accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

The Tipping Point

It is so easy to get stuck in a relationship that is not going anywhere. Trust me, it happens all the time, even when you have said that you aren’t “dating just to be dating”. Somehow complacency sets in, red flags get ignored, and before long you both reach your tipping point.

When a new romance reaches its tipping point, one or both of you are faced with choices to make. You can communicate and express your needs and desires to redefine your connection, or you can cut your losses and move on.

The tricky part (to me) is figuring out when to salvage the relationship and when to chuck the deuces and move on. When there are no major hurdles for you to cross, shouldn’t you want to work out personality clashes?

Is it possible that reaching a “tipping point” is just another relationship milestone to reach? Don’t some couples go through it and come out stronger than they were before?

Have you ever dated someone and things were going “alright”, but just got a little stagnant? How did you figure out if you would invest more time and effort? How do you know when it’s worth putting in the work?

427 comments Add your comment

Dan

January 28th, 2010
8:43 am

“Chuck the deuces?” Really, WD, really? A lil hood there, yeah?

SlimOne...just call me Nicety!

January 28th, 2010
8:53 am

Yep….that’s my last relationship all the way. Lasted off and on for a decade. Stagnant is not even the word. But let me get this coffee on before I try to wrap my brain around this topic. Danny Boy…you already know my story. ;-)

PRINCESSNIK

January 28th, 2010
8:54 am

When there are no major hurdles for you to cross, shouldn’t you want to work out personality clashes?

Sometimes personality clashes are a MAJOR hurdle in themselves. For example my sis and her bf, she is a neat freak almost to the point of ocd and he is a bona fide slob. I believe they are currently at their tipping point.

How did you figure out if you would invest more time and effort? How do you know when it’s worth putting in the work?

You have to know what’s important to you and what’s worth working on. Betty Wright said it best “anything worth having at all is worth working for and waiting for………….No Pain, No Gain”. Everyone is going to have their diff opinions as to what is worth investing more time and effort.

Leggs

January 28th, 2010
8:59 am

“How do you know when it’s worth putting in the work?”

When I see that he too wants to make it work. Can’t have a one-sided relationship.

Dan

January 28th, 2010
9:03 am

How did you figure out if you would invest more time and effort? How do you know when it’s worth putting in the work?

That’s an easy one; when you want to.

I’ve dated a few ladies that I felt were worth the extra effort and some that weren’t.

DreamsMaterialize

January 28th, 2010
9:06 am

Morning

You just have to decide which “personality clashes” you can live with and which ones you can’t. Sometimes you can tell it’s time to roll when things you once found “cute” or “different” become a major irritation. I dated this chick who always ate her meat last at a meal. In the beginning, no biggie, it was even fuel for some jokes. It’s when it started fueling arguments that I knew it was time to go. When things that shouldn’t cause arguments do, then you’ve got to “chuck the deuces”. WD are you from Cali? Have to start calling you OG Dub D.

Lady J

January 28th, 2010
9:06 am

When I see that he too wants to make it work. Can’t have a one-sided relationship.

Ameen Leggs!!!

Good Morning

Lady J

January 28th, 2010
9:08 am

DreamM good point you made me think of something from the past….lolol it was good it ended somethings just runs its course really…

Raqi

January 28th, 2010
9:12 am

Have you ever dated someone and things were going “alright”, but just got a little stagnant?

Yes. And we actually parted ways once. Like you said you have to determine when to completely cut it loose and when it’s worth holding on to. I had to learn that no matter how much I liked a guy and no matter how much we were into each other, it is unrealistic to live in an utter state of elation at all times. It’s just not happening. But the question is how do you recover? Can you recover?

You have to be truthful within yourself first as to what the person means to you. Do you like them? Is it worth working at? If it’s worth working at that’s the time you may need to get creative. Plan a weekend getaway. Surprise them with a candlelight dinner. Something to see if that spark is still alive. However, if you go thru the motions just to find yourself at the very same place after just 3 days, it’s more than likely over.

