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Afraid to Settle Down?

A lot of single people are going to be faced with pushy relatives this holiday season. The ones that always want to comment on the fact that you are still unmarried. I think that the general consensus is that a lot of them think that single people are really just afraid to settle down.

There may be some truth to this. I think a lot of us are. I just wonder how much of our fear of settling down is real and how much is fantasy.  What do we really think about being with the same person for the rest of our lives?

We hear horror stories about marriage and long term commitment, but we also hear (and live through) horror stories about dating! Why do you think we let that stop us?

Are you afraid to settle down? What is your biggest fear about it? Where did this fear come from?

How do we know if what we are concerned about the most is real or our imagination?

254 comments Add your comment

SlimOne

December 7th, 2009
9:05 am

Good morning blogsville!

My grandmother has a tendency to drink too much wine and want to tell everyone about themselves. She is an unwed mother of 7 children. 5 daughters, now grown arse women, by a white dude and 2 sons by a black man….She’s NEVER been married, yet has worn a wedding band for some odd reason for Years.

Last Thanksgiving she decided to get on my back about me not being married after being with same dude for more than 8yrs AND not having any kids. I’m sure this wasn’t the most respectful thing to say but when she got on her rant I just said, “Well grandma, maybe I just want to be like you and never get married!”. Yeah that was a bit harsh but it sure did shut her up. I mean, how could she have had anything else to say after that?

I’m not afraid to settle down, I just want to make sure I, as well as the guy, feels as if we are right for each other and are very aware that it will be work and intend on doing just that…putting in the work. I never heard marriage described as a walk in the park, so that wouldn’t be my expectation.

2CPTG....."forever, forever, ever"??????

December 7th, 2009
9:06 am

“How do we know if what we are concerned about the most is real or our imagination?”

’cause we’re human, and the human psyche is a mu’fvcka! We allow our perceptions to become our reality – which ain’t always the case; So, then our imaginations ultimately become real….we see/hear all the stats about most long term relationships failing, and we buy into it, so we go into a relationship with an exit clause from the get-go…..or we simply don’t get into one at all…..

SlimOne

December 7th, 2009
9:21 am

2CPTG Yeah, I try not to feed into that whole horror-storytelling about bad marriages. Because if you listen to them long enough, often times you can see it was for the wrong reasons. THAT’S the part I have a hard time with understanding. How can it already be bad, but you assume it’s going to get better once you say I DO.

If yo baby mama was, has always been, and still is a crazy deranged biya biya, marrying her isn’t going to calm her down.

If you been with the same chick for 20 years and she been nagging you about doing the dayum thang already but you still aren’t ready….marrying her isn’t going to make you anymore ready

If you get yo jump-off pregnant after just the 3rd time yall did it, and only after knowing her for 10days….marrying her is not going to change the fact that YALL DON’T KNOW EACH OTHER, YOU HAVE ONLY BEEN BUMPING UGLIES WHICH DOESN’T CONSTITUTE A STRONG FOUNDATION FOR MATRIMONY

If you buy a mail-order bride from Russia and you don’t 1)Speak or understand Russian and 2)Don’t know anything about this chick…doesn’t mean when she gets her papers that she won’t leave yo arse after getting her green card.

If your boyfriend has flucked your best friend, your cousin and your twin sister (cuz of course he couldn’t tell you two apart) Telling him to marry you to make it up to you is not going to change his behavior after he ‘puts a ring on it’.

If you are a 21 year old chick and get with a 58 year old man with money…don’t be surprised when he get all controlling after he marries yo arse or can’t please you physically.

I’m just sayin doe

2CPTG....."forever, forever, ever"??????

December 7th, 2009
9:28 am

I gotcha Slim……but I’m curious to know…..ummmm, did yo uncles ever trip on yo aunts when they got into sibling arguments? Or vice versa? that’s interesting…..all the gals are yella, while the fellas are black…

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 7th, 2009
9:30 am

Things that make you go hmmmm…..

Marriage is quite a big deal for me, so I take it as such. Once those vows are spoken, rings are placed on the finger, and the I do’s follow soon thereafter, there is no turning back…. for me at least (hopefully).

