accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

It’s Your Own Fault

A  group of us met up for dinner recently at Flip Burger Boutique to catch up with each other and nosh on some food.  It didn’t take long before the topic turned to dating and sex.  (They  like to blame this on me, but I am rarely the one to bring it up).

Shauna was complaining about the fact that she was let down with how her new man “performed”.  I thought she should cut him some slack. Things could improve and he probably was just as disappointed as she was.  She said she wasn’t going to mention anything to him because she didn’t want to come across as bossy in bed.

One of the men told her  not to let it go on for too long.  If she ended up in a relationship with a man that didn’t satisfy her, it would be her own fault, not his. Of course, this sparked a debate about who was responsible for bad sex people are having.

Do you blame the people who lack bedroom skills or their partners that don’t tell them?

Of course the central argument for some was that people fake satisfaction too much to keep the peace and protect the egos. What do you think?

Should you bring up how to improve things in the bedroom when you have just started a relationship? Do you wait to see if it improves with time and umm… practice?

Happy Friday!

330 comments Add your comment

Professor

January 22nd, 2010
8:42 am

Leggs

January 22nd, 2010
8:49 am

Sorry, Professor, I was first and then Raqi. We climbed through the window this morning. Then they closed it shut on our fingers.

Professor

January 22nd, 2010
8:49 am

Happy Friday

Unfinished Business: @Dan

I did not have a chance to comment on this, but (1) The Bible (which I believe in) teaches that all good and perfect gifts comes from above. So the beautiful, smart, kind, 6 figure thumping, big mouth professor cannot stop the Almighty in blocking anything. (2) I am not looking for anything Boo the Bible (in which I believe in) states that he who finds a wife finds a good thing so I am not the hunter.

I’m saying that arbitrary things like income, status, skin tone, breast size, etc. are barriers that (like Grandma said) block your blessings.
To each his (or her) own, and I hope you find what you’re looking for.
On topic: I will write on that later.

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 22nd, 2010
8:51 am

Morning,

Being responsible for one’s own happiness is central to life and survival. Fight or flight, you’ve got to control as much as you can (accept the things you can’t and learn the difference).

So the guy has a point. A year later and she’s still not getting what she needs…whose fault would that be?

And, know your (wo)man. Know if honesty is a priority for them. If so, a frank conversation about some things should not bother a person in a relationship (unless the person had issues before).

The female friends alternative: say nothing, and then blame ‘him’ for not reading her mind?

Wonder which she’ll choose? (meaning WD, get an update if you can…)

DreamsMaterialize

January 22nd, 2010
8:56 am

Morning
Like that Silkk the Shocker joint “It Ain’t My Fault”

Actually it’s both people’s fault if the sex is bad and no one says anything. It depends on how much you actually care though. If you all aren’t serious, then it’s probably not worth the effort…push on. But really, while “Shauna” is out blabbing to the group, maybe her man wasn’t all that impressed with her performance either.

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 22nd, 2010
8:58 am

@Prof

This is perfect. Your “unfinished business” relates directly to this topic.

Yes, the Bible says that what is for you, is for you. But, “faith without works….”

Sitting around waiting on “what’s for you” would have kept the Jews in captivity. Sitting around waiting on “what’s for you”, and the apostle’s would’ve have experienced life.

Believing is great, but working (in preparation of “what’s for you”) is better. Or think of it this way; what happens when “what’s for you” is presented and you ain’t near ready to recieve it?

Leggs

January 22nd, 2010
8:58 am

Should you bring up how to improve things in the bedroom when you have just started a relationship? Do you wait to see if it improves with time and umm… practice?

Interesting. I agree with the gentleman that told your friend she shouldn’t wait too long before have a discussion with him. Communication is key in all facets of a relationship. If sexually, your mate isn’t hitting on much and you stay without ever mentioning it…it’s all on YOU and your happiness rests solely on your shoulders!

No doubt it takes time to learn the art of your SO’s body and what makes it quiver. Questions and suggestions only can help. “Mum’s the word” doesn’t work!

anonymousella

January 22nd, 2010
9:02 am

shooot, you better speak up or break up. my policy is to tell him what i like sooner rather than later — unless it’s just so hopeless i can’t stick around.

eff a bruised ego. his inability to accept constructive criticism is a personal problem. but in my experience, guys won’t mind if the instructions are delivered properly (do without anger and deliver the instruction in the moment). trust, i have no problem telling The Intended to move a centimeter to the left if it means i reach my destination sooner rather than later.

