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Ring Barrier

Getting engaged should be an exciting and happy experience. The woman has the easy part, she just has to be happy and say yes. The gentleman, however, has to navigate all that comes with proposing. Talking to the parents (if he so desires), plotting out the proposal plans, and ring shopping.

I didn’t realize how much guys worry about engagement rings. A friend of mine said that he did not want to disappoint his girlfriend so he made sure to get her sister involved. My co-worker said that his wife didn’t like the engagement ring he selected and she told him as much.  They nearly broke up because of it.  I know of another couple who delayed their engagement until they could afford the ring she they wanted.

Perhaps I just don’t get it,  but what is it about rings that can cause so much stress? It’s supposed to just be a symbol of a couple’s love and commitment, isn’t it?

Have you ever had a ring cause a breakup? What is the “proper” etiquette for women who receive rings they don’t like? What do you think men should spend on engagement rings?

What happens to the ring if the wedding is called off? Do you think the ring should matter as much as it does?

407 comments Add your comment

Dan - my invented truth

January 29th, 2010
8:36 am

Good morning,

If the wedding is called off, the ring is returned to the giver (male or female). Court ruling have upheld that an engagement ring is a conditional gift and if the conditions (ie wedding) are not met, the ring should be transactionally returned.

As for etiquette on rings, I’ve heard anywhere from 3-6 months salary (of the male); and if the given ring isn’t accepted (for style, not function) the jury is still out on the etiquette of the recipients given course of action.

Personally, the ring, the wedding day, the entire ritual is overblown IMO. While I understand societal pressure, I could go for me, her, 2 witnesses, a preacher/judge and our favorite spot and do the thing.

PRINCESSNIK

January 29th, 2010
8:36 am

What happens to the ring if the wedding is called off?

Morning all,

I gave the ring back, I didn’t want any ties/reminders of a situation gone bad.

Cemeeli

January 29th, 2010
8:37 am

…first one here…

Yeah, did Melo send in this topic?

Leggs

January 29th, 2010
8:38 am

I think a lot of the angst over the ring is because the man is trying to show his love for his bride to be with the right size diamond, and the woman wants the right size to show off to friends and family (kinda laughing).

And, if the wedding is called off, the ring should be given back to the man! However, if my man calls off the wedding the day of the wedding I ain’t giving jack back. :lol:

Cemeeli

January 29th, 2010
8:42 am

…well guess i was 3rd.

@ Melo

At this point you owe Queen a 10 carat…she has birthed your ashy babies, and she’s cooked you goat testicles, cow thighs, and horse chittling…Yeah bruh, you should step up..

ImAPeach404

January 29th, 2010
8:46 am

If the wedding is called off what happens to the ring??? Well I think that depends on why the wedding isn’t going to happen. If it’s b/c of something HE’s done – sorry dude, you’re not getting the ring back. If I decide that I don’t want to marry buddy… I’ll give it back.

I have a very specific idea about what I want – I’m hella picky and I just like what I like. So, I’d show him what I like and hopefully he sticks with that. And I wouldn’t do it in an obvious way either – maybe just looking at a catalog one day or something like that. I hope my dude wouldn’t ask my sister b/c she knows nothing about my taste!

If I received a ring I didn’t like… idk what I’d do. I would feel so ungrateful b/c I’d want to say something but every time I look at it all I’d be thinking of how much I dont care for it.

ImAPeach404

January 29th, 2010
8:51 am

And Dan I’m with you… I think weddings are totally overblown and a HUGE waste of $. I have a very specific idea of how I’d like my “wedding” to go – and it wouldn’t cost anymore than $500-$600, including food & dranks. I’d rather spend a good amount on a long honeymoon then put whatever else we were going to spend in the bank or invest it.

Raqi

January 29th, 2010
8:52 am

LOL WiseDiva, You don went and did it now.

Yes the engagement ring is supposed to just be a symbol of a couple’s love and commitment. It also is a promise and agreement symbol. Accepting it is saying that you agree to marry the gentleman.

