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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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Go Deeper

One of the best part of going out with someone new is exploring their personality.  Not only are you putting in face time to determine how strong your attraction is, you also get to discover the way they think.

When things are going well, you move past the shallow conversations and small talk. I love to go deeper in conversations and find out how much we are alike, how we differ, and even learn something new.

Once you go below the surface, you find out what a person is truly passionate about. In my experience, this is how you manage to get to a second and third dates.  You both are so captivated by the conversation, you can’t wait for another opportunity to, well go deeper!

It is always a great sign when you can have a great discussion with someone you are attracted to.  I think that a person’s dating conversation can make or break a date.  Have you ever been  on a second date with someone whose conversation left you confused, annoyed, or bored? Trust me, if you struggle with this, it’s something you should work on.

What do you like to discuss on a date? If you find out that you are intellectually unmatched, do you think your attraction to the person would fade?

Update: Check out our fabulous Atlanta Bargain Hunger blog! Today, Miss Cash covers  Cheap Date Ideas perfect for the holiday season!

493 comments Add your comment

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray/With 17 more days til my Bday

December 10th, 2009
10:38 am

@ Lady J

Girl let loose!!! j/k

Humor is a great way to break the ice sometimes when you’re a little nervous. It can make the atmosphere a little more loose… try it!!

Wonderwoman

December 10th, 2009
10:38 am

Dan- to read “But in the beginning, I want to get to know you(all of you).” To me is rare, I don’t maybe its the men I know. But I always hear lets go slow, time will reveal things.

Is me just me, or some men it takes longer to get the deep conversations.

Dan

December 10th, 2009
10:40 am

@Prof

I can dig it, to each his/her own.

But the only thing that comes out of me in an activity date is my competitiveness. And beating someone in bowling or racing (because letting her win is not in the cards) is not conducive to getting to know a person.

SexyCool - Favorite Color: Red

December 10th, 2009
10:40 am

I am as interested in a person’s small talk as I am their ‘deep’ talk. Everything shouldn’t be all deep and ish all the damn time. Lighten dahell up and have some fun. Hell, I wanna talk about J Lo falling at the music award show or what kind of Cadillac Tiger was driving or how I won my fantasy league game by half a point this week (Sorry, Taz.)

Hell, dating should be lighthearted and fun. Yes, the actual relationship building of it requires work and digging deeper, but even some of that should be enjoyable.

Lady J

December 10th, 2009
10:42 am

I will Dream_n and I am going to doing something that is so rude but NOT be on the BB this evening…It is a habit I am getting sick of….He even mention it on our sec date back in sept but tonight I am going to be fully attentive and appreciate the moment and laugh and smile!:)

Dan

December 10th, 2009
10:42 am

@WW

It might be rare, it’s me though.

I get nothing from banal conversations or going through the motions of ‘dating for dating’ sakes. I’ma on the sleeve kinda dude, what you see is what you get.

Now, I’m not telling my life story on 1st, 2nd date; but I’ll do what I can to let her know about me and my level of interest.

kinderbabe

December 10th, 2009
10:44 am

Wonderwoman-for the men who take longer to get into to deeper convos it may be that they don’t want anything deep. when you’re just interested in a surface relationship there’s not need to talk about anything important. they are just buying time til they get to the bedroom or wherever the “deed” takes place…lol. for some it’s just that simple.

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray/With 17 more days til my Bday

December 10th, 2009
10:45 am

Professor

I am with you on the idea of doing something completely opposite as to the norm of dating. While dinner can be informative, I’d rather be kicking your butt in a game of bowling. Then sitting back talking about how I can help you with your skillz the next time we play.

Raqi

December 10th, 2009
10:45 am

While it is nice to know what gives a person motivation it is also just as important to pay attention to the little things. The things that some may think insignificant.

Knowing what makes me cry is getting in deep but knowing how to make me smile shows you care.

Life is deep. The cares of this world are heavy. Being able to find the lighthearted and enjoy each other to the fullest amid all that exist is where I have to be with one.

