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It’s Complicated

There seems to be an attitudinal shift in men when they meet a sexually confident woman. Of course, the type of shift depends on the man and his outlook and moral values.  It can put some men at ease because he knows that there is an experienced woman who is comfortable with herself and her sexuality.

While other men may wonder if she is truly confident as she says. A confident woman won’t trade sex for love.  There is no need to use sex to validate her. She doesn’t think sex will get or keep a man in a relationship.

What does the traditional man think of sexually confident women? What about the modern guy? Are the younger men today more confident with a sexually confident woman then their older counterparts?

Ladies, do you feel comfortable discussing sex when you meet men? Are you the one to bring the topic up? Do you think find that the men you date are judgmental about your perception of sex? How do you handle that?

Guys, when you meet women who are sexually confident, what kind of response do you have? Are you surprised? Is it a turn off? Do you think women should keep it to themselves until you two become involved?

185 comments Add your comment

mytw♥cents... WWMy2D?

November 10th, 2009
8:57 am

Well first, I think there’s probably a wide variance in people’s definition of ’sexually confident.’ I’d be surprised if what lots of men will say is sexual confidence isn’t what I’d just consider as forward. So there are like two or three Jedi Mind tricks wrapped up in this one…

Dan

November 10th, 2009
9:01 am

Yeah, I’m kinda wondering myself what you’re talking about WD.

There really isn’t a definition (contextual or otherwise) for the term. So how are you defining ’sexually confident’?

mytw♥cents... WWMy2D?

November 10th, 2009
9:25 am

Generally, I enjoy hearing the male POV, often already agree with it and/or am ready to take stock in it. However, when it comes to women being very aggressive and/or very sexually expressive from the gate, I doubt I’ll ever believe the whole “We don’t hold it against you,” rhetoric. Why not? I’d hold it against me. It’s colored my view of me in the past when I wasn’t the aggressor, but allowed a quick progression, so it only stands to follow.

I can’t imagine me initiating a convo about sex up front, although I’d participate in a (non vulgar) chat if it’s not like 15 seconds after we met. If it’s too soon, I’d just say sumthin like that’s a bit much at this juncture, maybe I’ll share my thoughts on that in the near future, tho…

Jedi Mind Tricks are designed to cover all eventualities. From JMT 247 You’re so sweet and innocent, I bet you wouldn’t even know what to do with a (insert euphemism for manly parts here.) to JMT 742 You’re so much talk, but I bet you wouldn’t even know what to do with a (insert euphemism for manly parts here.) Don’t know why ladies are still falling for this one. And then strut away thinkin’ they showed him. Heavy sigh…

Dan

November 10th, 2009
9:33 am

The Jedi Mind Trick only worked on the “weak minded”:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1rlThKe1qo (1:04)

Soooo, another abdication of responsibility My2? Not you……not you

Dream_n

November 10th, 2009
9:33 am

Enter your comments here

Dream_n (One action can change the course of your life forever..Be wise think first

November 10th, 2009
9:39 am

Good Morning All,

Sexually confident??

Are we referring to the woman that believes her (blank) is laced with gold or the brutha who believes that he is King (blank)….

Maybe there needs to be another term thrown out there… idk

Jeff

November 10th, 2009
9:42 am

There is such a fine line between confidence and arrogance. And I’ve never met anyone (man or woman) who actually said they were horrible in the bedroom.

Raqi

November 10th, 2009
9:52 am

IMO as far as “modern” men are concerned, the only advantage of the new sexually confident woman is making it easier for men to get sex. Point blank. F*** political correctness.

Today is Tuesday and I hate Tuesdays.

Dream_n (One action can change the course of your life forever..Be wise think first

November 10th, 2009
9:54 am

Ladies, do you feel comfortable discussing sex when you meet men?