I’m not afraid of marriage, and I don’t buy into the whole horror stories that people tell you about marriage. I love commitment. I think it’s the ultimate turn on for a man or woman to devote their whole self to another person fully.

Although I’m not at the point in my life where marriage is being talked about or even considered, maybe YEARS down the road I may see myself taking that step. But I’on know about that…

Morning All :wink:

SlimOne

December 7th, 2009
9:33 am

2CPTG It’s funny you mentioned that. One of my uncles I do believe had a hang-up about being the ‘field nig’ so to speak and he is the Craziest one. LOL! And my mom and all the aunts used to get crap from other chicks back in school because they were so Yella. They even used to call themselves Hayo’s Angels and had matching pink t-shirts with that written on them and their names on the back. LMAO!!!!

Professor

December 7th, 2009
9:39 am

Happy Monday!

Are you afraid to settle down? Not really.

What is your biggest fear about it? Not having my freedom and giving up control on making decisions. I do not want to have to wait on someone to “buy-in” on a good idea. I like being able to execute etc.

SlimOne I feel you on the entire grandma incident. I have an aunt that is married to the G.O.A.T philander and she asked me about marriage and what I was waiting on. Well I simply told her someone that is faithful and will not make me look like a fool year in and year out, and I worry about my health and life since he is the neighborhood playboy.

M. (pronounced M dot)

December 7th, 2009
9:39 am

@Are you afraid to settle down? What is your biggest fear about it? Where did this fear come from?

I think I am somewhat afraid to settle down because of the key word in the sentence: SETTLE. My biggest fear is that I end up settling with someone who is a good temporary solution but not long term. The feeling’s of being trapped would be to much for me.

Also I always wonder if there is someone out there who is a good fit for you or do you have to find someone who is 80% of what you want and compromise on the other 20%.

I heard someone say you should not settle because you dont have to. Think about that…

Professor

December 7th, 2009
9:42 am

Marriage is quite a big deal for me, so I take it as such. Once those vows are spoken, rings are placed on the finger, and the I do’s follow soon thereafter, there is no turning back….

Hey Dream! I totally agree. I really believe in marriage and I think it is a beautiful thing, but I think it can be just as ugly and horrible if the vows are taken lightly.

2CPTG....."forever, forever, ever"??????

December 7th, 2009
9:49 am

I’mma play psychoanalyst today……

M. – lemme dissect this statement. “I think I am somewhat afraid to settle down because of the key word in the sentence: SETTLE. My biggest fear is that I end up settling with someone who is a good temporary solution but not long term.”

Before you say, “I do” shouldn’t you know what kind of person you’re “settling” for? Won’t you have discerned this person’s personality and character, and know if he’s the one? You’re not talkin about marrying one of those persons mentioned in Slim’s 9:21 post, are you?

SlimOne

December 7th, 2009
9:49 am

@M. “My biggest fear is that I end up settling with someone who is a good temporary solution but not long term”

I totally get that. I would definitely want someone where I felt had our best future in mind as opposed to our best ‘right now’ in mind.

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 7th, 2009
9:52 am

Good morning Professor!!!!

2CPTG....."forever, forever, ever"??????

December 7th, 2009
10:00 am

by the way, Professor, I did answer your question Friday….about hookin’ up with a gal with an 11th grade education…….to reiterate, I said probably not, because we “probably wouldn’t have much in common….not saying it’s not possible, but more than likely, it wouldn’t be feasible.

M. (pronouced M dot)

December 7th, 2009
10:01 am

@2CPTG…..”forever, forever, ever”??????

First off, this is M. the guy..lol

“Won’t you have discerned this person’s personality and character”

Sure you want to know what’s in their character but also people change. I guess that’s why you should take your time and get to know someone so that you can see as many dimensions of them as possible before you get married.

The saying is you “never know when your woman is going to break bad” i.e., change up, get tired of dealing with you or anything. My buddy Jeff got married over a year ago, and suddenly his woman’s ego went out of control. She started disrespecting him, talking to him backwards, acting crazy etc. The argument could be made that he should have saw this coming but also it could have been a sudden change. The moral is that any type of relationship is a gamble.

