Met The One, Now What?
I haven’t been dating just for kicks and giggles. The good and bad (and traumatizing) experiences are all a part of meeting the one person that is truly right for me. When Mr. Right For Me shows up, I pretty much just have one main goal: don’t screw it up. Of course, it’s way more complicated than that. There will be compromise and loads of patience (patience mostly on his part) and actual work that would be involved.
A lot of us aren’t ready for love, even though we think we are. How do you know for sure that you are? If you met the person you think is meant for you, are you prepared to do the work? It won’t always be sunshine and rainbows, so as New Edition used to sing, Can You Stand the Rain? Sounds cheesy, but it’s the truth. We are so used to bailing out when things don’t work for us, how are we working now to make sure we can make a relationship last?
Do you think there are things we can do while we are single to prepare us for a relationship? What about marriage?
When you meet someone who you feel that you could have a future with, what should you do to let them know?
accessAtlanta Partner Sites
Sections
Advertise on accessAtlanta.com »
Reach the audience you want by advertising on accessAtlanta.com
Join the Access Atlanta Network »
Advertisers and Publishers, expand your reach by joining the Access Atlanta Network.
Tell us what you think about the site
Visitor Agreement | Privacy Statement | About our ads
© 2013 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
300 comments Add your comment
Melo
January 20th, 2010
1:19 pm
Chink? thnx for the elucidation!
(melo,with danitonitise_jawbreakernitise infection)
czBrat
January 20th, 2010
1:23 pm
Melo is right. the ugly things will rear their heads at some point in any union. i knew i was in it for keeps when i realized i COULD run when things got rough, but i didn’t. when we hit a rough spot we talk things through, we work at understanding each other. we discuss where and how we want our relatiohship to progress, and as long as we remain on the same page we’re alright.
Professor
January 20th, 2010
1:23 pm
Melo that was a funny post.
@Chink I think we have more than one soulmate, because if there is only one soulmate how can we explain and the different mommas and papas or the folks like Elizabeth Taylor 50-11 marriages.
I have loved more than once
Dan - moving away from gray and back to black
January 20th, 2010
1:28 pm
@KB
I’m not one for the loss of identity in any form, but let me put it to you like this:
In faith, you give yourself completely and totally to God (or whatever deity you choose), you allow His will (above your own) in your life.
Similarly, but not exactly, you submit your will to the “WE” of you and your partner. The “We” is more important than ego, will, want. The “we” is compromise, giving and receiving all at once.
The “we” is a beautiful thing.
But the “we” comes at a price. The price of admission is that BOTH of you have to be in it for the “we”, if you both ain’t giving it your all…it’ll never work.
The “we” is Zen. The “we” is Nirvana. The “we” is Heaven on Earth.
Chink
January 20th, 2010
1:30 pm
So is a soulmate strictly based on love?
When I think of it …it almost sounds magical something deeper than love. Almost like a bond that cannot be broken irrespective of the circumstance.
Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life
January 20th, 2010
1:37 pm
“We” is a partnership. In a partnership you consider the needs and wants of the other person in conjunction with your own. There are two entities working as one to build a more perfect union.
Leggs
January 20th, 2010
1:38 pm
I too believe you can have more than one soulmate, and I believe you can love more than one person at the same time. However, I don’t believe the same degree of love can be given to both individuals.
Professor
January 20th, 2010
1:38 pm
Chink that is what is sound like, but I have to believe it is more than one person, because of what I said.
Soulmates are that magical, mystical love that often seems like a fairytale or Cinderalla, to me…I can speak on love, but I am not qualified to speak on two souls merging and making each other better because they love each other with everything they have and are…yep that is outside of Ol’ Professor’s realm
Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life
January 20th, 2010
1:42 pm
Chink, I don’t feel that soulmates necessarily relate to an romantic type of love relationship however I do believe that is where most feel that they find their’s.
I always used the term of “to get me, you have to get me” and feel that only a true soulmate can truly get me. That’s why I feel that I found my soulmate in my husband. He truly gets me.
Leggs
January 20th, 2010
1:46 pm
You’re absolutely right, Raqi. And, in that “WE” when considering the needs and wants of your partner, you sometimes will find yourself compromising and his/her needs supercedes yours. It’s all part of the relationship. Everyone needs/wants are not always met. It’s like a tightrope, someone need’s/wants will have to teeter a little longer and picked up at a later time. Let me rephrase that…I think everyone’s “needs” should be met in the relationship, and the “wants” tabled for further discussion!
Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life
January 20th, 2010
1:46 pm
There is a such thing as having a twin soul that is different from soulmates. I had friend mention twin souls once. I will have to read up on “twin souls”.