Engagement rings have been said to show in a material form how much a man loves his woman. However you have to scale that based on what the man’s pockets can afford to be fair.

IMO when the man presents the ring at the time of proposal he should know his intended’s taste and expectations. That he way he can get one that he knows she will probably like. If he does not want to chance her not liking it, he should propose and then they go together to pick out the ring. If she has to wear it she should at least like it. And yeah, many will say she should like it just because he gave it to her but that is only part true. He should care enough to get as close as he to something she would like. It’s that part of showing how much you care? Getting something the person will like.

And truth be told, the ring is also a show piece. Other’s will see it. Yeah I said it.

Now being that the ring is presented as a proposal and accepted as an agreement, it should be returned to the giver should the marriage not take place. That’s only fair. It’s different from receiving a gift.

Lady J

January 29th, 2010
8:54 am

Morning folks!!!! Happily give it back and keep it moving…..lol only shacked with one guy, same guy proposed, we married, the ring wasn’t the cause, so no never experienced the ring being an issue….the other issues out weigh the ring…..and I had a modest half carat princess cut solitare and was truly satisfied bc the quality was awesome so I am not into to all that but I can’t lie I do ring watch other chics and be like wow that’s a nice big ring but I wonder how clear are the diamonds…and I will be honest it was white gold not platinum….lol

TGIF CREW!!!!:)

Raqi

January 29th, 2010
8:56 am

Cemeeli, I didn’t think Melo at the time, but while reading I thought a guy who doesn’t want to spend the money must have suggested this topic. LOL

ImAPeach404

January 29th, 2010
8:59 am

Engagement rings have been said to show in a material form how much a man loves his woman.

Raqi I know you were just making a statement and possibly not agreeing… but I just think this is wrong! I think the fact that he proposed should symbolize how much he loves you, not how much he’s spent.

He should care enough to get as close as he to something she would like.

I agree. And not only that, he shouldn’t want to waste such a large amount of money on something she doesn’t even care for.

SlimOne...just call me Nicety!

January 29th, 2010
8:59 am

Well I was wondering the question about picking out rings, just recently. Do you casually take your girl into a jewelry store and get an idea of what she likes? Do you seek out the assistance of those close to her? Or do you just wing it, cross your fingers, and hope for the best…that she likes what you picked out?

Even though I’d be blown away by the proposal…I wouldn’t want a ring that I didn’t like. (not necessarily the size of the ring but they style would be more my issue. I have small fingers so I would want something that compliments my stature)

Willie Dynamite

January 29th, 2010
9:01 am

Morning All,

On the outside looking in I’d say the whole wedding proposal/ring/day is way overblown. I do however understand that for the 1st and hopefullylast time around that MOST women have dreamed about the process ever since they were little girls. Not many dudes sit around with the boys talking bout yeah my wedding day gon be this or that. With that being said I couldn’t imagine giving a Ring that would cause resentment or problems.
When I did the deed I used a .50 blowpop candy ring. It was funny and she laughed but accepted. I told her she could go pick out her own ring within reason and she coulds et up the wedding within reason. We discussed the whole thing and decided on the Day/Date/location and how much we wanted to spend. At the end of it the Ring and Wedding was less important than the Honeymoon and starting our future together. The $$$ saved by getting less than a HUGE Rock was used on the 1st house.

Dan - my invented truth

January 29th, 2010
9:02 am

@Raqi

Because I respect your opinion, I’ll ask: if the ring is a “show piece” and “symbol” of “how much the man loves his woman”, then what is the value of the proposal, marriage, vow before God and family, and subsequent life?

I’m interested to hear your (and any other answer).

Lady J

January 29th, 2010
9:05 am

WillieD now that I had my day you are so right but several years ago you couldn’t tell me nothing…I had to have it and I did…..this time around the courthouse never looked so preetier and trust I am still not fixed on having that bling bling ring….but overrated and overblown is the truth looking back….we live and learn….

