It Takes More
I was listening to Q100 this morning on the way to work this morning. The Bert Show had a male caller who scored a date with someone who he thought was “out of his league” (are we still doing the league thing!?). After their three hour date, the guy decided that they were not that compatible after all. Once he got to see her personality, he realized they were not a match.
It was interesting (refreshing?) to hear a guy state that it took more than great looks to keep him interested. Since he considered himself to be Christian, keeping her around just for physical purposes did not appeal to him.
Like some of you mentioned earlier this week, once you get past the chemistry and sparks, there must be something there to sustain interest and cultivate an actual relationship. This is assuming, of course, that you even want a relationship!
People who have extremely great looks, wealth, or power probably seem to have greater options, but it takes more to keep someone who wants you for you. I’m sure we are all guilty of going out with people for superficial reasons, but how long did that last? Exactly.
Do you think that there is a misconception that men will put up with bad attitudes and personalities? Some of the comments from the show this morning made it seem like it was rare that a guy would not keep a hot woman around.
Guys are you inclined to stick around long after you realize incompatibility?
Ladies do you think you that you endure too much incompatibility for too long with the men you date? Should women be more proactive in moving on when they discover that the guy doesn’t offer much beyond great sex, gifts, or status?
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348 comments Add your comment
Dan - moving away from gray and back to black
January 13th, 2010
8:15 am
Good morning,
Two key things to me:
1) “Guys are you inclined to stick around long after you realize incompatibility?”
My answer, yes and no. No, once realizing “she isn’t the one”, the slow emotional withdrawal begins. Yes, because there may be lingering physical desires to be satiated.
2) “This is assuming, of course, that you even want a relationship!”
This is a skrong statement. I’m just beginning to see in myself that a lasting ‘relationship’ is something desirable. For a large part of my life, it wasn’t.
Jeff
January 13th, 2010
8:25 am
Sounds like this guy is a good man. And some women claim there are none left.
iRaq...I'm Too Sexy and I Rock
January 13th, 2010
9:05 am
Yes there has to more than a mere physical attraction.
My marido is gosh darn handsome and I know he feels that I am super fabulous myself, but that’s just a small fraction of what keeps us together. We don’t get by in everyday living just by enjoying each other’s beauty and hotness, we have to actually interact. We communicate on a deeper level. We LIKE each other.
One thing that I discovered when I was in a relationship with the nature guy is I didn’t like him as much as I thought I wanted to have a relationship with him. He was good looking and quite intelligent but I came to not like him very much.
I takes more than a pretty face and some good loving to have and maintain a relationship.
Dream_n_There's more to this pretty face
January 13th, 2010
9:15 am
Morning Professor,Melo, Leggs… Blog!!
Okay, Let’s first agree that in most cases physical characteristics are what intially attracts you to a person.
After we got over the physical stimulation, there has to be some sort of substance to maintain that attraction.
“If you’re looking for someting lasting”
I’ve known men to stay with ladies for physical reasons and I’ve known ladies to stay with men for physical & financial reasons.
And, I don’t know if all guys stick around with women they have no “interest” in besides what they look like in or out of clothes. I’m positive it happens..plus the blog men have proven this point time and time again..
PRINCESSNIK
January 13th, 2010
9:22 am
Ladies do you think you that you endure too much incompatibility for too long with the men you date? Should women be more proactive in moving on when they discover that the guy doesn’t offer much beyond great sex, gifts, or status?
I would say the answer is yes, sometimes you have reached a comfort level with that person and you just don’t want to go through the changes, or you just hope it will work out in the end.
PRINCESSNIK
January 13th, 2010
9:25 am
oh and yes women should be more proactive in moving on, men too. I mean if all i wanted was a warm body wouldn’t be any problems, but when it gets to comparing goals, finances those can become serious issues of incompatibility.
