The Love Squad: What About Your Ex?
Valentine’s Day is almost here, folks, and there’s no better time to get some real-life perspectives from those who are knee-deep in a relationship, or have been there and actually want to go back. We’ve assembled a panel to give us their no-holds-barred opinions about love, life and the pursuit of coupledom.
So let me introduce the Love Squad as they tackle today’s topic: Your “best ex” resurfaces in your life. They are saying all the right things. Do you take them seriously? Should you?
Daniel, 27, Atlanta. Favorite love song: “Love Your Love The Most,” Eric Church:
“That totally depends on your ex’ sincerity. The key is whether the other person really wants to get back together because he (or she) misses YOU. If your ex just misses the nice feelings or benefits of being in a relationship (with somebody…anybody!), that is a problem. If you decide it’s a good idea to get back together, first sit down with your ex and figure out what went wrong the first time. Use it as a learning experience and a chance to get to know your ex – and yourself – better.”
Elizabeth, 30, Atlanta. Favorite romantic movie: “Love Actually”:
“In theory, I’d tell myself if it didn’t work out before, it likely won’t again and move on, sister, But if this guy was my “best ex,” meaning he’s a great person and maybe we didn’t work out because of timing, location, etc., I’d definitely want to hear what he has to say. If his words stir my heart and we find we have the same goals in life, I am sure I’d give it a go. Again.”
Martin, 40’sh, Atlanta. Favorite song: “I’d Rather,” Luther Vandross:
“It would be great seeing my best ex again and although initially it would be intriguing to find out if she’s sincere, I would remember that she’s an ex for a reason or reasons – and I’m sure those reasons would outweigh anything that could be said.”
LaShonn, 39, Atlanta. Favorite movie: “Pretty Woman”:
If my best ex came back now, I’d run for the hills. Yes, it was good while it lasted but I’ve seen bigger and better since and have no desire to go backward. Temporarily, it might be fun to reunite but over the long haul, nothing good can come out of it. Can it?
Well, this Love Squad rocks! A lot of valid points. Here’s my short answer: Yes. Full disclosure: There has been a certain ex who is heavily on my mind. The memories alone are making me feel butterflies. Maybe it’s a fleeting moment, though! What do you guys think? Is it good to reunite? What is the best way to determine if they (or you?) are sincere?
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417 comments Add your comment
Kym-Valentine's Grinch
February 10th, 2010
8:36 am
Good Morning All,
I think it is good to reunite..I have said it before here..people grow and change. Who’s to say that it won’t work out now? Maybe he had some growing to do..or she..or both. And now that both parties are in a better place they can hopefully move forward and in sync with each other now.
On the subject of Valentine’s Day..I hate it. Not because I am single..I hated it when I was boo-ed up. and I quote ” If you love me say it”! You should not need one holiday out of the year to remind you to say you love me. I like presents all the time. Not just on special occassions. I show my love 24/7 365 if I am in it for the long haul. Candy hearts are temporary and teddy bears make great chew toys. But all the time quality time, gets me every time.
Peaches
February 10th, 2010
8:44 am
I say let a sleeping Dog lie and I mean a real Dog. I never want to get back with my ex. I vividly remember some of the many reasons I dumped him in the first place. He just got too comfortable around me. The farting outside the privacy of the restroom, The obnoxious sounds he made while eating, flirting with women right in front of me, doing wrong and then lying about it, snoring that sounded like a pig in slop….well,I could go on and on but I think you get the idea.
Leggs
February 10th, 2010
8:56 am
“Your “best ex” resurfaces in your life. They are saying all the right things. Do you take them seriously?”
I couldn’t. I realize people change, but the relationship ended for a reason and in my situation, I will never forget what he said that had me opening the door to the courthouse. Forgive yeah, but never forget.
Lady J
February 10th, 2010
9:00 am
Morning Folks,
I watched the movie It’s Complicated and that was an awesome movie and I must say I ca’t go back to my ex….we are not to gether for a reason….Even if everything sounds so perfect and things are going well looking at the bigger picture it probably wouldn’t work….Speaking of exes my ex husband texted me yesterday and said I was a wonderful woman and great mother it was very unexpected but I appreciated that….It seems like we entered a new level of parenting and respecting each other and our communication improved….does that mean I want him and he wants me not at all I even met his girlfriend and we hit it off well….its over and we have never entertained the thought of going back since he left….Forgiveness within and for others is a powerful tool to go forward with your life in peace….peace of mind is priceless! There is always hope for LJ!!!!:)
With that VDAY will be spent with my daughter and nieces and nephew baking cookies, cup cakes, and we going to step it up and make pizza from scratch…just bonding with the ones I love and love me unconditionally!:)
Fri and sat will be with my close friends for life!
