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What’s Wrong with Being Friends?

I know that some of us cringe at the thought of being stuck in the “friend zone” with people we are romantically interested in.  There is nothing worse then wanting more when the other person doesn’t seem interested in that.  Then I wonder why we actually don’t aim to be great friends before a romance even gets started?

I think some of the best relationships in history, the long-lasting ones, are couples who were extremely close friends.  The friendship that holds trust and loyalty can only improve a romantic relationship that comes later.

Guys, what is it about being friends with a woman that bothers you? Isn’t it possible that a strong friendship with a woman could enhance a romantic connection with her?

Ladies, do you find it difficult to begin a relationship with men who are your friends?

When you think about the people that you have dated, how do they rate on the friendship scale? Do you actually consider them people you would want to hang out with and enjoy without the potential for romance/sex?

Do you think people would want to be your friend without the possibility of love and sex? We all have the superficial things that we are attracted to but we know that is not enough to sustain a real relationship. Why don’t we put more effort and energy in being friends first?

402 comments Add your comment

Happylark

November 4th, 2009
8:47 am

I am married to my best friend. We started dating but had a friendship to develop also. I think that friendship is what has made us last 14 years and counting. If we were not married I think we still would be really close friends. We get along great and have soo many things in common.

Alldaysucker....

November 4th, 2009
8:57 am

This issue is Waaaaaaay to complicated to be framed as just “Can men and women be friends”? There are to many variables like social expectation and pressures, personal agendas ect… i think ultimately, it comes down to honesty. if folks would be forthright about what they were looking for, then most of the road blocks that prevent us being OK with the friend staus would fade away. Most of the guys I know have no problem being cool with women and in fact most have at least one woman that they consider one of their best friends. Women need to stop assumeing that all guys just want to sleep with them.

momnow

November 4th, 2009
9:17 am

When I was single I had a ton of guy friends and guys whom I considered really good friends. We would talk about everything and we would always watch sports and hang out. When I started getting serious with a guy, they would just vanish from sight and when I would call them out on it, they would tell me how they always wanted to be more and now they can’t stand to be around me knowing that I’m with someone else. Just really made things tough. Now, not ally my guy friends are like that, but I don’t have as many as I once did that’s for sure. You live and you learn and I have found that as I get older, it’s easier to have guy friends since most of us are all married with children as it is and it helps to have a sounding board.

mytw♥cents... WWMy2D?

November 4th, 2009
9:19 am

I’m always confused by how many miss this element. It just makes sense to me that those cool enough to kick it with would be cool enough to lick n stick it with. There are plenty people who don’t actually LIKE their lovers, though. The fact is, it’s damn near 2010 and some folks still place a higher value on having someone that makes more sense to those outside of the relationship than someone who’s actually adding value to the relationship. On the surface, our fickle society can understand why you’d be someone who looks good in person or on paper. Even if they’re crazy or sickening. Yet it’ll question a seemingly solid couple who outwardly isn’t a physical or intellectual match. But those are usually the ones who have found an enjoyable companionship and amazing chemistry as a result of it.

Mayor

November 4th, 2009
9:25 am

Well, speaking as the Mayor of Friendopolis and a male, my particular issue has never been the friendship part of a relationship, but trying to transition to something more romantic. For reasons I’m still trying to figure out, I’ve really only had very limited success in starting a relationship straight from the romantic approach. Thus, this leaves the friendship conversion method, which hasn’t been terribly effective for me either. So, perhaps I’m not the best metric to judge by, but having pursued the friendship conversion more times than I’d like to admit, I’d have to say it’s pretty much pointless (other than gaining some new friends, which is nice, but doesn’t really satisfy the desire for a romantic relationship).

C tha 1

November 4th, 2009
9:31 am

I recently married my best friend. That being noted I absolutely believe the friend zone is an overated experience. My wife can attest to this as we both were not always the best of friends to one another. In today’s culture the “friend” has become a loaded word. Simply put true friendship is a two way street. If their is no true reciprocity in a friendship then it ain’t real.

