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Bad Romance

It doesn’t matter how many times Lady Gaga sings it, being caught in a bad romance is like being stuck on a broken carousel being operated by an evil clown. The worst part of it is that we willingly hop on the ride and subject ourselves to the vicious cycle of drama.

You know what they say, the first step is admitting you have a problem. So admit it.  The bad romances you end up with is partly because you are attracting what you are putting out there.  When you have low self-esteem, lack confidence and believe that you don’t deserve better, you don’t get any better. This shows in the choices you make in people that you let occupy your mental space and time.

I was guilty of doing this and it wasn’t until I figured out how great I am  (no, seriously I was slow to realize it) that I started to discover what it was like to date someone else who is great. I had to go through too many bad romances but you don’t have to!

First, how do you define a bad romance? How do you know when it’s bad? It may sound like a strange question but a lot of times we don’t know until it’s too late how bad it is.

Second, how do you get off the cycle of bad romances? What has worked for you?

Third, once you are in a good position to find a good romance, how do you avoid messing it up?  There are definitely some adjustments to be made when you are so used to the bad romances from your past. When it is good, relaxing into it and keeping the drama at bay could be challenging but not impossible.

Getting off the bad romance carousel before 2010? Yes, please! Let’s Discuss

322 comments Add your comment

Dan

December 1st, 2009
8:15 am

WD, I usually take your point but, a “bad” romance is a misnomer at best.

If you’re dealing or in a relationship that is more work than fun, then that’s a bad decision (getting in/being in that relationship). To assign arbitrary power (”end up in”) to a choice is aviodance at best and denial at worst.

I get that you’re finding yourself in a good and healthy relationship (congrats by the way), but make an honest accounting of choices that led you to the good and the bad so that you don’t “end up in” another “bad” romance.

My2cents.

Good morning all

SlimOne

December 1st, 2009
8:56 am

Dan, I think I need one more cup of coffee before I can even ATTEMPT to digest what you said. LOL

SexyCool - It is what it is.

December 1st, 2009
9:01 am

Three Words Daily – Love yourself well.

SexyCool - It is what it is.

December 1st, 2009
9:04 am

Raqi...À l'intérieur et hors

December 1st, 2009
9:18 am

Been there, done that. Bad romance for me was that relationship that felt so right but it was so wrong. And bad. The start of it elated me and the end of it crushed me.

I am very much enjoying my good romance that I have now. It’s all right.

ImAPeach404

December 1st, 2009
9:19 am

First, how do you define a bad romance? How do you know when it’s bad?

I would define a bad romance as one that leaves you unfulfilled. Possibly one in which you give more than you get. However, determining if you are unfulfilled is a bit difficult – for me anyway. I think the best way I’ve heard things described is from “Why Did I Get Married”… the 80-20 Rule. That idea is very palpable to me. I’m not going to get 100% of what I want. I’m just not. I have to decide if what i’m missing is greater than what i’m getting.

In my current situation I feel a little unfulfilled at times and struggle with the 80-20 thing. Would I say it’s a bad romance? Nope. But if things don’t work out its possible I’d be left with that feeling…

Raqi...À l'intérieur et hors

December 1st, 2009
9:19 am

Bad romance is that situation Leggs was talking about yesterday.

SexyCool - It is what it is.

December 1st, 2009
9:21 am

I ‘think’ Dan is saying that ‘romance’ shouldn’t be bad, but a relationship can.

Dan

December 1st, 2009
9:27 am

@SC

Thanks. But the crux of what I said was that choices make a “bad” romance. So when you get in a “good” one, don’t repeat the same mistakes.

Raqi...À l'intérieur et hors

December 1st, 2009
9:28 am

Peachy that 80-20 applies to us all. The key is what makes up the 80 and what makes up the 20. If the 80 consist of the traits and things that are most important in a relationship and that outside of the superficial then it works. That 20 should be left for the shallowness of us all. The things that we may like but it will not make or break the relationship.

None of us are perfect and there will always be something about our mates that we find that we do not like, but as long as I have those things that are most important to me in having a relationship that other is just not that important.

THE INFAMOUS DK

December 1st, 2009
9:28 am

My Marriage was a bad romance.. It started out wonderful but ended with explosions and flames.. Today I see me as a free person.. Not just out of a relationship free but free from all the nonsense of going thru the motions. I see myself with someone great but even better than that I see myself being great for them. I took accountaility of what I did wrong in th relationsship and will not make the same mistakes again. I would like to thank my EX for making me a better Man for my next “Latest Greatest Inspriation”.. Hmmmmmm I wonder if I should tell her that… ;-)

Raqi...À l'intérieur et hors

December 1st, 2009
9:29 am

SexyCool, I’m glad you understood it. LOL I was totally lost.