Not within the first few weeks of going out. No there will be no discussion of sex until I feel comfortable. I don’t discuss sex with strangers. Call me a prude ,stuck up or watever.. (im used to those adjectives anyway :)

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 10th, 2009
9:54 am

Murnin.. Theres a fine line between sexually confident and being a graden tool.. I tell you what ladies stick to being pursued and let us do the pursuing.. Its the natural order of things.. The more we try to make up new definitions and modern mannerisms we seem to mess ish up.. Let nature take its course and be a lady.. Now when we get nehind closed doors then jump off the ceiling fan, to the wall, to the dresser and so on but dont do too much cause your sexual confidence might scare a dude.. Let him take it to the freakiness level he can handle.. Dont stick your thumb in your butt on the first encounter is what Im saying.. Break that out after a few months..

Jeff

November 10th, 2009
9:55 am

Raqi, you are right. It’s so much easier to get l**d nowadays. But it’s also harder to find an emotionally stable woman capable of a deep relationship. Just my experience and observation. But thanks for the easy sex.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 10th, 2009
9:57 am

And dont be out here giving that Becky to ever dude you meet.. I know some of ya’ll might know this but its alot of ya’ll that dont..

abc

November 10th, 2009
9:58 am

Please define ’sexually confident’.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 10th, 2009
10:03 am

Sexually Confident = Loose or having a penis mentality

Raqi

November 10th, 2009
10:05 am

Just like so many other phrases that have been invented by men to their advantage, the “sexually confident woman” is just another one of them that we women have fallen prey to.

It’s your sex and you have the right to give it to whomever you want to have it and in whatever time frame you choose.

Despite this new popular belief, women cannot “date” like men. We will catch feeling before long.

My definition of a sexually confident woman is a woman that is not afraid to explore with her partner. A woman that is not afraid to say what it is she wants and likes. In times past it was said that women are not suppose to speak of the enjoyment and pleasure that sex gives. But we come to learn that sexual pleasure is just as much a woman’s right as it is a man’s. And being sexually confident IMO is stating that fact. I enjoy having sex.

Sexually Confident it is not being promiscuous in the name of self-assurance. But that’s just my opinion.

Bo

November 10th, 2009
10:05 am

I only date strippers.

Raqi

November 10th, 2009
10:06 am

Thank you Infamous for your 9:54 comment.

Hopeless Romantic Diva

November 10th, 2009
10:06 am

To me, a sexually confident woman not only understands and embraces her own sexuality, as part of the whole package…which includes her keen sense of smartness, compassion, humor, etc., but also feels confident about when and with whom she shares part of her package with. The sexuality doesn’t define the woman, but rather enhances who she is.

Dan

November 10th, 2009
10:07 am

@DK

“but dont do too much cause your sexual confidence might scare a dude.. ”

Please explain.

abc

November 10th, 2009
10:08 am

I would find that quite unattractive in a chick. I’d figure, recreational use only.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 10th, 2009
10:11 am

Dan – Alot of dudes say they want a freak but then when they get one become all insecure about where she got her freakiness from and what she be doing before they met. Hey at this age we aint virgins and everybody done been got, so with that being said enjoy they ride cause I know any dude that dated a chick after me better be ready cause she has been taken as far as she wanted to go..

Dream_n (One action can change the course of your life forever..Be wise think first

November 10th, 2009
10:11 am

If you’re confident in any aspect of your life, what so people want to normally do?? Show it off right?

I think I’m going to go with DK’s assesment of the term sexually confident.

How does one get to be sexually confident.. someone or some people had to inflate that ego….

Dan

November 10th, 2009
10:14 am

@DK

Knowing that “everybody done been got” makes it easier for me to just let her do what she do.

I don’t rightly care who or where she got ‘it’ from. My two main concerns with sex are diseases and pregnancy, beyond that “let the good times roll.”

SexyCool = SexyConfident. ~laughing~

November 10th, 2009
10:15 am

Three Words Daily – Stop doubting yourself.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 10th, 2009
10:15 am

Dan – Exactly.. Heck Ive wanted to shake a few dudes hands behind some of these babes..

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 10th, 2009
10:18 am

I mean I like a chick to ge me.. Just come in the house and she have already pushed play.. Well Im from the pull over and freak something in the car school or the anytime anyplace mindset, so I guess Im different. I dont judge anyone though so its all good.

