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Archive for December, 2009

Are Black Women Doomed?

Recently, ABC’s Nightline did a segment entitled, “Single, Black, Female — and Plenty of Company.  You can tell by the title that it’s intended to highlight, the varying reasons many women of color are still unmarried, “despite success” in their careers.

Perhaps I am a bit oversensitive to this kind of thing because I obviously fit the single, black, female criteria.  I just wonder why a person’s career success should automatically translate into success in finding a mate.  Did I miss something?

I know there are friends of mine of many races and backgrounds that have a desire to marry, but I don’t get the sense that they feel entitled to it simply because they have achieved success.

Whenever I hear or read stories like this, I have to really wonder, what is the point of tossing out the “forty-two percent”  have not married statistic. Then they take it further and highlight the difference as  “double the number of white women”. Seriously?

So wait, are black women  in some …

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Tis the Season

Brace yourself singles! The forecast calls for a cold winter, which translates into the cold AND dry season for some of us on the dating scene. Dating dry spells are prevalent this time of year as our prospects dry up.  If spring didn’t bring you a fling, and fall hasn’t delivered your dream guy or girl, then the next couple of months can be REALLY cold.

When you add in the ever so lovely Seasonal Affective Disorder (yes, it’s literally **SAD!**), you can find yourself in a seriously funky mood that’s hard to shake, making your dry spell last even longer. Nobody wants to date a buzzkill, no matter how hot you are!

So what is a single to do? Well you may have to get a bit creative. My friend Jamie has decided to entertain in her home more. She will send out evites to friends, associates, and old flames to gather at her home for different activities: game night, chilli get togethers, or sports nights. They are encouraged to bring a pal so that the male-female ratio is ideal. …

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Naughty or Nice?

If you survived Thanksgiving and all those well-intentioned relatives asking about your dating life, congratulations!  You cleared the first holiday without sinking into a funk about your lacking love life. Being single and dateless during the holidays doesn’t have to spell doom.  For all of us who are single during the holidays, here are some tips on holidating:

Mingle: You know all those e-vites that are sitting in your inbox for holiday gatherings? Open them! Even if you don’t know who you want to take, just RSVP and go! The goal should not be to  score phone numbers, though. Relax, be yourself, and laugh. When you aren’t focused on the numbers game, I think you are able to enjoy the people/experience more. Trust me. I’ve had the most fun at holiday parties without a date.  I played the card games, sipped on yummy drinks, and grabbed random hot guys to stand under some mistletoe! (Yes, I have been known to carry my own. Don’t judge me.)

Venture out: It’s getting cold, …

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Dating Quid Pro Quo

I find it so fascinating to hear a man’s perspective on dating.  I often wonder what it is like on their end because men can have different expectations. I have talked with men who believe that a successful relationship has a balanced “quid pro quo” (or something for something)  situation.  They think that they offer something to women and expect the same, or something else in return.

Ideally, I suppose it would be beneficial for both people who are dating to feel that they are getting a return on their investment, so to speak.  So what happens when it doesn’t work out that way?

Do you think that dating should be a quid pro quo situation? If women are giving their time, energy, etc. to a guy, what is she expecting from him in return?  When men are seeking to offer their time and energy on a woman, is it appropriate for a quid pro quo situation to exist?

It seems as if balancing it out would be challenging, at best, but shouldn’t we try anyway?

A friend of mine told me …

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Get It Off Your Chest

I don’t know about you, but I am elated to see 2009 come to an end. It’s been quite a year, to say the least!  I can remember having moments when I just wanted to scream – from excitement, frustration, or pure happiness. Are you glad the year is almost over?

As a year ends, I tend to reflect back on  misadventures and the adventures.  I think most of us learned some lessons along the way, even if they were stressful at the time.  What did you discover this past year that taught you something about yourself?

What do you want to vent about dating or being single this year? Sometimes you just need to vent and get it all off your chest.  This allows you to move on and leave the past behind you, where it belongs.

This year was like a roller coaster ride, you either want to kiss the year goodbye or give it a one-finger salute. What did you love or hate about 2009?