SexyCool - Is ya' happy?

December 7th, 2009
10:02 am

Three Words Daily – Have no fear.

Professor

December 7th, 2009
10:08 am

Hey Dream!

@2CPTG thanks for answering my question on Friday. What make you think you all would not have a lot in common? She may be a lifelong learner that values informal and non-traditional methods of education.

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 7th, 2009
10:09 am

I guess that’s why you should take your time and get to know someone so that you can see as many dimensions of them as possible before you get married.

I agree M.

I never got the whole idea of… “It’s been 2 years”, he should propose to me, or giving the ultimatum of “If he doesn’t propose to me in X amount of years I’m gone.
Da!n take your time to get to know someone.
It takes longer for someone to attain a master’s degree then it takes for some of these people to get married. During the time your’re attaining your degree, you’re learning and understanding every aspect of the career you plan to be in. Why not do the same in a relationship. Take your time, if they are truly with you for the long haul, then what’s the rush?

SexyCool - Is ya' happy?

December 7th, 2009
10:10 am

I have no fears when it comes to settling down. I have learned to choose better. And even when I make the wrong choice, I have learned to leave sooner.

So, no. I don’t “fear” a relationship. In fact, I am more eager and excited because I have learned hard love lessons and know myself better. And that makes me a better decision maker and a better mate.

Yep...

December 7th, 2009
10:12 am

I am afraid I will settle with someone who is creepy but I failed to figure it out in time!!!!

M. (pronouced M dot)

December 7th, 2009
10:12 am

@Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

“if they are truly with you for the long haul, then what’s the rush?”

Great point. I had a girl who was cool and I liked but she was kinda trying to rush me into a relationship. What is the rush ladies? Is it a sense of validation or do they feel left out that all of their girlfriends are in relationships, married, or something and they are dont want to be the lonely and unattachced girl?

ChimingIn

December 7th, 2009
10:17 am

LMBO @slim’s 9:21 but Amen!

SlimOne

December 7th, 2009
10:24 am

I think part of the rush is we sometimes feel we are letting the dude ‘test drive’ the puddy too long…so long that he may just decide to bring it back and not purchase. It’s easy to get too comfy…and comfy can lead to getting too content on how things are. Like men say, Why change a thing if it seems to work for them. lol That’s why many folks who shack up hardly end up getting married cuz dude feel like they are living the ‘married lifestyle’ already so why bother with the troubles of that little piece of paper & all that planning.

Cemeeli

December 7th, 2009
10:25 am

…good day…

There is nothing wrong with being afraid to settle down, but to me what seems more wrong is allowing fear to be your master to your desire to want to settle down. If you go into the relationship with a defeated attitude you lose….meaning; you’re thinking towards your relationship… “this won’t last” or, ”he/she is just like my last minute man” or, “when will the other shoe drop?” ect…that type of limited thinking wont help.

…granted, some relationships will definitely be misfires, but don’t allow fear to consume you and your new boo’s thing.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit..feeling yummy.:-)

December 7th, 2009
10:25 am

Are you afraid to settle down? What is your biggest fear about it? Where did this fear come from?

I don’t know if I’m ready…no I’m lying b/c I flux on each end of the datng spectrum. Sometimes I feel like I’m ready and other days I wanna be free(ain’t that a song?). I guess that just goes to show that I haven’t met “the one” b/c if I had then I’d probably be “on lock” or on the way to it.

Sure I’ve heard(and continue to hear) dating/marriage horror stories but that’s not me story so I don’t internalize the horrors from what I hear….however what I do do is look at what lessons(common sense or otherwise)that can be learned from what I’ve seen/heard and avoid those. I see/use my friends mistakes as a sort of “what not to do” barometer…so to speak.

Mornting blog!! :mrgreen:

Cemeeli

December 7th, 2009
10:25 am

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 7th, 2009
10:28 am

M.

