Love Squad Weighs In: Timing the First Time
There’s no escaping it now. We are only 48 hours away from the most hated/loved “hallmark holiday” ever. If you’re in the throes of a “new” romance, you’re probably considering this weekend as the “right time” for the first time. It’s not all your fault – between the sappy love songs, mushy commercials, and hoopla associated with Valentine’s day, your defenses are down! Before you get swept away in the moment, let’s get our Love Squad back to weigh in on today’s topic:
Is a woman doomed to casual status indefinitely if she decides to hook up with a potential boyfriend?
Daniel, 27, Atlanta. Longest relationship: “10 months and counting”:
“I’d say if you’re looking for an actual relationship of the reasonably-solid variety, hooking up early in the deal will not help your case. Guys enjoy a challenge, and a girl who doesn’t casually give it up presents an interesting challenge. She makes a guy choose whether he’s interested in her, or generic booty. A girl’s stock as potential girlfriend material may actually rise if she plays it cool and doesn’t give in too easily.”
Elizabeth, 30, Atlanta. Current relationship status: “Happily relationshipped for 10 months”:
“It just depends. When I was younger I was more casual about the timing. My longest relationship started off like a firecracker and it worked out for two years. My dating habits have changed as I’ve gotten older. I’m not interested in getting to know someone intimately until I know whether we’re compatible in many other ways first”
Martin, 40’sh, Atlanta. Longest relationship: “Four years”:
“No, I don’t necessarily equate hooking up or sleeping over with indefinite casual status. That should actually lead to the beginning of something more serious and definite – and if it doesn’t, both parties need to address it quickly before emotions totally take over.”
LaShonn, 39, Atlanta. Longest relationship: “Three years – and about one year longer than it should have been”:
“If she decides to “hook up” too early in the relationship, the answer is YES. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?! There’s nothing wrong with waiting, and if he can’t wait, he’s not worth it”
Well we have a range of responses from our Love Squad. Way to keep it interesting, guys! I’m leaning toward the waiting side. Men really hate to hear this from us, but it’s true: When we really, really like you, we want to prolong the first time. Not only does it build anticipation, it deepens our connection with you. No connection, no dice. So forgive us for thinking s-o-o-o much of you that we actually want to give a potentially great romance a better start! I mean, really. What are we thinking so much for anyway, right? (Is that enough sarcasm?)
Should you be mindful about when you decide to be intimate the first time? What are the real (not imaginary!) risks? Would you say that your first time with someone was related or unrelated to how your relationship progressed or regressed?
What do you think? Take the poll and let us know!
Loading ...Down to the wire for Valentine’s Day plans? You can look at these, we won’t tell!
What every Cupid needs to know:
Our Atlanta Valentine’s Day Guide
A gift guide for last-minute lovers
Music to get you going — or not:
Billboard Magazine’s Sexiest Songs List. Are they serious?
Need music to get you in the mood? Best romantic music picks
Inside scoops to help you make some magic:
Inside Access: Special Valentine’s Day events around Atlanta
Flower power: Tips for buying an arrangement, how to keep it fresh
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292 comments Add your comment
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
February 12th, 2010
8:42 am
Morning…everybody playing hookie because of the snow that we have yet to see?
Fellas, do you all think the ‘change’ happens immediately after having sex with a chick you’ve been dating…as in, does it cause it to get more complicated or what?
Looking forward to the guys responses
princessnik
February 12th, 2010
8:44 am
Morning All,
This is going to get interesting LOL
Should you be mindful about when you decide to be intimate the first time?
I think you should be mindful, however i don’t think its something you can just say that with every person oh i’m going to wait until x amount of time has passed, you will be attracted to different people on different levels
What are the real (not imaginary!) risks?
