accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

This Time I Want It All

Have you ever taken the time to think about your past relationships to realize what exactly went wrong?  In some cases, I can pinpoint the moment I figured out the person wasn’t right for me, yet it was not the moment I ended things.

When we are single and dating, we are collecting data about who we think is a good fit for us.  It wasn’t until I dated a really impatient man when I decided that patience is something I truly like in a man.  Now that I have been ignored by a “really busy” boyfriend, I can say with certainty that I appreciate the man that has balance and makes time for what is important.

You see where I’m going with this?  We may have endured tough times on the dating scene but it wasn’t a complete waste of time.  We should take all that we have learned about ourselves and other people to make the best choices in selecting a mate.

When it is time and the right person comes along, there will be no settling.  There should be no confusion, apprehension, fear, or trepidation. This is why so many of the married people tell us, “You will know” when we meet the one.

I tell myself that when I make the decision to commit, the guy will have it all. Not just partially right for me, but truly right for me. What would be the point, otherwise?

Do you think that settling is necessary to be with someone?  Is it possible for us to find a person that has everything we want?  Can we expect to have it all or is it a fantasy?  How realistic are we in our expectations?

330 comments Add your comment

Be Content?

December 3rd, 2009
8:28 am

My man has done something new to me. We have not had sex in 19 days. I know he is out of work and stressing, but I refuse to be in a non-sexual relationship. He tell’s me he is trying to get closer to God and do things differently in his life and that has led to his lack of sexual desire, we are not married. I trust him and we are together almost all of the time. Is it wrong to give him the sex me or we ca not be together ultimatum? If so, I am in trouble because I did it this morning. Should I just settle and hope for the best?

Dan

December 3rd, 2009
8:41 am

@WD – you’ve been listening to John Legend’s joint. I see you!

Two points on the topic:

1) No man or woman (born of a woman alive) will have “it all”. All in this context being all of what you need to make you happy with this person. That takes me to point 2) in our past relationships, we (should) have learned what another person can do to complement our happiness.

That’s what the older people meant by “you will know”. By that time you will know yourself, what makes you happy, and what doesn’t. You will not need to ask your SO to help you find happines, you will have attained it on your own. Consequently, this person adds to your life.

‘All’ is what you make it. ‘All’ is the role you ask another person to play in your; and if in wanting it ‘All’ you’re asking too much of someone else, then the only settling you should be doing is with yourself.

Dan

December 3rd, 2009
8:42 am

“play in your life”

JG

December 3rd, 2009
8:57 am

I don’t think of it as settling as much as it is compromising. Think of relative you really love parent , grand parent cousin whoever now there are things you would change about them, but you still love them just because they are who they are. Unconditional love I think is the key, yea developing an unconditional love between you and your mate should take care of it all, maybe. I’m guessing communication and putting thier needs in front of yours could get you to that point but that’s pretty deep and you have to know that you are going to get the same in return but if not move on. Just sit down put it out there and be totally honest how you feel and don’t worry about what that person thinks. Lastly and I read this somewhere I think we have to be willing to be the person that we expect the other person to be. Like if we expect a person to be perfect then we have to be perfect too. Realistically there’s no way so we have to except faults.

ImAPeach404

December 3rd, 2009
9:15 am

Is it wrong to give him the sex me or we ca not be together ultimatum?

@Content – YES! It is wrong – any ultimatum is wrong. You shouldn’t have to “force” anyone into any thing or any decision. All I can say is if you’re going to give an ultimatum, be ready to accept the decision made by your S/O.

I don’t think of it as settling as much as it is compromising.

A lot of things in life are about perception – the above statement is clearly (to me) about how you perceive the relationship. I believe if you’re happy with your partner, you can view yourself as compromising. If you’re unhappy in the relationship, you may feel as though you’ve settled.

But… who am I?

Good morning all!

C tha 1

December 3rd, 2009
9:16 am

@ Be content?
So you basically went 3 weeks without no ding-a-ling and you ’bout ready to cut this dude loose? Boy this is gonna be goooood 2Day. I feel you though, I guess. Do you love him? How old are you?