Raqi

January 22nd, 2010
9:04 am

If you are not getting what you need you need to speak up. It’s not a person’s fault for missing the bullseye if they don’t even know they are not hitting the mark.

Just because we are born with the parts doesn’t mean we know right off the bat how to properly use them. Not to mention every one is different.

If you are grown enough to be doing the deed you should be grown up enough to communicate with the one you are doing it with as to what your needs are.

DreamsMaterialize

January 22nd, 2010
9:05 am

Dan
I need to write a book called “A Proactive Approach to Happiness”. People say they take responsibility for their happiness, but their actions (inactions) often say otherwise. If there’s something that you think would make you happy, then you have to be assertive in pursuing it. If the O’s make you happy, then you need to do what it takes in your relationship to make that happen. I know I do. lol

Cemeeli

January 22nd, 2010
9:07 am

…morning…

people fake satisfaction too much to keep the peace and protect the egos. What do you think?

Funny as heck!

Well there is no need to protect someone’s ego and fake it just to later have a sub par sex life – NO!….I am not about to disappoint my cakes nor am I into coddling his ego.

Auh, don’t we know our preferences? And we’re grown? Say something!

Raqi

January 22nd, 2010
9:09 am

Dan, I agree that we have to be responsible for our own happiness but dude if I am allowing you to strum my lady parts it’s because I am looking to get pleasure from it by you. I don’t need you if I still have to make myself “happy”. Hell if that’s the case I can leave you out of the picture and do it myself from the jump.

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 22nd, 2010
9:09 am

@Dreams

I’ll help you write it (or offer some interesting research).

mytw♥cents

January 22nd, 2010
9:10 am

WISEY Did you guys ask “Shauna” why she’s more comfotrtable discussing this with y’all than Tactfully discusing it with him? I think we’re responsible for communicating pathways to our own pleasure. Playful exploration aside, it shouldn’t be 100% guesswork for the dude. But .02 Theory #457 is that some women are willing to have relations with men they’re not really comfortable with for various reasons. And then she wouldn’t want to make it even more awkward… But also, since he’s a grown azz man, methinks he should be listening more to her body. It’s probably tellin’ him more than she is.

PROFESSOR See, despite what SWIZZIE would have you believe, it’s quite anti~climatic and now you feel like “Shauna.” Maybe she should just hold up the evil emoticon after the sessions?

Leggs

January 22nd, 2010
9:14 am

@Professor, sorry, technically, you are the first!

Cemeeli

January 22nd, 2010
9:14 am

since he’s a grown azz man, methinks he should be listening more to her body. It’s probably tellin’ him more than she is.

Love her.

Raqi

January 22nd, 2010
9:14 am

Sorry Dan, after reading your entire comment I see that I may have spoken off base. I am a bit frigid this morning.

Yes if you don’t speak up then you cannot blame the other person for your state of unsatisfaction. No one is a mind reader. Although some guys think they know what a woman wants and/or needs even as she tells him differently.

Willie Dynamite

January 22nd, 2010
9:15 am

Morning All,

At least today we get permission to jump off Freaky Friday.

On Topic – Dare I say it wouldn’t even be a relationship if it aint hitting right. Yeah we can practice a lil bit but at some point fast I better be seeing that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. This all goes back to communication. If you are comfortable enough to have sex how can you not be comfortable enough to discuss what does/doesn’t please you. Shame on you if its not good and you keep ya mouth shut. I’ll be honest with you and if its me then tell me. I’m grown I can handle it. Heyal Babe Ruth didn’t hit a HomeRun every time. I think we can all see potential but if its bad its bad.

What I have a problem with is ol girl jawjacking to the group and then what happens when they meet dude? Everybody gonna be looking all sideways at him snickering and isht.

Raqi

January 22nd, 2010
9:16 am

Yeah Cemeeli. Sub par will probably lead to resentment and some other really bad situations.

Leggs

January 22nd, 2010
9:16 am

Seems like everyone is saying the same thing!