Professor

January 28th, 2010
9:16 am

Hola!

I am in agreement with Leggs and DreamsM. I would like to add I govern with my head a lot, so if we both decide the relationship is worth it and it is logical to proceed I go for it…my head rules by 52%, because this heart will get me in trouble.

@SlimOne…a decade. Now that was a long one off/on…if you are okay with it please give us a summary especially on when you knew it was over. I have seen a few of my associates do the on/off thingy for 5 years or less…hoping he would grow up or get himself together money wise, or just things like that…hoping the outcome would be a ring. What held you two together for so long?

I hope you don’t mind me asking.

Raqi

January 28th, 2010
9:16 am

DreamsMat, I agree. If you find yourself arguing over the dumbest, most tedious crap something is definitely wrong.

IMO if you are apart for 3 days and you don’t miss that person at all, chances are it is over. When you stop looking forward to spending time with that person, it’s over. When the thought of that person’s touch no longer excites you, it’s dead. When you start looking for excuses for why you can’t go out, stick a fork it, it’s done.

ThirdWheel

January 28th, 2010
9:18 am

Good Morning people! I am going through the same thing right now. Have been with my SO for a year now and I am about to get the U-Haul and dip out. I don’t even know where to begin… I am tired of picking up after him… He is a huge time slob and I am a clean person. I thought he would become cleaner after living with me but no… Then he eats all the food so when I come home I have nothing to eat… Then when I had a good paying job I loaned him money all the time… he only paid back half but I never said anything. Now that I am down on my luck and need a loan and he is doing better than me he is like ummmmm can’t help you…. But I think the last big kicker is that he doesn’t want to have sex because I lack experience.. well if he wasn’t so fat and lazy maybe I could get some experience…. GAHHHH I am just done… Ok stepping off my box now….

Pookie Mae

January 28th, 2010
9:19 am

my baby dady dont wont me to date nobody elce but hr do. i dont thant it rite.

SlimOne...just call me Nicety!

January 28th, 2010
9:20 am

“How did you figure out if you would invest more time and effort? How do you know when it’s worth putting in the work?”

When you reach a point where you two have either grown apart, or when the basic goals, wants, or needs aren’t pointing in the same direction.

When a person’s hunger, drive, or want to put in effort is no longer there.

When you feel there is nothing productive coming from the relationship…

when there is no longer any further growth…

Like Katt Williams said before, if 10yrs ago you were selling nicks & dimes but you haven’t moved up to kilos or coke 10yrs later, then maybe that’s not what you need to be doing…knowutumsayin LOL!

Lady J

January 28th, 2010
9:22 am

This make me think of John Legend’s song “It’s Over”!!!!!!! LOL I played that song silly…..

Dan

January 28th, 2010
9:22 am

@Thirdwheel

Wooow. You ‘loaned’ him cash and he didn’t return all of it; and now can’t ‘loan’ you any? Eating all the food? And he don’t wanna knock?

And you’re just thinking of leaving, as opposed to being gone…..okay

Raqi

January 28th, 2010
9:23 am

Dan, I was thinking the same thing. All the evidence seems to say that Thirdwheel’s guy is no longer in the relationship.

Lady J

January 28th, 2010
9:23 am

people are who they are and noone can alter that like raqi mention you either like it or you don’t….good point

Professor

January 28th, 2010
9:24 am

Dang ThirdWheel

He sounds a little selfish especially as it relates to the money part. As for eating all of the food…I have seen both men and boys do this, but they will pay for the groceries so it is no biggie more like “who ate my cheesecake and took Mo’s Pepsi.”

After reading that one post it sounds like you might as well bounce. As for the intimacy part, I will let the blog men handle that one!

Regardless of the outcome…I hope you do what is best for you and everything workout in your favor!

