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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Are Black Women Doomed?

Recently, ABC’s Nightline did a segment entitled, “Single, Black, Female — and Plenty of Company.  You can tell by the title that it’s intended to highlight, the varying reasons many women of color are still unmarried, “despite success” in their careers.

Perhaps I am a bit oversensitive to this kind of thing because I obviously fit the single, black, female criteria.  I just wonder why a person’s career success should automatically translate into success in finding a mate.  Did I miss something?

I know there are friends of mine of many races and backgrounds that have a desire to marry, but I don’t get the sense that they feel entitled to it simply because they have achieved success.

Whenever I hear or read stories like this, I have to really wonder, what is the point of tossing out the “forty-two percent”  have not married statistic. Then they take it further and highlight the difference as  “double the number of white women”. Seriously?

So wait, are black women  in some kind of Amazing Bridal Race with white women that I didn’t know about? Is there some kind of Brad Pritt prize for the woman who jumps the broom before her ethnic counterpart?

I am being facetious, of course, but I want to know, what is the fascination with single black women not marrying? What is it supposed to mean? Am I supposed to feel hopeful, panicky, ambivalent?  Do I give up and go get baby kittens now ?

I am not doing any of that.

Ladies, what do you think when you see stories such as these in the news? Do you disregard it as fluff pieces or does it get internalized?

I would really be interested people to hear from others to  see  if this is part of that annoying societal pressure to get married that so many single people endure.

In the report, one of the women- (they were all gorgeous and accomplished by the way) said that they are able to find dates. It’s just the commitment that the men they meet seem to avoid.  One woman said, “If a guy can rotate quality women why would he settle down?”

I am almost positive this is not exclusive to black men, though. Why would anyone waste energy on a man who doesn’t want what they want? If he is rotating women and you know about it, shouldn’t you be thankful you dodged that bullet?

Guys, what would be your advice to women like this?

For the record, I will never give up hope.  Besides, I am allergic to cats.

615 comments Add your comment

dw

December 29th, 2009
9:24 am

Good morning, I would suggest that not only these women, but women in general, stop dating people that they think will impress or be approved by their friends, colleageus, and family. All too often I’ve noticed when couples get together, the women try to build their men up to make them look like the most successful, considerate, loving, most wonderfulest (yes, I said wonderfulest) guy ever, when they know that he’s not. It’s a competition thing that women have that keeps them from just being happy. I’m not saying that women should lower their standards, but just make sure your standards are “your” standards and not those of the groups of people mentined earlier. I’m sure there are men out there that don’t have the kinds of careers that these women have or they don’t fit the kind of guy that these women believe society thinks they should be dating, but they are more than willing to be committed to these women if they would give them a shot. The truth is, usually when we (men) are considered a “good catch”, we know it and choose to weigh our options just like the lady said about rotating “quality women”, which is a term that I need more clarification on, because I assure you success in the workplace does not automatically make a woman a “quality woman”. Knowing that women would love to have a successful man gives successful men more bargaining chips and we usually naturally take advantage of that. Bottom line: if they would date a guy for who he is and not what he is, I’m positive that the 42%, twice as many as white women, would be substantially lowered.

Curvy Jones

December 29th, 2009
9:25 am

I think their point is ‘there are SO MANY of you’. I think they’re looking at us and asking ‘why, what’s wrong with you?’

To me, by pointing out that we’re successful, they mean ‘and they aren’t ghetto, either!’

They don’t understand it, how such a large portion of a population could be having the same issues, despite being the very definition of a catch.

I go through my periods of time when I ignore this, because it seems to be a revolving door lately. If it’s not that Black women are doomed to die alone forever and ever, it’s that black women and Chinese men are the most undesired of all races and genders, and that black men actually HATE black women and can’t wait to get away from them, ewwwwwwwwww….

At some point I just start to ignore the nonsense.

Every once in while though it hits pretty hard. Because, you know, here I am, in my mid 30’s, great job, I live a good life, and I am alone. And I do have a lot of company in that department. Educated, intelligent, ‘got their isth together’ women… It’s depressing to look around and see yourself in the middle of ‘that group of women they report on all the time.

