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I’m Not Happy

I know a lot of us would like to be in relationships right now but sometimes we tend to forget that they take a lot of work and effort.  When the tough times hit, like they inevitably will, we aren’t always prepared for it.  This is when you find out what your relationship is really made of, good or bad.

When a woman is unhappy, she probably has a change in her behavior towards her partner. Because men have innate differences from women they feel the need to want to fix it.  They actually care a lot about why their woman is unhappy and want to do what they can to improve it.  It’s almost as if they take it personally when their woman isn’t satisfied and fulfilled.

Ladies, have you ever dated a really moody guy? I am not referring to the random cranky mood but a guy who has a lot of bad moods, how did you handle it?

Guys, do you think that your woman’s unhappiness is a reflection of your relationship with her? Does it bother you when she is unhappy?

Do you think we are responsible solely for our own happiness in a relationship?

209 comments Add your comment

Melo

November 6th, 2009
9:04 am

Do you think we are responsible solely for our own happiness in a relationship?

That woman who faked her own kidnapping and was frolicking with another guy in a secluded location, for 3 days was unhappy!

Good morning!

Raqi

November 6th, 2009
9:11 am

Do you think we are responsible solely for our own happiness in a relationship?

Yes and No.

Yes because neither a person nor their deeds can alter your emotions unless you allow yourself to be touched by them. Happiness as well as despondency is something we allow or disallow. A person can do all they know to do to fulfill your needs and wants but you have to choose to be happy. Or not.

No, because we get together in an effort to fulfill needs and desires. I need my husband. I desire his companionship. I need his love. I desire his support. I need his touch. To be in a relationship void of those things I cannot be happy.

We are together for what we provide each other. Love, support, companionship, physical touch. Those things make us happy.

Now this is not to be confused with an individual that feels that they cannot be happy unless in a relationship. That’s something very different. But, however, when you are in a relationship your desire should be to see your partner happy. And that happiness partly comes by those things we provide.

So yes when we see the other maybe having a bad or off day, we will ask what the matter is, or is there something I can do help or make it better.

When he is happy he makes me happy which makes me make him happy leading him to make me happy leaving me wanting to make him happy.

C tha 1

November 6th, 2009
9:12 am

Yes you are responsible for your own happiness…It’s YOOOOUUURRR SELFF ESTEEEM!! If you’re like Oprah and don’t realize your own happiness until you’re 50 then you missed the big picture some where down the line. F’ed up things are going to happen…get over it. They happened yesterday, will happen tommorrow, and chances are it will happen today. Your SO is not responsible for handling all of YOUR life’s challenges.

Dan -fighting for (inner) peace

November 6th, 2009
9:21 am

Between Raqi and Ctha1 posts, there lies a truth.

“A person can do all they know to do to fulfill your needs and wants but you have to choose to be happy. Or not.” <— why I like Raqi

I state often that you have to love yourself before loving anyone else, or allowing anyone to love you. At 31, I'm finding that I might be ahead of the curve in that respect because a lot of people don't seem to realize this fact.

"Yes you are responsible for your own happiness…It’s YOOOOUUURRR SELFF ESTEEEM!!" “But, however, when you are in a relationship your desire should be to see your partner happy.”

These are the same side of the coin. You can’t expect your partner to provide for your happiness everyday, augment, yes; provide no. People that “don’t know” what they’re looking for (myself included) in a partner or potential mate, should ensure that their not requiring more from the other person, than of themselves regarding the day-to-day happiness.

Sufficed to say, you shouldn’t be with someone that makes you miserable. But as an adult, the person you choose to be with shouldn’t be responsible for providing anything but a welcomed addition to your day/life.

sorry about the diatribe

Cemeeli

November 6th, 2009
9:25 am

hey…

Oh so he’s moody ‘n cranky?…well, my cute little silver shoes, and my fuchsia Pashmina says that I should not be unhappy…

I’m my own happy….

Lady J

November 6th, 2009
9:26 am

Happiness is an internal state and we are responsible for that state…a relationship can’t determine it or other people…overall it does affect every area in your life if you are not….Happy Friday!

