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Full Disclosure

In an attempt to understand the male psyche, I asked a few men the question that a lot of women have pondered.  Why won’t men tell everything? I got a lot of great insight about this.  Apparently, it’s one of those “be careful what you wish for” kind of things that we think we want but probably won’t like it.

What makes some men avoid telling it all is the reactions they think they will get once the disclose what they are truly thinking.  It’s not about any fear (well not physical fear, hopefully) of women, but it is the dread of getting the cold shoulder, bad attitudes, and having the sex come to a screeching hault.

It takes a long time for some men to even trust their mate with their inner thoughts.  During that time, he is observing how the woman responds to stress, disappointment, anger, etc.  This tells him a lot about her character and maturity.  Once they get that trust, often times they are more willing to share with you what they are thinking and feeling.

Guys, when do you feel that you can give full disclosure to the women you are dating? How can a woman show that she is trustworthy?  Why are some men drawn to the type of woman they can’t trust fully and stay in a relationship with her?

Ladies, have you ever dated someone who told you everything? I am talking full disclosure and honesty about who he was, his intentions, etc. Was it a great experience? Did you find that you had to adjust to that type of honesty all the time?

When you are exploring a relationship, do you want to know everything about the person you are dating?

238 comments Add your comment

Mike

November 11th, 2009
8:27 am

Never been first! Till now.

i'm swiss

November 11th, 2009
8:38 am

To borrow a line from Jack Nicholson… “You want the TRUTH?!? You can’t HANDLE the truth!!” :lol:

Well, depending on the exact subject, sometimes it’s just not worth the hassle of giving full disclosure. I mean, be honest, how are most women going to react if we tell the what we really think of that ho friend of hers, or that it’s not the dress that’s making your arse look big, etc. :lol:

Now, if it’s something really important, then that’s one thing, but sometimes it’s really better to just smile politely and lie your arse off…. :lol:

BTW, Mike — feels good, doesn’t it?

Raqi

November 11th, 2009
8:54 am

The problem with all this is you don’t want to get too invested in someone and then find out some quite unfavorable information about that person.

When you first meet someone all of their ins and outs, comings and goings, haves and have-nots are really none of your business. However, as you start to form a relationship with that person some information becomes pertinent. But then by the time they feel the need to disclose or you just happen to stumble upon it, it’s too late. Your heart has become delicate. You are invested. Have you ever made the statement “Had I known that upfront I would have never bothered getting involved with him/her”? Yeah, I have also. In the end I felt like the entire 2 years was a waste of my time despite the good days we did have together.

Having said that, as adults I think it’s only fair to be able to ask questions and get honest answers. You have a right to know certain things about a person that you are looking to invest your time and life into. You have a right to protect yourself from getting in too far just to find out something about them that would prevented you from taking that leap had you known it upfront.

If a person becomes offended by you asking a question chances are the true answer is probably one you will not like to hear.

Cool Shadow

November 11th, 2009
8:58 am

Guys, when do you feel that you can give full disclosure to the women you are dating?

When you feel comfortable around her to open up and expose your insecurities and fears; in short, when trust is established. You want to feel that if you open up to her, it doesn’t somehow get back to you or thrown in your face in an argument as an attempt to emasculate or devalue you.

How can a woman show that she is trustworthy?

By demonstrating she can be told things in confidence and not have to run and tell someone because she’s got a new ‘drama topic’ like it’s a breaking news story.

George P Burdell

November 11th, 2009
8:59 am

Men will tell everything when women tell everything. That means it will never happen. I am somewhat surprised at the question being directed to men only (”Why won’t men tell everything?”) I thought this was the age of equality between the sexes.

She Hate Me

November 11th, 2009
9:03 am

Women don’t know what they want half the time. They spend the other half changing their minds about who they are, so it makes it impossible to divulge inner matters of self to them.

