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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

The Chokin’ Kind

The other day I saw a music video of singer Joss Stone entitled The Chokin’ Kind. The song kind of haunted me a little because it reminded me of the pain of a past relationship.

I only meant to love you
Didn’t you know it babe
Why couldn’t you be content
With the love I gave
I gave you my heart
But you wanted my mind
Your love scares me to death
Oh it’s the chokin kind
That’s all it is.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month and I didn’t want the month to end without discussing it here.  I believe much of the abusive behavior of a relationship arises in the early dating stages. Most people won’t punch their date or verbally attack someone they’ve only just met, but there are red flags. I think it starts with control issues and escalates from there. We often disregard things that we shouldn’t. What are other red flags?  How do you avoid dating an abusive person?

Would you date someone who had been abusive in a past relationship?

Have you ever dated someone whose behavior was suffocating? When did you notice it? How do you handle it?

I wanted to share a few statistics from the Domestic Awareness Project:

1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men have experienced an attempted or completed rape.

Three women are killed by a current or former intimate partner each day in America, on average.

Over 22 percent of women and 7.4 percent of men surveyed, reported being physically assaulted by a current or former partner in their lifetime.

It’s staggering looking at the numbers, but behind these statistics are real people, who have experienced painful abuse. What more can be done to raise awareness?

Do you think that men should do more to end violence against women? In a call to men, the Domestic Violence Awareness project listed the first thing men can do: Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance, and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women. What are your thoughts?

250 comments Add your comment

GAPeaches

October 29th, 2009
10:24 am

very good topic, but too heavy for this group IMO. Be ready for a topic change.

texasboy

October 29th, 2009
10:36 am

I believe everybody both man and woman should keep thier hands to themselves in a realtionship.

kinderbabe

October 29th, 2009
10:37 am

very, very interesting that there are no comments…hmmmm. GAPeaches, i think you’re right. gonna be nothing but crickets on this one.

domestic violence is not just a problem for women. it’s a problem for men too. there are a number of men who are being abused emotionally, mentally and physically by their mates.

i haven’t dated anyone who has been physically abusive or abused (that i know of). it’s a very taboo subject and i’m not sure a man would exactly admit that he’s been an abuser or has been abused.

THE INFAMOUS DK

October 29th, 2009
10:38 am

Im gonna go a little further.. I think everyone should keep their hands and their mouths to themselves.. Words hurt more than any punch thrown because the pain cuts deeper and lasts longer..

Atlanta Gentleman

October 29th, 2009
10:40 am

Good morning everyone.

@GAPeaches, I agree to a certain extent that this is a rather dark and weighty subject. After my first and pleasurable jaunt here yesterday I was eagerly waiting for today’s post. This is like slamming on the brakes when trying to pull out onto the highway bound for the seaside.

I will wait and see what thoughts come across from the others. This can go in so many directions.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
10:41 am

GM All!

Certainly an important topic, Wise Diva. Lots of thoughts running through my head but none that I’m prepared to share just yet. I’ll lurk a while.

ditto DK’s comment!

THE INFAMOUS DK

October 29th, 2009
10:41 am

Kinderbabe – Do you honestly think a dude would tell someone he was abused by a woman? Thats why it happens sooo much to men cause if we call the police.. They think its funny and he’s being a B!tch.. Then our friends.. Come on.. Its more Woody and Esters out there than we care to talk about..

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 3days...

October 29th, 2009
10:42 am

Three Words Daily – Every day counts.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 3days...

October 29th, 2009
10:44 am

Reading JUST the title – I so thought that we were going in a different direction with this topic.

Er, um….Don’t mind me. :grin:

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
10:48 am

Forgot to update my countdown.

Speaking of mouths to themselves – Last week at Uptown, Paul Mooney said that only really, really scared people bite you. He says that Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield because he was scared he was about to get his butt beat. And that Chris Brown beat Rihanna cause she was in that car whuppin up on the right side of his behind.

And on the serious side of this, I deplore abuse in any form, but I truly believe that the worse abuse is the kind that mutilates your self esteem and leaves scars on your soul.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
10:51 am

kinderbabe – The blog didn’t open until nearly 1030a this morning.

abc

October 29th, 2009
10:51 am

Men that physically abuse women and/or children should be locked in a room with 5 or 6 very large guys, who would beat the sht out him repeatedly. I shake my head at men who weren’t taught at an early age that you never hit a girl. I was taught that not only is it just plain wrong, but that you’ll lose no matter what if you hit a girl.

On the flip side, I’ve had chicks that wanted to beat on me. Long ago, I gained the habit of telling new chicks point blank, “No Hitting, if you hit me, I’m through, period.” It’s not fair for a chick to be punching on a guy that they know won’t hit them back.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
10:51 am

what the heck …. i’ll put a lil’ bit out there. my marriage was physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally abusive. result … i’m hesitant now. and i’m finding it hard to tell the difference between being protected and cherished and being controlled. to be on the safe side, i just keep everyone at a safe distance. i pray on this constantly but i’m still (overly) cautious.

MsM

October 29th, 2009
11:00 am

Met I guy once who told his side of a domestic violence case with his now ex-wife, of course, he said she lied on him… then a few weeks later must have forgotten he’d talked about it and made the comment about something on TV and how he would have slapped the he*l*l out of the female character , in the dialog back and forth between us he made it quite clear to me where he stood… last time I talked/saw dude… I was so out of there.

Melt_me

October 29th, 2009
11:01 am

I would have to disagree with DK in saying that words hurt deeper than a physically abusive relationship. As a woman who has delt with both senerios I would have gladly taken the verbal abuse over butt whoppins anyday because although the scars heal the memories last a life time. I would agree however that most men would deny being any part of an abusive relationship be it perpetrator or victim because the subject is so taboo. As far as women keeping their hands to themselves yes, but is a woman having a nasty mouth an excuse for being physically aggressive? Where is the self control? When does the man take responsiblity for his actions? One question I have for the men is have you ever been in a relationship with a woman who has been abused? How has it affected your relationship?

MR. Unknown = Annoyed

October 29th, 2009
11:02 am

Heavy,, I was taught not to hit a woman as a kid ,, but I was never taught how to handle a woman that is on the attack with her mouth peice… I never understood how women are held to a different standard when it comes to abuse.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:05 am

Wise: You have to be careful when reporting the stats that you posted. DV is an industry like everything else. Pad your number the more money you receive. “Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance, and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women.” – This is an overly broad statement with no notion that female commit violence. In other words that statement is saying only men are responsible for DV. Which is just not true and you can spend a weekend looking at Snapped to confirm it. However, there are several studies out that show DV is almost equal (51% men – 49% women) between the sexes.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
11:06 am

because although the scars heal the memories last a life time

i believe that’s exactly why DK said what he said.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:08 am

Now as for the numbers you posted for rape, they do not include false accusations. If you travel to the various law enforcement office throughtout this state you will get a different definition of rape from each unit. That being said, studies have proven the 1 n 6 women rape stat to be false.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:08 am

I am not about to hit ANY dude. EVER. One time I did get big and bad enough, a former bf and I were having a Cheaters style confrontation at the QT on Sidney Marcus. In front of about 15 people in the parking lot, I ‘dinked’ him up side the head with my finger. That resulted in him putting his arms around my neck (And not in a loving fashion.) Dude was 6′4 and linebacker built at about 285 pounds. (That was so not a smart move on my part.)

When the police came, it would have been him going to jail if I had chosen to press charges.

These days, I would dare hit, slap or ‘dink’ a damn dude.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:08 am

Wise Diva

October 29th, 2009
11:11 am

My apologies for the opening the blog so late! This is the PERFECT topic for THIS blog, in my opinion. I am sure the topic will change, but I do hope there is some discussion about ways we can raise awareness.

BackandAtIt

October 29th, 2009
11:13 am

Very heavy topic, but a good one that should be explored. I’ve dealt with abuse previously and it can sneak up on you, especially when tempers are flying on both ends and things get out of hand. If you’ve never dealt with it before, you may not recognize what could lead to abuse. In hindsight, I can see where it does involve control and the inability to deal with emotions. Alot of it immaturity emotion wise. Also, not recognizing what your boundaries are in what to reasonably expect in a relationship or from another person. And it can apply to men and women

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:16 am

I can truly say that right now – I don’t know of any one that is admitting to being in a DV situation.

Although…my auntie Kisha seems like she might shake uncle Jeremy up a little bit er now and then. She’s got a crazy temper.

abc

October 29th, 2009
11:17 am

Chicks that want to argue and fight all the time get ditched. That’s the correct way to handle them, Mr. Unknown.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:18 am

The problem with DV is accountability, self-control and the law.

Mo (chaneneling Grouchy Smurf)

October 29th, 2009
11:19 am

okay I dealt with verbal abuse and I swear the scars it leaves are no joke. I was called everything under the sun BUT a child of God and I could ever understand how someone could spew such venom at you and then claim they love you. (I know anger can take over sometimes but dayum) I realized one day though after watching how he interacted with his family, mainly his mother, that dude had no accountability for what he said. In his world, if he felt it/thought it/etc then he said it no matter how crazy/hurtful/disrespectful it was. Now I know it sounds old fashioned that I mentioned how he spoke to his mother specifically but since this dude had very few females in his family, how he talked with her raised a red flag. Hindsight taken, I should have never endured as much as I did, but lesson learned.

I also remember years ago when I first joined the real working world, I had a manager that was killed by her abusive husband.

I would tell any person to kick rocks if any person ever abuses you in anyway in a relationship, its simply not worth it.

Melt_me

October 29th, 2009
11:19 am

Data is always manipulated but Im suprised For real was able to find a study that showed the percentage of DV so close, thats good it means men are atleast starting to acknowlege abuse in their relationships. I knew a guy that was being physically and verbally abused. I would talk to him and say, that girl is crazy and she is abusing you and he would blow it off. She would beat him with pots, pans, curling irons, shoes, push him down stairs but he refused to acknowlege it and they are still together.

Melo

October 29th, 2009
11:20 am

woman having a nasty mouth an excuse for being physically aggressive?

where is the self control??? hahaha

so u mean only a man shld control his hands and the woman cant control her mouth?? Melt_me?? u serious??

Abuse is abuse, whether physical,emotional or verbal,dont water it down simply coz the scar may not be visually visible.