Dan

December 1st, 2009
9:30 am

Hey ladies, next time you feel insecure about the booty, look what other women are risking to get it:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/30/solange-magnano-argentina_n_374716.html

THE INFAMOUS DK

December 1st, 2009
9:31 am

Dan – I fools with you Homeboi.. I know you get a hard time but dude seriously you keep it 100..

SexyCool - It is what it is.

December 1st, 2009
9:36 am

I was one who kept getting into bad relationships because I kept choosing the wrong dudes for the wrong reasons and even sometimes, for no reason. Then, I kept staying in those bad relationships because I hadn’t learned how to run like the wind when those warning flags started popping up and kept showing up and then took up residence in the relationship.

I’ve learned better. So, I’m doing better. Have I learned enough of what NOT to do to be successful? Well, time will tell.

Dan

December 1st, 2009
9:39 am

Preciate it DK, likewise

Chink

December 1st, 2009
9:42 am

Whats the top ten signs your in a bad romance…

WD I dont agree with “you get what you attract” It just is what it is sometimes.

Question are males the only species that need space..is it unacceptable for a female to ask for space??

Melo

December 1st, 2009
9:43 am

But if things don’t work out its possible I’d be left with that feeling…

Thats it!!

It started out wonderful but ended with explosions and flames..
smetimes u dont know u are in a bad romance until u Out..

DK, why is that..did u change,did she change,what made ur initial choice,which seemed good,suddenly bad….???

I dont think there are any easy answers out there..the key is just to try and find smebody with whom u enjoy stuff and their company and let things fall wherever they may….

Smetimes ple grow out of that “initial person” or “being”,the one u met and become smething else after u married or tgether for a long time.U cannot attribute that “mistake” to urself per se nor to bad choices..its just how things work out in lyfe with some pple.

Good Relationships and romance are more to do with Luck,coincidence,destiny and a Looooooooong,looooong rope of compromise.

Dream_n

December 1st, 2009
9:44 am

Hmmm…

Bad Romance??

Yup, been in one of those and I’m making an effort not to ever find myself in a bunch of crap like that again. It’s all about taking from your experience and applying what you’ve learned. It’s a bad cycle to continue to go through numerous relationships that are not in your best interest. Why put yourself through that type of torture, time and time again… Once you’re out, take the necessary steps to stay out of those relationships and at the first red flag.. chuck the deuces….

THE INFAMOUS DK

December 1st, 2009
9:50 am

Melo – We stopped communicating and that was the beginning of the end..

SexyCool - It is what it is.

December 1st, 2009
9:51 am

Before I learned better, I thought that I kept experiencing bad relationships because “that’s how men are.” Once I realized my responsibility and mistakes in my failed relationships, I began to see improvement.

i'm swiss

December 1st, 2009
9:57 am

“…Looooooooong,looooong rope of compromise.”

I read “loooooooong, looooooooong rope of….” and would have bet the farm that Melo was headed in a completely different direction with that…. :lol:

See the expectations you’ve set, Melo? :lol:

Melo

December 1st, 2009
10:08 am

The only bad romance i can think of is like the one Leggs described about her friend.

From the very beginning, girl aint recognizing game,thats bad.If she pushes it and dude stays stuck with her,she may feel happy but it will be most likely coz the guy is geting easy pudsy,not becoz he likes it..see thats a bad romance from jump.

Other than that,the only thing we can do as pple is to pick our poison and target the type of pple we wld rather date,stick with it and let the chips fall where ever.
If all of us were that precise in our choices,u wldnt have all these ugly tales of drama u hear in divorce or break-up situations….Good Relationships/Romances Gone Bad.

It just tell u(us) that we are not really in control of the outcome.

Good morning folks!

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

December 1st, 2009
10:14 am

Question are males the only species that need space..is it unacceptable for a female to ask for space??

No I don’t think so Chink….why do you think it’s inappropriate for one to ask for what they need?….albeit if the reason they’re asking for “space” seems shady then that’s another Oprah.

On topic: I agree with Peach on that one b/c I’ve been in relationships where I didn’t feel fulfilled and gave more than I received and just a host of other red flags that I chose to ignore b/c I was in love. Once you know better you MUST do better.

mqew

December 1st, 2009
10:18 am

Chink – I agree, it’s your response after you know.

And it’s what SCool said – It’s running for dear life when flags pop up.

Leggs

December 1st, 2009
10:19 am

Good morning. Yes, Raqi, while reading the topic I thought of my friend. I put on my “logic cap” last night as was suggested because she called me around 7:30 and whined. I can stand a whining woman and told her so. I had to ask how the heck did she let this man get under her skin so quickly. She was moved by their countless hours of convo and how open he was to her with his feelings, etc. Told her she needs to hone in on the art of deception! Anyway, she text then called me this morning to keep her from texting and calling him. I see I will get tired of this quickly.

