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Met The One, Now What?

I haven’t been dating just for kicks and giggles.  The good and bad (and traumatizing) experiences are all a part of meeting the one person that is truly right for me.  When Mr. Right For Me shows up, I pretty much just have one main goal: don’t screw it up.  Of course, it’s way more complicated than that.  There will be compromise and loads of patience (patience mostly on his part) and actual work that would be involved.

A lot of us aren’t ready for love, even though we think we are.  How do you know for sure that you are? If you met the person you think is meant for you, are you prepared to do the work? It won’t always be sunshine and rainbows, so as New Edition used to sing, Can You Stand the Rain? Sounds cheesy, but it’s the truth.  We are so used to bailing out when things don’t work for us, how are we working now to make sure we can make a relationship last?

Do you think there are things we can do while we are single to prepare us for a relationship? What about marriage?

When you meet someone who you feel that you could have a future with, what should you do to let them know?

300 comments Add your comment

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
8:21 am

taking notes!!!!:) Happy Hump Day!

Leggs

January 20th, 2010
8:51 am

When you meet someone who you feel that you could have a future with, what should you do to let them know? As more and more time is spent with one another, and seems like the both of us on the same page, I would simply let him know and hopefully he feels the same way. If he doesn’t, poof, no future with him.

Yes, I’m ready to do the work if he too is ready to do the work!

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 20th, 2010
8:53 am

Morning,

I think the main thing that can be done “preparing for ‘the One’” is to prepare/repair yourself.

Likely, by the time any of us is ready we’ve gone through any number of failed relationships. The damage and baggage associated with those attempts must be reconciled before beginning anew.

Questions like “what could I have done better?”, “what did I do to cause the failure?”, “how can I work on myself to prevent [it] from happening again?”

Honest self-assessment and diligence in working on oneself is the best preparation for a great relationship, IMO. Without it, we repeat the same behaviors, causing the same outcomes.

@WD – “don’t screw it up?” Really? You shouldn’t think like that.

Don’t try and avoid failure, plan for success (in all things).

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
8:58 am

We are human Dan, we make mistakes some are hard to deal with both male and female, and our past help defines our future at what point can we make it stick seriously and let go and let it work for the both of us for a successful healthy an dloving partnership???

DreamsMaterialize

January 20th, 2010
8:59 am

Morning
In the goooood times and baaaaad times, she will always…(in my Johnny Gill voice) BE RIGHT THERE FOR ME…woohooo
Suuuunny days, everybody loves them
Tell me baby, cannn you stand the rain

Ok, so everything we do (or don’t do) while we’re single prepares us for a relationship. Everything begins with self. Be what it is you are expecting from someone else. Relationships are hard work, and if you’re not ready to put in work and lay it all on the line then don’t get in one. Nothing worse than being in a relationship where your efforts aren’t being matched. Come with ya game face on or don’t show up.

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 20th, 2010
9:09 am

@Lady J

Unless you’re someone that is constantly going from one relationship to the next, the down time (the alone time) between those relationships is the time to work on self.

I believe that it’s not fair to ask someone else to help or wait while I work on me. That process should be near completion by the time I begin anew with another person. And vice versa.

After a certain age, responsibilities and how we handle them are as much a function of self as anything else. And if I accept responsibilty for my failures, and the responsibility for correcting them, then I should handle them. Not expect my partner to bear the load of the evolving me and themselves.

Not to say that there won’t be work to be done, there will; it’s just that by the time the new relationahip starts, that process should be winding down. I should only expect them to help round the edges [of who I am to become], not create the form (that’s my responsibility).

kinderbabe--for better or for worse starts now:)

January 20th, 2010
9:11 am

When you meet someone that you think could be your life’s mate, letting he/she know that you are open to the experience is the most important step. A lot of times folks give a lot of lip service but their heart is not open to the challenges and successes that love has to offer. Being in a married state of mind starts before the alter. Accepting someone for who they are wholly, not just all the peachy stuff also shows that you are about the long haul. I don’t believe in being mistreated or being dragged thru the mud. Putting time and effort into something that you want however is necessary. The gardens tended to w/the most love and attention produce the most beautiful flowers.:)

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
9:11 am

my morning bbm test was it takes 2 to make a thing go right, it takes 2 to make it out of sight…Of course back in the day I didn’t have clue about the lyrics but I heard this song back in aug coming back from my trip and the words set in on a sistah…it played again this morning so with my hump day message I attached it and it is so true about hard work and DreamsM that match has to be ther for both putting it in for the good of the two through it all!!!! What’s for me will be and even when it comes I will forever work on self for a better me and companion for my mate and family…It is what it is! Life!:)

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
9:12 am

meant text not test…and Dan you are right with that assessment! Thanks!

