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Ring Barrier

Getting engaged should be an exciting and happy experience. The woman has the easy part, she just has to be happy and say yes. The gentleman, however, has to navigate all that comes with proposing. Talking to the parents (if he so desires), plotting out the proposal plans, and ring shopping.

I didn’t realize how much guys worry about engagement rings. A friend of mine said that he did not want to disappoint his girlfriend so he made sure to get her sister involved. My co-worker said that his wife didn’t like the engagement ring he selected and she told him as much.  They nearly broke up because of it.  I know of another couple who delayed their engagement until they could afford the ring she they wanted.

Perhaps I just don’t get it,  but what is it about rings that can cause so much stress? It’s supposed to just be a symbol of a couple’s love and commitment, isn’t it?

Have you ever had a ring cause a breakup? What is the “proper” etiquette for women who receive rings they don’t like? What do you think men should spend on engagement rings?

What happens to the ring if the wedding is called off? Do you think the ring should matter as much as it does?

407 comments Add your comment

Sweets

January 29th, 2010
9:51 am

Well, I’m 41 and have not been married (yet?!) but my thoughts on this subject have changed over the years. I used to say I didn’t care what kind of ring would be offered to me if I loved the man enough to marry him. However, I now think if you are going to wear it EVERY day for the rest of your life, I would like a ring where I get to have some say on the style. It does not have to be a LARGE ring but it has to be one that I enjoy looking at on my hand. I also am in favor of clarity and cut over size. It’s quality, not quantity!

Regarding the other part of this question/topic, I agree with others. I would most likely give the ring back. I mean, what are you going to do with it if it doesn’t work out? It seems really immature to keep it. Let go. Even if he cheats or otherwise breaks your heart, I’d still give it back….eventually.

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 29th, 2010
9:53 am

@Leggs

Well something that doesnt look like it came out of a Dave & Buster’s game machine lol…

Raqi

January 29th, 2010
9:53 am

abc, you are a great guy.

PRINCESSNIK

January 29th, 2010
9:55 am

Well something that doesnt look like it came out of a Dave & Buster’s game machine lol…

LOL!

Lady J

January 29th, 2010
9:55 am

lol Ross i say the courthouse but I would prefer oversees @ a resort very small and just go into it the right way….

Bingo Raqi you knew what you two wanted I was out to please the mass and put on a show for folk that just don’t matter after the fact….lol…

Cemeeli

January 29th, 2010
9:56 am

“Should she have a ring?” it miiight keep the niqqa spirits off her, but not necessarily all the time.

Lemme tell ya’ll about some real talk, and something W8 posted on here a while back…how a man knows….Yea, i gotta give credit where credit is due….sorry.

W8 mentioned a “kept” woman…refering to a man knowing when a women is kept, or has been snagged by a man and his mark is there…Whether she’s wearing a ring, or not…it’s just that “way” about her.

I wholeheartedly agree…cause it is our spirit, mannerisms, the way we speak…that whole aura. I believe men have intuitions (yea they are intuitive)…about whether her man’s spirit rests on her.

maybe it’s a smell or something…i’on know.

PRINCESSNIK

January 29th, 2010
9:57 am

When I was planning a wedding i just wanted a small cermony with immediate family only and a HUGE Blowout of a reception, it was my mother who was insistent upon trying to have a big gala wedding…..I kind of understood since i’m the baby of the family but i just wasn’t feeling it and i still feel the same way, there are better things that money could be spent on.

Nonya

January 29th, 2010
9:58 am

Kept the rings from my 1st marriage/divorce. Returned the ring from my 2nd engagement (didn’t matter to me whose fault it was). I have a male friend, though, who dated a woman for 12 years total…after year 8 he proposed and they were engaged for 4. They broke up last August. He wants his ring back. I told him he needs to charge that one to the game…after 12 years and no “I do”, she’s earned the right to keep the ring. Just my opinion…

Luvbug

January 29th, 2010
10:00 am

You end it? Give the ring back. He ends it? He shouldn’t expect it back unless it’s a family heirloom.

What was Keys’ answer?

@Leggs/M.Dot – I was thinking the same thing about the 4 karat ring…I don’t know about a guy walking around with a flashy wedding ring on.

