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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Brief Interviews with Hideous Men

No, today’s post title is not related to my dating misadventures! Thankfully, the phase of dating hideous boys ended in my 20s.  Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, written by David Foster Wallace (RIP), was a collection of short stories in which men were interviewed about their attitudes and behaviors with women.

The book was adapted into a film of the same name, directed by The Office actor,  John Krasinski. I should have read the book first because I would be interested to see more of how David Foster Wallace drew conclusions about masculinity, what it means to be a man, and fatherhood.

A few of the interviews were meant to be humorous, but some were thought-provoking. The film explores the sometimes “dark” male interactions with women. What struck me most was the kind of emotions that actually drove their behavior. I know some men like to proclaim that they are simple in their wants and needs. I can’t argue that point much, but I would take it further and say that the things that shape a man’s desires, attitudes, and behavior can be quite complex. Would you agree?

Do you think women should put more effort in exploring the character of the men they date? We can figure out what he likes to eat, what makes him get turned on, or what his favorite sports teams are; but what about what drives him? How can a woman get closer to someone if he is emotionally guarded to the point that he doesn’t find it easy to let people in? Should she give up or be patient?

Guys, can you tell when a woman is looking to really get to know you? Are you generally guarded with women that you date in the beginning? Do you find ways to show her who you truly are? How would she know it?

362 comments Add your comment

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 26th, 2010
9:09 am

Ahhhh,

The mind of a young male versus one more developed (and the interactions with women before and during development)….this should be fun.

SlimOne...just call me Nicety!

January 26th, 2010
9:27 am

Good morning! Anxious to see what this topic brings out of the hands of fellow male bloggers. ;-)

Lady J

January 26th, 2010
9:28 am

hmmmm would love to see the remarks to this blog….lol Good Morning to a busy morning!

QC

January 26th, 2010
9:36 am

Morning have a great day all :)

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 26th, 2010
9:38 am

For me (only);

Looking back on past behavior, a lot of it was motivated by what/who I saw my peers doing, what I felt were my own inadequacies in that area (one vs. 3,4,5), and how all that related to who I [was].

It wasn’t just peer pressure, it was curiosity and hormones, and not really knowing anything beyond behavior I saw and heard about. (I won’t blame my relationship role models, because they did what they did.)

What I began to see was that it was less about the perception of others and more about how I felt. Less about ‘notches’ and more about the experience with the individual woman.

Beautiful ♥ spoke with DaCl about the feelings thing. We agreed friendship comes 1st!

January 26th, 2010
9:48 am

mood today: giddy!

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 26th, 2010
9:53 am

“How can a woman get closer to someone if he is emotionally guarded to the point that he doesn’t find it easy to let people in? Should she give up or be patient?

Guys, can you tell when a woman is looking to really get to know you? Are you generally guarded with women that you date in the beginning? Do you find ways to show her who you truly are? How would she know it?”

Let me kick this off…

My vibe is definately a little complex in the beginning. I just want to fill things out first.

I think the issue is that some women really don’t try to really get to know the guys that they deal with. Emphasis on the word “guys” because we live in a culture that is based on surreal dating i.e. dating to date which is really getting to know a few people and then narrowing down who you really want to be with.

I also say they dont really try to get to know the guy because alot of women come in the door like they ALREADY HAVE the job rather having to qualify for the job. For this, I blame us men because alot of times, we dont really require much of the women that we deal with than physical gratification. Therefore, alot of females are used to their physical gratification getting them everything and never really having to work to get a guy. Yes there are exceptions, but alot of women come in the gate with this mentalitiy: I’m cute, desirable, indepedent, etc. so I know he will want me automatically; doesnt work that way. Its about what she is bringing to the table besides physical.

Raqi

January 26th, 2010
10:03 am

IMO it’s all about being true to your word and trust. I think once a man has your trust and knows that your word can be banked on he will let you in. Being allowed to get in on what motivates the man gives you the opportunity to be a part of his growth. Whether it’s thru physical and material contributions or just by way of good emotional support. It’s a plus have that entry in a relationship.