Mo (aka Moeisha)

January 20th, 2010
9:15 am

Morning All!

Kinderbabe – I love your post and definitely agree. Often times people want all the good and none of the bad but every relationship (EVERY relationship) has those bad moments. Why would your relationship with an SO be different just cause you love them oh so much?

So how is err’body?

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
9:20 am

yep Mo and KB we can’t run from adversity and so many failed marriages could have sustain through patience and working through it facing it head on and dealing with it processing it and making it work and moving on gracefully….I know it can work there are many successful marriages and relationships and I am claiming mine!:)

Chink

January 20th, 2010
9:41 am

I wish there was a recipe for making it work. But the word that comes to mind is “compromise”. I admit I am a spoiled brat…I like things my way. Have I met the one?? Good question sometimes I feel like I can’t live without him and sometimes I am like maybe he isn’t it..I don’t know. Another word is Risk …sometimes you have to just let the chips fall where they must and risk a broken heart.

I don’t like talking about the future the most I will talk about is a couple of months from now.. :) I let him lead the way with that stuff. I wish I was better about that but I guess I have been through too many relationships…I take the safe road I have too much to lose “my heart is way to precious”.

kinderbabe--for better or for worse starts now:)

January 20th, 2010
9:47 am

@Mo–thanks, lady.:) happily ever after comes w/a LOT of work…lol. i am doing well today. it’s hump day! can’t wait to leave work and start the 2nd part of the day.
@Lady J–you are right. sometimes we can be quick to run from adversity. it all boils down to if it’s worth it or not to you. sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. you know?

Luvbug

January 20th, 2010
9:54 am

Do you think there are things we can do while we are single to prepare us for a relationship? What about marriage?

IMO, being a good, well meaning, responsible, motivated, (insert additional) person is healthy for the spirit and body, but not a prerequisite for a marriage or long term relationship. There are countless examples of raggedy, underdeveloped people in happy long term relationships.

how are we working now to make sure we can make a relationship last?

No one person has that ability. Two people have to decide to be together no matter how great, committed or hardworking one partner is.

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
9:58 am

KB wisdom and growth we will know and it us up to us to act accordingly..

Chink good most….respect your perspective!

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
9:59 am

meant good post….I am doing to much and happy doing it!!! LOL

czBrat

January 20th, 2010
10:04 am

GM All!

Good topic and Great posts this morning. Communication is key and, yes, use your single time to get yourself right. My greatest challenge at the moment: I’ve enjoyed my unattached years and I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the realization that I may soon be a Mrs. once again. That’s a good problem to have though :)

Professor

January 20th, 2010
10:06 am

Hola!

Kinderbabe you are correct the commitment starts before the alter. I look at it like this, would you marry a wo/man that say s/he will break off with their other mate once you two get married? :shock: Therefore the commitment is already in place and the vows only further that commitment depending on your beliefs.

Robert Fulgum wrote about a couple that could not find anyone to sign off on their marriage licenses due to their beliefs. The couple believed that they were already married, but the last step of the commitment included going out into nature and allowing their souls to connect. Once this was done (there was not time limit) they would be married. Well Robert waited in the woods with other family and friends as the two wandered off and when they returned he signed the marriage licenses for them, so that the state would approve the marriage.

Professor

January 20th, 2010
10:07 am

Hey czBrat!

Now that is one challenge I am happy you are having! :grin:

Willie Dynamite

January 20th, 2010
10:13 am

Morning All,

Great Topic that requires a level of self-honesty that most aren’t willing to commit to. Congratulations if you have made it to figuring out if the one in front of you is indeed the ONE. Now the hard part.
Compromise – Whats that? We are used to having things our way.
Adversity – Whats that? Love doesn’t have ups and downs its spose to be happily ever after right.
Risk – Whats that? I aint signing up for a broken heart AGAIN.

