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This Time I Want It All

Have you ever taken the time to think about your past relationships to realize what exactly went wrong?  In some cases, I can pinpoint the moment I figured out the person wasn’t right for me, yet it was not the moment I ended things.

When we are single and dating, we are collecting data about who we think is a good fit for us.  It wasn’t until I dated a really impatient man when I decided that patience is something I truly like in a man.  Now that I have been ignored by a “really busy” boyfriend, I can say with certainty that I appreciate the man that has balance and makes time for what is important.

You see where I’m going with this?  We may have endured tough times on the dating scene but it wasn’t a complete waste of time.  We should take all that we have learned about ourselves and other people to make the best choices in selecting a mate.

When it is time and the right person comes along, there will be no settling.  There should be no confusion, apprehension, fear, or trepidation. This is why so many of the married people tell us, “You will know” when we meet the one.

I tell myself that when I make the decision to commit, the guy will have it all. Not just partially right for me, but truly right for me. What would be the point, otherwise?

Do you think that settling is necessary to be with someone?  Is it possible for us to find a person that has everything we want?  Can we expect to have it all or is it a fantasy?  How realistic are we in our expectations?

330 comments Add your comment

Melo

December 3rd, 2009
10:30 am

we forgot to ask Content hw often they do it and how often she likes it….

might need to send lil wayne ova there!

KP (http://www.chatkafeonline.com)

December 3rd, 2009
10:32 am

Wow! One of the few times I hear about a man on the other side of the “I don’t want to have sex” coin.

Hmmm…ultimatums come with decisions. You have to be willing to accept the one he makes. Most likely the man will abort his course because he’s been backed against the wall. MEN HATE ULTIMATUMS!

My questions are these…Is your relationship only validated because of the sexual relationship you have with him? What if he IS truly stressed? Why not serve as the vessel of comfort men so desire from women they eventually want to call their wives? That will earn much more respect from him than focusing on temporary desires of your flesh.

Some points to ponder, but true LOVE won’t allow you to bounce on him just because he’s going through a temporary season in his life.

Wonderwoman

December 3rd, 2009
10:33 am

Good morning all,

BeContent- I see it two ways for you. 1) it sounds like u hv some unresolved issues from your past, with the passing of your parents. Which I’m truly sorry to hear. But maybe, just maybe this could be a blessing. Maybe God is given u an opportunity to resolve your past issues with Him, through this situation you and your SO are going through. Maybe He is using your SO the fact that he has a desire to get closer to God, maybe you can as well. Then your relationship with your SO can be stronger by together you and your SO growing in the word. But you have open you heart even if its just a little for the Word. 2) But if your not willing to even try to join your SO journey, then as someone said to be unequally yolked the relationship will not last. If its love don’t be afraid to grow in love together!

Dan

December 3rd, 2009
10:34 am

@Dreams

I’mma say this and end my little rant on religion.

I don’t really care that or who someone prays to. What matters to me most is that persons actions in life (I’m not the one that determines anything about their afterlife).

When you get to talking dating and religion, it kinda goes with the crux of this topic:

Is this a good person?

Do they treat others with respect and understanding?

Is that a result of how they live their interpretation of their faith?

Is is different from mine?

Do I love who she is?

Is our only problem our interpretation of the Divine? Am I willing to tie my happiness to this person?

So I guess I’m more in the actual act of Paul and Jesus, accepting all for who they are, and responding accordingly.

To each his/her own about it though.

mytw♥cents - mytw♥tatas - d♥scentavos - Fallen Angel - Albino Tigress

December 3rd, 2009
10:42 am

BE CONTENT? Thanks for your response. What’s confusing is how many times you’ve said you don’t know what’s going on, yet you’ve given us a thorough explanatiion. And the fact that he’s trying to pleasure you outside of the act itself suggests he is concerned about your happiness. Why aren’t you as concerned about his?

As for God, I really wish you knew Him. His goodness surpasses my hurts and that’s part of how I’ve coped with the messed up stuff life has thrown my way. But if you choose to hold onto yours, after all of these years, it’s on you. Beyond spirituality and religion, embracing a Victim Mentality daily must be wearing you down.

Wonderwoman

December 3rd, 2009
10:43 am

Leggs & Dream_n I’m with ya’ll today.

There is a difference between settling and compromising. And a very early post summed it up, it was exactly what I was thinkin. I think ImPeach said it great…happy = compromise unhappy = settling.

I have settled many times in a relationship. The unhappy moments out weighted the happy ones and I stayed around instead of ending it, that to me is settling.

