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Breakup Etiquette

If you are one of those individuals that decided to break up with someone to avoid giving gifts and holiday craze, stay classy!  This is the type of behavior that gets filed as bad breakup etiquette.

A friend of mine was telling me that he doesn’t think there is such a thing as good etiquette when you are dumping someone.  There is simply no good way of saying I don’t want to sleep with you anymore. Fair enough,  but that doesn’t mean you get to act like a total jerk, either.

I’m beginning to wonder if the disappearing act is the nicest way to dump someone. Is it the lesser of all the evils? Perhaps, if you consider having an awkward conversation about why you aren’t going to work our gut wrenching torture. In comparison, fading away can look to be easiest, but not to the person who is left wondering what happened.

In your experiences, do you have good breakup etiquette? Can you outright tell someone that they aren’t the one?  When things start to go south, why does it take people so long to speak up and admit it to each other?

A strange question, but what is the best breakup you’ve ever had? How many of your exes do you still respect and love? What do you think prevented your breakup from becoming a bad episode of Cheaters?

301 comments Add your comment

THE INFAMOUS DK aka MR. FRESH BAKED BREAD

December 15th, 2009
2:28 pm

Dreams Materialize – Never keep what you didnt pay for….

Seriously.. I think its chi chi to get the ring back.. I bought it for her so she can keep it and turn it into a cool necklace and earrings.

Melo

December 15th, 2009
2:28 pm

@Dan

true,but even Barack sounds tame in comparison with some of these names..
Even with an Ivy league background,to some his is a kenyan muslim possibly terrorist.

we gotta do better i think coz some of these names is just like digging graves for our kids in the business world.

THE INFAMOUS DK aka MR. FRESH BAKED BREAD

December 15th, 2009
2:30 pm

Leggs – Cute..

Dan

December 15th, 2009
2:32 pm

@Melo

The name means little to nothing. My given name has never been a problem.

It’s about talk game and experience. Get me an interview, and I’ll get the job.

Besides, why would anyone wanna be Peter, Mark, John, or whatever bland name?

DreamsMaterialize

December 15th, 2009
2:32 pm

DK
I’ve never asked for a gift back, and I’ve never given one back. I’ve also never paid 3 months salary for any gift, including a ring. Don’t ever plan on it either.

Dream_n~ Honorary GA Peach

December 15th, 2009
2:33 pm

I’m with you on this one.. Melo.

Thegrdiva

December 15th, 2009
2:35 pm

Way late on the convo..I have to admit that I’ve been way horrible…sending a text msg to break up…I know very pittiful. I just didn’t want to hear all of the hollering, cussin, fussing and in the end….cryin…btw..I changed my number right after that…:)

Thegr8diva

December 15th, 2009
2:36 pm

Way late on the convo..I have to admit that I’ve been way horrible…sending a text msg to break up…I know very pittiful. I just didn’t want to hear all of the hollering, cussin, fussing and in the end….cryin…btw..I changed my number right after that…:)

Melo

December 15th, 2009
2:37 pm

Get me an interview, and I’ll get the job.

i can beleive that.

The hard part will be getting the interview.

U know us black folks make a lot of noise(good and bad) but remember,we only represend about 13 % in america.
Thats means the other majority out there controls ur destiny smehow.
only that super talented giy with a wack name wil rise head and shlder,the mediocre in the middle who may have made it,wont get the looks.
Give them a chance!

THE INFAMOUS DK aka MR. FRESH BAKED BREAD

December 15th, 2009
2:37 pm

Honestly if you ask for it back youre being petty.. I aint gonna ask for it back, to do what.. Go pawn it.. Nah baby you keep everything I bought you but stay tuned… And watch for the hook.

Dan

December 15th, 2009
2:39 pm

Also, it’s case law that an engagement ring is not the property of the recepient unless the contract is fulfilled.

Meaning, if [one] keeps the ring after not accepting the proposal, the giver could ask for the ring back or the value of the purchase.

SexyCool - Imagine Me.