Getting physically involved too soon could cause you to overlook some important things. If he/she is putting it down something serious then you just may not think clearly about other areas.
princessnik
February 12th, 2010
8:53 am
@ slim, yeah i’m playing hookie and I aint mad at all LOL
DIG THAT
February 12th, 2010
8:58 am
Good morning everybody. I wish I was playing hookie at home so I’m just gonna do it at work
DIG THAT
February 12th, 2010
9:09 am
This is an interesting topic today. Let me think
Raqi
February 12th, 2010
9:16 am
It all depends on the two individuals. Just be prepared for what could or could not happen should you choose to go earlier instead of later.
Know yourself and hope you know your partner as well as you think you do.
Raqi
February 12th, 2010
9:19 am
No Slim, not playing hookie. I only work 10 minutes away from my home so I figured if it really does get bad I can leave and make it home safely without too much traffic issues. In fact everybody showed up today. The boss has already said those that live further out can leave as needed.
My son’s school is closed so he is at home. Mason works over 30 minutes away so he is working from home so I didn’t have to take the baby to the sitters.
DreamsMaterialize
February 12th, 2010
9:24 am
Morning
When we really, really like you, we want to prolong the first time.
Are women really still saying and believing this? Gotta call bull ish on this one. It makes absolutely no sense. So, the dudes you didn’t really like got get it early, but I have to wait because…you like me. The less special guy gets rewarded, while the guy you like gets put on hold. gtfoh Can’t convince myself that anyone buys into that logic…oh wait it’s not logic, it’s a fallacy.
We’re adults, so we have sex when we’re ready. Sex doesn’t determine how long the relationship will last. No logic in that either. Now, telling me I have to wait when other dudes didn’t definitely puts you in the “no relationship” category.
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
February 12th, 2010
9:26 am
Raqi Unfortunately, I live in Conyers but work in Union City…hell-if-i stay here till 5 o’clock if the weather gets bad. No job is worth my safety.
Now my little cousin on the other hand did the whole ’stick his tongue out and nah nahnie boo boo” when he saw me leaving for work this morn while he basked in the fact school was cancelled. lol
On topic I’m not one of those folks who says i’m not going to let you play with the CT for at least 45 days of hardcore dating..I simply go with the flow of how comfortable I feel with the person and where we are in getting to know each other. That could be 8 months to 4 weeks…just never know
A regular
February 12th, 2010
9:27 am
anybody got the blackberry bold?
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
February 12th, 2010
9:30 am
Dreams I agree to a certain degree. A woman doesn’t necessarily need to make a speech about how she plans to make a person wait…just go forward dating and make sure to not get yourself in situations that have all the ingredients for some ‘Booties shaking and moving all around’ type action…Unless of course a chick has vowed to NOT have sex at all until marriage. When you feel the time is right, then strap up and hop on the saddle. However, I do enjoy the build up to that point if i’m feeling a guy. I like the heavy breathing, holding, rubbing, touching that preludes any sexual relations….Mmmmm
(dayum I might have to leave early and take a trip to starship lmao)
Sassy Me :-)
February 12th, 2010
9:31 am
Mornting all,
I think each situation with regards to the first time depends on the people involved and their intentions towards the other. If the (wo)man is only looking for some quick,random booty then a fast hook up falls right in line with that…but if either is looking for more,i.e. a relationship/marriage then becoming intimate too soon may not be conducive to/for those aspirations.
DIG THAT
February 12th, 2010
9:37 am
This may not be a popular answer but I never blog to get popular votes but this has got to be said. Women already know if they are going to give the booty or not. And they don’t decide 3 months from hooking up. They know instantly or quickly whether or not you can get it. Why in the world would you put some type of time limit on it? And who says that waiting is going to keep him interested enough to stick around. I like Sally and we have fun but she gives me blue balls. I like Mary and we have fun, sex, and talk. I choose Mary. Just go with the flow. Waiting has no bearing on how that relationship is going to work out. Either it will or it won’t. Ladies after being in a relationship with a guy say maybe a year or 2 and you break up. Is the first thing you say to yourself……I knew I should have not have given him the booty on the second date 2 years ago. That screwed everything up. LMAO!!! C’mon
DreamsMaterialize
February 12th, 2010
9:38 am
Slim you tryna get started early in here huh. I’ll go with you to starship. And don’t mind if occasionally I’m an a#%hole for no apparent reason. I’m just making sure you don’t start to like me, so I don’t have to wait for the CT. lol
Raqi
February 12th, 2010
9:41 am
So, the dudes you didn’t really like got get it early, but I have to wait because
DreamsMat, I didn’t think that is what she was saying but maybe I am wrong.