ImAPeach404

November 6th, 2009
9:28 am

omg WD, can you puh-leez get outta my relationship! :lol:

I’m currently dealing with a moody guy. But… I’m understanding for two reasons: 1. He’s going through a divorce and is absolutely devastated that his kids are no longer in the house and ole girl is giving him a h3ll of a time and 2. He is very aware that he is moody and is always, always, ALWAYS open to talking and working things out. He is a great communicator and 95% of the time he comes to me wanting to get things cleared up.

I can tell ahead of time when he is in a funk and I’m more likely to give him some space.

Do you think we are responsible solely for our own happiness in a relationship?
Solely? Ehhh… I have mixed feelings about this one. YES because I do realize that if I’m not happy on my own I’ll never be truly happy in a relationship. And NO because I can be happy with everything else in my life but if my relationship is upsetting me, I cannot fix that alone.

Good morning children!

ImAPeach404

November 6th, 2009
9:32 am

When he is happy he makes me happy which makes me make him happy leading him to make me happy leaving me wanting to make him happy.

@Raqi – pure poetry my sistah!

Dream_n

November 6th, 2009
9:34 am

Happy Friday… :)

While I do agree your happiness should come within yourself. When it comes to being in a committed relationship the game kinda changes. While you may not be dependent upon your mate to be happy. Things that he says/does can affect your happiness.

I dated a really moody guy. You know how you come in the house happy, just picked up your chica/chico and work was suprisingly good. Then you come home to someone who already has a really bad attitude. Although you try not to let it get to you, for me it did. Especially if that person gives off a negative vibe.

Kym

November 6th, 2009
9:34 am

Good Morning All,

Yes, you are responsible for your own happiness. No one not even your partner can make you unhappy without your permission. If you are angry or upset with something someone did to you, or said to you. You have given yourself permission to be angry. Your moods are your moods. It is asking alot of one person to sing and shout you happpy because you are in a mood. Allow the mood to pass or let them know hey I am feeling funky today…but err expecting that person to make you happy..not fair.

M. (pronounced M dot)

November 6th, 2009
9:35 am

Guys, do you think that your woman’s unhappiness is a reflection of your relationship with her? Does it bother you when she is unhappy?

I think a your woman’s unhappiness is not necessarily a reflection of your relationship with her, but maybe an IMBALANCE in her life. It would be great if everyone was 100% in relationships, but let’s be honest, if something is wrong at work, with her family, kids, or if she is not where she thinks she needs to be in life; goals, career, marriage, etc. (NOT ALL BUT SOME) women may see you as a PUNCHING BAG rather than a resource and take issues out on YOU.

I know there have been times where I was putting in 110% and she still was not satisfied. Sometimes they need to get over themselves and the personal pity parties. When she is unhappy, I dont try to play Dr. Phil…I just let her be and not force anything and when and if she is ready to talk it out, Ill be around….

Raqi

November 6th, 2009
9:42 am

No one wants feel like they are in relationship all by themselves. And that’s what happens when one partner fails to provide what it takes to make their partner happy.

I have been in that type of relationship. I was very unfulfilled. I was happy with other aspects of my life, but I was not happy in the relationship. And he just would not do what I needed for me to be happy while with him.

I hate to bring this up because I don’t want the topic to change but that is why a lot of people cheat. I don’t condone cheating at all. I think it’s wrong and anyone that does it is a low life. If you are not happy you need to get out. However, I cannot deny the fact that I have known people to cheat because that other person is giving them what they need. It’s not right but it’s real.

And it’s not always physical needs that drive people into the arms of someone else. It can be an emotional need. A person can feel like their partner is not supportive of them and their goals. Then one day they meet someone that shows an interest in them and their dreams or goals. That person is giving them what they need.

It ain’t right but it happens.

Cemeeli

November 6th, 2009
9:44 am

you come home to someone who already has a really bad attitude. Although you try not to let it get to you, for me it did. Especially if that person gives off a negative vibe.

Dream_n – Remember our discussion about peace at home…i’ve found that when one person is “dealing”, let them deal…and just lurk. You can be there for them, be happy, and keep the peace.

Sometimes your good positive energy transfers…sometimes it doesn’t…but your focus should be that PEACE.

I always say “this too shall pass”… even when i’m in a funny mood cause being is upset/mad is funny to me…because it’s wasted energy really.

