accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Dating Quid Pro Quo

I find it so fascinating to hear a man’s perspective on dating.  I often wonder what it is like on their end because men can have different expectations. I have talked with men who believe that a successful relationship has a balanced “quid pro quo” (or something for something)  situation.  They think that they offer something to women and expect the same, or something else in return.

Ideally, I suppose it would be beneficial for both people who are dating to feel that they are getting a return on their investment, so to speak.  So what happens when it doesn’t work out that way?

Do you think that dating should be a quid pro quo situation? If women are giving their time, energy, etc. to a guy, what is she expecting from him in return?  When men are seeking to offer their time and energy on a woman, is it appropriate for a quid pro quo situation to exist?

It seems as if balancing it out would be challenging, at best, but shouldn’t we try anyway?

A friend of mine told me that he doesn’t feel the need to be rewarded for chivalry or being a gentleman. It’s just a part of being a grown man. What is the reward for chivalry, though?

206 comments Add your comment

Jeff

December 21st, 2009
9:07 am

The reward for chivalry appears to be getting walked on and taken advantage of. First?

Jeff

December 21st, 2009
9:10 am

Since fewer and fewer women are old-fashioned “ladies”, it only makes sense that there are fewer and fewer men who act as gentlemen. But thanks for the now-easier-to-get-laid environment!

Wings (())

December 21st, 2009
9:16 am

Good Morning All!

Wow…Jeff, I’m sorry that happended to you.

quid pro quo – we can simply start with mutual respect and build on that.

I think I’ll lurk today….

NY2GA, Inc.

December 21st, 2009
9:17 am

I think the first thing is that you have to make sure that you both are on the same page. For example, if u are sharing your time, self, resources to a man thinking that u are in a relationship when from his standpoint u really aren’t in a relationship, then you will never seen a return on your investment. At that point, you’re more invested than he is.

So far as being rewarded, I don’t think anyone deserves a cookie or kudos for doing what they are SUPPOSED to do. However, I do think there are folks that take advantage of nice folks and take them for granted. When that happens you want to stop doing what you’re supposed to do and sometimes u become hardened to others. Nevertheless, you can’t stop being who you are. You just have to extend those efforts to people that can appreciate it and are worth it. Everybody ain’t worth it.

abc

December 21st, 2009
9:29 am

Chivalry is its own reward.

TexasBoy

December 21st, 2009
9:31 am

Most guys are just chivalrous until they get the goods and then they will be who they really are. Now days a lot of women don’t care appreciate a man who exhibits chivalry or manners or politeness . So why bother?

czBrat

December 21st, 2009
9:38 am

GM All!

awwwwww, abc. i’m luvin those words :) and to all the gentlemen , as has been pointed out repeatedly on the blog, there are lots of trifling women out there. don’t let it change who you are. a deserving woman will come your way.

i do believe that any relationship should have it’s give and take. it’s up to the individuals involved to make their expectations known and be honest about what they bring to the table. if the equation works …. it’s on!

Wonderwoman

December 21st, 2009
9:42 am

I think the making of a successful relationship is balance.
You want or expect “something’ out of the relationship.\It depends on what that something is. It could be a smile, affection, stability, financial, or sex. We all want something. But sometimes I think to have balance in a relationship it is either there or it isnt’. Balance for me is when you have peace, and things just happen naturally in the relationship.

And I think its silly for a man to think he should be rewarded for chivalry. Chivalry is kindness, shouldn’t a man just expect the same kindness in return.

Wonderwoman

December 21st, 2009
9:50 am

There are women who appreciate a real man, that shows chivalry. There are the lame men that just try to look cool.

Luvbug

December 21st, 2009
9:52 am

The reward for chivalry appears to be getting walked on and taken advantage of

Now days a lot of women don’t care appreciate a man who exhibits chivalry or manners or politeness

Examples please?!…ones that include most women or ones that most men encounter.

czBrat

December 21st, 2009
9:55 am

Balance for me is when you have peace, and things just happen naturally in the relationship. WW, that’s always been my point of view. i’m afraid “peace” is lacking with my s/o at the moment :cry: we’re grappling with how much each should realistically be expected to change to better fit the other’s expectations. having been single for a looooong time (after being married for a looooong time), i’m definitely struggling with this.

Cool Shadow

December 21st, 2009
10:03 am

I believe that every relationship has a quid pro quo component; the differentiation is in the balance of said relationship. Idealistically, you have a 50/50 balance, however, depending on the relationship the balance can also be 52/48, 60/40 or 99/1. As NY2GA stated, you have to be on the same page, and having that makes it easier to try to achieve a 50/50 balance.