And honestly… my friends of other races don’t really have the same problem. It’s not like my white friends really have to worry about how light or dark she is, or what texture her hair is, or if her white boyfriend will hang with her for awhile and then decide that Latina or Asian or black women are ‘better’, because white women are so [fill in the blank]. While they do have dating issues, race isn’t something they have to consider, at all. Of all of us, the white friends are more likely to be engaged first, or do the cohabitation thing first.

On the other hand, and the hand I choose to deal with most of the time, I think this stuff gets trotted up when it’s a slow news day, because it’s emotional and it’s gripping and it’s actually real, for some of us. It’s always going to bring a visceral reaction, because for as many women that ignore it and shrug it off, just as many women are going to read it and take it to heart and panic and run out and buy 184 Self Help and ‘How to Trap a Man’ books.

It’s a C-O-N-spiracy!

ImAPeach404

December 29th, 2009
9:28 am

Wise – I posted this video on my FB page yesterday and changed my status msg to mention the 42% statistic. I made sure to include the statement every black man married every black woman, 1 in 12 black women would STILL be single (oh lawd!!!). I had about 60 responses to my post!

My male friends threw out the same ole same ole – black women are gold diggers, they won’t date men who aren’t on the same “level” as them and one friend said because one woman was a prosecutor and the other was a chemist they probably wouldn’t date blue collar guys. It’s like they automatically assumed because these women had achieved a certain level in their career, they wouldn’t accept a man who might be a peg or two (or three) “below” them.

I advised them that when I get off at 5pm, my title doesn’t have anything to do with anything. Especially in my home and as long as he get’s up and goes somewhere in the morning… im good!

If you ask me – the hang up is within the menfolk. They assume a lot…

And I think the point in throwing out the statistics is because it IS fascinating… I mean, really… 42% is high… don’t you wonder why?

Raqi...Feeling like a Million Dollar Bill

December 29th, 2009
9:39 am

The only black women, or any woman for that matter, that is doomed is the one that will never realize that the “style” of man she is looking for just may not be looking for her. Our status in live entitles us to nothing. Aside from some of the other things that make certain people remain without certain things I think the biggest flaw is being fixated on a certain type of somebody. As stated in the entry, there are guys, usually all akin to the same style, that only care about the rotation of women in their circle.

Certain animals will never be domesticated. Stop trying.

If more would give that “other” guy a try they would find that love and relationship happiness comes in many different forms. Give the man of a different race a chance. Stop looking over the super uber intelligent nerds that lack linebacker physiques.

There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want, however settle your mind to realize that you may never get that exact thing. Don’t be so narrow minded as to think your happiness can only be obtained in the form of that specification of an ideal mate that you have fabricated in your mind. Not only are you not entitled to him, he just may not be the one for you.

Raqi...Feeling like a Million Dollar Bill

December 29th, 2009
9:41 am

dw your first sentence hit the nail on the head.

dw

December 29th, 2009
9:44 am

“If you ask me – the hang up is within the menfolk. They assume a lot…”
For real???? I beg to differ. I’ve seen women who are neither a prosecutor, nor a chemist, with that stank unapproachable look on their face just because a guy says hello. I know women who have admitted to pretending to be on their cell phones just so men won’t approach them. The hang up is with unapproachable women who want men to jump through hoops when approaching them. A simple hello should suffice, but nooooo, we have to try to figure out how to be clever with our approach, so that we somehow stimulate an interest from the woman. It’s difficult because on the one hand, women say that don’t like the “Ay shawty, or say mih lady”, but sometimes if you approach them with respect they look at you like you’re a lame. We don’t assume a lot, we’re confused because women send confusing signals.

Alphanista.com

December 29th, 2009
9:45 am

Good points! If a woman wants a man in her life, I believe she can get it, but not by blaming the black man or statistics. It can be very likely that what she is asking for, she has not yet built the capacity to receive. Read up on that. On another note, 42% is high and is cause for concern when one looks at the threat it imposes on family structure and survival.