Bible Plug: The bible says…”be angry and sin not” Ephsians 4:26…do not allow the bad energy to pull you into some wrath of anger.

Raqi

November 6th, 2009
9:44 am

And NO because I can be happy with everything else in my life but if my relationship is upsetting me, I cannot fix that alone

EXACTLY.

abc

November 6th, 2009
9:46 am

Everyone is responsible for their own happiness in any situation, period, no matter the venue.

SexyCool - Cruising.

November 6th, 2009
9:47 am

Three Words Daily – Design your destiny.

ImAPeach404

November 6th, 2009
9:48 am

but err expecting that person to make you happy..not fair.

@Kym… I think there is a difference between what WD is asking and what you have stated above. Like Dream mentioned @ 9:34, you come home to someone who already has a really bad attitude. …having to deal with that day after day after day can start to affect your happiness “in the relationship”. That’s different than them making you happy/unhappy.

We are together for what we provide each other. Love, support, companionship, physical touch. Those things make us happy.

@Raqi – well stated.

SexyCool - Cruising.

November 6th, 2009
9:49 am

Yes. I am responsible for how I choose to react to a situation, but that does not mean that I can always control that reaction.

If there is an imbalance in my life, whether it be relationship, work, family, with self, whatever, I am going to react to it, hopefully in a positive manner. But regardless of my action, reaction or attitude, I still take total responsibility for it.

mqew

November 6th, 2009
9:49 am

Morning

I am indeed responsible for my own happiness, and my SO is indeed responsible for his. However, I am extremely elated to also say that we both try to make each other happy. Just the fact that we try to make each other happy, makes us happy. In other words, finding someone that wants and loves to make you happy is the shizzzniggity :-)

Cemeeli

November 6th, 2009
9:52 am

@ Peach – If any person deals with an unhappy home…day after day, after day..they are playing themselves…it’s constantly effecting you negatively?…Do something about it.

Cemeeli

November 6th, 2009
9:54 am

@ mqew – On a lighter note…some things your SO does that brings you happy to tears…now that’s the business!

Dream_n

November 6th, 2009
9:54 am

We are together for what we provide each other. Love, support, companionship, physical touch. Those things make us happy.

I also like what Raqi stated above.In a relationship it’s 50/50 a two way street as I’ve heard so many people state on here before. So why is it that in the happiness department you are solely alone???

Mo (aka Moeisha)

November 6th, 2009
9:55 am

TGIF!!! So glad its friday!!

okay off to grab a pepsi, BRB

Melo

November 6th, 2009
9:59 am

I have known people to cheat because that other person is giving them what they need

NEEDS??

A lot of times,thats all they get,SEX coz the other party does not really have anything of substance to make they stay for a long time.

I wld not stay in an unhappy relationship coz iam responsible for my own happyiness.The other party can only complement the happyiness I already have.
No way i wld go seek to live or date somebody if iam not happy myself.
People who cheat becoz they think they can get happyness outside are not,in my own opinion,seeking happiness.They are seeking a temporary fix, a thrill,to feel the void caused by the constant unhappyness.
To get real substantive happyiness,they need to get out and heal so they can be happy within themselves.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 6th, 2009
10:00 am

The one thing I learned is Im not responsible for my mates happiness.. I used to feel that way because it made me feel good to see her happy.. In my marriage I often times put her happiness before mine because I was raised “If mama is happy then everybody is happy” but thats not always the case.

ImAPeach404

November 6th, 2009
10:02 am

But regardless of my action, reaction or attitude, I still take total responsibility for it.

@SexyCool – yea? can you be total responsible for a partnership? I know that I am in TOTAL control of my career, education, finances, credit, attitude, outlook, how my household is run… those are the types of things I feel I am solely responsible for. However, I don’t feel I can take total responsibility for b/c it requires participation from another individual whom I cannot control. I have power over what I put in, but not what I get out…

@Cee – I totally agree with your 9:52, do something about it. Stay or go. Work on it or give up. Deal or no deal. But that doesn’t negate the fact that it can affect your happiness in the relationship.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

November 6th, 2009
10:04 am

okay…..Morning Eva-body!!!

Cemeeli – I like this chica “If any person deals with an unhappy home…day after day, after day..they are playing themselves…it’s constantly effecting you negatively” ^5!