Raqi

January 28th, 2010
9:30 am

I think a few other it’s over no brainers would be when you are the only one making an effort to do things in the relationship. When you find that nothing happens or gets done unless you initiate it or just do it, it’s over.

Raqi

January 28th, 2010
9:32 am

When you are no longer a priority but merely an option to them, it’s over.

For Real

January 28th, 2010
9:34 am

What up Blog Fam!!

Wise: This sentence really struck me. “It is so easy to get stuck in a relationship that is not going anywhere.” – What does “not going anywhere” mean. Is marriage the only place a relationship can go? And once married where does the relationship go from there? I’ll bring my point home after you or any of the blog chicks respond.

Lady J

January 28th, 2010
9:34 am

I think a few other it’s over no brainers would be when you are the only one making an effort to do things in the relationship. <——-My red flag that Iplayed the fool for but NOT ANY MORE as I shout it out with my sunday shouting shoes on!!!!!! Boy Raqi if that ain't the truth I don't know what is sistah!!!!!!

ThirdWheel

January 28th, 2010
9:35 am

Thanks yall! I keep hoping he would change for the better but it’s been a year and I am tired! I would rather be on my own than put up with his crap. He does help pay for the food but he should still be sharing.

kimmie

January 28th, 2010
9:35 am

Morning Gang!

Slim, every time I see your “nicety” moniker I think of that song where she says “just call me nicety”! Who sings that, do you know?

On topic:

Sometimes, things just run their course. You cannot force it. No matter how nice the person is, how great you guys look on paper together, sometimes it just is not meant to be. I like the 4 things that Slim listed. And these are the things that break people up quite a bit, stuff that’s not so obvious like infidelity, abuse, money issues, etc.

I also agree with Raqi – when you’re not even looking forward to seeing that person, you know it’s over. I understand it won’t be fireworks every single day, but the thought of seeing each other should put a smile on our faces.

Dog, this is all kinda sad, really.

There are so many things that me & SO want to do together and achieve together – I don’t know if there will be enough time & money to do it all, but the thought and pursuit of it is exhillarating!

Lady J

January 28th, 2010
9:35 am

think a few other it’s over no brainers would be when you are the only one making an effort to do things in the relationship.<————–If that ain't the truth I don't know what is and a sistah does the happy shout know that I know playing the fool and ignoring that sign alone when he ain't making things happen it is nothing but a waste of time to even think he remotely wants you or to be with you…..that thing holds no man or woman for that matter….

Dan

January 28th, 2010
9:36 am

@For Real

From ‘dating’ to marriage; from marriage to death. <– the relationship timeline

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 28th, 2010
9:36 am

Good day…

“How do you know when it’s worth putting in the work?”

I think it’s worth putting in the work when the consistency outnumbers the issues. Meaning, if she is usually cool, but maybe she is having a bad week, then I can understand. We just have to make sure that the other person is not always taking issues out on us.

I think it’s important for singles not to become a punching bag or reservoir for their partner’s waste. Meaning, that everytime there is an issue, you find yourself being a psychologist rather than a SO.

Another way to prevent things from being stagnant is to have some balance and space. I know when it’s fresh and new, you guys cant live without each other, but you have to give them space, let the tension build up, and let them miss you. We have to keep some parts of our lives seperate at times.

Beautiful ♥

January 28th, 2010
9:36 am

@Dan
we all have a lil hood in us. sometimes can’t hold it in. the gurls and i stepped into a club fri nite and let go. we vibed to the music . . . we felt at home. especially when the dj playd r kelly’s *feelin’ on ya boo’ooty*!

lol.

Sassy Me....I'm soo ready :-)

January 28th, 2010
9:37 am

When I see that he too wants to make it work. Can’t have a one-sided relationship.

Ditto on that Leggs.

ThirdWheel let it go….he already has. He sounds selfish and sounds like a user BUUT please know that you,too have to accept some accountability for the situation also. Albeit, it’s not the situation you hoped for but at present it is what it is and you have to do what’s best for YOU. You can do it.