Balance is the key. One can be too serious and stifled just like another can be too silly and frivolous. Find balance, you find peace.

Avoid those that will not let you in as well as those that lack a level of mystery.

Lady J

December 10th, 2009
10:47 am

Preach Raqi!

Lady J

December 10th, 2009
10:48 am

True KB and I am so over the surface thingy and demand more and if it not moving we keep it moving no hard feelings just on two seperate pages!!!!

Wonderwoman

December 10th, 2009
10:48 am

Kinderbabe- yeah I’ve learned that too. They keep the small talk going, the general stuff. But those men I usually weed out, because the conversation usually goes back to something sexually. Like why you have to keep bringing it up. They don’t allow me to get to know them.

SexyCool - Favorite Color: Red

December 10th, 2009
10:52 am

I often find that people who are always trying to be so deep talk about ish like the value of the euro versus the dollar are often just trying to prove how intelligent and superior they THINK they are.

Once I was talking to someone about what had gone on in my day at work and out of nowhere he breaks out with a question about what I thought our strategy in the Middle East should be (or words to that effect.) I was like, “Seriously?!?!?”

I wanted to say, “Okay, yeah, mphcka, you smart. You well read. You know sht. I still ain’t impressed.” (Intentional bad grammar.)

Needless to say, that sht fizzled quickly. Hell, if I want to be tested on current events and IQ type sht, I will take a frickin’ current events or continuing education class at a local college. I’m trying to eat some pizza and have fun on a date.

Leggs - F and F

December 10th, 2009
10:54 am

(Sidebar ~ my foolish in love gf met me out last night for a quick drink. Can I tell you she got attention from 3 dudes…me NONE! She’s heavy chested and wears very pointed bras. Thinking could this bra be her from of ammunition. It’s was amazing to watch! Do guys really go for the pointed bra type (lol)!)

On a serious tip, Dan, you’re making a turnip truck full of sense this morning. SCool, you too are right, dating should be laid back and fun, easily flowing like a lillypad downstream, all the while peeling away layers to get to the “meat” of a person!

Dan

December 10th, 2009
10:55 am

@Raqi

I’m with you, esp. on the balance.

In all, I’m a lighthearted dude (’the cares of this world’ will eat you alive if you let them), but I just don’t give time to vacuousness.

More people vote for American Idol than for President of the United States. That fact has me real leery of a person over 21 that can’t get into a discussion about issues outside of reality TV.

I’m sorry if that sounds too caustic, but I need an intellectual match. I need to bounce my ideas off my woman and have her tell me ‘it’ll be okay’ (if only to say it), but she can’t do that if she don’t know what’s going on.

And yes, learning what makes her smile is as important. Because making her smile makes me smile and grants relief to the cares of that day at least.

As always, Raqi, great post.

Lady J

December 10th, 2009
10:55 am

SexyCool i find those to be insecure in other areas they don’t want to surface….so it is the game face 24/7

Leggs - F and F

December 10th, 2009
10:58 am

Hell, if I want to be tested on current events and IQ type sht, I will take a frickin’ current events or continuing education class at a local college. I’m trying to eat some pizza and have fun on a date. SLAM DUNK! That was funny!

Leggs - F and F

December 10th, 2009
10:58 am

Sorry, meant POINTY…

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray/With 17 more days til my Bday

December 10th, 2009
10:59 am

@ SexyC

I haven’t dated any “know it alls”, but I have friends that like to throw out bullish when the topic doesn’t even pertain to the knowledge their trying to drop.

So when the try to come with that text book crap I say “What does that have to do with the price of tea in china?”, They just look like huh??? I say Exactly!!

Professor

December 10th, 2009
11:01 am

Honestly, I feel like you should already have a grap on the intelligence level before you go out on a date. What happened to telephone conversations? I guess that is why I like doing something and having a quick cup of java or something later.

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray/With 17 more days til my Bday

December 10th, 2009
11:01 am

easily flowing like a lillypad downstream, all the while peeling away layers to get to the “meat” of a person!

