accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Met The One, Now What?

I haven’t been dating just for kicks and giggles.  The good and bad (and traumatizing) experiences are all a part of meeting the one person that is truly right for me.  When Mr. Right For Me shows up, I pretty much just have one main goal: don’t screw it up.  Of course, it’s way more complicated than that.  There will be compromise and loads of patience (patience mostly on his part) and actual work that would be involved.

A lot of us aren’t ready for love, even though we think we are.  How do you know for sure that you are? If you met the person you think is meant for you, are you prepared to do the work? It won’t always be sunshine and rainbows, so as New Edition used to sing, Can You Stand the Rain? Sounds cheesy, but it’s the truth.  We are so used to bailing out when things don’t work for us, how are we working now to make sure we can make a relationship last?

Do you think there are things we can do while we are single to prepare us for a relationship? What about marriage?

When you meet someone who you feel that you could have a future with, what should you do to let them know?

300 comments Add your comment

IDK..part 2

January 20th, 2010
2:42 pm

Raqi good point. I do think every aspect of our life is pre-determined but us being human and given the freedom of ‘choice’ , WE kinda mess of the master plan! However To each his own. I hope for love and happiness truly..for all.

I am whatever you say I am

January 20th, 2010
2:44 pm

SexyCool: things that moved to fast: exchanging of keys to each other’s places, talking about marriage and the future, sorta planning how our wedding would be, etc….also the fact that he practically lived in my house and was barely at his. I enjoyed the company very much but in the back of my mind I was wondering is this too much too soon.
The marriage talk was initiated by him but I quess he kinda scared himself a bit.

IDK..part 2

January 20th, 2010
2:44 pm

for real…lol. ok i hear ya!

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

January 20th, 2010
2:50 pm

Hey WD and all from 5000 thousand skymiles away (and needing a dayum heavy coat).

I only read the first two or three comments but 100% agree with Dan…between relationships take the down time to FIX YOURSELf. When I say that, I mean get whole emotionally. Accept the failures and the successes as Thomas Edison did, that each one taught you a little more about how to amke the “light come on”. Fixing oneself is not trying to cure your bad points it is taking a tally of your greatest strengths as well as your greatest weaknesses, and accepting the beauty that all of us have at least some of…and play that hand.

First step outside of yourself and imagine being the person you think you would want. Then ask yourself, okay I am now him or her for awhile, what would I be looking closest for in my so-called soulmate? BE SPECIFIC…don’t say the normal vague slop like “good heart”, “good looks” , tall short midget, what ever…DEFINE each one. Okay, you decide that person would want a “good heart”…what specific thingw would he/she be looking for that would PROVE you have that “good heart”? How would a “good heart” be demonstrated in someone.

When you have identified as many SPECIFIC things a soulmate would look for, take a brutally honest assessment of those. How many are you rich in, how many are you some of, how many are you not at all? Then decide which of those you CAN change, which you don’t WANT to change, And finally how many you have NO CONTROL over. For example, I will never have a reproductive organ like John Holmes did…it is what it is…do I have a heart, yes one can see it in how I treat people when I don’t have to be good, will I ever be tall, not unless I spend some quality time on the “Rack” in the Tower of London, Do I like to have fun and show it, absolutely.

My points are, choose what would be YOUR choice, ask what he/she would want, decide how much of that you match and correct the things you can, and change your gunsights toward what you MIGHT like that would LIKE the you that you are or will be.

Last of all, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF…because if you won’t, no one else will.

Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life

January 20th, 2010
2:51 pm

I honestly believe that there are many that have been with the one and ruined it. But that doesn’t mean you can’t make it work with another. It’s all about making a choice.

The One’s crap don’t smell no more rosier than any other.

I am lead to say that the one is not the one you are supposed to be with, but it’s the one you choose to be with.

My mother told me before she passed that Mason is the one I was supposed to be with all along. Not taking anything from what she believed, I still know that it’s a choice that we both make every day. When the disagreements get a little heated, we choose to not let it ruin the good that we have.

SexyCool

January 20th, 2010
2:51 pm

But…if he was The One…how was it too soon?

or…

Did you realize he was The One AFTER you’d pulled back and broke things off?

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
2:54 pm

My mother told me before she passed that Mason is the one I was supposed to be with all along. Not taking anything from what she believed, I still know that it’s a choice that we both make every day. When the disagreements get a little heated, we choose to not let it ruin the good that we have.

Amen Raqi and God Bless!!!! Great Blog Peeps!!! Peace Out!:)

kimmie

January 20th, 2010
2:55 pm

I am – Sounds like you guys kind of crashed & burned earlier. But it also seems like he really likes you. It could be like Leggs said or he could genuinely want a do-over. Maybe now you both can relax and just take it easy and truly date & get to know each other at a more realistic pace. You both have come up for air. Don’t read a lot into it, but just chill and see how things play out.

I don’t pay any attention at all to dudes that do the premature marriage talk. Sometimes they could be testing you, sometimes they may really think you’re the one and scare themselves. Everything in due time.

Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life

January 20th, 2010
2:55 pm

Kimmie, are you disappointed because it was not what you were wanting to hear? Or was it because it was “bad” advice?

The thing about advice is it is sometimes just a person’s opinion. There is a high failure rate that can be attached to following after opinions. And there is the matter of not all men and women are the same. When I take advice from my friend I try to keep in mind that her husband and my husband are not the same. So instead of taking 100% of what she says at all times, I have to make the proper adjustments for my situations at home.

Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life

January 20th, 2010
2:59 pm

I am whatever, sometimes we just need to grow a little to be able to handle what is before us. I believe in do-overs.

kimmie

January 20th, 2010
2:59 pm

Raqi – I can take the brutal, no-sugarcoat truth. This was horrible advice from my friend and I was surprised coming from her. The other friend made some comments to my SO and in front of his daughter that made us all uncomfortable. I had to set her straight.

You are so right though, that you have to keep in mind that everyone has an opinion and often it’s based on their own situation or experiences.

DreamsMaterialize

January 20th, 2010
2:59 pm

Here’s the thing about advice…most people have already made up in their minds what advice they want to hear. So, they generally call on people they know will agree with them, especially if they KNOW they’re wrong. Lots of times people don’t really want advice, they want a vent session.

Leggs

January 20th, 2010
3:02 pm

“…souls find and bond to each other for so many reasons. my husband was my soulmate when i had the soul of an impressionable child.” That’s it right there…if supposedly soulmates aren’t maturing together, one will lose interest over time and will strive to find another “soulmate” that hear the same roar of the ocean (so to speak).

Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life

January 20th, 2010
3:02 pm

The one thing that is more important than knowing the person you take advice from is knowing the person you are going to exercise the advice with.

Just because your mate may jump at the sound of a whip, mine may take that whip and hang me with it.

For Real

January 20th, 2010
3:03 pm

Raqi: I agree most people believe the “ONE” means no work and they are setting themselves up for failure. Kinda like:

The One = 20 things you have to work at to make successful

Not the One = 614 things you have to work at to make successful

Common Denominator = You have to WORK in order to make any relationship successful. There are no magical symbols, keys or cudda kats.

czBrat

January 20th, 2010
3:03 pm

So, they generally call on people they know will agree with them, especially if they KNOW they’re wrong. yep. and when you take that step that you’d been wanting to take anyway, you feel justified because a “good friend” agreed with you.

czBrat

January 20th, 2010
3:05 pm

ok, For Real, i give. NOW you’ve got me laughing :lol: :lol:

SexyCool

January 20th, 2010
3:06 pm

Oh…and to add to something I said earlier about giving 100% regardless of my partner’s contribution. I do believe that sometimes, in some situations, it is helpful “hold up a mirror” to show your person what they may not be able to see from their window on the relationship.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

January 20th, 2010
3:06 pm

Regarding advice…be careful to try to never take advice from someone that is speaking through their own pain. I used to belong to a mens group that all of the men were divorced. It really bothered me when I would hear one giving advice to someone else in the group when it was obvious that he was still angry/pi$$ed/bitter…you could always tell he was trying to transpose his experiences on to the other guy. People like that often speak in generalities, saying things like “all women…(fill in the blank) or “all men…(fill in the blank). Every case is different and discussing one’s “experiences” is one thing, giving deeply personal advice is something else entirely.

SexyCool

January 20th, 2010
3:09 pm

But in “holding up the mirror”, beware of the Law of Unintended Consequences.

Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life

January 20th, 2010
3:11 pm

DreamsMat, correct. A lot of time people are just wanting validation or justification for a decision that have already made. That’s why some of the best advice is when the person tells you that you are wrong.

And yes we sometimes are not looking for advice or justification, just the need to vent to a listening ear. I have told my friend before that I wasn’t looking for an answer from her, I just needed someone to talk to .

The very best advice I have received in my marriage came from my father. He said “Obey the marriage”. That advice is strictly unbiased. He didn’t hear my side nor the hubby’s. Just obey the marriage.

Melo

January 20th, 2010
3:11 pm

also the fact that he practically lived in my house and was barely at his.

I hear u females talking about this a lot….HIM living in ur(females) house??

How come uall neva go to live that much in his(them guys)??

This is where u get caught..ur possesiveness makes u get got..let him be free,let him be about..if he comes back to u on the regular,have the guts to let him leave and sleep at his..and u hook up by 4ne in the merning..
Uall must learn to smash,luv him but not be all entangled and bamboozled in the head.

Sex will neva make me lose my mind! :lol:

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

January 20th, 2010
3:13 pm

“Law of Unintended Consequences.”

I like that. One of the questions in eHarmony is “what is the one thing, other than love, that you have noticed in successful relationships”. For me the answer is “respect”. Perhaps one should think about how to “hold up the mirror” as respectfully? Not advice, just a thought ;-)

Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life

January 20th, 2010
3:14 pm

ForReal I agree.

Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life

January 20th, 2010
3:15 pm

SexyCool, sometimes you have serve them a plate of their crap for dinner…

Luvbug

January 20th, 2010
3:15 pm

The ONE does not mean soulmate? Now I’m all confused. Melo, at this point I think your princess analogy must include the guys too.

czBrat

January 20th, 2010
3:16 pm

good hanging out with yous again. gotta get back to the books. :(

ciao!

SexyCool

January 20th, 2010
3:17 pm

Exactly, Raqi.

Luvbug

January 20th, 2010
3:17 pm

“ONEeses” – hilarious…still reading posts…I’m sure there is some explanation further down

Willie Dynamite

January 20th, 2010
3:18 pm

Wow, after 3pm and still on-topic. After reading a few posts and some of the debate it seems as though some self reflecting is going on. Always a good thing.

Cemeeli

January 20th, 2010
3:20 pm

good day blog….

@Melo – I couldn’t agree with that 3:11 post more.

“luv him but not be all entangled and bamboozled in the head.” i cain’t help but laugh…i know what your saying.

as far as the topic: i work hard all the time. all my life. no sweat putting in for our relationship.

continue on…

For Real

January 20th, 2010
3:20 pm

For those taking advice: Take it from people that DO NOT stand to gain anything from you for taking it. Remember, people are selfish by nature especially those close to you.

For those giving advice: Give it with a clenched fist. That way you will scare off the “amen advice seekers” and those that do come back for more know what to expect you.

Sex Cool: Yeah and you should make dayum sure you are giving 100% before you hold that mirror up to somebody else.

Cemeeli

January 20th, 2010
3:21 pm

@WillieD – What up? Lol at the “peep” the other day.

SexyCool

January 20th, 2010
3:21 pm

I do agree, For Real.

Poppa Grande

January 20th, 2010
3:21 pm

Good Afternoon, Blog peeps

I don’t know why but this following sentence in Wise’s initial post kinda stuck out to me.

When Mr. Right For Me shows up, I pretty much just have one main goal: don’t screw it up.

I may be wrong, but it sure sounds what we used to call in football as “playing not to lose.” “Playing not to lose” is not the same as “playing to win.”

As for prep, you should live, learn and love. You better believe that change continues even after marriage and the process will continue. My advice to my friends that ask me similar questions is always as follows: Know,have, and follow your core principles. That way you can always look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of yourself. That will be true no matter if your relationship blossoms into a lifelong relationship or not.

Leggs

January 20th, 2010
3:23 pm

@RandyT ~ prime example of “misery loves company.” One must stay clear of bitter folk even in a group therapy session.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

January 20th, 2010
3:24 pm

One last thought…as my first relationship after my divorce stated, “if it is not right for one, it is not right for either”. Don’t beat yourself up too much about the “near misses”, just back away, do a reassessment of your assets, and then put yourself back out there…and be the type of person you would want to attract.

Willie Dynamite

January 20th, 2010
3:25 pm

Similac – whats good withcha? You straight?

Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life

January 20th, 2010
3:25 pm

Leggs, I was thinking the same thing. Sometimes people hurt and want others to hurt with them. Or like them.

And sometimes people…nevermind.

Luvbug

January 20th, 2010
3:27 pm

Okay – all read up (kind of)…yall lost me at soulmate and The ONE has completely thrown me over the edge…can’t compute either.

So is the consensus that you only get one shot at THE ONE?

Cemeeli

January 20th, 2010
3:27 pm

@WillieD – Mayne I am skrait! lol…Hope yours are well.

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 20th, 2010
3:29 pm

@PG

My thoughts exactly….

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

January 20th, 2010
3:30 pm

@Leggs …yup, they will bring YOU down.

Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life

January 20th, 2010
3:32 pm

Luvbug, no. The one is the one that you choose to be Your One.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

January 20th, 2010
3:33 pm

Question…since I am a very long way away from Fox…how did my man Jack Bauer do Sunday (without giving away the plot ;-) ???

Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life

January 20th, 2010
3:33 pm

Hoooowever, back to last week’s topic there has to be a spark there. Has to be some chemistry.

SexyCool

January 20th, 2010
3:36 pm

And it really, really helps if The One chooses you back.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a guy…Yeah, I’m still tearing up at that one…

Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life

January 20th, 2010
3:39 pm

But I do believe that many cultures have found the way to make the arranged marriages work. And that way would be through acceptance. Accepting the person with no other choice but to work it out.

I wonder is that why the divorce rates and turnarounds are so high here in America. We have too many choices. In many countries the parents choose the mates for the children and those children accept it and learn to love each other.

There are instances where some rebel, but that’s every where. But in a culture where you know your mate is going to be chosen for you and it is the way of the land, I would imagine their minds are conditioned to accept it and find happiness with it.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

January 20th, 2010
3:39 pm

@SexyCool re:I’m just a girl standing in front of a guy… I love that movie, in London a couple of years ago and went to Notting Hill…great place.

Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life

January 20th, 2010
3:41 pm

And it really, really helps if The One chooses you back

SexyCool yeah. Make sure the one you are looking for is looking for one like you.