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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Brief Interviews with Hideous Men

No, today’s post title is not related to my dating misadventures! Thankfully, the phase of dating hideous boys ended in my 20s.  Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, written by David Foster Wallace (RIP), was a collection of short stories in which men were interviewed about their attitudes and behaviors with women.

The book was adapted into a film of the same name, directed by The Office actor,  John Krasinski. I should have read the book first because I would be interested to see more of how David Foster Wallace drew conclusions about masculinity, what it means to be a man, and fatherhood.

A few of the interviews were meant to be humorous, but some were thought-provoking. The film explores the sometimes “dark” male interactions with women. What struck me most was the kind of emotions that actually drove their behavior. I know some men like to proclaim that they are simple in their wants and needs. I can’t argue that point much, but I would take it further and say that the things that shape a man’s desires, attitudes, and behavior can be quite complex. Would you agree?

Do you think women should put more effort in exploring the character of the men they date? We can figure out what he likes to eat, what makes him get turned on, or what his favorite sports teams are; but what about what drives him? How can a woman get closer to someone if he is emotionally guarded to the point that he doesn’t find it easy to let people in? Should she give up or be patient?

Guys, can you tell when a woman is looking to really get to know you? Are you generally guarded with women that you date in the beginning? Do you find ways to show her who you truly are? How would she know it?

362 comments Add your comment

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 26th, 2010
10:45 am

@Slim/Kimmie

Conversely, if someone feels that they can’t hang with the D, they’re no hard feelings.

kimmie

January 26th, 2010
10:46 am

When people are very family-oriented, background & upbringing really come into play, I have noticed.

Melo, you are an example of one that is closely connected and shaped by your culture. I don’t see you with someone that did not fit in with that.

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 26th, 2010
10:50 am

@INFAMOUS

I agree and also I blame us guys for not being straight up at times with women. I know I am guilty of this. They want a relationship and you go along like you really do then what’s gets women mad is that the pitch is out there but we are changing the play at the last minute.

Now if I even have an inch in my bones that doesnt want a relationship with her, I will tell her straight up you are cool but I dont see this going further. Now if you still want to hang, cool.

Melo

January 26th, 2010
10:52 am

Slim/luvbug

Background can shape u for the good or for the bad..
In some instances,background can motivate u to want to be better..u grow up poor like me,u see ur parents hustling for u and u reflect on it and say,u know what, i want to pursue this direction so i can better myself,my mum and dad and my siblings…
Or u see ur dad doing drugs, u like the lifestyle and u decide to go harder than him as an adult….
We decide or get influenced based on what our inner/core beings are telling us to do…

Every person’s character trait is like a balance sheet,with assets and liabilities on it…and we have traits of assets and liabilites that can be traced to the influences we had around us, growing up.

Ur mate,Slimone,can decide however they see fit.

When u choose somebody,u assume risk..big or small,u really dont know for sure…

For Real

January 26th, 2010
10:54 am

What up Blog Fam!!!

Things that shaped me. 1. My mom as to how I treat women. My showed me what a “Lady” is and the ground work on how to treat them but she also taught me things that a “Lady” is suppose to bring to the relationship. She also gave me my faith and she was/is my compass. 2. My dad on how to be a father. He didn’t get alot of it right but I took what he did right and what he did wrong and made/make it work with mines. 3. My Paw-Paw.gavemetheoutline of the type of man I wanted to be. Capable of standing on his own with the ability to lead. But the most important thing my Paw-Paw taught me was realizing that my mind is the strongest weapon on the planet.

How can a woman get closer to someone if he is emotionally guarded to the point that he doesn’t find it easy to let people in? – I make everyone I meet earn my trust before I let anyone in. I think one of the biggest difference between men and women is that men can separate body from mind. The mind being the most important for men and the body being the most important for women. One piece of advise to those women that want to get to know there man more deeply, “LISTEN INSTEAD WAITING TO TALK!!” It can’t be about you and your struggles every single day.

Guys, can you tell when a woman is looking to really get to know you? – Wise I think it’s important to make the distinction between “getting to know a dude” and “is this the right dude for me”. I think women get hung up on the latter which is why yall always claim “I didn’t see the red flags”. Dudes know when they are being interviewed (is he right for me) versus I like you (I want to get to know him).

Beautiful ♥ spoke with DaCl about the feelings thing. We agreed friendship comes 1st!