Ok, bad romance. Personally, once getting out of one I try very, very hard not to get back into one. Main reason why I don’t date all that step to me! You have to be careful and you just can’t go out with someone simply because they asked you.

Dream_n

December 1st, 2009
10:20 am

If all of us were that precise in our choices,u wldnt have all these ugly tales of drama u hear in divorce or break-up situations

And that’s the problem. Settling is a word that many have come accustomed to. Why not be precise. We’re picky in everything else in our lives. Where we live, what we drive, what we wear, or what we choose to put in our mouths(don’t go there Melo)

Why not be precise about who we are choosing to spend our time with. We only have limited time on earth and wasting energy on someone who is nothing but a case of bad herpes is not smart.

That goes for starting a union or just being in a relationship. We need to stop looking past the flaws that are staring us un the face. Stop trying to compromise on things you know you can’t, and then in the end, end up resenting that person. Stop loosing yourself in order to please another person. Stop thiking that one day they will change, when it’s been 2 yrs. Stop wallowing in the fact that you just might be alone for a while. Stop thinking that you can’t make it on your own. Stop needing someone to validate your existance.

If we start being picky with whom we decide to let into our personal space, we can limit the heartaches/heartbreaks.

mqew

December 1st, 2009
10:21 am

I said this first –

WD – I don’t know if I agree with this—–> The bad romances you end up with is partly because you are attracting what you are putting out there. When you have low self-esteem, lack confidence etc etc etc <—-
AS, some people are just plain deceptive and very very very good at being deceptive. I mean after they've found out they've been hoodwinked bamboozled and hornswoggled, the onus is on them to kick rocks!!!

ImAPeach404

December 1st, 2009
10:22 am

@Chink – I agree with you about sometimes it just is what it is. I know my heart and my intentions but that hasn’t prevented me from running into a bunch of a-holes.

We stopped communicating and that was the beginning of the end..

You know, this frightens me like nothing else!!! It makes me so sad/afraid when I see couples at dinner and they say more to the server than they say to each other. How does this happen?

THE INFAMOUS DK

December 1st, 2009
10:23 am

Chink – Asking for space is BS cause you already know you dont want to be in the relationship.. Its unfair to the other person.. Asking for space is another one of those breaking shady moments I spoke about. Space does just that separates the two people and lets them move in opposite directions.. It may make the heart grow fonder but in all likelyhood it makes the heart grow cold for that person because you begin to see you dont have to have drama in your life..

Luvbug

December 1st, 2009
10:26 am

how do you get off the cycle of bad romances?

Based on my record…I am very honest about my intentions and expectations during every stage of my relationships…sometimes it helps, other times it hinders…I give a guy all the info he needs to make a decision…Again – based on my record – I’ve never stayed in a relationship that I’ve felt bad in (common annoyances excluded)…any major character issues that surface, I resolve with a good bye…Cheating? No discussion necessary…I’m gone.

I’ve hurt some feeling…I’ve had my feeling hurt…in my experience it’s equaled out…mainly because until about a year ago, no guy (I don’t care how perfect for me) had a chance of getting my heart…I just wasn’t ready.

I wish I could have put a few on hold until I was…but as usual, I can’t control life.

Melo

December 1st, 2009
10:27 am

If all of us were that precise in our choices,

Dream_n??

the operative word is “that”…

We can be picky but there is no way(i bet u my house) u can find anybody that is 100% of what u like..NO WAY..that is what “that precise” entailed.
Well,u can wait for ever and ever if like…

Be a NUN :lol:

M. (pronouced M dot)

December 1st, 2009
10:28 am

First, how do you define a bad romance? How do you know when it’s bad?

I define a bad romance as a situation that looks good on the outside but that has a lot of issues inside and is just hard to manage. It feels like another task/job rather than something that should be the icing on the cake. I know when it is bad when you two argue and are combatitive about everything.

ImAPeach404

In my current situation I feel a little unfulfilled at times

What area are you feeling unfulfilled if you can put it out there?

Dan

December 1st, 2009
10:28 am

@Dream

Color me surprised by your 10:20.

I really didn’t think folks did/do that. Why would you change who you are for someone else?

Dag, mayne, that sounds a little lost to me.

Melo touched on the “initial person” theme too. Flaws and all, what is the theory behind creating another identity to impress someone that may not be worth it?

I know from Day 1 that I ain’t everyone’s cup of tea, so why hide it?