Something about that just seems like it was typed effortlessly.. I like that Leggs :wink:

Dan

December 10th, 2009
11:04 am

Dallas is out of the Pac vs. Mayweather

Raqi

December 10th, 2009
11:05 am

Lighten dahell up and have some fun.

SexyCool, I agree. Lighten dahell up and have some fun.

My life would be miserable if I had to endure living with Mr. Stiff every freakin’ day. I likes and need the good wood every so often but I am not for living with a man that has the personality of heavy plank.

Bring it up to the shallow end sometimes. Lighten dahell up and have some fun.

Raqi

December 10th, 2009
11:06 am

Leggs, did you get my email yesterday?

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray/With 17 more days til my Bday

December 10th, 2009
11:07 am

I’ve been out of the loop for a minute, but I would think you still talk on the phone… maybe I’m wrong.. Yo no se :grin:

Leggs - F and F

December 10th, 2009
11:07 am

No, I didn’t, Raqi!

Raqi

December 10th, 2009
11:10 am

I like having a man that can appreciate and enjoy a good fried bologna sandwich just as much as he can my homemade lobster ravioli with tarragon cream sauce.

Professor

December 10th, 2009
11:10 am

One thing I have learned about those that think they are so smart. Well they are too dumb to realize that they are at the bottom of the thinking chain. Plus repeating what you heard on CNN or read in the New York Times does not prove intellect. Intellect is having the ability to apply knowledge.

Hell, my uncle is a medical doctor and he is cool azz hell…straight funny, but he can hold his own in any conversation…shoot he likes playing spades, eating hot fried fish drinking a cold beer and talking more smack than me.

Lady J

December 10th, 2009
11:10 am

hmmm talking on the phone is a farfetched for me and I used to be the qhone queen….instant messages, emails, texts (yes) lol, and face to face is it….after all that i cut my phone off on a normal night…my phone convo is business related for the most part…a few personal convos here and there but not the #1 source of comunication

Raqi

December 10th, 2009
11:11 am

Leggs, maybe check your spam/junk mail.

Leggs - F and F

December 10th, 2009
11:13 am

I just did that, Raqi, thinking it may have landed it there….nada!

SexyCool - Favorite Color: Red

December 10th, 2009
11:13 am

And if I have to pull out the dictionary because of them $10.50 words you’re always throwing into the conversation……Well, NEXT!!!!

kinderbabe

December 10th, 2009
11:13 am

lady j–i like talking on the phone and writing letters, especially when you’re dating. it’s cute.:) it’s nothing like a good late night convo when you wake up sleepy the next day…takes me back to the high school days…LOL.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit..feeling yummy with 14 days til my birthday :-)

December 10th, 2009
11:13 am

I’m better today missy….My moms had the weird dream lastnight.

Wow Cameeli what y’all got going on over thurr…lol :)

Don’t just sit there waiting for the guy to pique your interest (I’m not on this date to entertain you), gauge his level of intellect vs. yours.

Of course Dan…that’s what I do….point made/point taken.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

December 10th, 2009
11:15 am

SCool – I agree with your 10:40

Raqi

December 10th, 2009
11:15 am

Leggs, nothing from 123?

Raqi

December 10th, 2009
11:16 am

Don’t miss out of the enjoyment of the little things in life trying to swim with the Great Whites.

Professor

December 10th, 2009
11:17 am

Dream I am not a big phone person, but I am like Kinderbabe said there is nothing like a good late night convo…I like the letters and cards too, but it seems like emails are being replaced with those. However there is nothing like the real thing.

Oh yea I meant to add I hate a man that cuts you off when you are talking to say something only he thinks is important.

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray/With 17 more days til my Bday

December 10th, 2009
11:18 am

@ kinderbabe

I agree. Especially in the beginnig, when you’ve gotton over the nervousness and you guys just enjoy being. I like the late night phone call that last for hours.. waking up wishing you could go back to bed, but underneath it all you’re all giddy from the 4 hour convo that you can’t stop smiling about..