ImAPeach404

December 3rd, 2009
9:17 am

To add to Cs line of questioning for Content, how long have you all been together?

Be Content?

December 3rd, 2009
9:23 am

We have been together for 18 months. We are both 36. I do love him. I really messed up this morning.

mytw♥cents - mytw♥tatas - d♥scentavos - Fallen Angel - Albino Tigress

December 3rd, 2009
9:24 am

I think we have to allow someone to be ‘enough’ for us. Many won’t ever recognize that the one who chooses to be with them is doing the same. Fulfillment in any relationship takes acknowledging the fact that s/he is giving you all of what you need. It’s just that we can be full till our cup runneth over…yet we still (selfishly) WANT more. Sometimes we’re too greedy for our own good. How many folks were on plate #2 when we were stuffed & hadn’t digested the first?

BE CONTENT? If you’re in a purely sexual relationship you’re o-tay. But if you’re supposed to be in a full fledged on it’s lookin kinda shaky…dude told you he’s stressed, among other things & that can affect his level of desire. Was the ultimatum cuz you’re really bout to wither away from needing a release, do you not think he can love you but not be making love to you or do you kinda wonder if he’s gettin it elsewhere?

Raqi

December 3rd, 2009
9:24 am

You know what WiseDiva, that word settle often get used out of context at times. We all settle for something. If you don’t believe me ask your married friends. There is something, although quite small, that you will not care for in the man that captures your heart, mind and spirit that you will have to settle for to have a life with him.

Perfection is something that we grow into. :wink: And by that I mean upon meeting you will be two separate entities from two different walks of life. You will have to learn each other. You will grow together. You will perfect each other over time. So people should be taken aback by that word settle because everyone does it. All or nothing is the reason a lot of folks are still looking.

As we have discussed here many times it’s just a matter of being truthful with yourself about what you are willing to live with and without. And more importantly being realistic about our expectations of mere mortals. We are human, we err.

I am married to a guy that still makes me giddy on the inside. He makes me smile. But in order to have him and have a life with him I have to settle for his occasional moody ways. Of all the things that he loves about me he has to settle for something that he does not like.

Take your average newly united couple and ask them what is it they don’t like about each other and you will probably get “Nothing. I love everything about him/her”. Give them 6 months and ask again. “I love him/her to pieces but there is this one little thing…”.

We don’t have it all but we damn sure have those things that matter the most.

i'm swiss

December 3rd, 2009
9:26 am

@ Content — Ahhh…. I see it’s going to be an interesting day today… :lol:

Got a quick meeting, so no time right now, but I’ll be back shortly to give you my $.02. (I’m sure you’re all tingling with anticipation) ;-) :lol:

Morning, all!

Raqi

December 3rd, 2009
9:30 am

Be Content, you call 3 weeks of no play a non-sexual relationship? Why jump to that conclusion so fast?

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Listen to his response without being judgemental of the decisions and path he is choosing to take. Either you are there for the journey or not. You giving him an ultimatum is your choice and your right, however be prepared for his honest response.

ImAPeach404

December 3rd, 2009
9:30 am

@Content – one more piece of advice… get a removable shower head. You may find that you won’t even need him to give you some :D

Dan

December 3rd, 2009
9:32 am

@Raqi

I swear I was typing that EXACT thing (about ’settling’) before I hit refresh.

I like that you see that too. Question (to you Raqi) why do you think is it so difficult for some folks to see it[settling] in that light?

Dan

December 3rd, 2009
9:34 am

@content

He told you what was up when you brought it up the first time (ie his stress, his rededication to his spirituality, etc.).

Now, esp. with your ultimatum, you either roll with him during this time or roll on.

Be Content?

December 3rd, 2009
9:35 am

“do you not think he can love you but not be making love to you or do you kinda wonder if he’s gettin it elsewhere?”

