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Takes One to Know One

Today Gwinnett Arena is being descended upon by a lot of trucks and dirt for the Professional Bull Riders events that kick off  (no pun, intended)  tonight.  Later today, I have a meet up with PBR’s official “barrel man” Flint Rasmussen for an interview and hopefully I can get a crash course in man wrangling!

Flint RasmussenFLINT

I’m secretly hoping he will be dressed just like this. Either outfit would work.

Some of the best advice I have received about dating men - who want to marry – has come from men who have done it and are happy about it.  That’s right, happily married men exist and they are chock full of good information single men and women can take heed to.

I just think it’s good practice to seek out people who have reached the destination that you desire. Often times they can offer great insight on their journey, including mistakes and pitfalls.

It could also be helpful to introduce someone you are dating to your trusted married friends.  Some of my married guy friends can spot a player from a mile away and are quick to let me know it.  They are all, “Game recognizes game. Get rid of him, he reminds me of myself when I didn’t care!”

You know the saying, takes one to know one, right?  Well, if you take your date around married friends, you can find out from them if the person you are seeing is marriage-minded. You know, just in case you aren’t totally convinced by spending quality time with them.

What is the best advice you have received from someone who is happily married? What did they warn you about when it comes to relationships?

Have you ever introduced the person you are dating to your friends who are married? Have they ever advised you to run for the hills? Did you listen?

P.S. I’m meeting the happily married Mr. Rasmussen  early this afternoon, you can still post questions for him to answer today!

Happy Friday!

2:23 UPDATE:

I had a great meet up with Flint! He was super friendly and hilarious. Flint and his wife have been married 15 years! That’s like TWO seven year itches under his belt, people.

I asked him what has worked for him and his wife all these years. He said, “lots of sex” (YESSS) and also the fact that they really enjoy their time together.   She balances him out and can be the “voice of reason”.   He also said that the fact that he travels so much for work, doesn’t hurt either!  When he goes home, they are rarely apart.

So basically, I need to find a traveling salesman who loves sex and then live happily ever after.  Easy breezy RIGHT!?

258 comments Add your comment

Don't be cruel

November 20th, 2009
8:32 am

Bull riding? That’s horrible.

Leggs

November 20th, 2009
8:52 am

Good morning, everyone!

Oui vey! :cool:

Leggs

November 20th, 2009
9:17 am

I’m still first :eek:

Leggs

November 20th, 2009
9:21 am

Now that I read the entire topic, I took my boyfriend around a dear friend of mine. Him and his wife seemed to welcome him. Only found out after our divorce that my male friend never thought my ex was good enough for me but felt it wasn’t his place to say anything.

Leggs

November 20th, 2009
9:22 am

How’d you sneak up there, Don’t be cruel??? (smile)

Raqi...I believe I am one...??????

November 20th, 2009
9:22 am

I just think it’s good practice to seek out people who have reached the destination that you desire. Often times they can offer great insight on their journey, including mistakes and pitfalls.

Who would have thunk it? And I do agree.

Raqi...I believe I am one...??????

November 20th, 2009
9:25 am

Good Morning Leggs.

abc

November 20th, 2009
9:35 am

What’s with the daily bull riding and rodeo clown thing? You’re promoting it for something else you have to write, or what?

Leggs

November 20th, 2009
9:36 am

Morning, Raqi.

Of course it’s advantageous to reach out to those that have already been on the journey one is about to embark on. Although each person’s journey will be unique to them, a person who has gone “through it” will be a better educator for the one starting out on the same path. Since the dawn of time, people have sought the wisdom of those more experienced. That won’t change. It would be foolish to ask someone how to change a baby’s diaper if they’ve never changed one themselves. I may be blind going in, but with the help of a visually paired person, my picture will come into focus!

bosseswife

November 20th, 2009
9:37 am

Good Friday Morning Bloggers!

What really makes marriage work is when you have two people who are givers! Two takers will never last and a give and taker would have to have a keen sense on when to switch those roles. But when you have two people who enjoy giving to each other…you’ve got a recipe for success!

BTW – For all of you that think because someone is different from you , that it is impossible to have a good relationship, think out of box and look at the heart of the matter no one thought our relationship would last either, because we were so different….but it has been almost 15years!

Raqi...I believe I am one...??????