Love is everywhere we just have to embrace what is for us and not make more out of nothing when it is not what we want!
bobby c
February 10th, 2010
9:03 am
interesting. when one gets over it, and moves on then the pathway should be moving on.
i have no intention of returning to the past. i have moved on and upward, my current situation is far better than the past, i am cared for, thought of, reached out too, and most of all, thought about.
my previous or former wife was a tom boy who enjoyed her work her family and her world of animals, i came in a distant fourth in a pretty good relationship, one i ws “comfortable” in and searched no where for better.
yet she decided there was a time to end this, and i think she was right. moving on is just that.
and i am glad that there are others out here who have gone thru what i did and are welcoming and warm for those of us who are lovers first, and maybe second and possibly third.
Professor is.....
February 10th, 2010
9:06 am
Hola!
Hmmm this is a tough one. I do not back track or live my life in reverse, but there is one special person that I would ponder the thought on. The reason is simple I take the blame for our relationship failing
. Otherwise the others I would NOT even think about going back, going out with or catchin up with.
Peaches your post made me laugh this morning…I guess it the pig slop and farting did it!
kinderbabe
February 10th, 2010
9:11 am
i tried going back before and it didn’t work out. i guess they’re called exes for a reason. good morning all! have a great wednesday.:)
lurker
February 10th, 2010
9:13 am
bobby c – i like this part of your post——> interesting. when one gets over it, and moves on then the pathway should be moving on.
i have no intention of returning to the past. i have moved on and upward, my current situation is far better than the past
Yes yes. Once you become mobile in getting on with your life, it’s becomes sort of grand.
DreamsMaterialize
February 10th, 2010
9:15 am
Morning
I wouldn’t consider any ex’s in a serious way. I’ve moved on, and I don’t have any regrets about things in the past, good or bad.
Kym you’re my blog woman hero of the day with your V Day outlook. I’m betting you’ve never really had any complaints from guys about your outlook. Ours tends to be the same.
V Day isn’t really about love at all. It’s a day that exploits love to facilitate companies in making money and to facilitate guys in getting some action.
Professor is.....
February 10th, 2010
9:15 am
Bobby C I think this is my first time reading you…welcome to the blog and I enjoyed your post!
Lady J I really enjoyed your post and that was nice of your ex to send you that text. It is always great to see folks moving on and doing big things…I know your nieces and nephews will appreciate you making those cupcakes and pizza with them!
As for V-Day…I have done a wide range of things from the quite moments at home to the flowers and fancy meals. However the best one spent was with my ex in his arms on a twin bed. The entire week before V-Day he would give me a small gift each day leading to the big day…cupcake, small box of candy, a card, letter etc. How amazing that experience was?
Lady J
February 10th, 2010
9:15 am
Hey KB and Proff!!!!!! Happy Hump Day!
Luvbug - The V Keeper
February 10th, 2010
9:15 am
Like the poll and panel WD.
Reconnecting with an ex didn’t work for me, but I believe it can work for many…especially if the reason for the split is no longer an issue and you both finally share the same goals, values and respect for each other
mytw♥cents
February 10th, 2010
9:18 am
Never say never is my initial reaction to this, especially because the focus is on the “best.” If who you were then is exactly who you are now and vice versa, then there’s definitely no need to revisit it, though. Discernment.
So LEGGS, with everything that was going on, the ex husband is still the cream of the ex crop?
Nice Voting feature; look at MIA tryna step into the 90s!
Lady J
February 10th, 2010
9:18 am
Proff preached as a grown woman now in my 30s I know what it really means to EXHALE and BREATHE AGAIN!!!!!! Life is what you make it and a pity poarty I can’t do and I ma seriously happy for him bc he affects our daughter so I have to respect his life and choices as long it is best for lil mama!!!!! I am loving my personal freedom from my past and can’t ANYONE steal my personal joy or happiness!!!! I made through that hell and don’t wish it on anyone and don’t regret it but truly have learned to respect the power of love!!!! LOL I always got a song for my journey!!!!!:)
Thanks Proff you made me smile!
love vday
February 10th, 2010
9:22 am
@KIM Boo whoo whooo
Wise Diva
February 10th, 2010
9:24 am
Good morning love muffins!