Him getting it somewhere else has not crossed my mind once. He loves me, this I know. I have a problem with the whole religion thing and him “getting closer to God”, I lost both of my parents at an early age and I do not understand how a God can do that to a child. He on the other hand is “growing” as he puts it. And is stating he wants us to live right by God’s eye. He is even talking about marriage now. I really don’t know what is going on with him. But to answer your question again, I feel that he loves me(he has even been more affectionate lately trying to compensate for the lack of sex) and is just not making love to me. I trust him, if I had any inkling that he were with someone else I would leave. Maybe I am just over reacting and this is better for us in the long run.

C tha 1

December 3rd, 2009
9:36 am

Dang Be Content? you grown as hell. Did you mess up? Ahh, yeah. You done F’ed up now. But you’re in a salvagable situation. Dude says he’s stressed so help him get through his situation. Having a high sex drive can be a real B sometimes. How often you’re used to gettin’ it?
Oh before I forget…thank you for throughing some Lawrey’s on the blog this morning.

Raqi

December 3rd, 2009
9:39 am

Be Content, and if you know he is stressed you should be more understanding. We sometimes allow our selfishness to take over. That is a downfall of us all.

Dream_n--1 day until lil dreams bday

December 3rd, 2009
9:39 am

Is it possible to have it all?

I wish it was, but unfortunately it’s impossible to have it all. *sigh*

There’s nothing wrong with having realistic expectations when choosing your mate. Life is too short to waste time on numerous bad relationships. It’s funny because people want you to make the mistakes that they did, and when you don’t or take the necessary measures to avoid the prolonged dating saga they had to endure, they want to sit back and wait on your destruction.

Right now I’m on a much needed find yourself, get your career in motion kinda track. I’m much for proccupied with trying to raise my daughter to be a productive member of society, than trying to find Mr. Right. He’ll come to me, I’m not searching for him.

What I have learned is kinda what WiseD described, I’ve learned what I can’t really tolerate. I need patience, understanding, self control, respect,and other necessitites to attain a healthy relationship. I don’t look at dating as some sort of sport or some sort of game. It’s too dangerous to let any and every man that winks at you into your life.

I had a friend tell me that my 20’s are for you to make mistakes and date numerous men and your 30’s are for you to regret all of your mishaps. I kinda laughed it off, and thought to myself. “Are you serious”?

Naw not for me…

Be Content

Don’t jump to conclusions.. That’s probaby the worst thing you can do. Have you been on MSN, this very topic was being talked about a couple of days ago.

Melo

December 3rd, 2009
9:43 am

He tell’s me he is trying to get closer to God and do things

Content?? I almost lambasted u for stressing on a man who is on a Godly path untill u said this,we are not married!!

ditto..that did it for me…

Either,1)the man is truly thankful for the sexx,but it was empty and after he got his thirst quenched,he realises…eehhhhh,he needs something deeper..so dont even go there coz God will still win.
Or 2)..hes on his way out,thanx for the sexx but the game is now over..The God excuse is just an excuse in escapance(wrd)..a parachute…hes waiting on u to do what u did today,give ultomatum,so that he can leave with a good conscience.

The cow is milked!

ON TOPIC

Can we expect to have it all or is it a fantasy?

WD?? i dont know where the nearest book store is for u but go there,buy a cindirella book and u be good….my 11yr old can help u if u want.

Good merning creamers,back strokers and uall squiters! :lol:

SlimOne

December 3rd, 2009
9:45 am

Morning all!

I think women tend to make more of a deal about a man they are with not giving up the D as opposed to a man not getting it from a chick they’re dating. I’m sure it goes back to being told that all men want is the vah jay jay..so when they aren’t after it, or accepting it when it’s being thrown at them, we automatically assume something major is wrong. Whether it be he is getting it elsewhere, no longer desires you or whatever…even when buddy is saying it’s due to the rut of not having a job we just can’t fathom them STILL not wanting it after a whole 3wks. JMO but what do I know

Dream_n--1 day until lil dreams bday

December 3rd, 2009
9:46 am

Be Content

See there lies the underlying problem. His faith versus your lack of. Two people joining into a union should not be unequally yolked. If you are not on the same road as your SO, my suggestion is to cut your loses now. No since in prolonging the inevitable.

