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Top Ways to Get Approached

In any social setting, single people tend to sabotage themselves without even knowing it.  If you, in fact, want to be noticed and approached, you really need to find ways to signal that you are not going to reject someone who is interested.

While we may look fabulous in our outfits, a lot of women are oblivious about their body language. Crossed arms, eyes on their blackberries, or no smiles can pretty much guarantee you will not be approached!

So ladies who get approached, what is your secret!? Do you find a way to stand out and get a man’s attention? Do you ever approach men? If you have or would, what about the man would compel you to do so?

Guys, what are the top ways women can get approached? When you see someone that catches your eye, what is the first thing you notice that sends you over to where she is? What would make you do a u-turn and go the other way? How long does it take before you decide that you will get her number?

221 comments Add your comment

Fred G. Sanford, Jr.

November 9th, 2009
11:07 am

@ Raqi

Watch for her cues. Just because a woman is polite does not mean she wants you to come hither. If her bodily language is open then approach. If it’s not, then stay away, she is probably just being polite.

That’s easier said than done. Most women rarely give obvious “come and get it” clues. In some of their minds, smiling and being polite are their cues to approach (this came from their mouths, not mine. lol).

On the other hand, I’ve started convo women who gave no outward signals of wanting to be approached, only to have them show immediate interest and give me the number.

After a while, it becomes a big guessing game based on figuring out signals which may or may not be there. As a result, some guys just start going after whoever they want whenever, regardless of the “clues.”

I agree a guy shouldn’t push the issue when it’s obvious she’s not interested.

Raqi....Oh, oh, Oh, oh

November 9th, 2009
11:09 am

I dont even ASK for their number because look how crazy guys look when you just meet a woman and you call and you leave a message and she does not respond

Mdot, how old are you? That’s just part of the dance.

From my past experience, when I gave a man my number I was somewhat interested at the time. Now things can change as the day goes on and I realized he was not that interesting after all.

And Fred is right. Me telling a guy I would prefer he give me his number was my way a letting him down nicely.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 9th, 2009
11:10 am

I actually like a group of women cause you walk up and holla at all of them and who ever is doing the most talking then she gets it.. I like what likes me.. If the ugly friend is doing all the talking then I flip and win her over to get her to be my mouth piece to get in her cute friends ear.. Women are the biggest help in recruitment activities cause their girls will listen to them.

M. (pronounced M dot)

November 9th, 2009
11:13 am

@Raqi….Oh, oh, Oh, oh

LOL my age does not matter. The fact is, if I give her my number, and she is interested she will call. I was just saying I am above phone games. Not every woman plays that game but I figure just give her the number let her make the call and go from there.

Raqi....Oh, oh, Oh, oh

November 9th, 2009
11:15 am

No Fred what I am saying is, just like SexyC and Tazzee said the smile and are polite to everyone, that’s not always the cue.

If you catch her eye with a smile and she smiles back however turns her back to you, from my experience I wasn’t flirting, just smiling back. If I smiled and then within a couple of seconds looked in your direction again, or even turned in your direction I was opening myself up to be approached. But that was just me. LOL

Fred G. Sanford, Jr.

November 9th, 2009
11:16 am

@ M dot

So in your case, if I call once and leave a message and she does not call back…DELETE.

I agree! No argument from me. At least then, I know I’ve done [what I think is] my part and can move on.

czBrat

November 9th, 2009
11:19 am

GM All!

I imagine I am what most men on this blog dislike … unapproachable. I am naturally happy and at ease, but I will intentionally send those signals that tell a guy to keep his distance. For the most part, I’m just not interested in the come-ons and pick-up lines. Having said that, nothing impresses me more than confidence. A man who is not discouraged by my disposition and politely proceeds to introduce himself is already scoring points.

Dan

November 9th, 2009
11:20 am

@DK

Right on! (11:10). The high right low left was 92 to my memory, with overall, Shai and hair dye. But the 90’s are fuzzy.

