Chivalrous and Generous? Yes, Please!
In the last few months, I feel as if I have either read or watched some random relationship guru tell single women just about everything we have to let go to have a man. An ongoing theme seems to be that women aren’t all that realistic about what they want. It’s debatable how true this really is in general. I can honestly say that this doesn’t seem to be the case with many of the single people I know. Is chivalry and generosity too much to ask for though?
I think men and women can agree that being with a person who is giving and generous is a huge turn on. Of course, a lot of people think that chivalry and generosity is only related to finances. I think that it relates to more than that. A bargain hunting, practical, smart with his money - man is Grade A hot. These are the guys that will make you swoon with their intellect and financial acumen, all the while finding ways to romance you. This is what I call a keeper.
However, in my experiences, a guy who was cheap is usually stingy, inflexible, and a lot of times closed off. Plenty of frugal and practical men meet and marry women, but cheap men rarely even date. They’re too busy finding more important expenditures in their budget. Hey, if that makes them happy, more power to them.
Ladies, it’s not only sexy when a man is generous; a woman with a big heart who doesn’t have a problem showing her giving spirit, especially in this post-feminist age, is quite appealing to men. I think this is part of why some men get so annoyed when a woman has not made an effort to pay the tab, or make an offer. The idea that a woman can’t show a man that she can be giving could actually become a red flag. Men pay attention to that kind of thing.
Guys, in your experience, do you think that generous women are few and far between? Women are known to be nurturers, but do you find that they show their generosity to you? Have you ever dated a cheap woman?
Ladies, what has been your experience dating cheap men? How do you tell if a man is smart and frugal or cheap and stingy?
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249 comments Add your comment
Leggs
February 3rd, 2010
8:45 am
Good morning!
I haven’t dated much, but never were they cheap. Cheap men constantly complain without much rationale behind their decision to say “NO.” Frugal men usually have mapped out a plan why such and such isn’t a good purchase at the present time. Although you may not see the tears, but cheap men cry everytime they open their wallets. As a matter of fact, the wallet looks brand new cuz it’s rarely open.
All jokes aside, I believe women should reciprocate and date their man as well. He shouldn’t always have to ask her out and pay for the evening.
PRINCESSNIK
February 3rd, 2010
8:59 am
Ladies, what has been your experience dating cheap men? How do you tell if a man is smart and frugal or cheap and stingy?
Where to begin……BIG SIGH! Now i’ll be the first to say I know dating can be expensive but that’s where creativity has to come in. Now the cheap guys i’ve come in contact with always wanna use the QT excuse “lets just stay in tonight and have some quality time” Ok fine BUT every weekend, where they do that at?! Doesn’t want to go out and do something, but no problem buying the newest ps3 games. Smart and frugal guys tend to plan ahead, they’ll effectively rotate activities at home with outside activities, free activities etc……
@Leggs I believe women should reciprocate and date their man as well.
I’m with you on that Leggs, I have no problem paying sometimes especially if its something i really want to do a place i really want to go.
Lady J
February 3rd, 2010
8:59 am
Good Morning MIA Blog!!!!
I once met a guy @ the Cigar Bar in the Highlands….While he liked what he liked he keep asking over and over did I want anoth glass of wine when I wasn’t even finished holding on to cash in his hand counting it periodically and asking again did I want another glass….now if I truly wanted another glass I would have got it with me paying for it without an issue but to go on and on about it I was over it….I think some men test the waters to see what a chic will do or order to determine her character as far a gold digging….
On another date me and this guy went to Lukie for dinner had a ball with convo, ordered whatever we wanted, went to the movies @ Atlantic Station after, the next day had brunch @ Sweet Aburn Bistro and @ that point I insisted on paying bc he changed a flat tire on my car after the movie the night before and he was like what are you doing so I humbly thanked him and put my money away….he paid for everything that week and I must say it felt good and I didn’t have a yuck feeling like I used him….he was a gentleman at best and I respected his manhood…
So it is up to the man to set the tone with what he puts out and I see more women stepping up to date men and don’t mind paying but I also have to respect that dude who wants to carry it….