Raqi

January 29th, 2010
9:05 am

Peachy that’s why I said “…have been said to…”. I don’t necessarily agree with the statement.

And I agree back with you on getting the ring the woman likes. Many will misinterpret that to mean getting a massive rock but that’s not the case. My bff and her husband has somewhat inexpensive rings but they are really unique rings. They are fusion rings that they had made based on her taste. She is very happy with it because it is what she wants.

Ross

January 29th, 2010
9:06 am

During my divorce, my ex-wife wanted to give me the engagement ring back. I just told her to keep that. However, I did take back the wedding ring, because it had been the wedding ring of my grandmother.

When I got engaged, I bought the nicest ring I could afford. It wasn’t anything fancy, but a $900 platinum set with a nice diamond in it. When I get engaged again, which will probably be soon, I will do the same thing. I might be able to afford a little more, but I just don’t believe in these “rules” about how much a ring should cost. If the woman says no because she wants a bigger ring, then I’ll be happy to take it back and break up. That’s just too greedy for me. The ring is a symbol of love, not a deposit on a financial commitment. If they just want to get a different style of ring, I wouldn’t be offended. Sometimes we as men get it wrong when picking out things they will like. As long as they aren’t trying to “trade up.”

Raqi

January 29th, 2010
9:09 am

Dan, the vows and commitment before God means everything. If you are asking me to change the minds of people that say the ring symbolizes the love I cannot do that.

While I love my ring it is not what matters the most. I not only accepted a proposal of marriage but I made a vow to be his wife. Ring or not I have to be true to the vows that I made.

Cemeeli

January 29th, 2010
9:09 am

I thought about The Melo cause he’s meintioned maybe gettin Queen one. I’ve seen the guy just ask, marry & give a band, but later on got her one she picks…

the idea of a family heirloooms(grandmas and mammas ring) is going away too.

Cemeeli

January 29th, 2010
9:12 am

When I did the deed I used a .50 blowpop candy ring.

Do i know her? I’ve heard this story from a friend…

Dan - my invented truth

January 29th, 2010
9:13 am

@Raqi

I’m not asking you to change anyone’s mind. Just state your opinion on the subject. And thank you for doing so.

As Ross stated (kinda), the whole attitude about the ring/wedding/etc. is the final giveaway about what life will be like after the wedding, IMO.

ImAPeach404

January 29th, 2010
9:14 am

I have a question… ladies lets say that there was a specific ring that you wanted that was expensive and way more than the guy could afford. And let’s say that when he proposed he had the exact ring you wanted. Lets also say you were very curious and asked how he could afford it and thats when he confessed he bought it from someone on Craigslist. Would you have a problem with that???

ImAPeach404

January 29th, 2010
9:15 am

And, I’m really curious about something else…

Swizz Beatz took Alicia to Hawaii for her birthday and while they were there… he proposed!!!
But ummmm, he’s still married. So, do you think she should have accepted the proposal? Do you think he should have asked???

Raqi

January 29th, 2010
9:16 am

WillieD, my marido and I spent less than $1,000 to get married. The cost of my dress, his suit and fee for the minister came to less that $1,000. The reception was paid for by both of our brothers and a couple of their friends. It was massive. Tons of foods and drinks. Music, dancing, laughing, and a good company of family and friends.

We got married 10 days after he proposed.

Now the proposal was truly awesome. Nothing fancy but awesome.

Melo

January 29th, 2010
9:17 am

she has birthed your ashy babies, and she’s cooked you goat testicles, cow thighs, and pig chittling

Merning!

Cee..actually, i think i will buy her a wedding ring,not necessarily for her but for my daughters…jes so they get the lesson and symbolisim that its better to be married than jes sling it to anybody and everybody with no real value in return.

As for the rest of the topic….I wldnt be bothered with all that toomfoolery of somebody trying to act up on my generosity….

Happy Friday!

Dan - my invented truth

January 29th, 2010
9:18 am

@Peach

Swiss aint dumb. If he let AKeys get away, theres a long line (starting with the D) of guys waiting to snatch that right up.