U say u wld have preferred taking the physical abuse…its women like u who perpetuate abuse in our society coz u excuse one form of abuse over the others.Some women will use the abuse that they are good at,verbal over the one they arent good at,physical and vice versa.
Theyre are women out there who dwnright beat on husbands and boyfriends,so dont down play one form simply coz thats the one u prefer.

Abuse is wrong and dont engage in it. Period!

i'm swiss

October 29th, 2009
11:24 am

“Do you think that men should do more to end violence against women?”

My parents taught me never to hit a woman & I never have nor will I. If I ever have a son of my own, he will be taught the same (for that matter, if I have a daughter she will be taught the same). Apart from that, I’m not sure what else anyone could be expected to do? At some point, people who are in an abusive relationship have to take responsibility for the fact that they are still in the relationship even after it has become abusive. I can promise you, the first time any woman I’m with tries to beat my arse, I’m out. Period. End of story.

Atlanta Gentleman

October 29th, 2009
11:24 am

@ Melt_me – Yes, I had at one time started a relationship with a woman who had come from an abusive one. It didn’t last long as she hadn’t dealt with her pain from it and like czBrat related, she had trouble dealing with a ‘normal’ relationship and understandably so. I couldn’t or didn’t know how to deal with that extensive of an issue.

Abuse comes from several sources but I believe it is a learned behavior, outside of any mental issues. As children grow they can only draw on what is shown to them. The other source is pain, just like suicide is anger turned inward, people with internal emotional pain will strike out. Whether it be from lack of self esteem or true painful experiences delivered during childhood.

As far as any woman being abusive to me, no not really but I did have a woman start to stalk me one time.

Talk about a track record, no wonder I haven’t been out there in a while.

Melt_me

October 29th, 2009
11:25 am

Melo I think you should read my 11:19

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:29 am

Let me restate something that I said earlier because….well, just because….

“I deplore abuse in any form, but I truly believe that the worse abuse is the kind that mutilates your self esteem and leaves scars on your soul.”

Melo

October 29th, 2009
11:29 am

Ur 11.19 is cool with me Melt_me..are u saying u attoning that for ur 11.01 which full of hypocrisy??

u want self control on tha part of men when they physically abuse but no control for women when they verbally abuse??
Am i reading that right?? or u since changed on reflection per 11.19?

Melo

October 29th, 2009
11:33 am

When a woman “lies”? proly,to a man and says,”these kids arent urs and ur tools are useless and wrthless!”", females dont know how much emotional turmoil that causes to any man…….and the self esteem issues that causes that man henceforth. Verbal abuse with far reaching repurcasions,long after the relatioship has ended.

THE INFAMOUS DK

October 29th, 2009
11:33 am

For Real – The problem with DV is accountability, self-control and the law. Speak on it…

And I’ll add one more.. Consequences for those that lie about it..

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:34 am

Also, giving real thought to what can be done about it, I really don’t know. I cannot put my mind around what might go on in the mind of an abuser – physical or any other type. So, I have no answers.

Even at my angriest wth Shthead or the ex, I didn’t want to strike out at them physically.

My 53cent psychological advice would be to find other ways to channel that anger and agression and to learn to remain conscious of the consequences and repurcussions of EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DO even in anger.

For me, I think that is what I see as the truest sign of maturity awareness of and taking responsibility for ALL OF YOUR ACTIONS and managing those actions with that in mind.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
11:34 am

@SCool ~ I too thought it was going down a different avenue.

I have never been abused physically. Some harsh words were hurled at me by my ex, but that’s the extent and those words never made an imprint on my soul.

@AtlGent ~ sorry you had to pump your brakes :lol: Stick around, very colorful conversations take place in blogsville. Also, welcome to the neighborhood.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:35 am

Swiss/abc: I have two sons and it’s easy to say never hit a girl back in our/your/abc’s day (cause abc old and neither one of us was in his day) but these lil heffers today are no joke. They know they can hit a boy and will not get into trouble. A lil girl 10yo split a lil boy 10yo head with a stapler cause he didn’t like her. I’m sorry, a female body isn’t more valuable than a man’s body. Everyone has a right to protect themself.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:38 am

Hell, I never even called Shthead a piece of sht and told him what I really thought about his sorry ass actions until after we’d been broken up for over a month and he called me harassing me and talking down to me.

I don’t engage in verbal abuse of my mate because I don’t need to tear him down in order to build myself up no matter what the issues that he and I may face. Besides, as a Black man, he is already attacked enough and deals with enough affronts daily without me adding fuel to that fire. And I am thankful to God to have found someone who sees things the same way I do.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:39 am

What can be done about DV?

Like DK said: “Consequences” but they would have to be equal. I have seen too many man lives ruined because of false DV. It’s the first step in a divorce.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:41 am

Scool: “Besides, as a Black man, he is already attacked enough and deals with enough affronts daily without me adding fuel to that fire.” – Don’t give that punk anymore excuses for his poor behavior and lackluster ethics.

Melt_me

October 29th, 2009
11:42 am

Melo now that you have had time to read it, I dont deny that abuse is abuse but in my situation the torment and memories of the physical abuse outweighed the torent of the verbal but both were terrible experiences. Many women have a totally different response. I know that many women talk down to men and are disrespecful and I never said that wasnt abuse, but in the case of a smart mouth woman are you saying that that is an excuse for a woman to be beat up? If you do then I think that YOU would be the type of person that is perpetuating abuse in society. Dont get me wrong, if it seems that Im saying its okay for women to say and do what they want and have no consequences thats not it but what i am saying is it is wrong for a man to hit a woman (for any reason) and say well she was talking slick she got what she deserved. I would say thats the type of woman you need to leave alone the first time she says somthing out the way. And since you seem so passionate about it maybe you should start working with men and women who’s lives have been changed by DV.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:42 am

And I don’t get these people who think it’s cute to talk crazy to each other and curse each other out and all that ish. Yes, I curse like a sailor, but I am not going to curse at my man or curse him out. I am also not going to call him out of his name or disrespect his person during an argument.

That mess is like hammering nails in a fence. You can pull the nails out but the holes are still there.

When discussing tense matters, I prefer to stay focused on the issues. It keeps ish more simple.

abc

October 29th, 2009
11:44 am

I’m not that old. Okay, maybe I am! I taught my sons to never hit a girl, and they haven’t, and they won’t. The only way any of us will defend ourselves against such abuse by chicks is to ensure we’re not available to them.

That goes for what Melo is talking about, too. Chicks love to make fun of guys, with disregard for the effects, and attribute hard feelings to so-called ‘fragile male ego’. I have no use for chicks like that, nobody does.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:45 am

For Real – I was so NOT talking about Shthead when I said that. I was referring to my current relationship and meaning that I don’t have to attack MND personally to make a point when we are discussing something.

Now, cheatin’ ass Shthead can go straight to hell as far as I’m concerned.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:45 am

Melt-me: Yes the numbers are starting to disprove the lies that organizations like NOW try to push to further their agenda and funding. I think it was ABC that ran a special that showed a man yelling and screaming at a woman and the reaction from bystanders was to call the police or step in. When they reversed the situation all the women bystanders yelled out “You Go Girl” and the laughed. I’ll try to find clip and post it for you.

Melo

October 29th, 2009
11:45 am

What can be done about DV?

i wld rather we ask,”what can we do to avoid DV?”"

And i opine that self control is the key.When u get angry to the point of wanting to hurl tha most visciuos verbal attack,STOP and move away to coool that temper.Extricate urself from the situation and go smewhere if need be,where u recollect, clam down and process to allow u to think clearer without emotion.
If need be,cut ties. Thats how DV can be avoided.

i'm swiss

October 29th, 2009
11:46 am

“I have seen too many man lives ruined because of false DV. It’s the first step in a divorce.”

Yeah, sadly that’s often the case. My best friend had to deal w/ that in his divorce. I’ve known this dude since 2nd grade & the guy wouldn’t hurt a fly, but his ex-wife tried to claim abuse during the divorce. (The reality was, *she* was the abusive one — she even stabbed the dude with a fork once) Fortunately, it didn’t work, but it still cost him a boatload of $$ in legal fees to defend himself.

MR. Unknown = Annoyed

October 29th, 2009
11:48 am

For any man to admit being abused is like saying he a punk or view as being weak…
Here’s a real question,,,, how many bruths have come close I mean really close to being physical with a woman… I raise my hand,, Its not fun to run up out of a house because you are about to drill said girl for crossing that verbal boundary… I was taught to never hit a woman, but I was also taught to physically fight when standing up for myself… I think the lines get blurred… I never hit a woman before, I can say that.
Someone said that women that like to fight and argue get ditched.. ?!? How is that resolving the problem of DV.. Because those same women that got ditched are going to find the right guy thats going to beat that A%%… When do women accept their role, thats my question…

Melt_me

October 29th, 2009
11:49 am

I think For real is right about accountability and also education on the subject, knowning the signs and flags, knowing what to avoid.

i'm swiss

October 29th, 2009
11:50 am

“The only way any of us will defend ourselves against such abuse by chicks is to ensure we’re not available to them.”

abc / For Real — I’ve gotta co-sign abc’s statement above. I’m never got to get involved with any chic that shows tendencies for abusive behavior. And at the first sign of any such tendency, I’m out — long before anything life-threatening occurs.

Now, if some random chick that I don’t know from Eve runs up on me & tries to jack me, I will f@#k her up…. :lol:

Melo

October 29th, 2009
11:50 am

And since you seem so passionate about it maybe you should start working with men and women who’s lives have been changed by DV

u proly more passionate about it than me,seeing that u are a victim.
But it dont sound like u objective tho,which does not surprsie me.
When u say a “slick” mouth,what kind of “slick” qualifies as non abusive and what kind of non-slick is abusive.I bet u using “slick” as a euphamism to hide the real damnage ot the words.
Educate me on that??

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
11:51 am

I cannot put my mind around what might go on in the mind of an abuser – physical or any other type.

SexyCool control.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:52 am

Scool: I was talking about Ishhead too.

Melt-me: “Dont get me wrong, if it seems that Im saying its okay for women to say and do what they want and have no consequences thats not it but what i am saying is it is wrong for a man to hit a woman (for any reason)” – You can’t have it both ways. If verbal abuse exist for women then it exist for men. Consequences, Consequences, Consequences… Beside, it’s funny how chicks know when and who they can flip off at the mouth with….