Often times people (women moreso than men) place a person of interest in the FZ to appease them and not appear to be the villian. In my experience it simply limits a person in a romantic sense and metaphorically castrates/nuture them otherwise. Once one takes the element of attraction/sexual tension out of male/female interaction then yes all that is left is the friendship. And that’s cool. I’d rather be the man who stands out than lumped in the hundreds of “friends” you have blending into your Facebook account or whatever. JMO. Off to a meeting.

Dood

November 4th, 2009
9:33 am

There are many variables but for a typical guy and typical non tomboy girl once you get on the friends laddter it is very hard to get off. Guys usually want to avoid this and it is better to be a jerk than in the friends zone if the guy wants more. I have several close female friends but they are all more on the tomboyish side having more guy friends than female friends. Some I have wanted to be or were more than friends. If you are mature and can give each other space after the relationship it can work. However the relationships where we were friends before and then dated have been short experiments. WWMy2D spot on.

ImAPeach404

November 4th, 2009
9:34 am

For me, it’s the physical I cannot get past once a guy has entered the FZ. I mean… once I consider you my boy, I ain’t trying to lay down with you. It’s gross. Totally a mental block on my end. So, this is one thing I know is my fault and cannot get past.

I have a guy friend now who would be the perfect man. If sex wasn’t going to be required – I could totally be with him.

sigh…

Dan -fighting for (inner) peace

November 4th, 2009
9:34 am

@My2

Chuch.

Totally amazes me that someone could have a “best friend” of the opposite sex and not at least explore a romantic relationship.

Why not “see what could be” with a close friend of the opposite sex. Seems to me that it’s more about the superficial than a genuine understanding of relationships.

ON TOPIC:

For me though, one reason my female friendships are limited is that females tend to “over share”. Some ladies have tried to relate to me as a man in the manner they relate to their female friends – it doesn’t work. The one’s that understand the boundaries of conversations have lasted and the one that haven’t, have not.

mytw♥cents... WWMy2D?

November 4th, 2009
9:35 am

MAYOR Do you find yourself becoming more & more attracted as the friendship grows and then mention it or do you target the object of your lusty affections and kinda spring it on her? Wondering if they’re feeling duped or if it’s so far into the friendship it’d be like thinkin bout kissing your brother. Yukky… What’s your let’s transition this convo usually like?

abc

November 4th, 2009
9:37 am

My girl is my best friend. As time goes on, I find that I have less and less interest in having other female friends. I’m just not interested; I don’t really know any chicks that are that friend-worthy. I used to have a few chick best friends, but it seems like these days, all they want to talk about is dating, skank ho escapades, nothing of much interest to me. They’re not that interested in what I’m doing, either.

Speaking of skank hos, did yall see the housewives on Leno last night? Those are 3 of the dumbest chicks I’ve ever seen. Seriously.

Professor

November 4th, 2009
9:40 am

Happy Wednesday!

Having someone that I really “like” is important to me…I enjoy laughing and being goofy so it is very important that some type of friendship is in place. The best relationships for ME were the ones were the friendship and relationship blossomed at the same pace. Basically being able to disclose and reveal who I am is an important part of friendship, yet most people cover these things up to get into a relationship. Why is that?

Mayor, I agree with you it is difficult to transfer those true platonic friendships into relationships…that is why I like for both to blossom at the same time.

Confession: I was friends with an ex for many years and the friendship transitioned into a relationship of three years, which I believe made the demise of the relationship worst.

Kym

November 4th, 2009
9:46 am

Good Morning All,

*sigh* I had something all prepared to share and figured why bother. This topic hits home I can relate..and it sucks. The End.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

November 4th, 2009
9:46 am

Mytwo you’re on it chica! That 9:19 summed it all up and THAT’s real talk.

Hayseed Dixie

November 4th, 2009
9:47 am

It’s like Chris Rock said, men have two kinds of women in their lives:

Women they’ve hooked up with, and women they haven’t hooked up with….*yet*.

SexyCool - Sore all over.

November 4th, 2009
9:50 am

Three Words Daily – God always provides.

