Settling: Twisted Logic?
I once read “The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want at the moment. One of our readers sent me an article about a book that I had seen making its rounds in social networking, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Right Enough.
When I first heard about Ms. Gottlieb, she had written an article with the same premise in The Atlantic. I blogged about the article, and I see the article was precursor for the book, and now there’s word that a movie deal is in the works.
Here’s the thing, I’ve figured out that insecurity (especially female) is a billion dollar industry. It’s easy to get caught up in the craze of books, movies, and other forms of mass media (including dating blogs!). I think the most important thing everyone should remember is having standards is normal. Having unrealistic, fairytale fantasies is a recipe for disaster.
When you start the slippery slope of calling someone “good enough” or the ever so narcissistic “settling”, then you are setting yourself up for failure and unhappiness. As the quote said, don’t trade what you want most for what you want at the moment.
We have discussed having some standards before, and most of us agree that they are necessary. Can our standards be the reason we aren’t coupled up? I would argue that it’s not. Why do you think that single people are perceived as having our standards too high?
If you are not married or in a relationship, why do people think it is because you are being too picky and unrealistic? I am not saying we all can’t use a healthy dose of reality. Especially when it comes to being overly shallow. I just don’t think there are boatloads of men and women not giving each other a chance because of something silly.
Is it just me or is the idea of settling some kind of twisted logic? If you see it in that way, how is it healthy to stay with someone? What does it say about your own character? It sounds like a person with an entitlement problem, mixed in with judgment issue. How attractive.
Your thoughts?
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375 comments Add your comment
Lady J
February 4th, 2010
9:02 am
hmmmm sigh this should be interesting….looking forward to the seasoned view on this topic……Good Morning folks!!!:)
ImAPeach404
February 4th, 2010
9:11 am
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… I’m single because I live in Atlanta.
I do believe
Anyhoo, ima behave today
Lady J
February 4th, 2010
9:12 am
I once read “The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want at the moment. One of our readers sent me an article about a book that I had seen making its rounds in social networking, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Right Enough.
This statement alone is what validates why I am truly single I guess….that moment stuff and surface stuff is right in my face it seems to look like the real thing when it truly is not and nothing more that what it is for the moment….NEYE’s song I will or am your boyfriend for the night sums it up….many women and men have embraced the short term thrill seeking that instant gratification….To me that is why some will try others that are much more grounded with what they want and get their feelings hurt when that chick or man isn’t chasing them down….Tiems have changed and are different….the process of wanting more is so slanted by both sides I just don’t know where is it going to end up….My thoughts are with history repeating itself will the more traditional times come back or when you practice more traditional seeking skills will that one they are seeking be shown….you do attract what you put out so it is interesting…it reverts back to self at the end of the day…what do you want and what won’t you do to get it or will do….will you forsake happiness and peace of mind ofr a date, man, or woman….I truly will embrace my sanity…it ain’t that serious and no I won’t be ANIT MAN but I am falling back and chillin’ and minding my business more….my thoughts only…..sigh
Lady J
February 4th, 2010
9:13 am
damn too early meant NEYO and so not a fan but anywho! LOL
CMS
February 4th, 2010
9:16 am
From my observations love is a hell of a drug…especially for women. Young love is potent…pure, raw, uncut and able to send your mind into a state of bliss so strong you can’t tell up from down in some cases. Once it goes bad and the high wears off you go through withdrawl, and eventually look for the next love high. The reality is that the feeling one has from young love will never be attained again. This can cause one to be overly picky in there search.
abc
February 4th, 2010
9:24 am
Refusal to ’settle’ can be a euphemism for ‘inability to compromise’. Love and relationships aren’t about tangible things, when you get down to what really counts. If you let your perceptions of tangible things push you away from someone that you really care about in that way, I think it shows a hard-heartedness that the other person could probably just as well do without. The only person you short-change by being that way is yourself.
DreamsMaterialize
February 4th, 2010
9:25 am
Morning
You’re only settling if you’re accepting less than you deserve, and what you deserve is determined by what you are.
“Settling” is subjective anyway. I’ve seen people who thought they were settling when, to me, it was the other way around.
CMS
February 4th, 2010
9:28 am
ABC that may have been on of the best post’s I’ve read from you. Normally, I don’t see eye to eye with your POV.
Lady J
February 4th, 2010
9:31 am
cms it was a awesome post by abc!
M. (pronouced M dot)
February 4th, 2010
9:34 am
Morning.