Chick: You limp dyck, ugly, stankin, no good bastard. And yo mammy’s a hoe!

Other Chick: You do realize that’s Mike! As in Mike Tyson!

Chick: I wasn’t talking bout Mike! I was talkin to abc.

i'm swiss

October 29th, 2009
11:52 am

Oops… that should have read “I’m never going to get involved…”

BackandAtIt

October 29th, 2009
11:53 am

@forreal. I have to deal with the same as a mother with two boys. I strongly do not advocate a boy hitting a girl and tell my sons in a heartbeat. Yet it goes both ways-it is not okay for a girl to hit a boy either. And while my sons are taught to respect that fact, that doesn’t meant that some of these girls are being taught the same.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
11:55 am

And here I thought that “imprint on my soul” was an original, but I see SCool said the same thing!

I remember when I picked up a lamp to knock the living daylights out of my ex, and just as quickly remembered lil leggs was upstairs and I didn’t want to go to jail. That’s the only time I came close to DV. Instead I did the next best thing. Filed my papers!

THE INFAMOUS DK

October 29th, 2009
11:55 am

I’ve spoken to great lengths about how a false DV charge That were droppoed and dismissed made me lose full custody of my son. My Ex knew she would lose custody if she didnt get me out the house.. I was the primary caregiver, so what does she do.. She comes home late (5am) starts an arguement cause I locked her out gets the police and they take me to jail.. Was I angry? No doubt.. Did I hit that woman? No and I put that on my sons life.. Did we argue? Of course but thru the glass screen door.. So when she got the police.. Taking her shoes off and sobbing uncontrollably (mind you she had just come home), I thought it was funny, but by the end of the situation I was snatched out my house, cuffed, stuffed and hauled off to jail.. I spent the next 9 months fighting it.. The county kept trying to get me to cop a plea with no marks on her, no evidence that anything happened. They would always do it when I was sitting out in the lobby waiting on court to begin before my lawyer got there.. So this is a very touchy situation for me because Ive never put my hands on a woman a day in my life but spent a huge amount of money fighting bogus charges and after they knew nothing happened nothing happened to her. The killer was the judge on the bench was a victim of domestic violence.. If that isnt a conflict of interest I dont know what is..

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
11:58 am

GM All…

I so was not ready for this topic…but i guess when dealing with dating you have to cover all aspects and unfortunately this is one of them…

I despise abuse of any kind coming from a man/woman…
I think it’s absolutely wrong and cowardly!

Whether it be physical/mental/verbal abuse it’s just not something you want to be associated with.

Coming from a verbal/physical abusive relationship, it’s scary at times. I’ve been pushed about 3x’s and choked once. The verbal abuse was more consistant. It first began with jealousy… I interpreted his questions of .. Where were you/Where are you going/ Why didn’t you answer as being concerned and I thought it was cute. I thought that him wanting to know my every move showed that he truly loved me, but I soon learned that it was a way to control me. He didn’t get verbally/physically abusive right away, but there were signs there that I didnt notice.. Like getting angry when ther was no soda(no joke). the first time he pushed me I was stunned, surprised, and in total disbelief. As soon as he saw my face he immediately apologized… I went back. Each time he pushed me I left him alone longer….I was in love with that man though, so I went back to him after the voicemails, the begging, and the gifts. The verbal was something that I could take (oddly enough at the time, no need for a long winded break)… He’d say that noone is going to want me, you’re stupid, I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, all other guys are going to want you for sex.. all that stuff that brings you down and makes you feel horrible about yourself… but then there would be the apology saying I didn’t mean it I just don’t want you to leave me… I then stayed…. The last straw was about 6 or 7 months ago when he choked me, that dude choked me…. put his hands around me neck and choked me!! That was it I was done, I had had it up to here with his mess… I look back and I don’t know why I stayed so long.. i could say love, i could say convenience, and I could say that I was scared noone would want me… I’ll just take all the above… After that I shut down.. his apologies were hollow.. i didnt want him anymore.. i couldn’t believe that he had choked me as if I was nothing.. as if I had not helped him get out of his moom’s house, as if I had not taken care of our daughter, as if when he lost his job.. I wasn’t there taking care of everything until he got on his feet… All that went through my head, I then started to blame myself for staying… He only did what I allowed him to do as hard as it is to admit, its the truth… So for the past months I have been living with a guy that has been trying to be the best boyfriend ever… no arguing, no hitting (simple disagreements) , but nothing major… and I wonder where this guy was for the past 3 yrs… It pains my heart to leave him, but I have gotten him accustomed to how to treat me and although he’s showing the side of him that I grew to love, I know in an instatnt he can turn around and be the man I hate……

For Real

October 29th, 2009
12:00 pm

abc/swiss: I agree that the sooner you spot those tendices in a chick you should leave. I call it the “crazy eyes”. Once I see a chick with them ain’t nothin she can say to me.

Chick: Heyyyy for real?

For Real: Hey there foxy momma what you got cookin?

Chick: Alligators!

For Real: (Screaming like a hoe in church)

Ms. Main....popping in for a second

October 29th, 2009
12:02 pm

Heavy but real topic. Never been abused. I have to agree with whomever stated yeah hurtful words carries a razor’s edge. In skimming I saw this question——> but is a woman having a nasty mouth an excuse for being physically aggressive? Where is the self control? When does the man take responsiblity for his actions?

I don’t think there’s ever a reason to smack anyone but I’m sure those that are abusive would beg to differ. Especially those that swear by the code that a potty mouthed woman is EVERY reason to knock her around a time or two in getting and demaning respect. I soooo disagree. It’s just time to go, IMO.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
12:05 pm

“… He’d say that noone is going to want me, you’re stupid, I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, all other guys are going to want you for sex.. all that stuff that brings you down and makes you feel horrible about yourself…” This must be boilerplate language when men want a woman to feel inferior. My ex said the samething to me, but I always laughed in his face when he said it!

@Dream_n, we all have lessons to learn as we navigate through life. Glad you opened your eyes then and now know what you need to do.

THE INFAMOUS DK

October 29th, 2009
12:06 pm

Oh and I went to court 8 times before they dropped the charges.. She only came to court once and didnt say a word.. They would do stupid stuff like have me show up to court to say they werent ready and to comeback on this day, only to send a letter to show up a week later.. It was the worst experience of my life.. They just assumed I had whopped her cause she said so and the judge was upset because I wouldnt cop a plea, but I wasnt guilty so i wasnt copping to anything..

Ms. Main....popping in for a second

October 29th, 2009
12:06 pm

I can’t wrap my mind around being with an abusive spouse/SO. I know it happens but I pray that I’m never approached. I already know I’m not staying but I pray I’m never approached.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
12:08 pm

DK: I’m glad you stood up for yourself and those tricks with the court date was in hopes that you wouldn’t show then they press charges.

Ms. Main....popping in for a second

October 29th, 2009
12:08 pm

He’d say that noone is going to want me, you’re stupid, I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, all other guys are going to want you for sex.. all that stuff that brings you down and makes you feel horrible about yourself…”

Like my mama ALWAYS said, if they want you someone will too

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
12:11 pm

I grew up watching Mama get beat. I was always astounded by the times I heard her provoke, egg him on to hit her. Never really appearing to care that us kids were in the other room scared shytless. We broke up a few fights, but I’m still riddled w/guilt about the one fight I didn’t break up, but felt in my bones something wasn’t right as Mama encouraged me to walk to the pizza shop so many years ago. Came back to a freaking nightmare!

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
12:12 pm

Dream_n all i can say is, “so happy to see you still with us this morning”. :)

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
12:14 pm

Leggs

It’s funny b/c i look back and some of the stuff he said was quite comical.. as Ms Main quoted.. If he wanted me someone else will… plus with my good genes I’m sure!! lol j/k

DeMarcus

October 29th, 2009
12:15 pm

Diva has done plenty of chokin’ over the years.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
12:21 pm

Leggs & Dream_n i, too, heard those comments over and over again, and for many years i believed it. finally i said “so be it” and took the step to end the marriage.

DK your experience was horrible. if you believe in karma, people who falsely use something so vile as a tool to punish another will learn their lesson one day.

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
12:23 pm

Domestic Violence is real.

IMO it’s all about control.

1. One person wanting to control another individual.
2. A person not being able to control their emotions and actions.

I think the reason so many people find themselves in abusive relationships is because they at first are not true to themselves about what is really going on. And secondly, many make excuses, the abuser and the abused alike, for their actions.

You often hear people say they react from being under a lot stress. You hear others say that their mates provoked them. I don’t care what excuse may be used, if you cannot control your actions you need to get help. However, the wrong side of that is that some don’t realize or belief that anything is wrong with them to get help for.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
12:24 pm

Oh. and he would add to those comments “beleive me, no black man will want a woman with two kids. no black man wants to raise another man’s kids”. that one REALLY put enough fear in me to make me stay. but eventually i did reach that “so be it” point and moved on. thank GOD!

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
12:26 pm

Dreams from what I remember reading in previous discussions, since you were living with your mother at the time did you not tell her what was going on?

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
12:28 pm

SexyCool I too thought something different from the topic itself. LOL

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

October 29th, 2009
12:28 pm

Interesting topic for sure….

Before they divorced, I grew up watching my father fight my mom and a few times I stopped them from fighting. Sumtimes when they usd to argue I’d stand outside the room just to make sure he didn’t hit her and to this day that’s just part of the reason I resent him. I’ve often heard that women date men who remind them of their fathers but not me. I did at one time date a guy that I ended up having a fight with and we were in that bytch moving furniture and stuff ’cause I just wasn’t about to let that shyt slide. Needless to say I broke it off after that and when I encounter crazy fools like that I bounce with the quickness cause sometimes I don’t/won’t back down and that’s not always good….so I just avoid those types of guys like the plague.

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
12:29 pm

Leggs

My mom was abused also.. me being young I was scared out of my mind!!!! I thought each time he beat her was going to be her last day… traumatizing.

The one good thing, if any in my situation is that he never pushed/choked me in front of our daughter…

He always said he had an anger problem.. while I do believe that, I believe he had a selective anger problem and the intended target was me…. He could be saying some very off the wall things to me, but let my lil one come in and his entire demeanor would change…

It was scary…

Fred (the old one!)