J.D.
February 12th, 2010
9:42 am
Your honeymoon is the best time for the first time. You just committed yourself for life in a covenant before God, family, and friends. This most intimate of moments finds its greatest expression and joy for those sharing a life-long commitment. And I’ll confess, this idea is not original with me.
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
February 12th, 2010
9:44 am
@Dreams “And don’t mind if occasionally I’m an a#%hole for no apparent reason” LMAO Sort of reminds me of the personality of my cat Blue. Just out the blue he’ll go from being sweet to a complete devil..out to draw blood. (Slim now imagining Dreams rubbing one of her booty cheeks but biting the other at the same time)
Wise Diva
February 12th, 2010
9:45 am
Good Morning! It’s perfect cuddle weather
Also, feeling super happy and hopeful about love. Found out that sometimes reader/commenter on the blog “anonymousella” got engaged last night, for those of you who remember her. Ahhh Love :0
Raqi
February 12th, 2010
9:46 am
Congratulations Anonymousella!!!!!!!!!!!
DIG THAT
February 12th, 2010
9:47 am
@Slim My kinda girl a bite and rub down on da booty cheeks.
@Dreams And you didnt have to wait long at all. LOL
Leggs
February 12th, 2010
9:48 am
Good morning…I got my car back, I got my car back!!!
Hooking up early clearly depends on the individuals. We aren’t teenagers anymore so when one decides to do the do early on its clearly for the physical connection, not the emotional one. Some relationships can develop further and some can’t. It’s that simple.
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
February 12th, 2010
9:50 am
LMAO @ CANNNN Yooooouuuu DIG IT. lol
I was reading this book by Hill Harper and he stated after talking to several men about how women can go from girlfriend to wife, that most of the dudes said the chicks the men ended up marrying tended to be LESS adventurous in bed….What yall think about That!?
DIG THAT
February 12th, 2010
9:50 am
@Leggs Congrats on getting the car back. Good morning
M. (pronouced M dot)
February 12th, 2010
9:52 am
Happy Friday.
The key word to everything in this post is casual. Since we live in the times of casual dating, alot of people are just casual with their approach to dating. They dont really have a clock on when it should happen, but some people have wars in their mind on when it should happen. Women think, if I go on the first night what will he think of me? But ladies what if you wait 9 month’s what does that mean? I think it means I just know more of what I like and dont like about you.
Guy’s what if she puts you on a 9 month waiting program?
“When we really, really like you, we want to prolong the first time.”"
The key word in this comment is YOU. They want to prolong the first time with YOU.The thing is with these women, when you meet them, 95% of the time, they are or still are dealing with someone in some capacity. Therefore, alot of times, they want to take it slow with you but still do their thing and kind of have you waiting in the wings. The worst mistake we guys make is when we meet a new woman and we think she is sitting at home playing UNO and drinking hot chocolate. Not the case. The funny thing is, I heard a quote and I agree “Women actually get IT more than guys do”.
@ SlimOne-”Fellas, do you all think the ‘change’ happens immediately after having sex with a chick you’ve been dating…as in, does it cause it to get more complicated or what?”
I think it changes because thats when guys stop all the brownnosing. Thats when the gentlemanness leaves. Nothing against you.