Leggs

January 29th, 2010
9:19 am

Thanks Raqi, I too said it’s a show piece.

@ImAPeach ~ I didn’t waste lots of money on the wedding. I did most of it myself, meaning invitations (thanks to PrintShop), even had the tissue paper in the rsvp envelope, decorations, a friend w/her own catering business who threw down for me, and other friends who got drunk with me while we did the decorations for the table. It was a very nice wedding ceremony in a very nice church. I had a very nice reception.

Sidebar: The day I presented the final divorce decree to him, my wedding ring broke! I had engagement ring and wedding band welded 2gether. I laughed all the way up the stairs. It truly tickled me.

Cemeeli

January 29th, 2010
9:21 am

@ Slim -….friends, aunties, mamma ‘n nem would be thinking “‘Ummm yeah she likes this, not that”. Pretty much just suggest something they THINK. But since he’s my old man. i bet the dollar that he’d get it right by far.

…like soemone said…all you gotta do is know her mannerisms…

Lady J

January 29th, 2010
9:21 am

raqi still wondering back now that it is over why in the sam hell did I have to take a yr to plan a 30min ceremony girl thinking about it and the money spent wow no regrets it just blows my mind where my energy should have been spent….wow…

Cemeeli

January 29th, 2010
9:24 am

Melo – Okay.

btw – you know i was teasing you, right?

Willie Dynamite

January 29th, 2010
9:27 am

Similac – Ion know if you know her or not. If she walking around smiling all the time cause she snagged a helluva dude that yeah you do :;-):

Cemeeli

January 29th, 2010
9:27 am

@ Peach – Ummm SwizzBeat and Alicia operatives for that is “a mess”.

We (society) are confusing our kids…what’s the RUSH?!!

Guy's guy

January 29th, 2010
9:28 am

What happens to the ring if the enguagement does not work out? The guy usually gets it back and takes pennies on the dollar for it when he sells it. Afterall, he can’t save it for the next bride to be, what do you think she would do if she found out it was for another girl? Just another reason why smart guys are slow to take the final step.

Leggs

January 29th, 2010
9:30 am

“….do you think she should have accepted the proposal? Do you think he should have asked???

He shouldn’t have asked and she shouldn’t have accepted. That’s a playa move right there. He knows he can’t marry her. Empty words as far as I’m concerned.

PRINCESSNIK

January 29th, 2010
9:31 am

take a yr to plan a 30min ceremony girl thinking about it and the money spent wow no regrets it just blows my mind where my energy should have been spent

So would ya’ll agree that way more time and energy should be put into the Marriage and not the Wedding? Cause truely there is a difference

abc

January 29th, 2010
9:31 am

I spent way too much money on a certified and very highly rated diamond in a vintage looking setting that she likes quite a lot, a ring for a queen, as she puts it. It’s big enough that it interferes with some of her activities, so I got her a rather large James Avery gold band with a bit of Solomon’s Song written on it in Hebrew to wear when she’s doing those things. I think she might even like the gold band better.

I think it was more important to me that she have the most impressive diamond in the room than it is to her. In fact, I don’t think she cares about that at all.

Leggs

January 29th, 2010
9:33 am

Yes, PrincessNik, more effort into the marriage and not the ceremony!

Willie Dynamite

January 29th, 2010
9:34 am

What happens to Ring if it doesn’t work out?

Well I’d say chalk it up as a loss. Without getting into court rulings and reasons why and all that. As a Man just understand that 90% of the time you wont be getting it back. If you mess up maybe you mess up bad enough for her to throw it back at you. Other than that take the L and K.I.M.

mytw♥cents... maybe even marcasite

January 29th, 2010
9:35 am

If your relationship allegegedly ends over a ring, it consisted of at least one shallow person or two people who’d been denying deeper issues. It’s important to pay attention to your mate’s tastes and I think it’s okay to ask for help. If he’s proposing to me with something cookie cutter then I would kinda wonder how he missed lesson 1 about my personality. But I ain’t about to turn over the card table.