Dream_n_There's more to this pretty face
January 13th, 2010
9:29 am
@ Princess
I agree. Women/men should be more proactive in moving on when it’s over. Hanging on or trying to grasp hold to what little is left can leave you feeling desperate and incomplete.
Dan - moving away from gray and back to black
January 13th, 2010
9:32 am
@Dream/Princess
Check it, most guys are “holding on” to anything but a physical frame (and the content therein/on) past the time the decision is made to be done with it emotionally.
Dream_n_There's more to this pretty face
January 13th, 2010
9:37 am
@ Dan
So what are they holding on to, if it’s not the need to still be intimate (physically) with the women.
iRaq...I'm Too Sexy and I Rock
January 13th, 2010
9:38 am
You have to be able to hold an enjoyable conversation. It’s doesn’t have to be anything way deep or super philosophical it just has be fulfilling. I tend to deal/associate with people for the long term that I can pretty much have a conversation about anything. It’s even more in important in my relationship. If I don’t know something I ask question. (Oh yeah BTW Leggs I asked my friend about the “tan/pink” thing and she confirmed. I have never had a relationship with darker skin man so I would not know. But moving on…) And I don’t mind being asked anything.
Another very important relationship aspect in mutual interest. There has to be some mutual interest for me to have a relationship. We don’t have to do everything together nor like all of the same things, but we have to share some interests. And enjoy doing those things together.
I have seen before where someone may stay in a relationship probably longer than they should. I did that myself with the nature guy. Hoping things would get better but it didn’t. I also do believe that we all at some or the other may have put up with more than should be allowed based on something a person had that in the end wasn’t really worth it.
iRaq...I'm Too Sexy and I Rock
January 13th, 2010
9:39 am
I know for a fact in my past guys have approached me because they thought I was attractive just to find out we had nothing in common. There was nothing there to base a relationship on for the two of. When you are just too different it will not work IMO.
Dream_n_There's more to this pretty face
January 13th, 2010
9:48 am
I think one of my pet peeves are men that are overly “confident”. The man that believes all women should find him attractive (even if he is). I can be put off pretty easily by arrogance.
iRaq...I'm Too Sexy and I Rock
January 13th, 2010
9:48 am
Some people just want a trophy to carry on their arms and well put up with incompatibility for the sake of being seen in public with a hotty. I think men are guiltier than woman in that case. However I do believe more women will put up with incompatibility for the sake of financial security and any other kind of security.
Some people put up with not meshing just to be with someone. It’s got to be quite aggravating but I guess what they are getting out of it is worth more than actually liking the person and having something in common with them.
Dan - moving away from gray and back to black
January 13th, 2010
9:49 am
@Dream
You’re trying to tie an emotion to a physical need.
There’s no emotion in it, it’s just sex; not intimacy.
M. (pronouced M dot)
January 13th, 2010
9:51 am
Morning.
I always say that guys should insist that the women they deal with should bring more to the table than CURVES AND A WEAVE
“Guys are you inclined to stick around long after you realize incompatibility?”
I dont think guys are really inclined to stick around because eventually she will start to get on your nerves no matter how good she looks. The looks will only get her so far. Its also only so much ego guys can really put up with also. She should have some substance.
“Do you think that there is a misconception that men will put up with bad attitudes and personalities?”
This is a HUGE misconception. Nobody wants to put up with a woman who has good looks, but a bad attitude just as arm candy. This to me is almost a form of disrespect. She is probably used to guys kissing up to her because she looks good but that doesnt mean YOU have to put up with that.
@Dream
And, I don’t know if all guys stick around with women they have no “interest” in besides what they look like in or out of clothes. I’m positive it happens..plus the blog men have proven this point time and time again..
This is really corny argument and shallow thing to say. I am sure everyone at one time has dealt with someone for superficial reasons. I know women who stick with guys they really have no interest in besides what they can do for them, to them, and the benefits (trips, financial, emotional, etc.)