SexyCool
January 20th, 2010
1:47 pm
Okay…yeah…twin souls…I think I like that terminology better.
Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!
January 20th, 2010
1:51 pm
why are folk advertising on FB Atlanta is the gayest city in ammerica….my mis adventures in atlanta I don’t believe is bc of homosexuality or the lack of good men out there….there is someone for everyone gay or straight….samething with that why am I successful and single video that went out….just non sense chatter….
Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life
January 20th, 2010
1:51 pm
Leggs, as long as this / and this \ find it’s way back to this = it’s a good relationship. If it never balances out there is too much of something in the relationship. Too needy. Too accomodating. Too selfish. Too docile.
I am whatever you say I am
January 20th, 2010
1:52 pm
I thought I met the one but I’m not sure. We met over the summer and everything appeared perfect. The relationship ended mainly because I feel we moved way to fast.
So here’s a question for you all. I’m more interested in what the men have to say however.
The last time I saw my ex was in Oct few weeks after we broke up (we hooked up, don’t judge me)
Since then we would text back and forth but only a rare occasion and it was him wishing me a happy birthday or me just saying hi asking him how he’s doing and sending well wishes.
Last Friday, he asked me to hang out with him and his cousin that was flying in from NY. Question if we are broken up, why did he want me to meet his counsin? His exact words were, ” My cousin is in town and I would like for you to meet her”
I hung out and had a blast and he’s sort of kept in touch more often.
He invited me over yesterday and I hung out for awhile and today he is coming over to fix the leak in my bathtub. He fixed it for me before New Years and he’s coming back to fix again when I had only asked if I could borrow his tools . He stepped up and said he would fix.
So question, are we just friends or could we end up back together? I’m not ready to ask him this question now because I don’t want to scare him off. Learning from our mistake, whatever happens I will move very slowly, take my time, and no questions about the future.
Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!
January 20th, 2010
1:54 pm
FWB convience and not ready to let go totally
M. (pronouced M dot)
January 20th, 2010
1:55 pm
@Raqi
@Leggs
Interesting points ladies. Also I am playing some Chaka Kahn (Ain’t Nobody) for yall on a wednesday.
“And, in that “WE” when considering the needs and wants of your partner,”
What do you all think about people (especially women) with friends who intentionally or unintentionally give you advice on dealing with your men? How much emphasis do you place on this? I asked because sometimes people come off as individualistic thinkers but take into account alot of what thier female friends say. Even the single ones.
You guys all had that friend that gives their opinoins no matter what.
Thoughts?
My question is
Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life
January 20th, 2010
1:57 pm
Yeah, SexyCool. While I do believe I only have one soulmate, that soulmate could very well be my twin soul. I will have to do some research on that being that I don’t know exactly what twin soul means.
I am whatever you say I am
January 20th, 2010
1:57 pm
@ Lady J-Quest for Staying Power! : haven’t had FWB except for that one time in Oct. -Like I said, don’t judge me.
I don’t have any intentions of doing the do but if he wants FWB, why would he take the time to introduce me to his family and help me with house repairs if FWB won’t happen on my part?
Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!
January 20th, 2010
2:00 pm
M. I learned the hard way to not ask or tell my business to my girlfriends…their advice is a doorway in for the most part…I just really learned family and friends can’t be apart of the equation and if I practice that dating the second time around in marriage I won’t feel compelled to have close family memebers and friends dictate my relationship…especially when they don’t have one….
I am whatever you say I am
January 20th, 2010
2:01 pm
at Lady: just had a thought does FWB and not ready to let go completly kinda equal a relationship? LOL
Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!
January 20th, 2010
2:02 pm
not judging bc I was in the same set up to asking questions when I knew what is was what I wanted and whatis wasn’t to each its own….no pun intended….and i met family members with my former FWB person too but it never developed into an exclusive relationship but yours may just my thoughts on a blog…you know truly what your dealing with and handle it accordingly….why so defensive?
SexyCool
January 20th, 2010
2:03 pm
If you thought he was The One, what about the relationship was too fast?
Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life
January 20th, 2010
2:03 pm
Mdot, first of all, just because a person gives you their opinion does not mean you have to accept it. It’s just their opinion. Secondly, it depends on the person that is giving it. How experienced are they in the matter they are advising you on.
And third, there is nothing wrong with seeking advise from an outside source. Yet, that still does not mean you have accept that advice.
But all in all, so what if someone intentionally or unintentionally gives you advice? You have to make your own decision based on what’s good for you. And be willing to live with the outcome of whatever it is you do.
Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!
January 20th, 2010
2:04 pm
heck no it don’t equal no relationship…i dealt with that mind game for 3 years and i can’t play that role no more….it wore both of us out….we were both divorcee rebounds….it is whatit is….