@MDot

You’re overthinking this. It’s not really about “cues” or any of this stuff. It’s about doing you, being you, and dealing with who deals with you.

Plenty of people are going to pass you by in life, and most should.

Fred G. Sanford, Jr.

November 9th, 2009
11:21 am

@Raqi

If you catch her eye with a smile and she smiles back however turns her back to you, from my experience I wasn’t flirting, just smiling back.

You mean that’s not my clue to work harder, send more drinks, and win her over?! After all, doesn’t a “real man” go after what he wants? lmao. I gotcha and completely agree.

M. (pronounced M dot)

November 9th, 2009
11:28 am

@Dan

Agreed which is exactly why you shouldn’t be waiting by the phone for some woman to call you back. I see what you mean though.

Anotha Brotha

November 9th, 2009
11:29 am

I believe this to be a sensitive topic for AA women, especially. I don’t think men (or women of other backgrounds) place the same level of importance on “how we meet/don’t meet”. Even in observing Japanese and Arab women (who are probably the most conservative of all), it’s more important to just get something going with a compatible person rather than the rhetoric of meeting. And frankly, this aligns with folks actions. It’s pretty consistent, when out in a social setting, that Jennifer is simply SOCIABLE and carefree with her conversation…whether it be romantic or not- whether she initiates or not. This contrasts with AA women who are less concerned with the conversation, I’ve observed, and more concerned with the act of being chosen. I’m pretty certain that for many, being in a relationship is secondary to having their self-image validated through a man selecting them, and in a very literal thought out way. This, to me anyways, explains why many AA are generally deceptive about their intentions with men ( “I don’t approach men”/ snapping their heads away when a man walks into a room/arms-folded). It’s all to create the illusion of the “chosen-one” fantasy. Unfortunately, it runs men away. Yes, I know I’m brutal. But men need to be able to decipher low-self esteem women so that they don’t end up like Andre Rison/Russell Simmons/Usher, etc etc etc.

Anotha Brotha

November 9th, 2009
11:32 am

I would co-sign with M. Dot. How a man’s presence is received will determine a lot. If a woman has the strength to admit that she is hoping to have a man, then she’ll probably smile towards him, separate from the pack, open her posture, etc.

SexyCool - Cloud Status - 9++

November 9th, 2009
11:32 am

Actually, AB – I see it as exactly opposite as you have described (which I’m sure comes as no surprise.)

As I became more confident and self aware, I stopped approaching men because I didn’t need validation from them. I no longer needed to be the “See me. Like me. Want me.” chick on an all out loud level.

Now, I just get it how I live. And I’m living good.

Dan - The Karl Malone of Love

November 9th, 2009
11:38 am

@AB

An astute observation (11:29).

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

November 9th, 2009
11:42 am

A man who is not discouraged by my disposition and politely proceeds to introduce himself is already scoring points.

Truth well put right there cz. There are lots of gems being dropped today from both sides.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

November 9th, 2009
11:49 am

I’m pretty certain that for many, being in a relationship is secondary to having their self-image validated through a man selecting them, and in a very literal thought out way.

That would certainly work for a woman with a “high level of low self esteem”, but a confident woman doesn’t need to be validated by anyone else other than herself. The afore mentioned wreaks of desperation and as the addage goes…can’t you men sniff that out miles away?…and if so then why approach a woman like that?….is that the kind of woman you want and if so then what does that REALLY say about YOU….Just a question not an accusation. Men I’d like to hear your views on that por favor.

Leggs

November 9th, 2009
11:50 am

@cz, ok, clear this up for me. You intentionally send signals that you’re not interested, but if a confident guy ignores those signals, you’ll talk with him. So, is this a test just to see who will be put off and who won’t?

SexyCool - Cloud Status - 9++

November 9th, 2009
11:54 am

I guess it doesn’t occur to some folks that some women are not going out solely for the purposes of man-tracking/trapping.