Now that I have ruffled feathers… let me say this!
WOMEN ARE THE STRONGEST MOST INTELLIGENT CREATURES ON THE PLANET!!!!!
WOMEN HAVE THE POWER OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND OF THE WORLD UNDER THEIR GRASP!

Here’s the problem… either they don’t know the aforementioned truth or they don’t know how to wield this prowess.

Women have the need for communication, fiscal and physical security (among many more). Although they are emotionally perturbed 70% of the time, they want their men to be this bastion of emotional strength and intelligence.

Well being who we are as men, if we’re smart, we know this. So since women need what they need, men can’t do anything to shake that fragile balance and expect a strong healthy relationship.

Therefore, men shouldn’t lie, but rather be very discerning about what to share, how much to share, and when to share.

Leggs

November 11th, 2009
9:04 am

Good morning, everyone! Roll call…..

I’ve dated a man that told me everything. At first I thought it was very refreshing, but I soon found my phone ringing with every step he took. I knew how much he spent at Wal-Mart, Home Depot, Farmer’s Market, etc. I often looked at the phone wondering why the heck is he calling me with this info. It soon dawned on me he was discussing his “wallet.” He had money and all stores he went to never spent under $200.00. SO WHAT!

I would have to be invested in a man to tell him everything, and that can only happen over a long period of time. I don’t want to know everything my SO thinks, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to know all that I think. I have a g/f friend that’s going through this exact thing. She tells her man everything and he now thinks she’s a basket case, needs to be medicated (there is some truth to what he thinks), and is now in the throes of ending the relationship.

Dream_n (One action can change the course of your life forever..Be wise think first

November 11th, 2009
9:05 am

When you are exploring a relationship, do you want to know everything about the person you are dating?

A part of me says NO, then there’s the part of my that does. So I’m at a toss up with that one.

Then I have to ask myself do I want a “potential” mate to know everything about me. While I have no criminal history, there are some things in my past that I just might not want to tell.. so I’ll go with the NO answer.

While I may not want to know everything about you, I would like to know the information that could possible hurt/embarass me if seen with you. lol
I do not like uneccessary drama, but then again if a person is really digging you they will never disclose that information upfront or possibly ever.

It’s a gamble when starting to date a new person. It’s a game of chance. You may have found the one or you may not have found the one. I just say GOOGLE them…. make both your lives easier… :)

Dream_n (One action can change the course of your life forever..Be wise think first

November 11th, 2009
9:10 am

But on the flipside,

If we’re in a committed relationship and the trust has already been established. I would love for a man to open up to me. Not the whiny type that cries over spilled milk, but the type that can let me in. I think it’s absolutely sexy to sit on the edge of the couch sipping on a Sangria and listen to your man open up about hell anything that’s on his heart!!! WOW.. Something about that is just priceless

Raqi

November 11th, 2009
9:12 am

Now as for full disclosure as to a person’s intentions? The truth of the matter is withholding that information makes the relationship based on a lie. It’s a very selfish act that many of us have been guilty of.

The thing is there is an array of folks walking around this city, and many others, and chances are finding a person that would be okay with your real intentions is doable. Why keep someone hanging with under pretense? As WiseDiva stated most are afraid of losing that “benefit” that comes with being with that person so they will hide their true intentions.

That statement that Swiss referenced about not being able to handle the truth is true also it’s full of BS. Most folks definitions of “not being able to handle the truth” means that person will not be wanting to or willing to stick around after finding out your intentions are not the same as theirs. Them “handling” the truth pretty much means they will be out. Rightfully so.

C tha 1

November 11th, 2009
9:16 am

I’m in the phase in my relationship with my wife where it may be in my best interest to hold back every now and then. We were at the table eating dinner and I decided to make a comment . . . that just so happened to be what I was really thinking, and the truth. She had her bedroom gown on, hair pulled back with a couple of strans standing up, and just finished nursing our baby. As she was eating some food from her fork fell to her old maid gown. I looked up and said, “You look a hot mess”.

