spend time with me then spend money on me.
Sure we had times where would spend it together but his biggest way of showing love was opening his wallet.
I never really liked it. Reminded me of my childhood.
If I was upset about something, my mom would take me shopping when all I really wanted was for her to listen to me and hug me.