For Real
January 20th, 2010
2:06 pm
All this talk about “We” got me feeling, feeling….. like singing an old negro spiritual! Look it ain’t rocket science people. Fix yourself to be the type of person you want.
Soulmates: You can have 10 soulmates (male or female) but you will only have one, “ONE”. Stop confusing the two! That’s why so many of you have past over your “ONE” looking for a soulmate. Oh and another thang, STOP trusting you heart, even the bible tells you not to trust it. Your mind is the most powerful thing on this planet and it’s God’s greatest gift to you. Why some people relent to their heart is beyond me, especially when it has been wrong 50-11 times. Like my mom used to say Look with yoru eyes, listen with your ears and speak with mouth.
Donjarea: “So question, are we just friends or could we end up back together?” – FRIENDS!!! Let it go if it’s true it will return on it’s own. Free, free set them free!!
Leggs
January 20th, 2010
2:08 pm
Enter your comments here
M. (pronouced M dot)
January 20th, 2010
2:10 pm
@Lady J-
I see what you mean as a doorway, meaning that take it with a grain of salt but not to seriously right? Women can be haters at time so they will easily throw salt in someones game at times. Not all but some. You definately need to keep your business to yourself.
That’s why when I was in high school, I never dated a girl at my school. Some females talk to much and feel their relationships need to be a group effort. Not the case.
Leggs
January 20th, 2010
2:10 pm
Dagnabit!!!! Ate a perfectly good post@!!#()#&*#)(&*
Leggs
January 20th, 2010
2:13 pm
@I am ~ I don’t think LadyJ was judging you at all. Just making an observation on the path she thinks he’s headed down. Nothing wrong with you hooking up with your ex….”familiarity” is an aphrodisiac within itself.
To offer to help you around the house could possibly be his way of having you keep your $$ in your pocket and waste on a maintenance man when he can do the job himself. Probably just being nice and helping out where he can…friends do that.
And for him wanting you to meet his cousin, he probably felt your “spirits” were evenly matched where everyone would have a good time mingling. Take it as a compliment. He thinks your good people!
Luvbug
January 20th, 2010
2:14 pm
So, Real – if a woman meets a man (her soulmate) in her 20s and he unexpectedly dies soon after (maybe 30s), will she never have another chance at a soulmate since her ONE is gone? That’s about 50 years of life left.
M. (pronouced M dot)
January 20th, 2010
2:16 pm
@For Real
I really dont agree with soul mates either.
I think that it’s about where we are in our lives, who we meet, then we make the adjustments to deal with that person. Suppose if your soulmate is in Phoenix, and you never go there? It’s all about who you meet at whatever stage in your life. If there was 1 soulmate, then we wouldnt have any divorces correct?
Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life
January 20th, 2010
2:17 pm
Mdot, I have a very good friend that has been with her husband for over 20 years. She and I confide in each other more than any of my other friends. I respect her advice a lot based on the length of time making it work with her husband and for a great part of she don’t bite her tongue when it comes to telling me I’m the wrong one at times. I also tell her when I feel she is wrong.
Nobody was born knowing all the right things to do, well at least I know that I wasn’t, so it’s okay to seek or accept what others have to say at times.
Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!
January 20th, 2010
2:17 pm
Bingo Leggs that good people stuff to this day is why we meaning my former fwb person is my friend without benfits now….Just Friends is a great movie too may I add! Thanks Leggs!
Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!
January 20th, 2010
2:17 pm
see raqi yall are equals and can do that….I was talking to folk who wanted to be where I was and i was too blind to see thinking they truly had my best interest and to this day I can’t find any of them but one! Women!
For Real
January 20th, 2010
2:22 pm
LJ: “heck no it don’t equal no relationship” – I have to disagree with you on that… There are all types of relationships, just because it’s not the one you want, that does not make it a relationship. A relationship is define as a commitment or an agreement between two or more parties or between a man and his right hand some instances.
Luvbug: There is a difference between “Soulmate” and the “One”. In your sen… cen.. sin… what you said earlier he lost his “Soulmate” and his “One” is still out there.
Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life
January 20th, 2010
2:23 pm
If there was 1 soulmate, then we wouldnt have any divorces correct?
Mdot, no, not necessarily. Just because a person may be your soulmate does not mean you will have all things in common. Your coping skills may be quite differently. And even more importantly some people would rather take the easy way out when the going gets tough. We don’t hang with it just because the person is our soul mate. We hang with it because it’s what we want to do.
Melo
January 20th, 2010
2:24 pm
So question, are we just friends or could we end up back together?
I am whatever you say I am???
gerl??
u had me rolling over here.. LOL
Luv sure is a beautiful thang! U defntely friends at this point since u interacting very nicely….if u upgrade it to regular meeting with smashing,then its now FriendsWBenefits.But thats on u.