November 20th, 2009
9:42 am

I get some of the best advice from my closest dearest friend who has been with her husband for over 20 years.

When I informed her that I was getting married she told me straight out “marriage takes putting in the work”. She also told me that after getting pass a rough patch in her marriage she learned that she has to actively be the ideal partner that she wants her husband to be. In other words don’t expect of someone else what you aren’t willing to do yourself.

One thing I have learned myself is you have got to be committed to this thing.

Marriage is a partnership/union/merger.
You have got to want it.
Every day will not be Sunday and fresh baked cookies.
Disagreements do not mean the love is lost.
The will be a need for compromise and sacrifice, but know the difference.
Don’t bring up old stuff after the fact.
When you say you are okay with something be okay with it.
The goods are not a bargaining tool.
Your mate didn’t choose his/her family so hold it against them.
Don’t allow your family and friends to talk down to your mate.

mqew

November 20th, 2009
9:46 am

Good Morning

The best advice from a married person was given to me by my grandfather (60+ years) right before he married us. He advised, “Live like it’s just you two in the world.”

We really didn’t know how to take that because we were so ‘green’, until we indeed needed that advice.

Raqi...I believe I am one...??????

November 20th, 2009
9:46 am

…so DON’T hold it against them.

M. (pronounced M dot)

November 20th, 2009
9:49 am

What is the best advice you have received from someone who is happily married? What did they warn you about when it comes to relationships?

The best advice that I received was if you are not ready, then dont do it. No matter what. And to also not let society, your woman, her family, the wedding planner, or the wedding bliss pressure you into doing something you arent 100% committed to. Do it when you are ready.

SexyCool - Lead me not into temptation. Deliver me from sugar.

November 20th, 2009
9:51 am

Three Words Daily – Face challenges fearlessly.

Raqi...I believe I am one...??????

November 20th, 2009
9:53 am

Leggs I agree that the journeys will different, but I also believe that marriage like anything else has it’s own set of rules that are universal.

While the individuals participating are different, my dad taught me “obey the marriage”. Those vows that we make although speaking of the person, are vows to the marriage. While in this union “I take this man to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, forsaking all others from this day forward until death do us part.”

Cemeeli

November 20th, 2009
9:55 am

“What really makes marriage work is when you have two people who are givers!” Thanks bosseswife

“Live like it’s just you two in the world.” <- Thanks to mqew’s grandaddy!

“The will be a need for compromise and sacrifice, but know the difference. ‘preciate it Raqi.

Happy Friday People!

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

November 20th, 2009
9:56 am

Have you ever introduced the person you are dating to your friends who are married? Have they ever advised you to run for the hills? Did you listen?

Yes I did that with my last relationship….hell actually that was the first and only time I did that cause I was in love, or so I thought. Long story short, I was told to ditch him b/c we were on two different planes with regards to careers,finances and other aspects necessary for a successful relationship. I didn’t listen then but eventually I saw the forest and the trees and decided that we needed to part ways….it was and still is hard at times, especially around this time of year but I…I will survive.

SexyCool - Lead me not into temptation. Deliver me from sugar.

November 20th, 2009
9:56 am

The best insight into marriage that I have ever received came from Rell.

He told me that marriage is saying (not literally) to your partner everyday “I choose you.” And it is a choice that you have to make over arguments, adversity, temptation, kids, whatever. And the moment the other person stops making that choice, whether consciously or not, that’s where big problems become little problems.

And as my pastor always says, “It is the little foxes that spoil the vines.” (From the Song of Solomon)

M. (pronounced M dot)

November 20th, 2009
9:57 am

@Leggs
@Wise

I think all advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt and just because someone is married doesnt give them instant credibility. We only know what is going on on the forefront not behind closed doors.

Leggs,

Something in your 9:21 comment really stayed with me… you said “my male friend never thought my ex was good enough for me”.

It’s funny you say this because I was discussing this with a friend and they were discussing platonic friends on the radio today.

My question is can married people truly be friends with single people?

With your 9:21 comment, I cant help but wonder if he was maybe throwing salt because he knows he never could have a chance with you so maybe he didn’t want to see anyone else get with you. Your thoughts?

I just dont agree there is really genuinely platonic friends. There is always an angle.

SexyCool - Lead me not into temptation. Deliver me from sugar.