I’m not a fan of telling him the exact ring you want or the idea of re-shopping it after purchase. I think the salary guidelines are ridiculous as a gauge for what should be spent and if we want we could delve all into classicism and what happens when marrying up, down or around your status… If ever outright asked my preference, I’d say I love the aged look of marcasite. Partly because it’s got character and partly cuz it looks antique. And I love heirloom jewelry stories from other folks so maybe I can start that tradition in the illustrious line of Cents’. Have a sunshiney day all!

Dan - my invented truth

January 29th, 2010
9:35 am

@abc

Congrats on the nuptials!!

ImAPeach404

January 29th, 2010
9:36 am

@Raqi – 10 days?! Wow!

@Leggs – It definitely can be done. I’ve been watching a lot of Say Yes To The Dress and Platinum Weddings and I am just astonished. On the dress show, this chick spent 10k on her dress! I mean… the dress!!! They haven’t bought one flower petal, green bean, rented not one limo – nothin! And they’ve already spent 10K!!! SMH…

@Cemeeli – excellent observation @ 9:27

ImAPeach404

January 29th, 2010
9:38 am

If you mess up maybe you mess up bad enough for her to throw it back at you

LOL!!!

Lady J

January 29th, 2010
9:39 am

@PRINCESSNIK all day everyday…..The marriage componet was nver explored with me and i am honest to say it….I wanted that dream wedding and I had it…after our great honeymoon we came back and want to choke each other like who are you after all the excitement ended….girl I could go on but nothing good came after that trust….be true to thy ownself was my lesson learned….

Lady J

January 29th, 2010
9:42 am

and he was no stranger a college sweetheart, lived 4 yrs prior to the porposal, married one yr in the same house, seperated 2, then a legal divorce, we were seperated longer than married legally….a hot mess of just wanting the WEDDING!!!!! Never again boo…lol

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 29th, 2010
9:43 am

Morning.

The symbol of the ring is definately more for outward expression than anything. To a woman, the ring is her NONVERBAL way of showing other people, particularly women and her girlfriends, that I was good enough to be CHOOSEN TO BE A WIFE. It’s definately a bragging tool for women, that’s why they get caught up on mine is bigger than yours comparison.

“What is the “proper” etiquette for women who receive rings they don’t like?”

That’s a great question. The proper etiquette is to get a refund, take your money and put it back in the bank.

My question is what is the proper etiquette for a Man who receives a ring he doesnt like? I am tired of seeing women with blindnig rings, and the husband has a simple gold band. That’s not equal. How come the guy cant get carat’s also?

My coworker’s wedding ring is pathetic. I know the women are going to counter the argument by saying, alot of guys work hard and dont want to risk messing up or losing their ring. How about whatever amount of carat’s that she gets, he should get. She gets 4 carats, he gets 4 carats? And if he works hard and may lose it, give him a gold band just to wear at work.

Thoughts.

Van Jones

January 29th, 2010
9:47 am

Suppose the wedding is called off and whe gives the ring back. What does he do with it now? Take it back? Sell it and get half his money back? Give a “tainted” ring to his next fiance?
Either way, whoever paid for the ring gets the shaft (and not in a good way).

Ross

January 29th, 2010
9:50 am

Fortunately for my, my new girlfriend has made it clear that she isn’t interested in the “typical” overblown ceremony. She just wants to go to Vegas, or somewhere fun, or get married and just have a big party. For it being my second time, I am more than ok with that!

Ross

January 29th, 2010
9:51 am

I have seen a lot of guys with fancy or blinged out wedding rings. I don’t really like jewelry like that. Honestly, a $75 gold band is all I want.

Leggs

January 29th, 2010
9:51 am

I agree with most of what you said M. But, don’t think a man wants to walk around with a 4 karat ring on.

Raqi

January 29th, 2010
9:51 am

LOL LadyJ. Yeah we knew we wanted to get married so we just went and did it. He asked me on a Tuesday night, two Saturdays later we were saying “I do”.