Lady J

January 28th, 2010
9:38 am

Professor

January 28th, 2010
9:39 am

ThirdWheel

I would leave him point blank, but remember that is just my opinion. As for the changing thingy…do you really think he is going to walk in, with a “sack” of food, clean the house, make dinner, feed you strawberries and love you down????

You need to consider what you will and will not do for “love” and stay true to yourself. Do you think he is seeing someone else, because of the lack of intimacy? Do you think he used you to get over the his financial hump? I am just asking…

Lady J

January 28th, 2010
9:39 am

hmmm my other two post din’t make it a sign to step away huh…have a good one folks!!!!:)

Beautiful ♥

January 28th, 2010
9:42 am

@lady j
c-ya chica!

PRINCESSNIK

January 28th, 2010
9:43 am

@ Kimmie “just call me nicety”! Who sings that, do you know?

Michel’le

THE INFAMOUS DK aka THE KING

January 28th, 2010
9:44 am

I’ll say this.. I have made many decisions and stayed longer than I should.. So I guess I dont know much about when to leave or when to work. However I do know this.. When its time to go you will know. You will know.

For Real

January 28th, 2010
9:45 am

Trike: Acknowledge you made a mistake by choosing ole boy. Acknowledge your shortcoming in the relationship and apologize to ole boy. Then give him a big azz hug and step. And remember this quote to ensure that you have learned your lesson.

“It’s often true that the most important lessons any of us have to learn are the lessons we have to learn more than once.”

Dan: You ain’t neva lied!!!

SlimOne...just call me Nicety!

January 28th, 2010
9:45 am

@kimmie “I think of that song where she says “just call me nicety”! Who sings that, do you know?”

Um it was that chick with the real squeaky little kiddie voice that used to date Doc Dre back in the day. Me’chelle something…can’t recall her last name. SOmebody help me out here….???

Dan

January 28th, 2010
9:47 am

@For Real

Come on, Son!

You know that (some) ladies never make mistakes, especially in choosing men. It the male species fault. All ‘men’ are the same.

Don’t ask for miracles.

PRINCESSNIK

January 28th, 2010
9:47 am

@ third wheel, girl you shoulda “chunked da deuces” long ago. I had a similar situation about a year ago, tried to be understanding because buddy had been laid off but ummmmmmm he had to go

kimmie

January 28th, 2010
9:49 am

3rdWheel – Something about you & your story about this guy sound strangely familiar!! I believe you’ve mentioned this guy before – the thing about him being fat kinda stuck out.

I remember you! You say you’ve been with this guy for a year now. If memory serves me, things have not been too right from the jump with this guy. You were looking for reasons to hang in there and work on it with him back then. When you are truly fed up, you’ll know what to do. Nothing we can say will change your mind until then.

Start with working on yourself & being the best YOU. Stop referring to yourself as 3rd Wheel! When you begin to want better for yourself, you’ll be able to react quicker to all of these blazing red flags when they present themselves.

Good luck sister!

ThirdWheel

January 28th, 2010
9:50 am

Hi **Professor** Thanks for the advice! I know people can’t change over night but I was hoping that maybe he will stop leaving his underwear in the living room and start putting the toilet seat down so I won’t have to look at the crap stains on it. I thought maybe he would start putting out but none of that has happened. I am just tired.. I always thought when I had my first real relationship that the guy would be just like me. Clean, loving, educated and just an overall nice person. I got none of those. Granted I can’t put all the blame on him because I have my issues as well. I am working on mine though. He is not working on his. He won’t lose weight… even though he is a walking heart attack and then I think he has an online gambling problem. I am about to turn 30 and I can’t live like this anymore. I guess I would rather move back with my parents and suffer in silence. I wish someone wrote a manual about living with a guy for the first time….I don’t think he is seeing anyone else by the way because he is very lazy. He likes to watch movies all the time and eat. But I could be wrong…

Raqi

January 28th, 2010
9:51 am

An object tips when off balance. When you put more weight on side than the other it will tip over. There has to be a counter weight if you are going to have balance. When it’s all one sided it is going to eventually fall.