Mayor

November 4th, 2009
9:50 am

@My2, there have been instances of both situations. But, if I’m honest, I think I probably recognize an attration fairly quickly, but shoot for being friends. This due in part to other social factors (don’t want to make things awkward for [or embarass] the rest of our mutual friends), as well as knowing that an outright approach will almost certainly fail. I realize this isn’t the most wise approach, but as I said before, at least there are some tangible benefits. As far as the transition convo, it’s usually not necessary as 1)she starts dating someone, or 2)it’s already painfully obvious that she not interested. I know, I’m like Homer Simpson grabbing the electrified donut: I keep getting hurt, but don’t change the behavior. Ehhh….

BSandwich

November 4th, 2009
9:52 am

Okay, it’s like Wise read my mind this morning. I was just thinking about this! I’m going to lurk for a while and get some view points.

M. (pronounced M dot)

November 4th, 2009
9:53 am

Guys, what is it about being friends with a woman that bothers you? Isn’t it possible that a strong friendship with a woman could enhance a romantic connection with her?

I think what bothers guys about being friends with a woman is HONESTLY having to be in a position to be where there is a CHANCE we may be used and maybe manipulated. Guy’s dont like that feeling of being called upon to do boyfriend stuff…drop you off at the airport, change a lightbulb, get a bug out of your house…lol…Also guys are logical and competitive…why would I do all this stuff when I know you are laying up with the next guy? I would just keep it moving to somebody else…

Why don’t we put more effort and energy in being friends first?

I think guys’s probably dont put in more effort and energy into being friends first because of the excitement factor. The feelings are different for wanting to befriend you and wanting to girlfriend you. Also I don’t think this can get reversed really…I know I have female friends that after getting to really know them, you really dont want to date them. That’s why you have to capitalize on that excitement factor in the BEGINNING. Its just that getting to really know them that you see that you two probably shouldnt be more than friends….

SexyCool - Sore all over.

November 4th, 2009
9:54 am

The infamous FZ. I have male friends. Most of whom would go there if I indicated that I would be a willing participant. There are a few things that keep my male friends in The FZ.

1. I value their friendship more than I do their johnson.

2. I’m not attracted to them like that.

3. For the most part, they aren’t looking for a relationship and would only get with me just for a free hit.

The other part of The FZ that I’ve learned to avoid is making former interests or lovers friends. It just makes ish messy, most often. And it is hella awkward to explain to your new honey.

The motto that I have adopted with formers and The FZ – Let it lie where it fell.

M. (pronounced M dot)

November 4th, 2009
9:57 am

@momnow

When I was single I had a ton of guy friends and guys whom I considered really good friends.

I am glad you said this….Women always “think” they have guy friends….when in reality, these guys are just loitering around and waiting on you to donate the goods….Am I right?

Professor

November 4th, 2009
9:57 am

SCool-

I noticed you are sore all over…are you coming down with the flu, or did P90X give mess you up? Get some epsome salt and hopefully that will help.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

November 4th, 2009
9:57 am

Morning All!!

Dan – “Totally amazes me that someone could have a “best friend” of the opposite sex and not at least explore a romantic relationship” My best friend is a guy and I have NEVER even thought to explore a romantic relationship with him. I dated a guy in high school that I was great friends with and when we broke up I missed my friend. Its a catch 22 situation to me. I wouldnt want to risk losing a friend if it doesnt work out. HOWEVER, I do understand how it can happen that people who are so close would end up dating, it almost seems like a ‘natural flow’. But being that close, knowing all of each other’s business…..the dynamics change when you enter a romantic relationship.

Dan -fighting for (inner) peace

November 4th, 2009
10:01 am

@M(dot)

That goes back to that convo from yesterday.

Females that want a male “friend” to be the man in their lives in everyway but the one, want a gay dude that fixes stuff. Flat out.

@Mayor

Man, you gotta stop that. Get rejected, it’s good for you. Better than chicken soup.

Melo

November 4th, 2009
10:02 am

Thats the problem i have with the bible..always contradicting itself?? :lol:

God always provides..ok, ill sit back and maybe mana will fall from the tree this afternoon…

Then!! another thumber will say,”dont do it,God helps those who help themselves”" Now thats confusing to say the least. :lol:

ON TOPIC:

Do you think people would want to be your friend without the possibility of love and sex?