As for chivalry, I always assumed it was a given to being a gentleman although its distressing when some women clamor for it but can’t recognize it or take it as a weakness.

2CPTG........tit for tat!

December 21st, 2009
10:09 am

mornin…..

unfortunatly, we live in a quid pro quo society…..so ummm, yeah, if I’m investing in you, I expect some “thing” in return…….not necessarily on the sex tip, either, but something; show me I’m not the only one in this thing.

Wonderwoman

December 21st, 2009
10:14 am

cbrat- it is work, you just have to talk through it and work at it, I hope things work out.

i'm swiss

December 21st, 2009
10:14 am

I’m with abc on this one. The whole idea of chivalry is that you conduct yourself that way because that is who you are and how you choose to behave, not because you are expecting something in return. It’s pretty obvious when there are ulterior motives to a guy’s supposed gentlemanly gestures — i.e. holding a door for a woman but drooling all over yourself, staring at her arse as she passes.

Maybe I’m just extremely lucky, but I can’t recall ever encountering a woman who seemed completely unappreciative of some gentlemanly courtesy. Not that it matters, anyway. It’s really all about civility and manners, and that goes to the core of who you are as a person, reciprocity or no.

And as it applies to relationships, if a woman doesn’t appreciate a gentleman, then she doesn’t appreciate me and there will be no relationship to begin with. There’s nothing ungentlemanly about moving on to someone who appreciates you for the man that you are.

Tazzee

December 21st, 2009
10:26 am

Morning Folks!

I believe there is an underlying notion of quid pro quo in relationships. Simply because – as 2Can said – I’m not going to invest in anything where there’s no return. It’s not going to be the same thing – I’m not expecting time for time or money for money but I do expect that peace that Wonderwoman mentioned. Ultimately when you decide to commit yourself to someone it comes naturally. I want my mate to be happy, content and at peace and he wants the same for me. In trying to please one another, we both get a return on our investment.

Cool Shadow

December 21st, 2009
10:29 am

Examples please?!…ones that include most women or ones that most men encounter. - Luvbug

When opening a door for a woman, she refuses to say thanks, acting as if she did it herself magically

Bring her flowers and she makes some comment about, “why do that, they’re gonna die”

Past the first or second date (maybe even the third), her refusal to offer any support for entertainment costs, claiming that she was raised that a man ‘pays for everything’, acting like she’s a consultant and you are paying for her time

I need to state that certainly not all women are like that, thankfully. ;)

Sexy is SCool.

December 21st, 2009
10:34 am

Witty Wisdom Week – Tell me what you need and I will tell you how to get along without it.

Sexy is SCool.

December 21st, 2009
10:35 am

I am adding my amens to the viewpoint of wanting, even if not expecting, something in return for our efforts.

Sexy is SCool.

December 21st, 2009
10:36 am

Kimmie – Text me.

Melo

December 21st, 2009
10:36 am

Do you think that dating should be a quid pro quo situation?

Ofcourse! altho our expectations as men or for women out there are not all the same.Some want more others want less and can do with less.

Some women want gangsta men who can just be there without the chilvary stuff others expect a different type of man and all that chilvary stuff,others dont.

Dream_n~Feel'n all warm and tingly inside!

December 21st, 2009
10:37 am

Ultimately I just want to be in a relationship that makes us both happy.

Sure there’s going to be work, there’s going to be times where you have to compromise, there’s going to times when you want to run for the hills.. and vice versa for your mate….

But in the end I(most people) want to have the sense of knowing that the other person is going to be putting in just as much love,hard work, and endurance that you are…

As far as the chivalry question… Chivalry is nothing but good manners and respect something that any adult should have anyway…

I don’t know what woman wouldn’t appreciate that..

Luvbug

December 21st, 2009
10:50 am

@Cool Shadow

Come on now…there are women REFUSING to say thank you when you open the door. Sometimes people forget or are talking or in a zone or say it on the first but not the third set of doors. I open the door for elders and they don’t always say thanks but I know they are grateful. Why so personal? You think she’s making a conscious decision to REFUSE you a thanks?

Flowers? That’s seems rude…might I suggest you buy her fake flowers (one obviously fake rose) the next time.

You already thinking about us chipping in on the second/third date? Dang. Is this normal?

I’m glad I asked this question…because I would love to know what is normal nowadays. This is the first time I’ve heard a guy whine about things guys do like opening doors and paying for entertainment until a relationship is defined as more than a friendship.