Tazzee

December 29th, 2009
9:50 am

My reaction to these stories will vary depending on the day. I must agree with dw and Raqi while also agreeing with ImAPeach. Women (not just black women) need to focus on what will make them happy – damn the rest of the world and what they think. And that may result in a woman giving that “other” guy a chance.

At the same time – some blue collar guys do assume that a successful woman won’t give them a chance. I’ve had guys say it to me about me and about my friends. Some guys think that a woman that’s the boss at work, will also try to be the boss at home.

And the guys that have no problem with successful women? Well half of them don’t want to be married anyway.

Raqi...Feeling like a Million Dollar Bill

December 29th, 2009
9:52 am

“…these women believe society thinks they should be dating…”

And another gem in your statement. That is a huge problem right there. Entitlement based on a societal fable. It’s skewed. Many people are in marriages and relationships that are unfulfilling because “society” states that the person they are putting up with is the right person they should be with. Bullcrap. Be with the one the makes you happy. So what if his collar is blue. Or his degree is basic. Or he is an inch shorter than the New average. Big deal. If he makes you happy screw what society thinks.

Raqi...Feeling like a Million Dollar Bill

December 29th, 2009
9:55 am

some blue collar guys do assume that a successful woman won’t give them a chance

Tazzee, that is because so many women have looked over that blue collar guy it become the rule.

And also there are many women that are bosses that do not know how to leave it at work and let the man be the man when at home. That hurts a lot of relationships.

East Point's Own

December 29th, 2009
10:00 am

I was involved in a day long discussion about this exact topic yesterday…someone brought up the possibility that the media or other powers have a conspiracy going aimed to encourage African Americans to date interracially, and weaken the black family structure, on top of the other programs “aimed” at destroying the black family unit such as welfare, housing projects, and poor school systems in our neighborhoods…

I am not saying I agree or disagree, just throwing it out there as a part of this discussion.

http://hispointofview.com

Raqi...Feeling like a Million Dollar Bill

December 29th, 2009
10:01 am

dw, it’s the unapproachables that have a bad case of false entitlement. They feel that they are too good or over and above certain men stepping to them. I would like to know what do they think that is so grand about them that gives them that right.

Anytime a person, not just woman, leads out with their accomplishments and successes they suffer from false entitlement.

My mother taught us we are better than no one but just as good as every body else. Words to live by.

Perception is Reality (truer words have never been spoken)

December 29th, 2009
10:02 am

Besides, I am allergic to cats! (that’s a great ending!)

Why does it seem that the media only pays attention to Black women (BDubs) to report just how EFFED our existence looks to them? My GAWD – just a few months back, we were inundated with news that BDubs are:
~> Dying at a higher rate from breast cancer,
~> Diagnosed in higher numbers with HIV
~> No longer cornering the market on hair weaves. (chuckle)

Can we get some positive reports about BDubs for a change or does that just not sell these days?

dw

December 29th, 2009
10:02 am

“If he makes you happy screw what society thinks.

@Raqi–Exactly!!! I tell the women that work here that all the time. The single ones have a tendency to over-scrutinize women in relationships, especially those that come in from the weekend engaged, or who just got back from their honeymoon. They come to me talking about the flaws in the engaged or married woman’s relationship under the guise of gettng a male’s perpective when they really just want everyone to know the woman’s business. I know most of it is jealousy, so I don’t even entertain the details that they try to tell me, I just say “if she’s happy why aren’t you happy for her?”, it never works but that’s always my response.

Tiff

December 29th, 2009
10:08 am

This topic is too funny to me given a a recent discussion I had with someone.

My recent interaction..

Him: Hello. How are you?

Me: I’m great…and you?

Him: I’m ok. So are you single?

Me: Yes, I am.

Him: So where do you work?

Me: blah blah (no title given just company)

Him: So you’re in school?

Me: Yes…graduate school

Him: So you live with your parents?

Me: (looking confused) um..no

Him: Oh, so you have kids or a roommate?

Me: (still looking confused) Neither

Him: So you have your own place?

Me: Yes

Him: Hmmm…So how do you get to work?

Me: (looking more confused) I drive

Him: So you have your own place, in school, have a job and you have your own car?