ThirdWheel

January 28th, 2010
9:51 am

Thanks for the advice Kimmie! Yep I am same person you remember from a year ago. I decided to stick it out and work on it. It was ok but then I lost my job three months ago and it just went downhill.I am back working now but things are different…

PRINCESSNIK

January 28th, 2010
9:51 am

@ Raqui

AMEN! AMEN ! AMEN !

kimmie

January 28th, 2010
9:57 am

3rd – At the end of a blog day, one day about a week ago, Melo gave some great advice to single ladies about allowing a man to make his own way & letting them move in. I am going to search for that & post it when I find it. It sounded like some stuff my dad & uncles used to say to me.

It does not seem like you took into account the red flags before you moved in with him & started loaning him money. Of course he’s lazy, he has no incentive to be otherwise, especially if he has no ambition and self-motivation of his own.

PRINCESSNIK

January 28th, 2010
9:58 am

@ Third Wheel I feel for ya girl, I had the “let’s make it work” syndrome also. But it takes balance as Raqui so elegantly stated. I re-confirmed my no-cohabitation beliefs. I should have never compromised that one! When we parted ways he went back to live with a cousin and now there are like 6 people living in a double-wide and he is content cause he can spend all his dollars on fixing up junk cars instead of household bills. When i realized that he could be content living that way I KNEW THEN it would have never worked between us. Now that I have purchased a house he tries to come over and is always asking me if i cooked, WEll good buddy didn’t appreciate it the cooking while it was being offered to hime so don’t look for it now.

Sorry ya’ll flashback LOL

SlimOne...just call me Nicety!

January 28th, 2010
10:02 am

@Professor Um…initially it was a love thang that held us together..young…growing & experiencing together. Naturally, being young we didn’t necessarily have our eyes on any real grown-up goals..we were having fun. We definitely had a bond because I guess of the time we spent together..so there in lies that big ole C word —> Comfort. As often as we broke up, took breaks, space etc…for one reason or the other always ended up back into our same ole groove. His goals remained the same which included having fun, no real life goals, friends, hanging out clubbing, women status quo. Nothing wrong with those things but there were no other meaningful ideals on his part to balance it out. No concept of setting foundation for legacy of the future according to ME. So my desire/want/need for more substance became more important to me to want to move on. A certain blog buddy told me this:

whatever he helped you though you should thank him and move on. You have more than satisfied any debt to him. 9 yrs and neither one of you have done a got dayumm thang. He is a mama’ s boy and he’s your emotional crutch. The past is the past. You nor him are the same people when yall first met. Your goals aren’ t the same. Y all don’ t want to live the same way. Learn to deal with each other without the emotional attachment. He is your best friend and you are his best friend. Now stop fugging each other so yall can go off and have kids that fugg each other

LMAO

For Real

January 28th, 2010
10:02 am

Dan: I know there are alot women like that but nothing will ever progress without first acknowledging YOU are 100% for every single thing that happens in YOUR life.

Raqi: Your 9:51 is on point but let me add “balance” does not equate to “equal”. “Balance” is dependent upon how strong the “Fulcrum” and in your case I you appear to have a strong one.

Beautiful ♥

January 28th, 2010
10:03 am

i’m really good at ditchin’ a relationship. expert actually! last nov i met Marcus. i found out that he was the most selfish, stingy guy i’ve ever met.

the last straw was when we were suppose to spend some quality time and do the bowling thing. well, he told me that he didn’t want to go cause he didn’t make it to the bank. wth does that have to do with me? and on the same day when he called while i was xmas shopping for kel, he said *boo you didn’t ask me what i wanted for xmas!*

done! that was the last day i spoke to him. did the punk move and sent his as*s a text msg. lol. not one regret.