October 29th, 2009
12:30 pm

Back when I used to keep up with the numbers, a woman was more likely to be hurt in an incident of DV and a man was more likely to be killed in an incident. This was attributed to a man being more likely to use his hands and body but a woman was more likely to use a force multiplier shuch as a knife or a gun.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
12:30 pm

Raqi/Leggs – head nod to my fellow freaky…er, um, creative chicks. ~lol~

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
12:32 pm

Raqi

She knew, my sis knew, my dad, my brother, my best friend…. everyone knew that was willing to listen to me in my family… and of course they told me to get out, my mom especially.. but I was in love, I was young. At one point some people washed their hands, and rightfully so, I wasn’t listening to what they were saying… i would complain and never take the advice given.

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
12:34 pm

Infamous it is a sad but true fact that in cases of domestic situations a woman’s voice speaks louder than a man’s.

I remember the time I saw a woman haul of hit the guy in the car with her. She was whacking him pretty good for a sec. We called the police. While I realize the woman’s side was probably heard over his initially, I feel like even if it did take him some court visits and finances, he was better off than if the cops weren’t called at the beginning and he ended up whipping her pretty badly defending himself.

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
12:38 pm

Sassy

I was scared to even try to break anything up.. My dad was the type that wanted everything in our house to stay private. We couldn’t have anyone sleeping over… We talked to our mom about our days at school or things that were bothering us.. While we respected our dad.. we dare not cross him…

Atlanta Gentleman

October 29th, 2009
12:42 pm

@Leggs – Stick around, very colorful conversations take place in blogsville. Also, welcome to the neighborhood.

Thanks for the welcome. You are not kidding about the conversations, lively stuff going here and good to see but I have too many conference calls and meetings today to keep proper track.

I will try and pop back in later today if work allows it.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
12:46 pm

@czB ~ you see, I never once believed it. I still smile at the time when he told me how “stupid” I was to file divorce papers and how I’m taking the roof from over our daughter’s head because there’s no way I could afford the house and the monthly expenses by myself (let alone raise her). 4 years later and still smiling!!!! Broke as hell, but still smiling!

Melo

October 29th, 2009
12:50 pm

Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance, and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women. What are your thoughts?

For me and mine, i think now,we are more proactive when we have disagreements.
There is mutual trust and respect and the realization that we raising other pple in the home..so we very mindful.
We dont argue in front of our kids,we respect each other’s point of view and if it gets heated for some reason,the other party is usually quiet…not interrupting, to raise the tempers.

Iam personally more mellow in my demeanor than i used to be.Cold,like a cucumber so much that if u scream FIRE!,it dont phase me.

When u cool headed,u tend to be more rational in ur ways than if u let anger and emotions overtake u.
I think that is the key to keeping DV in check.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

October 29th, 2009
12:51 pm

Dream My “sperm donor” was the type that the whole neighborhood liked and respected….the kind that’ll do anything for anyone except his wife and children. He intimidates people and is known knuckle up when approached the wrong way….but only in the streets. What I’ve come to realize is that he doesn’t like to be confronted by us(his children but mostly me cause I’ve done it several times) and my mom and I think it’s out of guilt b/c he knows whatever we confront him about is true and he can’t handle it. Now I know that he’s a mama’s boy and she means more to him than we ever did/will….so he’ll have to ride with that til he meets his maker. In the words of Big Boi….you can gone get the hell on…you and your mama…is how I’m feeling.

veit

October 29th, 2009
12:52 pm

Would like to say that I think the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I think people (male or female) that are abusers were raised in a abusive environment. Some people make the decision to never be that way and some just dont know any better, they should but they don’t. I have been in three (stepfather and two husbands) very abusive relationships becuase I thought I could HELP them (husbands) but came to realize, I could not they have to help themselves. I was also abused as a child physically, mentally and sexually. I say shame on parents who raise their kids around it and dont show them it’s wrong. Dont stay with someone for convenience or because you were raised that divorce is not acceptable. Never let a mother in law tell you that she put up with it and it will get better in a few years, just give it time. B…S…, I finally said enough in enough!!! All abusers: get help, take a class where you can deal with your anger and issues, buy a boxing bag do, remove yourself from the situation, whatever you have to because LIFE IS TO SHORT!!!

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
12:54 pm

Leggs it wasn’t so much the insults that resonated with me. it was the threats. things like “you’ll never get away from me”, “i’ll never let you take my kids”, “no other man will want your baggage”. those things really instilled a fear in me of being alone and burdened. i guess he knew me well enought to know how to get to me. but i finally realized the worst of my burden was him.

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
1:01 pm

I think one of the most horrifying things about domestic violence that gets overlooked is when the authorities are called to respond to such situations, the abused takes the side of the abuser. My sister and my best friend are attorneys and there are many, many cases where the abusers are taken into custody but when it’s all said and done no charges are filed by the abused and the abuse continues.

I used to watch COPS and sometimes it would be crazy when the cops get to the scene and try to handcuff the suspect the victim would try fight the cops for “man handling” their abuser. Just craziness.

Mom2two

October 29th, 2009
1:03 pm

I watched my father 6′4″ 240lbs beat the crap out of my mother 5′2″ 140lbs and partially disabled when I was growing up. He beat me and my sister as well. I tried to give him the opportunity to atone once I moved out and came back to visit and he said I deserved everything I ever got. I had to take my sister out of the house when she was still in high school since she called the cops after a beating and he got arrested. Vengeance would have been his had I not taken her. The charges were dropped since they couldn’t find my sister to testify. My mother died and I haven’t spoken to my father in over 10 years. He wonders why. Effing Idiot.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
1:07 pm

Mom2Two your story is the reason i finally made that move. it’s one thing for me to endure as a wife (my stupid choice), but keeping kids in a situation that could one day escalate to violence against them …. just couldn’t take that chance. not with their lives. i think it’s great that you reached back and pulled your sister out!

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
1:07 pm

When u cool headed,u tend to be more rational in ur ways than if u let anger and emotions overtake u.

Melo very very true…. the emotions get the best of you and you tend to just react quickly rather than think it over…

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
1:12 pm

Dream my marido is laying over there on the couch with his head buried in a pillow and every time I say something to him he mumbles back at me without lifting up his for me understand what he is saying.

I just told him I was reading online where a woman was being abused and her father AND brother were both aware of what was going on. And the couple was not even married. He lifted up his to clearly say if that “lady” had been his sister or daughter her abuser….I’ll rephrase what he said. Your abuser would have had to answer to him in so many words.

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
1:25 pm

And the couple was not even married.

Don’t know what this has to do with anything….

My dad, my brother, and my uncles are not men of talking.. They are very brutal men when it comes to their neices and daughters….

They all were ready to do some bodily harm to my guy and I was not letting that happen. It was my fault… I pleaded with them to let me handle it..and they did.

Do you honestly think they sat there and just nodded their head.. No Raqi they were upset, but I knew when they went to him, they were not going to talk and I did not want them to harm him.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
1:25 pm

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY RAQI :lol:

Kym

October 29th, 2009
1:27 pm

Afternoon All,

Not sure if you are all on topic. But I will make this quick. Wisey you are right we should discuss this..Hiding in the sand or taking the its not me its them route..bad form.
Ok One…society has changed no longer is DV about male pride or whatever else they are spouting. DV is about frustrated, angry people period. We read it, we watch it, we see it. It happens in the old, young, rich, poor, black, white, yellow, whateva. DV happens because someone who is feeling powerless at work, lashes out at the one place they have power and that is their love ones. We have all experienced frustration(my son has driven me to the point of cussing on more than a notion) but the fact that I like breathing fresh air, and going and coming as I please that I control my emotions. Some folks don’t care. Because they feel crappy about their job, station in life, bad traffic, or flat out angry at what they feel is the crap-o-la hand life has dealt them and they lose it on the ones they love.

Now off topic but not really..@For Real.. You want to tell me why your two Clayton Co cousins are over at the middle school showing their tails over a love note from Facebook? <<<<<This is part of the reason why little Johnnie can't read.
It is increasing more and more as the economy becomes worse and worse(recession maybe over on Wall Street, but is beans and soup bones in middle america).

I am not making excuses for anyone..but I like what For Real stated that stats can be fixed.

Mo (aka Moeisha, today is my friday)

October 29th, 2009
1:28 pm

“When u cool headed,u tend to be more rational in ur ways than if u let anger and emotions overtake u”…..Melo I have to ^5 you on that one. Too bad more people dont take heed to that.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
1:29 pm

Dream_n to your point, two of my brothers were cops and one has done time for murder. i DARED not tell ANYONE in my family what was going on because i feared for my husband’s safety. twisted, but the sad, sad truth of my mental and emotional state (and warped sense of commitment) at the time.

Kym

October 29th, 2009
1:30 pm

Wisey why did my post get eaten in the blog clog?

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
1:34 pm

@czB ~ you’re absolutely right. Threats and insults are totally different. I wasn’t threatened but I stayed on high alert for a very, very long time. I’m still leery when walking into his apartment.

“… they were not going to talk and I did not want them to harm him.” Yet, it was ok with you for him to harm you. Sometimes, a man needs to get knocked the phuck out by another man!!!

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
1:35 pm

Thank you czBrat.

Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue

October 29th, 2009
1:36 pm

Afternoon folks!

Before I get into this discussion I’ll echo czBrat to say:

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY RAQI! Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. You would not believe how many times I think back to some of your words when dealing with my fiance’

On-topic: I’ve never been in an abusive relationship. My mother’s common-law husband (I guess he was my step-daddy) used to beat her. Let me rephrase – they used to fight. I can’t remember if I shared this on here, but I remember one time he was going off on my sister and I about treating his son wrong. It was the middle of the night and my mother woke up and heard him, she grabbed a butcher knife and came at him. My sister jumped out of the bed to help my mother – I backed myself in the corner to stay out of the fray. There were many other times they would get in fights and I would get out the way. I was having no part of it.

In my youth – I fought. A LOT. I got into fights in school every year up to the 8th grade. Got suspended for fighting twice. My last fight was my freshman year in college. One fight was with a guy…well, it wasn’t a fight per se’ – we got into in class, I pushed him and he punched me in my mouth. That was the last time I put my hands on a guy.