I guess that’s the other social expectation. Women are expected to over do it and men to under do it.

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 29th, 2010
10:00 am

@Lady J

That’s interesting that you say that. My friend said the same thing. Dont be in a rush. Alot of women just want the wedding. This is the 1 day that all eyes, attention will be on them. Women love attention in any capacity.

Professor is.....

January 29th, 2010
10:00 am

Diamonds are a girl’s best friends!

Otay!

Proper etiquette states that the woman should return the ring. However most men depending on the reason will allow the woman to keep the ring.

Question: Should the ring go back after a divorce…the husband gives the ex-wife his band and the ex-wife gives the husband his ring back? I always thought after a marriage each person should keep their rings and go from there. However a HS associated that is in the mist of a divorce told me he wanted her to give him the ring so he could pawn it :shock: I think he paid 5K for the ring and he was counting the money he would get. Another friend fought his ex-wife and got the wing back and he pawned it as well to me that is trifling.

@IMApeach I want a long honeymoon; nice ring and I could careless about having a wedding I want the money spent on us and the rest saved for our future.

Cemeeli

January 29th, 2010
10:01 am

and also to add to that…if you stay “kept” in or out a relationship…THAT man comes right to your doorstep.

Melo

January 29th, 2010
10:02 am

I think it was more important to me that she have the most impressive diamond in the room than it is to her.

Congrats abc!

Ur mellowing since,kinda shows..no longer gung-ho on the ladies,not as as much.

Im sure some single ones in here wld luv to be close to ur lady so they get schooled on the secret to her man-softening skills. :lol:

U really Tame now dude..completely neutered! :lol: :lol:

Dewi

January 29th, 2010
10:03 am

Something that has not been addressed yet, and I think is a glaring omission in the comments thus far, is speaking with the parents. Not asking permission, so to speak, but discussing with her parents your intentions. After all, they’re about to “lose” one of the most treasured aspects of their lives, one of their children will be officially forming a new family, and making the transition from a parent-child relationship to more of a friend, or mentor type relationship. That is a monumental shift, and if out of nothing more than courtesy, you should always speak with her parents.

Now, I’m not saying that you should ask for permission. If you’re asking for permission, then you are not ready to get married, and should not do so. As I made clear to my father-in-law, mother-in-law and brother-in-law (it took me three trips to their house to finally discuss this with them), I was not looking for permission, I was extending a courtesy to them that I would want extended to me if the roles were reversed. Too many people don’t do this, and I think that’s probably one reason for the high failure rates we see in today’s marriages.

abc

January 29th, 2010
10:05 am

Thanks, she’s an excellent girl! I’m a lucky guy.

lurker

January 29th, 2010
10:06 am

Albeit a few years ago, I kept mine. No quams because of that.

Lady J

January 29th, 2010
10:06 am

M. i will re-marry and it will be for the right reason and the right person for me and my daughter but you betta know I will take my time it is no rush….all we have is forever and yeah I love me some Regina Belle!!!!!:)

Raqi

January 29th, 2010
10:06 am

Mdot, I don’t know of a man that has a super fancy ring. My husband wears a plain band. That’s it. Most men I know just wear a plain band and maybe a few small specks of diamonds or a some type of engraving.

Wedding rings and bands just pretty much say “hey, I am married”.

Dan - my invented truth

January 29th, 2010
10:07 am

12 years, 12 months, 12 minutes…

No wedding, give me back my ring, or I’ll see you in court.

Cemeeli

January 29th, 2010
10:08 am

abc – That’s realy nice. A man wants his woman to represent him….i see you start off with that rang!

NOW we can have lunch. :) lol

lurker

January 29th, 2010
10:09 am

Something that has not been addressed yet, and I think is a glaring omission in the comments thus far, is speaking with the parents.

yep, yep yep Dewi

Sunny Daze

January 29th, 2010
10:10 am

This article brings back memories of engagement ring stressor moments. Probably like a good many young folks starting out, we didn’t have a nest egg and financial assets were minimal at best. We needed furniture and many other things to get started with. I couldn’t see spending a big wad of cash on a ring when we had both just gotten out of college and needed some many practical things. Hence the rub and sleepless nights. I loved my sweetie and wanted her to have the best and she had been mentioning the nice rings her girlfriends had gotten. What to do? I decided to take her to the jewelry store and let her pick out what she wanted. I did nothing to influence her decission but also understood she realized that we needed appliances and dishes and many things. She chose a ring that you had to look hard to see the little bitty rock and was on sale to boot. A few years after our marriage she put that ring away and we bought her another with a big rock but she insisted it be CZ.. You couldn’t tell the difference. My wife’s practicality is just one of the many reasons I fell in love with her and our love has lasted all these years. She’s still my Sweetie.