Raqi

November 10th, 2009
10:18 am

The problem today is guys want you to live up your sexually confidence and you barely even know him. I met plenty of them in my days of dating. They don’t know you and have no intention of getting to know you, but if they can get that sex on the grounds of you being “confident” in yourself that’s what they try to work with.

Guys that shirk the responsibilities and duties that come with being in a relationship are the ones that seek out the “sexually confident-out to prove I have nothing to fear” type of women.

Women cannot date like men. Live with it. It ain’t gone change.

SexyCool = SexyConfident. ~laughing~

November 10th, 2009
10:19 am

Sexual confidence from window on the world – As my knowledge of and comfort with my sexual self increased, along with my self confidence, my sexual confidence did as well. It didn’t make me loose. I just started getting better and more frequent O’s.

I agree with DK in letting a dude take the lead on the level of freakiness – especially since I’ve never been with a dude that was not freakier than me. (Y’all nassty – lol) However, I have been with a guy that was not as freaky as me or as freaky as he thought he was. (Big letdown.)

And last but not least, one thing that I’ve learned about those that preach about being so concerned with diseases and pregnancy are the first ones to want to ‘just put the head in.’

Raqi

November 10th, 2009
10:22 am

Ms. WiseDiva can you please tell us the definition that was meant to be conveyed in your entry so I can stop rambling on in the wrong (or maybe not) direction.

Are we talking sexual confidence as in no-strings attached continuous separate encounters?

Or sexual confidence by way of being uninhibited within your relationship or agreement?

Raqi

November 10th, 2009
10:24 am

are the first ones to want to ‘just put the head in.’

LMBO. Thanks SexyCool. My Tuesday is looking better.

East Point's Own

November 10th, 2009
10:24 am

Even women who appear to be sexually confident, tend not to be once they let their guard down and speak honestly. I had such a conversation this weekend with a woman who I have been going out with, and she made the first move to take our relationship sexual, and she says that she has no problem with making the first move or approaching men. But this weekend she talked about how sometimes she is nervous before having sex, or that she sometimes is concerned about her performance… and its not just her, I have had talks with several women who have said the same thing, although they appear to be sexually confident, as long as they don’t chose to let their guard down and reveal their true feelings. I am not saying that all women who appear to be sexually confident are not, but I think a lot are just playing the part for one of many reasons.

http://hispointofview.com

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 10th, 2009
10:25 am

SC – Dang the just let me put the head in.. For real.. Dudes still do that.. I just break out a condom and thats lets a chick know where I am. They will either not say anything or ask what you doing with that..

You missed my or “Penis Mentality” part of it.. I have two best friends with the penis mentality and they aint having sex unless they feel like it. I always laugh at their dudes cause Im like they are running ya’ll dudes..

SexyCool = SexyConfident. ~laughing~

November 10th, 2009
10:26 am

I do not equate sexual confidence with promiscuity.

abc

November 10th, 2009
10:27 am

Now, one can say that sexually confident is about lack of inhibition, neurosis and/or hangups, or one can say that sexually confident is throwing it around to pretty much anyone you can get. From the tone of Diva’s post, I take it that the intended meaning is a woman of significant enough sexual experience that she isn’t shy about hitting a guy up. That’s at least as unattractive as a promiscuous man — actually, from a man’s perspective, that’s even less attractive.

I figure that chicks who are most devoted to the mythical promiscuity of men are women with promiscuity issues of their own. Guys, what’s so difficult about keeping it in your pants? Women, how about just crossing your legs? Ever consider that when you finally meet ‘the one’, you may regret all the recreational sex — or that they might wish you’d not been loose? Or that being promiscuous might turn them off of you, and you lose out?

Dan

November 10th, 2009
10:28 am

@Dk

I’m saying, I’m not judging either way. Just be consistent is all I ever ask.

@Raqi

There is a mindset for chasing loose women, I’ll grant you that. But this mindset is not universal to all men. Some of us have different motivations and (standard blog line) “it’s on a case by case basis”.