Some women need that sense of security. They don’t want to be the odd woman out. All off their friends are either married or into long term commmitted relationships, and she’s just hanging out there all be her lonesome…lol

Personally, I found out that I’d rather be alone than be with someone and be miserable. Men should not validate us as women and vice versa. And being single is not a bad thing as some people would like us to believe. Not everyone wants to be in a relationship at whatever time there in, in their life. Not everyone thought about being married when they were younger.

Hell while the little girls were prolly planning their wedding dates, designing their gowns, and getting their seating arrangement together, I was somewhere climbing a tree or playing tag.

2CPTG....."forever, forever, ever"??????

December 7th, 2009
10:29 am

sorry ’bout that, M.

and Professor, you asked how would I know we wouldn’t have much in common…well, ’cause I know ME! If she was a life long learner and valued informal and non traditional methods of education, then she could at least get a GED (how long does that take, bout 3 months at the most?); She ain’t gotta have a wall full of shingles, but at least finish high school…..and if she had no desire to do such, then that too would be indicative of her motivation, and ambition….just wouldn’t work for me…..

Lady J

December 7th, 2009
10:31 am

hmmmm yes I am afraid…was tol I need to let me guard down a little…the past is only the future with headlights on though so I am a lil standoffish…I was also told I was going to let 10 years past and possibly missing out on a good mate…my thoughts are whats truly for me will be…there is no rush but time is on my side with recovering somewhat and learning more about me…..there is hope just now ready to run to the alter or being exclusive with the wrong person for the wrong reason and I know the results of that so I continue to play on the sidelines and do me…:)

Professor

December 7th, 2009
10:34 am

Dream and M.

Regarding the whole rush thingy. I think it goes back to not making the same mistake twice or holding the new person to a former mate past sins. The reason I say this is because I have friends and relatives that told me they waited for someone to “pop” the question and they never got asked and they feel they wasted the best years. So, now date one dinner and a movie…date two going to church and Sunday dinner…date three he went to Jarret’s and off to Vegas to tie the knot. It is almost like they do not want to waste anytime.

Cemeeli

December 7th, 2009
10:35 am

I was also told I was going to let 10 years past and possibly missing out on a good mate

LadyJ – It’s all good mamma…let them say whatever they may.

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 7th, 2009
10:37 am

One thing I’ve also realized is that not everyone you come in contact with is meant to be in your life forever. Their meant to be in your life for a season, then when that time is up their gone. So you can’t go around thinking every “ideal” wo(man) you meet is for you. Chill!

2CPTG....."forever, forever, ever"??????

December 7th, 2009
10:37 am

hey Cee….spoke to you on Friday….

Lady J

December 7th, 2009
10:39 am

thanks cee cee but their words do stay with me but at the end I have to do what is right for me….I’m the only one living for me and jumping through hoops for me so I will be guarded until I get truly comfortable with me….not perfect just my perfect state to be a better mate….I am realizing I am just not ready and it is ok no matter how old I am so Iwhy bring uneccessary drama or even and unwanted child for gratification of having a mate….no been there done that….I like dating and it’s cool but I can’t mix up the srcipts…it is what it is nothing more so I am pledging not to fake to want more when I am not giving more…real talk…from experience of Miss J!:)

Cemeeli

December 7th, 2009
10:41 am

part of the rush is we sometimes feel we are letting the dude ‘test drive’ the puddy too long

This cycle can do damage to a commitment…if he getting the coot on tap, than why sign papers?…it’s about what we allow…

Cemeeli

December 7th, 2009
10:42 am

THE INFAMOUS DK aka DK ALI

December 7th, 2009
10:42 am

Not afraid of settling down but Im mos def afraid of marriage.. Why? Because people change once they get the ring and the paperwork.. You finally get to see what you working with afetr the pomp and circumstance..

Leggs

December 7th, 2009
10:45 am

Good morning. Yes, I’m afraid to settle down. Sometimes, I look at my friends who are in relationships and hear their bytching and am thankful I’m single. Other times, I sit back and yearn for the companion of another to share things with. Then, on the other hand, I’m just glad to be!

Cemeeli

December 7th, 2009
10:46 am

@ Lady J – Stick with your pledge, oath, chant…whatever keeps you solid lady.