DreamsMaterialize
February 3rd, 2010
9:00 am
Morning
Guys, in your experience, do you think that generous women are few and far between? I’ve met lots of wonderful and generous women, but I’ve also met selfish women who somehow still feel “entitled” to chivalry and generosity.
Women are known to be nurturers, but do you find that they show their generosity to you? Have to be careful about this. Some women haven’t figured out the difference between being a nurturing “mate” and a nurturing “mother”. We don’t want you to “mother” us, and sometimes it comes off that way.
lurker
February 3rd, 2010
9:21 am
Where is Cemeeli? I’m so hungry this morning that I’m eating my lunch. A “jethro” bowl of salad. Whatever shall I do at lunch time?
Cemeeli
February 3rd, 2010
9:22 am
”Some women haven’t figured out the difference between being a nurturing “mate” and a nurturing “mother”
…the difference is that nurturing “mother” takes care of something and makes it grow to prepare it for the world. The nurturing “mate” should make conscious efforts to support your mate’s whole being….he/she is already an adult.
…I guess sometimes it is hard for a nurturer not to dote over their significant other.
Cemeeli
February 3rd, 2010
9:23 am
@ luker –
…jethro salad?
Sassy Me.... :-)
February 3rd, 2010
9:30 am
Ladies, what has been your experience dating cheap men?
I’ve only dated one and that was part of the demise of our relationship. Money was an issue with him for several reasons…one,being that he wasn’t working at a very lucrative job and second, he had two kids soo there wasn’t really a whole lot of discretionary $$$ to do much with. Alot of the times when I would suggest sumthing to do his first response was “I don’t have any money” or “I gotta wait til next paycheck”…don’t get me wrong I’ve paid for our outings on many occasions cause that’s how I am but after a while nothing changed and I wanted more. Even when money was tight for us both at times I’d have a nice dinner set up either at my house or his but it seemed like I was the one doing the work so I stopped.
lurker
February 3rd, 2010
9:30 am
Cemeeli
Yep, the bowl is bigger than my head. LOL
Lady J
February 3rd, 2010
9:34 am
@Sassy what I have founded out the events chics want to do most men feel they should get the tix….i.e. I want to go tot he play @ the Fox equals me getting the tix for the most part not him….but with that if we do dinner or HH for drinks I feel he can get that….or we pay seperate…@ what cost is enough to much to to have a date @ a function…it took a sec but I stopped putting myself out there…I just go to events now and whomever I see there and we start chatting and go from there….it can be time consuming….@ the end the guy didn’t like doing events period and @ the end with me I can assume without even being upset…it is what it is…
Cemeeli
February 3rd, 2010
9:36 am
@lurker – Just have another at lunch.
@LadyJ – Sweet Auburn Cafe…I haven’t made it to that place yet. I heard the food is good.
abc
February 3rd, 2010
9:38 am
Let go of the materialism. Replace ‘generous’ with ‘gracious’. Chivalry and grace is commendable; seeking generosity in material terms might be nice, but not that serious a criteria for seeking a mate — depending on what it is you’re really looking for.
@ms_jones74
February 3rd, 2010
9:42 am
I have to be honest, here. My experience has been that men felt uncomfortable and ‘weird’ about me taking him to dinner. Didn’t mind me stocking my fridge so I could COOK him dinner, but felt weird about me paying for it. Didn’t mind if I drove us somewhere, but wouldn’t take gas money if he drove. This happened on more than one occasion, with more than one man. It left me confused and not really know where I could ‘be generous’ and where I could make it fair… so if he wanted to pay, I let him. I offer to leave the tip (I’m a stickler about good tips, and prefer to leave them myself, esp if he’s stingy!). If he wanted to drive, I let him. I no longer offer gas money.