December 15th, 2009
2:42 pm

Life is a play to win situation. I will take advantage of what I can when I can (as long as it doesn’t compromise my integrity – notice I didn’t say YOUR integrity.)

If using my middle name on a resume (or even just my initials) gets my foot in the door, best believe, the interviewer will be calling me C.C. like a mug.

Raqi

December 15th, 2009
2:43 pm

Infamous, for those that do ask for the ring back, I wonder how many have regifted it to another unsuspecting woman?

Yeah you can get it back and sell it but the resale on jewelry is not that great. But I guess for some getting back a little is enough to sooth their broken heart.

Leggs

December 15th, 2009
2:43 pm

You are right, Dan!

M. (pronouced M dot)

December 15th, 2009
2:44 pm

@Everyone

We talked about the breakup etiquette, but is there a special Get Back Together or Rebound Etiquette?

Leggs

December 15th, 2009
2:44 pm

That was a good comeback, Raqi! Tiger could have written that. But the way things are going, he may need to take up Sir Mix-A-Lot’s song, I like big butts (on white girls).

Raqi

December 15th, 2009
2:45 pm

Meaning, if [one] keeps the ring after not accepting the proposal

But Dan, what if the woman accepts the proposal but the two breakup 1 year later two months before the wedding? She accepted the proposal. Does she not get to keep the ring?

I am whatever you say I am

December 15th, 2009
2:46 pm

Tijuana and Chiciquilla will propbably won’t go as far in their career as Jessica or Katherine would.

Raqi

December 15th, 2009
2:46 pm

Raqi

December 15th, 2009
2:47 pm

is there a special Get Back Together or Rebound Etiquette?

Yeah, Mdot, it’s don’t make the same mistake twice. Stay mindful of the mistakes made the first go round and try to do better.

Dan

December 15th, 2009
2:48 pm

@Raqi

It depends. If his conduct (at that point) caused her to renege on the contract, a case could be argued that she could keep the ring. If there is no malignant behavior on his part, then no.

Dan

December 15th, 2009
2:50 pm

@I am

Not necessarily, like SC you may feel it necessary to abbreviate the name or even shorten it to get the job. Once you have your position, tell HR you want your full name on your check Ronquisha Jankins

Sassy Me...juicy fruit..feeling yummy with 9 days til my birthday :-)

December 15th, 2009
2:54 pm

I think its chi chi to get the ring back.. I bought it for her so she can keep it and turn it into a cool necklace and earrings.

That’s why I heart you DK. When I was in college I went throught this “I only date Caribbean men” cause I’m Trini weeeell…for about a year I dated a guy from The V.I.(St. Thomas) and whenever he got angry with me he would take away whatever he’d given me recently until he “felt like” giving them back to me. That happened once and the second time I told him to keep it and to kick rocks….dammit.

I am whatever you say I am

December 15th, 2009
2:54 pm

@ Dan you receive the resumes of Tijuana ,Chiciquilla , Jessica , and Katherine . All of them have outstanding resumes and the qualifications that you are looking for.
You firm is primarily caucasion and you already have enough minorities to fit the quota of afirmative action.
No you tell me who you are going to call.

DreamsMaterialize

December 15th, 2009
3:00 pm

If an employer thinks my name is somehow a reflection of my abilities and work ethic, then I don’t want to work there. His logic is faulty and not representative of a proficient business person. Someone who wants to maximize benefit to the company won’t care about a name, and that’s the company I’d rather work for. But to Melo’s point, if you’re not confident that you’re the best at what you do, then you have to use all these little tricks to get employers to give you a shot.

Dan

December 15th, 2009
3:01 pm

@I am

There is no such things as affirmative action quotas.

However, if I feel the person(s) is/are qualified, then sure I would call if I felt they would be good for the company.

???