What other changes should today’s women know about?

czBrat

December 21st, 2009
10:53 am

LMAO @ there’s going to times when you want to run for the hills.. and vice versa for your mate…. :lol: :lol:

i hear ya girl! i have to work real hard at staying in “share our lives” mode. and thanx for this one too … the other person is going to be putting in just as much love,hard work, and endurance that you are…

Luvbug

December 21st, 2009
10:53 am

I take back whining – I know you being honest…but this is shocking to me.

Professor...in a great space

December 21st, 2009
10:56 am

Happy Melo’s Monday to all!

Wassup Dream_n, Melo and Leggs

Well I am going to lurk on this topic. I would like to think and some has pointed out chivalry is just good manners plain and simple. Hell I show good manners I hold doors and elevators. I allow elderly people to advance the line or have a seat…I do this for expecting mothers as well. I hope that we all hold each other to good manners and not expect this for that.

Professor...in a great space

December 21st, 2009
11:00 am

Who all is cooking for Christmas? Do you all have your menus together?

Sexy is SCool.

December 21st, 2009
11:07 am

The 80% discount at Restaurant.com is still going on. Coupon Code – SANTA.

THE INFAMOUS DK aka MR FRESH BAKED BREAD

December 21st, 2009
11:08 am

Ok this is gonna be one of those days.. Ladies.. Just because you are giving me your time.. SO! Because just like youre giving me your time Im giving you mine..

There is no reward for chivalry, thats just how you were raised but I do expect in return that you be a lady and play your position.. Understand I wear the pants and you wear a skirt.. Im not being chauvanistic when I say that but Men and Women need to understand the roles they play for each other.. Its not about me telling you what you need to be doing or that you have to listen to me, but its also not about you being the neck that turns the head or you changing me into the dude you want me to be.. Its a partnership where you understand where you arent good I take that lead and where youre good you take that lead.. Be a refuge for each other.. Stop thinking your girl knows you better than your man.. Tell him what you tell your girl because when you do he is better equipped to be a better dude for you..

Dream_n~Feel'n all warm and tingly inside!

December 21st, 2009
11:11 am

Hey there Prof!!

Umm as far as the menu.. Unfortunately it’s going to kinda mimick the Thanksgiving menu… :(

Dream_n~Feel'n all warm and tingly inside!

December 21st, 2009
11:12 am

Mannn some people are going to be miserable for the rest of their lives if they don’t start letting go of the past…

Mr. Unknown

December 21st, 2009
11:13 am

Chivalry from men should be considered as an effort, it takes energy to open a door. Its draining not to get a smile, a thank you, ect.. time after time..

Someone stated earlier that (we)men shouldn’t let such things affect us. I say pffffff!! When I allow the elevator doors to close in you and your infants FaCe. Maybe just maybe it was because I was zoned out or talking on the phone, maybe it was because Im selfish, or just too lazy to put for such an effort.. Lol!! oh happy X-mas

Mo (aka Moeisha)

December 21st, 2009
11:13 am

Mawnin all

Professor I’ll sit with you over here and lurk, nothing much to add to this one just yet.

As for Christmas, menus are together and Im off duty!! :0) As far as cooking anyway however I will be playing co-hostess to my parents since they have everyone over to their house Christmas day for dinner.

Professor...in a great space

December 21st, 2009
11:15 am

I always like to change it up for Christmas. After eating Thanksgiving at work, at home with family and with a few organizations I am affiliated with…by the time Christmas gets here I am tired of that mess. Usually we switch it up a little. I am trying to remix my menu and go from there. I know a lot of people like to eat that stuff again on New Years…no ma’am give me some seafood on New Years

Sexy is SCool.

December 21st, 2009
11:19 am

Dream’n – Expect those promised recipes in your inbox by the end of the day today. I didn’t forget about you.

Professor...in a great space

December 21st, 2009
11:19 am

Mannn some people are going to be miserable for the rest of their lives if they don’t start letting go of the past…

I so agree, as I sing Bag Lady

Dream_n~Feel'n all warm and tingly inside!

December 21st, 2009
11:20 am

I am so with you Prof…

I wanted to tone it down and do something simple, but the mom’s wants to go all out again…

She took me off sweet potatoe duty :(

Morning Mo!!

Cool Shadow

December 21st, 2009
11:24 am

@Luvbug

I’m not talking about the occasional overlooked acknowledgement by a woman who’s in a zone chatting up friends or handling several children; I realize that sometimes happens. But when a woman gives you eye contact and is fully aware that she didn’t open the door and breezes by as if she’s royalty and you’re … well, just a doorman, that’s the scenario I was focusing on.

As for the flowers, the better idea may be to just not present them and eliminate all confusion.