I thought I was playfully pointing out the truth. She thought I was being mean. I thought my sense of humor was lightening the mood. She now thinks my sharp wit is actually too sharp, and I’m a bit of an AHole. I thought that pointing out the food on her gown would make her clean it off . . . and it did. I wasn’t trying to be mean but maybe I could have told the truth in another way. But I didn’t. Sometimes I’m not as smooth as I think I am.

mytw♥cents... WWMy2D?

November 11th, 2009
9:19 am

Happy Slick & Slippery Hump Day, Y’all

SHE HATE YOU While I can’t say I agree with your stat or premise, I can get with the your explanation on how that trickles down. Ultimately, I don’t know that we’ll ever live in a day & time when men will not be convinced they know what a woman can handle better than she does. So I don’t even visibly fight against it after expressing my desire for the straight talk, no chaser. I’m more of a concientious objector who will intuit the truth left unsaid eventually.

Also, I’m a Positive Patty type and don’t think the truth is always being hidden suspiciously. I’m thinkin they’re often trying to protect us, although we may not appreciate it at the time.

czBrat

November 11th, 2009
9:20 am

GM All!

Ladies, have you ever dated someone who told you everything? I am talking full disclosure and honesty about who he was, his intentions, etc. Was it a great experience? Did you find that you had to adjust to that type of honesty all the time?

i have that now and it’s been great!! however …. i’m taking notes on Leggs’ 9:04 :lol:

Dream_n (One action can change the course of your life forever..Be wise think first

November 11th, 2009
9:22 am

C tha 1

tsk tsk tsk…

Now let’s first take into consideration that she was nursing a baby… meaning she has just given birth not too long ago…

With that being said, You should already know that we don’t feel at our best. Most women don’t slim down to pre-pregnancy weight until about 9-12 months. And our hormones have not come back to normal just yet… So for you to say what she may already be thinking was prolly a little hard on her….

Cemeeli

November 11th, 2009
9:25 am

morning…

Here’s one Swiss“I’ll lie to you as honestly as i can”…borrowed line.

Full disclosures should be based on how vested you are into the person/relationship.

What makes some men avoid telling it all is the reactions they think they will get once the disclose what they are truly thinking.

Right. Why should he/she share things if your reaction is anything that breeds belittlement, negativity, condemnation…

Case in point, we don’t need to know everything anyway, but if you find myself overasking, jus check it.

mytw♥cents... WWMy2D?

November 11th, 2009
9:32 am

C THA Now I ain’t never birthed no babie,s so I may not understand the delicate hormonal balances… but I woulda chuckled and prob said sumthin bout it not stoppin you from practicing on the next bun in the oven…

BSandwich

November 11th, 2009
9:34 am

I wholeheartedly agree with Cemeeli! Full disclosures should be based on how vested you are into the person/relationship. I can say it takes a while for me to become comfortable enough to open up, so I would be extremely hesitant to share to just anyone.

KP (http://www.chatkafeonline.com)

November 11th, 2009
9:34 am

Good morning fam! Interesting topic Wise…

Back to lurkville for a little while!

Dream_n (One action can change the course of your life forever..Be wise think first

November 11th, 2009
9:35 am

mytw♥cents

Nice witty comeback…

Page1908

November 11th, 2009
9:43 am

A friend of mine believes in telling dudes her whole life story the moment she meets them. When she goes out on dates, she tells the dudes something like this: “look, i am 36 and i don’t have time to be playing games. i wanna get this thing going because we are both too old to be going back and forth”. then she continues to tell them what happened in her past about her family and how her baby died, etc. she says that the dudes appreciate her being upfront and they are on board with going forward, then the next thing i know i get a call from her saying she hasn’t heard from the dudes. she said one dude told her “you probably don’t wanna tell dudes from the get-go that you wanna get married, that your baby died, etc. that’s a turn off”. she said dude said it in a “joking” manner, but then she never heard from him again. of course he didn’t tell her this until after they boned. smdh.

abc

November 11th, 2009
9:43 am

What kinds of things are you wanting disclosed?