One thing I learned in Gendered Communication is that men show their affection in ‘doing’ things. I can see this in my father, my brothers, even platonic male friends. Providing the meal, the ride, the entertainment, even was his way of showing he cared. If I tried to make it even or take it away from him, he felt emasculated and like I ‘didn’t need him’ when nothing could be further from the truth.
I don’t really believe that we as women can even things out by offering to pay, but there are other ways to show warmth and generosity. It doesn’t have to be even Stevens, just an equal display of generosity. For every 2 or 3 dates, I liked to invite him over for a home cooked meal (or even pick up something to go, bring it home and invite him over), maybe a movie or something laid back. Then he doesn’t feel like I’m trying to play on how independent I am, or even worse, usurping his role as the male in the relationship, but it’s a date he doesn’t have to pay for, and he doesn’t have to drive to, except to get to my house.
But see, when every date turns into us sitting on my couch eating chicken wings…………….we got a problem! Lol…
Luvbug
February 3rd, 2010
9:46 am
still feel “entitled” to chivalry and generosity.
@Dreams – Are you only generous to people (women) who “deserve” it?
I would prefer a guy be more frugal (leaning financially reasonable and responsible). I do not want him to be that way b/c he is secretly miserly, controlling, etc…or b/c he is perpetually broke and cannot afford to be the materialistic douche he dreams he can be one day.
I want him to be that way b/c he’s none of those things and is content with himself and life in general.
I have paid in a serious relationship. I don’t remember being excited about it, but I did it and not begrudgingly.
Nonya
February 3rd, 2010
9:48 am
I’ve dated both cheap and “gracious” men and my thoughts are somewhat mixed on this topic. I don’t think one (male or female) should be so cheap that it becomes ridiculous or so gracious that it becomes a turn-off (no woman really likes a yes-man). I believe in reciprocity on both sides. However, the gracious man that I’m dating now has no problem with being practical & realistic, and all while insisting that I never crack my wallet for anything when we’re together. We’ve reached a compromise…I leave the tip, pay for gas if it’s somewhere I want to go, prepare meals on his alternate pay weeks, etc. It balances out in the end and no one is left holding the calculator, trying to figure out who has contributed more financially to the relationship.
kimmie
February 3rd, 2010
9:50 am
Replace ‘generous’ with ‘gracious’. I like that, abc!
Alot of this topic boils down to good old-fashioned manners! The general rule of thumb is that whomever does the inviting does the paying. If I “invite” one of my buddies out to lunch, I pay versus saying “Hey buddy, let’s go to OK Cafe at lunch”. Then it’s understood that each person pays their way. Yes, dating is a little different. It’s in poor taste, I think, for a lady to not even offer sometime, even if the guy does all the inviting.
One of my pet peeves is discussing splitting the bill at the table. It’s just not classy to me. I will offer to put down ALL of the tip, ALL of the meal or ALL of the movie tix, etc. But to sit and itemize like you are doing taxes, on a DATE, is just not cool to me. Of course, if I’m with my girls, it’s no big deal.
There is a BIG difference between being cheap and being frugal! I will get to that in another post!
Sassy Me.... :-)
February 3rd, 2010
9:52 am
I feel you Lady J and I agree that there should be some equalilty/reciprocity when it comes to paying for outings/dinner/drinks…etc. Now with regards to going to events solo I do it all the time…I did before I was in a relationship,while in one and now that I’m single again I just resumed pace. As a matter of fact I’m going out Valentine’s weekend solo and I know I’m gonna have a good time.
Luvbug
February 3rd, 2010
9:53 am
Dreams – The second portion was regarding the topic in general…wasn’t meant for you directly.
M. (pronouced M dot)
February 3rd, 2010
9:55 am
“Guys, in your experience, do you think that generous women are few and far between? Women are known to be nurturers, but do you find that they show their generosity to you? Have you ever dated a cheap woman?”