LOL @ mytwo, you got jokes! Yes, I’m not ashamed to admit I was guided through it
Maybe because Valentine’s day is nearing or something, but I’m actually considering “ex-dialing” some people. Bad or bold idea. Maybe wait until St. Pattys day LOL
Luvbug - The V Keeper
February 10th, 2010
9:24 am
Regarding V DAY: I don’t love or hate it. I’d be lying if I said I don’t like receiving gifts, but the truth is I like gifts and nice surprise all year round. In that same vein, I don’t fall to piece or feel less if I don’t receive anything on that particular day.
BUT…I do take note and associate it with some measure of how you feel about me. I can’t name a guy (family included) who does not express a good portion of his affection materially…and no, I’m not talking big bucks.
I do understand men who yell, “What about women’s lib?” in this area. Some guys don’t express their love this way and that’s fine…but if you yell that, then later fall in love with a lady whom you proceed to lavish with gifts and love like you’ve never done in any previous relationships…then you indeed express your love that way and are a liar using women’s lib to get over on women you don’t care much about…and that’s just trifling.
Wise Diva
February 10th, 2010
9:26 am
oh and I agree, people CAN change, just look at me, in the 10 years (ok 5) since I started contributing on this blog, I’ve changed my perspective about men and relationships, a great deal. I’d like to think that many of our readers have grown and you can see the growth in our discussions/dialogue as well. Some of my exes may really dig the new and improved me
Wise Diva
February 10th, 2010
9:28 am
thanks LuvBug! I will definitely utilize it more, I like it too
Professor is.....
February 10th, 2010
9:39 am
Lady J I think it is something about the 30s that get us on the right track. I have always been focused, but my 30s have brought on the whole “learning me…being able to say no, and just live life.” So I feel you on the exhale.
Question: Do you all think V-Day puts too much pressure on relationships? Example what should a new couple do that has only been dating a month or two, or what about the couple that is having financial problems…lastly the couple that has it all and it is like what to buy???
Lady J
February 10th, 2010
9:43 am
yes honey that is the CHANGES I am going through….hahaha love that song to LOVE WILL MAKE YOU OH SO HAPPY INSIDE!!!!!!:) It can also make ya cry but when you become grounded sis your vision and sight is clear! Shouting time!!!!! LOL
mytw♥cents
February 10th, 2010
9:45 am
WISEY —> Hugs!
BOBBY C. I’m glad you are happy & cared for. Wondering~ Was she a tom girl through the door, did she dress up and hide that from you or did you just not realize the extent prior to marriage? I’m asking b/c one of the major things women are called out for, ‘accepting’ someone on the surface at the outset but then expecting or wanting them to change on the other side. Sometime we pull the wool over our own eyes.
hopeless romantic
February 10th, 2010
9:45 am
I think the question was “Your Best Ex” I have people in my past that I would NEVER consider going back to and that is becasue they were NOT my best ex. I agree that timing or youth or location may have hindered a relationship from working in the past but if this is a person that you really cared for and have never stopped caring for it doesn’t mean that it won’t have a chance for sucess and love in the future. I think you will have as much success or failure in a newely acquired relationship as you would in a realtionship of an ex reaching out. Every situation is different every relationship that you have is different. You have to decide where your heart is it may lead you back to love…. Aren’t we all searching for that regardless of if it is new or if it is trying to return….
@Peaches, yes very good reason for not wanting to go back I can safely assume that this was not your best ex…..
M. (pronouced M dot)
February 10th, 2010
9:46 am
Funny topic…Since Valentines day is nearing, I dont know about the guys/girls here, but I have definately started getting the ex phone calls (My ex called me at 1:42am this morning!) and from the girls who acted like they were to busy but now dont want to run the risk of being alone on valentines day. I already have a Sean Peyton game plan put together. Im not taking any calls until next week from any of them.
Regarding ex’s, none of this really matters. The key is that your ex is an ex for a reason and whatever you two broke up over is bound to show up again. Also we have to be mindful of taking our ex’s back because they will subconsciously feel like they can do what they did again with no reprocussions. So if they cheated, lied, etc, they probably havent changed much.