November 20th, 2009
10:04 am

Um, yeah…I’m a dunce. Where LITTLE problems become BIG problems.

Y’all know what I meant. ~lol~

abc

November 20th, 2009
10:04 am

Have you ever introduced the person you are dating to your friends who are married? Have they ever advised you to run for the hills?

Not really. There have been some that people would caution me about, but they were ones that I’d never marry, anyway. I’ve experienced similar treatment, though; my ex-wife used to trash me to everyone she knew, even before I met them, so that when I finally did meet them, they’d just look at their shoes and mumble something. It was so consistent that I finally asked her, “just what are you saying about me to all these people”? She lied about it, of course. She said she never talked about me at all, ever. That was a pretty odd lie to come up with, I thought.

Never marry someone who puts their self-interests ahead of yours, and especially ahead of the shared interests of the two of you.

SexyCool - Lead me not into temptation. Deliver me from sugar.

November 20th, 2009
10:05 am

And the moment EITHER person stops making that choice….

Raqi...I believe I am one...??????

November 20th, 2009
10:07 am

“I choose you.”

SexyCool that is so, so true.

Dream_n- 7 days til turkey day

November 20th, 2009
10:11 am

He told me that marriage is saying (not literally) to your partner everyday “I choose you.”

I actually love that! Thanx for sharing that SexyC..

As of right now I don’t want to get married, but I used to look at my grandmother and my grandfather and I used to smile. They were so content with eachother (of course they had their share of problems but what relationship doesn’t. They had 9 children to care for and through my whole years of growing up I admired them.

Melo

November 20th, 2009
10:16 am

my ex-wife used to trash me to everyone she knew, even before I met them

abc?? neva mind her non-explanation,why do u think she did that,REALLY??

Leggs

November 20th, 2009
10:17 am

@M. – “I think all advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt and just because someone is married doesnt give them instant credibility.”

I think it does give them instant credibility simply because I would think one reason one goes to another for advice is because their opinion and hindsight is valued.

My question is can married people truly be friends with single people? I’ve found out that in my case, the answer is NO! You may not have been present when I discussed this. This same friend’s wife asked me to step aside and dissolve our friendship once I became a divorcee. And yes, I believed he was throwing salt because although he was married he recently told me he has always been interested in me and my safe being. Although we were/are (?) friends, we both were married and I didn’t see him and his wife often. Sure we all spent time together at card parties, etc, but that was the extent and many months in between these parties. I truly was oblivious because he never, ever made advances toward me. So I guess that helped with me not knowing. He married years before me and it seemed all was well until my divorce. Ironically, my ex was never bothered by him (could be because he was a big man, out of shape, many medical problems and not my type). Guess he didn’t feel threatened.

@Raqi, I too agree that certain aspects about marriage are “universal.” It’s the tweak on your own marriage that helps boosts the universal definition of a marriage.

Dream_n- 7 days til turkey day

November 20th, 2009
10:17 am

think all advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt and just because someone is married doesnt give them instant credibility

You are absolutely correct M..

Melo

November 20th, 2009
10:18 am

Morning, by the way!!

I get advice from my parents,aunts,uncles,in-laws, etc,pple that I actually respect………all the time.

Its a continous exercise.

Learning does not and will never end,untill u die.

Poppa Grande

November 20th, 2009
10:19 am

M

I think all advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt and just because someone is married doesnt give them instant credibility.

That is true but it really depends more your choice of whom to ask for advice. You can’t arbitrarily pick a married person. There are just certain people whose opinion carry more weight than others.
My parents have been married for 38 years. I know for a fact that every day hasn’t been sunny for them. However, I know that they know how to work through it. Their opinions matter more than Elizabeth Taylor. She probably is an expert on weddings, but not marriage.

It is all in who you pick in a mentor.

My question is can married people truly be friends with single people?

Yes. If you get married are you gonna drop all your single friends of both genders?

I ask my wife to trust me. Therefore, I have to trust her. As long as the two of us stay on the same page, then the outsiders don’t matter as much.

I have plenty of female friends. Although I am a current law student, I’ve been a paralegal for quite sometime. There are way more female paralegals than male paralegals. There is no way for me to avoid it. On the flip side, my wife is an attorney, and there are way more male attorneys than female attorneys. We work in environments where we have to trust each other.