December 15th, 2009
3:03 pm

Hell, I ain’t the one that called Tiger that. He made that ish up himself.

i know dat’s right! naw, you didn’t want to be black so keep right on rolling being everything but. philanderer at best. lol

i don’t get it either, how somma ya’ll wanna revert back. i get trying to hit again but for close to a a year?! that’s wild. at first i was mad hurting and chanting daily, “imma be alright.” now? not even tempted to answer the phone. as much as it pains me to say, your lost buddy.

names? i was told by a friend of mine when i first started here to identify myself on my resume by the first two initials of my name cause most black women names(although neither my first nor last) end with “a”, vanessa, aneisha, camelia, regina, alisha, katina, felicia, fantasia, wanda, gina, cynthia, virginia, tonya, tomeka, tierra, renita, lisa, roshanda, pamela, tamala, juanita, anita, loretha,tisha, breanna, debra, diana, sara, shalonda, angela, tawanna, tamara, kia, sherita, linda, tanisha, deidra, clarissa, loretta, erica, triketa, trenecia, sandra,bionca, wonita, fanita, canita, bonita, carla, barbara, danita, manita, malaysia, esoterica, quashanda, honda, hohunda, falunda, secunda, rowanda, mayonda, wentunda, nowanda, kenya, africa, maretta, baptista, calita, tonaca, ricola, mojita, sahara, gala, godzilla

???

December 15th, 2009
3:08 pm

chocola, motorola, crayola, payola, colada, porsha (portia the old school version), merriweatha, tadasha, mufasa

I am whatever you say I am

December 15th, 2009
3:08 pm

I am grateful my parents gave me a name that is not difficult to spell or pronounce and I am grateful that when you look at my resume or talk to me on the phone, you are not able to decipher my race which keeps you focus on the main issue at hand

Sassy Me...juicy fruit..feeling yummy with 9 days til my birthday :-)

December 15th, 2009
3:08 pm

falunda, secunda,

Them’s twins….

M. (pronouced M dot)

December 15th, 2009
3:10 pm

@Raqi

Ok. So you never went back before?

???

December 15th, 2009
3:10 pm

Your birthname is your birthname

until racala swanson gets your resume tossed

Grace

December 15th, 2009
3:10 pm

??? LOL @ godzilla…good lawd

???

December 15th, 2009
3:11 pm

Them’s twins…

sisters and auntie

Melo

December 15th, 2009
3:11 pm

But to Melo’s point, if you’re not confident that you’re the best at what you do, then you have to use all these little tricks to get employers to give you a shot.

DreamsMaterialize

im an immigrant,african at that and we dont get fair shots.U are on a diff planet.

I have a very english first name..i used to get calls from recruiters all the time,when i was looking,and a lot of times,its coz of my english name and resume,i know that.
Smetimes they wld call me and leave very elaborate info on my phone about the job etc..So when i called them back, i already know what they called me for.
But it gets cold once they hear u speak.Its like I came from Zambunda on same day, on the 5.00 am plane.They then wishy wash u and say:

” “ooohh ok,next time we have smething that fits ur profile,we call u”

u neva get that interview.

Ms Chelle

December 15th, 2009
3:17 pm

There is no ‘PROPER ETIQUETTE’ to breakup with someone…hell be like NIKE….JUST DO IT :)

DreamsMaterialize

December 15th, 2009
3:22 pm

Who cares about a name? I don’t care if they can decipher my race or not. It shouldn’t matter, and it won’t matter when they see my credentials. On any day, you can put my resume with 9,999 others. For 9,994 of those, there’s no way you could justify to yourself, your boss, or anyone that you chose them over me for any reason at all, especially a name. If one of the remaining 5 gets picked over me, then I guarantee it’ll be because they simply outperformed me. I also look at resumes, and NEVER have I made a hiring decision based on a name. Can you add value to the company? If I determine the answer to be yes, then we can talk further.

Dream_n~ Honorary GA Peach

December 15th, 2009
3:23 pm

I heart Melo.. I can definately understand your position.