However, I am not a man so I don’t know. Just my experience so far.

SlimOne...just call me Nicety!

January 26th, 2010
10:03 am

@Mdot When a guy says “what is ole girl bringing to the table?”…what types of things are you referring to? (outside of the physical realm? money….status…material things…degrees?

Lady J

January 26th, 2010
10:05 am

interesting M. the male perspective will rule today!!!!:)

Dan birds of a feather flock together for both parties good point…

Sassy Me....Soldier of Love :-)

January 26th, 2010
10:07 am

When a guy says “what is ole girl bringing to the table?”…what types of things are you referring to?

Good question…can’t wait to read the replies. Where you at DK and PG?

M. (pronuced M dot)

January 26th, 2010
10:07 am

@SlimOne

“what is ole girl bringing to the table?”…what types of things are you referring to? (outside of the physical realm? money….status…material things…degrees?”

When I say bringing things to the table, I mean tangibles. Status doesnt mean anything to me and the degrees are hers.

I am thinking more like what ways can she be integrated into your life positively. Can she be an asset, is she drama free, does she compliment you, etc. Is she the missing piece all around? It’s like if the hawks were to trade for Kobe Bryant. You know what he can do for your team. Period.

Beautiful ♥ spoke with DaCl about the feelings thing. We agreed friendship comes 1st!

January 26th, 2010
10:07 am

*women come in the door like they ALREADY HAVE the job rather having to qualify for the job*

this does *NOT* pertain to all women, i.e. me!!!

THE INFAMOUS DK aka THE KING

January 26th, 2010
10:09 am

What up.. Pay attention to me like I pay attention to you. Take time to find out what Im interested in just like I have to learn you interests and likes.. Oh course Im gonna be as mysterious as possible when getting to know me because me personally I dont trust people. Men or women.. So Im always a little guarded but once I begin to feel comfortable with you Im an open book. Im a complex individual and the chick that takes the time to learn who I am will be pleasantly surprised at what she finds. Im complex and the castle is guarded by a moat, a dragon, a black forest and a draw bridge but on the otherside of that wall is paradise personified.

Lady J

January 26th, 2010
10:10 am

@THE INFAMOUS DK aka THE KING I do have a hard time doing 2 things at once and it shows in my typing….lol dating wise listening and hearing and talking still trying to master…you are right pay attention men do communicate and what we need to know is there for the most part it is how it is percieved and process bc not getting it all the time causes assumtions galore….lol good post!

Raqi

January 26th, 2010
10:10 am

Slim, that’s a good question that I have been trying to get the men on here to answer for a while.

We all are in need or want something when it comes to life and relationships. I think that term “bringing to the table” would be the fulfillment of those needs and/or wants. At least for me it is. It’s like if I was doing a dinner party and I already have all the proteins needed. I don’t a man to bring meat to the table. I need those side items. I need the things that will make it a complete meal. Those things that will enhance the protein that is already being served.

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 26th, 2010
10:11 am

@Beautiful

LOL, well how do you walk in the door?

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 26th, 2010
10:11 am

@Slim

It’s not just the material (like M. said, there are standard ‘things’ that most women posses), it’s the little isht.

A babe learning what I like, accepting me at face value, and even joining in on some stuff will winner her a lot of attention. That’s not to say just be there; how and when you voice a concern matters as well.

It’s the natural tension between us wanting sex (and the little things) before you get to know me and y’all wanting to get to know the cat before giving the sex (and the little things). <–simplified and general but true.

THE INFAMOUS DK aka THE KING

January 26th, 2010
10:13 am

What are you bringin to the table means.. Are you a asset or liability? Point blank.. Are you bringing negative eneergy, baggage or BS to my table.. If you are you wont be sitting long. Are you bringing to my table what you are requiring of me to bring to your table. Are you bringing a lady to my table or some hybrid of a lady. Half Lady / Half Societal BS..

