Dating the Free Spirit
I once read a quote, “I could clip her wings to make her mine, but it’s the bird that I love”. It reminds me how sometimes we are drawn to people for a reason that later causes a problem in a relationship. I spoke to a friend of mine who said that he really likes this woman he met a few weeks ago, but she is rarely at home or available for quiet evenings.
What do you do if you are dating a social butterfly or someone who is on the go all the time? I have had experiences when I find a guy who just prefers to stay at home instead of going places. I figured it could be something we would have to compromise about. I would carve out quality time for us at home or at his place and he would join me on some things that I enjoy doing in the city. It didn’t go over well, though.
How do you handle the “opposite attracts” kind of relationships? Is it true that the ying-yang affect can be a great balance for two people? Did that ever happen for you?
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356 comments Add your comment
Raqi...The Rhyme and The Reason
January 5th, 2010
8:40 am
WiseDiva, this is a very good topic in general when it comes to bumps in relationships. I particularly like this line right here…”It reminds me how sometimes we are drawn to people for a reason that later causes a problem in a relationship.” Often times we find things about our mates somewhat endearing and cute that can become a nuisance when you have live and deal with that thing on a daily. And many things can fall in that category.
But I know that in itself in not the topic so I will fly back to cozy cabin and rest there for now.
pope innocent the third
January 5th, 2010
8:55 am
I recently broke up because I was considered the “free spirit.” I believe she was attracted to what she perceived to be my “live by the seat of my pants” attitude and ability to live life carefree and with open arms. Who isn’t attracted to to that kind of attitude? But in the end she wasn’t that type of person herself and it became a conflict as she claimed that I felt things at 100%, she told me, when I feel, I FEEL! Lol. She was more the settle down type and I wasn’t. But initially I think she found it fascinating but then reality hit her and she couldn’t deal with it in the long term and backed off. Eh, love lol.
Kym
January 5th, 2010
9:09 am
Good Morning All–Happy New Year!!
Dan - needing tea
January 5th, 2010
9:28 am
I think it’s about harmony more than anything.
If one of likes being out and the other doesn’t, both (if we want it to work) have to give a little. Problems arise when one of us tries to convert the other person as opposed to appreciating their point of view.
Raqi...The Rhyme and The Reason
January 5th, 2010
9:32 am
In reading the topic again I think that is one of those areas where compromise is more in the lines with sacrifice. The agreeing of activity levels is very important in being a couple. A homebody and a social butterfly will probably never work out. If you are not a person that genuinely likes to get out and mingle you will be quite miserable faking it. Just like a person that likes to get out and about will be very bored and annoyed with sitting home watching the television.
Compromise in engaging in the interests of your mate is what has to be done, but there also has to be an already existing level of activeness there already. If not either you both will be miserable or you will spend very little time together and a big part of relationships is about the time you spend together. Not being joined at the hip but spending enjoyable time doing the things that make you happy.
While it is wise to have those activities that you share with your friends away from your mate, that time apart should not outweigh the time for each other.
Time spent plays a huge part in creating that bond.
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
January 5th, 2010
9:34 am
Good morning,
Getting off to a slow start it seems.
East Point's Own
January 5th, 2010
9:38 am
If one person absolutely does not enjoy a favorite activity or part of the other’s lifestyle it will not work out in the long term, unless the couple is fine with the idea that there will be large chunks of time they will spend apart, and there is no insecurity that either mate will be off cheating while the other is away. Also the issue of one person becoming jealous of the other’s active lifestyle can become an issue as well.
I whink it would be less of a problem if both parties are involved in something, but if one is out and about while the other sits at home, even if by choice…there will be problems eventually.
http://hispointofview.com
SexyCool - I C U Lookin'
January 5th, 2010
9:45 am
Three Words Daily – Hold yourself accountable.
DreamsMaterialize
January 5th, 2010
9:46 am
Morning Blog
It is TOO DAGGONE COLD this morning!
On topic: I LOVE the free spirit. I also enjoy dating, so I never try to cage anyone. I accept you for who you are and never try to make our interaction into something it’s not. If we go out and live it up all the time, then I’m not trying to make you switch it up on you by asking for quiet times at home. If we veg out on the couch watching movies all the time, then I won’t all of a sudden ask you to tear up the town with me. I’ll never try to turn our interaction into something it’s not, and I expect the same in return.