2CPTG......"more than enough"
January 13th, 2010
9:52 am
morning…..yep, it does take more…so bartender, give Ms. Lady a double shot of “ism” and coke.
today is my baby-girl’s 13th birthday!!!! so in her honor….first, it was “Random Thoughts,” today it’ll be,
“That’s What’s Up!”
DreamsMaterialize
January 13th, 2010
9:53 am
Morning
I think everyone has been guilty of hanging on a little longer than they should have. Truth is that we put up with things from people we like/love that we would quickly dismiss anyone else for. Ex. A dude you have NO interest in approaches you in a semi corny way and you give him the gas face. Now a dude you’re really feelin’ approaches you the same way, and now that approach is “creative” or “original”.
2CPTG......"more than enough"
January 13th, 2010
9:58 am
That’s what’s up, when:
you’re speaking to your daughter on the phone, while she’s at school, and you know she has you on speakerphone, and you hear her friends in the background….you tell her, “you are soooo lame…” she laughs, and before hanging up, you hear her tell her friends….”I told ya my dad was cool!”
that’s what’s up!
Dream_n_There's more to this pretty face
January 13th, 2010
10:00 am
@ Dan
I think you’re veering down road A and I’m strutting down road B, b/c we are talking about 2 totally differect things.
@ M. Shallow? Well I never..
I was attempting to answer the question that was asked.. You may want to read the paragraph again, b/c that was far from an arguement.
I was saying that I’m sure some men stay with women based off of looks, and I stand by the fact that my blog guys have informed me that an appealing body/ face will make you do some things you normally wouldn’t.
Dream_n_There's more to this pretty face
January 13th, 2010
10:01 am
@ 2C.. Happy b-day to your daughter!
M. (pronouced M dot)
January 13th, 2010
10:05 am
@Dream
“I stand by the fact that my blog guys have informed me that an appealing body/ face will make you do some things you normally wouldn’t.”
I see what you mean, so you mean to tell me none of your blog girls have informed you that an appaling body, face, bank account will make you do some things you normally wouldn’t?
LOL Dream if you dont get out of here with that 1987 Jody Wately BS…
Sassy Me....Mahogany Sunshine :-)
January 13th, 2010
10:06 am
Ladies do you think you that you endure too much incompatibility for too long with the men you date? Should women be more proactive in moving on when they discover that the guy doesn’t offer much beyond great sex, gifts, or status?
You have some desperate sisters who will stay when they know good and well it’s not going to work b/c they don’t want to be alone…..whateva chica. Now that I ponder, you also have some/alot of women who will stay if it meant they got great gifts,status and good wood…..shyt it’s a win-win-win in their book….however,that,too will get old eventually. My mother used to tell me that “Time is something that you can’t EVER GET BACK so use it wisely”,and I apply that to relationships as well….why waste time with someone I know isn’t really for me. Let me get my Dan on right quick….The Theory of Reciprocity states that two bodies cannot occupy the same space in time, or like granny used to say it “You ain’t gone find who you sposed to have if/while you got the wrong person in his place”.
Buenos dias blog familia!!
Cemeeli
January 13th, 2010
10:07 am
Good morning!
@2C – That IS very cool Pops and, That’s whats up!
@Dream_n – Have you stayed with a guy cause he was “pretty boy”? You dated them any of the Chris Brown look a likes hunh?
Lol…
Leggs
January 13th, 2010
10:09 am
@Raqi ~ that’s funny. I drove home thinking about the color and wondering if I was really that removed that I didn’t remember that.
@2C ~ you got mail and Happy B-day to your daughter’s 13th. 13 is a good year for them because they have officially moved away from being a tween.
It definitely takes more than chemistry and a nice body. I’ve turned down many nice bodys who carried empty heads on their shoulders.
I think some guys stick around (keeping their foot in the door) for when they too have their dry spells! The fact that they’re not dealing with this shallow person daily helps when they’re allowed back in for those quick 15 mins of tumbling in the sheets…ok, ok, perhaps 20!