I think generous women are here but the key is what each guy brings out in her. One word that women need to hear more is RECIPROCATION. Like I always say, alot of women want a guy to do a pony show and try to win her over. It’s not about that. Its about an equal effort of reciprocation. Like I said, alot of women come in thinking because they have a pulse, that they already have the job. Not the case!
I have dated a cheap woman and it is the WORST for guys because the reality is that she wont be cheap to HERSELF. If a guy is cheap, he is cheap all around, with you, his mom, his lifestyle, etc. But if a woman if cheap with you, but she is always well kept, etc then that is a problem.
I also think ladies mess up because Atlanta is so built on guy’s tricking, (paying mortgages, car notes, spending $400.00 on a first date to impress her) that when she get’s to a guy who is regular and wants to get to know her without feeling he has to blow a wad, then she thinks he is frugal. I understand it cost money to date. No problem. It’s not that he is frugal, he just doesnt really know you yet so he is probably being cautious with his resources until you prove that you are worth it.
PRINCESSNIK
February 3rd, 2010
9:55 am
@ MS_JONES But see, when every date turns into us sitting on my couch eating chicken wings…………….we got a problem! Lol
YES! I CO-SIGN THAT!
Lady J
February 3rd, 2010
9:56 am
@Cee Cee I was impressed with the food and atmosphere and mucis Sweet Auburn Cafe gets a 10!!!! They have nightly events visit their web site….the guy liked it too….Luckie Lounge has great food too…don’t sleep on it….lol
Cemeeli
February 3rd, 2010
9:57 am
@LadyJ – Luckie’s went away with the extras with it turning too club-y after a certain time. Last time i went was Michelle Obama night…another time was when Frank Ski was hosting a party.
guess i am getting old.
Melo
February 3rd, 2010
9:59 am
@@@ms_jones74!!!??
Hey lady,come in more often..that was an awesome post..no whinning,no dble,neck talk and so much respect fo the menfolk.
Thats really grown and sexxy!
Luv it!
kimmie
February 3rd, 2010
10:00 am
Gotta echo Melo, ms_jones74, that was a great post!
Cemeeli
February 3rd, 2010
10:01 am
Is ms_jones74 having a Superbowl party? She reads like a host.
me likes your kind maam.
PRINCESSNIK
February 3rd, 2010
10:02 am
@ MDOT I also think ladies mess up because Atlanta is so built on guy’s tricking,
You have a point with that, but at the same time and i can only speak for me You have to take the guy at what his strength is if he has “money to blow” and is comfortable doing so on you……….BUT i’m just as happy with the guy who isn’t “tricking” but comes by and cuts the grass or some other simple thing where he isn’t necessarily spending money but is saving me money. Right now i cut my own grass and trust i could appreciate very easily someone else doing that labor LOL.
ImAPeach404
February 3rd, 2010
10:03 am
My main issue with guys who don’t have a lot of extra money to do things is this – they are not very imaginative when it comes to dating. It’s like their mind is stuck on dinner and/or a movie and thats it. I (personally) don’t find that men are willing to do the research that is sometimes required for finding inexpensive/free things to do on a date.
Man, I’m on so many email lists, coupon sites, text alerts, blogs, etc. in search of a good deal and different ideas. Because for me, I don’t have a lot of extra funds right now but I still think it’s only fair that we share financial responsibilities in dating so I make it my business to seek out deals. I do that with my clothing, food, insurance, hair care… why not with dating? And when it’s my turn to treat at the movies, you best believe we’re leaving 10 minutes early so we can stop at Wal Mart to pick up snacks on the way…
Sassy Me.... :-)
February 3rd, 2010
10:05 am
I also think ladies mess up because Atlanta is so built on guy’s tricking, (paying mortgages, car notes, spending $400.00 on a first date to impress her)
Okay but if dude is trickin then how is it that the ladies are messed up? At which point is the cycle broken?…realize that this mentality exists b/c it happens and will continue as long as there is a man to do it. Is it fair for the “regular” dude to have to deal with one of these entitled women…no but it’s all about choices I think. And if two people are liking each other and want to pursue it further then they will regardless of who tricked out with whom in the past.