Leggs
January 5th, 2010
9:48 am
Good morning!
I believe the ying yang affect can be a balance for a lot of people. However, along with the differences, compromise is the silver lining and the glue holding it all together. I don’t think complete opposites will stay together in the long run. Familiarity breeds content and comfortability. Both parties have to meet on the same ledge at some time in the relationship. If not, fly home birdie, fly home!
Raqi...The Rhyme and The Reason
January 5th, 2010
9:48 am
EastPoint, I agree with you. I personally think that a person will continue to seek that interaction or bond that nature presents to us that is the motivation for them to be with someone in the first. If you are “with” someone however seldom “with” them there will more than likely still be a void in that area of your life. That’s where the trouble can begin. If she is out and about jet setting for days and weeks or months at a time and you are sitting home in your comfort zone you both will be lonely. That is unless you find a filler. That filler is more than likely trouble waiting to happen.
Now I am not saying that long distance relationships cannot work, because that is pretty much what it is when you are forever apart, but I am just saying that time spent matters.
SexyCool - I C U Lookin'
January 5th, 2010
9:48 am
I’m a go with the flow kinda chick. I like being out as much as I like being at home. I love enjoying the sporting events and cultural experiences the city has to offer or partying with friends or dinner and a movie just as much as I appreciate spending the night on the couch eating a take out pizza or a dinner we cooked together while we continue our quest to watch all of the seasons of 24. (We’re at about 7p on Season 2. Not going to get caught up before the new season starts.)
THE INFAMOUS DK aka MR GONE IN 60 SECS
January 5th, 2010
9:49 am
Sup… Ummmm yeah Ive been the caged Bird and me no likey.. A recurring song kept playing in my head the entire time.. Ohhh ZOOOOM! I’d like to fly away.. I dont know what it is but to be in restraints gets my knickers in a bind.. I like to just be and most people cant handle that.. Im not flighty or indecisive but just the opposite very decisive and once my decision is made then I go with it.. My Motto is.. How ever it goes it goes..
Once Happy, Now a Heartbroken & Lonely Southern Guy
January 5th, 2010
9:49 am
There are ONLY TWO KINDS of women in this world:
1. The one who cheated on you, took all your money, made a fool of you, ripped out your heart and humiliated you all for her own all-about-me amusement.
2. The kind who IS GOING TO on you, take all your money, make a fool of you, rip out your heart and humiliate you all for her own all-about-me amusement.
Lying, selfish, gold-digging, slutty pieces of trash!
My Brothers, DO NOT TRUST ANY OF THEM!!!!!!!!
SexyCool - I C U Lookin'
January 5th, 2010
9:51 am
Bitter much?
Once Happy, Now a Heartbroken & Lonely Southern Guy
January 5th, 2010
9:52 am
…CHEAT on you…
M. (pronouced M dot)
January 5th, 2010
9:53 am
Greetings all.
“How do you handle the “opposite attracts” kind of relationships? Is it true that the ying-yang affect can be a great balance for two people? Did that ever happen for you?”
This is a touchy subject. I am very outgoing and social. Sometimes, you may meet someone who is blinded by liking you and therefore, they make you think they are cool with your go go lifestyle, but after a while, this will be really far from the truth. They really want you at home on the couch with them and not in situations where you could potentially meet and maybe get with someone better.
Its kinda like if you meet a woman and you were one way before you met her, what attracted her really isnt what she wants from you anymore because she already got you. If you still are staying fresh and looking single (being on point all around), she will think you are trying to still get chosen by someone else.
I know a woman that I am cool with and she was interested in dating. These were her exact words…”I know we could work this out. I know you are outgoing, social, and like to go out, but dont worry we can change that”.
Interesting choice of words…This balance could work but also you have to be true to who you really are.
Not to nitpick...
January 5th, 2010
9:55 am
…but the Taoist concept you mentioned is “yin and yang.”
“Ying Yang” are the twins.
Leggs
January 5th, 2010
9:55 am
Just RI DI CU LOUS!
Leggs
January 5th, 2010
9:58 am
@Not to nitpick…too funny cuz I typed yin, looked at it and quickly added the “g”.