Nine times out of ten, I am genuinely hungry or really did want an apple martini or really just came to hang out with my girls to unwind or because we are celebrating something or I really just wanted to dance. Maybe, I just wanted to get out of the house and really just like the vibe in this spot. Dammit.

Kinda on topic vent: I haven’t even been to my fave spot lately because the damn bartender is always trying to be in my grill, talking about taking me out. I really wanna say, “Just pour my drink and leave me dfck alone.”

SexyCool - Cloud Status - 9++

November 9th, 2009
11:55 am

Sassy – say that ish again. LOL!

Anotha Brotha

November 9th, 2009
11:57 am

@cz- Why would someone want to talk to you if you are intentionally sending bad vibes? And what is your thought process behind this? This is the psychology I am referring to in my earlier post: A woman trying to seem totally disinterested, but yet “he still approached me”. I’m running already.

@Sassy. I clearly stated that men (including myself) are running from women who exhibit low-self esteem-ridden tendencies. ;)

Dan - The Karl Malone of Love

November 9th, 2009
11:59 am

@Sassy

But take your last 2 posts. In one, you seem to agree that the male must be aggressive in his pursuit, even in the face of opposition; thus validating his intentions. When in reality, this process is one designed for validation by/for the female. To be pursued aggressively, by the man (men) of her chosing validate’s her choices. An interesting logic, but that’s another discussion.

Yet in your second post, you posit that a man that approaches and courts a women receptive to his initial advances, is somehow approaching a ‘lesser’ being. This too makes no logical sense.

As the female that is open and receptive will, in turn, get more advances, she has a wider range of willing participants to choose from. Thus making her selection process diverse and potentially more selective.

The female of the former example is limited to the men she deems ‘worthy’ from a much smaller sample. Consequently, her lack of diversity in fact limits her choices.

So which female is really winning?

Q.E.D.

Fred G. Sanford, Jr.

November 9th, 2009
12:02 pm

@cz Brat

I imagine I am what most men on this blog dislike…

Yeah, you are. LOL

Seriously, this contradicts what many women preach, and I think it’s game playing to a certain extent. It makes it harder for women who really aren’t interested.

And I don’t call approaching/pushing up on a woman who acts uninterested confidence.

I once knew a single woman who wore a wedding ring. Her idea was a “real man” who was really interested would approach her anyway to find out the deal. I argued that a “real man” would see the ring, assume she was married/engaged, RESPECT THAT, and keep it moving. Needless to say, we weren’t friends very long. lol

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

November 9th, 2009
12:05 pm

I clearly stated that men (including myself) are running from women who exhibit low-self esteem-ridden tendencies

If only that were true then you wouldn’t have had the Andre Rison/Russell Simmons/Usher, etc etc etc in the first place…men do PROWL/PREY on women like that when they want an easy mark….be it an easy mark b/c they themselves have a high level of low self esteem or some other form of usery they intend to unleash on the woman. As I’ve said…why the sneaky,sly modus operandi?

Dan - The Karl Malone of Love

November 9th, 2009
12:05 pm

Amended:

The receptive female is likely to feel that the selection of available men is not limited, consequently freeing her to effectively choose her man(men).

The closed female is likely to feel that the selection of available men is limited, without realizing that she has created the limits she bemoans.

SexyCool - Cloud Status - 9++

November 9th, 2009
12:06 pm

SexyCool - Cloud Status - 9++

November 9th, 2009
12:09 pm

Dan – that ish sounds like a research project, a science expirement, a bad Michael Baisden advice book and schizophrenic ramblings all in one.

Really, this ish is not that complicated.

Approach one you are interested in. If there is no connection, keep moving.

Dan - The Karl Malone of Love

November 9th, 2009
12:12 pm

@SC

I never said relationships werer complicated.

I was attempting to point out flawed logic.