I’m not sure what category my name fits in, but I know how to work the hell outta an interview. When I talk over the phone, you’d assume I was prolly a white woman, but once I get in the interview, I have that IT factor. I’m relatable, impressionable, solid manners, intriguing, all that…

Currently, the only blk woman/person at my company and the youngest…

Damn did I really just toot my own horn like that :lol: … LMAO

Brandon St. Randy

December 15th, 2009
3:24 pm

I will say some women (I can only really talk about black women because I don’t know that many white women frankly) shoot themselves in the foot pretty early. Give you an example: I was at a bougie birthday party the other day and I was talking to a couple of girls I’d met previously who were sitting at the bar, and the talk of course went to relationships. I asked them why they were all together in their “safety cluster” with their backs to the party, and they replied that they expected a man to come over and get to campaigning. Which is fine, but for the fact that there were a million other pretty girls mixing and mingling within the party itself, so they were essentially taking themselves out of the game. I was talking to one and when we talked about bringing things to a relationship, I mentioned I could build her a house. Her knee-jerk reaction was “I can build a house myself!” I had to explain to her what a turnoff that was. I don’t know if it’s a BW thing but there does seem to be this huge emphasis on the part of our women on being socioeconomic equals vs. a great partner.

Being a true partner means being complementary and bringing things to the table your partner doesn’t, not just being able to do the same thing. I mean it’s great that we have two houses now, but wouldn’t it be better to have one house where someone cooks, the kids are cared for and tutored, the grass is cut, and someone picked out nice furniture? I think a lot of people miss that.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit..feeling yummy with 9 days til my birthday :-)

December 15th, 2009
3:28 pm

When I talk over the phone, you’d assume I was prolly a white woman, but once I get in the interview, I have that IT factor. I’m relatable, impressionable, solid manners, intriguing, all that…

It’s called charrrisma(using me best Latina tongue rrroll on that “rrr”) :mrgreen:

Lurker

December 15th, 2009
3:32 pm

Brandon St. Randy

Maybe you should scale back to why women, black especially, are killing all their chances by being independant and not chasing men.

Leggs

December 15th, 2009
3:34 pm

“I asked them why they were all together in their “safety cluster” with their backs to the party, and they replied that they expected a man to come over and get to campaigning.”

That has got to be the craziest thing I read since waking up!

Dream_n~ It's that charisma that get's em everytime!

December 15th, 2009
3:34 pm

lol @ Sassy.. Yes indeed ma’am.. That’s what it is.. :grin:

Dream_n~ It's that charisma that get's em everytime!

December 15th, 2009
3:35 pm

I’m with you Leggs…

Leggs

December 15th, 2009
3:35 pm

@Brandon St. Randy ~ you did say you went to a bougie party….everyone up in that camp is probably FAKE! And, that knee jerk reaction about she can build her own house only meant she knew how to build a paper doll house!

Leggs

December 15th, 2009
3:37 pm

I can see them now w/backs to the party and a gentleman walks up and taps one on the shoulder. She immediately looks him from head to toe in a blink of an eye all w/o a smile wondering why he left so fast w/o asking her her name!

Leggs

December 15th, 2009
3:39 pm

sorry for the run-on sentence….

THE INFAMOUS DK aka MR. FRESH BAKED BREAD

December 15th, 2009
3:41 pm

Ok so since everyone knows better dont name your kids no foolishness. Let the name curse go end with you.

DreamsMaterialize

December 15th, 2009
3:41 pm

Melo
C’mon Melo we’re on the same planet man. My last name is very obviously latino. Have people tossed my resume because of that? Probably. I’m not saying that people don’t make decisions based on names, but I’m saying I don’t care. You’re saying that there were probably some missed opportunities because you are an immigrant and African. Do you really want to work for someone who doesn’t like immigrants and Africans? If you don’t like what I bring to the table, then keep your job.

SexyCool - Imagine Me.

December 15th, 2009
3:44 pm

A ghetto sounding ass name ain’t got nothing to do with how good I think I may or may not be.

It’s dumb to not use whatever you can to even the playing field. We’re already paying the hell outta the ‘Black Tax’ as it is.

And to Dan’s point, regardless of what you have on the resume or what they call you, your check is going to be made out to your legal name regardless. Case in point, I bet ain’t ayl-nayl one of Elgin Woods’ checks made out to Tiger.