Me: Yes

Him: Oh, so you don’t need a man for anything huh?

Me: (dumbfounded) HUH?! How did you reach that conclusion?

Raqi...Feeling like a Million Dollar Bill

December 29th, 2009
10:09 am

Perception blame Michelle Obama. LOL She is a beautiful, educated, successful black woman that now resides in the White House so the focus is on the Black Woman. They can’t stand it. LOL

But seriously, I think it may be a failed attempt by society to answer what has been perceived as a cry out.

East Point's Own

December 29th, 2009
10:10 am

dw I agree with your 9:44 post.

ImAPeach404 WHat folks seem to forget is that there are more women than men in America, and there are more African American women than African American men in America… so it is not possible for every woman to have a man, it is even more impossible for every woman to have a “good” man. I hate when there is a spotlight on the marriage rates of African American… according to the last Census (2000) only 7% of African Americans are a part of an interracial marriage… in my book that is not an epidemic. Especially when compared to the 14% of Hispanics who are in interracial marriages and 16% of Asians are in interracial marriages in the US.

http://www.thefreelibrary.com/Mixed+marriage:+Blacks+are+less+likely+than+other+ethnicities+to…-a0179977356

Raqi...Feeling like a Million Dollar Bill

December 29th, 2009
10:13 am

dw, that another wide spread epidemic. Finding fault to make your stance look better. I have learned to just say to folks when the tend to speak negatively of happy coupledom ‘if that’s what you need to think to make your world much brighter, then go right ahead.’

Raqi...Feeling like a Million Dollar Bill

December 29th, 2009
10:17 am

What’s wrong with interracial marriages? I don’t see the vast majority of other races complaining about it. Everytime I hear someone say that a certain type of woman is taking their men I have to think what entitles you to have that man or think he is yours. Other women are not taking the men, those men are making a choice. Why not widen your options also?

ImAPeach404

December 29th, 2009
10:22 am

I’ve had more of an open mind about dating outside of my race. I tried it a time or two this year. It just wasn’t the same :(
If my current situation doesn’t work out, I am still open to the idea. Sort of.

@dw – If someone is stank, they are just stank. Period. But what I was getting at is the fact that a lot of dudes assume that b/c a woman has reached a certain level in her career, she’s not going to date him. In my FB comments yesterday I had a friend state that he drove trucks and a lot of his coworkers had the same issue – women of a certain “level” weren’t interested in them b/c of their profession. I call foul! And I explained to him that a lot of women (especially black women who tend to marry for love as opposed to paycheck) – myself included – could not be in a relationship where my man was gone all the time driving across county. I am a quality time kind of gal and if a guy I was dating was out of town 5 days out of 7, it would never work. So yes, I would turn down his advances – but not because of his paycheck. Smell me?

“At the same time – some blue collar guys do assume that a successful woman won’t give them a chance.”

Agreed! While I wouldn’t want a truck driver (see above!) I think dudes how work construction are SO sexy! I love a man who is good with his hands and can fix and build stuff. Do you know what an asset is to have a man who can make repairs around the home and not have to waste $ on hired labor!

East Point's Own

December 29th, 2009
10:27 am

I was told that men are intimidated by successful women… I am not that dude… show me a successful & down to earth woman and I will be in heaven. If we can combine our resources we would have a great future.

THE INFAMOUS DK - aka DIRK DIGGLER

December 29th, 2009
10:32 am

Morning.. Dont kill me when I say this… But.. The difference is White Women are raised to be wives and Black Women are raised to that they dont need a man for anything..

ImAPeach404

December 29th, 2009
10:32 am

@EPO – Interesting theory @ 10:00.
And, I think that was their point in stating the 1 in 12 statistic – that there are move AAW than AAM.

ladies do white men even approach you in Atlanta? I hardly EVER get approached by white men here. But, when I was in Miami!!! They were falling over themselves trying to talk to me and my friends.