I know I have a temper, but I know how to channel those emotions elsewhere. I’m like SCool in that I watch my words too. Sometimes going the extra mile to avoid tearing down someone. But there’s always that button that can get pushed where the words will come. It’s usually a situation where I’m provoked. But because I know that my words can cut deep, I try to avoid that as much as possible. I’ll walk away first.

And I have a punching bag in my workout room that is a great stress reliever.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
1:37 pm

@Melo, your coolness comes across in person. You’re a very calculating individual, and I mean that in a respectable way.

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
1:39 pm

Dream, that statement just means that it could make things more difficult for you in a divorce hearing if your brother or father beat the crap out of your husband.

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
1:39 pm

Leggs..

Heck no it wasn’t right… but it was twisted (good word cbratz) in a way that I didn’t want them to hurt him…

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
1:42 pm

Thank you Tazzee.

But uh, about this right here :arrow: In my youth – I fought. A LOT …reading you now, we ever would have thunk it. LOL

Deeva4Life

October 29th, 2009
1:43 pm

Me and my ex-husband had a few physical encounters, but at the time I refused to call it an “abusive relationship” simply because I fought back. Back then, I considered an abusive relationship to be one where the person was getting the crap beat out of them and was unable to fight back. It wasn’t until later I realized and acknowledged that anytime a man (woman) puts their hands on you in a harmful way, and you didn’t touch them first, it’s abuse. I’d never stand for such foolishness today…you put your hands on me, you’ve got a problem on your hands…cause I’m hitting back and if you’re to big to fight then you better sleep with one eye open. Oh, and whatever it was we “had” it’s definitely OVER!!!

Kym

October 29th, 2009
1:44 pm

Okay I am going to try this again. sigh

Good Afternoon All,

One…DV is a problem for all races and sexes. It is not about male pride but control. The person who is the abuser is feeling powerless because of many factors, be it work, school, home..whateva. Life gave them lemons and they are sucking those lemons dry and bitter all the way. So they take out all that frustration and bitterness on their love ones. Sad but true. I am not making excuses..I am stating facts, and yes they need help. The sad part is that as our economy goes down..(the recession maybe over on Wall Street but not on Main Street) more and more DV cases are growing because people are increasingly frustrated and depression rises. Women are just as gulity of DV as men. Abuse is not just physical but mental and we as women can dish out the mental in spades. I agree Wisey this forum is the perfect place to discuss this issue. Not because we want to hear someone’s life story or truimph over the odds but because the less we talk about it, the more we live in denial of it.

Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue

October 29th, 2009
1:44 pm

On the other hand, my baby sister messed around and got herself in an abusive relationship. I saw the signs from the get. He was very controlling and I warned her, but she was determined to be with this dude. Her blind love for this dude is what got her put out my house (resulting in me caring for my nephew). She moved in with this dude and stopped going to her classes. Her classmate called and I ended up having to call the police so they could go check on her.

When the police arrived, she had a black eye but told the police everything was fine. The police officer called me and told me there was nothing he could do. She then called me and told me she was fine. I could tell dude was there so on my end of the phone I told her I was done – I gave her a way out and she didn’t take it, so she was on her own.

Apparently the officer was concerned so he called his supervisor to get approval to take dude eventhough she wouldn’t press charges. After that happened, she called me asking if she could come back home and I told her no. I did not trust that, after that guy got out, she wouldn’t have him in my house. I refused to compromise the safety of my nephew or me. So she had to go to a shelter.

That was one of the most painful things I’ve had to do in my life because I had been my baby sister’s protector all her life.

I’ve never witnessed my older sister be abused, but I’ve heard from some of her friends that she had been by past boyfriends. She endures plenty of verbal abuse from her current husband. I truly believe that this is a direct result of the abuse we witnessed while growing up.

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
1:47 pm

Sometimes going the extra mile to avoid tearing down someone

You know that statement there is a big problem that so many of us have when it comes to conflict in relationships. We resort to tearing down the individual and getting away from the matter at hand.

We have to really be care there and refrain from attacking the offender when the offense needs to be dealt with. And there are time when there can be no real offense that has taken place.

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
1:48 pm

Kym

That post is so true…

Kym

October 29th, 2009
1:49 pm

@Tazzee I know what you did with baby sis had to hurt..been there..done that..got a sweatshirt and jeans. But in the end and at somepoint further up the road..she is going to look at that moment as the tipping point. Sometimes tough love is the best love.

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
1:51 pm

Tazzee

I couldn’t imagine being that tough on my baby sister (if I had one), but given the circumstances and all variables it was the best solution…

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
1:51 pm

Happy Anniversary, Raqi. Enjoy cuz you two are definitely doing things right!

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
1:53 pm

I truly believe that this is a direct result of the abuse we witnessed while growing up.

That too is present sad situations. There are so many people that inflict and/or endure abuse because it’s what they saw growing up. You live in an environment so long you begin to think it’s what’s normal. Or right.

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
1:54 pm

Thank you Leggs.

Melo

October 29th, 2009
1:54 pm

She endures plenty of verbal abuse from her current husband. I truly believe that this is a direct result of the abuse we witnessed while growing up</strong?

Thats a shame Tazzee…

Leggs,thanx

i hate it that i have to go to this meeting……

will miss uall.. :lol:

Deeva4Life

October 29th, 2009
1:54 pm

But there’s always that button that can get pushed where the words will come. It’s usually a situation where I’m provoked. But because I know that my words can cut deep, I try to avoid that as much as possible.

Same here!!

Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue

October 29th, 2009
1:56 pm

Kym – your post was right on point.

Raqi – are you making fun? It goes both ways, I meet some folks that say they can see it in me. Others say they would never believe it.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
1:59 pm

@Dream_n, twisted is a good word!

@Tazee,….you did the right thing even if it hurts. First and foremost, you’re protecting your nephew.

My sister is now living in a shelter and I can’t even invite her to come to Georgia and stay with me because I already know how it will end. Some writings on the wall you just can’t ignore. Every once in a while I say the move will do her good, but in the end, I know it would do me badly!

Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue

October 29th, 2009
2:04 pm

Kym – Kicking her out and then not letting her back made her grow up. It also helped to realize that there’s only so much you can do to help grown folks. There were many other things that led up to that incident that practically drove me crazy.

John Q. Public

October 29th, 2009
2:05 pm

agreed. Domestic Violence is unacceptable AND filing bogus charges to “set up the board” for a divorce is even worse. the attorneys and organizations that use false charges to further their legal ($$$) and political ($$$) agendas are no better than any criminal who assaults another person (regardless of the gender configuration). “hitting” another person with false legal charges is just as repugnant as hitting another person with one’s fist. and sadly enough, every minute of court time spent litigation bogus charges is court time that could be used bringing real criminals to justice. anyone who has been to Family Court knows this expensive and sad lesson in our wonderful judicial system.

Kym

October 29th, 2009
2:11 pm

@Tazzee I understand I love my folks,but those jokers can’t live with me. In my housing search now, I am looking for homes that are close but not to close. Otherwise they will want to pop up. Its kind of like that kid’s book my son liked “If you give a mouse a cookie… If you let some jokers visit you then they want to eat..then they want to stay..then they want to invite other folks. Nawww its safer for all parties involved if they just stay away.

Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue

October 29th, 2009
2:13 pm

Leggs – That’s how my sister came to live with me. I should have known better when she declined my first offer to come live with me because she didn’t want to live by my rules.

Yeah, that experience had me making use of EAP at work. The psychologist told me nothing was wrong with me, but I just knew I was crazy because I wanted to choke my sister in her sleep sometimes.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
2:18 pm

VERY well said, JQP

Tazzee i ditto those who’ve said you’ve done a difficult and courageous thing. i pray all turns out well for you and yours.

Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue

October 29th, 2009
2:19 pm

When I was younger, I used to only date guys that were close to my size because I wanted to make sure I could take him if he put his hands on me. I guess that’s one of my scars from what I witnessed growing up.

Looking at my fiance’ you can tell I’m over that :lol:

Kym

October 29th, 2009
2:19 pm

Shout out to Cameron and Associates!!!
Tazzee.. EAP is a wonderful thing. Used it early this year for family therapy because I truly believed I was going to hurt the boy. Puberty..me and him yeah next stop was Grady for him and a trip to Rice Street for me. I recommend family therapy highly.

Michelle

October 29th, 2009
2:20 pm

How to prevent DV or stop it?! First, people have to acknowledge that it’s real and not just something people make up for attention or to get sympathy!

We need to educate our children as to what abuse is! We live in such a society that you can say and/or do MANY things to one another because you are their parent, spouse, friend, etc. “It’s all in the name of love.” What a bunch of crap!

NO ONE deserves to be treated like a door mat, and that includes how they are spoken to. Unfortunately, when you are raised around an abusive environment, that’s what you learn. It’s a cycle that has to be broken!

As far as arguing in front of your kids…why not? This is an excellent way to teach your children “how” to have an arguement that does NOT include name calling, threats, and violence. You can have arguements that are constructive. No, it’s not easy. Someone has to be willing to say, “hey, it’s not ok for you to talk to me like this.”

Please don’t wash your hands of those who leave and go back. The next time could be the last and if you aren’t there as a support, they may not leave at all!

Something VERY important to keep in mind. When the abused person finally takes the step to leave for good…this is when they are in the MOST danger!! The abuser realizes they now have nothing left to lose. At this point, in their own desperation, they may do something (i.e. kill, maime, etc.) that inconceivable to others. AT LEAST 75% of all DV homicide occurs while the victim is attempting to separate.

For those in an abusive relationship, ALWAYS have an escape plan. Talk it over with your family and friends. Have a code word or something that alerts them that you are leaving or something is wrong. Make sure they all know what you would do, where you would go, etc. Then, if you have to leave on the fly, they can help you. Make sure to keep copies of your important documents and give them to someone you can trust. Keep a duffle bag, of supplies and extra money with someone you trust just in case you have to leave with the clothes on your back!!

Another thing we have to do is fix the system! Sometimes it takes SO long for the legal system to work that it fails those who need it most. Instead of protecting the innocent people (like the kids) they are drug through DFACS, questionings, and all the crap. Remember that abuse does not just happen to one person in a home!

There are MANY resources out there to get help. Sometimes, they are hard to find though.

1-800-33HAVEN (800-334-2836) This is a Georgia resource to help you find the closest certified DV shelter.