But if you can see yourself trying to be more understanding and sympathize with what he’s going through, and allow him to follow his heart, then stick it out. Stand behind him and do something that shows him that you are going to be with through his journey.

Dan

December 3rd, 2009
9:51 am

@Dream

What does “equally yolked” even mean?

Raqi

December 3rd, 2009
9:52 am

I have a problem with the whole religion thing and him “getting closer to God

I knew that was going to be the problem from reading your first post. Be Content, you are not the one for him and he is not the one for you. Period.

He has the right to seek a closeness with God and should not be made to feel bad about it. My suggestion is you need to go find someone else that is more suitable for you. He needs to do the same.

SlimOne

December 3rd, 2009
9:54 am

Also, Be Content….the fact that you say you don’t understand how God could take both your parents at such a young age but yet be with a man who now feels desire to pull closer to that entity you have no understanding of is really going to be the BIGGER picture. If you feel betrayed by God due to your past experience, it’s only going to grow into a bigger deal (aka resentment) the more he pulls to in that direction.

DO you feel God is now trying to take your SO away from you in some shape form or fashion? (just a question)

i'm swiss

December 3rd, 2009
9:56 am

Well said, Raqi!

Now, back to Content

Admittedly, I can be a pretty cynical b@stard, so my first inclination upon hearing your story was to think, “he’s getting it somewhere else.” But you seem certain that’s not the case, and you should know better than anyone else.

So… if it really is all just a matter of him wanting to get “closer to god” then you’ve just got to decide if you’re down with that long-term. Personally, I think religion in general is BS & attempting to repress one’s sexual desires in the name of religion just leads to more perversion (just ask an alter boy) — but that’s another blog. :lol: As for your ultimatum… well, I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with ultimatums, so long as you’re okay with the fact that the person has 2 choices in that scenario & may not choose you. Bottom line, if the lack of sex is a deal-breaker for you, then it’s good that you let him know that.

Raqi

December 3rd, 2009
9:58 am

Enter your comments hereDan, I think it is because many only look at the word from one perspective. The word has been used in a negative way when it comes to relationships. Yes there is a bad “settling”. But there is also a definition of settling that means to be content with. That person posting as “Be Content” probably did so because the topic is about settling. She used a positive term yet posted in a negative tone.

We all should learn to be content with reality. Reality is no one is perfect in every sense. We must decide within ourselves what is really important.

czBrat

December 3rd, 2009
9:59 am

GM All!

Seems most are on the same page with this topic. It is entirely unrealistic to want it all, unless you know that you bring ALL to your relationship (i.e. are you perfect???). Me, I fully realize I have imperfections that my s/o must deal with …. in return I deal with his. That’s compromise (or ’settling’) on the smaller things for the joy of the greater things we have found in each other.

Dan

December 3rd, 2009
10:02 am

@Raqi

Is that maturity though? Because for me it’s logic.

I’m not everything I want to be and I recognize and accept my own failings as a human, why would I not do the same for someone else? I mean, I just don’t get it.

How (I’m asking for an opinion) are there still females walking around with this mindset?

Dream_n--1 day until lil dreams bday

December 3rd, 2009
10:02 am

Dan

“unequally yolked”

Means when two people are not spiritual intune with one another.

M. (pronouced M dot)

December 3rd, 2009
10:06 am

Hey WD.

Good topic and I will make this short and sweet: 2 points:

Have you ever taken the time to think about your past relationships to realize what exactly went wrong?

1. I was thinking about this while on my trip to Dallas last week and I dont want to sound chavunistic, but I know EXACTLY where my last relationship went wrong. I am honest enough to admit this but I did not check disrespect early in the relationship. How you start is how you finish. She would talk real slick at the mouth and I dont know why I accepted it at first. Looking back, it was a test for her to find her boundaries from know own. I learned that respect is primary in a relationship.

Do you think that settling is necessary to be with someone?