Dan

December 3rd, 2009
10:47 am

@WW

Do you have the job you want? The position within the company?

Is your job your passion? Do you love going to work everyday?

Does your job fulfill you (overall)?

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 3rd, 2009
10:52 am

@ Dan..

I respect your opinion/belief…

I can accept all your faults and your flaws. I’m not a religious person. I do not belong to any denomination, b/c I believe, belonging to a group or certain religion seperates us.

Example: A realtionship between you and I would be like trying to make like ends of a magnet attract. Especially if our beliefs are battling eachother.

But yeah let’s jump off this ride… :grin:

Luvbug

December 3rd, 2009
10:57 am

Raqi- The initial post I read mentioned sex, joblessness and religion. My advice was she understand his struggle (whatever it is) and discuss her struggle (whatever it is) and try to resolve it together…I made sure to open and close with “don’t take advice from strangers” (especially me).

I can’t (won’t) confirm that God is her primary issue, nor the other things she mentioned, even if she states each a million times. I’m not a trained psychologist or relationship therapist. I’m guessing a person with that skill set would pull out all the details of both parties and get past the surface complaints.

Dan

December 3rd, 2009
10:59 am

@Dream

One last comment: that’s just it. My beliefs have nothing to do with yours. I care more about how you live in faith, than how you practice it.

And where’d this me and you come from? Kinda feelin’ the D huh? It happens.

Professor~in for a minute

December 3rd, 2009
11:01 am

First things first…Sending Plenty of Birthday Wishes to Little Dream

@Content…I agree with most of the bloggers (Dream & Melo) you have to be equally yolked. You need to decide what works for YOU! If you need a four hour session of the wild thing…go for it! If you are seeking a true well rounded relationship that is not a fairytale…this is one of those times you will have to stand the rain…singing it like new edition…sunny days everybody loves them….

On topic the only way you can have everything you want in a relationship is this way…reduce folks to a fraction i.e he gives me 25% of what I want and seek the other 75% with others. So if you want the real deal you need to say WHAT WORKS FOR ME THAT IS A MUST HAVE, and you might have to compromise and negotiate on the rest.

Wonderwoman

December 3rd, 2009
11:02 am

Dan- I’m going to answer in order…Yes, Yes, No, No, and No. I guess I don’t tie emotions to a job the way I do a relationship.

Ok I answered…whats your point?

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 3rd, 2009
11:03 am

I care more about how you live in faith, than how you practice it.

Isn’t that the same thing. Living/practicing.
And
You did read the “example” part… right?

Professor~in for a minute

December 3rd, 2009
11:03 am

Luvbug Thanks for that 10:57!

…I want to catch up, but I cannot do all that reading.

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 3rd, 2009
11:06 am

Hey there Prof..

I’ll send the pics your way at the nights end.. I’m doing kinda a story board.. Starting out in the morning and ending after we have opened the last gift!!!

Mo (aka Moeisha)

December 3rd, 2009
11:07 am

Morning All

Leggs – you pretty much summed it up for me with this..”There is a difference between settling and compromising”.

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 3rd, 2009
11:10 am

Ok I answered…whats your point?

:lol:

Comparing a job to a relationship in “the context” we are talking about is funny..

Dan

December 3rd, 2009
11:10 am

@WW

My point is you’ve ’settled’ in your career for less than what fulfills you. You’ll likely stay there until retirement if its your choice. But you’ve come to terms with how that job makes you feel (for good and ill) because of what it provides outside of negative emotions.

How is that any different in a relationship?

Someone that has all, but (whatever the but represents) and you can get past the but to stay in it.

More rhetorical than anything. Thank you for answering, and feel free to respond to this if you so choose.

@Dream

Yeah, I caught that. So you’d give up the (possible) love of your life because he doesn’t pray to the same God? Even if you both ask for the same things?

Professor~in for a minute

December 3rd, 2009
11:10 am

Hey Dream,

That sounds really nice and she is so cute! So, I know she will have a great day and a wonderful birthday…I like the story board concept.

SexyCool - Loves Orange LifeSavers, too.

December 3rd, 2009
11:10 am

There is also a difference between settling, compromising and deciding that some things that you once thought were dealbreakers or disqualifiers are no longer that big of a deal.

Dan

December 3rd, 2009
11:11 am

can’t get past the ‘but’ – my bad.