Contact the Georgia Coalition Against Domestic Violence
gcadv.org
gacoalition@gcadv.org
404-209-2080

Or DFACS to help find shelter and programs
gadfcs.org/familyviolence

Georgia Legal Services
glsp.org

Atlanta Legal Aid
law.emory.edu/pi/alas

Tapestri Refugee and Immigrant Coalition
tapestri.org

DV is still taboo for so many people. It needs to be something that is no longer tolerated under ANY circumstances.

OK, I’ll get off of my soapbox now.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
2:21 pm

Taz – Dude is a mini-mountain. All broad shouldered and extra tall and stuff. You look like a midget next to him. It is so cute!

Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue

October 29th, 2009
2:21 pm

czBrat – thanks. It has turned out well – that was 5 years ago. Some of the blog oldheads remember because when I first came on the scene here I was taking care of my nephew. Since that incident, my sister has really gotten her stuff together. I probably don’t tell her enough but I’m proud of her.

Matta fact, I’m finna tell her again now.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
2:23 pm

“I used to only date guys that were close to my size because I wanted to make sure I could take him”

That’s the funniest thing said today because there’s nothing funny about this topic!

I remember when I went into marriage counseling by myself that the counselor had me make a list of the things I expected from a man. The item listed first was “I expect my man to NEVER hit me,” and I know that was a direct result of the things I witnessed growing up!

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
2:24 pm

Going to get a fudge sickle…brb!

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
2:24 pm

When I was younger, I used to only date guys that were close to my size because I wanted to make sure I could take him if he put his hands on me. I guess that’s one of my scars from what I witnessed growing up.

Looking at my fiance’ you can tell I’m over that

Tazzee i am LMAO that you would say those exact words!!!! my ex was not a big guy, and after my experience with him i would just SMH @ my sisters who loved to date the bodybuilder types. all i could think was ‘he!!, i was lucky to get out of this in one piece. i’m certainly not getting involved with a big, strong dude.” now what? i’m with a hercules who is as gentle as a teddy bear! :lol:

Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue

October 29th, 2009
2:32 pm

SCool – I knew you would say something. You should see us when I don’t have on heels. Oh wait, you did because I had to put on those bowling shoes. I love feeling petite next to my mini-mountain ;-)

Leggs and czBrat – I’m so serious!!! :lol: It’s kind of sad, but I grew up in a fighting environment. My sisters and I fought all the time and I thought that was how you handled conflict with people you love. So I figured that would happen in a marriage.

Michelle – that was some good information you provided. Just the other day my fiance’ and I were having a disagreement and when his son got back in the car I wanted to squash it. But he kept on and I’m glad we did now that I look back at it. His ex-wife was abusive and his kids witnessed that growing up. I’m glad his son was able to see us settle our disagreement calmly.

In the know

October 29th, 2009
2:33 pm

I work for a local police department AND was involved in a marriage that was every type of abuse possible. Once I started working here I realized that hey this is wrong and I deserve better and I AM worth something. I always said the physical abuse was easier to handle because bruises heal but the verbal and emotional abuse scars your mind and soul. The verbal stuff plays like a loop in your head and convinces you that what they said about you is right and you are all those names because if you werent they wouldnt say them.
My ex was abusive just because. He had a bad day, or it rained and he wanted to mow the grass, the car made a funny noise…all my fault so I got to pay for it. Walking on eggshells at all times is horrible. Jealous, possessive, I had to keep reciepts to account for my time and I had better answer the phone on the first ring and there was no having any friends.
I also know that I see just as many women get arrested for DV as men…sometimes they both go to jail. They do this in front of their children which just teaches the kids thats how you handle thing…its a cycle.
I also see the same people (always women) then show up hours later begging us to let the man that just beat them in front of and sometimes along with the kids out of jail. Sometimes once the officer gets there and stops the beating and starts to handcuff the man, the women have actually attacked the officer to keep them FROM arresting him. Blood all over their faces and all. Fortunately in cases of DV, they arent the one pressing the charges. The State of Georgia is. The reason the State presses the charges is because of women dropping charges and taking them back and then ending up dead..which granted still happens sometimes even if the charges arent dropped.
Women come up here so often to try to drop charges looking all beat down that I no longer feel sorry for them and think well when you get him out dont call the police when he whips you again….this having been in their predicament. I think well, we have helped you get away from him….took State Warrants and got a no-contact bond to keep him away…gave you the DV pamphlets telling how and where to get help, monetarily and mentally but you are here with your black eye and busted lip begging us to let him out because you “love him”.
I’m not an officer and instances like this are frustrating for me as a civilian so I can only imagine how frustrating it is for the officers involved.
Women do make the DV stuff up thats true but thats why in order to be arrested there has to be some marks or independant witnesses saying that this happened.

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
2:36 pm

When I was growing up it was also said that you should be grateful and not complain about the one that is putting a roof over your head. That’s all good and dandy, but these doggone roofers are keeping up a major racket up there.

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
2:37 pm

And yep, pun intended. Yeah I know, that was corny.

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
2:38 pm

And I think that’s the best thing about women that endure the verbal/physical/mental abuse.

They learn, they grow and they realize that it’s not okay for you to talk down to me or put your hands on me. It was an obstacle that they had to go through and by the grace of GOD they were able to get out of the situaton alive.

I thank god for my story, I thank him for the things hat I’ve gone through… I thought there were times when I was going to loose my mind, Felt trapped and although I knew I had support, I felt alone… I am finally at complete peace with this situation.

And I am so proud of the many women that finally wised up and got themselves out of the mess that they were in. It’s a true testament to the grace and mercy that god has for us…..

Now I’ll know the signs and I’ll politely let myself out….

Kym

October 29th, 2009
2:40 pm

@In the know.. yeah in Criminal Law my prof talked about how women would literally follow the police to the station to get Ray-Ray off the hook for the beat down. or Women who were arrested along with the man calling mama and gmama to get both of them out cause they were fighting like wild animals.

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
2:41 pm

They learn, they grow and they realize that it’s not okay for you to talk down to me or put your hands on me.

Unfortunately not all do. Some just go from one abusive relationship to another. And another.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
2:42 pm

Raqi i recall trying to talk to my mother-in-law about hubby’s behavior. her advice to me was “how do you think Joe and i have been married so long? you have to learn to look the other way and deal with it.” i was FLOORED!

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
2:44 pm

you have to learn to look the other way and deal with it

czBrat SAY WHAT?!?!?! GTFOH!!!!!!

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
2:47 pm

And you know what czBrat? What she said right there was clearly the reason her son was an abuser.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
2:47 pm

Taz – MND and I were talking about you guys last night and how we’re looking forward to seeing you guys on Saturday.

He was like, “Yeah, it’s always nice to date other couples that you actually like.”

~lmao~

For Real

October 29th, 2009
2:51 pm

Corrolla: Oh what about him Tazzee?

Tazzee: Ummm naw Corrolla he look like he can take a punch.

Corrolla: huh? Oh what about that one over there?

Tazzee: Gurl naw! He got to be at least 6′4″. I could never get around his jab.

Corrolla: Huh? What the Hell….

Tazzee: Awwwww yeah there he is… look at my new booo… Oh and he lil like Tupac.. I could fugg him up easy! I think I’m in love Corrolla!!!

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
2:52 pm

ForReal – Dead at Corolla. Dead again at “lil like Tupac.”

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
2:53 pm

i’m gonna have to disagree with Leggs. the funniest thing(s) on the blog today has been For Real and his dang skits!!!

Ms. Main....popping in for a second

October 29th, 2009
2:54 pm

I can only say wow to some of the stories….I’m sooo glad I’m a hot head (sometimes). It may seem like an ignorant statement given the circumstances and stories told but I have NEVER been one for taking crap…especially from men. I was raised to believe I’m just as good as any person and better than to taking crap or suffer abuse in any form. Not to mention my brothers couldn’t stand any dude cut from the abusive cloth…even to the slightest. They ALWAYS had me and my sisters back. I’m not knocking anyone’s current or past situations, it’s just sad to read, knowing there are sooo many tragedies and tragic relationships where abuse remains unspoken.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
2:55 pm

@IntheKnow ~ an acquaintenance of mine was raped by her boyfriend and beat up. She called police and had him arrested only to drop the charges 2 days later cuz he was facing 15+ years in jail. Her entire family rallied behind her and supported her. Now, they’re not speaking to her because she dropped charges, got him out of jail and are now on a cruise together. (The cruise was paid for before the assault). I just hope he doesn’t throw her overboard!!!! I would have to lose my money because no way would I be going on a cruise with him.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
2:55 pm

SexyCool i tried to ignore the first one but now he’s got me cryin!

Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue

October 29th, 2009
2:58 pm

For Real – I say this at least once a week, but you are a certified nutcase!! :lol: :lol:

SCool – You and YND will have to endure a little beef going on. BFF’s dude is a huge Saints fan. We’ve been fighting on FB so it will be interesting.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
3:00 pm

Not to mention my brothers couldn’t stand any dude cut from the abusive cloth

Ms. Main i remember just once early in the marriage the hubbs and i had a simple argument (not abuse at that point). when i cried about it to my brothers one said “i carry a weapon. i know how to manipulate a crime scene. give me 12 hours notice and i’ll take care of it”. the other said “i’ve already done time for one murder, i’ll gladly go back for this one.” after that i NEVER spoke of my DV problems again. not until the marriage was over. it’s not that they didn’t have my back but that is NOT a situation i wanted to put ANYONE in (hubbs or brothers).

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
3:01 pm

Taz – Just had a co-worker in my office talkin’ about them Aints.

And I do believe MND is heavy on them too. He keeps chanting “Who dat? Who dat? Who dat trying to mess with them Saints?” (eye rolling)

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
3:05 pm

czBrat

I have to co-sign on that 3:00… some men in my family are not wrapped too tight. I wasn’t at the point where I was ready to leave, so for them beating the living dlights out of this man and then the possibilit of them going to jail, then for me to be back with him was a recipe for disaster.

Ms. Main....popping in for a second

October 29th, 2009
3:06 pm

CZBrat – after that i NEVER spoke of my DV problems again. not until the marriage was over. it’s not that they didn’t have my back but that is NOT a situation i wanted to put ANYONE in (hubbs or brothers).