2. Settling is something that I have been discussing alot lately with my friends. Settling is not necessary in order to be with someone. To me, it is directly tied to STANDARDS. It is important for guys that you have a certain level of integrity and standards for the women that we deal with. It’s like saying “I will not go under this” in any area, career, number of kids, looks, whatever. I am at the point where I would rather have nothing than a half stepping relationship. Plus I dont want to force any issue with a woman. I am comfortable enough being single and dont have to have a woman under me all the time.

Dan

December 3rd, 2009
10:06 am

@Dreams

Happy birthday to you daughter, BTW.

But here’s my thing about “yolked”, the Bible is interpreted in many different ways (for different reasons), if the way I interpret the Bible isn’t the way you or your pastor interprets it, does that make us ‘unequally yoked’?

That’s assuming we even believe in the same interpretation of God.

Leggs

December 3rd, 2009
10:10 am

Good morning. I guess it’s just me, but 19 days w/o is not a long time factoring all that’s going on. Stress is a killjoy all across the board. Tolerance, understanding (and perhaps that removable showerhead ImAPeach refers to) can go along way. No one should give another an “ultimatium” on anything. Why would you want something you “forced.” The pleasure can’t possibly be of high quality. You might as well ask for a dry hump w/your clothes on. I’m just saying…

@Dan, “equally yolked” means the fabric of the relationship has more smoother lines than wrinkles!

Luvbug

December 3rd, 2009
10:12 am

Do you think that settling is necessary to be with someone? Yes. At least I would hope so. I would hate to have a guy require I be perfect…but then – this is a loaded question. Settling means different things to different people…many times extremely different.

Is it possible for us to find a person that has everything we want? Don’t think so.

Can we expect to have it all or is it a fantasy? No, I think it’s a fantasy. Happily single or married or whatever arrangement, nobody has it all or will…no matter what their selling.

How realistic are we in our expectations? Can’t speak for others, but I think I am fair in my expectations…when presented with the options and the consequences, I’m generally content in my choices so far…and the consequences too.

SexyCool - Loves Orange LifeSavers, too.

December 3rd, 2009
10:12 am

Three Words Daily – Do for others.

Luvbug

December 3rd, 2009
10:13 am

Melo

December 3rd, 2009
10:14 am

Dan,equally yolked means we on the same path… its that simple

The clever pastor will want to add some goldy mystique to it,to make his message appear more annointed hence drawing the Big crowd and consequently a fuller collection plate. :lol:

Entrepeneurship runs deep in America! :lol:

SexyCool - Loves Orange LifeSavers, too.

December 3rd, 2009
10:15 am

This time I wanted it all….and I’m getting it. :)

Leggs

December 3rd, 2009
10:16 am

No one should settle, but one should recognize the difference between settling and compromising.

Luvbug

December 3rd, 2009
10:17 am

@Content
First things first…don’t take the advice of complete strangers when it comes to your relationship… or at least take it with a grain of salt

Now my advice: 1) Apologize, if you feel you’ve rushed to judgment on your ultimatum. 2) Deeply consider his reasoning for less sex and state your understanding of his trouble and new religious direction to him in detail and sympathetically so he knows you understand his struggles. 3) Let him know you’re struggling with his newness and want to make it work for both of you.

Again…GRAIN OF SALT…the real answers are probably in the small details we don’t know and you’ve not written about.

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 3rd, 2009
10:18 am

@Dan

Thanx for the bday wishes.

I see where your’re going.

Interpretation and beliefs are two different things.

When it comes to that term “unequally yolked”, I see it as two individuals believing in different things. Beliefs are very sacred and important in most peoples lives. I can’t be with someone who does not believe in jesus christ, and some one who is a muslim would most likely not want to entertain a relationship with me. So why try to force something… We would be polar opposites.

Raqi

December 3rd, 2009
10:19 am

Dan, I agree with you. Maturity or not I can’t say. One fault many are guilty of is thinking more highly of ourselves than we really are. Sometimes it takes others to show and tell us where we are going wrong. Many choose not to listen because they think they are perfect.