Cemeeli

January 22nd, 2010
9:18 am

since he’s a grown azz man, methinks he should be listening more to her body. It’s probably tellin’ him more than she is.

Needed to be in bold.

…uhmmm, time for my serving of i or 2 krispy kremes..kick my legs up today.

:wink: Mytwo

Cemeeli

January 22nd, 2010
9:20 am

@Raqi – You and i are on the same page. Cain’t have a man playing pit-pat in the bedroom and i’on say nothing.

Leggs

January 22nd, 2010
9:22 am

Raqi you are funny!

Raqi

January 22nd, 2010
9:23 am

since he’s a grown azz man, methinks he should be listening more to her body. It’s probably tellin’ him more than she is.

TwoLincolns, I agree but you have to factor in the inexperienced. I cannot listen for the call of an Albatross if I don’t know what one sounds like. If given a slight description then yeah the person can have and idea.

Raqi

January 22nd, 2010
9:26 am

The best conversation the marido and I had at the start of our relationship was him telling me that if he ever does or start to do anything that I don’t like or want just say so or push his hand, head or whatever away. He will not be offended. That’s a man for ya.

PRINCESSNIK

January 22nd, 2010
9:27 am

Morning,

Definately speak up if you are not being satisfied, try giving a little direction, or taking charge and showing He/she what you like. This also goes back to the side conversation yesterday about Libido, make sure ya’ll can keep up with each other.

Raqi

January 22nd, 2010
9:32 am

Cemeeli, I have blue button however a promise. sobbing

I think imma go have myself a cup of coffee. A very strong cup.

That dang m-i-l, even in her death she wreaks havoc

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 22nd, 2010
9:35 am

@My2

Babygirl, how am I to know what your body is telling me, when you mind is somewhere else. Autonomic (automatic) responses aside, if you ain’t aligned – tell me how to help. isallimsaying

@Raqi

Telling me to turn left when I’m heading right is fine by me. We supposed to be in this together. I feel a certain responsibility for making the event pleasurable for you, but if you can’t (or won’t) offer some guidance, then what am I to do?

Topic: and the telling the friends before telling the guy is so lame it’s ridiculous. If “shauna” is over 18, she’s really immature.

mytw♥cents

January 22nd, 2010
9:36 am

Damned italics…

DAN So none of your Jewish friends are having great sex?

DREAMS Stop actin’ up over there. I see you… inviting the ladies over for Show n Tell.

ELLA Now I ain’t tryna create a Power Point presentation or anything. You sound like you handing out pamphlets, girl! Hahaaaa!!!

CEEEEEEEEE Lemme find out you gots a Tiger who understands ya body language. Plannin’ the shower again!

DreamsMaterialize

January 22nd, 2010
9:41 am

Everybody gonna be looking all sideways at him snickering and isht.
EXACTLY. On some ish that might not even be true. Maybe her ish was wack.

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 22nd, 2010
9:42 am

@My2

How can I read your body, when it’s not in line with your mind?

Autonomic responses aside, we both need to be engaged to make the session memorable.

@Raqi

A man has no problem servicing his woman’s every need/desire….if (s)he knows what they are.

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 22nd, 2010
9:43 am

Oh, and the telling of issue to the friends before telling the man involved is so 8th grade that “Shauna” should get detention.

DreamsMaterialize

January 22nd, 2010
9:46 am

I see you…
mytwo I wasn’t hiding. Like Mystikal said, “Here I go!” But since you were the first to speak on it, you can be the first one I “Show”. ;-)

Cemeeli

January 22nd, 2010
9:46 am

call of an Albatross????….Mayne, can he get her to call her own dang name?

I ain’t playin with this today.

Cemeeli

January 22nd, 2010
9:47 am

@WillieD – And see that some jacked up mess…you all having pow-wows about what your man have or don’t have, can and cain’t.

HUSH!!!

Leggs

January 22nd, 2010
9:49 am

No need to sob, Raqi…heck I would have a river outside my home!

Willie Dynamite

January 22nd, 2010
9:51 am

Ladies – honestly it takes a min (read;years,age,exp) for a Man to understand that Body Lanuage. Every women has a different dialect. For us slightly older gents most of us can speak and translate then throw in a lil slang. Just be open and tell us. If we hard heads and just dont listen then keep it moving. On the flip side all yall cant hula hoop and all yall wasnt born with the arch in ya back. jus saying.