Oh, believe me I agree with your take because them knowing and wanting to jump in on your behalf only createa a worse situation. They had our backs but honestly….neither of us (the girls) didn’t really have situations we couldn’t handle. But they weren’t ever shy in making it known if we needed them they’d be there.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
3:06 pm

Oh, almost forgot – from DasK:

“I know you are not planning to, but DO NOT miss THIS IS IT. I went last night, not because I HAD to be on the first night, but because when I saw the only preview I have seen for it, about a month ago,
it said it was going to be out ONE DAY only, and I have had my ticket for three weeks. However, seems it will be out for two weeks. and while I expected it to be SOLD_OUT, there were probably 50 people in the cinema.

Last night saw one of the finest things I have ever seen on the big screen, Michael Jackson’s THIS IS IT. shows so much of what goes into that kind of show “This is why we rehearse”(MJ).

from picking about 12 dancers from a field of 300-400, him trying to get the dancers in groove with him, what he wants from them, to what he wants from individual instrument players(sound-wise), to all the special affects for that kind of GrandShow, and a great/hot/female guitarist. An absolutely Fantastic experience.”

For Real

October 29th, 2009
3:07 pm

Ms. Main: “They ALWAYS had me and my sisters back” – Is your last name Jenkins (pronounced Jankins as in “there goes dem Jankins Boys”)

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
3:07 pm

BTW~~~ Hi Ms. Main.. you and Proffesor have been M.I.A today… I need my daily outburst!!!!

Ms. Main....popping in for a second

October 29th, 2009
3:09 pm

CZBrat – I’m a hot head but I’m not the worst one of us. That’s one thing I can say too….my dad and mom didn’t always agree but he was NEVER abusive. He’d leave sometimes to cool off but that was the extent of it. Saw groves of chicks my brothers dated and never say anyting there. Game playing and jedi mind tricks yeah but never phyical or verbal abuse.

Ms. Main....popping in for a second

October 29th, 2009
3:11 pm

For Real – naw last name not Jenkins, pronounced Jankins….lol

Dream_n…nose to the grind girlie…about to hop on my spreadsheet now
heck I need a laugh myself today…:(

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
3:14 pm

SexyCool

Do you have another one of those jokes you can lighten the mood with….

but make sure I can understand it first lol

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
3:17 pm

For Dream’n:

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly “Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t.”

“The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

“I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,” replied the greeter. “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice.”

“Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

Wise Diva

October 29th, 2009
3:18 pm

I truly appreciate everyone who took the time to comment on the topic. You guys don’t know how many people read the blog and learn so much from your experiences. I am sure today has been helpful to someone! I will probably get an email about it!

DeMarcus, you have no proof of that, I categorically deny all chocking allegations!

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
3:18 pm

Dream_n and Leggs i think the one thing we all know we had was that support system. ultimately, that’s what reminds you of your true worth and gives you the strength to do what’s right for YOU.

Kym

October 29th, 2009
3:19 pm

Has anyone seen Cee? I wanted to tell her about our experience at the State Fair.

Wise Diva

October 29th, 2009
3:21 pm

and Domestic Violence is not supposed to make us comfortable, EVER. So if anyone missed the light-hearted tone of the blog that we usually have, it’s worth it to address something important. Hope that you agree! Since tomorrow is Friday, we can make it fun again :)

Mo (aka Moeisha, today is my friday)

October 29th, 2009
3:22 pm

For Real – you are a fool!! LMAO!! I can barely get this work done for laughing at you

For Real

October 29th, 2009
3:22 pm

Dude: Hey dare sexy mamma.

Wise: Hey yo-self..

Dude: Whatch yo name is.

Wise: Wise! But my friend call me “Quik”!

Dude: Quik?

Wise: Yeah cause I’m Quik to choke a figure

Dude: Umm yeah, I gotta pee!!

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

October 29th, 2009
3:22 pm

I can only say wow to some of the stories….I’m sooo glad I’m a hot head (sometimes). It may seem like an ignorant statement given the circumstances and stories told but I have NEVER been one for taking crap…especially from men.

It doesn’t seem ignorant Ms.Main b/c I’m like that too, and and actually made me ponder something else I heard growing up and even now as an adult….it’s the old addage that “A man will only do what you let him do to you” and “A man will try a woman who he thinks will let him get away with it”. I get asked often why I look so serious and I know that comes across with people. After that one incident in 1995 I have yet to even be slightly approached the wrong way by a man with regards to violence…..it’s that kickassedness behavior/demeanor I reckon.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
3:23 pm

Kym – I knew there was something I wanted to talk about today….

The FaceBook Fight at the school – whatdahell?

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
3:25 pm

SexyCool…lol.. thank you I needed that…. :)

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
3:26 pm

SMDH @ the FB fight. that was just ridiculous.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
3:26 pm

From a NY Times article on the Barack’s marriage; “Before Michelle, Barack had brought only one woman to Hawaii to meet his family, according to his younger half-sister, Maya Soetoro.”

I bet that chick somewhere and her friends are like, “Btch, you know you f* up, right?” Shout out to Special K from the Rickey Smiley Show on that one. LMAO!

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
3:30 pm

Sassy

A man will only do what you let him do to you”

Very true in relation to this topic…

Beautiful

October 29th, 2009
3:30 pm

happy anniversary RAQI! and many many more.

i’m scared of a man who has been violent in his past relationships. i would be nervous to disagree with him or pick a fight. nope, can’t do it.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
3:30 pm

@Wise ~ I commend you for having this subject as our blog topic. Yes it’s a heavy topic but life is heavy. Can’t alway be smiling (although I do try). There are a lot of walking wounded amongst us.

No matter what happens I hope every man, woman, boy and girl realizes their “self worth” and not rely on some man or woman (other than family) to define it for them! Those of you hurting out there, stand strong. If you need to get out but are afraid and just can’t get out at the moment just know when the time is right for you YOU WILL KNOW IT and nothing will stop you!

Passing the mike….

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
3:30 pm

Off Topic:

Is anyone dressing up at work tomorrow???

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
3:32 pm

“…or pick a fight” That a major problem right there. Women need to stop picking fights!!!!

Beautiful

October 29th, 2009
3:32 pm

did y’all watch Kandi last night on the Mo Show? it was really good.

*singin’* i fly above all da haters . . .

Beautiful

October 29th, 2009
3:34 pm

@Leggs
why you gotta nut all the time? smh.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
3:35 pm

I was going as a black Marie Antionette, but my wallet had other plans. So, now I’m going as Dianna Ross. Just have to buy some fake eyelashes (which I hate and don’t even know how to apply).

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
3:36 pm

Because your nutty arse says stupid shyt. That’s why! Anything else you want to know????

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
3:37 pm

Stepping to the mike.

If you could see how deeply your jabs pierce my soul,
Would you think twice?
Or is your heart that cold?

If I could magnify with sound the pain in my heart,
Would take responsibility
for what you did from the start?

You trampled upon me verbally and physically.
You made me your punching bag.
Is this what you think I was created to be?

You forget that I am fearfully and wonderfully made,
But you dismissed the wonderful
and on the fear you’d trade.

I mistook your anger for passion and it made weak,
But I’m stronger now
And it’s justice I seek.

You didn’t kill me. You made me strong.
But still I will carry the scars
My entire life long.

I will hurt no more. No more tears, no more lies.
And like Maya says,
Still I rise.

dropping the mike…..:)

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

October 29th, 2009
3:37 pm

Dream I believe that,too. I know my temper can be an issue so I try to pick my battles but my “Inner Ike” is always on stand-by.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
3:39 pm

And we all need to “nut up” when it comes to this topic instead of playing dead and acting ignorant!

Beautiful

October 29th, 2009
3:39 pm

@Leggs
i say stupid shiit. really? ok. i gotchu you. you betta be glad i dont have time to blast yo azz on here.

ttyl

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
3:41 pm

BRAVO, BRAVO, BRAVO!!!

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
3:41 pm

Would it technically be called Domestic Violence/Assault/Aggravation if a person is aggressively teasing someone to the point of being tackled in their dream? I don’t know what I am doing to him put he has a said “Stop it ‘raqi’ “ and “alright, keep playing” with a smile on his face.

I think he shouldn’t take Nyquil anymore. LOL

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
3:43 pm

Women need to stop picking fights!!!!

Leggs I live by those famous words, “Don’t start what you can’t finish”.

Mo (aka Moeisha, today is my friday)

October 29th, 2009
3:44 pm

SCool – I saw that article about the FB fight! WTH?!?!? Crazy!!

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
3:44 pm

Luvs it SexyCool!!

Leggs: I like that Diana Ross idea!
Definately have fun with it…

Inner Ike.. lmao Sassy

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
3:44 pm

Leggs if you don’t know how to properly apply the lashes, your finished look should be quite accurate. have fun!

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
3:45 pm

That’s very good SexyCool.

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
3:46 pm

Even when picking fights…. it’s never okay for a man to hit a woman.

but I do agree if we would consider the words coming out of our mouth, the world would be a better place

Kym

October 29th, 2009
3:46 pm

@Sexy..Those are your cousins over there in Clayton Co fighing in front of the children and love letter on Facebook? Foolishness!!!!

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
3:48 pm

LMBO at Leggs.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
3:49 pm

I told ManMan not to be messin’ with them chicks. They is both crazy.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
3:52 pm

That is funny, czB. I got your drift!

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
3:54 pm

IntheKnow, do you feel like coming back to the mike….

Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue

October 29th, 2009
3:54 pm

Leggs – you must send me a picture of you as Diana Ross. I heart her!!!

czBrat – umm, is your 3:44 a jab and Mizz Ross, the Boss? Betnot nobody talk bad about Mizz Ross up in here!!!!

SCool – as always, you put it down.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
3:55 pm

In seriousness, I hate to see what played out in Clayton County. It reinforces so many negative stereotypes about black men, black women, black love and the fact that it happened in front of impressionable kids was truly the worst of it all.

I wish one of them had chosen to be the bigger person, but reminds me of something I’ve heard said often, “You can’t be big and small at the same time.”

Shameful.

Kym

October 29th, 2009
3:55 pm

Well they both about to be jobless. See this is part of the reason little Johnnie can’t read. Teachers at the school fighting over some dude instead of educating the youth. Kids see foolishness all around them and respond with more foolishness. Who in the sam hill writes a love letter on Facebook?