It’s sorta like this. You have a spot on the back of you left sleeve but when you look at yourself in the mirror you find no flaws. You walk up to a woman that has a spot on her right pants leg and you say “she has a flaw. I don’t like her”. Now whether or not she knows about her flaw is one thing but her being judged as flawed by a person that does not see or recognize his own flaw is something totally different. That is what many of us do.

Some after being made aware of their flaw will try to mask it and pretend it does not exist. As far as they are concerned as long as you don’t know about it, it does not exist. Then some just learn to live with their flaws and make the most out of life all it has to offer. Those that recognize and live with them trying to better it are those that accept that no one is perfect and probably have better success at connecting with others.

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 3rd, 2009
10:19 am

No one should settle, but one should recognize the difference between settling and compromising.

Exactly Legss!!

C tha 1

December 3rd, 2009
10:21 am

You know I guess I’m having a similar issue. My wife hasn’t given me any in 3 months!! 3 MONTHS!!! Then again she did just have a 8lb baby through C-Section but still the grace period is over. I’m just sayin.

The irony is that while she was pregnant she was horny as hell. By month 6 she was showing pretty good and wanted it all the time. I didn’t. She got pissed. When she asked why I wasn’t feeling it anymore I told her the truth . . . the sanitized version.

Me: Baby, your stomach is in the way

Wife: I’m still sexy. What’s wrong with you? I’m carrying your baby.

Me: Yeah you still got it going on, but the thought of you carrying my baby don’t do it for me, feel me.

Wife: I think your testosterone is low. I don’t want to be one of those couples that’s in a sexless relationship.

By the time she went on about it like that I felt sort of bad. I broke her off, but it was more of a chore than anything. And sex should never be a chore. What can I say, I’m a visual guy. If I said what I really thought I would’ve kissed any future lovin goodbye.

Me: Baby, you’re big . . . ger . . . today . . . than you were last week. I need some time to process it all. Rain Check?

Wife: (Disgusted Eye Roll)…..Asshole, forget I even asked. . .just forget it.

But now she’s in Mommy mode and Daddy ain’t gettin no lovin. I know its hormonal, but I’ve noted in the Mental Married Record Book that I took several for the team when I wasn’t feeling it.

Jeff

December 3rd, 2009
10:22 am

Simple answers to the main topic and the subtopic:

If this man you want has “it all”, what are you bringing to the table that is going to make him pick you over others?

He hasn’t been interested for 19 days? Welcome to our world sunshine.

Be Content?

December 3rd, 2009
10:23 am

Thank you all for your input, he has tried to include me in his journey. All I have done is pushed back. He just called me from work and was upset with the ultimatum. He told me that even though he loves sex that it does not rule him and that I need to do what I need to do. i asked him what does that mean. He say’s that he may want to come home and sex me down or that I may need to get a “toy” but if I do anything that violates “our trust” that he is putting me out. I think he just gave me an ultimatum. I thank you all for the different perspectives. I am going to meet him for lunch. Have a good rest of the day.

abc

December 3rd, 2009
10:25 am

Chances are, the things that you feel are right for you in another person, yet to be met, are probably off the mark. You don’t really know what it’s going to be until they’re there, and that little light bulb goes off.

Be Content, you really flunked the grace and compassion test. 18 months is a lot of time to give away due to a slip like that, but it’s such a telling characteristic, if I were him, I’d be out of there. I can’t imagine it’d be just that one thing, such a strong ultimatum, that jumped up out of nowhere. Good luck, though.

Melo

December 3rd, 2009
10:27 am

Enter your comments here

Dream_n~ Soaring above the Fray

December 3rd, 2009
10:28 am

M.
I just read your post.. and I agre with your statement.

“I am at the point where I would rather have nothing than a half stepping relationship.”

Raqi

December 3rd, 2009
10:30 am

Luvbug from reading Content’s comments the problem is not the lack of sex. Her problem is more of the fact that he is choosing to seek a relationship with God. Whether or not his search is the true reason for the 3 weeks of no sex that is what she does not like about him so she is making her issue with God be the reason.

She mentioned work and stress. Why not have a problem with the company that employs him that is making him stressed? To be fair and all.