Dream_n (One action can change the course of your life forever..Be wise think first

November 10th, 2009
10:31 am

abc

Head nod to your 10:27…

East Point's Own

November 10th, 2009
10:31 am

But back to the question, I love a woman who is truely confident sexually. I can do without the self doubt, and the fear of what other people might think, etc.

SexyCool = SexyConfident. ~laughing~

November 10th, 2009
10:32 am

Let me start over.

I do not equate sexual confidence with promiscuity. Instead, I view it as when I reached a point where I was totally at ease with my body.

Let’s face it. When you first start having sex, you don’t know as much as you need to know about the act, the way it can bring you pleasure and the effect that it can have on you mentally and emotionally.

As I became more aware of myself sexually and began to develop a sexual identity, my sexual confidence increased. I learned to draw lines that are not to be crossed sexually and became more sexually expressive within my partnership.

And I could ramble on….but I think you all get the gist of what I’m saying.

Dream_n (One action can change the course of your life forever..Be wise think first

November 10th, 2009
10:33 am

Think about a sexually confident man…

When I hear that, I don’t think of a man who is in a committed realtionship. Someone who is just slanging the D to one woman. I think of a man who is out there showing his skills to every Lisa/Kay and Cindy that wants to enjoy the ride… JMO

Dan

November 10th, 2009
10:34 am

@EPO

Ooooohhh, you spilling secrets! Stop it.

@abc

Longing for the horse-drawn buggy, or a return to the “malt shoppe” days of dating doesn’t make it reality.

The reality is that by a certain age, a woman has done all she gone do. She’s tried it, decided for/against, and had grown accustomed to having things “[her] way”. Likewise for a man.

As for promiscuity, that’s an almost ancient concept based on a social construct of what is and isn’t appropriate. That’s something that can’t be judged in that way anymore.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 10th, 2009
10:34 am

SC – No go on I dont get where youre coming from

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 10th, 2009
10:36 am

Dang I like to do it so I guess I need to go see Dr Drew in Sex Rehab.. Im a fiend ya’ll a fiend I tell you!

Raqi

November 10th, 2009
10:37 am

But this weekend she talked about how sometimes she is nervous before having sex

EastPoint but that doesn’t mean she is not confident. Heck I occasionally feel a nervous butterfly and I am married having sex with the same man on the regular. Sometimes it can be an anxious type of nervousness. It happens.

Raqi

November 10th, 2009
10:40 am

abc I agree with your 10:27.

When it comes to the happenings within my relationship, I am very confident and willing to please.

But when I was dating I had nothing to prove to anyone. I tell you I met some real clowns back in those days. LOL

Dream_n (One action can change the course of your life forever..Be wise think first

November 10th, 2009
10:40 am

As for promiscuity, that’s an almost ancient concept based on a social construct of what is and isn’t appropriate. That’s something that can’t be judged in that way anymore.

Dan judged in what way anymore… I’m kinda confused… The defintion of promiscuity has not changed…

Whether you agree with it or not, it’s still what it is… loose at the legs..

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 10th, 2009
10:44 am

If you out here having sex like a dude. You are loose. It doesnt matter what you think or what new fangled fancy term you put on it..

Dan

November 10th, 2009
10:45 am

@Dream

Promiscuity can be defined as having ‘too many’ sexual partners. Well the individual having sex with you defines ‘too many’. Maybe 6, maybe 7, maybe 1. Whatever the individual’s definition, it’s no longer relatable or subject to judgement because the judgement of society has changed.

That the judgment of right/wrong hasn’t changed for an individual is, at once, honorable and disconcerting.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

November 10th, 2009
10:46 am

Mornting all

Dan ^5 on that 9:54.

Professor

November 10th, 2009
10:46 am

Hola!

Hmmmm…nothing really is coming to me on this topic. Off the cuff I think of men that think they have that good stuff and that mess is wack. Just because one has confidence does not mean substance is there.

Dan

November 10th, 2009
10:47 am

Pardon my spelling errors