Leggs
January 5th, 2010
10:01 am
2Once Happy ~ you will remain with those feelings only if you want to. You can and should find a more enjoyed outlet. Don’t let that stuff fester inside. You may find yourself on high blood pressure medication!
THE INFAMOUS DK aka MR GONE IN 60 SECS
January 5th, 2010
10:01 am
Well the thing is.. I like to be at home sometimes and sometimes I like to go but I dont care what if you wanna go or stay.. If I wanna stay at home and you dont, then Go.. You’ll just be doing it without me and vice versa.. If you wanna stay and I wanna go then I’m perfectly OK with saying I’ll be back.. Dont try and make me feel guilty about going cause you dont want to because I wont make you feel guilty.. Go hang out and have girls night out because Im going out with my Patnas or just might be at the barbershop for a looong time chopping it up.. As long as Im respectful and let you know whats up dont trip and dont break shady cause I changed my mind about something.. It happens..
Not to nitpick...
January 5th, 2010
10:02 am
And for my $0.02, opposites definitely attract. But it can only work so long as one (or both) aren’t still out there fishing for a more compatible mate.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for over 7 years and for all the qualities I thought I wanted (independent, strong, tough), she is exactly the opposite (needy, clingy). Yet we have this amazing physical, emotional, intimate connection. I haven’t been able to break free & clear, yet I can’t bring myself to pull the trigger and marry the girl. Any advice?
SexyCool - I C U Lookin'
January 5th, 2010
10:05 am
Kill yo’self.
~lol~
Teasing. Been watching Joe Clair on YouTube.
Dan - got tea; waiting for it to kick in
January 5th, 2010
10:07 am
@EPO
I don’t want her to be interested in everything that I am, but I do want her to show an interest in learning about it. Likewise, I will with things she likes.
Especially her favorite things. They may be “off the wall” but my desire to learn about them (and vice versa) should be enough. While I may never share her passion, understanding it helps me understand her.
nemo
January 5th, 2010
10:08 am
Once Happy you are so right.you’ve got it down. Every time I might find someone that I could team with, I just slam a hammer down on my hand and go on with my life. I am perfectly happy with myself and my dog. If I want to hear some drama, I just talk to my married friends and they quench my thirst for a relationship. If you want sex go to a pro pay her the cash and leave, you pay anyway so why not a pro, its cheaper in the long run.
THE INFAMOUS DK aka MR GONE IN 60 SECS
January 5th, 2010
10:13 am
Not To NitWit – Marry her.. She’ll change into the skrong Independent woman you always asked for and more..
DreamsMaterialize
January 5th, 2010
10:15 am
M Dot
but dont worry we can change that.
See this is how they set themselves up for failure and then call you the bad guy.
Why do we complicate dating? We try to make things what they are not. Everything is what it is, and there is nothing about you (me) that’s so great that we can change that. Accept things (people) for what (who) they are. If you like it, then roll with it, if not, then move on. Simple as that.
Cemeeli
January 5th, 2010
10:19 am
If I wanna stay at home and you dont, then Go.
Morning.
I agree…you are going to do what you choose and so am I. In the respects of the relationship of course,…so yeah a free spirit i have and extend it to my significant other.
Melo said this on here once…”If you love something then set it free, if they come back, then it is yours to keep. If they doesn’t, then it never was.”
And then those persons you deal with that r “not for you”…what happens is that you let them “go”, and then realize you were in love with Love, rather than the person you set free.
SexyCool - I C U Lookin'
January 5th, 2010
10:20 am
I wouldn’t date anyone who wants to change me. Dammit, it took me 37 years to get this way and I like it. ~lol~
SexyCool - I C U Lookin'
January 5th, 2010
10:22 am
That being said, I am one who continually strives toward SELF improvement.
Sassy Me...Black Koffe...no sugar, no cream :-)
January 5th, 2010
10:22 am
Mornting All
Once Happy maybe you should read yesterday’s topic and see what “Gia” had to say and do what she did….”switch teams”….that way you won’t have to worry ’bout gettin your feelings hurt.
On topic: Opposites attract…been there n done that and long story short it didn’t work. The very same things that attracted him to me were the same things that he couldn’t handle and wanted me to change once we became exclusive. M dot that 9:53 really sums up the whole situation b/c dude thought that once we got together I was supposed to stop doing the very same things that caught his e-y-e.