Dream_n_There's more to this pretty face
January 13th, 2010
10:10 am
Whoa Southsider..
See that’s why it pays to read an entire post… please read my 9:15 (3rd paragraph).
mann .. I stay away for a bit and get my azz chewed out when I come back…
kimmie
January 13th, 2010
10:10 am
Morning Gang!
I’ve talked before often that in the past I was guilty of hanging on longer than I should when it was obvious the ish was over. Precious years lost, lessons learned though.
Of course there needs to be some substance past the physical attraction AND past the chemistry. Sometimes I have let chemistry cloud things. Yeah, we vibed great, but there were major dealbreakers I would overlook or let slide because I would reason in my head that it just HAD to work out because we had this wonderful “chemistry”! Again, live & learn.
In my very early dating years, I was VERY proactive in keeping it moving if things were not working and d@mn what anyone else said. Only when I started listening to OTHER PEOPLE and “giving him a chance” & “giving it time” did ish start going to pot for me. I went back to my old self, and things are as they should be now.
So that’s my advice to ladies, as in the Kenny Rogers song, The Gambler – Know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run! A “chance” is a few good “get to know you” dates, where there is much conversation and observation of thought-process and behavior going on. Discussion of goals and beliefs and background. If things don’t check out – NEXT! And make your OWN decision and take your time!
Dan - moving away from gray and back to black
January 13th, 2010
10:12 am
@Dream
That we’re talking about two different things is the point. You’re referencing an emotional connection to a physical act/need, and I’m trying to tell you that (from a guy’s perspective) there isn’t one. Basically, there can be loving….without love (or like).
@2C
Congrats and Happy Birthday to your daughter!
Dream_n_There's more to this pretty face
January 13th, 2010
10:16 am
Morning Ms. Cee!!
Dating Chris Brown’s.. HA!!!!! I like em’ seasoned!
The father of my child is turning 34 at the end of the month…
The young ‘ns do nothing for me absolutely nothing..
THE INFAMOUS DK aka MR LAST OF A DYING BREED
January 13th, 2010
10:16 am
Yeah dudes put up with chicks with bad attitudes especially if the sex is magnificient.. She’ll just be put at the end of the rotation list for arm candy events, sex and ummm sex. She’ll eventually drop out of rotation because the sex has gotten old but in the meantime and in between time she’ll be there to serve her purpose whatever that is..
Sassy Me....Mahogany Sunshine :-)
January 13th, 2010
10:18 am
Know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run!
Kimmie that is soo soo true.
2C congrats on baby girl’s 13th birthday!!! That’s what’s up.
Cemeeli
January 13th, 2010
10:19 am
I’ve dated for vain reasons.
I dated a pretty-boy-greek he was a junior, i was underclassman in college. Was TIRED of my i’m-gon-run-your-life-trying-to-return-possessive-boyfriend from tryna be in all places i’d be…So, he got a good shot of…”that died”. He saw me riding around and chatting at different events with Mr. Greek.
I was not all into dude, but i was grown b/c my upperclassman cousin TOLD me i better not be seen with a upperclassman, or greek…Whatever, i was swayed by my own pressure to do something, and from my roomates to date him because of the “frills”…car, greek, looks, and upperclass status.
iRaq...I'm Too Sexy and I Rock
January 13th, 2010
10:21 am
Congratulations 2CPTG you are now the proud father a little lady that is about to
give you hellcome into her own person.Cemeeli
January 13th, 2010
10:21 am
@Dream_n – Your baby’s dad is 34? Girl no wonder…hhmmmm he thinks you are real mature for your age….hmmmm….hmmmm….okay.
THE INFAMOUS DK aka MR LOOK IN MY EYES
January 13th, 2010
10:21 am
Babes do the same thing.. Keep a dude around until they meet someone else..