January 26th, 2010
10:56 am

@For Real
at age 41, i date to marry not to chill. so *is this the right dude for me?* is my frame of mind when meeting a man.

Cemeeli

January 26th, 2010
10:59 am

hey…

…i’m moody today…not a bad funky kinda “moody”…just the kind of way that only he can fix.

lemme say something to the topic…Honesty and patience. If you are honest, that’s ’bout all you need to get a person to be “open”.

SlimOne...just call me Nicety!

January 26th, 2010
10:59 am

4Real Good post! ;-)

For Real

January 26th, 2010
10:59 am

Oh the 4th thing that shaped me is my environment. Peace Out to Allen Temple, Hollywood Courts, Perry Homes, Boat Rock and can’t forget Dankhead aka Bankhead.

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 26th, 2010
11:00 am

@Angie

That’s what he’s saying….if “is this dude right for me” as opposed to “who is this dude” or “what kinda nikka is this”?

It’s the difference between what he tells you and what he shows you.

Beautiful ♥ spoke with DaCl about the feelings thing. We agreed friendship comes 1st!

January 26th, 2010
11:01 am

For Real

January 26th, 2010
11:03 am

“at age 41, i date to marry not to chill. so *is this the right dude for me?* is my frame of mind when meeting a man.” – Then don’t get cry foul when you are standing there at the end of the relationship wondering what the hell happened. If you find out who the dude is first then you will know “if this dude is right for you”.

“4Real Good post!” – How many rubs on the CT did I earn cause I got more?

Bruthaman

January 26th, 2010
11:03 am

Good Day Ladies and Gents, I have a theory when it comes to being open and honest. If you are honest, the openness is apparent. It is not my wish to control anyone’s behavior/actions. Altering who I am in order to affect someone’s behavior and/or actions does not give me a genuine assessment.

kimmie

January 26th, 2010
11:05 am

I think it’s important to make the distinction between “getting to know a dude” and “is this the right dude for me”

4 Real – But shouldn’t you “get to know” a dude BEFORE you can decide if “this is the right dude for me”? One should follow the other, should it not?

For Real

January 26th, 2010
11:05 am

“…i’m moody today…not a bad funky kinda “moody”…” – For Real now handing Cee a fresh jar of Tussy. Remember, two fangas is all you need.

Lady J

January 26th, 2010
11:05 am

Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart init, take yourself out of it….this is so real!

Beautiful ♥ spoke with DaCl about the feelings thing. We agreed friendship comes 1st!

January 26th, 2010
11:07 am

@Dan
a couple of weeks ago i put on my FB Wall *Good for you or Good to you?* it blew the f up! i so enjoyed the 40 plus responses from my ppl.

*Good for you* won hands down!

Luvbug

January 26th, 2010
11:07 am

I disagree that character is like a balance sheet…more a wrap sheet (j/k). A balance sheet analogy implies a definite result with a universally standard of measurement. What is considered “good character” is more subjective…in the eye of the beholder. What of the guy who counts his liabilities as assets?

THE INFAMOUS DK aka THE KING

January 26th, 2010
11:07 am

Tooo Open refers to your sexual past.. Anything else is fair game.. I dont need to know your Ex fcuked you in a suite at the hawks game..

VoiceOf Reason

January 26th, 2010
11:08 am

M. Dot,

I am sooooo scared of any woman that comes you’re way. First, I appreciate that you feel that you have alot to offer, and want a woman to have the same, however…..you really come off (based on all what I’ve read in your posts today) as a man that wants to be courted instead of doing the courting. You will definitely have a harder time dating than most men simply because the woman that is willing to court you will NEVER end up being the woman you want. When you finally find a woman that meets all the qualities and standards that you have mentioned above, best believe, she will know her value and you will need to court her. That will be what she’s accustomed to, and if YOU don’t step up and act like you will beat down doors to get ‘the job’, then she’ll move on.

The good news is you don’t have to change a thing about yourself, this will happen naturally when you meet her. Just hope you’re up for the challenge.

Lady J

January 26th, 2010
11:08 am

@Bruthaman so true and most get caught up in that cycle and lose self trying to alter another adult…back to insanity to say the least…good post!

Luvbug

January 26th, 2010
11:09 am

For Real

January 26th, 2010
11:09 am

“But shouldn’t you “get to know” a dude BEFORE you can decide if “this is the right dude for me”? One should follow the other, should it not?” – Yes that’s my point but 99.3% of all women fall on their selfish tendices which is “is this dude right for me” instead of leaning on what they gather from dude after getting to know him.