Anotha Brotha

November 9th, 2009
12:13 pm

Well if a man is actively checking for a Tameka, Left Eye (RIP) or someone who’s acting like czBrat, then he has some type of psychological problem himself.

In Usher’s case- typical mama’s boy looking for a matriarchal-type who would dominate him. Just like his mother did.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

November 9th, 2009
12:13 pm

Yet in your second post, you posit that a man that approaches and courts a women receptive to his initial advances, is somehow approaching a ‘lesser’ being. This too makes no logical sense.

What?…my second post was in reference to a woman needing to be “validated” by a man regardless of how he approached her and I stated that a confident women needs NO validation from a MAN but rather HERSELF. So what do you call a man or woman,for that matter, that NEEDS to ba validated by someone else?…if you know your the shyt then do you really need to be told/validated by someone else?…soes someone else’s opinion of you mean THAT much to you and if it does then once again I’ll pose the question?….What does that say about her and YOU should you decide to pursue?

This is indeed a circular discussion shaped by all of our experiences….with none being alike,obviously.

Raqi...Oh,oh,oh,Oh,oh,oh

November 9th, 2009
12:14 pm

Dan I think I agree with your 11:59am. After a while it all seems like game playing.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

November 9th, 2009
12:20 pm

Dan your 12:05 is probably all you should’ve said in the first place cause your first post was bananas…..seen?! As a matter of fact re-read this: that ish sounds like a research project, a science expirement, a bad Michael Baisden advice book and schizophrenic ramblings all in one.…per Sexy

Dan - The Karl Malone of Love

November 9th, 2009
12:22 pm

@Sassy

You’re making my point.

I don’t personally seek validation from anyone. I was referring to your agreement with Brat’s comment about really agressive pursuit in the face of opposition.

It says plenty about the both of them to my mind if: she’s putting up Olympic trials to gain her attention (speaks to her need for validation) and he is that agressive to pursue (likely his goal is simply ‘winning’).

But then that’s the point. It appears that you are applauding this sham, and I wanted to know.

@Raqi

It is, it so very is. But valuable to note, nonetheless.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

November 9th, 2009
12:32 pm

It says plenty about the both of them to my mind if: she’s putting up Olympic trials to gain her attention (speaks to her need for validation) and he is that agressive to pursue (likely his goal is simply ‘winning’).

But then that’s the point. It appears that you are applauding this sham, and I wanted to know.

No Dan…not aggressivley pusuing but if I remember correctly the approach was “polite” there is a difference in the two…go back and re-read. True there are women who make men jump through hoops to “prove” he wants her bad enough and that could be b/c she may need validating or dude is soo aggressive that it doesn’t matter….circular discussion.

Each situation and the persons involved are different but I don’t applaud/endorse/support anything from the aggressiv point approach.

Truth

November 9th, 2009
12:34 pm

Did you teach your children to tell the truth? Nope, only when it’s convenient….

“Me telling a guy I would prefer he give me his number was my way a letting him down nicely.”

A real man can handle rejection……. Why some people think that it is ok to tell little lies?

czBrat

November 9th, 2009
12:34 pm

no, Leggs. not a test. just a message that i’m not looking to start something. i will give a brief smile in response to a smile but i try to keep it such that he knows i’m not asking him to come on over. if he does approach we may have a polite convo, but nothing that says “yeah, buddy, that’s just what i was waiting for!”

this contradicts what many women preach, and I think it’s game playing to a certain extent. Fred i’m actually avoiding the game. i’m not trying to flirt and then let you down when you approach. however, i’m not going to be rude to someone that steps up to say “hello”.

Willie Dynamite

November 9th, 2009
12:34 pm

Afternoon All,

decent topic I guess. Not really into making it a scientifical or logical course of action. I’ve been prolly on all sides of this one. Some days just felt like approaching whoever smiled and sent the good vibes out. Heyal some days I was looking to crack the code of the unapproachable. Sometimes I just liked being able to get a REAL smile outta chick, not the I smile at everyone smile but the almost blush smile. At that point seeing that I’m pretty decent at conversation I can decide to chat it up or keep it moving.