“We have discussed having some standards before, and most of us agree that they are necessary. Can our standards be the reason we aren’t coupled up? I would argue that it’s not.”
I think standards are a catch 22. We need them but also they may prevent us from embarking on ultimate happiness. As I guy, I have to remember to keep my standards high because the same energy that is used to maintain a relationship where Im not happy and dating someone who is not what I really want, THAT SAME energy can be used to obtain and manage a relationship where I would be happy.
“Why do you think that single people are perceived as having our standards too high?”
I think single people are perceived as having their standards to high because they are waiting rather than just settling to have someone laying next to them. The funny thing is if you try to discuss dating with someone that has a relationship, they think they know it all and dont need advice because they already have someone. Anybody can get a boyfriend/girlfriend but it all boils down to the quality of the person they are dating and on the flipside, whatever makes them happy, go for it.
“ImAPeach404 ”
I dont think you are single because you live in Atlanta. I know alot of quality guys here. It may be you. Your vibe may be off or maybe you need to switch up your hangout spots and stop running in the same circles and getting the same results. That’s insanity.
kimmie
February 4th, 2010
9:40 am
Morning bloggers & bloggettes!
Wise, it is twisted logic! I read an interview with the author of that book the topic is about. She’s feeling a little hard-up now that she’s like 42 & not married. She’s looking back & thinking she should have married one of those guys from her past when she had a chance. For whatever reason, she let them go. Maybe they just were not meant to be!
For the book, she also interviewed a couple of loser guys that aren’t getting much play right now. Their probably short, balding, chubby, whatever, and have not been successful. They want to blame it on women being too picky why they’re not getting any play, instead of taking ACCOUNTABILITY themselves. Maybe they are just boring and bland or have no personality or zest for life! If their fat, work out & pull away from the table! Plenty short, fat, balding guys have great girlfriends & wives! You gotta have confidence in yourself and you can win anyone over!
It’s really this simple Wise: If you’re single and have not met anyone you’re interested in pursuing a relationship with, you’re being too picky and have unrealistic standards. If you’re married or in a relationship and that person is not making you happy, then your standards were not high enough when you chose them! It’s your fault cause YOU CHOSE them!
Now, how’s that for twisted thinking!LOL!!
Raqi
February 4th, 2010
9:40 am
I will say that we all settle for something. There is no way around it. However you have to know and go with what matters the most. It would be awesome if we lived in the world of Weird Science where we could create the perfect specimen covering everything from the cranium to the soles. But we don’t live in that place.
I don’t think it’s the intellectual end where many are falling short, it’s the physical. I understand very well that we go with what we are attracted to, but attraction should not stop at the physical shell.
It’s like a woman says she is attracted to nerds. But will not give a nerd a chance because he isn’t quite tall enough despite the fact that everything else measures up.
If you can’t live with it then don’t waste your or the other person’s time. But…however…”settle” for the fact that you may never meet that guy or girl that is 100% chock full of the perfection you have created in your head.
@ms_jones74
February 4th, 2010
9:41 am
I’m single because I am picky. And I do have high standards. Hey, I’m nothing if not truthful!
But I do acknowledge this and right now I am working through what I would have to do to get myself to a point where I could date and be open minded about a brother.
I have been single for a long time and I haven’t really dated all that much, really. I feel like, at this point in my life, I ought to be looking for someone with certain characteristics. In a sense, I “don’t have time” for messing around with someone who isn’t going to work out for me. I think I fear that I will be so… eager… to find HIM that I will settle for the first guy that says all the right things and does all the right things and then months or years down the road, he’ll be gone and I’ll be broken and feeling like I wasted my time being open. The fear of settling keeps me single.
Raqi
February 4th, 2010
9:42 am
Standards are one thing, preference are something totally different. Every one should have standards.
Lady J
February 4th, 2010
9:52 am
raqi most won’t admit that they have settled and when someone does their are based by the masses….#justsayin’ lol
Raqi
February 4th, 2010
9:58 am
Standards should cover things like morals, beliefs, ethics, loyalty. Being able to tell a joke that will be funny is a preference and should not be made a standard.
My standards for a man is God fearing, hardworking, trustworthy, faithful, a sense of right and wrong, caring to do the right thing. Those are standards for me. Those are the things that matter the most. It’s not how tall he is. In fact my husband is not the tallest man I have ever been with or dated. He is the darkest.