THE INFAMOUS DK

December 1st, 2009
10:28 am

Chink – also people talk about being a man or a woman about the situation.. This is the time to show what you are.. Not you per se but you get it.. If you want space think about it and make the decision to go your separate ways cause keeping that person around until you have moved on is hurtful because 9 times out of 10 they still want the relationship. This door leads to cheating lane.. Dont be a Pu$$y or a coward make a decision and live with it.. At least this way no one else influenced your decision..

mqew

December 1st, 2009
10:30 am

WOW I agree with DK – Ummm yeah ASKING for space is BS. While absence makes the heart grow fonder it is not the same as me asking my SO to kick rocks for a sec. That’s not what that old adage means.

WTHeezy happened to my first post?

ImAPeach404

December 1st, 2009
10:31 am

Once you know better you MUST do better.

Hmmmm… so does this apply to knowing of something that your S/O would like in the relationship? i.e – them saying “It upsets me when you don’t xyz” and “xyz” is something you’re not fully on board with or don’t want to do. Should knowing that by not doing “xyz” upsets your S/O make you do better in that area???

@Leggs – can you direct me to the post about your friend from yesterday (the time you posted it)? Now im curious!

I’ve realized that anything can seem important if it’s the one thing thats missing…

Dream_n

December 1st, 2009
10:32 am

IDK

That 10:23 is on point.

That whole notion of needing space for the most part is the beginning of the end. You get that space, and as DK said, you realize that you can really deal w/out all the unnecessary drama. You find out that you are in a good mood more often than a bad one.. You tend to walk with an extra humph in your step… Noe if you need time to sort things out, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but that time can open your eyes.. believe me.

THE INFAMOUS DK

December 1st, 2009
10:32 am

Peach – It happens because instead of dealing with minor issues you overlook stuff and not address it.. Then as soon as the next issue arises you are on one from the last episode, soooo.. It then becomes easier just not to talk to the person to minimize the BS..

Melo

December 1st, 2009
10:35 am

“I need some space” means “I want Out”

Just say it!

Raqi...À l'intérieur et hors

December 1st, 2009
10:35 am

Infamous I agree that the “needing space” commits or excuses can be filed under the BS category. If a person is no longer interested they should state it and move on.

I also agree with statement about the lose of communication being the beginning of the end. Communication in relationships is very important. It’s how you deal. When it’s gone the relationship is pretty much over.

THE INFAMOUS DK

December 1st, 2009
10:36 am

Oh and on the space thing.. Last one.. You can get the space and that other person might not wanna come back.. They might enjoy the space more than you.. then you all like oh Ive thought about it and I miss you to find out they dont miss you. Space is a MF.. Work it out or get on gone.. The Yo-yo effect is terrible.

Dream_n

December 1st, 2009
10:37 am

Melo

Of course noone is ever 100% of what you are looking for…smh

I’m talking about the BS that you know you can walk away from, but choose to stay and roll around in. I know there’s noone perfect out there..come on now. That’s not what I’m saying at all.

And I’ll pass on the NUN job… :lol:

mqew

December 1st, 2009
10:37 am

DreamN – Yeah it sounds a lil dream-landish. Picky hunh? Ummmm I’m with melo – no one will be OneHunnit.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

December 1st, 2009
10:39 am

Morning Ya’ll

Agreeing with Infamous, asking for space is selfish. Why should I sit back and hang in limbo while you pretend to be indecisive?? Besides how is space defined? Can I date other people while you take advantage of your ’space’ or vice versa? That sounds like you are stalling and its not fair to your SO.

On topic: bad romance? Bad relationship yes, but I dont know about a bad romance

The Truth-Somewhere in the desert playing

December 1st, 2009
10:39 am

Good mornig good people.

On topic: My “relationship from hell” lasted on and off for 4 years. The good thing is I saw early on some things she did to a cousin and also a good friend so I mentally told myself that this one wasnt going to be smooth. Really. The booty was hot though and as long as it kept coming I could put up with alot. Looking back though she was a blip on the screen. For the most part I’ve dated some pretty nice women. Even my marriage wasnt bad, though a few bad weeks and it was over. So goes love. LOL

Hey Chink, 2 things. You really do get what you put out and asking for space is pre bye bye talk. LMAO

mqew

December 1st, 2009
10:46 am

OK so what I said in my first post is –

I disagree with WD that you don’t ALWAYS get what you put out. Some people are just extremely deceptive and extremely good at being deceptive. SO, after the deceit is out, the onus is that person to kick rocks ASAP!

Dream_n

December 1st, 2009
10:46 am

I really didn’t think folks did/do that. Why would you change who you are for someone else?

Uhh yea Dan it happens… If we have a 30 something yr old going Coo Coo for Coa Coa puffs over a 4 hr rump session.. then this is not that hard to belive..

(no offense to your friend Leggs)

Dan

December 1st, 2009
10:47 am

@Truth

How much longer you got over there?

Mo (aka Moeisha)

December 1st, 2009
10:48 am

Hey Truth, Glad you could pop in! How is the desert?