Infamous – I learned that lesson too! Then I woke up one day and realized that no matter what I did, dude was just pissy and stopped giving a phluck. Granted there were other issues but the bottom line was I couldnt make him happy and he was actually looking for me to do that. Now I like to see my mate happy, adding to what is already there. But I cant MAKE your happiness.

Chink

November 6th, 2009
10:04 am

Raqi

I am confused when you are in a relationship and you are not happy …Leave… why cheat?? Cheating means you dont want to leave but what alittle something something too. It boils down to communication…people can’t read each others minds.

On the happiness ..I do control my happiness while there may be bad days I dont expect anybody to fix it but the most imnportant thing to me is just being there with me.

Raqi

November 6th, 2009
10:06 am

I agree that we are responsible for our happiness, however I cannot get with the train of thought that our partners do not hold a certain amount of responsibility for giving into the relationship. Chances are if that person is not providing the need you have you will seek it elsewhere. Yeah that does equate to you finding your own happiness but it also means that your happiness is outside of that relationship.

Which takes us back to the question at hand. And again yes, your partner is responsible for providing for your happiness within the relationship.

Hell if you ain’t giving me what I need to be happy, I don’t need or want you in my life.

mqew

November 6th, 2009
10:06 am

Ceemee (said in an New Orleans dialect)
Yes Indeed :-)

Chink

November 6th, 2009
10:07 am

People who cheat becoz they think they can get happyness outside are not,in my own opinion,seeking happiness.They are seeking a temporary fix, a thrill,to feel the void caused by the constant unhappyness.
To get real substantive happyiness,they need to get out and heal so they can be happy within themselves

Agreed!

Cemeeli

November 6th, 2009
10:08 am

Mo – Happy Friday to you!

Raqi

November 6th, 2009
10:08 am

Chink why are you confused? Leave is exactly what I said one should do. However, not all people do that. Why? I don’t know. They would have to tell you.

But in the case of my former relationship where I was not happy, I left. But not everyone choose to do that.

Dan -fighting for (inner) peace

November 6th, 2009
10:10 am

I’mma try this one mo time:

You are responsible for your own happiness, your chosen partner in life should augment that happiness.

In fact, that’s why you chose them in the first place, right?

SexyCool - Cruising.

November 6th, 2009
10:11 am

Peach – I never said I took responsibility for the partnership. I take responsibility for my reaction.

Can my partner do something that makes me feel unhappy? Well, yes, he can. However, it’s still MY feeling and MY reaction for which I am responsible for.

I also concede that some of this happiness is ish is subjective and we can spend all day on this merry go round.

BTW, It makes me happy to know that MND wants to make me happy. (Which again proves that we can go round and round on this topic. I, for one, am choosing to get off the ride.)

Kym

November 6th, 2009
10:12 am

If a person I love is constantly miserable. I may have to love them from afar..because there is no way I will continue to let their unhappiness cast a shadow on me. Yes I understand that you can be in a relationship with someone who always has a funky attitude. But my question is not to them but to you. Why in the heck are you there? It may hurt your heart to leave or let go..but what is holding you there..other than hoping for the moment they snap out of it and get right. I mean we can support and love a person without falling into the darkness with them.

Let’s take for example a person who goes out and cheats because they are not feeling appreciate, respected, loved, or whateva at home. 1st that person made a choice to start this relationship, marriage or whatever, no one forced them into, they chose. 2nd they make a choice to be unhappy in said relationship. He doesn’t show me he loves me, she doesn’t listen to me..so I am unhappy. Okay, did you tell them what you needed..yes..did they try..no. Is that person happy with you?..most time that question is the million dollar one. Well if you are unhappy are they unhappy to? Did you ask? Heck that person maybe just as miserable as you are, or not feel anything is wrong.

By the way the pretend kidnapping in Clayton. Seriously Clayton Co..ya’ll got major issues down there.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

November 6th, 2009
10:12 am

Ladies, have you ever dated a really moody guy? I am not referring to the random cranky mood but a guy who has a lot of bad moods, how did you handle it?