Men are slow to trust women because they know better. Surely, there’s no need to beat that dead horse again.

i'm swiss

November 11th, 2009
9:45 am

[In my Butt-Head voice...]

Huhuhuh huhuhuhuh huhuhuhuh…. My2 said “slick, slippery hump…”

Leggs

November 11th, 2009
9:47 am

@c tha 1 ~, sorry, but that was funny. If you had said it with a smile on your face it would have come across better. Sharp wit is a dangerous thing to have especially when you’re trying to be funny!

Mo (aka Moeisha)

November 11th, 2009
9:47 am

Morning Party People!

Cemeeli – I agree with this chica.. “Full disclosures should be based on how vested you are into the person/relationship.”

C tha 1 – that was funny as hell, however yes you coulda/shoulda said it another way. I have been there, done that. She wasnt feeling all that glamourous and you added salt to the wound! Giving birth, nursing…WHEW, taxing on the body and your hormones! Cut her a lil slack.

Mytwo – funny on the 9:32. And no it doesnt stop them! :smile:

MELO

November 11th, 2009
9:50 am

Guys, when do you feel that you can give full disclosure to the women you are dating?

Absolutely No full disclosure…..thats like playing the card game with ur hand, wide open.

As u get to know her,some things u can share,others u dont. Getting her all wrked up emotionally is the whole idea anyway..That ensures that she does not dump u at the slighest hint of dirt.

Girls do the same too,so its not a one way strret thing.

Why do u chics use make up?? So u can look good and disguise the bad spots on ur faces, etc.
Why must a guy tell all his potential mates that he slept with all the eligible girls on his street??

Common sense pple!
Morning!

MELO

November 11th, 2009
9:56 am

of course he didn’t tell her this until after they boned/strong>

NICE…….hey swiss!

.hey Page! :lol:

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 11th, 2009
9:56 am

Come on now women never disclose it all..

Cemeeli

November 11th, 2009
9:56 am

Thanks BSandwich – Welcome in…

Dream_n (One action can change the course of your life forever..Be wise think first

November 11th, 2009
9:57 am

Full Disclosure.. I agree Melo can be quite dangerous..

I don’t need to know that you had sex with an 8 month ol’ pregnant girl when you were 18 and the baby wasn’t yours… (i’d rather you keep that to yourself)

i'm swiss

November 11th, 2009
9:57 am

‘Sup, Melo

Morning, Cee

Cemeeli

November 11th, 2009
9:58 am

He gets my full trust from day one, it’s up to him to keep it like that.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 11th, 2009
9:58 am

Because everyone is introducing you to their Ambassador to the country of them..

MELO

November 11th, 2009
10:03 am

Hey im at home in honor of the Veterans and it stops raining?? Wicked i tell ya.

Glad i got u guys….

Cemeeli

November 11th, 2009
10:04 am

..That ensures that she does not dump u at the slighest hint of dirt.

@ Melo – If he dumps me based on what i shared (that truth), he wasn’t ready anyway. I was.

mytw♥cents... WWMy2D?

November 11th, 2009
10:04 am

Hey DREAM_N & MO It gets me into trouble sometimes. That’s half the fun, tho…

SWIZZIE It was just for you, hon.

CEE What u disclosing, miss???

mytw♥cents...For You

November 11th, 2009
10:05 am

Enter your comments here

Lady J

November 11th, 2009
10:07 am

communication can be so complex in terms of epressing onself…..I think in the start you get a preview of who that person wants to be and with time through verbal and non verbals somethings come out…somethings should be kept and others should be told…as with anything else it is taking a risk so spill the beans at your own discretion….

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 11th, 2009
10:08 am

Me personally.. I’m not letting you know anything about me except the basics until I feel like Im ready. I’m a very private person and I dont like everybody knowing my business.. I guess when I feel comfortable enough to let down the castle gates then and only then will I give up the goods. Oh and then it will be measured because with great power comes great responsibility..