THE INFAMOUS DK aka MR GONE IN 60 SECS
January 5th, 2010
10:25 am
Heyal Im gonna want you to go sometimes to get the heck away from me.. Nothing Personal.. I just like to be alone sometimes.. Just let me veg out on the sofa with my hand in my underwear..
M. (pronuced M dot)
January 5th, 2010
10:26 am
@DreamsMaterialize
You are exactly right. Alot of women like to try to bait and switch guys. Pretend they are cool with something but after a while, they really are not cool with it and you see the true colors…
Also, over the break, I got some great advice which really hit home:
He said M., women are very honest when you FIRST meet them….actually this is really the most honesty you will get out of them…So ask all the right questions and get as much information as you can…after that is when they will start to try to hide who they really are…I think this goes for many areas in male/female interactions…
Sassy Me...Black Koffe...no sugar, no cream :-)
January 5th, 2010
10:28 am
I just talk to my married friends and they quench my thirst for a relationship.
Instead of letting someone else’s problems deter you from finding your own happiness why not see them as learning lessons in what not to do. Then again if your too scared to play in the yard with the rest of the grown ups you prolly should stay on the porch suckin’ yo thumb….
East Point's Own
January 5th, 2010
10:28 am
I actually stopped seeing a young lady because she claimed to love everything I liked… although upon further questioning she really knew little about most of the things I enjoy… She was spreading it on exxxxtra thick to try to be that perfect woman for me.
http://hispointofview.com
M. (pronouced M dot)
January 5th, 2010
10:29 am
@Sassy Me…Black Koffe…no sugar, no cream
Interesting….What were some of the main things he wanted you to change?
IDK
January 5th, 2010
10:29 am
I like free spirits…I am one. but I do wonder…are we ‘free spirits’ or possibly unconsciencously (sp?!?) running from committment? :-/ Careful with the free-spirited ones…
Cemeeli
January 5th, 2010
10:34 am
I actually stopped seeing a young lady because she claimed to love everything I liked
Alert! Alert!…soemtimes that turns stalker-ish…those tendacies usually show themselves pretty much early in the dating stages…
DreamsMaterialize
January 5th, 2010
10:36 am
DK
I just like to be alone sometimes..
I feel you on that bruh. Seems like that issue comes up in almost all my relationships. Chicks can’t ever seem to understand that you just need that self time. They take it personally when really it has nothing to do with them.
nemo
January 5th, 2010
10:37 am
Oh and beware of the women who say “I don’t want any Drama” turn around and find the door they are the worst drama queens.And Sassy me, theres a lot to be said for someone who enjoys the porch. I was off of it too long and got my heart jerked out of my chest too many times. I ENJOY MY OWN COMPANY, I don’t need someone to lean on or give me confidence, I make my own. And I don’t suck my thumb.
Raqi...The Rhyme and The Reason
January 5th, 2010
10:41 am
Infamous IMO it is not a matter of you want to go out this weekend and I want to stay in. I think it becomes an issue when that is the case all the time. Couples need to spend time apart on occasions. But when we are always going our separate ways, never being able to get it together, that’s when there is a problem.
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
January 5th, 2010
10:42 am
SexyCool I’m sort of like you are in your 9:48 post.
Gotta catch up…(dayum conference call)
Sassy Me...Black Koffe...no sugar, no cream :-)
January 5th, 2010
10:43 am
What were some of the main things he wanted you to change?
M dot this particular person was attracted to my intelligence,chocolate skin,fiery disposition,assertiveness along with some of the other things he lacked in his personality. He was also a “5 percenter” but I didn’t know alot about it at first…..otherwise I would’ve ran in the other direction. He even wanted to regulate what I wore(especially in the summer time) and also to convert but I was against it. He said he liked my fire but in the end couldn’t really take the heat. He ended up being a wet blanket and I ended up being ghost.
czBrat
January 5th, 2010
10:46 am
GM All!
good point, IDK. my marriage of opposites didn’t work, but both of my brothers have been married over 30 years to women they appear to be completely at odds with. as my s/o recently told me, the point is that once you make the commitment, you work together to fulfill it. i wouldn’t want to be with someone exactly like myself (because i’m kinda boring
), but being with someone you have just enough in common with allows you both to enjoy the new things you’ll find in each other. i wouldn’t want to get with someone then try to change them (nor them me). i say, accept me as i am, and that will make me want to be a better person.