@Tiff – LOL at that conversation! I cannot tell you how many times I get the “Hey. Whats your name?” “Oh, hi Peach, I’m So-And-So… what do you do?” Really? Already you’re asking about my profession? If I tried that, I’d be all kinds of gold diggers and Pocket Watcher. I’ve started coming up with outrageous professions: Hand model, plumber, mechanic, surrogate mom… It’s fun!

Raqi...Feeling like a Million Dollar Bill

December 29th, 2009
10:32 am

Let me ask you all question based on something my husband and I both agree on when it comes to all this “wronged” relationship talk.

How much does a person’s beginning have on the facts of whether they are truly dating “Up” or “Down”?

I will give you my answer later. I will tell you this, I think it has everything to do with it.

East Point's Own

December 29th, 2009
10:33 am

ImAPeach404 despite what you may have heard ATL is still the south, Miami is not…

Raqi...Feeling like a Million Dollar Bill

December 29th, 2009
10:34 am

Infamous, there is a lot of truth in your statement.

THE INFAMOUS DK - aka DIRK DIGGLER

December 29th, 2009
10:35 am

Peach – Your title after work is not you but for so many it is.. And thats Men and women..

2CPTG......"The Black Nostradamus - "

December 29th, 2009
10:40 am

Enter your comments here

ImAPeach404

December 29th, 2009
10:40 am

If we can combine our resources we would have a great future.

Egggggsactly EPO!!!!

The difference is White Women are raised to be wives and Black Women are raised to that they dont need a man for anything..

@DK – I don’t you’ve said anything worth getting killed for but if I could soften it up a bit… I’d say that WW are raised to take a lot of ish as long as the bills are paid and the kids are taken care of. And maybe BW are raised to take care of ourselves because at the end of the day, thats who you know you can depend on.

In addition, I’d say black men and women aren’t really show the ADDED value of being in a relationship. More-so what you’re LOOSING

dw

December 29th, 2009
10:40 am

@Peach-I’m picking up what you’re putting down. But, I don’t smell you…unless you’re STANK, J/K, LOL.

2CPTG......"The Black Nostradamus - "

December 29th, 2009
10:44 am

ummm, in a nutshell, just what DK said…..y’all don’t like it, but unfortunately, it’s the truth for a lot of y’all…..and to piggyback off EPO, Society/Gov’t has assistd with this mentality by fu*’ up the black family structure…and y’all…yes, y’all, have bought into this bullsh* so what you’re successful, hell, that’s good….so now you don’t need the black man?????

ImAPeach404

December 29th, 2009
10:44 am

@EPO – True, Miami is not the south. I was just stating an observation. Folks are always pushing BW to date ouside our race but dudes outside the race aren’t really checking for us (here).

How much does a person’s beginning have on the facts of whether they are truly dating “Up” or “Down”?

Ehhh, Raqi I have a hard time with this “up/down” and “on your level” idea… I’ll be interested to hear the thoughts.

Your title after work is not you but for so many it is.. And thats Men and women..

@DK – ok. so when you recognize this… move on, right?

Raqi...Feeling like a Million Dollar Bill

December 29th, 2009
10:48 am

My answer…

My husband and I went to the same high school. We lived in the same general area. Our parents shopped at the same stores. We played stick ball and soft ball at the same park. We had mutual friends. Our parents were pretty much within the same income brackets.

He went on to go to college to get himself a higher education and a couple of degrees and do big things. I went on to get married and shortly afterwards found myself a widower and a single mother and did what I had to do to make ends meet. As adults we found ourselves occasionally mingling among mutual friends and seeing each other in passing. 8-1/2 years ago we became a couple. He having a formal education and business enterprise wedded the high school educated single mother with two kids. Because our beginnings pretty much mirror each other we both feel that we united within our means.

So many forget their beginnings and think more highly of themselves than they ought.

East Point's Own

December 29th, 2009
10:48 am

That’s pretty much right Infamous…the whole ” I don’t need a man” thing is very harmful. I will go a step further and say that a lot of African American people (women especially) are taught that they should focus only on education while in college and not be bothered with the opposite sex… while other folks are in college learning and looking for their mate, if not looking for a mate, and learning when they have time…LoL That’s a factor in why people oother ethnicities to marry near age 25 (soon after college), and a lot of our men and women are still dating into our early to mid 30’s.