I did ONCE and it like literally cast a huge cloud over what we were trying to build. Life happens and it’s not always good…it’s when bad things or trying situations arise and the attitude we have with regards to it that can make a bad situation worse. That being said, this guy seemed to like to always be the “woe is me” victim almost constantly wallowing in self pity. His moods reminded me of Sybil(not blog Sybil but the one played by Sallie Fields from that movie) b/c I never knew who I was going to see when we met.

Needless to say that didn’t last long and that was like ~6-7 years ago. Funny thing is I heard through a mutual friend that he’s STILL doing the same thing.

Raqi

November 6th, 2009
10:12 am

But Infamous in your situation it seems that you were doing what you needed to do, it’s was on here from there.

That’s what I said in my first comment. We are only responsible for providing those things that we are in the relationship for. Anything other than that it’s up to each individual to be happy with it or not.

But all in all we are with who we are with for what we need and want and for what they provide. When the provision is not there, it affects our happiness within that union.

ImAPeach404

November 6th, 2009
10:12 am

Leave is exactly what I said one should do. However, not all people do that. Why? I don’t know. They would have to tell you.

@Raqi – you know why. Most people (mainly women) would rather have a piece of a relationship than say they are single.

Chink

November 6th, 2009
10:14 am

Raqi

The bottom line is they are afraid to leave …they are gambling on borrowed money.

When people leave they are confident and know that it will not work. When they don’t it can only mean apprehension something is holding them back.

Melo

November 6th, 2009
10:14 am

Guys, do you think that your woman’s unhappiness is a reflection of your relationship with her

If she is unhappy(long term unhappyiness),she needs to step coz more than likely,we have failed to compromise!

mqew

November 6th, 2009
10:16 am

Raqi -> Hell if you ain’t giving me what I need to be happy, I don’t need or want you in my life. YEPPP! :-)

Say it again for the crowd :-)

Cemeeli

November 6th, 2009
10:17 am

To answer your question…

Yes Dan – I chose him because he increases my happiness.

Dream_n

November 6th, 2009
10:17 am

BTW, It makes me happy to know that MND wants to make me happy. (Which again proves that we can go round and round on this topic. I, for one, am choosing to get off the ride.)

Girl help me off too!!!

Raqi

November 6th, 2009
10:20 am

Peach and Chink just from talking to the person that I know that has cheated, it seemed like she held on to her relationship because it did provide the fulfillment of some areas but what it was lacking she found elsewhere. Obviously what was lacking was not so dire that it was worth leaving the other behind.

It ain’t right, but it’s real.

Chink

November 6th, 2009
10:23 am

It’s really funny I wouldn’t even know how to cheat if I had the opportunity.

Hef

November 6th, 2009
10:23 am

It’s been a week or so-hello all. Topic-I’ve been single for 51 years(now engaged),and it has always been easy for me when things got a liitle tough to pack-up and leave so to speak.My EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL Wife to be will not allow that to happen(so far), she makes me work at our relationship,something I’ve never had to do before. So when I detect her down,I now try a little harder to 1st understand, 2nd rectify,& 3rd learn.She is quite a bit younger than me,so there are many things to deal with, generation gap,political diferences & difference of race to name a few. We are both college educated & successful in our chosen fields, which does’nt make us any better or wiser to the pros & cons of relationships but it does make us driven( thanks mainly to her) in our relationship.

Raqi

November 6th, 2009
10:25 am

Ain’t nothing wrong with being in a relationship and saying “look this is what I need to be happy in this relationship”. It’s your right.

When you allow things to go unstated resentment will set in. You will start to feel the burden and the weight.

Cemeeli

November 6th, 2009
10:26 am

@ Hef – Congrats…

Dream_n

November 6th, 2009
10:26 am

Moving forward I am not going to be with a man that feels like he does not have any responsibility for my happiness nor I his. That’s what a relationship/committment is about.

If you are truly in love with a person you will do anything (legal) to make them happy and vice versa. I’m not referring to this very moody person that always has an attitiude and is impossible to please. Just like everyone said.. You have to learn to move on from that. I’m talking about your best friend/ your mate/ your right hand wo(man)/ the person you are spending your life with/ the person whom you love with every ounce of your body.

If we are working together to be in a happy loving relationoship..
Why the heck wouldn’t I try to make him happy?? Makes no sense if you ask me….