Dream_n_There's more to this pretty face
January 13th, 2010
10:22 am
@ Webster (Dan)
No, Dan, that is not what I was saying or even alluding to in my post. Try again
iRaq...I'm Too Sexy and I Rock
January 13th, 2010
10:23 am
LOL Leggs, she answered me by saying “Well Raqi when you have only been with tan colored men…?!?!” while smirking.
You done taught me something.
iRaq...I'm Too Sexy and I Rock
January 13th, 2010
10:27 am
Mdot you said “should insist” but we all know that many of you all and us have not insisted in the past. And some still aren’t. It’s the way it is.
It’s common knowledge that a lot of guy have yet to come to terms with a pretty face and fine body does not automatically equate to a good catch. Just like a man with a fine physique does not automatically pan out to be a good lover.
We sometimes make mistakes based solely on looks when looks does not mean anything. Looks are just for visual pleasure.
Dream_n_There's more to this pretty face
January 13th, 2010
10:28 am
@ Sassy I just read your post..
Let me get my Dan on right quick….The Theory of Reciprocity states that two bodies cannot occupy the same space in time
And I am dying at my desk.. you so silly!
Dan - moving away from gray and back to black
January 13th, 2010
10:28 am
@Dream
I’mma say this and end mine: by using the phrase “be intimate” you were refercing IMO an emotional state. We grown, you can type ’sex’ or any colorful euphamism…
May not have been your intention, but that is how I read it madam.
Sassy Me....Mahogany Sunshine :-)
January 13th, 2010
10:29 am
Babes do the same thing.. Keep a dude around until they meet someone else..
I’ve been guilty of this(while young and single) but we had an “understanding”,that was mostly physical or when I wanted the boyfriend experience
Heey Diva! It ended when it ran it’s course and not necessarily ’cause someone new came into the picture.
M. (pronouced M dot)
January 13th, 2010
10:29 am
@Dream
Its all good. Its just that your 4th paragraph was a slick way to try to throw the blog guys under the bus.
Dream_n_There's more to this pretty face
January 13th, 2010
10:31 am
@ The walking Thesauraus.
I apologize Dan. I will try to be more colorful on my next attempt.
Sassy Me....Mahogany Sunshine :-)
January 13th, 2010
10:31 am
Dream that’s what’s up
Leggs
January 13th, 2010
10:32 am
@Raqi ~ and you scared me (lol)!
IDK
January 13th, 2010
10:32 am
it def takes more UMPH…as you wrote, if that is ‘what you want’. they SAY beauty is only skin deep…but then how can one be beautiful inside and out? ironic. point can be simple…you kno when ur settling…for whtever reason (looks, status, wealth, etc). if its a temp thing, have fun with it..but if you r looking for a serious committed relay then set your standards and dont waver. let it take more than just the surface…IMO of course
Dream_n_There's more to this pretty face
January 13th, 2010
10:33 am
@ M.
Honestly, that wasn’t my intetions. All is good.
iRaq...I'm Too Sexy and I Rock
January 13th, 2010
10:33 am
Cemeeli, girl those frills and thrills have gotten many of us in trouble.
M. (pronouced M dot)
January 13th, 2010
10:35 am
@Raqi
I agree. We have to just learn from it and dont be burned from it. Everyone’s makes mistakes in dating and dealing with people who they thought were one way. Just have to move forward.
@Dream
“The young ‘ns do nothing for me absolutely nothing..”
LOL this was funny. Also the senior citizens do nothing for me either
Cemeeli
January 13th, 2010
10:35 am
@ Infamous – Yep, it’s the same thing we call today “stringing someone along”.
But Infamous, sometimes you can tell a person straight up…and they still tryna hold onto that string….of course this happens more in the younger hay day…but it’s still alive and well with the older.
iRaq...I'm Too Sexy and I Rock
January 13th, 2010
10:39 am
Leggs, you know what even funnier I am intriqued now to try to see if there is true color variation even with my “lighter” skinned man. You know I want now look up a picture online of a darker skinned man just to see the difference. LOL