Beautiful ♥ spoke with DaCl about the feelings thing. We agreed friendship comes 1st!

January 26th, 2010
10:13 am

*am thinking more like what ways can she be integrated into your life positively. Can she be an asset, is she drama free, does she compliment you, etc. Is she the missing piece all around?*

good point, but we already know this. this refresher is definitely needed today though.

BSandwich

January 26th, 2010
10:15 am

@Raqi

You are right. Once we have a woman’s trust and we know that she is true to her word, we will her in. It’s a two way street with trust starting any type of relationship, romantic or otherwise.

THE INFAMOUS DK aka THE KING

January 26th, 2010
10:17 am

Beauty – If ya’ll knew this.. We would have more lasting relationships.. Listen today.. Please. You dont know anything about us for real.. You only think you do.

Thats where ya’ll mess up ya’ll think ya’ll got it all figured out but ya’ll cant have it all figured out without our imput..

Lady J

January 26th, 2010
10:18 am

deep….hmmm

Lady J

January 26th, 2010
10:18 am

it is something when you can see right through folk and their aims….

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 26th, 2010
10:19 am

@Raqi

Hang out with me and watch the game;

If you drink, drink with cha boy (those conversations are sooo revealing);

If I play poker, basketball, Call of Duty, let me play it without it being (or you feeling that it is) a threat to the time I spend with you.

Make me my favorite (or even a) meal.

If I’m constantly making efforts to get to know your personality, likes, and dislikes and making accomodations for all that; do the same for me. (and freaky sex helps too…..)Slim looking at you

THE INFAMOUS DK aka THE KING

January 26th, 2010
10:21 am

Ladies I want ya’ll to try your hardest to stop believeing that you know men.. You dont. Just like we dont know you. Actively pursue the knowledge though like you are getting a masters degree. Put that effort into it, to know you man and it will be reciprocated.. Study Him and allow him to study you. Therefore if they arent right for you, you will know sooner rather than later..

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 26th, 2010
10:21 am

@Dan 10:11 post:

This is what I mean when I said some women come in like they already have the job. They know you want the cookie so in their mind they have a asset you want. It’s like putting the carrot on a stick and holding it in front of you. This is how alot of women can use cookies to manipulate guys. So alot of women feel they dont have to earn anything because they have the ace in the hole which is the cookie. But if we can trump that cookie and require her to bring more to the table than that, then we are golden.

Lady J

January 26th, 2010
10:22 am

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 26th, 2010
10:23 am

@MDot

Sometimes and from some women, that’s all I want.

If she hasn’t shown, in a reasonable amount of time, the willingness or capacity to do more or do better, then I’ll take the sex. And that’s it.

Difference is, the D will tell a chick that “that’s all [he] wants outta this”. <–informed consent

I feel you on the "bringing more", but what you have to realize is that some women (and men) don't have the capacity, ability, or potential to "bring [any]more".

Beautiful ♥ spoke with DaCl about the feelings thing. We agreed friendship comes 1st!

January 26th, 2010
10:23 am

@M Dot
the men that i’m interested in marrying i consider to good for me (JMO). so when i walk in the door, i know i have a lot of work ahead of me. i guess what i’m sayin’ is that i like a challenge.

if you step to me and i know i gotchu within 5 mins, there’s a possibility that we won’t work out.

there’s a saying/question *are you guilty of self-sabotaging your own happiness?* i think sometimes i do!

THE INFAMOUS DK aka THE KING

January 26th, 2010
10:26 am

The thing is this.. We love each other and always will.. We just have to find our way back to what made us special to one another rather than what other things I can hate you for. I think it is critical for a woman to listen to a dude just as intently as she expects him to listen to her. Understand that a mans actions speak way louder than any words he could ever say. When he feels for you he will make it understood that you are for him and you need to show him the same.. Heres a little secret.. We actually have feelings too and we like to know our woman approves of us and what we are trying to do..