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I Blame Hollywood

“I blame Hollywood,” Jeff said with a straight face.  My buddy was trying to convince me that romantic comedies and films about love have contributed to relationship fantasies.  He thinks they set us up for unrealistic expectations because we see what romance “looks like” on the big screen then feel let down when we don’t have the same thing.

I don’t know, I felt rather insulted.  I consider myself pretty realistic.  Do I love romance in films? Of course! Am I expecting the men I date to be the Darius Lovehall to my Nina Mosely (Love Jones)? Not so much!

I argued that if women have distorted views about relationships from romance films then men should consider their porn consumption.  Some men watch porn and expect the same in real life.  I know, it was a weak counter argument, but I kept a straight face anyway!

If men can distinguish from their sexual fantasies that are played out in porn, why can’t women do the same with romance in film? What do you guys think?  Are …

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Asset or Liability

One thing I have long admired about (smart) men is that when they decide to commit to a woman, they usually know for sure the value she brings to his life.   They take calculated risks when it comes to determining whether a woman is an asset or a liability.

It may not sound all romantic and whimsical, but in reality it is.  Once a man sees that his woman is an asset, his connection with her becomes deeper.  I think women struggle with this concept sometimes. A lot of us determine asset/liability with different criteria then men do. It leads to us taking bigger risks then we probably should.

I am generalizing, of course, but I believe that women and men can both learn alot from each other when it comes to determining asset or liability of potential partners. For example, some women view a previous marriage as a liability, for whatever reason.  If someone has been married before, they are probably more likely to realistic expectations about marriage. This could actually be …

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Breakup Etiquette

If you are one of those individuals that decided to break up with someone to avoid giving gifts and holiday craze, stay classy!  This is the type of behavior that gets filed as bad breakup etiquette.

A friend of mine was telling me that he doesn’t think there is such a thing as good etiquette when you are dumping someone.  There is simply no good way of saying I don’t want to sleep with you anymore. Fair enough,  but that doesn’t mean you get to act like a total jerk, either.

I’m beginning to wonder if the disappearing act is the nicest way to dump someone. Is it the lesser of all the evils? Perhaps, if you consider having an awkward conversation about why you aren’t going to work our gut wrenching torture. In comparison, fading away can look to be easiest, but not to the person who is left wondering what happened.

In your experiences, do you have good breakup etiquette? Can you outright tell someone that they aren’t the one?  When things start to go south, why does it …

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Single-ish During the Holidays

If you have a current person of interest things can get tricky.  Holidays has this weird double-edged sword effect.  From the awkward gift exchanges, to meeting friends and family,to  accompanying each other to parties – it can  accelerate a good thing, or hit the brakes on a bad one.

If you have only just started seeing each other, expectations during the holiday should be kept in perspective.  I think it is a good idea to use the extra time you have together to do fun activities that allow you to showcase your personalities.

Instead of conforming to the idea of being a “couple during the holidays” why not seize the opportunity to be relaxed and silly. No expectations or obligations.

If you don’t get to spend a lot of time with the your new person of interest, don’t count it all bad. They may have had prior social obligations or trips already scheduled. It doesn’t mean they are not interested.

What are you planning for the holidays? Will you be going to a lot of events …

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Let Your Guard Down

I am not sure if men are always aware of this, but it takes some women time to let our guard down with a man sexually.  A lot of us believe that it is your job to make us not feel self conscious about our bedroom activities.  If a woman can see that you respect her and she can trust you, it allows her to let her guard down.

So what happens when a man doesn’t seem trustworthy? Well, a lot of women take the risk anyway. Sometimes we want it as badly as you do! We may or may not regret that, but that is part of our ongoing dilemma of when/if we decide to sleep with someone.

Ladies, are you ever concerned about maintaining a “good girl” image when it comes to your bedroom behavior? Do you think that you hold back because you worry about a stereotype of some kind?

Guys, do you ever have a problem with getting women to let their guard down with you? Do you make an effort to gain trust from the women you date?  Are you ever slow to let your guard down with a woman in the …

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