Beautiful ♥
February 3rd, 2010
10:05 am
@Melo
you just want to read new booty! yes, her post was good but it has been said many times on here . . . a lot by Raqi.
kimmie
February 3rd, 2010
10:06 am
Peach – good post!
Lady J
February 3rd, 2010
10:07 am
Hey Beautiful ♥!
Sassy Me.... :-)
February 3rd, 2010
10:09 am
…comes by and cuts the grass or some other simple thing where he isn’t necessarily spending money but is saving me money. Right now i cut my own grass and trust i could appreciate very easily someone else doing that labor
OKAY?! Before I broke up with my ex we had a discussion(later an argument) about this very thing. Sumtimes the grass would be to my knees and he’d look at it and keep it moving. Initiative would’ve been greatly appreciated but he’s the kind of man that has to be asked or told everything and that shyt is soo old n tired. I cut my own grass and rake the leaves,too and I HATE IT buut I have to do what I have to do.
Lady J
February 3rd, 2010
10:09 am
Hey CeeCee I am with you just did apps and dinner and drinks kept it moving since Visions closed I haven’t been the same club wise…I have yet to go to Velvet Room….that is the truth! I feel ya!
Melo
February 3rd, 2010
10:10 am
you just want to read new booty!
i hope u meant that as a joke surely!
es on here . . . a lot by Raqi
I appreciate it coming from a single woman more,coz it shows me what maturity she on and her background.
Ofcourse,it shows,ms_jones74 thinks and rolls well above ur chicken head level!
ImAPeach404
February 3rd, 2010
10:10 am
But if a woman if cheap with you, but she is always well kept, etc then that is a problem
@M. – if I may… just because a woman appears “well kept” doesn’t mean that she spent a lot of $ to look that way. I’m frugal but not cheap and I LOVE LOVE LOVE to get a good deal. Sometimes, I look at myself and realize that I spent no more than $50 on my ENTIRE outfit. And thats simply because I wait for everything to go on sale b/c I know that eventually, it will.
spending $400.00 on a first date to impress her HUH??? For real? Maybe I’m much uglier than I thought b/c this has NEVER happened to me!
Question: Should the person who suggests a date or pay?
M. (pronouced M dot)
February 3rd, 2010
10:12 am
@Sassy
I said that women mess up when they get to a guy who is not tricking right off the bat, then they think something is wrong with him, he is stingy, frugal, etc.
It’s not that. He is probably being conservative because he doesnt know you yet. You could be the biggest skank on this side of the Mississippi so we just dont know yet.
M. (pronouced M dot)
February 3rd, 2010
10:15 am
@Ladies,
After how many dates does it take before you pick up the tab?
Leggs
February 3rd, 2010
10:15 am
Excellent post, Ms Jones. Hope you become a daily resident of blogsville.
Lady J
February 3rd, 2010
10:17 am
M. it is give and take it will just happen and it can be the second date I certainly don’t mind paying or showing other acts of grattitude and I always say thank you and follow up with an email or text thank you anytime anyone goes out their way to make one feel good that thank you @ the end or near future it respected by many….
M. (pronouced M dot)
February 3rd, 2010
10:17 am
@ImAPeach404
Whats up peach.
I see where you are coming from but what if she is well kept and drives a luxury car but she hasnt even brought you an appetizer in the 5 months you two have been dating?
It’s not that you are ugly lol you have to switch up your hang out spots. Tricking for guys in Atlanta is like the OLYMPICS, they got Trick categories!
“Question: Should the person who suggests a date or pay?”
This theory is really not logical because women can always flip the argument their way about being old fashioned and how their parents told them that the man should always ask them out.