Raqi
February 12th, 2010
9:53 am
And yes this is some good cuddling weather. I look forward to going home early to a fireplace burning, a waiting mug of white chocolate hot cocoa and snuggling up to The Man to knock this chill off.
I guess I better call when I get ready to leave and ask him to have me a mug cocoa waiting.
Luvbug
February 12th, 2010
9:54 am
Does it make a difference when you hook up too soon?
“too soon”
Now that’s a leading question. Did Melo phrase that one?
IMO wo/men should live at their own risks and rewards. No gaming. Now if you religiously believe in no sex until marriage, then do as you believe. I completely respect that – DO as you believe.
But, if you don’t live that, the whole ‘I want you to respect me as a spiritual and righteous wo/man’ goes out the window.
Be completely comfortable with your choice (yes or no) before you go for it…no masked worries or doubts about it (religious, personal, social or otherwise).
A regular
February 12th, 2010
9:55 am
anybody got a blackberry bold?
DIG THAT
February 12th, 2010
9:57 am
@Slim Totally depends on taste. I might be the opposite. I’m a beast and so serious bout my bedroom adventures. If you are not adventurous you will have to be open to the idea that you probably bout to be turned out and loving it. But on a different note. I think guys believe if she is not adventurous then she might not have any experience or a multitude of previous lovers due to her lack of skills. Which can also be false. But then he marries the nun but spends all his time and money on the porn star. Lol!!!!
Raqi
February 12th, 2010
9:58 am
anybody got a blackberry bold?
LOL Regular, I guess you want an answer. No. I don’t.
A regular
February 12th, 2010
10:01 am
guess so
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
February 12th, 2010
10:01 am
Regualar I have one…BB Bold 9700
DIG THAT
February 12th, 2010
10:02 am
Sorry regular. Iphone
Leggs
February 12th, 2010
10:03 am
Congratulations Anonymousella!!
Raqi, how was dinner!
Anotha Brotha
February 12th, 2010
10:03 am
I think the best thing for men to do is to keep their penis in their pants. Women really have zero leverage when you do and all this talk about her keeping you “waiting” is moot.
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
February 12th, 2010
10:04 am
@M. why does that act of getting the punani cause you to drop all your gentlemanness, as you stated, at the door? So you’re only being nice to get the drawlz??
DreamsMaterialize
February 12th, 2010
10:08 am
Slim now imagining Dreams rubbing one of her booty cheeks but biting the other at the same time
Biting the booty cheek and now moving to give CT a kiss…
Raqi
February 12th, 2010
10:10 am
Leggs, The Man and the kid loved it. After finishing his meal, The Man got up from the table rubbing his belly, walked over to put his plate in the dishwasher and whispered in my ear “you know what time it is now don’t you?”. I said “yeah it’s about the time that you leave me to clean the kitchen and then get the baby ready for bed while you go plop down on the couch and find something on ESPN to watch”. He said, “Yep” and gave me swat on the fanny and headed for the couch.
When he set down he yelled back in the kitchen, “you want me to bathe the baby?”
DIG THAT
February 12th, 2010
10:13 am
@Raqi Now that’s what I’m talking bout. Do it girl. I can dig that
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
February 12th, 2010
10:16 am
@Dreamz You betta hurry up and throw an arse-hole move in there…kissing the CT will have me melting in your mouth, and not in your hand quick fast.
@DIG IT Your post was the truth…they have the less inhibited one at home, thinking she was less slutty in her single years..but still try to get tossed up, run amuck, sucked & dried from the actively-practicing wh0res. lol
Leggs
February 12th, 2010
10:23 am
That is too cute, Raqi. No doubt he helps out, but its even nicer when he offers w/o being asked. Lil leggs enjoyed her meal as well. Why is that kids like to play with corn on the cob?