All of that is Human Nature. If/when you have a failed relationship its just that much harder to be accepting of anything less than perfect the next time around.
I don’t normally give advice but I can honestly say that for me Marriage is the single hardest thing I have EVER done in my life. I signed up for the Compromise,Adversity and the Risk. If you are not willing to put the Work in then it wouldn’t matter if you have found The One.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

January 20th, 2010
10:21 am

Willie D – “I don’t normally give advice but I can honestly say that for me Marriage is the single hardest thing I have EVER done in my life.” I had to post that again because even though I am divorced I TOTALLY agree! You have to be willing to work and know that its an on-going journey!

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
10:27 am

All of that is Human Nature. If/when you have a failed relationship its just that much harder to be accepting of anything less than perfect the next time around.
I don’t normally give advice but I can honestly say that for me Marriage is the single hardest thing I have EVER done in my life. I signed up for the Compromise,Adversity and the Risk. If you are not willing to put the Work in then it wouldn’t matter if you have found The One.

@Willie Dynamite PRICELESS BROTHA!!!!!!!! AWESOME POST!!!!

Honest is the key!!!!

“I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure don’t deserve me at my best” Marilyn Monroe

I am not perfect and neaither are others so why not find a common ground to make it worth to find a perferct us through our imperfections!!!! One day!:O)

Leggs

January 20th, 2010
10:28 am

“…raggedy, underdeveloped people” Nice phrasing.

SexyCool

January 20th, 2010
10:34 am

Head nod. Too much to think about AND actually do some work right now. I’ll be Bach.

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 20th, 2010
10:34 am

@Lady J

Be careful quoting (or in admiration of MM) she sabotaged every relationship she had (including the one’s she wanted) lamented their loss and her unhappiness to the point of suicide.

kinderbabe--for better or for worse starts now:)

January 20th, 2010
10:37 am

@Professor–i like that story! it is along the lines of what i too believe. being in the frame of mind for something BEFORE it happens is so key in how you handle it. just think of all the people who cheat up to the DAY of their so called marriage…what makes them think that standing in the church is going to change their actions? saying the vows is not a magic pill that cures all ill-behaviors and inconsiderate notions. it’s simply a confirmation of what has already been done.

Chink

January 20th, 2010
10:38 am

Good for you Willie! But that sure is scary! :)

Hey I am getting there slllooowwwlly but suuuurrrelly.

SexyCool

January 20th, 2010
10:41 am

I have to say though, WillieD – compromise, adversity, risk – all seem to be at play with me and TheDude right now.

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 20th, 2010
10:43 am

Morning.

Its all about our actions in how we let someone know. I also think that when you really like someone there are 2 things that we need to do:

1. Learn from it dont be burned from it. Alot of us (including myself) inadvertently sabotage relationships because of how sour things went with someone in the past so we feel that this will happen again so we are afraid to leap). We need to leave the past where it is and move forward and make sure that experience does not equal baggage.

2. When we meet someone we like, be sure to throw all the dating games, chess, mind games, etc out the window and just take a chance.

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
10:46 am

ok Dan duly noted but for me that particular one speak volumes I am a dynamic person but I get your drift and thanks for looking out bruh!

abc

January 20th, 2010
10:56 am

If you met the person you think is meant for you, and they don’t feel the same way, then you’ll not be able to ‘do the work’ or somehow enhance or change yourself so that they change their feelings. You can change the way you think, but you can’t really change the way you feel. Feelings have to just happen.

That’s not to say that people shouldn’t pursue self-improvement and growth. It is to say that you should do it for yourself, not to try to make yourself more appealing to the opposite sex in general, or an individual in particular.

Leggs

January 20th, 2010
10:57 am

@M. ~ if your #2 would happen, I believe there would be more sustainable relationships developing.

czBrat

January 20th, 2010
10:58 am

:lol: thanx Professor. and i agree with kinderbabe on that story. that’s a good approach. the s/o and i have recently discussed entering into a covenant before a civil ceremony.

you should do it for yourself, not to try to make yourself more appealing to the opposite sex in general, or an individual in particular. Amen!!