Cemeeli

November 20th, 2009
10:19 am

I have a good number of friends who are married; taking my ol’man around them would probably just be for the chill ‘n chat. If they have something valuable to say about our relationship, cool. If not, cool. I trust their comment would be clear and direct, such as I am about him = us.

Cemeeli

November 20th, 2009
10:26 am

If you get married are you gonna drop all your single friends of both genders?

No…my friends will be extended to him, now they’re our friends…

“Happy” married friends would know you and how you operate when you are serious…AND they will tell you “yeah, I can tell ya’ll doing alright …that’s alright Cee”.…married men & women alike, they know the difference in, and can spot-on a “Tyrone homeboy”…once upon a time they may have been one themselves.

Professor

November 20th, 2009
10:27 am

@ M dot..so true. Sometimes folks will give you the backstage instead of the live performance.

I think all advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt and just because someone is married doesnt give them instant credibility. We only know what is going on on the forefront not behind closed doors.

Hey Dream Do you think you will change your mind on marriage? Like you I look at the union my grandparents shared over 50 years and my parents 30 years. I do not seek out married couples for advice for the reason M. stated. Also I know things appear rosy when folks are painting their own picture. When I seek advice I do so from people that are trained with knowledge and authority, but first of all I go within for the answer.

Dream_n- 7 days til turkey day

November 20th, 2009
10:27 am

Poppa G

You just about summed up what I was thinking…

If I go to you for advice, it’s because I respect what you have to offer, but those always offering up advice as if “everything is perfect”.. I pretty much don’t even care for. Personally I have close friendsfamily of every area in dating..

I have the ones that are married, the ones that are in serious relationships, the ones that are dating, and the ones that have the FWB… I have been given the oppourtunity to have a diverse group of people that can offer insight on all levels, and I truly appreciate that.

Hard dyck and bubblegum

November 20th, 2009
10:30 am

@SC…thanks my friend…ya know i am not always clowning sometime i make sense…lol

you can get all the advice in the world but if you have no follow thru then its just pretty words

and for all my unmarried people..if you think LOVE sustains all..well lets just say it does not and will not…will love keep your partner from loving themselves more than you….no…a choice will…remember that when you have the warm fuzzies..we have all heard the phase “taking someone for granted” right….think along those lines..

you have to plan for your marriage…you have to basically re-interview for the job yearly…if you fall asleep at the wheel like i did..well you will get what you deserve in the end…but i would get married again tommorrow if i could…i would just choose better this time!!!

M. (pronounced M dot)

November 20th, 2009
10:34 am

@Dream_n- 7 days til turkey day

@Leggs

“And yes, I believed he was throwing salt because although he was married he recently told me he has always been interested in me and my safe being.”

I knew he was interested in you all along. This is code for him saying he liked you and just needed a way to get his foot in the door with you.

You said that “I think it does give them instant credibility simply because I would think one reason one goes to another for advice is because their opinion and hindsight is valued.”.

I dont agree because any 2 fools can go to the courthouse and get married, but does that make them qualified to give you advice, NO! I guess we need to consult advice from people with SUCCESSFUL marriages, but how do we define/recognize a successful marriage? There is always brownosing and fronting going on!

@Poppa Grande

You said “Yes. If you get married are you gonna drop all your single friends of both genders?”

It’s not about dropping the friends, but I am asking if you all can be genuinely friends, and my answer is still no.

Poppa Grande,

You said:

“I have plenty of female friends. Although I am a current law student, I’ve been a paralegal for quite sometime. There are way more female paralegals than male paralegals. There is no way for me to avoid it. On the flip side, my wife is an attorney, and there are way more male attorneys than female attorneys. We work in environments where we have to trust each other.”

There is a difference between female friends and colleagues discussing work information. This is all a RESPECT factor. Poppa, I dont know you but I am sure your wife is not cool with your female friends just calling with idle chatter on a saturday night right? Or lets flip it, how would you feel if one of her male friends called her while yall are just on the couch saturday night watching a movie and she answers? Let me answer that for you, I know you would NOT like that. It’s not about jealously or anything. I think alot of people are scared to check disrespect. Deep down inside, people especially women dont like someone in the positon that they are supposed to be in i.e., your ATTENTION needs to be on her.

SexyCool - Lead me not into temptation. Deliver me from sugar.