East Point's Own

January 22nd, 2010
9:58 am

I thought we all agreed that there should be no sex before marriage…. LoL
http://hispointofview.com

East Point's Own

January 22nd, 2010
9:59 am

“I give in to sin, because I like to practice what I preach”

Raqi

January 22nd, 2010
10:00 am

But Leggs you don’t understand. The build up that leads to nothing because he has to break to go deal with some stuff his late m created and didn’t let them know. Sorta like a comedian coming on stage to tell a joke just to get you ready to hear it and then walks off stage.

Can I talk to you for a minute? I tried talking to my bff but she LOL on me. Imma vent since I can’t exhale. LOL

Cemeeli

January 22nd, 2010
10:01 am

Blue button?

I’m having some kind of sugar rush….What’ blue button, Raqi?

@ Leggs – My niece runs her first Track meet Saturday.

this will be an eventful w/e.

Cemeeli

January 22nd, 2010
10:07 am

I thought we all agreed that there should be no sex before marriage.

@ East Pernt – Raqi and Willie are married. They have the some of the best pointers…and then it’s just grown folk conversations. Even though Leggs ain’t gettin none…she ain’t mad at it.

lol…whoooaaaa gotta laugh.

Leggs – Don’t spank me….no need, you can say the same to me.

Leggs

January 22nd, 2010
10:07 am

@Raqi ~ I really would like to come over there and choke you. You got me laughing really loud over here all the while SMDH!!!! You got jokes this morning! Everything is relative, girly! Be thankful you at least got that promise! Still laughing…..

@Cee ~ awww that’s sweet. Remember, track meets are long. Take pictures for photo album with her track number on her chest. Tell her try not to be nervous. What event is she running?

SexyCool - Still Feeling Good

January 22nd, 2010
10:07 am

I love talking about sex, thinking about sex, planning for sex, having sex, remembering sex.

Wondering – Do I have something in common with Eric Benet? :)

Raqi

January 22nd, 2010
10:07 am

Cemeeli, you know, Blue. Button. One. The one button. You know…Like blue balls but “button”.

I think I still may have Nyquil in my system. LOL And then I am drinking a very strong cup of black coffee.

Leggs

January 22nd, 2010
10:11 am

Hell, I have better things in life to get mad over…and that’s not one of them.

You’re right, Cee I’m gonna keep on laughing…it helps me stay young and leaves no room for bitterness! I’m so :cool: it ain’t funny!

Sassy Me....Exhaling :-)

January 22nd, 2010
10:12 am

Do you blame the people who lack bedroom skills or their partners that don’t tell them?

Fortunately I’ve only been in that situation once and it was with the boy toy I had in college….he was only 20 at the time so I knew there would be a learning curve he’d need help navigating…plus he took instruction VERY well and was always eager to
learn/please.

Of course the central argument for some was that people fake satisfaction too much to keep the peace and protect the egos. What do you think? I don’t know ’bout the rest of y’all but I work too hard for mines to fake it…ego my a**.

Should you bring up how to improve things in the bedroom when you have just started a relationship? Do you wait to see if it improves with time and umm… practice?

This could go either way but I think it depends on the <emway you go about suggesting said improvements…if there’s no tact then of course there may be some bruised feelings/egos. That being said, if you decide to patiently wait it out until both parties are more comfortable then that could possibly work out as well. The modus operandi would probably be determined by the nature of the relationship..i.e is this some random booty or is this sumthing that’s being cultivated into sumthing serious.

Sidenote: I hurt my neck and can’t rememer how….

Cemeeli

January 22nd, 2010
10:13 am

@ Leggs – My sis lives on the eastside, her meet is at Salem High.

junior kids…it’s not a “real” league. I don’t think.

Leggs

January 22nd, 2010
10:17 am

@SexyC ~ are you percolating over there? Please join Raqi in the blue room!

SexyCool - Still Feeling Good

January 22nd, 2010
10:17 am

Hell, I think that the fact that TheDude and I are so in tune sexually is one of the reasons I walk around in the daytime with a flashlight so I can look for his ass. (teasing)

But…..ooooooolawdgeezus…he can get it whenever, wherever, however – three times.