All in all women never really ask guys out. Some do but some dont. It just depends. They dont want to appear to eager or desperate.
Melo
February 3rd, 2010
10:17 am
@Lady J 8.59??
What happened ‘tween u and the gentleman u referenced in ur earlier post,2nd paragraph, who was kind and generous.
Where did u two not click to not date any more?
Good morning by the way folks!!
Beautiful ♥
February 3rd, 2010
10:19 am
hey Lady J!
@Melo
what she posted isn’t anything new with me. she just summarized in one great post how we feel about treating a man and how different we are regarding wanting things 50/50.
@Jones
keep an eye on him! he think he slick. lol.
Cemeeli
February 3rd, 2010
10:19 am
hehehe….okay so Beautiful is calling Melo over for a wrist slap!?
hot dog!!
@ LadyJ – I attended a b-day party at Velvet Room and left after i’d greeted my friends…It was a suprise party, and it was just enough going on when we left…yeah…i saw folks waiting in cold, in that long line.
Sassy Me.... :-)
February 3rd, 2010
10:20 am
Okay M now that you’ve expounded(hey Dan) on your point it makes more sense. Lord knows we wouldn’t want dude spending his hard earned $$$ on some lowly skank from bumphkegypt….now would we????
ImAPeach404
February 3rd, 2010
10:20 am
It’s amazing to me how many of our topics relate to Love Languages…
I believe that is one of the truest concepts I’ve EVER heard.
Melo
February 3rd, 2010
10:22 am
@Angie!
keep an eye on him! he think he slick
u just a jealous heiffer,thats all.I wld want to smash u if only u kept ur other nocturnal rendevous on the low low and not blasting them here.
what she posted isn’t anything new with me
typical of heifers, pulling another sister down!
Welcome MS_JONES!
Lady J
February 3rd, 2010
10:22 am
Melo still taking it slow but he is the guy I am going to paradise island with go figure….just don’t understand why I can’t be the girlfriend and he be the boy friend….I am being patient but it isn’t rocket science…I am not into it this go around like I was with the other dude….we barely see each other meaning not too pressed for dates or spending time just communicating @ a distant….he does live out of town is the spin so again I am not geting caught up…While I think I can handle a long distance relationship and would even move there if we married I just don’t see it so it is one of those live for the moment type deals….he is a good person…..Melo what card you trying to pull huh??? say it so I can get some pointers….lol
kimmie
February 3rd, 2010
10:23 am
I have absolutely no problem with a man being frugal, economical, financially responsible, whatever you want to call it. In fact, that’s what I look for. I have dated the irresponsible, free-spending type and when things come crashing down, it is not pretty.
But when a guy is flat-out cheap, it is the worst. When he’s counting every penny and making you and everyone around him uncomfortable, that’s bad. You don’t feel secure with this type of man. He never has any money for anything because he does not know how to manage his money. Low income for him is not a temporary situation, it’s a way of life. He’s always grumpy and complaining because he does not have any money. Simple requests and desires are ALWAYS out of reach for him. He has a chip on his shoulders. Not only does he feel like you don’t deserve the best, he doesn’t even feel himself worthy. No, he’s not imaginitive, so he does not know a FUN way to stretch a dollar! “No” is final with him, not “maybe I’ll save up for that”. He uses what little pennies he has to CONTROL. He’s so scared somebody, especially some woman, is going to try to take his little pennies.
He can keep them!
Life’s too short to deal with the stingy & bitter.
Sassy Me :-)
February 3rd, 2010
10:23 am
After how many dates does it take before you pick up the tab?
There is no time contraint…be it the tip or the movies or just anything I like to contribute on every date I’m on….be it the first or 23rd. That’s just me,though.
Beautiful ♥
February 3rd, 2010
10:25 am
@M.
on the first date where i asked the guy out, of course i paid. but i would say that i have paid about 10% of the tabs over the course of my dating life.