DreamsMaterialize

January 20th, 2010
11:00 am

Shoot I’m not handling anyone at their worst. If in our relationship, you’ve degenerated to the worst person you can be, then our relationship is not working. Or if I find myself operating at my lowest levels, then you need to cut your losses and roll.

Professor

January 20th, 2010
11:01 am

@Lady J I love the quote by MM IMO, regardless of who we are including flaws IMO again we have someone(s) out there that are willing to love us or someone(s) we are willing to give our love to…so I can see the value in that quote.

@Dan your statement on MM was a fallacy

@Kinderbabe…I thought it was a cool story too, and it is funny how we all view love and vows so differently

Professor

January 20th, 2010
11:05 am

DreamsM, would you leave your wife/SO if they had a mental illness or became unstable and was at their worst?

Dan - moving away from gray and back to black

January 20th, 2010
11:08 am

@Dreams

Right. True.

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
11:09 am

Thanks Professor for understanding me!:)

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
11:11 am

@Professor that is a good point and question….

I feel at your worse is just getting a grip on things and having a moment or two with dealing with conflict…we are not perfect beings with handling conflict and we have to stick it out in the valley seriously that’s my aim

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
11:12 am

yall I am going back to get my MA in Community Counseling and will aspire to be a Mental Health Counselor and with mental illness for women the onset is later in life vs most men are in the mid teens to 20s….a deep fact!:) I am excited!!!!:)

Professor

January 20th, 2010
11:14 am

@M dot and Leggs I agree relationships would grow between two honest people if we all could throw #2 out the window. It is so difficult to bare it all when you have the con(wo/man) or gigalo running around looking for free room & board or $$$.

DreamsMaterialize

January 20th, 2010
11:14 am

Prof
Mental illness doesn’t represent a person’s “worst”. A person’s “worst” is represented by a their choice to allow that malicious part of their soul to dominate their personality and behaviors. Someone who loves you, won’t continually make that choice.

Professor

January 20th, 2010
11:15 am

Lady J that is excellent news!!! I am sooo happy for you! You have every right to be excited and proud of yourself!

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
11:16 am

ok a worse for me is I already talk loud and during conflict I yell and scream…yeah something I have gotten better at bc you can’t listen yapping that mouth but it is a characteristic of me….but some can’t deal with it my point is if that is one of my mates simple flaw he has to deal with among the other great characteristic then deal and don’t run away from my bark bc I’m trul scared and afraid on the other side….ok that’s self honesty folks!

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
11:17 am

Thanks Professor!!!

Professor

January 20th, 2010
11:19 am

DreamsM,

We can dance around words and do the lexical tango all morning long, but common sense will tell a fool that a person with mental illness are not at their best, nor are they making their best decisions. The flip side of that is they are at their worst and their relationships i.e family, work and romantic relationships are going to suffer. :neutral:

Hurt people hurt people and a lot of that hurt comes from mental illness

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
11:24 am

Preach Professor! That is serious and deep and NO not everyone is walking around mentally ill however the undiagnosed and not treated ones will make any relationship a living hell! Real talk!

Leggs

January 20th, 2010
11:24 am

Hurt people hurt people and a lot of that hurt comes from mental illness Most definitely…a wounded soul and heart destroys the mind!

Lady J-Quest for Staying Power!

January 20th, 2010
11:27 am

a wounded soul and heart destroys the mind!
and the mind is a powerful tool that is so complex…..

kinderbabe--for better or for worse starts now:)

January 20th, 2010
11:28 am

@LadyJ–congrats!! that’s super.:) is it a 2 year program?

at the end of the day, it seems that a lot of what screws up a relationship is when a person chooses to give ONLY what they’ve been given (good or bad). b/c when you think about it, if you’ve been treated poorly, you would want to treat someone better than you were treated AND if you’ve been treated wonderfully, you’d want to share that with others too and and go above and beyond what you’ve experienced. Give more than you’ve gotten. We have selective memory and forget most of what we’ve been given when it’s good…lol. So taking a chance and spreading some goodness around really won’t hurt. i’m not talking about being a doormat. i’m talking about not being afraid to love.