YES,untill they sleep with me.He can be your friend,no big problem.

But most men are always wondering how good she is,even tho he may see u getting hooked to some other guys.Its always at the back of his mind.
Untill he finds out.
Neva ever trust a wild animal simply coz its caged and domesticated.One day,when u least expect it,it pounces.
A friend will get u at your weakest moment,proly when u tryin to heal from another failed relationship.
Most women will view that as the stars coming together,aligned,coz the friend understands her better and they have known each other for so long….yada, yada, yada(emotional)

Not the male-friend.
For him,its curiosity finally fulfilled.From then on,either it works or it dont!
Goo morning!

Professor

November 4th, 2009
10:04 am

…well I am headed to the fields singing with my hoe and shovel.

Go down, Moses, Way down in Egyptaland; Tell old Pharaoh: To let my people go. When Israel was in Egypt’s Land, Let my people go. Oppressed so hard they could not …

Dan -fighting for (inner) peace

November 4th, 2009
10:06 am

@Mo

That’s the problem.

He’s a guy (your friend). He’s not “one of the girls” with whom you’re share intimate details with (it’s his fault for listening). He’s supposed to be the physical representation of your natural testosterone.

When you start talking to him like a female, he become non-threatening to you sexually. There is no coming back from that.

But question for you Mo: if he knows “all yo bidness” and loves you anyway, how would it not occur to you that he may be better for you than the number of guys you’ve dated while y’all have been friends?

It just seems logical to me

Leggs

November 4th, 2009
10:06 am

Good morning.

Transitioning from friends to lovers can be like walking the tightrope w/o a net. I have 2 male friends that I’ve known for many, many years and have dated both in the past. We have always remained friends. Over the course of each of us living our lives separately and talking about just about anything, has proven to be problematic in me trying to get back with them. Both want to date me, but I know too much about their shenigans and all the women they’ve bed. Medically speaking, I would be afraid to touch either man! That’s the downsize to being friends then moving to a more romantic relationship. Too much knowledge!

SexyCool - Sore all over.

November 4th, 2009
10:07 am

Prof – I took approximately three weeks off from my workouts. (It was supposed to be ONE week.) I started back up with the time change since the sun now comes up early enough for me to feel safe running in my neighborhood again.

Um, yeah, so………going up and down the stairs and doing simple things like getting dressed is proving to be a special form of torture.

I am remembering muscles I forgot I had.

Welcome to all the new names.

Raqi

November 4th, 2009
10:09 am

My husband is my best friend and we were long time friends before our relationship evolved. Over the years we established a strong level of trust and admiration for just who we are as common people. To me being friends first is most important which is something I did not realize 15 – 20 years ago.

We tend to choose our friends based on a higher scale of trust, honesty and reliability than we do our mates. We tend to choose our friends on a less superficial scale that we do our mates. With a friend we tend to be free to share our thoughts and feeling without fear of negative criticism and judgment. Friends tend to want the best for each other and will encourage personal growth. That’s true friendship.

Those wonderful expectations and traits tend to get lost or are often overlooked when allowing ourselves to get acquainted with romantic interest upon initial interactions. We sometimes allow ourselves to be blinded by a pretty picture and miss what is most important.

I do believe having an existing friendship is a great part of the strength that holds my relationship together. The trust, honesty, and admiration was already there creating an excellent foundation to build something deeper on.

Dream_n

November 4th, 2009
10:11 am

I have guy that share the same interest as me, we like the same things, and would probably compatible in a relationship, but

A) I look at them as my guys..
B) I’ve met/hung out with most of their exes that are now cool with me
C) I know alot about them (good/bad)
d) As shallow as it seems, I’m just not attracted to them

Although it would seem to be the perfect relationship given that they know most things about you, you enjoy their company, and can talk to them about anything… Taking my “current friends” to the next level would be a little awkward for me at least b/c I never saw them in that manner…..