Also we should be careful of taking an ex back because relationships are built on security, so therefore maybe the person they were dealing with just dumped them, so therefore they are going back to you for some validation and an ego boost and just waiting until the next train comes.
Dont allow yourself to be a backup for anybody!
Professor is.....
February 10th, 2010
9:46 am
Lady J, one last thing about these 30s it seems like I accomplished more in two or three years of my 30s than my entire 20s if you take out education and buying my first house in my 20s…the 30s is all about that peace of mind!
M. (pronouced M dot)
February 10th, 2010
9:49 am
@Lady J
LOL I saw Its Complicated on saturday and it was great. Great tips in there also.
So Lady J, your ex husband’s new girlfriend, is she cute? I always thought it was akward when people meet the person that their SO used to be married to.
Sassy Me :-)
February 10th, 2010
9:50 am
Your “best ex” resurfaces in your life. They are saying all the right things. Do you take them seriously? Should you?
If you’re my ex then you’re that for a reason. I’ve attempted once or twice to give “a good ex” another chance but it’s never worked and since then I don’t push/force that issue….I just let it be and keep it moving. I don’t back track….no need.
Wise you sound like you’re up to someone
Do keep us posted chica.
Luvbug - The V Keeper
February 10th, 2010
9:51 am
Correction – The ex I mentioned was, I thought, the best ex until I reconnected with him. He’d completely depreciated and became the worst at that point.
Leggs
February 10th, 2010
9:55 am
@mytwo ~ unfortunately, cream of the crop is something I look at as being good. My ex-husband isn’t the cream of the crop in anything. More like the wrinkled arse of an elephant. Don’t even like looking at him.
I’m not saying this because I don’t have anyone to share VD with, but I don’t understand how so many get swallowed up in the hype of the day. Commercialism at its best. Therapists work overtime, esp those on call to their neurotic clients 24/7 crying over the phone woe is me! For those not involved, love yourself, do for yourself and enjoy the day. Not being romantically linked with another is not the end of the world nor the ingredient to have a miserable day.
@Kym ~ you know the real deal. Good for you!
@Professor ~ the couple having financial troubles can cook a meal together and curl up on the couch watching something they both like. Be it a game or a movie. To those just starting out dating, same thing. E.g., go bowling, paintballing and then home and cook together. Don’t have to spend a lot of money just to feel the love of your man/woman.
You guys know the feeling when you’re walking away and your mate grabs your hand/arm and pull you back and hugs or plants a big kiss on you. Well, find something simple that delivers a bang like that. That “pullback” is priceless!
Ok, going back under, hear massa’s footsteps in the hallway!
Melo
February 10th, 2010
9:55 am
Good morning folks!
I Wldnt do exes seriously coz the first thing i will be asking myself is,”who/how/where (many) has she been with, ever since we broke it off?? Just too much time/effort to spend on that due diligence.
I cant fathom the thoght of me holding her by my arm and “enjoying” her while the back of my head is unknowingly wasting away coz of all those(men) in the know,who wld be wondering(pitying),”oh,he a brave man”
Wont do it…if I have to move on and grow or she more grown,then I have to be grown for another diferent woman…she will be the beneficiary…not ex.
After all,there are just too many women out there for me to be spending and wasting time recycling same woman.
Wont do it!
And dont pine for ex coz of Vday..its a passing phase really,just few hours and u back to ur regular scheduled cobweb angst.Hang in there!
Hey Prof/Lurker!
Professor is.....
February 10th, 2010
9:56 am
My ex called me at 1:42am this morning!)M.dot Calling that late at night she wanted the chocolate stick not the box of chocolates….just saying
Wise Diva
February 10th, 2010
9:59 am
LOL @ Professor, now that’s not necessarily true, she could be a nurse getting off work late or something
Professor is.....
February 10th, 2010
10:01 am
Hey Melo!
So it is safe to say that you do not want to go after another man, if you were there first.
Professor is.....
February 10th, 2010
10:05 am
Wise Diva You are correct I bet she is a nurse, and she wanted to give him some “Sexual Healing” (singing it like Marvin Gaye).
Sassy Me :-)
February 10th, 2010
10:05 am
Calling that late at night she wanted the chocolate stick not the box of chocolates….
Uhh huh she sho did…..I’m not calling ANY man that time of night to talk
M. (pronouced M dot)
February 10th, 2010
10:06 am
@Professor is…..