SlimOne...just call me Nicety!

January 26th, 2010
11:11 am

@ For Real “How many rubs on the CT did I earn cause I got more?” Well it probably won’t take many for me…depends on what my recovery time is looking like :mrgreen: And lawd you done went and pulled that dayum TUSSY out da vault. They haven’t found a way to put that in a roll-on yet???? :lol:

Beautiful ♥ spoke with DaCl about the feelings thing. We agreed friendship comes 1st!

January 26th, 2010
11:12 am

@For Real
i’m gonna cry foul but he won’t know this. the blog will def hear about it. been lucky so far. have never been dumped/let go.

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 26th, 2010
11:12 am

@DK

I disagree.

While I may not need the details, the fact that it’s happened (ie. she’s capable of it), is gold to me.

For Real

January 26th, 2010
11:13 am

“I dont need to know your Ex fcuked you in a suite at the hawks game..” – Dayum chickenhead can’t keep dey mitty-fickin mouth shut. Oh wait a minute, did she mention if the Hawks were playing the Wizards?

Beautiful ♥ spoke with DaCl about the feelings thing. We agreed friendship comes 1st!

January 26th, 2010
11:13 am

@For Real
you just contradicted yourself. but whatever.

kimmie

January 26th, 2010
11:15 am

4 Real – I guess common sense isn’t really very common!

Kinda like what I tell people that are on the outside looking in on a relationship. People will say how could he/she let that “good” woman/man go? Yeah, they look good on paper, on the outside. But maybe they took a look at the inner core, “got to know” and found out that person maybe okay, but “not right for them”.

Bruthaman

January 26th, 2010
11:16 am

@For Real, what you know about the courts, I thank God everyday for allowing me to grow up in Bankhead. It has set a foundation like none other full of strength, empathy, compassion, brotherhood, humbleness and swagger. If you can survive any of those places you named and not be on drugs, have a criminal record or multiple baby momma’s you have all the tools you need to make it. (sorry for going off on a tangent)

For Real

January 26th, 2010
11:16 am

“you just contradicted yourself. but whatever.” – Where and when?

Beautiful ♥ spoke with DaCl about the feelings thing. We agreed friendship comes 1st!

January 26th, 2010
11:16 am

@For Real
or maybe i should have asked you to clear what you posted up a lil. *shrug*

Luvbug

January 26th, 2010
11:17 am

I dont need to know your Ex fcuked you in a suite at the hawks game..

Where they do dat at??

Sorry…could..not…resist

Beautiful ♥ spoke with DaCl about the feelings thing. We agreed friendship comes 1st!

January 26th, 2010
11:18 am

*But maybe they took a look at the inner core, “got to know” and found out that person maybe okay, but “not right for them”.*

i believe its okay to go either way. this is why we get engaged first. while engaged to a man, you’re given the opportunity to get to know this man.

I am whatever you say I am

January 26th, 2010
11:18 am

Morning blog.
I’m gouchy due to sinus pain.
Anyhoo, what ever happened to people just keeping things simple?
If you want someone to be open, you have to set an example and be open as well. But don’t expect the other person to recipricate (did I spell that right?)
I think that when it comes to dating, people forget to keep things simple. Just date and enjoy yourself. The more time you spend with someone, the more will be revealed.

THE INFAMOUS DK aka THE KING

January 26th, 2010
11:19 am

Dan – You’ll know.. You’ll know she banged a dude anywhere cause she’ll do it for you.. I personally try them all to see how far they will go.. I dont look at women as pristine new models.. I look at em all as if they have had wood in their mouths. So if she got that Freaky Deaky in her and I can hit her in the window in Vegas.. Then Im gonna get that out of her.. Then I can decide if she’s too freaky or not. Im very intuned to women and wh0res.. I can tell the difference with a 1 to 2% degree of difference.

VoiceOf Reason

January 26th, 2010
11:20 am

@ I am whatever you say I am

BEST COMMENT EVER!!

lovelyliz

January 26th, 2010
11:21 am

“Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.”

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 26th, 2010
11:21 am

@DK

I know.

But again “too” is in the eye of the beholder. My threshold for “too” may be a lil different than yours, bruh.

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 26th, 2010
11:26 am

@VoiceOf Reason

That’s funny that you wrote that under another name. It’s obvious that you are a regular who wrote that under another name but hey, if you have something to say say it.