When deciding to have a relationship with him my standards out ruled my superficial preferences. And in getting him I settled for his moody ways and I settle for his mother not liking me. Which I knew about before getting married. And those things are not just a drop in the bucket, especially at the beginning. There were times his mother really got to me. And there are times, although not as much lately, that his moodiness makes me want to bash in him in the head with a skillet. But in the big picture all the other stuff mattered most.
kimmie
February 4th, 2010
9:59 am
“Settling” is subjective anyway. I’ve seen people who thought they were settling when, to me, it was the other way around.
Dreams – You alluded to this yesterday. I think you were saying that some people feel they are all that, when they really are not, am I right? Well, that’s ALL subjective. TO YOU they are not all that but to themselves, and maybe the person they are dealing with, they are the cat’s meow. Who is ANYONE to sit back and say that another person is not all that?
People like what they like. If you don’t have what another person likes, keep it moving, but don’t tell them they don’t have the right to like what they like. They have to deal with the consequences if they don’t get what they want, not you.
Dreams, I’m not dumping on you, but I admit I have a chip on my shoulder about stuff like this. I’ve had folks to tell me, before I got in my present relationship, that I should just accept anything male with a pulse. It didn’t matter how disgusting I found him or how he treated me. I wasn’t getting any younger so I should take whatever was offered. It’s okay for men to have standards & preferences, but not me. I HATE that line of thinking.
Melo
February 4th, 2010
10:00 am
Can our standards be the reason we aren’t coupled up?
YES
DO U,that single people are perceived as having our standards too high? YES
Because they have Time and YOUNG AGE on their hands,they can afford to be picky coz the young and vibrant are still plentiful,so they can play the field.
No rush really!
As females and guys age and time goes by and theyreally focus on settling down in marriage,they really start focosing on things that really matter…
guys: can she cook(#1),how much education she got,does she have a gig,not on drugs,good fam background,how many kids,is she angry or she plain nice jane,etc…
The guy is not focussing a lot more,like he used to in the past on just her looks,yes,they are important but as u mature,that ceases to be up there in ur standards chart.
As for females, i know,where they never wanted a guy with kids,in their 35…40 yr anniversaries,most females will take a responsible guy with kids anytime,I know this.Their standards get “lower”, i know for a fact.Compared to their earlier younger standards,yes thats settling but standards are not permanent they,shift with time and maturity,yes with Age.
Good morning Folks!
Leggs
February 4th, 2010
10:01 am
Refusal to ’settle’ can be a euphemism for ‘inability to compromise’.
I beg to differ. Settling means accepting something you know goes against what you truly want or believe.
Compromise is done out of respect and love for that person because, more than likely, it’s a two way street. That’s the key to “compromise.” Settling and compromise are not the same. Settling reeks of negativity while compromise is having the willingness to balance your needs and your mate’s needs. Settling is a one way street.
Lady J
February 4th, 2010
10:06 am
good assessment leggs!
Melo
February 4th, 2010
10:07 am
The word settling has a derogatory connotation,thats why most would not want to ne associated with it….
But if consider that u view a guy favorably NOW, that u would not have consider ten years back,yes thats settling.In ur mind tho,because u have gone thru a mental metamorphorsis,it is not settling.
To the outsider who knows about ur glorious phine past, and proclamations,it probably is.
But u on a different pedestal now, u working with what keeps u a johnson inhouse and a ring on that finger!
Raqi
February 4th, 2010
10:07 am
A person having a child from a previous relationship should not be under the “Standards” category. That’s a preference. Now how and if that person cares for their child matters on a level of standards. A man that does not take care of his child is a low life. That’s an issue of morals and ethics.
The type of job a person has is a preference. But the facts of whether he works or steals for his living is a matter of standards.
Lady J
February 4th, 2010
10:10 am
lmao melo!
Luvbug
February 4th, 2010
10:11 am
I will say that we all settle for something. There is no way around it. – I agree
I’m not up for dating right now. It wouldn’t be fair to start something I can’t nurture or finish. Now, I wouldn’t mind if something (worth working on) came along, but I’ve taken no action to open myself up. So far, a few (very few) guys have inquired. My general response has been no…not now.
When I jump back in the market (and if I’m out there for a while), I will have a clearer picture of why I am single.
I’m banking on having a chance when I’m ready…but I know it can all blow up in my face too.
Melo
February 4th, 2010
10:13 am
The type of job a person has is a preference.
And a standard..u cant preferance below ur standards,its not an option.
I proclaimed that i wld NEVER work at a Mcdonalds,ringing the counter or sweeping, even when times were tough.
Thats my standard.
Luvbug
February 4th, 2010
10:14 am
is she angry
Melo?? Do tell – when are women allowed to be angry?