Leggs

January 29th, 2010
10:11 am

Dave & Busters bling bling!

Leggs

January 29th, 2010
10:14 am

I didn’t think it’s a glaring omission since the topic is about rings. But, I do agree that parents should be asked. That’s one old fashioned act I like to hear about.

Cemeeli

January 29th, 2010
10:15 am

After a certain age he shouldn’t have to worry about getting approval from parents. If ya’ll both got homes, kids, other responsibliites ect…and you all wanna get married. Ummm what are the parents approving?

Cemeeli

January 29th, 2010
10:15 am

@ SunnyDazy – …cool beans. that’s your sweet stuff hunh? :)

Nonya

January 29th, 2010
10:17 am

I’m with you, Cemeeli.

Lady J

January 29th, 2010
10:18 am

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 29th, 2010
10:19 am

@Raqi

Oh ok. Would you and the other ladies be cool if your husband just gave you a simple gold band. It really shouldnt matter right? Just a simple gold band?

Raqi

January 29th, 2010
10:23 am

Women love attention in any capacity

Mdot, all attention was on me at the reception. I was looking hawt and dancing my tushy off. LOL

Dream_n

January 29th, 2010
10:23 am

Good Morning All,

On Topic: I agree with most of the folks, I believe the ring should be given back if the wedding is called off, hey but to each its own.

I’m not on the road to wanting to get married, but if I did, we could get married at city hall and have a very intimate reception with close family and friends…. Then on to the honeymoon. (proly where I would spend most of the money) I’m not a jewelry person, so if my mate didnt have a problem with me not wearing it everyday then i wouldnt. I mean the ring for my doesnt symbolize anything, its just a tradition that we’ve followed. Now the vows in front of the priest and the promise to God to uphold his law iis the most important factor to me.

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 29th, 2010
10:24 am

@Lady J

That’s why I am not in a hurry whatsoever. I just need to enjoy my youth and realize that these women and marriage arent going anywhere.

Like I always say, women like the idea of marriage, Big wedding to show off in front of their friends, ring, honeymoon, etc.

But they dont like the rules of marriage. I heard the rules are to love, honor, and obey. Is that true married folk?

Lady J

January 29th, 2010
10:24 am

M. my girlfriend happily wears her gold band and they went to the court house and she has a good man so yes I would wear it happily….the ring doesn’t take of home….

Cemeeli

January 29th, 2010
10:24 am

Would you and the other ladies be cool if your husband just gave you a simple gold band. It really shouldnt matter right? Just a simple gold band?

M. I’ll be the pretentious one. Yeah, it matters…if you paying a grip for your toys and then get me a .50 blowpop ring no offence WillieD…we got some problems.

Lady J

January 29th, 2010
10:24 am

those are vows both parties take M. before God or their God and he is first through the husband etc….rules is the wrong word imo

Luvbug

January 29th, 2010
10:25 am

Rules you say?

Raqi

January 29th, 2010
10:26 am

A man wants his woman to represent him

Cemeeli, exactly!!!

PRINCESSNIK

January 29th, 2010
10:28 am

After a certain age he shouldn’t have to worry about getting approval from parents. If ya’ll both got homes, kids, other responsibliites ect…and you all wanna get married. Ummm what are the parents approving?