Have to be honest. Everytime this topic comes up on when is the right time to become intimate with your new found love interest makes me cringe. A lot stand by that 90 day rule endorsed by Steve Harvey of all people. We grown folk and we do what grown folk want to do. If you want to play between the sheets do it whether it’s 2 weeks later, a month later, or even 2 days later! Do what feels right to YOU!
SexyCool
February 12th, 2010
10:23 am
Well…..To do tha thang or not to do tha thang. Learn more about yourself. Learn to make better choices at the outset and do tha damn thang when you get good and ready.
That being said, TheDude and I waited about a month before we related. It was just time. It hadn’t been before, but it was that night and it was well worth the wait. (Insert sighs and kool-aid grin here.)
princessnik
February 12th, 2010
10:24 am
But then he marries the nun but spends all his time and money on the porn star. Lol!!!!
Can some of the guys please explain this one, dudes always talking bout they want a good girl wah wah wah, but then they whining because she won’t try anything new in the bedroom. Why not go for a well rounded chick, you know the one:
“a cook in the kitchen a lady in streets…..a momma to the kids and you know what in the sheets”
M. (pronouced M dot)
February 12th, 2010
10:25 am
@SlimOne
I wasnt saying that makes the guy drop the gentlemanness, meaning he is not about to turn in to Ike Turner on you, but what I was saying is that as time goes on, the realer you become to him. Think back to the guys that were gentleman to you. After yall did the limbo, how much longer did that go on?
How do you define being a gentleman?
Raqi
February 12th, 2010
10:25 am
but its even nicer when he offers w/o being asked
Ah yeah, but he only asked last night because he felt guilty. LOL
A regular
February 12th, 2010
10:25 am
@Slim
You like? $300.00 to upgrade. Don’t want the IPhone
kimmie
February 12th, 2010
10:30 am
Morning Peeps, Happy Friday!
Congrats Anon!
Raqita – Your dinner plans sounded fabulous so I knew they would turn out fabulous!
On topic – It really depends on the maturity level of the people involved. We all know the old rule of thumb is that if a lady gave it up on the 1st or 2nd date, she was deemed easy. A lot of men still think that way, no matter how much a lot try to deny it, bottom line. Once deemed easy, a level of respect is lost and it’s hard to gain it back & get on the future wife track. No matter how things change & how “modern”, a lot still think this way, especially younger men that are looking to settle down, I’ve observed.
But sometimes, two people can meet up, they just have this connection right away and they are mature-minded! Usually these are 2 people that really are “modern” – especially the guy. He is not judgemental and hypocritical. They feel a connection and act on it in every way. They are passionate and express that passion, but still put in the time to get to know each other in other ways. They may end up marrying or at least in a long-term relationship, but even if they don’t, they don’t put the other down for acting on their desires.
DIG THAT
February 12th, 2010
10:31 am
“a cook in the kitchen a lady in streets…..a momma to the kids and you know what in the sheets”
@princess Thats what I’m talking bout. I’m trying to have the whole package at da crib. That is how its got to be for a fella like me. I had this girl last week tell me she was a “virgin” at 30+ years old and then I changed conversations. She was like damn did I turn you off, for most guys that would be a turn on. Yes it was a turn off. I’m way to advanced for you. You need to start slow….LMAO!!!
DreamsMaterialize
February 12th, 2010
10:31 am
kissing the CT will have me melting in your mouth, and not in your hand quick fast
That’s the whole goal…every time.
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
February 12th, 2010
10:33 am
M. As far as dudes that i’ve smashed (lol) um…never had anyone turn cold on me after the deed was done, and done and done. Either we broke up for whatever reason or we already had an understanding. And anyone I just had a smashing understanding with, we were still friends, hung out and tripped out together. I can say i’ve never had a sexual r’ship with anyone that didn’t find me laid back & cool enough to not want to hang around.
Raqi
February 12th, 2010
10:33 am
$300 to upgrade? Is not that the cost of the phone period? I never upgrade unless I am getting a good deal. But that’s just me.