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 26th, 2010
10:26 am

@MDot

Some women (and men) don’t have the capacity, the ability, the desire, or the potential to “bring more”.

Melo

January 26th, 2010
10:26 am

things that shape a man’s desires, attitudes, and behavior can be quite complex

@..Do you think women should put more effort in exploring the character of the men they date?

YES..women and men shld put more efort in exploring the potential’s character.

And my theme has never wavered on this,despite the fact that u want to couch the same problem with different words and angles…..

Background and Upbringing shapes most people.If u wanna know about them,ask simple qstions…

where is ur mum,where is ur dad,who u grew up with,what do they do for living,how many are u in ur fam,where are ur siblings,what do they do,married etc….

If the answers are not coming clean on these simple questions..u got a problem..Often times,the writing is on the wall but u ignore the signs coz hes looking fly and hes cute,handsome or shes pretty as hell and ur pants are playing havoc wit u!

Dont try to re-invent the wheel here..as u sitting down choping on some good steak and what not,u are going to glean a lot about who this semeengly mysterious character is by learning about pple around her/him and not necesarrily asking that person directly…

Character is a subconsious trait u aquire by “osmosis” kind of way,from the pple that raised u and that u associated with,growing up.
What shapes the direction u take,career wise, are pple who motivated u to take the route u embarked on,in ur educational course and navigate the direction u took.

People are easy to discern but we make it seem complicated coz its sexxy.

Good morning pple!

Beautiful ♥ spoke with DaCl about the feelings thing. We agreed friendship comes 1st!

January 26th, 2010
10:27 am

@DK
there you go again! will you stop! i was referring to the topic of asset or liability. we have touched on this in the past on here. goodness!

SlimOne...just call me Nicety!

January 26th, 2010
10:27 am

I appreciate those answers. Another question for the men…when getting to learn a female you are dating/interested in…how OPEN do you really want her to be?
As you regular bloggers know about me is that i’m pretty open. I don’t necessarily make excuses for what I’ve done in the past because no one is perfect and it’s called growth. But I wonder if there is a fine line between being open/honest and being TOO open/honest???

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 26th, 2010
10:28 am

@INFAMOUS

I definately think guy’s should listen more. Especially when you first meet a woman. That’s really the most honesty you will get in the dating sector because after that, they will kind of start trying to hide who they really are. JMO

Raqi

January 26th, 2010
10:30 am

Dan, I kinda agree and I kinda don’t. My marido has stated before that he does not me to be his potnah but his partner. He is cool watching the game alone and he is cool watching with his friends. It’s not a must do for me. However, I do think the times that I sit in room with him maybe reading a magazine or working on my notebook while he watches the game or whatever can count for us spending that time together.

He has said many times when discussing this type of stuff that he likes that women are the opposite of men. He likes the softness that I give to his roughness. It creates balance.

He has “drinking” and “smoking” buddies. He doesn’t need me for that. He needs me to be a woman to his man. I am emotional. I am nuturing. I am supportive.

This doesn’t mean we don’t do things together. We enjoy doing things together all the time. However I am his woman and he is my man. We balance each other.

Even when we don’t agree. LOL

THE INFAMOUS DK aka THE KING

January 26th, 2010
10:32 am

Beaut – for you I just want you to listen because I can sense you have a good heart. You deserve a little more than you seek but again its your life. I never seek to attack you. just give you jewels you can use to make sure your heart strings get the song played that you want to hear not the one someone wants you to listen to or play.

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 26th, 2010
10:32 am

@Slim

“Too” anything is more about how it’s perceived by the recipient (or in the eye of the beholder) than by the message or messanger.

There’s no such thing as “too” anything. You are who you are and should be excepted as is; or that’s not the person for you.