OKKKKKKK! At that point everybody is well past grown. But the idea is cute

Lady J

January 29th, 2010
10:30 am

cee cee my mom was like don’t even invite her to the second one she just wants it to last….lol so serious i was like mama you will be there for me….lol wedding planning is overwhelming to all when you make it all about the wedding! LOL

Raqi

January 29th, 2010
10:30 am

As for consulting the parents, after a certain age that should not be necessary. My husband told my brother that he was going to ask me. I told my dad that I was getting married again.

mytw♥cents... maybe even marcasite

January 29th, 2010
10:30 am

Maybe I’m in moderation for denouncing platinum for marcasite…hmmm

The more I think about the woman bold enough to ask to exchange the ring the more I just think she’s selfish. I’m thinkin’ he’s like take my ring, take my name and take me as I am… she’s like I’ll take your ring (back) and take you kinda like you are after makin’ a lil adjustment….Then maybe she’s also one who wants to hyphenate or maintain maiden regardless of his feelings about it. Yeah, I can overanalyze this type chick all day. Glad I’m not a dude!

GOOD GUY/VAN JONES. Yes —-> that re-ringing is a NO GO! :shock:

CEMEELI Good day madam. Now that interpretation of RUSH is all relative. Some folks tip toe round sitchyashuns & relationships for an excessive amount of time for multiple factors… fear, second guessing, self sabotage… they can all delay the eventual outcome. Doesn’t make it impossible to misstep, likewise a shorter courtship doesn’t mean due diligence hasn’t been done. Maybe they just cut out the foolishness and cut to the chase. Speakin of which, can’t wait till the day somebody question all that extra Ism you’ve been throwin round and you give a straight answer. Yeah, Anutha Futha…

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 29th, 2010
10:31 am

@Cemeeli

LOL I see. Also I heard that sometime women after they get engaged, they take the ring to get appraised to see how much he really spent.

Have any of you ladies done that?

PRINCESSNIK

January 29th, 2010
10:31 am

Yeah, it matters…if you paying a grip for your toys and then get me a .50 blowpop ring

let me cosign that one! if you can spend big money on inanimate objects that show you no affection surely you can spend decent money on an engagement ring for the woman you plan to make your wife.

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 29th, 2010
10:34 am

@PRINCESSNIK

LOL I see what you mean. Can he get at least 2 carat’s or 1 carat and a new tv for the man cave?

Dream_n

January 29th, 2010
10:35 am

Too much goes into that darn ring. Hell that thing can be lost, accidentally flushed down the toilet, stolen, or any other unfortunate accident.

Cemeeli

January 29th, 2010
10:36 am

mytwo – when i said RUSH i mean SwizzB’s is in a marriage. Can they at least get done with that.

No..no no maam, dont get it confuzed…The concept of a short courtship was not my intent….methinks for mainstream SwizzB “why RUSH”. These two are on the media radar and it’s heard everywhere.

What about the kids?… :(

i'm swiss

January 29th, 2010
10:36 am

I think most guys have no problem spending as much (or more) than they can possibly afford on their girl. But on behalf of all guys I would like to extend a hearty F@#% YOU to all jewelers, diamond brokers, etc. I won’t even get into exactly what’s involved with the diamond mining industry — but these thieving b@stards take advantage of the emotional pressure involved with such a symbolic purchase to charge ridiculous prices for a little shiny rock. Mrs. Swiss’s ring cost more than my car. Now, I’m happy to spend any amount of money on her, but d@mn. If I were her, I’d have much rather I proposed with a new car. :lol: Just sayin’…

Melo

January 29th, 2010
10:38 am

That’s why I am not in a hurry whatsoever.

M(dot)???

Just make sure her head is in the right place..the marriage is more important than the ring and if ur financial situ dont warrant anything lavish,she shld go by what u can afford..stick to ur lane, financially.

If she trifling over a ring,pass on her coz u proly saving urself some headaches down the road.

If u start off with a women that wants the “whole universe” of her friends to know and get jealous of her, based on whats rocking her fingers(coz thats what they do, some of them) u know u have started a veld fire in ur lyfe coz u set the wrong standard.

Lots of men dont lead,they are led (mis-led) by the frivolous desires of their women….I had a cousin go to jail for 3 yrs coz he cldnt sustain the lyfestyle.

Its a slippery road,if u do!

PRINCESSNIK

January 29th, 2010
10:38 am

@ M. …..a new tv for the man cave?

the carat’s would have to be if that’s his taste, but yea he can def. get a new tv for the man cave, cause he will need to be outta my way when i get ready to clean the house ;)

PRINCESSNIK

January 29th, 2010
10:39 am

they take the ring to get appraised to see how much he really spent.

didn’t have to I was there when it was purchased