Professor

December 10th, 2009
11:23 am

Kinderbabe & Dream~ me, too I love the feel you get at that stage of a relationship.

THE INFAMOUS DK aka MR. FRESH BAKED BREAD

December 10th, 2009
11:26 am

Dan – youre on point this morning.. Hey Bro I see we think alike.. How good are you at running interference? Im in the market for a new wing man.. Dont worry I run interference very well and operate as a wing man also.. Hey with 2Can a couple other cats we can form a Voltron Crew and take over the A… Muah ha ha ha ha Oh that was my evil laugh by the way..

Heres and example of interference:

Me – Awww Yeah Babe Im sorry Dan had to run out real quick.. Ummm his Dog got sick but he said he is so sorry he didnt say goodbye.. Im sure he’ll call later he was a little upset..

Me (Part 2) – Immediately texts Dan to coordinate..

kinderbabe

December 10th, 2009
11:27 am

professor–yep, e-mails are taking over! an old school letter can go a long way…fellas take notes…lol. and it’s nothing like an old blabber mouth who cuts you off while talking. i don’t like that either!

dream_n–i love that too! it sure does/did keep me smiling all day…we don’t talk so much late at night anymore…lol. but in the beginning, it was awesome. it builds so much anticipation and excitement. we need more of that in our lives instead of priding on ourselves on knowing every dang thing! lol

Mo (aka Moeisha)

December 10th, 2009
11:28 am

Kinderbabe – those ‘high school’/late night convos are the best in the beginning! Like Dream_n said, you wake up smiling, tired as hell but smiling.

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray/With 17 more days til my Bday

December 10th, 2009
11:28 am

I love technology and how easy it is to access people now a day.

I’m a big texter with my friends, but not with a potential mate. Do not try to have a conversation with my through a series of text messages. Don’t send my a virtual e-card for my bday if we live within 5-15 miles of eachother.

I like in person, face to face.
I like to see what you do with your hands while you speak, or if a certain subject makes you grimace. I want to see those pearly whites when you smile.

Professor

December 10th, 2009
11:29 am

Kinderbabe/Dream I will say this. I would love a heartfelt letter for my birthday, Christmas, V-day etc. over some card. Actually the letter itself would make a great gift.

Cemeeli

December 10th, 2009
11:30 am

what y’all got going on over thurr

Sassy hehehe…nothing. We good.

While shopping lastnight i’d picked up my very first Le Creuset piece (it’s so purty I don’t think I want to cook in it) :) …oh, and I did not purchase one shoe, purse, sock..:) while at the shoe warehouse yesterday…I’m impressed with that.

kinderteach Hey lady. I’d asked if your lastday is next Friday too? I’m ready too! You must have been in & out reading blog.

Leggs - F and F

December 10th, 2009
11:31 am

Nothing from 123.

Dan

December 10th, 2009
11:33 am

@DK – run it, I’m down.

@Raqi – It’s a daily struggle for somma us (re – 11:16).

Cool Shadow

December 10th, 2009
11:33 am

What do you like to discuss on a date?

I keep the topics open and defer to the other person as to the depth and intimacy of the conversation. Sometimes what you’re reticent to inquire about one Date 1 you establish a comfort level to ask on Date 2 or 3. I really prefer to fall back into bartender mode and just listen; sometimes you can find out just as much by what’s not said or learn things before asking a specific question just by listening.

If you find out that you are intellectually unmatched, do you think your attraction to the person would fade?

Definitely, it would make the relationship regress. You want to be on the same intellectual level engaging and challenging each other, not constantly explaining seemingly simple concepts or trying to persuade open-mindedness like releasing an animal from a steel trap.

Have you ever been on a second date with someone whose conversation left you confused, annoyed, or bored?

Sure, and then you have to assess if it’s a bad episode or par for the course.

Leggs - F and F

December 10th, 2009
11:35 am

I’m a big texter with my friends, but not with a potential mate.”

That’s good, because texting is now considered the lipstick on the collar!