Don’t be caught up in “too” anything, some folks just ain’t ready or made for who you are (you in the general sense).

SlimOne...just call me Nicety!

January 26th, 2010
10:34 am

@Melo Glad you brought this up “Background and Upbringing shapes most people” which is the reason behind my previous line of questioning. The person i’m dating threw out this line of questioning last night and after my answers would state questions wondering if the things that i’ve experienced in my life have some psychological affect whether subconsiously or whatever, on me now. I get the whole deal about background & upbringing can shape the person you become BUT it is not a diehard ruler of how you will be presently. For the things I’ve experienced, i don’t feel has made me less of a potential mate…but of course I would feel that way about myself. So he basically asked, what would I say if he told me he didn’t see me as a long-term deal?

SlimOne...just call me Nicety!

January 26th, 2010
10:37 am

@Dan A friend of mine said, “Never allow anyone else to define who you are, they will always define you too small.” :shock:

THE INFAMOUS DK aka THE KING

January 26th, 2010
10:38 am

Beauty – I just want you to get what your heart desires.. You have a good heart but because you do you often find things other than what you seek. I dont mean to attack you. I as a man can see your weaknesses thru the blog and I just try to pull your coat.. These weaknesses can be preyed upon.. They arent bad things but could be applied differently to get the dude you need.

kimmie

January 26th, 2010
10:38 am

But I wonder if there is a fine line between being open/honest and being TOO open/honest???

I’m curious about this too, Slim. I have my own theory on this and my own little unscientific study, but I want to hear HONEST answers from the men, not just what might sound good.

Melo – I agree background and upbringing shape most. I agree that men & women don’t take the time to really delve into that when getting to know someone & that can be to their detriment.

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 26th, 2010
10:38 am

@Raqi

That’s your husband.

I want to know, sometimes, that I can hang out with my girl. And if I can’t in some way, I’m good with that as long as she’s not threatened by my time away doing those things with other people.

And a big part of that is feeling threatened. If she doesn’t drink, cool. But there will be nights when I’m going out to get faded. As long as when I come home, or when next we see each other, there are no hard feelings- it’s cool.

I do agree with Mase (forgive my familiarity) about the femininity of the female gender and it’s need in my life specifically.

Beautiful ♥ spoke with DaCl about the feelings thing. We agreed friendship comes 1st!

January 26th, 2010
10:39 am

@Slim
good question! what i’ve been doing is answering their questions only (first date). i don’t add any extra info, unless asked to do so. cause i’m very open too. the man i’m getting to know is intelligent, so his questions are directed towards if there will be a 2nd date.

kimmie

January 26th, 2010
10:39 am

Don’t be caught up in “too” anything, some folks just ain’t ready or made for who you are (you in the general sense).

I like this, Dan.

THE INFAMOUS DK aka THE KING

January 26th, 2010
10:39 am

M. – Agreed.. Women need to be just as open as they expect us to be.. You see where this is going.. Do unto me..

Luvbug

January 26th, 2010
10:42 am

What of the character of the person choosing?? Two men can ask the same series of questions about a woman’s background and come to two completely different conclusions about her character. That happens almost everyday on this blog.

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 26th, 2010
10:42 am

@Slim/Kimmie

I live life on my terms. I am who I am at this point. And for good or bad my experiences have shaped that.

Am I who I will be – not likely. But as I go on my journey to whatever end, I keep that in mind in my dealings with people.

I can honestly say that I accept people for who they are. If that means they share things I might not, I’m good with that too.

Besides, y’all know how I feel about privacy. And I’ll gladly share someone else’s confidences.

SlimOne...just call me Nicety!

January 26th, 2010
10:42 am

My opinion on past and all the hooplah when make determination about that person, is how are they acting now…are they a very reflective person who is very well aware of those things being a shaping factor in their life…or those who throw caution to the wind and don’t really have a clue.