Now as for potential mates… I would hope that becoming friends first would be the best direction to go…

Oh Good Morning :)

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 4th, 2009
10:12 am

I married my best friend only to end up divorcing her and losing that friendship.. I think thats the part I was most hurt by.. The fact that we will never be friends again.. I dont know.. Its a tricky situation because you can lose a friendship that can never be repaired..

Raqi

November 4th, 2009
10:14 am

M dot, boyfriend stuff? Are you suggesting that favors should not be extended to or by friends? You wouldn’t want to help your female friend change a tire as a friend?

For the sake of conversation how do you determine what is friend worthy and what is boyfriend worthy?

Melo

November 4th, 2009
10:16 am

We tend to choose our friends on a less superficial scale that we do our mates

I take it, u and urs arent physically attracted to each other??

Now thats admirable,even near holy….

I aint on that pedestal tho,my flesh is so much weaker! :lol:
Show me a bouncy behind, a well stacked rack and a nice set of teeth and I may want to start a convo with u! :lol:

czBrat

November 4th, 2009
10:17 am

GM All!

several years back i transitioned from friend to lover then back to friend. he is still my very best male friend, simply because we get along great and enjoy each others’ company. no sexual tension between us. we realized we get along better as friends and, most likely, THIS relationship will last forever. we can and do talk about anything and everything.

as for my current s/o, i wholeheartedly believe that we should like each other as friends before we pursue loving each other as partners.

Chris

November 4th, 2009
10:18 am

Why perpetrate like I Want to be your friend if that’s not what I am here for? I approached you because I thought you were pretty, sexy, attractive. Hopefully you are pretty on the inside too which I hope to find out on ‘dates’ and phone convos. We should/will become friends through the dating process so why try and put the cart before the horse. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. The friends thing is a unecessary detour. Either you’re interested in going out with me or you’re not. if not I’m going to fing that brave girl looking to date. Instead of wasting time with hour behind I can be out looking for her. As the old folk say, it don’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine.

Deeva4Life

November 4th, 2009
10:19 am

1. I value their friendship more than I do their johnson.

2. I’m not attracted to them like that.

SexyCool – that’s how I feel about my male friends. But is that wrong? I mean, why can’t we just be friends? I mean, chemistry is an important part of a relationship if it’s not there IT’S NOT THERE, but we can’t be friends?? Wow! That’s funny to me because we’ve all (male and female) have found ourselves in situations where someone liked us in a way that we didn’t feel the same way. But I guess the rules are different when you’re doing it to someone or having it done to you *shrugs*

My best friend is a guy and I have NEVER even thought to explore a romantic relationship with him.
@ Mo I totally agree. One of my best friends is a guy and I love him dearly but I’ve never been attracted to him in a romantic sense so why ruin what I know works?

Dream_n

November 4th, 2009
10:19 am

Medically speaking, I would be afraid to touch either man!

lmao!!!

Funny Leggs, but very true…

BSandwich

November 4th, 2009
10:21 am

@Raqi 10:09 – EXACTLY!!!!

Lady J

November 4th, 2009
10:22 am

@ THE INFAMOUS DK I feel ya….not only did I lose his we were a couple within a group and I am only friends with one person out of the group…college that is…but it does hurt when the friendships are broken….

Moving forward after dating someone for a long period he insist we remain friends and it is weird I must say…I am not the one to remain friends with an ex or someone I interested in and the person isn’t interested but I am going 6 months strong being a true platonic friend…..It is weird with this technology we stay connected without placing a call…with our BBM convo aand texts periodically it does us well….and what makes it even more swell we don’t see each other…we don’t have mutual friends that we are around at the sametime and bump into each other……so I will call it growth again to remain friends after a breakup and not cut off total communication which I am so use to…It is a first and it isn’t easy as my feelings never changed but I just accepted it is what it is and it will NEVER be anything but what we had and our current friendship…

Others that are more experienced and have been through this give some pointers please…thanks!:)

M. (pronounced M dot)

November 4th, 2009
10:23 am

@ Raqi

For the sake of conversation how do you determine what is friend worthy and what is boyfriend worthy?