When I said alot of women come in like they have the job, LIKE I SAID and I STAND BY WHAT I SAID, alot of guys get caught up on the fact that she has a cookie and automatically give her the job rather than qualifying her for the position. What else does she have to offer besides the cookie, curves, and a weave?

“you really come off (based on all what I’ve read in your posts today) as a man that wants to be courted instead of doing the courting.”

I have no problem with courting a woman I am interested in. What is wrong with guy’s wanting a woman to bring something to the table? Women want a guy to bring something to the table right? Do you think that as guys we should feel devalued and just be glad to have a woman laying under us?

Let’s keep it 100% now. Lets have some real talk. Got it?

THE INFAMOUS DK aka THE KING

January 26th, 2010
11:26 am

DK – Yeah Dan I wouldnt want the girl who screwed the football team freaky but a lil action in a suite at the Hawks game wouldnt bother me.. A confident sexy freaky for her dude kinda chick.. Let it all hang out for her dude cause she loves him and wants him to think about that thang while he’s at work. Oh Im sorry I got lost for a sec..

THE INFAMOUS DK aka THE KING

January 26th, 2010
11:29 am

Beauty – You need to know these thing way before Engaging in anything.

THE INFAMOUS DK aka THE KING

January 26th, 2010
11:30 am

Luvbug – You wanna see where they do that at??

Luvbug

January 26th, 2010
11:32 am

as in…that seems adventurous…must include something similar on my bucket list…

It's me again Martha

January 26th, 2010
11:34 am

Letting her know who we are during first meetings is difficult. Why? Well I was hoping you’d ask that question. Let’s begin:
1)There’s a reasonably good chance we aren’t totally comfortable with ourselves. Human nature dictates that we question numerous things about us like appearance, intellect and effective communication (just to name a few). Who is ready and willing to lay out our percieved flaws on the table? Not I kind Mam.
2) Fear of rejection. In case you have yet to hear gals, this is a biggie with the guys. Will I say something stupid? Will she disapprove of something in my background? Will too much infomation about myself prove dangerous? Hmmm… Maybe I should let her do most the talking and just agree with everything she says. Yeah, that’s safe.
3) She’s great. I don’t want to blow this. Right now I’ll be guarded and listen for clues about what she likes without divulging too much about myself right now. That’s the ticket.This is about who she wants and it may not be who I am. Complicated? You bet. Don’t tell yourself otherwise.

For Real

January 26th, 2010
11:35 am

“i believe its okay to go either way. this is why we get engaged first. while engaged to a man, you’re given the opportunity to get to know this man.” – Um ain’t no dayum way I’m shoveling out half of my monthly income ($625.00) on a foh carat cz ring on some chick I don’t know well except for Professor cause she got dem big face hundits!!

“Where they do dat at??” – I got access to a suite….

Lady J

January 26th, 2010
11:41 am

Martha you are on to something…being true to thy own self and content and accepting after rejection life goes on…noone is 100% and our story makes us unique and some grounded more than others….life lets embrace it together through it all…is that simple or what….ha! lol

Luvbug

January 26th, 2010
11:41 am

See…just like – all that character talk out the window :lol:

Luvbug

January 26th, 2010
11:42 am

meant “Just like that”

dang!!!

VoiceOf Reason

January 26th, 2010
11:44 am

@ M. (pronouced M dot)

What in the world…..I’m never in this blog. Ever! And have never posted before. Paranoid much?

Also, please ease up on the anger. I haven’t disputed anything you said and I still don’t have a problem with anything that you said, and more than willing to forgive the rudeness. Please re-read my post and focus on the part that says I’m glad you know you have something to offer and want the same. Maybe you just panicked when you say I was writing directly to you and assumed anything I was going to say was going to be negative. (And this point, I feel even MORE sorry for the women coming your way).

I don’t think you should feel devalued, and NOTHING in my post suggested you should. But I also stand by what I said.

If you’re not interested in a relationship, feel free to date whichever hoodrat comes your way. And based on your love of the cookie (fa real?), curves and weaves that you keep mentioning, I bet hoodrats are a-plenty at your place…..however, when you’re seriously ready to be with someone, you’ll see that the women that try to prove themselves to you will never be the ones you want. They can’t be, because if they were, you would have already seen that in them!!

Let me ask…..would you ever chase a million dollar bill or keep walking in the hopes that it will chase you?