Leggs

December 3rd, 2009
11:13 am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIL DREAM_N ~ Big Dream_n, the years are going to fly by even faster now. Remember all her impish grins and wide-eyed wonderment at just about everything!

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 3rd, 2009
11:19 am

@ Dan

I was going to go into a long drawn out explanation, but I’ll just give the short version.

Yes. We can work on faults and flaws, but for me at least there’s no compromising on who God is, and who his son is. JMB though.

Leggs

December 3rd, 2009
11:20 am

When it is time and the right person comes along, there will be no settling. There should be no confusion, apprehension, fear, or trepidation. Solely because the desire to please your mate and enhance the relationship is effortless. Nothing is looked at as being a “chore.” With the right person, love, joy, care and concern will always be front and center and any negative task (disagreement) will be put to bay rather quickly!

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 3rd, 2009
11:23 am

@ Leggs

Yes, It seems like 4 years has sped by. And yes I remember and still see her little grin and amazement at everything. Thank you for the bday wishes.

Professor~in for a minute

December 3rd, 2009
11:23 am

Dan and Dream

I will say this (not to add any fuel), but I have seen people marry for love (in my own family) and not being equally yoked tear them apart. When children, Holidays and invites started pouring in, it was against one person’s religion to go or celebrate and the other party did not want to go alone year after year and explain why the spouse was at home. One person wanted Christmas decorations up and the other person did not believe and did not want that in the house.

Love, Beautiful

December 3rd, 2009
11:24 am

good morning Mytwo, KP, Slim, all!

*there will be no settling* this topic has me written all over it. thanks Wise! at 41, i’m willing to wait for him whoever he may be. i want to do it right this time, cus there’s no divorce!

my number one priority will be making sure i’m happy and satisfied. my second priority will be showing him that he is all that matters and supporting our love throughout our journey together.

Professor~in for a minute

December 3rd, 2009
11:25 am

So, Dream, are you taking cupcakes and ice cream to the school? Is that something that parents still do…take cupcakes to the entire class?

Wonderwoman

December 3rd, 2009
11:28 am

Dan- I defintely would not retire here..trust that. I don’t see it as me settling here. I’m here to do a job, get the work done. Do I want something better, of course. I guess I say I don’t tie emotions, because regardless whether I’m happy or unhappy I have to work to pay bills. For me there is no compromise at work, ‘it is what it is’. I can’t say oh today I’m leaving this job. Where in a relationships I guess I put more emotions into, it makes it harder to leave because you established attachments,and caring for a person.

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 3rd, 2009
11:30 am

LOL @ is that something parents still do.. :lol:

Actually I picked up cake and ice cream. The ex and I are getting off early to go to the school and sing happy birthday and cut the cake. The cake is in the shape of a princess castle with all the princesses in diffferent parts of the castle. (which will be included in the pics.)

Leggs.. How many birthdays until the excitement wears off..lol. Should I still be this giddy!!! lol

Love, Beautiful

December 3rd, 2009
11:32 am

*How realistic are we in our expectations?* i’m being very realistic, because i’ve had it before. my bar is set and has never been lowered. i have no problem finding a man, no problem with getting married. i’m approach almost every week with dates, etc. i decline because i don’t see or feel any connection with said person after a nice friendly conversation.

the issue i have with settling is that person being miserable and unhappy. sh*it, i can do that all by myself.

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 3rd, 2009
11:32 am

Leggs I like that 11:20..

But I do want to say, that while I don’t think a relationship should be a chore. It may take some work. In a relationship there are those obstacles that pop up that need team work between both parties to endure.

Leggs

December 3rd, 2009
11:33 am

Sidenote: There’s a mom in Roswell (?) that is trying to ban parents from bringing cupcakes to school. She feels it should be up to the individual parents to feed there own kids junk, and that children should not be tempted when one brings bday cupcakes to school. Her children know not to touch nare one of those cupcakes!

Professor~in for a minute

December 3rd, 2009
11:35 am

Make sure you send a pic of the cake…that sounds pretty! I need one of those for my birthday coming up in 19 days.

Beautiful~I agree I do not believe in divorce, but I know that can change if you are stuck and see yourself dying a little each day. If I get married I am going to go in with ’til death do us apart.

Melo

December 3rd, 2009
11:37 am

KP, i agree and disagree with u…

If her sexual apetite is off the charts and his is so so,she needs to bounce coz settling for a slow tortoise will lead to cheating..

As a 36 yr old,shes old enough to know..unless ofcourse she believes sexx makes the man luv her more and better..which really is a low, self esteem women who usually think that way.