LOL she doesnt live in Georgia but maybe wanted to block me from doing something else lol…
All,
Have yall noticed that your ex’s think even though you 2 broke up, they think they have the same rights and priveleges like they used to, your time, energy, and resources?
Melo
February 10th, 2010
10:06 am
So it is safe to say that you do not want to go after another man, if you were there first
Prof?? good qstion!
I will/wld accept limited damage!
I gotat cop out a feel ofcourse and see how i like the feel of it..down there! (i hope u with me)
(im hollering at ur qstion,really!)
Luvbug - The V Keeper
February 10th, 2010
10:06 am
Yep
Chocolate Stick – 1
Box of Chocolates – 0
Nonya
February 10th, 2010
10:07 am
My “best ex” is my ex-husband. June of this year makes 11 years since the divorce. We’re best friends and support each other in our other dating ventures. We’ve also talked often of getting back together but I know it wouldn’t work, but only because I see him my best friend..not because of any hang-ups from the marriage.
Melo
February 10th, 2010
10:07 am
gotta
Luvbug - The V Keeper
February 10th, 2010
10:08 am
Guess not…I stand corrected (again)
Cemeeli
February 10th, 2010
10:09 am
hi there…
Love & valentine…oh yeah, the emphasis on the likes of being in love does not bother me. It’s all the commercialized crap that gets on my nerves. No, he does not need to get me flowers, nor candy, dinner to keep me giddy with gleam….i’d rather quality time & cook him a meal, as with any other time…If he’d prefer to give me something anyway okay, add to the list a self help book, or a spiritually laced book please!…Candy and flowers? Auh, I just got those a few days ago…then you gonna come through the door with the same? be more creative!
Lady J
February 10th, 2010
10:09 am
M. she is and is very smart and lil lady loves her so Lady J is cool beans!!!!
M. that movie was too damn funny but so truthful!!!!!
kimmie
February 10th, 2010
10:09 am
Morning Blog Peeps!
Even my “best ex” I would not take back. One, he’s married, but even if he was not, I’m not the same person I was when I was with him. I was young and still living in my parents house, going to grad school. Our paths crossed again a few years ago. We are still great friends and I have always appreciated his intellect. But we would never make a good romantic couple again. He’s the same basic person that he was then & our personalities clashed romantically. I think we’d be great business partners though. Anyway, that ship has passed.
I have just grown so much as a person over the years. The men I chose then I would not choose now, not at all. I like the person I am now and the man I have now. I definitely need someone that is calm and laid-back and not intense about things. Someone that has a quiet strength and confidence about themselves and just gets things done instead of analyzing and debating something to death. Someone who loves me and who I am and is not trying to make me over.
Going back can and does work for some, just not for me.
Gonna keep it simple this Vday. I love Vday. People should just chill about it & not build it up so much. Just have fun with it. I mean, duh, of course you should show the person you care for love all the time, not just on Vday! That should go without saying. But what’s wrong with some candy, a flower or wearing red one day? Come on, lighten up!
SexyCool
February 10th, 2010
10:11 am
Depending on the ex (like Shthead), my view is – only a dog returns to its own vomit.
But, really, take it on a case by case basis and use your common sense about it.
VDay – um yeah. Not my thing really. Not into the commercialism of it all.
SexyCool
February 10th, 2010
10:11 am
Enter your comments here
Peaches
February 10th, 2010
10:12 am
Well, I was describing my best ex. I guess that tells you what the rest were like.
M. (pronouced M dot)
February 10th, 2010
10:13 am
@Lady J
Im glad that you all can get along.
Alec Baldwin was keeping it to real. Did you see when he came over for a cup of coffee that turned into a nooner? The best part was when he put his suit jacket on and left, he POPPED his collar and said Ill call you later…lol he kept it to real. And the guy that really liked her, she treated him like garbage!
Melo
February 10th, 2010
10:13 am
I received a Vday card from Queen yesterday..in the mail!
She said she didnt realize mail takes just one day,if u sending it same state..she mailed the card day be4 yesterday.
I’ll tell u what her “interseting” personal Vday mssage said..after my cup of coffee!
Cemeeli
February 10th, 2010
10:13 am
@ LadyJ – I actually will be babysitting for a few friends this weekend myself. At no cost…’cause some of my family & freinds have been so busy they really need to go out and celebrate a little.