SlimOne...just call me Nicety!
January 5th, 2010
10:48 am
I have a guy friend and he said he liked the fact that the chick he messed with used to have a life outside of him. He liked when she went out with her girls without him and come home late night..(hint hint) But I guess after she felt a little more serious she started wanting to be up under him all the time. TRUE women tend to that (not all) I guess it’s the excitement of having that special someone so naturally they want more of it. However, it’s good to have things to do outside of your partner…it really gives you guys something to talk about whenever you reunite.
Curvy Jones
January 5th, 2010
10:51 am
You know, relationships are a give and take. I like who I am, but when I become a part of an ‘us’ certain things begin to change. I start to take on new interests as I learn about the things he likes. Maybe I won’t like everything he does… he won’t like everything I do. There should be enough in the overlap to keep us doing things we both love to do and are interested in.
To me, a relationship isn’t all about ‘I do what I do and you do what you do and neither one of us is gonna give in’. It’s not a power struggle, it’s a compromise. If he doesn’t give where he usually takes… if she doesn’t give where she usually takes… if it becomes all about me me me and then there’s you, it won’t work.
I don’t mind going out, but I don’t want to be out all the time. I don’t mind staying in, but I don’t want to live on my couch, or his couch, in front of the TV. I want to freedom to hit the street alone if I feel like going and he doesn’t, and I want him to feel free to do the same– this is where having our own lives comes into play. But to me, especially if you’re in a committed relationship with potential for something long term and serious, I want us to want to spend time with each other more than we want to be ‘doing our own thing’. I want us to really like hanging out with each other and really like being with each other. And if that means going to Monster Truck Rally, even if I dont want to, I’ll go, because next week he’ll do his best not to grumble during Riverdance.
My parents have been married over 30 years… they’ll both tell you that it’s work… it seems to me that people expect this stuff to be easy and we expect to be catered to. I want to feel special. I want to make HIM feel special. MAAAANNNN that takes work!
Justine
January 5th, 2010
10:51 am
I am going to come from another perspective. No matter how it hurts walk away from someone who is a total opposite of you. Especially in important areas. I have a friend who just died. She was deeply religious and her husband was a heathan and i mean that literally. He never attended any church did not like anyone and did everything he could be to a social disaster to anything she tried to do. Now that she is gone he did not even wanted her to have a church funeral instead he wanted it at a small funeral home. Then he started the vicious rumors she was dissatified with her church but had been to ill to leave.
This is not the first time I have seen people who were complete opposites spend their lives together often in a total space of ignoring the other party.
Love is about love and if someone is the total opposite of you let them go you will eventually find someone . If you dont you will spend the rest of your life ignoring your partner and unhappy.
DreamsMaterialize
January 5th, 2010
10:52 am
Sassy
“Yo GOD. Only 5% Know the real truth. Let’s get this cypher goin so we can build on the Supreme Mathematics son. 360 degrees son!” lol
Sassy Me...Black Koffe...no sugar, no cream :-)
January 5th, 2010
10:55 am
Chicks can’t ever seem to understand that you just need that self time. They take it personally when really it has nothing to do with them.
Not all chicks take it personally. Maybe a woman with no hobbies or interests outside of the relationship and has NO friends might take it personally. IMO a woman who has a life and doesn’t feel the need to be attached to your hip wouldn’t hate on that. I like my own space at times and actually I relish in it.
I was off of it too long and got my heart jerked out of my chest too many times. I ENJOY MY OWN COMPANY, I don’t need someone to lean on or give me confidence, I make my own. And I don’t suck my thumb.>
Nemo let some of the air out. I don’t recall you saying you needed someone to give you confidence and kudos to you for enjoying your own company ’cause it sounds like you’re the only person that does….you’re reading kinda miserable,ya know. As for your heart, it happens to us all and for that I say “welcome to the real world”….did you learn something valuable from those experiences? BTW, the thumb sucking remark was a joke but if you…..it’s too early and I’m not gonna do it.