He proly likes u since he wanted u to meet ur cousin(female?) BUT..If u want more,u gotta let him know how u feel.U can only speak of u then wait to hear what he says..ull either like it or u wont so that will be up to u to put the breaks if u dont want to be just a coochie feededer!
Now,why did u all break up,what was the reason for the break up?
This is the issue u need to address..is it still there or its gone…??
But as a man, i truly admire where ur man is at right now if he knew how u feeling for him.
Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!
January 20th, 2010
2:25 pm
for me for real i wanted more and I knew he was seeing others and so was i and we never made it to be that hot couple! Only speaking for me I said for her it could be more for her she knows what it is I don’t…
IDK..part 2
January 20th, 2010
2:25 pm
For Real…great point! the ONE is your soulmate…folks b settlin for whom THEY ‘feel’ is the one yet know in their ‘mind’ it ain right. patience is key…there is a match made for each of us and in due time we’ll find one another. dating is SO for tha birds……wait..i dnt think they want it either!
Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!
January 20th, 2010
2:28 pm
and melo you already know from past blogs he rejected the idea of wanting more and I had to come to grips with that and get over it not him me bc I was tired of the empty feelings….
czBrat
January 20th, 2010
2:29 pm
I too believe you can have more than one soulmate, and I believe you can love more than one person at the same time. However, I don’t believe the same degree of love can be given to both individuals. i know i’m waaaaaay late but … EXCELLENT!
Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life
January 20th, 2010
2:29 pm
to this day I can’t find any of them but one
Yeah LadyJ, it’s like that sometimes. It’s a weeding out process as we go. The friend that I spoke of up top I met when I was 35. She was introduced into my life at a heartwrenching time and has been a true friend ever since.
I have other friends that I trust, but they don’t have some of the experience that I look to that this one has.
Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!
January 20th, 2010
2:34 pm
I met family members, we traveled every year, movies, plays, dinner, home dates for 3 years and I always thought it was more than what it is…adults do what they want to do and until we are tired and fed up we will ride it out to the wheels fall off….I did and don’t regret it it made me wiser to know what I want and don’t want….substance, consistency, and time baby…
Raqi...I’ve got a real thing, The love of my life
January 20th, 2010
2:37 pm
Just because a person is “the one” does not mean things will be automatic. Just like them not being “the one” means it will fail. There are many arranged marriages that have worked and the two grew to love each other.
I think a misconception of many is that “the one” means putting in less work, but that is not the case. It’s all about the choice. You can easily choose a person to be the one you will be with, or you can choose to not work to be with anyone.
For Real
January 20th, 2010
2:39 pm
IDK: “the ONE is your soulmate” – No, you can many soulmates but you only get one the “ONE” or else their is no need to keep referring to the “ONE” if you can have two the “ONEeses”.
For Real now rubbing his bare feet on the carpet like Bruce Willis in Die Hard.
I am whatever you say I am
January 20th, 2010
2:39 pm
Lady J-Quest for Staying Power! Not defensive at all. Sorry for the tone
czBrat
January 20th, 2010
2:41 pm
souls find and bond to each other for so many reasons. my husband was my soulmate when i had the soul of an impressionable child. life changed us both in different ways, and our souls no longer understood one another. doesn’t mean that wasn’t real love, even if it was primarily ‘feeling’ and less ‘thinking’. now, with the soul of a more experienced and centered woman, my soul speaks to the one who understands balance. it’s a beautiful thing.
Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!
January 20th, 2010
2:42 pm
no prob chica!
kimmie
January 20th, 2010
2:42 pm
Hey Gang, happy afternoon!
Raqi, I like your posts about WE being a partnership. I think that’s one of the biggest adjustments a lot of people have to make in a relationship – now you have to consider the other person. I know it was a problem for a few of the men I dealt with in the past. They wanted to go about their merry way all the time & be selfish and do whatever at the drop of a hat without even considering me. One even told me he would start doing that when he got married, until then there was no ring on his finger. It’s gotta start well before you say I DO.
M dot – Funny you asked that question about friends & “advice”. I’m dealing with that very situation right now. Well-meaning or in one case maybe not, friends have been overstepping boundaries with me & my SO. I’ve had to politely let them know what time it is and that I’m a grown woman capable of knowing how to conduct my own relationship and know what’s best, especially at this stage in my life. I am a private person, but these folks are on the outside looking in and trying to attack like vultures!
Raqi, I was told years ago that it is good to find ONE friend whom you know has your best interest at heart and discuss any relationship questions with only that person. It’s the best advice I have been given. Problem is, I thought I had that friend and she really let me down yesterday with some of her “advice”. Oh well.