Fred G. Sanford, Jr.

November 9th, 2009
12:44 pm

@czBrat

i’m actually avoiding the game. i’m not trying to flirt and then let you down when you approach. however, i’m not going to be rude to someone that steps up to say “hello”.

I can respect that, but here’s where I got lost with your earlier comment:

A man who is not discouraged by my disposition and politely proceeds to introduce himself is already scoring points.

Many guys will read that and think it’s OK to continue the pursuit despite being shown otherwise.

Hopeless Romantic Diva

November 9th, 2009
12:48 pm

SexyCool…you are on target today. I echo what you posted…particularly that I don’t HAVE TO have a guy approach me to be validated

Leggs

November 9th, 2009
12:50 pm

I get what you’re saying czB, just your last sentence appears to be a contradiction to the beginning of that post.

Raqi...Oh,oh,oh,Oh,oh,oh

November 9th, 2009
12:53 pm

Nobody wants to be with anyone that makes you feel like they are doing you a favor in giving you conversation.

SexyCool - Cloud Status - 9++

November 9th, 2009
12:55 pm

Hey Raq – How goes things?

Raqi...Oh,oh,oh,Oh,oh,oh

November 9th, 2009
1:00 pm

SexyCool I am feeling like a Million Dollar Bill.

And I see you over there on an adjacent high yourself.

SexyCool - Cloud Status - 9++

November 9th, 2009
1:05 pm

And it is a beautiful thing. It should almost be a crime to be this happy. I am truly blessed beyond measure. And like Taz, my cup, too, runneth over.

Willie Dynamite

November 9th, 2009
1:11 pm

Wow, I’d get a headache tryn to figure out some of yall. Is it really that technical or complicated just to approach?

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

November 9th, 2009
1:13 pm

Wow, I’d get a headache tryn to figure out some of yall. Is it really that technical or complicated just to approach?

No, it’s not.

Cool Shadow

November 9th, 2009
1:14 pm

I imagine I am what most men on this blog dislike … unapproachable. A man who is not discouraged by my disposition and politely proceeds to introduce himself is already scoring points. – czBrat

I once knew a single woman who wore a wedding ring. Her idea was a “real man” who was really interested would approach her anyway to find out the deal. I argued that a “real man” would see the ring, assume she was married/engaged, RESPECT THAT, and keep it moving. Needless to say, we weren’t friends very long. Lol – Fred G. Sanford, Jr.

That kind of thinking from the women in the above comments can be exasperating. Dan in his 12:22 comments regarding going through Olympic trials to meet a woman was dead on (I was actually thinking of a pentathlon based on some of the responses). Why must a man jump through hoops and run through a land mine field just to meet someone?

There are two things that I’ve suspected about a lot of women regarding this issue: That 1) they think their non-verbal cues of interest/disinterest are universally understood by all and 2) the confusion in approaching them is partly attributed to women wanting men to approach them that they only might be interested in.

czBrat

November 9th, 2009
1:15 pm

Leggs

November 9th, 2009
1:15 pm

@WillieD ~ hi. It shouldn’t be.

@SCool – glad to see your cloud rising. If you had to guess, what cloud number would you say your ND is on?

Dan - The Karl Malone of Love

November 9th, 2009
1:17 pm

@Sassy

Agreed. I was just trying to see where you fell in terms of the two lines of thought.

@WillieD

I remember those days. But I’m too old and too tired to be at it like that.

@SC

I’m happy for your, well, happiness (for lack of a better phrase)

SexyCool - Cloud Status - 9++

November 9th, 2009
1:22 pm

Leggs – Fortunately, I don’t have to guess. He is very expressive about his feelings. We’re both over the moon.

Thanks, Dan.