November 20th, 2009
10:34 am

Hard Dizzle/Rell – you know you’re certifiable, right?

Poppa Grande

November 20th, 2009
10:35 am

I have told a really good friend that he should head for the hills in regards to a female. Heck, the four of us took a trip to the Dominican together. I saw the kind of person that he became while her. For some reason, she (or the relationship itself) brought anger out in him. (They were both control freaks.) They ended up getting married, but it ended badly, very badly. Like weeks in the ICU badly. He got sued, and won the case. But spent tons of money defending himself in civil case. He had to close his insurance agency, and start over. (State Farm agent)

However, my experience with the doctor (my lady before I dated my wife) kind of taught me to look for certain signs. The doctor brought out the mean streak in me. She was a spoiled control freak, and I hated it. The bedroom skills were awesome (esp. her DSLs); however, it wasn’t good enough to catch a case over.

Dream_n- 7 days til turkey day

November 20th, 2009
10:35 am

No…my friends will be extended to him, now they’re our friends…

I like that Cee.. I will not drop my friends of many years just b/c my significant other is a little weary of the relationship… but on the other hand, the man that I am with will not be insecure of mt driends, b/c he will be able to go out with them and talk with them… and as Cee said, if he wants they will “become his friends too”.

Professor

Right now I don’t believe I will, but I can’t predict the future so we’ll have to see. It’s funny b/c my dad (the one who raised me from day one) is married to my mom, but when I met my real dad when I was 18 I found out he wasn’t married, and still doesn’t plan on getting married… He says now that it’s in our blood we don’t need to get married. He’s been with his woman for over 5 yrs now and they have the same mind set. They are just happy being with eachother.

I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing..lol

abc

November 20th, 2009
10:37 am

Melo, why did she do that? I can only speculate. Partly from feeling competitive about careers; she resented mine, and so felt compelled to assert her superior sense or responsibility, parenting mojo, wanted to make more money than me, just plain wanted to do anything she could to make me quit my career. Once she accomplished that, she felt guilty for pretty much wrecking my life on account of it, and compensated by stepping up the amount of trash she talked. Man, she competed for our kids’ attention. She wanted to be the king.

Or something like that. I know that you’ve witnessed the wife-trashing-hubby-to-her-friends-and-colleagues syndrome. Trying to figure out why they do it is kind of a wasted exercise.

Poppa Grande

November 20th, 2009
10:42 am

M.

First off, I don’t really do much idle telephone chit chat with anyone (male or female). I like seeing people and reading body language and such. I rarely answer my home phone period.

Yes, we have chilled together on non work related matters.

I gone to happy hours with them without my wife. There have been times where it was just me and one female there.

I know the wife has gone away for weeks at a time for trials. One year she had a trial in Richmond, VA that lasted 6 weeks. I am sure that they (at least on of the partners were there with her too) weren’t always talking about the trial.

So, trust has to be there. I trust her until she give me reason not trust her.

It is what I would want done to me.

The golden rule should apply to relationships, too. “Do unto others….”

Professor

November 20th, 2009
10:42 am

Dream I have felt like your real dad at times. Sometimes I feel like why not be together without any of those ties…I go back and forth.

Cemeeli

November 20th, 2009
10:42 am

PoppaG – What is DSL?

Poppa Grande

November 20th, 2009
10:43 am

Exactly Cee….

Before we even made plans to jump the broom, we made it clear that our friends were part of the package.

Poppa Grande

November 20th, 2009
10:44 am

Cee…..you don’t wanna know. You ain’t grown enuff for that info.

Poppa Grande

November 20th, 2009
10:44 am

DSL help to make PSH

M. (pronounced M dot)

November 20th, 2009
10:47 am

@Poppa Grande

Thanks for answering straight up. You said the name of the game. “So, trust has to be there. I trust her until she give me reason not trust her.”.

Cemeeli

November 20th, 2009
10:47 am

oh! well i’m grown ‘n stuff…:)…

Leggs

November 20th, 2009
10:49 am

Thanks PoppaG, I said the same thing on seeking one’s advice.

Poppa Grande

November 20th, 2009
10:51 am

M.

My grandpa gave me some very basic advice that has stuck with me.

“People have a hard time respecting a person who tells others to do something that he is no willing to do himself.”

That advice has shown itself to be for the most part throughout my life in every area of my life.