Now that I think about it look at HCBU’s most of them have strict policies against men and women visiting each other in dorms, and the male & female dorms are often located across campus from each other. WHile at mainstream schools dorms are often co-ed and they don’t have strict restrictions on visitation.

Is the structure of the HCBU a factor in the fact that so many educated black people are not leaving college with relationships that blossom into marriage. I went to FAMU, and I can say that the vast majority of the people I knew in college left college single, and are still single… where many of my friends(black & white) who went to UGA, GSU, Florida State, etc.. left college involved in a long term relationship, and more of them are married today than my FAMU & TSU & AUC alumni friends. I heard so many women in college say that they were not there to get a man, but I think that is an important part of the reason higher education exists… in fact I know that that is a reason that many higher education institutions were founded.

THE INFAMOUS DK - aka DIRK DIGGLER

December 29th, 2009
10:49 am

Peach – Theres just a difference in the way White People are raised as opposed to Black People.. They teach their kids a totally different set of values than we do and one of those values are to be good wives and Husbands.. Honestly how many of us in this forum was sat down or raised that in order to be a good wife/husband there are somethings you need to do in order to keep your wife/husband happy.. I know I wasnt. The only thing my parents told me was take care of your family and do everything to hold your marriage together because if you divorce youve sinned.

ImAPeach404

December 29th, 2009
10:50 am

@DW – LOL!!! Ok! I can dig it!
I’m picking up what you’re putting down… I like that :)

so what you’re successful, hell, that’s good….so now you don’t need the black man?????

@2CPTG – From what I gather, part of the issue is that we want black men and are not trying to date any other race. I dont have one single GF that dates white guys but I have a few single male friends that date white women…

THE INFAMOUS DK - aka DIRK DIGGLER

December 29th, 2009
10:55 am

East Pernt – I heard that and I have a solution for ya.. I went to Tuskegee and I have a ton of Gal Pals I can introduce you to. Seeing as though you went to FAMU you can introduce me to your Gal Pals.. Lets open our dating circle up because its quite a few babes from TU that are simply off limits to me and are always asking if I can hook them up with someone..

2 Can – That goes for you to..
Dan – You Too..

We gonna gone ahead and link like Voltron and put some different faces in different spaces..

I love being the new cat on the scene..

Raqi...Feeling like a Million Dollar Bill

December 29th, 2009
10:58 am

the whole ”I don’t need a man” thing is very harmful

That I agree with. You hear that statement now more than not. That mindset is why so many treat their mates as second-hand instead of a priority.

2CPTG......"The Black Nostradamus - "

December 29th, 2009
11:00 am

“I dont have one single GF that dates white guys but I have a few single male friends that date white women…”

cause the game fucced up! yeah, I said it…..a lot of us (black folks) are of the mindset that success = white! Meaning their cultures, ideals, and the whole nine….

Raqi...Feeling like a Million Dollar Bill

December 29th, 2009
11:00 am

Where did this mutually exclusive mindset evolve from anyway?

Raqi...Feeling like a Million Dollar Bill

December 29th, 2009
11:02 am

a lot of us (black folks) are of the mindset that success = white

2CPTG Do you thing that is why when a lot of AA athletes and movie stars make it big they go white? Or as close to it as possible?

THE INFAMOUS DK - aka DIRK DIGGLER

December 29th, 2009
11:05 am

Peach – Yeah I guess I leave em alone but heck I like a successful woman also.. I just mention it a time or two and if I realize she cant turn off work then yeah its short lived…

I know what my problem is. I like High Maintenence Women. Well dressed, Hair Fixed always, cute shoes and always on point. The flip side of that coin is there is always a hidden agenda with high falooting babes..

2CPTG......"The Black Nostradamus - "

December 29th, 2009
11:05 am

DK, you ain’t said nuttin but a word, bruh……cause all the female friends that I have ask the same thing……they be like, “I know you ain’t no scrub, so I know you got some partners that ain’t either…” so yeah, folk, we can do some’n…..