What I determine what is friend worthy or bf worthy is like this: If he ever got a girlfriend and you guys were still friends, something that you (knowing he has a gf) would not ask him to do that could come across disrespectful to his gf. Example, he has a gf and your flight got delayed and wont land until 12:45am. Would you still call him for a ride? NO! That is what bf’s do and he is not your man. That’s not his job.

But if you needed a reference for a job, that would be ok and friend worthy to me.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 4th, 2009
10:23 am

Prof – Confession: I was friends with an ex for many years and the friendship transitioned into a relationship of three years, which I believe made the demise of the relationship worst.

Already..

Melo

November 4th, 2009
10:26 am

czBrat?? if u were to marry ur s/o,wld u tell him u slept with ur “friend”??

Have u told ur s/o about the sexual relationship at all with “friend”?

:lol: :lol:

SexyCool - Sore all over.

November 4th, 2009
10:26 am

Sooo, LadyJ – You are friends JUST because he insisted. What if you had insisted that you all remained in the relationship? Would you still be in it?

If you don’t want to be his friend, don’t. No one has a gun to your head forcing yuo to interact with him. That’s not growth, that’s torture – or a complete waste of your life.

Lady J

November 4th, 2009
10:27 am

another little immature behavior I had to correct was thinking because we do speak periodically that there is the great hope that we will get together or he wants me just as much as I want him but NOT, not at all…When men communicate they say it all and it took time to figure this out…he just wants to be my friend and it is ok and this blog today will continue to make it clear that it can be…lol

MR. Unknown = Annoyed

November 4th, 2009
10:29 am

The infamous Friend zone, its a terrible place to be in… If you are attracted to someone, theres no turning that off. Besides the women that I have become friends with, I don’t want to date anymore…
Its the best way to find out the real person instead of the rep. When you discover the real person, 9 times out of ten you are no longer attracted to that person. Whether she a professional belcher, or picks her nose in public, she would do these things in front of a friend before she does this in front of someone that she is interested in… Good morning

Melo

November 4th, 2009
10:30 am

Lady J?? he doesnt want to be ur friend, i think.Dont believe what u hear….are u still pining for him tho,even tho its over.

He wants to keep u close so he can have an easy hit,eve now and then.

(what have u done tgether,friendly? since the demise,to suggest u “friends”?)

Lady J

November 4th, 2009
10:30 am

SexyCool I will be honest I am just his friend to keep that connection…The technology connection is cool…we don’t see each othr haven’t been together in almost a yr, no dates no nothing just how are you and hope all is well little small talk….and I guess being honest I am not ready to let that small part of NOTHING go…maybe oneday but not today…just keeping it real…I do want to be his friend to but I can’t lie my feelings have always been deeper…that is no secret…

SexyCool - Sore all over.

November 4th, 2009
10:31 am

LadyJ – It sounds more and more like he put your ass on the Layaway Plan or the Puddy in Glass Program – break in case of emergency.

Girl, get off that ride.

Cemeeli

November 4th, 2009
10:31 am

It is absolutley HOT, to be friends with your significant other…

..i was riding with a homegirl in the car…I just so happen to be on the phone with my old man…continued to finish the conversation with him…talkin…listening…I glanced over to my friend who was doing that silent cry-laughin’ thing ,and she just all “ke-ke-keing”…so i’m talking to him, but then looking at her with the “raised eyebrow”!…she gestures with her lips saying…”I’ll tell you later”…Now i’m intrigued as to what’s SO funny!…Me and my guy hang up the phone, I turn to her and she’s still tryna catch her breath from laughin…i ask “WHAT?”… Well, come to find out she overheard the tail end of me telling my old man about the vajayjay doctor’s visit…now i’m rewindin’ it…and i just said “Oh! Gurrlll i tell him so he’ll know it aint gone fall off!” Lol…her responses “Girl, wou two are funny and friends forever, some of us can’t even hardly tell our man that stuff!”…which sorta surprised me.

I thanked her because it reminded me that I honestly, truly, wholeheartedly enjoy, and am proud of my new best friend…