What’s wrong with chipping in dates, especially after some affinity or desire to be in each other’s company has been established? Whether it’s the first, third or tenth date, when or if to chip in is subject to the couple; I pulled arbitrary dating milestones to get my point across. I’m not going belabor the point at which (or if) this should happen because it’s out of topic and probably has already been discussed.

This is the first time I’ve heard a guy whine about things guys do like opening doors and paying for entertainment until a relationship is defined as more than a friendship.

In your 9:52 post you asked for examples of when chivalry was being taken advantage of, and I presented situations that happened from personal experience. Luvbug, I’m not whining, I’m simply answering your question.

Professor...in a great space

December 21st, 2009
11:26 am

Ahhh man Dream!

You need to make those sweet potatoes again, or try an apple pie or something. Even if you use the frozen pie crust I can tell you how to hook it up or get this book called the Cake Mix Doctor and do your thing!

I have a menu I am playing with but I am not 100% sure of it. I need to chat with my family

Tim the tool man Taylor says

December 21st, 2009
11:29 am

Tim says that everyone should try free x-mas,,, Thats where you find or do things that are free as a gift. That way its a more personal gift, from the heart. Doesn’t that sound like a great holiday adventure?

czBrat

December 21st, 2009
11:29 am

HiYa Professor! Christmas will be just me & Thing One this year (unless, God willing, Thing Two is released before then). :cry: I’ll make the traditional ham & greens along with our own family favorite (again) coconut rice n’ peas. She’ll make the peanut butter/chocolate cookies for dessert. Dunno what other sides I’ll throw in, but I’m determined to take a break from mac’n cheese and mashed potatoes. Our families get together for Thanksgiving, but everyone does Christmas in their own homes in their own way. The munchkins and I typically spend the day curled up watching movies.

Tim the tool man Taylor says

December 21st, 2009
11:32 am

Enter your comments here

THE INFAMOUS DK aka MR NO BOLOGNEY ALL CHEESE

December 21st, 2009
11:33 am

I find it amazing that people on this blog…..(Insert Villanous Comments Here)………. This was a warning…

Professor...in a great space

December 21st, 2009
11:41 am

Hey czBrat! I am thinking about doing my lemon sesame collards…they are so good! They are a lot different than the southern style greens. I hope thing two is released I know that would put the Merry in your Christmas. One year we did an Italian syle Christmas. I forgot to mention that one of my good friends went to Sam’s a few years ago and purchased some nice steaks and put those babies on the grill with potatoes and a salad…I would do that but we do not eat beef and pork.

2CPTG........tit for tat!

December 21st, 2009
11:44 am

DK……you know what I find funny about some of the folks on this blog….that they’re full of shyt!!! lotta of ‘em try to come off politically correct (men and women), say the “right” thing, all that…..then, if you so happen to meet ‘em in person, they’re the total opposite! Now, I will give credit to the folks that I’ve met, are who they say they are…..then, I’ve met some faker than a $3.00 bill……ain’t gon mention ‘em….but that shyt kills me….I’m like damn, who cares if you stand out, you’re invisible!!!!!

cain’t nobody tell you I portray some’n I’m not……

Dream_n~Feel'n all warm and tingly inside!

December 21st, 2009
11:45 am

Scool.. thanx, maybe I can use one of those recipies to surprise everyone.. I’ll have 3 days of practicing..lol

The munchkins and I typically spend the day curled up watching movies.

That sounds fun :)

czBrat

December 21st, 2009
11:50 am

Dream_n, the older they get, the more precious those times are. Trust! next year my kids turn 21 and 18 … talk about milestones!! :) i appreciate that three times a year (mother’s day, my b-day and Xmas) they set aside being ‘grown’ and just hang with mama :)

2CPTG........tit for tat!

December 21st, 2009
11:51 am

speakin of credit, I gotta give Sexy her props….real stand up chic…..fa real….Crazy, Sexy, and cool…..tom’bout stand in the paint type chic….you’on find ‘em like that no ‘mo…….

keep doin’ yo thang Sexy!

2CPTG........tit for tat!

December 21st, 2009
11:52 am

and Tazz…..ain’t no fakin in these gals…..

THE INFAMOUS DK aka MR NO BOLOGNEY ALL CHEESE

December 21st, 2009
11:53 am

2Can – Yeah I can see it and thats what kills me.. People changing monikers to say what you cant say to someone over a blog that dont know you anyway.. I dont understand how they look at themselves in the mirror.

Suckas sneak dissing and that ain’t how we play. You f**k with mine you catch Drama like the D.J.. Now tell me I ain’t real. That AR that I’m holding got a Gangsta Grill