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
3:56 pm

Flash Forward, Grey’s and Private Practice!

Mo (aka Moeisha, today is my friday)

October 29th, 2009
3:58 pm

Have a good weekend all, hit ya’ll on Monday

Kym

October 29th, 2009
3:59 pm

Speaking of the youth. I have opened “the son” a savings account. All payments into the account are based on academic performance. Since he is can’t seem to read what the teachers want him to read..its boring. (Damn Aries personality) No cash for you until grades come back up to pre-8th grade levels.

In the know

October 29th, 2009
4:03 pm

@Leggs-I have seen that happen as well. One was a rape of a 17yro by a stranger and she wanted to press charges. We find him and the DNA matches but then she decides she doesnt want to prosecute anymore because the boyfriend is giving her a hard time for the rape. Even after we tell her we found there were others. Her family was outraged and didnt want anything to do with her either. She had lots of support that should have over-rode the moron boyfriend but she wouldnt listen…if they will cross the line the first time-on anything-they will do it again. The first time is the hardest and it gets easier everytime after that.

But as far as “A man only doing to you what you allow them to” in most instances is true BUT there are those crazy jokers out there that when you try to bail they take on the stalker role and if I cant have you no one can and try to kill you. So thats why its important to really learn to read people and their mannerisms before you give them a shot…one date can a stalker make!

Raqi....Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
4:04 pm

Leggs I kinda lost my love for Grey’s, but I am surely waiting to see Private Practice tonight.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
4:06 pm

c’mon Tazzee talented fo sho but the look was wack! or am i just lacking in appreciation for that era?????

Ms. Main....popping in for a second

October 29th, 2009
4:08 pm

Sassy – I know for some folks it may come off a bit insensitive but I so believe in a man will only do what you allow. It’s a cliche but every bit of true.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
4:08 pm

SexyCool you’re right, but since they hadn’t named names or posted pics i was holding out hope that it wouldn’t be a ‘black thang’. :(

i'm swiss

October 29th, 2009
4:10 pm

“It reinforces so many negative stereotypes about black men, black women, black love”

SexyC — See, I’ve been waiting for a topic change to talk about that story…

Look at it this way, you could be my cousins. When it comes to crazy, we take it to a whole ‘nother level. I submit: grown woman astronaut in adult diapers, not to mention any episode of the Jerry Springer Show. See… not so bad by comparison, is it? :lol:

THE INFAMOUS DK

October 29th, 2009
4:11 pm

Aww ya’ll know ya’ll gone be watching the Atlanta Wh0res/wives Finale

Raqi....Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
4:11 pm

In the know, my sister defended a 17 yr old young man whose girlfriend teased him over and over again to the point of, I’ll say, him having sex with her. He was tried and convicted for sexual assault. My sister tried her best to get the young man acquitted but it didn’t happen. The boy was not violent at all toward the girl or anyone else but he found himself in a terrible situation dealing with her silliness.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
4:14 pm

Yeah. I’m going to say it was Keisha and Raynicqua down there acting like idiots over RayRay and will be the first to apologize if there I was wrong.

Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue

October 29th, 2009
4:15 pm

Raqi – I just read about Mase talking in his sleep LMBO! He wants some Raqi lovin’

czBrat – back then her look was HAWT!!! That weave made it through that rain in Central Park, I just KNEW that was her real hair :lol: Man! I wanted to BE Diana Ross. Got a karaoke CD of her songs and I will do a concert if someone would listen :lol:

I am still watching last season’s Greys on Netflix. I thought I was done at episode 22… I’m ready to move to this season. They don’t have Private Practice available so I had to get my friend to give me an update. I plan to start watching this season tomorrow night.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
4:16 pm

swizzbeats – I will agree that idiotic behaviour is not owned by any one race in particular.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
4:18 pm

I’m going to say it was Keisha and Raynicqua down there acting like idiots over RayRay

k. when was the last time you laughed so hard you made a snot bubble??? THANX SexyC! :razz:

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
4:18 pm

@Infamous, the finale was last week.

Raqi....Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
4:20 pm

EWWW Tazzee. Nah he don’t. Not with that post nasal drip. LOL I’m just kidding.

Yeah sumthin goin’ on over there. :lol:

Ms. Main....popping in for a second

October 29th, 2009
4:21 pm

I thought the finale was tonight…the meet up…with the dude and all of them on the couch

Ms. Main....popping in for a second

October 29th, 2009
4:22 pm

I hope we have a fun light topic tomorrow…nightums

Raqi....Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
4:22 pm

SexyCool, I thought hearing about the school bus driver that has been sexing the student this morning was bad, now this.

They should have kept that craziness of campus.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
4:26 pm

On the bus driver thing, as reported, she was 21 when this happened and the kid was 16 when the alleged relationship started.

At 21, I don’t think she possessed the maturity to deal with students so close to her own age and er, um….don’t y’all judge me – but some of these 15 year olds look like grown ass men running around here. I can see some of these little dudes and get apalled at my own thoughts when I realize that I can potentially be older than THEY MOMMA!!!

SMDH and LMAO at the same time.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
4:30 pm

um….don’t y’all judge me –

SexyC, how often do you find yourself saying that? hmmmmmm. i’m just sayin ….. :lol:

Raqi....Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
4:30 pm

SexyCool, get your behind the damn corner and don’t come out for the rest of the evening. :lol:

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
4:31 pm

Is that considered the finale??? I thought that was just that a “meet up” to discuss what occurred during the season, i.e., all the personality disorders!

To top all of that how about the 66 years old state attorney general caught with an 18 year old prostitute in a cemetery with viagra and sex toys on his lunch hour. Told the police officer who he was and that his wife also worked with him. Officer called wife to confirm his identity and gave him a warning. The wife went to his boss and reported his activity. My first thought is doesn’t the lil blue pill last at least 4 hours. What was he going to do with the rest of the time to ward off the effects of the pill, meet with his wife in the broom closet!?!?

i'm swiss

October 29th, 2009
4:31 pm

Having once been a 16-year-old dude, I can say with absolute certainty that the kid who got his world rocked by the 21-yr-old bus driver was not a victim. :lol:

Raqi....Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
4:32 pm

But you know seriously, SexyCool, me having 20 and 14 yr old sons myself make any man under 25 seem like a baby to me.

Melo

October 29th, 2009
4:32 pm

Uall talking about the two teachers in Crapton County and not the school board member who assaulted her live-in guy??

Interesting hypocrisy u women.
Isnt that DV??

Yeah,im back. :lol:

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
4:33 pm

Okay I need to look up all these stories…

and SexyC you are correct… my cousin is only 17 but looks evry bit of 28, 30, beard and all…..

Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue

October 29th, 2009
4:33 pm

czBrat – I am so mad at you for that snot bubble comment :lol:

When I was in college – my friends used to be bus drivers. Most weren’t 21 yet so I can definitely see how that could happen back then. Now the 21 year old female? She SHOULD know better, but I wasn’t that bright at 21 myself.

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
4:34 pm

swiss…. tsk tsk tsk

Melo

October 29th, 2009
4:35 pm

ot his world rocked by the 21-yr-old bus driver was not a victim

yeah, i agree.

In the law book,they shld jus term that as deliquency of a minor or sme like that.
I know my Dad wld have taken me to the movies for riding the teacher,if that were me,giving me a smirky smile,eve now and then as we rode into town.
I jus wish my lady teachers were black american :lol:
:lol:

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
4:36 pm

having 20 and 14 yr old sons myself make any man under 25 seem like a baby to me.

I can definately believe that statement coming from you ..lol

and by the way Happy Anniversary :)

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
4:37 pm

Silence, African – we just hadn’t gotten around to that yet.

i'm swiss

October 29th, 2009
4:37 pm

“When I was in college – my friends used to be bus drivers.”

I was a bus driver in college — drove the campus buses at UGA. Best gig I ever had, and a great way to mac on the co-eds… :evil: ;-) :lol:

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
4:39 pm

*picturing Melo & pops riding into town for a movie in Zululand*

Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue

October 29th, 2009
4:39 pm

i’m swiss – now that would be a cool job. My friends were driving the buses for the local school system. And they were the silliest folks I know so I don’t understand how they were approved to transport children.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
4:40 pm

Besides, Melo – I don’t even see a whole story on the other chick. Just the mention of her at the bottom on this story.

i'm swiss

October 29th, 2009
4:40 pm

“I jus wish my lady teachers were black american”

Not so fast, melo — the bus driver in question was one of my people. Trust me, when it comes to female teacher boning males students, I think my cousins lead the league… :lol:

Melo

October 29th, 2009
4:41 pm

hehe,swiss.

I know,all the ladies u had ur eyes on neva waited on the designated spots. :lol:

sexxual favors :lol:

Melo

October 29th, 2009
4:43 pm

I drive my kids to school in the morn and seeing hw some of these high school girls dress,i pity the male drivers.

long azz nails,high heel shoes,wigs,lip stick and brandname clothes…thats some parent paying that for a kid with no income???

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
4:44 pm

She was a stripper, not a pro!

i'm swiss

October 29th, 2009
4:46 pm

“i’m swiss – now that would be a cool job.”

Tazzee — Yep, it was. The last year or so that I drove, I had the Thursday & Friday night Russell Hall night bus route — ran from about 7pm to 12:30 or 1:00am. Sounds like a crappy shift on the surface, but in reality, it was the party wagon for all the drunk, freshmen chickidees in Brumby hall to get downtown. I used to have “karaoke night” on the bus — complete with disco ball & different musical themes. I would force the co-eds to entertain me while I drove. :lol: One particularly talented young scholar did a pole dance on the hand-rail just behind the driver’s seat (sadly with clothes on, but still nice). :lol: Ahhhhhhh… college.

Sag Pants

October 29th, 2009
4:50 pm

I’d like to date Ivana Trump. Anybody got her number?

Sag Pants

October 29th, 2009
4:54 pm

Or Jamie McCourt. I love me some cougar.

Melo

October 29th, 2009
4:56 pm

I love me some cougar

Tameek Foster-Raymond

5 kids,lots of mula and fertile

Cant beat that :lol:

Good nite!

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
4:59 pm

Sag Pants

October 29th, 2009
5:00 pm

Um, no. Vivica A. Fox, yes. Halle Berry, quadruple yes. Priscilla Barnes, quintuple yes.