Cemeeli

November 11th, 2009
10:10 am

@mytwo – “What u disclosing, miss???”

I’m vanilla.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 11th, 2009
10:12 am

Then Too.. I can tell you anything.. Be with me and you will see who I am because I dont mask who I am.. I dont listen to anything a person tells me, I just observe and really could give a rats a$$ about your past, Im concerned about your future.

MELO

November 11th, 2009
10:16 am

If he dumps me based on what i shared (that truth), he wasn’t ready anyway. I was.

CEE.not evrybody is for u nor predisposed to wanting u,if they knew everythinng u did in ur wild past. etc..jus saying,not u specifically..

So with that said,there are some things that definately belong to the black book of the past,never to be shared with anybody….
As individuals,we try our best to mitigate against loss(moral,emotional etc) and we self serve.So if a potential chic says,u know what,my mum is etc and my dad is etc and my fam is etc and we just starting to date,its on me to evaluate if i want to proceed or not,based on my evaluation.
Told those stories later on in the dating game,they may not mean much to the guy coz emotionally,hes vested and shes a good girl and the sexx was off da meter blah blah blah.He may just say,”its OK baby” and move on.

Told too early and hes like me,hes gonna bone..then say…eeehhhhh,i think there are better options out there.

Tata! :lol:

Leggs

November 11th, 2009
10:23 am

Never show your trump card right off the bat!

Dream_n (One action can change the course of your life forever..Be wise think first

November 11th, 2009
10:23 am

I think I’m concerned about both..Past/Future

I can’t have you having a felony on your record, b/c 9x’s out of 10 your aren’t going up anybody’s coorporate ladder… So unless you’re looking to start your own business.. I would have to take that into careful consideration.

Cemeeli

November 11th, 2009
10:27 am

not evrybody is for u nor predisposed to wanting u,if they knew everything u did in ur wild past. etc..jus saying,not u specifically

@ Melo – I’m not using my past as an example…i really am vanilla.I just find it easier to insert (me as and example) to help balance this thing. But when people disclose their past, no ONE can condemn you…if they try, thank God he hurriedly put their intention out there.

I (Cee) do not have a heaven or hell to put anyone in, so i honestly do not judge anyone based on their past.

Alpha Dog

November 11th, 2009
10:29 am

Every weakness and secret I shared in confidence with my ex-wife ended up being thrown back into my face at the first argument. It got to the point where I wouldn’t tell her I was going to the mail box.

Professor

November 11th, 2009
10:31 am

Morning!

Full disclosure…. simply put we want to know what we want to know, and anything else we cannot handle. Most folks are not equipped to handle sporadic information unless it is something like winning the lottery.

I have had guys tell me stuff and it was an instant turnoff. Someone probably told them that full disclosure is best, but sometimes some people are just not ready to handle some things.

MELO

November 11th, 2009
10:32 am

CEE,not condemn as such but with some things, I wld rather, that woman is not with me notwithstanding her pudsy is off da meter.

Lady J

November 11th, 2009
10:33 am

Alpha Dog I was thinking the samething….many will use it against you and that’s a coward move….and telling it to a stranger early on is just a bit much…the basics is needed and with time the real you shows…and decisions can be made to persue or keep it moving without a war of words of who I am and use to be…we all have a story and a closet…

Professor

November 11th, 2009
10:34 am

@Dream I hear you on that 10:23 and I agree…

The best crystal ball for the future is a quick look at the past

I know there are exceptions, but I keep it clean and look at the past, as for disclosure some of the things people tell they should take it to their grave or holla at a counselor because you just don’t go around telling everything IMO

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 11th, 2009
10:34 am

Alpha Dog – Every weakness and secret I shared in confidence with my ex-wife ended up being thrown back into my face at the first argument

Here here!!