THE INFAMOUS DK aka DK ALI

December 7th, 2009
10:46 am

In other words people are good liars or good actors these days.. I wont get married again until I feel like Ive met a stripped down chick that is happy with who she is and nothing else matters.. Not friends, not family and not society.. A totally free woman..

Professor

December 7th, 2009
10:47 am

Dream,

I agree and I cannot tell you how many times I see folks thinking about how they are going to unite with someone and they are not even “steady” yet. It is almost like it has been six weeks and now I want him in my life forever…yes just chill out and take it from there!

2CPTG....."forever, forever, ever"??????

December 7th, 2009
10:47 am

“part of the rush is we sometimes feel we are letting the dude ‘test drive’ the puddy too long

This cycle can do damage to a commitment…if he getting the coot on tap, than why sign papers?…it’s about what we allow…”

he gettin the coot on tap cause y’all in a relationship!!!! what ya gon’ do, let him hit it one time, then ration it out after that? No, it don’t work like that; if you wanna stand yo moral ground, then don’t let him get it all…..

Nonya

December 7th, 2009
10:47 am

So what do I do about the dude who “can see himself being with me”, and “thinks about me all the time”, and also “cares a whole lot about me”, but won’t commit to a relationship because his heart was ripped out when he was 21…dude is 36 now. We spend Fri-Sun together when our schedules allow (we’re 2 hrs apart) and when we’re not together, I can usually find him on his sofa watching anything Sports or at the gyn shooting hoops. Known him for 13 months…Is he just afraid to settle down? Should I hang in there or get to stepping?

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 7th, 2009
10:48 am

Then, on the other hand, I’m just glad to be

I like that Leggs…

I’m just glad to be.

Cemeeli

December 7th, 2009
10:52 am

Ali Maybe you’ve kinda been cutting grass in that field i called Wrong Cut…if you’ve had Bermuda and it’s didn’t make your house or landscape “greener”…Try kentucky bluegrass…georgia homegrown…or something.

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 7th, 2009
10:53 am

he gettin the coot on tap cause y’all in a relationship!!!! what ya gon’ do, let him hit it one time, then ration it out after that? No, it don’t work like that; if you wanna stand yo moral ground, then don’t let him get it all

Good Point. 2CPTG

Lady J

December 7th, 2009
10:53 am

@THE INFAMOUS DK aka DK ALI “In other words people are good liars or good actors these days.. I wont get married again until I feel like Ive met a stripped down chick that is happy with who she is and nothing else matters.. Not friends, not family and not society.. A totally free woman..”

That is the raod I am on bc I can’t fool others for long and not fooling myself the real me will come out so why fake???? It is ok not to be be ready and until I get where your post states I am not going there any more….

Great Post THE INFAMOUS DK aka DK ALI

2CPTG....."forever, forever, ever"??????

December 7th, 2009
10:54 am

Nonya…..dude jsut scared to settle down….that’s akin to what I said at 9:06; his psyche done got the best of him…..he holdin onto 15 years worth of garbage….on the other hand, 13 months ain’t that long, when you look at it……

SlimOne

December 7th, 2009
10:54 am

INFAMOUS ‘people change once they get the ring and the paperwork.. You finally get to see what you working with afetr the pomp and circumstance”

You know how high schools have started making teens do a mock “mom & dad scenario where they may have to take care of a mechanical baby for a few weeks? Well we may need to have a marriage run where couples live in a spot for a few weeks after doing a mock wedding and get faced with marriage hurdles & issues to see how they do before doing the real thang. I call it Marriage Counseling on Crack…or a Pre-Marriage Bootcamp. See what changes….lol

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 7th, 2009
10:57 am

It is almost like it has been six weeks and now I want him in my life forever

:lol: :lol:

Cemeeli

December 7th, 2009
10:57 am

what ya gon’ do, let him hit it one time, then ration it out after that? No, it don’t work like that; if you wanna stand yo moral ground, then don’t let him get it all

Mr. 2C What I’m gon do is do me…he aint’ gotta sigh up for it…When we are in a relationship I make the choice whether or not he get’s it the 1st and 2nd Tuesday of every month, not him…

…:)…welcome back!