You wrote all those requirements for men and dropped the ball when you got to the women…too funny
Raqi
February 4th, 2010
10:14 am
Leggs, settling reeks of negativity because of the way many use it. Just because a person settle for something does not mean they are losing out where it really matters.
If I remember correctly, you settled for your ex to have dinner with you and your daughter during the past holidays. What really mattered was that your daughter was happy therefore cancelling out any negativity that could be applied. She was happy.
Melo
February 4th, 2010
10:17 am
You wrote all those requirements for men and dropped the ball when you got to the women…too funny
@LuvBug??
I know!,coz im male,i can speak to that but i had to poke the females so u give us ur own viewpoints..if u dont,we do it for u!
East Point's Own
February 4th, 2010
10:17 am
abc @9:24 I could not have said it better myself without writing a book…
Sometimes its not settling if you bring your expectations down from the moon, to 10,000 feet. Or if you realize that then man you are looking for would probably never want you. Sometimes we need to improve our own situation if we really expect to get a catch of a certain calibur. Sure odd couples hook up, but more often than not we need to be somewhere in the same ball park as the type we say we want.
http://hispointofview.com
DreamsMaterialize
February 4th, 2010
10:17 am
I think you were saying that some people feel they are all that, when they really are not, am I right? I didn’t allude to that at all. I said, “Be what it is you expect”. I know that people have different ideas about what makes a person great…that’s why I said it was “subjective”. I do reserve the right to have an opinion about them though. If I think they’re not “all that”, then that’s what I think. They’re free to think the same about me. What I think about them only matters to me, and what they think about me only matters to them. I would also never suggest that someone accept anything (because it has a pulse) into their lives. I’m sorry if people around you were suggesting that, and shame on them. I’m glad you didn’t take their advice. Now if all you had to offer was a “pulse”, then they might not have been so wrong. lol If they had any advice to give, it should have been “Be the best you, and require the same from someone else.”
kimmie
February 4th, 2010
10:19 am
Melo, you keep me laughing, but there is truth in your humor!
kimmie
February 4th, 2010
10:21 am
Dreams – I told you I had a chip on my shoulder!
Raqi
February 4th, 2010
10:26 am
kimmie and DreamsMat, IMO a person being “all that” as it pertains to being chosen as a mate basicly depends on the person that is doing the choosing. What matters to one may not matter to next. If that person have what you are looking for then that person will be all that to you.
If a woman is gaga over Morris Chestnut and gets a MC model, to her he is all that. But to me he would be quite unappealing. But in that I am speaking strictly in a physical sense.
“All that” is in the eye of the beholder. And just like it was said the other day just because it’s not how I do it or what I like does not mean it’s wrong or bad.
DreamsMaterialize
February 4th, 2010
10:27 am
I told you I had a chip on my shoulder!
kimmie Those chips will weight you down and stagnate your progress. You’re happy where you are right? Let that old ish go. There’s nothing it can add to your life. Now stop editorializing my comments!
kimmie
February 4th, 2010
10:30 am
“All that” is in the eye of the beholder. And just like it was said the other day just because it’s not how I do it or what I like does not mean it’s wrong or bad.
Raqi – Amen!
You said it better than me & like I said to Dreams, I do have a chip when it comes to this. Others looking in on me & making their comments about what I SHOULD do or what I SHOULD be looking for – how about everybody do what works for THEM?!
Lady J
February 4th, 2010
10:31 am
raqi was that not a comprise for the child’s sake…..
kimmie
February 4th, 2010
10:34 am
Let that old ish go.
You right, I just get hot when I think about it sometimes!
And all these stupid books & forums & blogs about this stuff ticks me off too. Everybody thinks they have all the answers. I need to come up with something and be getting paid too!LOL!!
mytw♥cents
February 4th, 2010
10:36 am
I disagree with the quote’s premise. It’s referring more to instant gratification than anything. Like being so hungry you grab Chinese & you’re tryna snack a couple hours later rather than waiting on the pot roast and really being fulfilled.
But there is such a thing as settling. I feel it comes into play when your core values and true needs are dramatically adjusted. And there’s a BIG difference between settling and compromising, which is more about being flexible with your wants. I don’t believe that most of the men I’ve had this conversation with give women the credit to know the difference. We process differently though cuz the whole idea of a man giving women security and/or “taking care of her” is largely heard as Financial to men but seen as Emotionally & Physically to women. That’s why selection should only be made after undeerstanding the mindset.
kimmie
February 4th, 2010
10:38 am
My2 – Like your post, now that’s some sense right there.