Leggs

December 3rd, 2009
11:38 am

@Dream_n ~ the excitement nevers wears off! I’m giddy planning lil leggs’ Sweet 16!

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 3rd, 2009
11:39 am

I can see where that mom is comimg from, but trying to ban cupcakes is a bit much. Just instruct the school to not give cupcakes to your children, hand them a bag of carrots instead. People waste too much energy on nonsense I tell ya.

@ professor.. I have 24 more days until my bday. Might have to get us both one of those..lol

Leggs

December 3rd, 2009
11:41 am

Of course there are, Dream_n. My point is if one begins to look at the “obstacles” as “chores” and begrudge having to deal with them, the relationship is doomed. When you care, things usually don’t fester and solutions are usually meted out quickly.

Love, Beautiful

December 3rd, 2009
11:42 am

since i’ve never been married and never had the experience of being blessed with such commitment, i know that I’ll BE ALL IN and will ride it out like a champ.

i love hard. i can make any relationship work. BUT! i desire a relationship where it will be effortless on my part. what Leggs said.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

December 3rd, 2009
11:47 am

Dream_n – happy burfday to the lil one! I still get excited as well for Lil Mo’s b-day. We are turning the big 5 this year and Im all excited about planning a party.

Professor – I have taken cupcakes to school every year since the age of two and dont plan on stopping til maybe 7! LOL! Its fun to see all the kiddies faces when they sing “Happy Birthday” and eat their cake (cupcake)and ice cream. Thank goodness for whoever came up with pull apart cakes! Heaven Sent!

Professor~in for a minute

December 3rd, 2009
11:49 am

Dream I agree that mom should not let her kids eat cupcakes, but I would send her kid a soy alfalfa sprout berry cupcake

Professor~in for a minute

December 3rd, 2009
11:51 am

Hey Mo!

Does Lil Mo still talk about that girl in his class I forgot what he said about her? I remember it being funny…like something about her thighs or something.

Love, Beautiful

December 3rd, 2009
11:51 am

@Dream
happy b-day to lil dream and many many more! :) my baby will be 16 in feb. he reminded me that he will be getting his driver’s license. didn’t i jus change his poopie diaper the other day? lol. time flies.

Luvbug

December 3rd, 2009
11:51 am

Thanks Professor

Luvbug

December 3rd, 2009
11:52 am

Just instruct the school to not give cupcakes to your children, hand them a bag of carrots instead.

Man, I’d hate to be that kid… Luvbug now standing with one tear rolling down her cheek like the Crying Indian on the anti-pollution commercial (completely old reference)

KP (http://www.chatkafeonline.com)

December 3rd, 2009
11:54 am

@Melo…Of course we disagree on the content situation! We’ve debated this situation before.

I realize there are women who desire to be fed (sexually) as part of a relationship expectation. That’s why I try to express my spiritual position in advance so I can nip it in the bud early on and keep it moving.

I do sympathize with her though because it’s difficult to make this change midstream. I counsel a lot on these situations and it’s usually a challenge for the person who didn’t receive the same memo from God.

SexyCool - Loves Orange LifeSavers, too.

December 3rd, 2009
11:55 am

Luvbug – I still LOVE the Beautiful Land commercial. ~lol~

Mo (aka Moeisha)

December 3rd, 2009
11:56 am

Professor – oh Ms Thunda Thighs…..yes Lil Mo FINALLY pointed her out to me. I also had to mention that he cant say she has ‘thunda thighs’ (even though he had no clue what that was). LOL! That is still funny to me.

When I dropped him off the other day, there was a lil girl in his class being dropped off by her dad. (The kids have to go to another class room in the AM to wait for their teacher.) So the lil girl tells her dad “you go on Im waiting for Lil Mo”. So I asked Lil Mo who she was and he told me. She clearly was serious and waited for my baby. I had to laugh, he has one every year that always ‘looks out’ for him.

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 3rd, 2009
11:58 am

Thanx ladies for the bday wishes..

@ Leggs wait.. I thought lil leggs was like 5 or 6.. 16 wow. You have a maturing adolescent on your hands..lol

@ Mo 5.. so you’re in the same boat as I. The question stage/trying to read things/wanting to dress himself stage?? lol

Mo (aka Moeisha)

December 3rd, 2009
12:06 pm

Dream_n – wants to correct me on is name now, no nicknames. everything is “I can do it, no dont help me”. Which most times is cool but when mommy is in a hurry, I do need to help you! But yeah you are right!