Noelle Cole

December 29th, 2009
11:06 am

honestly, like most of y’all, i’m tired of hearing about these stats. IMO stats are often off, and even if they’re accurate, that doesn’t mean that they apply to my life. I’m single (unmarried), happy, and content and that’s all that matters. We shouldn’t let news reports or stats dictate our lives

ImAPeach404

December 29th, 2009
11:07 am

@DK – If you guys want to be real about it, WW are taught to date guys with money and who who are going somewhere in life, has a good family, knows people, has an extensive network, and all those other things that have more to do with “business” than “relationship”. Main difference is, it’s accepted in the white community.

I must do some work now :(
Yall have a great day!

East Point's Own

December 29th, 2009
11:07 am

The problem with some people who have found a bit of success while they are single is that they can become unwilling to compromise. If this person has accomplished so much alone they may feel like doing something they don’t want to do for the sake of the relationship, or to help their partner is beneath them. Or they may feel as if its your job to keep up with them if you are to be their mate, and if you can’t keep up 100% of the time, in all things you are not ready to be with them.

We have to realize that we can’t expect to have everything our way all the time when in a relationship. If you and your mate are on the same page you both should agree on a lot of things, but you have to be flexible on the things you don’t agree on. The whole ” I don’t need a man” thing basically causes some women to feel like they never have to compromise, or lose any battles when things are not in agreement.

Tiff

December 29th, 2009
11:11 am

On the “I don’t need a man thing”..I guess I’m guilty of this because I believe that I don’t need one. Do I want a partner for life? Sure. Do I need one like I need air, food, water? No. For me I guess its the difference between a need versus a want which is something that was instilled in me as a child. My parents were always telling me that you don’t need that new dress, you want one and you don’t get everything that you want or you need food to live so eat what you’re given even if you don’t like it. It adapts over the years to You don’t need a man to live so you don’t have to keep one that isn’t treating you right. You just want him and everything you want you don’t need or isn’t good for you.

I can see how using the “i don’t need a man” statement in a different context can be harmful but its just the way I think about it. Semantics? Probably.

anonymousella

December 29th, 2009
11:11 am

i’m not sure which annoys me more, these stories (and this “nightline” piece was one of the better ones, steve harvey aside) or the backlash from black men (and women) about how you wouldn’t be so single if you just settled (or “compromised,” which is a euphemism for settle).

the bourgie chick angle affects relatively few black people, and yet we keep focusing on this narrow sliver of black women. poor black women aren’t getting married either, and marriage is way more important for them and their children. TV news people are awfully fond of stories that reflect their own class privilege, so i suppose the focus on bourgie chicks should be expected.

that said, the backlash? i am SO tired of bitter black men (and their female allies) telling bourgie chicks “if you weren’t so picky, you’d have a man.”

but what, exactly, is so wrong about wanting to marry someone with an education and job prospects if you have an education and job prospects?

2CPTG......"The Black Nostradamus - "

December 29th, 2009
11:12 am

I sure as hell do Raqi……and even though I’m not a fan of Al Sharpton, I gotta give some credence to what he said about Tiger…..I ain’t no hater, but damn, you can’t find ONE sister to holla at?

And in relation to that article, I think there’s another hidden overture that we’re missing…….It asks is the black woman doomed? Why? cause guess what, they (the man/society/whomever) think they’ve already doomed the black man! So naturally, whose next….y’all!!!!!

East Point's Own

December 29th, 2009
11:14 am

I don’t hear too many guys who believe that we should exclusively date within our race, it seems to be coming more from women, from my experience. I don’t know really where this idea comes from, but I say that most men don’t specifically look to date women of other ethnic backgrounds… but dating is like hiring an employee, you want to get the one who stands head and shoulders above the stack of resumes. If a white or asian woman has 80% of what I am looking for in a mate, I probably would not pick the black woman with 75% of what I am looking for, simply because she is black.

There are a few folks who seek to date outside their race, and I don’t understand that… but My past experience has been to date the women who I get along with the best, and who are making moves toward the same goals I have in life, if she is Black, Yellow, or White is one of the factors that matters the least to me.