East Point's Own
February 4th, 2010
10:40 am
What is very clear is that there are at least 2 definitions of “settling” floating around here.
I thikn Raqi was heading in the right direction… There are things that you can’t live with/without…but if you do try to date someone who posesses qualities you can’t live with then you are settling.
As you age and grow more experienced your needs and wants change, I don’t call that settling if you have come to learn that what you want today is different than what you wanted yesterday. Settling to me is when you know what you want and you take something lesser.
I am not an advocate of settling at all. But I am an advocate of being realistic, not complaining, and offering as much or more than you require. If you have sky high standards/expectations and you are single,that’s fine… now shut up & stop complaining, I don’t want to hear about it. You always have the option to change your requirements/expectations (this is not the same as settling)and then try again.
Here is an example for you people who don’t undertand what I mean:
If you want a Corvette and the dealership is sold out and you buy a Cadillac because they had some on the lot, you have settled.
But…
If you want a Corvette and you test drive it and you find that it is not comfortable. Then you test drive a Cadillac and you love it. And you buy the Cadillac, you did not settle, you changed your requirements and bought something that made you happier than what you thought you wanted initally.
http://hispointofview.com
mytw♥cents
February 4th, 2010
10:41 am
***Primarily Emotionally & Physically and somewhat Financially – most of the women I know are happy to contribute to the household, it wouldn’t be all on him.
Melo
February 4th, 2010
10:45 am
I feel it comes into play when your core values and true needs are dramatically adjusted.
@Mytwocents!??
I hope u come back to give us an example(s) of above adjusted core values(standards??),from a female perspective….
(wondering if i can be patient to give u credit after ur logic is expalined,will try)
Leggs
February 4th, 2010
10:47 am
@Raqi ~ you are absolutely correct. I settled for the sake of her being happy. The negativity was simply camoulaged by my fake smile! It still existed.
Jeff
February 4th, 2010
10:51 am
Here’s my seasoned view (40 y.o. male, married for 7 years, now divorced): When you see both men AND women say “there just aren’t any good ones left”, here is my initial thought..and the short version of it….yo’re not as much of a catch as you think you are.
You think you are settling but your expectation was too high to begin with. Come back to earth.
Leggs
February 4th, 2010
10:51 am
“raqi was that not a comprise for the child’s sake….”
@LadyJ, not the way I explained compromise being a two-way street. I was on the street alone, so I settled to make her happy for that moment.
DreamsMaterialize
February 4th, 2010
10:55 am
“All that” is in the eye of the beholder. This is what I said in my first post when I said it was “subjective”.
Tazzee - I was made to love him
February 4th, 2010
10:56 am
You’re only settling if you’re accepting less than you deserve, and what you deserve is determined by what you are.
I love that statement DreamsMat!
Now let me finish reading so I can comment.
Willie Dynamite
February 4th, 2010
11:00 am
Morning All,
Good Topic I think. On the surface it would seem as though the Settling/Compromising debate could have some validity on both sides. In my experience I personally did not put much emphasis on either. For me I was fortunate to have a core belief of what I truly wanted. I didn’t water it down or complicate it for that matter with all of these stringent requirements. Maybe I was too simple to understand the grandiose thought complexes of the masses. Like many I had a very good idea of what I didn’t want. I trudged along and had plenty of fun in the process. I didn’t have the wow is me attitude because thats not in me. Of course i had standards and prferences and all that. But, like many have said those changed over time and sometimes daily. At some point after the fun and more fun I finally realized the point of it all. I refused to compromise myself. Selfishly speaking, To me I just wanted to be Happy. Simple as that.
DreamsMaterialize
February 4th, 2010
11:01 am
I need to come up with something and be getting paid too! I’m with you all day on that. Let’s put our heads together and get this money. We can be self proclaimed experts too.
Raqi
February 4th, 2010
11:02 am
EastPoint, I think settling in the negative term that is usually attached to relationships is accepting nothing just to have something. But settling in terms of being realistic is accepting something to have something greater.
In that, I don’t think anyone should settle for nothing just to have something. But everyone needs to realize that no individual is perfect and free of faults and flaws.
It just seems like these days people bail at the most minor flaws and that’s is mainly because many are detached from reality. Yeah there are some true @ssholes and scalawags among us that should be avoided, we need to be realistic.
In the perfect world I would not have spent the last two days up to my elbows in baby poop, but in reality is sickness and disease will come. I settled for the poop instead of getting rid of the poop maker.